In hindsight it may have been unwise to get absolutely shit faced, Riley haphazardly mused tripping out of the taxi. The world shifted around her dangerously. Bozer tripped past her muttering about the depths of life. Her hand blearily tried to grasp onto any part of him to stop him toppling over. A warm form bumped into her. Mac mumbled a distracted apology as they tried and failed to stop their friend from toppling into a bush. They stared at him drunkenly trying to process the sight. Bozer groaned loudly. Riley tried to calculate how much they had consumed but her memory had disappeared around shot 5. Her innate competitive nature had superseded her sense. Her vision swum yet again and she gripped at Mac trying to maintain her balance. He murmured against her hair and they stood swaying slightly in the warm LA air. Bozer had gone fully liquid cat by the time they tried dragging him out of the bushes. Riley finally got one of Bozer's arms around her shoulders and the trio stood as one overly merry bunch. The attempt to get to Mac's house was tricky. Each of the sets of drunken feet were determined to move in opposite directions. Riley was loosely aimed towards the house. Bozer seemed to be dragging backwards. Mac was ambling towards the brilliant view scape around the side of his home.
She couldn't remember who had the brilliant plan to get heroically drunk but if she was a solid human being in the morning she may punch them. There was also a distinct possibility that they may have been barred from that bar. Bozer and Mac's rendition of Piano Man had been an assault on music. She may have rescued the day with a Taylor Swift melody. Bozer suddenly groaned and dived towards the new installation of potted plants near Mac's entry way. At least the neighbours wouldn't be pissed. The loss of their middle man sent Mac swerving away dangerously. He managed to stop his collision with the ground. Riley watched as he sat heavily down next to his vomiting friend. His blue eyes were staring up at the starless sky as though the milky way was dancing before him. Eyes as bright as his imagined star view. Riley slowly, clumsily made her way towards the front door. The heels she'd opted for that morning were not designed for an impromptu drinking session. Bozer coughed sourly. She kicked her shoes and was shocked with the accuracy with which they landed by the door. Mac was still in space so Riley had to gather up the now dry heaving Bozer solo and guide him gently to the door. "We don't deserve you Ry-Ry." The attempt to roll her eyes sent her stomach into a hurricane. 'I fully agree. But if you call me that again I will destroy you."
Getting the door unlocked with a boneless Boze was a testament to her addled skills. The door bounced heavily against the wall and she winced loudly. Desi was a notoriously light sleeper. Riley had the most grace out of the three of them right now and she was sure she was making some amount of noise. Weirdly no Desi appeared. Bozer taking her distraction as a queue to unlatch himself careened down the hallway with not much mind. Water they needed water but she needed to fetch Mac first. The hesitant pause outside Mac's- Mac and Desi's room was instinctual. The walls in this beautiful house were not as soundproof as you'd expect for a MacGyver household. There had been many nights in which she'd had to hide outside with her gaming laptop and headphones to drown out the overly active sex life she'd endured. Ignoring the room-mate fowl of being ridiculously loud to an almost performative level; it had just hurt. She couldn't hear anything from the outside of the door. The whoosh and muffled noises told Riley that Bozer had face planted into the couch. Slowly making her way back to the stargazer outside she hoped that she'd get back in before Boze suffocated himself. Her padded feet slid across the floor barely making a noise. As she reached the door a very firm presence collided with hers. Her socked feet didn't provide any traction and thus the momentum sent her flying back into the wall. Mac's solid frame knocking against hers knocked the breath of her in both the physical sense as well as the hormonal. His large hand had swiftly moved to cradle her head protecting her from the impact. Her hands were gripping his shoulders a hair too tight, a means of hiding the thrumming in her chest. Mac blinked down at her slowly, gaze similar to the awe she'd seen outside. Time seemed to stretch endlessly. Boze's plaintiff out of tune singing reached them and they parted a little reluctantly.
