I DO NOT OWN HOUSE, M.D.

Bugged

It was a bright summer day in New Jersey and Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital was buzzing with activity—whether it be the clinic, the E.R., or other departments.

Gregory House came limping through the front doors, flame cane assisting him and blue backpack on his shoulder. He was sporting black sunglasses and his signature motorcycle jacket. He was on his way to the elevator when his boss, Lisa Cuddy, strolled towards him, looking angry. To say she was angry was an understatement. Not only was House late, as usual, but a call would've been nice. He stopped in his tracks when she was making her way towards him. "About time you showed up! It's 11:00! You were supposed to be here two hours ago!" She stopped in front of him.

"Well, I'm here right now... gracing you with my presence. So, you're just gonna have to get over it. Either that or give me the pleasure of having sex with you right now."

Cuddy didn't look too pleased. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to piss me off?"

"Cuddy, I don't have time for this. I have to get to my office. Now, if you'll excuse me." With that, he walked off.

"House!"

He walked to the elevators and pressed the button with his cane. When the one on the left came and opened, he got in and it closed when he pushed the button for his floor.

When House got to his floor, he got out and slowly limped down the hall to his office. He wasn't feeling good at all—he was achy and nauseous—but of course, he wasn't going to let anyone know. After all, he had a reputation to protect. If he showed any weakness to anyone, who knows what could happen. According to Gregory House, admitting any weaknesses meant you were inferior to everyone else... and he certainly didn't want that. He entered his office and set his backpack down in his desk chair. Taking his sunglasses off, he folded them up and set them on his desk. He then proceeded into the conference room, where he found his three ducklings—Allison Cameron, Robert Chase, and Eric Foreman. They were sitting at the table, each reading a copy of the current patient file.

"Good morning, kiddies. Don't worry, Daddy's here. No need to fret." They looked up when he walked in. "What do we got, people?"

Cameron spoke first. "38-year-old female. Collapsed in front of her second grade class and started seizing."

House twirled his cane in his fingers a few times. "Interesting." He hooked his cane on top of the whiteboard and picked up a marker. "Okay. Differential diagnosis." He wrote 'SEIZURE TEACHER' as the heading. "Go."

Foreman said, "Could be epilepsy."

Cameron replied, "There's no history of past seizures."

"Epilepsy can form at any time."

"Yes, it can... but as I said, there's no history of past seizures."

Chase said, "Could be a brain tumor. They can cause seizures"

Cameron looked through the file. "Complaints of dizziness, nausea and vomiting. She was treated for meningitis a couple months ago... and she has a history of migraines." She shook her head. "Not all the symptoms fit."

As Cameron read the symptoms off, House wrote them down on the board. He turned to Cameron. "Anything else?"

"Not that the file tells us. The patient would probably tell us, though."

"Great. Now we're getting somewhere." He carefully looked at the symptoms he wrote down. "Okay... so we got dizziness, nausea and vomiting, treated for meningitis a couple months ago, and history of migraines." He capped the marker and set it down. "All right. That should be enough to go by for now." He grabbed his cane and headed towards the door. "Go get some blood. Maybe it'll tell us something more." They gave him a quizzical look. "Well, chop, chop! Patient's not gonna get better with you just sitting around!" He then left.

They stood up and Cameron asked, "Is it me or is House grouchier than normal today?"

Foreman chuckled. "House grouchy? That's nothing new."

"Yeah, but he seems more so today. Something's not right."

"Maybe, but we have a patient right now. We can worry about him later. Besides, if something were wrong with House, Cuddy or Wilson would be on it." Cameron couldn't hide her worry, though.

Meanwhile, House made the trek to James Wilson's office and just barged in. That's his daily routine. He makes it his mission to annoy Wilson and he loves it. Wilson looked up from his paperwork. "Um... come in?" Wilson wouldn't admit it, but he secretly loves it when House annoys him. Other than being best friends, they're also like brothers.

