A Milhouse Divided Milhouse's parents break up at a party at the Simpsons and Oscar screws up the chalkboard gag.
PlotIn the opening credits I've used the chalkboard gag from "The Homer they Fall" episode. Bart is writing on the chalkboard "I am not my twin brother Hugo."
"Hugo, I know that's you." Oscar explained. Hugo abruptly chases him out the school. Cackling madly.
Everything goes as usual but with Hugo in Bart's scenes.
At the couch cag everyone sits down and waits as an exhausted Bart comes in.
"I'd have got here sooner but Hugo nicked my skateboard!" Bart groaned as he sat down.
...
The episode starts with The Simpsons eating a TV Dinner while watching TV.
"Marge, can we get see through plates. I'm trying to watch the TV..." Homer groaned.
"No Homer!" said Marge.
Homer dropped a meatball. There was a tense stand off between the dog, the cat and Maggie over it. "Yoink!" Homer picked it up.
"Homer don't eat off the floor." said Marge annoyed.
"Mom if you wanted us to eat neatly you should have us all eat from one long bowl..."
"That's a trough and no!" said Marge. "And it's only five thirty! Why are you in your underwear?"
"Oscar pushed me in a mud puddle..." Bart replied.
"Lisa how was school my dear?" Marge asked.
"Well..." said Lisa.
Hugo blurted out gibberish and beastly sounds.
"Hugo I was asking Lisa. Wait your turn." said Marge.
Hugo jabbered quietly.
"I'm going to the kitchen for a civilised dinner. Anyone want to join me is welcome." said Marge going to the kitchen.
"Me too." Lisa went after Marge. Yeah I thought it was stupid that Lisa had a concept that school finishes at the end of the day and was transfixed by the TV. The real Lisa would still be in school mode! She even gives herself extra homework!
...
At bedtime Marge had words with Homer.
"Homer is this how you envisioned married life?" Marge asked.
"Sort of except we drove around in a van solving mysteries." said Homer reading a Scooby Doo comic. Hehehe!
"Hmmmm! Well I was thinking cocktail glasses and napkins! I wanna throw a dinner party!" said Marge.
"But the toilet always gets blocked up..." Homer groaned.
"I don't care if the sinks spew sludge! We're having a party!" Marge nagged.
...
The Simpsons went to a store that called Stoner's Pot Palace. Otto stormed out of it.
"That is blatant false advertising!" Otto ranted. We get it you're a pot head...
The Simpsons looked at all the party stuff. Only Marge was actually interested.
"Oh! A melon baller!" said Marge. "A citrus zester! A ravioli crimper!" Why would you make ravioli for a party?! "Oh! An oyster mallet!" Marge looked at the oyster mallet. "Made in the USA. Ugh! No thank you!"
"How dare you!" Uncle Sam yelled.
"Such insurrection!" Eagleman snapped.
"Okay! Okay! This is a wonderful and expertly crafted oyster mallet, I'd certainly buy as a patriotic American! Geez!" Marge ranted annoyed.
"You know what would be cool Bart?" Oscar asked.
"What..." Bart groaned.
"If I unleashed a bull in here and it smashed everything up!" said Oscar.
"Hey Lis! Check this out! Non stick coating!" said Hugo putting Maggie in a non stick wok. She slide about like Bart at a skateboard park catching air on the half pipe.
"Woooooow! That's totally tubular Hugo!" said Bart. Oscar rolled his eyes at Bart using skater speak.
Marge saw a crystal glass punch bowl. "Ooooooooooh! Homer! Doesn't this punch bowl just scream good taste?!"
"No, but it looks like it might shatter if you screamed at the right note and pitch at it." said Oscar.
Homer saw the expensive looking punch bowl. "Sheesh! Oh Marge! We can't afford that! Who do you think I am? Liz Taylor?"
"I'd prefer if that analogy was instead about Rip Taylor..." said Oscar. Rip Taylor was skipping gayly through the Stoner's Pot Palace singing "Lalalala la!"
"Quiet you!" Homer snapped at Oscar.
They bought their stuff and went home.
...
The Simpsons are getting ready for a party at their house.