She remained against the wall for a moment as Mac slipped away. After a woozy minute to gather her frayed bearings she headed for water. They desperately needed water. Mac was kneeling awkwardly at the couch. The alcohol causing an imbalance that would have been funny if she wasn't osculating similarly. Her stomach swooped dangerously as she watched them. Bozer was staring glumly at the ceiling. Singing a tragic love song as his friend tried to reach him. This day had snuck up on them all so quickly so suddenly. The meeting earlier that day had been quite relaxed by Phoenix standards. Status reports and logistically planning for the next 6 months. Mattie had hit something by accident on her tablet and the date flashed up on the screen. By sheer dumb luck Mac and Desi had managed to catch Boze before he collapsed onto the glass table. The colour fading so fast from his face it had scared her. Riley had to catch a sudden sob in her throat as she pieced it together. It was his and Leanna's anniversary. The chaos of the past year had them compartmentalising everything traumatic. Now they were paying the price. Mattie had dismissed Riley and Mac for a four day weekend without argument. Desi had watched them, eyes unreadable. Part of Riley had wondered why she wasn't following them out but the larger part of her knew her presence was not wanted right now. She didn't know Leanna all that well. There had been little to no effort made to change that at the time. Bozer needed people who loved Leanna too. Desi was not one of those people. But to Desi's credit she had changed enough to recognise the moment for what it was. No sign of resistance to Riley and Mac rescuing Bozer from curious eyes.
She gently placed the glasses on the table, taking hers and draining it swiftly. She felt the water slip to her extremities as she sipped. Cool tendrils wrapping around her. But it didn't give her any clarity. Her world was still slipping and swirling in her periphery. As she moved to sit down on the couch next to Bozer. Mac slipped and stumbled his way to the other side of their friend. Then Bozer started talking about Leanna. They laughed and lamented in equal parts. Riley swung her legs up and turned, leaning back into the warm leather couch. Bozer was staring up at the ceiling hand holding tight to his nose. Perhaps an attempt to get the room to stop spinning. Her legs draped over his with her feet tucked under Mac's thigh Bozer turned and burrowed into her chest. Mac wrapped himself as best he could around his brother. A giggle rippled up through Riley unexpectedly remembered Leanna. She spent the next few minutes teasing Mac over how long it took him to work out that she was his best friends "girl". Mac flushed adorably and shrugged. That first mission as a foursome seemed like a lifetime away. Then Bozer broke down, the intensity of his sobs shaking all of them. Both her and Mac struggled to contain their own tears for both of their friends. Bozer was mourning deeply, finally letting the walls he'd built up around his grief and the circumstances in which they had learned about their loss. On a base intellectual level she understood why Russ had kept them in the dark. However, his actions had lead them to being further blind sided on a day already so violating. It also was not his responsibility to decide what they did or didn't need to know. She had told him as such shortly after that day. Screamed more like. Mac moved to the ground and hugged him as best as he could do in their weird positions. Bozer spoke about his plans to marry her. She'd even mulled over ring choices with him. Eventually neither Mac or Riley could stop the tears from falling at they sat together just moving through the motions of their grief.
The funny stories started up again as the intense sadness faded to the back. Bozer's grip tightened around her as Mac recalled one of Leanna's reactions to his antics. The alcohol surged in her stomach viciously and she tumbled of the couch lurching towards the nearest bathroom. Mac and Bozer laughed watching her flee the room. Mac was even trying to explain the process of getting drunk but his own state of it was muddling it up resulting in further pearls of laughter. Desi definitely wasn't home as she blundered into Mac's en suite, their en-suite. Idly wondering why humanity continued to drink as her hours of drinking. The boys were calling to make sure she hadn't died. Her disgruntled fuck off only led to further laughter. Then, much to her satisfaction groans as their own alcohol content made itself known. Riley finally looked around the en suite. She'd never really been in this space. Mac's room yeah occasionally during lockdown she'd have to kick Mac out to go and do something but his bathroom felt weirder somehow. It was more intimate. She glanced around noticing the utter lack of Desi's presence. There was only one toothbrush and the products scattered around were all Mac's preferences not Desi's. She frowned at the lack of Desi before flinching at her own reflection. A drunken racoon, post a fight and shortly thereafter being dragged through a hedge would be a close approximation to her current look. Letting her hair loose she slowly moved out Mac's room, de-tangling as she went. She took a moment to make sure the boys were still conscious/alive. There was some debate over their fake marriages going on so she figured she had a good 20 minutes to get tidied up. Her old room hadn't changed much since she'd moved out. Mac worked to keep it similar to how she'd had the room set up. There were more traces of Mac in here now. She supposed they were the things that didn't work for Desi. Little projects scattered here and there. Several photographs too. Her preferred toiletries were in the cabinet. Mac had replaced everything after she left. It was so like him. She washed her face thoroughly. Her face warmed at the thought of Mac remembering what she like and making the effort to make sure it was always there in case she needed them. The vomiting didn't eliminate the alcohol she discovered as her balance escaped her once again. Leaning heavily against the sink she brushed her teeth ignoring the slowly turning world. Staring up at the ceiling a distant memory rose to the conscious mind.
