Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson, Buzzfeed Unsolved, or even the story idea (I got it from The_German_Grim_Reaper on ao3)
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"This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we uncover the mysterious disappearances of Percy- full name Perseus- Jackson".
Ryan: This is gonna be a good one
Shaun: How? Kid goes missing, he comes back. Seems pretty normal to me.
Ryan: Oh there's a lot more to it than that…
"Percy had a known history of reporting weird sightings that no one else had seen, and had been kicked out of multiple schools due to extraordinary circumstances, such as the time he blew up his school bus with a medieval Canon-"
Shaun: (wheeze) so- so- he fucking blew up his school bus?
Ryan: with a cannon
Shaun: with a (wheeze) with a FUCKING CANNON?? How does a young kid even know how to use one of these? WHY WAS IT EVEN LOADED?!
"A few years later, days after reporting seeing a one eyed man at his school, he pulls the wrong lever on a catwalk, sending his class into a shark tank. Eyewitness reports say he spoke to the sharks to keep them away"
Shaun: nope that's it. I'm done.
Ryan: you're done?
Shaun: yep! Poor kid. Those catwalk levers are so complicated- there's so many!
Ryan: but yet somehow he pulled the one lever that would-
Shaun: accidentally! I'm on the kids side here. And then they all think he's a fucking shark whisperer?
Ryan: pretty much yeah, what about the one eyed man though- pretty weird huh?
Shaun: kids see all kinds of things- he was probably just playing with a freind! Or doing a dare- you know- kid stuff.
Ryan: kid stuff- yeah
"Even to the point where as a toddler, 2 snakes slithered into his cot, and he strangled them to death".
Shaun: how do we know it was him?
Ryan: who would kill a snake and give it to a fucking baby?
Shaun: good point.
"At the age of 12, he first disappeared, after reporting that his teacher Mrs Dodds had turned into a vampire-like Creature and attacked him. It was only with the help of a magical sword, given to him by Mr Bruner, that he managed to kill her- what's more, Yancy Academy has no records of a Mrs Dodds ever teaching at the school, and the other field trip teacher, Mrs Kerr, was unknown to Jackson".
Shaun: what kind of magic mushroom bullshit is this? VAMPIRES aren't real.
Ryan: What if it wasn't a vampire huh?
Shaun: Still doesn't matter! Not real! Case closed!
Ryan: what about the teachers then huh? Teachers don't magically swap over like that.
Shaun: you said the kids been to a whole bunch of schools, so maybe he just got his teachers mixed up. I wouldn't blame him.
Ryan: you sound like you talk from experience, but that's a big maybe
Shaun: wha- I-
"Afterwards, he pulled a girl into a fountain- although some claim he pushed her. Months later, he goes to Montauk on holiday with his mother Sally Jackson, DNA evidence shows they arrived at the cabin, however they left soon after in his Stepfathers car, apparently in a hurry. Half way to there destination- the car is struck by lightning, specifically hitting Perseus".
Shaun: he got hit by fucking lightning?
Ryan: yeah freaky isn't it?
Shaun: I hate to break it to you Ryan, but lightning occurs naturally…
Ryan: (wheeze)
"-what's more, they car was found hundreds of meters from where the lightning struck, with 2 large handprints in the side, as if it had been tossed aside by a large being- and multiple traces of both Goat and Bull hair where found around the car"
Shaun: Tossed aside? (wheeze) so some big hairy guy- goes to a car that got hit by lighting- and "I know I'll just throw this over there!"
Ryan: that'll fix things
Shaun: Dude needs to enter some lifting competitions
Ryan: (wheeze) that's all you're concerned about? What about the goat hair?
Shaun: so what? I'm sure like cat hair it just gets everywhere-
Ryan: they lived in the middle of New York City…
Shaun: I'm telling you- gets everywhere!
"Later, traces of blood from the 2 Jackson's, and an unknown person were found leading towards a huge pine tree, before they disappeared with no trace. Over a week later, Jackson and an unknown boy and girl, were the subject of a nationwide manhunt. The mother was missing for weeks- and the stepfather- Gabe Ugliano, whom was rumoured to have been abusive, gave a statement, pinning the mothers apparent kidnapping on the young boy-"
Shaun: Dudes a dick!
Ryan: yeah, wait till you see what happens to him
Shaun: Oh I can't wait!
Ryan: (shudders)
"The trio were seen all over the country, first, after harassing a 3 of ladies on a bus, one of which was referred to as Mrs Dodds. Percy was seen to attack the bus driver, before causing the bus to crash- and later explode."
Shaun: More car destruction! I hope that kid never gets a license for his own sake!