Marge was in the kitchen rushing about.
"Bart put doilies under the coasters. (She opens the dishwasher which has toilet seats in them.) Lisa screw these back on and hurry!"
"Mom the party doesn't start for three hours." said Lisa. "And we only have three toilets! What's this fourth one for?"
"That's Hugo's." said Homer. We cut to the attic where a toilet had been badly installed and not linked up to the plumbing properly.
"Oh good! Just enough time to add another glaze to the ham!" Marge took out a glowing ham that was too bright!
"Aghhh! My eyes! My goggles do nothing!" Oscar cried in pain at the blinding ham glaze.
"If you wore them on your eyes instead of your forehead that would help..." Bart replied.
Oscar pulled down his green anime goggles with a matching green sweatband over his eyes. "Yeah that's much better..." he sighed with relief that they blotted out the harsh glow of the glazed ham.
Later...
Marge checked the dining room it was nicely set. However two candles were different sizes so she chewed off some chunks of wax from the long one to match them up.
Marge then checked the kids to see if they were dressed nicely. She embarrassed Bart by licking a napkin and rubbing his face. Then she brushed Bart and Hugo's spikes down and neatly in place. She reminds them to behave and requests Homer doesn't get drunk again and humiliate her.
However Homer isn't dressed as he's in his underwear with Oscar playing Skalletrix racing cars.
"Mmmm! I asked for one thing and that was to get dressed and you didn't do it!" Marge nagged. A door bell rang. "And now it's too late! They're here!" Homer and Oscar rushed upstairs.
"Bart take everyone's coats as they come in." said Marge.
The Lovejoys arrive with no coats.
"Mom, the Lovejoys don't have coats. Should I let them in?" Bart asked.
"We had coats but someone stole them at the church jumble sale! Here Bart, take our umbrellas." said Reverend Lovejoy.
The Hibberts had fur coats.
"We don't believe fur is murder but paying for it is! Ehehehe!" Dr Hibbert chuckled.
Lisa seethed in anger and had a red face.
"Lisa no protesting tonight!" said Marge.
Last was the Van Houtens. They carried a frosty atmosphere about them as if there had been an argument.
"Sorry we're late. Luanne had to put her face on because she lost her eyebrows!" said Kirk.
Luanne glared at him and her eyebrows had been hastily stuck on.
"What? You don't have eyebrows!" said Kirk.
Eventually everyone arrived but there was still a frosty atmosphere between Kirk and Luanne. Marge livens it up by making margaritas. However Homer starts drinking too many and gets slowly drunk...
The Flanders arrive.
"Where do we put our coats Marge?" Ned asked. "Sorry for being tardy but I had to ground Rod and Todd for repeating a swear word they heard from the TV and then I had a to book a babysitter for them!"
"Oh just fling them onto the bed in the master bedroom." Marge replied noticing Luanne sniping at Kirk again.
There was a big pile of coats on Marge and Homer's bed. Maggie was hiding in them. She then found someone's money and ripped it all up.
At the kid's table at dinner Bart was being silly with his food. He had a frankfurter in his mouth swinging it about and pulling faces.
"That is why I prefer to be at the grownup's table..." Lisa sighed as she sat up with the grown ups and watched Bart's silly antics.
"Did anyone see that new Woody Allen movie?" Kirk asked. "I don't like that nervous stuttering fellow with the glasses who's always in it..."
"That nervous stuttering guy is Woody Allen..." Homer sighed at Kirk not recognising which star was Woody Allen.
"And no, I don't watch films written by and starring child molesters..." said Oscar. "Oh wait! That hasn't happened yet!"
Dr Hibbert finished his meal. "Mmmmmmm! Well Marge, if I was on death row and that was my last meal I'd say Bring on the lethal injection! Ahehehehehehe!"
"Yeah you really should be on death row! Have you forgotten you tried to kill me in a high octane gun battle at the Simpsons house all because I rightfully got you fired for assaulting a minor and encouraging Marge and Homer to lock their son Hugo up in the attic!?" Oscar ranted.
"Who wants margarita?" Marge tried to break the ice.
...
Marge then had an activity for the guests, pictionary.