"You–" House lifted his cane and pointed it towards Wilson. "–gave me your stomach bug." He walked over and plopped down on the couch.

"Okaaay. Enlighten me."

"You had it last week, and now I have it."

"That's ridiculous. I did not give you my stomach bug."

"Really? Because I feel like crap."

"You probably just over ate or something." Wilson tried returning to his paperwork.

"Wilson, I'm serious."

He looked back up. "I'm serious too, House. Seriously busy with work. Now, please leave." He gestured towards the door.

House stood up and placed himself in front of Wilson's desk. "What? Do you need proof? I'm not kidding, Wilson. I feel like crap."

Wilson dropped his pen. "Okay, House. Okay. I'll play your game."

"No game, Wilson. Like I said, you gave me your bug."

"All right. What are your symptoms?"

"Fever, aches, chills, nausea, diarrhea, oh... and stomach cramps. Feels like my intestines are being tied together in one big knot."

"When did this start?"

"Last night."

Wilson had a puzzled look on his face. "I was with you last night. You didn't say anything."

"Because this happened after you left. Couldn't sleep all night. I feel like absolute crap. You should know. You had it." House's face morphed into his "puzzle solving" look. "When exactly did you have it?"

Wilson shook his head. "I don't know, House. Sometime last week. Look, all I know is–"

"All I know is that you came to work with it. I remember because you kept complaining to me that you felt like shit."

Wilson realized something. "When we had our lunch the other day. I must've passed it along when we shared my fries."

"Uh, duh! You think?" House started pacing.

"Okay. That's expected. Look, go to your office and wait for me. Give me ten minutes and then we'll go down to the clinic. I'll check you out over there."

"Clinic? I don't know if you know this, Wilson, but I don't like working there. I get enough of it as it is. Why would I want to go there for an examination?"

"It's just a simple examination, House."

"Are you trying to torture me?"

Wilson sighed. "House, please."

"Fine." He pointed the end of his cane in Wilson's face. "If you try to grope me, though, I'll consider you my boyfriend."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "I'll try to resist."

"Good. Now we're getting somewhere." House opened the door and left.

"Will you at least–" Too late. House was gone. "–close the door?" Wilson sighed and hung his head.

As he was making his way back to his own office, the team caught up with him. "Oh, goody. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Cameron said, "Patient's refusing to give a blood sample."

House stopped and turned towards her. "Really? Wow. If only there was something you could do for that. Hmm... Let me think." He put a hand on his chin in pretend thought. "Oh, I know!" He put his hand down. "Tell her that without a blood sample, we can't properly diagnose her!"

"We did. She still said no."

"Okay. Well, there are other ways to get her blood. Either sedate her or pin her down to get it. I don't care. Just do it." With that, he turned around and trekked back to his office.

"We should talk to Wilson. Ask him what's up with House."

Foreman said, "We should deal with our patient. She's our responsibility. House isn't. Like I said before: let Wilson and Cuddy deal with him. We've got more important things to do. Come on." Cameron sighed and reluctantly followed Foreman and Chase to the elevator.

About 15 minutes later, Wilson was still in his office sorting through paperwork. He was looking over files that included clinical trials for some of his patients. Sighing, he looked at his watch. "Crap!" He jumped up from his chair and left his office.

House was sitting in his office chair, throwing his big tennis ball against the wall. He saw Wilson come running down the hall and burst into his office. "Jesus, Wilson! Where's the fire?"

Wilson placed his hands on his hips. "Sorry to interrupt... but we're both supposed to be in the clinic right now."

House tossed the ball in the air a couple times. "Yeeeaaah. Here's the thing, though: I'm sick and can't do it." He placed the ball back on the desk.

"Yes. Sick with a simple stomachache, not the plague."

"How do you knowit's not the plague?"