The bar was lively and the peak of LA hipster life, skinny jeans and ironic facial hair as far as the eye could seen. Riley and Leanna were perched at the bar during the Friday's happy hour. Riley had managed to trick the boys into covering them sneaking out a little early. Mac had left her a voicemail. Which was just Boze panicking in the background about the genius women scheming against them. They laughed as they pictured him moaning at Mac and Jack with his ever present flair for the dramatic. Riley appreciated being able to get to know Leanna on personal level. There was something special about girl bonding. Which she'd never been great at. It was further complicated by the typically 2 very boisterous men and a Mac hanging around. She'd been describing the her early days joining the team, before Bozer learned the truth. His infatuation was infamous and Riley delighted in arming his very cool new girlfriend with the ammunition. The cocktails were delicious and refreshing. Leanna's large eyes sparklingly with mirth and a deep wit but there was a curiosity aimed at Riley that she wasn't all too sure what to do with. She hummed as she ordered them another round. Riley drained her margarita as Leanna continue to chew over her pondering over something. 'Oh just ask already.' She rolled her eyes good naturedly at the agent. Leanna laughed lightly and finished her own drink. 'Yeah I was just thinking about what you were saying about Bozer and his crush.' At Riley's concerned look Leanna waved her off. 'Strictly platonic you two, you felt zip and he was just being... well an infatuated idiot man about it.' Her dark eyes assessed Riley carefully. 'He and Mac are best friends, brothers really.' Leanna paused, contemplatively. 'Is that why you and Mac never hooked up?' The alcohol burned worse going down the wrong pipe. Riley wondered if she'd misheard the question. Leanna seeing the bewilderment continued unperturbed. 'I mean it's obviously that you guys are into each other. He's hot, you're hot and your both scarily smart. It makes sense that you'd have some fun. But you haven't. Is it because Boze liked you so overtly?"
Her comments were so matter of fact and nonplussed that all Riley could manage was a garbled splutter. 'Oh come on. There's a thing. You guys at that resort? The flirting was so fun to watch. Even though you were hitting on my husband.' The bartender stared at Leanna laughed at her own joke. Sometimes Riley could almost forget how weird their lives were. Yes they'd be a little... friendlier with each other at the resort. They were playing being hot young things, being riské was part and parcel of the op. At least that's what she'd told herself at the time. 'I know you're dating Billy and all but like... girl.' Leanna fanned herself still laughing at her friends reaction. 'The looks alone were something else. He could barely stop staring at you and phew you gave as good as you got. You can't tell me you haven't considered it? I mean if that's good and improvising out there imagine what he'd be like in the bedroom... and out of it.' A small part of Riley's imploding brain was wondering if Leanna was actually an undercover mole sent to kill her by setting off an aneurysm in her head. Riley was unable to control the blush that seemed to heat up her entire body. Leanna smirked self congratulatory, leaning back and drinking slowly. Riley gulped at her fresh drink trying to cool down just a tidge. She took a steadying breath. 'Yes he's hot and smart and also just a genuinely nice guy. It's a dangerous combination.' It was a thread of thinking Riley hadn't really allowed herself to have. Not only was he an adoptive brother to Bozer he was also family to Jack. Yes she'd had a few impure thoughts about the blonde engineer but anyone inclined to hot guys would. Her brain had also provided more than few dreams and hypothetical scenarios that had set her blood aflame. Yeah there was Billy she cared a lot about her boyfriend but she'd be an idiot to lie about her... thoughts. Leanna apparently could read Riley's face easier than the CIA textbook as she nudged Riley's leg. 'Neither of you are the cheating type but I was curious as to why you'd hadn't hooked up.' She fluffed her fringe and smiled gently. 'I'm just saying, whatever it is between you guys besides the admiration, trust, and loyalty, it's mutual. If in the future you are both free agents... maybe consider jumping on the opportunity.' No wonder Bozer was so into this girl. She was smart, resourceful, graceful and insanely talented at lacing her words with subtle and not so subtle innuendo. Riley couldn't stop the laughing from bursting out of her. Leanna joined in, the gentle buzz edging towards dangerous. 'Also some day you are going to tell me about what your brain had imagined.' Riley cackled at Leanna's suggestive eyebrow wiggling. 'Depends how long you've got.' She retorted getting back to a tipsily driven even keel.