"Hmmmmm... Well that's a noodle scratcher..." said Ned as it was his turn to draw.
Oscar was eating take away noodles from an American style Chinese food takeaway noodle box, at a dinner party... um I'm trying to be funny because Ned calls a head a noodle...
Ned made dots on the canvas.
"Oh! Corn starch!" said Maude.
"Right again, honeybunch!" said Ned.
"How the hell is that Corn Starch?!" Oscar ranted.
Next up was Dracula. He drew a stick man of Abraham Lincoln.
"It's a box!" said Harold.
"It's a cow!" Billy yelled.
"It's a yak..." said Homer.
"It's a flaming cow box baby!" Billy yelled enthusiastically.
Dracula face palmed.
However on Kirk's turn where he had to draw dignity the game soon caused an argument between Kirk and Luanne because Kirk couldn't draw dignity.
Marge tried to get Lisa to sing to distract everyone.
"Oh great now they've got their daughter to sing! You're happy now?!" Kirk yelled.
"Oh I'm real happy with a husband who can't make ends meet at his job at the cracker factory... I'm so happy stealing clothes from the church jumble sale..." Luanne ranted.
"So that's who's been stealing the clothes..." Tim Lovejoy said to his wife.
"Well, here's a door! Use it!" Kirk drew a door badly...
"That door sucks!" Homer yelled.
...
Meanwhile Bart was upstairs in the master bedroom playing Dr Bart with Milhouse who was wearing someone's fur coat.
"I'm afraid I'll have to amputate your butt, Mr Van Houten." Dr Bart (Bart wearing Dr Hibbert's stethoscope) explained.
"Oh dear!" Milhouse said in a silly voice as Bart was examining his butt.
"Milhouse pull up your pants we're going home!" Luanne came in and took Milhouse who was still wearing the fur coat home.
"Sure Mom!" said Milhouse as she took him. "Bye Dr Bart!" He said to Bart in a silly voice.
Luanne left the party with Milhouse. "Kirk, I'm going home with our son! What you do is your choice! But I don't know if we'll still be there when you get back tonight!" Everyone was embarrassed as she stormed off.
"Someone's in the dog house..." Homer remarked to Kirk.
However the party as everyone left soon turned to chaos.
"Who took my fur coat?!" Yelled a female guest.
"Someone ripped up all of my money! Now how will I pay my gambling debts now?!" Another guest yelled.
Marge made a nervous sound. "Don't worry, I'm sure your fur coat will turn up somewhere..."
"Marge... the sink upstairs is spewing sludge..." said Oscar.
"Oooooooh!" Marge groaned annoyed.
"I knew we shouldn't have served North Korean fortune cookies..." said Homer.
"Ah! Why you say that? American dog! I bomb you now!" Kim Jong Il yelled.
Homer winced exasperated.
Plot 2The next day Marge went to see Luanne. She was packing all of Kirk's stuff in boxes.
"So Kirk's left you?!" Marge asked.
"Marge, today I'm a new woman! Luanne Van Houten is dead! Say hello to Miss Luanne Mussolini!" Luanne explained as she taped up a box of Kirk's stuff.
"Oh my gawd?!" Marge gasped. "You're not related to..."
"Yes Benito Mussolini was my great grandfather..." Luanne replied. Milhouse was hanging about.
"Sweetie why don't you go out and play with Bart?" Luanne ushered him outside.
"Okay Mom." said Milhouse.
Luanne was talking to Marge while burning Kirk's things.
"Shouldn't you return his clothes to him?" Marge asked.
"Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here." said Luanne.
Elsewhere Reverend Lovejoy was at an interfaith banquet.
"That's impossible as my close network of friends are xenophobic to other faiths..." said Marge from Luanne's garage.
"I keep telling you I am not a heretic! I am Hindu! We worship many Gods! Such as the elephant headed Ganesh!" said Apu at the banquet arguing with Ned.
Ned sighed and thought Apu was insane.
"Oh I suppose I'm a heretic for believing the sabbath is a Saturday!" Krusty ranted while eating canapés.
Meanwhile Homer hung about with Kirk and took him to Moe's.
"Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?" Kirk asked.