"Because you told me it was a stomachache." Wilson sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, if you're trying to mess with me, House, I don't have time for it. I have an actual job to do. If you're actually sick, just– let me check you out in the clinic. I'm supposed to be there anyway. And it won't actually kill you to be down there."

"How do you know?"

"House–" said Wilson in a warning tone.

"Ohhh. Did I upset the little oncologist?" Wilson just gave him an icy glare that said 'Don't test me'. House finally gave in. "Okay, fine. You win. I'll go..." He stood up. "…but I won't be happy about it." Wilson gave a satisfied smile. House grabbed his cane and limped over to his friend. "Wipe that smile off your face." They then left his office "I'm only doing this to appease you and to get you to stop annoying me."

"Says the guy who came in my office saying that he's sick and annoying me."

"Shut up." House punched the button to the elevator and the right one opened. They got in and it closed when he pushed a button.

When it opened in the lobby, they got out. As they were walking, House said, "I hate going to the clinic."

"Well, suck it up." Wilson opened a door to the clinic, and they walked in. They went up to the desk and checked in. "James Wilson and Gregory House check in at–" He looked at his watch. "1:20 p.m." He signed the sheet for both of them and turned towards his friend. "Okay, House. We're all set. Go wait in exam room one." Wilson turned around and started towards Cuddy's office.

"Woah. Where are you going?"

"Little detour. Be right back. Just go wait in exam room one." House was left puzzled and curious, but reluctantly did what he was told.

Wilson opened the doors to Cuddy's office and walked right in. Cuddy looked up. "Hey, Wilson. Look, I'm very busy. What do you need?"

"I was wondering if you could please go easy on House today?"

She sighed. "What's he done now?"

"Nothing. He's just sick."

"He looked fine when I saw him this morning."

"He has a stomach bug. The one I had last week."

"Well, it has been going around. Besides you, two other doctors had it last week."

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm checking him out in the clinic."

"All right then. I'm assuming you're gonna be taking him home?"

Wilson nodded. "You're good."

Cuddy smirked. "I know you two very well."

"If he needs me, I probably won't be back today. If he doesn't need me–"

"You'll stay anyway."

"Uh... yes."

"Ah, see? I told you I knew you."

Wilson blushed and nodded. "Okay then." He turned around and left Cuddy's office. She smiled and shook her head before going back to her work.

After that was done and taken care of, he made his way towards the exam room. When he entered the room, House was sitting on the examination table and twirling his cane with his fingers. "So... did you have a good talk with Cuddy?"

"How'd you–?"

He stopped the twirling. "Please, Wilson. I'm not an idiot."

"Right. Well, let's get started, shall we?"

"Fine." He put his cane down on the table. "Do as you wish. But remember: no groping."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "And like I told you before: I'll try to resist." He put his stethoscope in his ears. "Okay..." The other end was placed on House's chest. "Breathe please." House breathed in and breathed out. "Again." He repeated the action.

"Wilson, it's a stomachache. It's not in my chest."

"Yeah, well... I'm just being cautious." Wilson slung the stethoscope around his neck. "Okay. Take off your jacket and shirt."

"What part of 'no groping' don't you understand?"

Wilson just glared at him. "House."

"Fine. I'll cooperate." He took his navy blue jacket off and undid his blue button down. Once off, he set the clothes behind him. "Let's just get this over with."

"Okay." With a gentle touch, Wilson put a hand on both sides of House's abdomen. He started at the waist, carefully probing with his fingers, and worked his way up to the ribcage.

"Uh, Wilson? What is it that you're actually looking for?"

While feeling House's ribcage, he said, "Nothing specific. Just checking."

"Well, if you just wanted to get me shirtless, all you had to do was ask."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Fine. I wanted to get you shirtless. Happy?"

House smirked. "I knew it."

Wilson shook his head. "All right. Now, I'm just gonna palpate your stomach." He put his left hand on House's back while his right one palpated House's stomach. "Okay. I'm feeling a little firmness, but not really anything to worry about."