'How long for what exactly?' Mac's warm amused voice washed over Riley. He slid in behind Riley's seat like a shadow. It took everything for Riley to not choke on her drink. Leanna mock pouted at Mac, seemingly cutting Riley some much needed slack. 'Sorry women do not divulge the conversations of Happy Hour to the men.' He held up his hands in surrender as Bozer marched over complaining about their aberrant betrayal of friendship, love and happy hour. Mac rolled his eyes good-naturedly at his antics. 'If we let ourselves get played then we deserve to get played. There's no shame in loosing to the best.' He bumped against her shoulder, delighting in her giggles. Leanna dragged Bozer away to the far side of the bar. As Mac turned to order his own drink, she turned and shot Riley the dirtiest wink. She was so going to get her back eventually. He grinned with a violently purple cocktail in his hand as he slide into the vacated seat. Some women near by stared a little bemused but eyeballing him appreciatively. Mac, as was his way was completely oblivious to the leers. He was charming, funny, sweet, hot and totally and utterly clueless to the effect he had on people. Extremely lucky as her heart rate felt like it had doubled. As well as the instinct to cross her leg to alleviate the tension swirling. Will Boze forgive us?' She lamented holding a hand dramatically her forehead. Her voice was a solid 10 degrees cooler than her racing blood.'Once you pay for all his rounds.' She rolled her eyes. 'Such a cheapskate.' The happy couple made their way back to them. Riley and Mac exchanged an amused look taking in Bozer's smudged lipstick stains. Leanna reached up and wiped it away with her thumb. They were a really sweet couple. Mac threw an arm around Riley's shoulders and started mocking Bozer. Riley's brain started commenting on nice his arm really was. So warm and strong. Urgh.
God damn her libido.
'Riles? Riles? You okay in there?' She started at the gentle knocking, she blinked down at herself. Her reminiscing had gone on for sometime and there was toothpaste dripping down her top. 'Yeah fine just... thinking'. The memory was joyful but tainted by the grief. They'd all experienced too much of that of late. She rummaged around looking for some spare clothes in her old room. As she tried to find some of her old clothes. Mac had insisted on her leaving some stuff behind so she always had something in case she needed it. Besides knowing him he'd go and buy stuff for her. Sweats and flannels were a safe option according to him. A large box slipped out from behind the box she was elbow deep in. Paper clip art pieces skittered across the floor. If Riley had thought she had sobered up the moment she dropped to the floor to gather up all the pieces told her otherwise. A part of her brain acknowledged that she had dropped with far too much force. The much drunker part had muted the pain receptors. Her knees would be displeased in the morning. Riley smiled softly at the art as she gently scooped them up into the beautiful wooden box. It was rich mahogany chest. Hand crafted. She moved the box to the bedside table. The small silver crafts shimmered in the low light. She turned and pulled on an old flannel shirt she was roughly 80% sure was hers and ratty sweats. Comfort clothes. She sat down on the floor between them, resting her head against the cushions. The conversation ebbed and flowed. Food seemed to arrive by magic but it was entirely possible that she was nodding off during the ordering and delivery. Bozer eventually disappeared off to his room. Riley watched him go, leaning heavily against Mac's leg. 'I hope he's feeling better.' She murmured, eyes drooping. She pulled herself up on the couch, curling up next to Mac. 'He's on the way.' He wrapped a blanket around them.