Oscar had a bizarre dream cloud involving Woody Allen and Woodsy Owl.
"Give a hoot! Don't pollute!" said Woodsy Owl.
...
Bart explained to Milhouse the advantages of having parents who had split up. "You get twice as many birthday and Christmas presents!" He coughed for attention. "That reminds me, if you get doubles for a video game, I want one copy Mr "I won't share my Bonestorm!"
"Fine...! You can have Bonestorm! I completed it already..." Milhouse sighed.
"Nah I'm enjoying my copy thank you very much..." Bart replied.
"Yeah your stolen copy. Thief..." Milhouse frowned at him.
Oscar glared at him.
Then Milhouse had one of his funny minced curses in the place of actual cursing.
"Sweet Fanny Adams!" Milhouse gasped when he saw something odd.
Bart winced exasperated.
"Milhouse why did you just yell that?"
"I dunno. Sweet Marlon Brando! What is that?!" Milhouse yelled.
"Hehehehe... fanny..." Oscar chuckled.
Suddenly Lisa and Hugo ran into his room frightened and exhausted from running.
"What..." Bart asked annoyed by them coming into his room.
"There some crazy midget clowns that want to kill us!" Lisa jabbered quickly.
Bart pulled a strange face to show he was baffled and alarmed.
Outside on the porch were several Clownjas, Oscar's cute clown headed Jack in a box critter, jumping about. One was blond, one was green haired etc.
"Lis, those are just some Clownjas. They're harmless..." Oscar sighed.
The Clownjas laughed like Ripper Roo.
"Now do you mind? I'm trying to console Milhouse after his parents have divorced. He'll soon be a pawn in their fights over him." said Bart.
...
Meanwhile at the Van Houten's.
"Oh Luanne, Tracy wants her fur coat back... you probably forgot Milhouse might have been playing dress up in it..." Marge sighed.
"Oh I was wondering why he was wearing that! Here you go. Sorry about that. When you're angry you can sometimes be in a hurry..." Luanne gave Marge Tracy's fur coat.
"Grandpa, you can't jettison Aunt Mitzi out the third-floor window!" Milhouse groaned.
"Uh..." Luanne wondered what's her father in law was up to.
Upstairs Grampa Van Houten had calmed down and was no longer trying to jettison Aunt Mitzi out of the window.
Milhouse sighed and switched on his TV. Barney the dinosaur was on.
"Oh for the love of limpet! Milhouse don't be a simp all your life!" Bart groaned. "Watch something cool like Krusty or Goosebumps..."
"Bart I don't like scary things." said Milhouse. "Look I'll watch Reading Rainbow."
"I prefer Rainbow with Zippy, George and Bungle..." said Oscar being silly.
"Right that's it! I'm throwing your Aunt Mitzi out of the window!" Grampa Van Houten yelled.
Milhouse winced.
At home Lisa was reading. Hugo scuttled into the living room on his hands and feet like a dog. He was moaning and jabbering in a creepy manner.
Lisa shivered concerned.
"Bunny yummy!" Hugo was chasing a live rabbit that got into the house somehow.
"No Hugo. Rabbits aren't food..." Lisa sighed.
Oscar drew a cartoon slime monster into existence.
"Yucky yucky...!" Hugo groaned in a feral manner.
Oscar smirked.
...
At night in the master bedroom of the Simpsons house.
"Homer I'm worried. Without a Male role model in his life, Milhouse could end up a bad influence on Bart!" said Marge.
Bart was setting fire to stuff with a flamethrower.
"I think Bart's already a bad influence on himself sweetie..." said Homer.
"Oh okay. Well goodnight dear." said Marge.
"Goodnight." said Homer. He had a nightmare and tossed and turned and cried out in his sleep.
"No Bart! No! Get back! Nooooooo!" Homer cried. Startling Marge. "Ooooh! Oh it's you Aquaman!" Homer then slept soundly.
"Homer, you're dreaming about Aquaman again..." Marge sighed.
"Oh sorry sweetie. Look don't you worry about Bart, let me worry about Bart." said Homer.