"Is this exam really necessary?"

"Yes. You're sick. Now shut up and open." He stuck a thermometer in House's mouth and waited for it to beep. "Just be glad it was just your top half." House didn't look appreciative, though. The thermometer beeped and Wilson took it out, looking at it. "102.3." He set the thermometer down on the counter.

"Oh, good. Does that mean I get to go home, and stop being examined?"

"Yes. And I'm just gonna take a shot here, but do you want me to stay with you?"

"Do I look like I want you to stay with me?"

"No... but knowing you, you'd probably overdose on Vicodin or some other medication... and I'd have to clean up the mess. So, yeah. I'll be staying with you."

"Fine. Do whatever you want." He grabbed his clothes and put them on. Hopping down from the table, he said. "You just wanna have sex with me. That's why you're actually staying with me, isn't it?" House smirked when he added, "Well, I can't blame you. After all, I am good."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Yes. Me staying with you is about sex. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're sick."

"Hey... you said it, not me." Wilson shook his head in amusement before opening the door and exiting with his friend.

"Don't worry about Cuddy. I already told her we're leaving."

While he was signing the sheet for both of them to leave, House said, "Whoa. How'd you manage to get to leave too?"

"Simple." Wilson looked at House. "I told her you were sick and needed me."

House smiled at him. "You manipulative bastard."

"Well, it's the truth."

"Still... manipulative. I'm proud of you."

"Whatever. Let's just go home."

"Now you're talking."

Wilson rolled his eyes. Before they both left the clinic, Wilson realized something. "Whoops. Almost forgot." He turned in the direction of Cuddy's office again.

"Come on, Wilson. We were almost home free." House gestured towards the door with his arm.

"Just wait right here, House. I'll be right out."

House let out a frustrated sigh. "Well, hurry up."

Wilson opened the door to Cuddy's office and popped his head in. "I forgot something."

Cuddy figured out what it was and smirked. "Don't worry. I'll have your patients taken care of, Mr. Worry Wart."

He sighed in relief. "Thank you." He left and closed the door. House was standing by the desk, looking impatient. "Okay. Now we can go."

The two friends left the clinic. "Let me guess: had to make sure your precious patients were taken care of, right?"

"Yes, actually."

"Wilson, you are such a mother hen."

"Well, excuse me for actually caring about my patients." House rolled his eyes. "We'll collect our things from our offices and then be on our way."

"Fine."

The elevator opened and they both got in. "You know, I have really got to teach you my methods and attitudes. It's much more invigorating."

"Whatever you say, House."

When they got to their floor, they got out and went to their offices. House entered his office and gathered up his usual things—Gameboy, iPod, and a few medical journals. After doing that, he slung his backpack over his shoulder. He then entered the conference room and said, "Sorry to disappoint you kids, but Daddy's going home. He doesn't feel well."

Cameron asked, "But what about our patient?"

"Blah, blah, blah. You all seem to know what you're doing... so go ahead and do it. Call me if the patient lives or dies. It could go either way... but it'd be funnier to mock you if this went south. Try not to let it get that way, though." With that, he left, and the team was speechless as to what just happened.

He walked down the hall to Wilson's office where Wilson was locking the door. When done, he turned to House and asked, "Ready to go?"

"Duh! I wanna get out of here as soon as possible. I don't even like being here when I'm supposed to be."

Wilson rolled his eyes. "Right. I forgot that you don't like doing your job."

House smirked. "You so get me." Wilson shook his head. "Now let's go before my team spots us and gets the wrong idea."

As they were walking towards the elevators, Wilson said, "We wouldn't want that, would we?"

They entered the left one when it opened and House said, "And again, you so get me."

Wilson shook his head again. "Whatever you say, House. Whatever you say."

When the elevator opened in the lobby, the two doctors exited and made their way across the lobby. They both pushed open the main doors and left the hospital.