The hangover the next day was brutal but it was worth it to see Bozer's shoulders looking a little less burdened. Breakfast was ready as well as over the top. Bozer was cackling loudly at Mac being in an oversized German Ice Hockey jersey. A weird gift they had all gotten from Jack one Christmas. As she watched her favourite people banter back and forth she felt a peace that hadn't been in her heart for a long time. The coffee was hot and the food was expertly delicious. To quote Boze. Mac argued that statement made no sense to which the counter argument had been that it's inaccuracy was the epitome of accuracy. She left them, patting Bozer on the shoulder on her way to sit by the pit. It had been a ritual of hers while living in the house. Outside watching the sun rise over the LA skyline had been a reminder of the freedoms she'd gained back. The air was warm and comforting. The sky was alight with brilliant colours and hues that never stayed the same but remained familiar. LA was never a peaceful place, full of energy and people. The sun warmed wood felt eternally stable under her. Freedom and peace seemed to be imbedded in every inch of this home. Riley was surprised it still felt so safe to her after all the incidents in this house. Mac and Bozer were playfully, yet quietly bantering back and forth over the pancakes. She rested her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Bozer was try and failing to be quiet as he set up a little table of food next to her. The hangover was making him even louder than usual. Food was his love language he had told her during his crippling infatuation period with her. Now it was how he brought his family together and support them.
When he'd deduced her feelings for Mac he would sneak her favourite brownies in insanely large batches. Throughout the pandemic shared space fiasco he'd somehow always have a steady supply of her favourite candies at hand. It had been touching. He'd run out of Mac's special stash more than once, never hers. Drop packages would appear every time he's seen that look on her face. The number had proven that Bozer was far more observant than she'd truly credited him with. In fact he'd started leaving her morning coffee outside with some breakfast food during the really shitty days of lockdown. Riley rarely talked about her prison days with the guys. Mac had mentioned it for a short while post his op in the supermax. It has become obvious pretty quickly that it was still too raw for her at that time. Lockdown had been way too familiar a feeling to her. Coupled with no real work her mind had twisted itself into a Gordian knot of anxiety and claustrophobia. Bozer's gentle gesture had been so thoughtful. At the time he had not allowed any hugging so she'd hacked into one of his games and given him unlimited resources. A small token of her thanks. She hoped that she would be as good a friend to him now as he had been to her then. Eventually she made her way back in to find Mac messing with his broken AC unit on the kitchen counter and Boze dozing on the couch. 'I hope we helped.' Mac muttered in a low voice, eyes though staring into the maze of metal looked far away. 'Well it's a start. I hope he appreciates us suffering through these hangovers.' 'Friendship means sacrifice.' Mac agreed trying not to laugh as Riley leaned over the counter head sinking into her arms. 'RIP our livers.' She muttered as her headache grew. Bozer snuffled and mumbled in the background. He was drifting in and out of sleep. Peacefully.
Riley pulled herself up on the counter. She was content to spend the day being hungover and watching over her boys. Mac resumed his tinkering, singing quietly under his breath. Eventually she was passing him trinkets, do-dads and tools as he worked away. Then they were both on the counter legs swinging too and fro, shoulders leaning against each other. It reminded her of the early days after Jack left. They'd been so adrift. Lost. Daily life was a little less energetic and funny. They'd recognised that Jack had been the closest thing to a stable parental figure to them both. Looking back it was those early sad days that had planted the seed of her deepening feelings beyond base attraction. Movie nights, hacks and simple late night phone calls had been a saving grace for her. His sweetness after Billy. His arm wrapped around her much like that day at the bar with Leanna. The more things change, she mused. She let her head fall to his shoulder and smiled sadly at nothing in particular. They watched Bozer sleep lightly in the morning light. Her eyes swept over the Bozer then spotted the freshly packed boxes stacked in the corner. The hungover state of her mind slowed her comprehension of the meaning of those boxes. Mac stiffened as he saw where her eyes had fallen. She simply look up at him silently. His eyes were sad but somewhat peaceful as he half shrugged.