"Correct but we would have also accepted "Blank?! BLANK?! Who the hell cares about blank?! You're not looking at the bigger picture!" said an 80s business guy.
Homer grimaced.
At the Van Houtens.
"Why don't you tell them one of your little bedtime stories, huh? Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser. Or about how I carry a purse?! Yes a purse!" Kirk ranted in an argument.
"Actually I was just gonna read Milhouse Goldilocks and the three bears." said Luanne.
Kirk was dumbstruck. "Now you're just going through semantics!"
At Mussolini's cracker factory.
"Mussolini's is a happy family company. In light of your divorce your fired Kirk." said Luanne's father.
"You can't fire me because of my marriage failing. I could sue you for unfair dismissal!" said Kirk.
"Successfully might I add..." said Lionel Hutz randomly appearing.
Mr Mussolini buried his head in his folded arms upon his desk frustrated.
...
At school, recess.
Nelson soon learned Milhouse's parents were divorced.
"Parents divorced er?" Nelson asked.
"Uh huh. Um... aren't you gonna go Haw Haw?" Milhouse asked.
"Certainly not! My parents are separated too! My dad left my mom after she got addicted to cough drops. Eventually her breath smelt so sweet she wasn't my mom anymore!" Nelson cries.
"Wanna be friends?" Milhouse asked.
"Sure!" said Nelson.
"I went through a divorce. My son and I are just getting along fine." said Kearney.
"I sleep in a drawer!" said Kearney Jr.
"Haw Haw!" Oscar laughed cruelly at Kearney. The bald bully was mortified.
Bart was sat on the jungle gym with Hugo.
Hugo grinned and stroked him in a creepy manner.
"Hugo buzz off! You're creeping me out!" Bart snapped.
"Hmmmmph. There's no use resisting brother. We will be together again!" Hugo was obsessing over surgically reattaching them together again.
"Hey look it's the dweeb and his freak of a brother!" said Jimbo arriving with Dolph and Kearney.
"Watch it, Jimbo, or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up-your butt." Hugo threatened him. Big mistake.
"Oh you read! That is so lame!" said Jimbo.
...
Some weeks later Luanne had moved on to a new man.
"Bart! Come over and see my Mom's new boyfriend!" Milhouse begged Bart to come over.
"Oh my god! Pyro from American Gladiators!" Bart gasped as Pyro was dating Luanne.
"British Gladiators whoops your Gladiators butt!" Oscar commented.
"Hey, wanna break a chair on Pyro? It's ok he won't feel anything!" Milhouse asked.
Bart broke a chair over Pyro.
"Cooooool! How did you not feel that?!" Bart asked.
"I've had training." Pyro replied.
One afternoon Homer was having a bath and whistling while scrubbing himself. Bart suddenly came in with a chair and broke it over him. Homer screamed in pain.
"What the hell?!" Homer yelled at him.
"Gee sorry! It's a pretty standard stunt Homer!" Bart yelled.
"Bart, are you ready yet? We've got a dentist appointment!" said Marge.
Homer was solemnly soaping himself as Bart left.
...
Homer got dressed and went to see Kirk at his apartment in the bachelor apartments.
"I've got a racing car bed! Do you?!" Kirk boasted.
"I share a bed with my wife." Homer replied.
"Oh..." Kirk replied. Ouch! That burn! Hehehe!
Kirk warned Homer to be more careful of his marriage. The first sign things are going south is when you come home to find you have defrosted hotdogs for dinner.
Homer offered to sleep over but all the men in the complex who's wives had left them kept him up all night crying for their wives.
The next day one of the bachelors needed Kirk's help.
"A possum drowned in the pool. Got any bin bags?" said Neg or something.
"Oh just toss it over to next doors which is an Arby's. Let them handle it." said Kirk.
"Mmmmmmmm! Possum burger..." Oscar groaned and drooled.
"Eeeeeeew!" Homer groaned.
"Something drowned in the pool eh? That reminds me of that time I was invited to Michael Barrymore's pool party!" said a lonely divorcee.
"Dude! Not funny!" Oscar snapped.
...
At the Van Houten's Milhouse was driving his toy pedal car inside and ripping up the carpet and smashing up the place.