'It wasn't working. She's found a place.' Riley just stared doe eyed at him. 'Neither of us were happy and I think we both deserve that.' His hands nimbly twisted a piece of metal into a delicate form. Riley raised her eyebrows. 'Right. We do. She has questions that need answers and those answers do not lend to a relationship with someone else.' She hopped off the counter top, instantly regretting the sharp movement. Desi had recently told her about her former fiance. Ex fiance? Presumed dead fiance. It had explained a lot about Desi to Riley. As well as Desi not kicking her ass post Murdoc. A person who had lost someone without closure would understand an impossible situation. Riley froze as Mattie's recent projects came to mind. She could feel rather than see Mac's slowing down to watch her reaction. All her muscles relaxed as her brain filtered and sifted the tidbits they had been hunting for. There was an underlying pattern they were missing in the scraps they'd been able to dig up. She pulled out her spare tablet and quickly fired off a message to the brink and Mattie. 'I think I may have found a thread to pull.' He smiled brightly and closed up the AC unit, it came to life almost immediately. 'I never doubted you.' Boze groaned behind them and they winced as the sound of more dry heaving. 'Who's dumb idea was it to get shit faced last night?' The pair leaned over the countertop and pointed at the questioner. He flopped back on the couch, several shades of ash sweeping over his face. 'Please remind me never to be so fucking stupid again.'
As per Jack's requests Riley was to bring the GTO for a Mac check every fortnight. He was humming and mumbling engineer speak as she chilled with a beer. They were chatting and laughing. The air was light as was the company. Practically back to their early friendship. Hoisting herself up on the counter she stared out at the street. The evening was gently covered in the deepening twilight blue. It was always her favourite time of day. Something about it seemed to hold a special magic. Especially for her younger self. Her recollections of her painful parts of her childhood. Her Dad somehow managed not to taint those moments for her. Memories of seeing Jack and her Mom having little moments in that blue hue drifted up to her. Mac moved around the garage blue eyes lasered on the car. His face was smudged with oil and grim but bright as he leaned next to her. Draining a beer he smiled sadly at the car. 'I found another leather cuff.' The worn warm cuff looked as though it was completely out of place. Mattie, Boze, Mac and herself kept finding cuffs in really random places. Both in the Phoenix and his final gift to them. She carefully took it from his limp hand. The deep brown was weather and aged, the metal dulled and dented. The snap of the clasp rippled in the air around them as she tried it on. A faint image of Jack's adorned arm wrapping around her floated up. Mac gently echoed this movement as her eyes slid shut in response to the grief. Eventually she opened her eyes to take in the freshly setting evening. Colour deepening to a rich navy. Mac carefully took the cuff off her. Riley didn't even bother trying to stop the little zips of pleasure running up her arms at the touch. It would find it's way into his box of Jack stuff later on. They each had their own. Riley kept hers under her bed.
Only Jack would have understood the significance of that placement. When her dad had gotten rough, young her would scurry under the bed with her most precious items. The instinctual urge to protect herself and her treasures from the chaos and destruction that surrounded her. One night Jack had found her clutching a laptop to her chest while crouching near her bed. He'd softened so sweetly and spent about 10 minutes apologising. He'd accidentally smashed a glass coffee table. Only Jack. That was the moment in which he'd really stepped into her heart as her Dad. No judgment or asking her what she was thinking. Just accepting her for all her quirks and trying to accommodate her. The regrets she continued to carry about not being able to show him and her Mom that affection. Nothing you can do about it now darlin' but keep moving on. Jack's last words to her on a very broken phone line. The work roughened pad of Macs thumb against her cheek brought her back. The unexpected soft kiss to the top of her head sent shock waves thrumming through her veins. She finished her beer to steady herself. A contradiction. He'd done the same. They ambled back into the house. Mac stopping briefly into his room to put away the cuff. Riley took a moment to breathe. Pain and love mixing confusingly in her head.