"And the winner is! Milhouse 500!" Milhouse yelled breaking a lamp.
"Milhouse are you sure you want to ride that thing inside the house?" Luanne asked.
"Yes Mom!" said Milhouse.
"Okay, but be careful my sweet, sweet treasure!" said Luanne.
Milhouse shrugged and continued driving his car inside and smashing up the place while making car noises with his mouth.
"Milhouse no! Stop that at once! This isn't the time to use that!" Professor Oak yelled.
Plot 3Marge and Bart were leaving the dentist.
"Sweetie I'm so proud of you for looking after your teeth and brushing them that I'm making you a special dinner. Butterscotch fried chicken!" said Marge.
"Uh Mom, I'm allergic to butterscotch..." said Bart.
"Oh yeah..." Marge realised.
...
The school bus ride home.
"Hey Milhouse! I'm going to Gil's used car shack to steal the inflatable gorilla! Wanna come?" said Nelson offering Milhouse a seat.
"Sure!" said Milhouse.
"Can I come?" Bart asked.
"Take a hike, family boy!" Nelson rudely shoved him off the seat.
...
Homer came home one evening to find frozen hotdogs in the sink defrosting. "Aaaaaaagh! Kirk was right! My marriage is dooomed!"
"Homer! Our marriage is not doomed! Oh we're having hotdogs tonight before they go off." Marge explained.
"Oh!" Homer sighed with relief.
Then to Marge's exasperation he built a poker shack in the middle of a treacherous alligator infested swamp.
"Hrrrrrrmmmmmm..." Marge grumbled.
Then at night Homer made annoying ocean sounds.
furst he started out soothing...
Marge was alarmed and woke with a start when Homer started squeaking like a seagull.
Homer then honked like an old steam boat.
"Aaaaaaarrrr! Matey!" said Homer trying to sound like an old sea dog captain.
"Arrrrrrrr! I do not sound like that!" Captain McCallister said sharply.
"How the devil did you get into my house and into my bedroom?!" Homer gasped.
...
Kirk trying to spoil Milhouse to buy his affections like divorced parents do took Milhouse and Bart to a sports game.
"And here's your silly fries, your soda, your nuggets and a Jack Nicholson brochure. My special little guy!" Kirk gave Milhouse some snack food etc.
"What do I get?" Bart asked.
"Hey your parents are still together! Let us lonely singles have some fun, eh?!" Kirk ranted.
...
Homer went to see Kirk again and suggested he try to get back with Luanne. At another dinner party Kirk sings his sappy song "Can I borrow a feeling?" and asks Luanne if she'll have him back.
"No!" Luanne dumped him.
"Oh..." Kirk sighed.
"Ok Kirk, step away before you embarrass yourself..." Pyro escorts Kirk out the room.
Then Homer had news. Marge I'm offering you a divorce."
Why?!" Marge was shocked and upset.
"So I can give us a proper marriage with a reverend... and not in some cheep Elvis wedding parlour on the side of a desert road like our actual wedding..." Homer said glumly.
In a flashback young Homer and Young Marge had one of those tacky desert roadside cathedral weddings with a casino owner as the register/witness.
"Do you kapow!"
"Homer J Simpson." said Homer.
"Take boink!"
"Marge Bouvier." said Marge.
"To be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Yes!" said Homer.
"By the power invested in this casino. I pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss and then peruse any of the tables or slot machines at your leisure." said the casino guy.
"Marge I want us to have a proper wedding! So we don't end up like Luanne and Kirk!" said Homer in the present.
"Oooooh! Homer! We'll never end up like that! I will always love you!" said Marge.
Lovejoy acted as their vicar.
He read Homer's long boring vows which got stupid.
"And blasting across the Alkali Flats in a jet powered monkey- It goes on like this a lot." Lovejoy sighed.
"Just get to the do you bit." said Homer.
"Do you Homer Simpson take Marge." said Lovejoy.
"Yes!" said Homer.
"And do you Marge?" Lovejoy sighed.
"Yes!" said Marge.
"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride." said Lovejoy.
Marge and Homer kissed.
Everyone cheered. Bart made a disgusted gagging sound.
The end.