They absolutely needed to talk but she wasn't sure where to begin. Things were so mixed up. Mac was staring at her in such an open way these days. Yes it had been six months since Mac and Desi broke up but it felt... off. Work was tension filled. Mac and Desi about managed to work together without any major catastrophes. In all honesty, there was some improvement to their working dynamic post breakup. However it wasn't like they hadn't been down this road before. They'd been together and broken up so many times that her hope was a mere flicker. A flicker of heat that she'd been trying to ignore. Keeping Mac as her family was more than enough. However, there was no mistaking the heat rising. The cooling night hair was a balm to her frayed edges. 'We need to talk.' His voice was just a little weightier than usual. The dark hum she'd occasionally overhear when he was talking to Desi or Nikki. She could almost see the lightning frissons dancing in the air around them. The laugh came uncontrollable from her belly. 'I was just thinking the same thing.' She admitted through her laughter. He eyed her, trying to gauge the reaction but simply opted to start the fire. Busying himself with the wood and lighter. Giving them both time to prepare for this conversation.
Riley curled up in her usual spot, staring out at the night sky. Mac sat sideways and waited patiently. 'Things have changed Mac.' Any attempts she made of rehearsing this scene in her head vanished in the moment she opened her mouth. 'Things are different here between up. Every day you look at me and it sends me back...' She trailed off, Murdocs laugh echoing, Mac's stunned face, his appearing at her door. Admitting he'd would have opened a door if she'd made it's existence known. The flatline that haunted her nightmares. 'We're not the same. It's only been six months since you and Desi broke up and... you wanted to marry her.' For the first time since she'd started speaking his eyes moved away to the fire. She'd only kept his face in her periphery. To say what needed to be said she needed to be on as much as even keel as she could get. And he could knock her off course with one look. 'It's too soon. For me and for you. I have spent so much time building that wall and box that I don't know if I can bring myself to take it down.' She swallowed. The thought that she'd tried to not think. Her greatest fear and greatest hope. 'If it didn't work out Mac. I think it would break me in a such a deep way not even you could fix it. Not with all the paper clips and gum in the world.' Tears slipped down her cheeks unchecked.
They sat listening to the crackling of the fire. Mac dragged a hand through his hair as he processed her world. 'You haunt me Riles.' Her eyes snapped to his. His voice was quiet and his other hand rested on his leg palm upturned as though waiting for hers. 'And long before shit went down. I've told you that I've always seen you. In truth I spent far too much time trying to not see some parts of you. The things about you that are beyond beautiful. Nothing I can explain.' His eyes seemed to see through to her soul. Basking in the things he tried not to see. 'The way you fight to the last for your family. Sacrificing yourself for you mom. Allowing yourself to love Jack again. The darkness in your past you refuse to shy away from. Your strength. The look you get when you think we're not noticing. So many things I can't even explain.' There was no one else in the world. It was just them. 'But you're right. I'm not at the point to open that door. Not in the way I so desperately want to.' His voice shook. 'As for Desi. I could give you a million reasons why it lasted so long and I don't know if any of them are the right answer. Until I have that answer for myself it's not fair to try this.' His held her hand as gently as he ever could. All she could feel was love in this moment. A love she'd never really experienced. Soulmates were not a thing she believed in but with Mac it didn't seem so impossible. 'But I need you to know that whenever we are both ready for it... I'm all in.' He lifted her head to look him in eyes. She could see it in his face. The promise of future full of love and potential for more than she'd ever thought she'd deserve. I love you. He didn't need to say it. But he wasn't done. 'When I died, I saw images and relieved moments with everyone, good bad and everything in-between. You, you were the centre of it all. I heard you call me back. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. That's why I know.' The urge to kiss him was near impossible. But she wouldn't allow it. They weren't ready. Instead she rested her forehead against his and rested her hand against his heart. They'd get there.