Ryan: (wheeze) I-
Shaun: BOOM. What was that? Oh sorry I got too close to a car again.
Ryan: (wheeze) I- (wheeze) What about the Mrs Dodds thing? Suspicious right?
Shaun: There are plenty of people with the same last name! What's more? The first one didn't exist! Poor kid.
Ryan: he harassed an old lady!
Shaun: we don't know the half of it- this kid could be saving the world by doing so for all I know or care!
"The trio were also present at the top of the Saint Louis Arch before its explosion in 2005- Perseus left the seen quickly, however, CCTV shows that he did not take the elevator or stairs- theories say he jumped-"
Shaun: ok, ok, stop stop (wheeze) what is it with this kid and blowing stuff up?
Ryan: not bad luck
Shaun: but how does a kid get explosives past all the security- AND HOW DO YOU SURVIVE JUMPING OUT A 200M TALL ARCH??
"Later, a Waitress in a Diner reported seeing the three kids meeting up with a biker- described as pure evil, with fire burning in his eyes, later Jackson got into a gunfight with said man. The biker was never found."
Shaun: wait- I remember this in the news- didn't some crazy people think it was a sword?
Ryan: yeah, but what happened to the biker? His body was never found.
Shaun: and I hope it isn't- makes it easier for the kid.
"All police records of the boy were dropped, he returned home to his mother- who was found at home safe and unharmed. The stepfather later disappeared, and the mother Sally, sold her first- and only- piece of sculpture. Labelled "Poker Man" it showed a figure- with striking resemblance to her ex husband playing poker at a table".
Shaun: YES! Fuckward got what he deserved.
Ryan: fuckward? And you believe this- wow?
Shaun: Because I want to- dude deserves to be a statue-
Ryan: She fucking SOLD him.
Shaun: hey they got some money out of it too- I hope they put it all on red and had a whale of a time.
Ryan: (wheeze)
"In 2006, the Jackson kid went missing for weeks at a time- in both the summer and winter, and was never reported missing by the mother. He was seen all across the country, from Long Island sound- where he was struck by lightning- and later at Mount Tam in California. In 2007, he went missing for 2 weeks after the Mount Saint Helens eruption- rumoured to have been in the Volcano at the time of eruption. What's more- he had traveled there in a time so short, that even a plane wouldn't have been able to reach there in time."
Shaun: damn that's fast.
Ryan: he got blown up by a fucking volcano!
Shaun: reportedly! People don't survive these things Ryan!
Ryan: this is no ordinary person though
Shaun: HE IS NOT AN ALIEN!
"Not only that, but he has many weird relations with multiple celebrities, such as the McLean family and the Dare Family. In August 2016, he was one of the people victim to the Manhattan Gas leak, however, the drowsy after effect did not affect him. He also was present in Goode High Schools band room when it exploded. Less than 2 months later, he was reported missing for 6 months, before reappearing for a day in California, before heading up to Alaska. He was on the glacier when it collapsed.
Shaun: he has some really bad luck.
Ryan: it can't be a coincidence though-
Shaun: for once, I agree with you
"For the next few months, he was spotted all across Europe, however, records show he never boarded a plane, or any commercial transport. He was in Rome when the sinkhole opened, and he was in Athens when the 2014 earthquake struck, before arriving back at Long Island Sound a day later".
Ryan: So it appears he has some form of quick travel, almost like a superpower
Shaun: Probably just got fed up with New York Traffic!
Ryan: (wheeze) like- like Anti-Traffic Man?
Shaun: You got me hooked with that one.
Ryan: this is just another Umbrella Man right?
Shaun: UMBRELLA MANS SIDEKICK!
"He travelled around the country a bit more after this, but mostly settled down. Eyewitness reports say he often went for a swim in the river Hudson, and even saved multiple people from muggings".
Shaun: Did he blow up another car though?
Ryan: yeah actually, his new step-fathers Prius, and he enrolled at the step-fathers school, where he has remained for 2 years, now in his senior year.
Shaun: yet to have been kicked out! Finally things pick up for young Perseus!
Ryan: (wheeze)
"Now with that settled, let's get into the theories. Some people believe that the events of Perseus' life are mere coincidences, and that people blow things out of proportion as if they are part of the Peter Johnson books- which his story actually mirrors rather well".
Shaun: I love the Peter Johnson books! Rick Riordan is a great writer!
Ryan: weren't they about a kid who was the son of Neptune or something? And lived in Ancient Rome.
Shaun: yeah pretty much! But there are too many things for there to be coincidences.
"Theory 2 is that Jackson is part of a Demonic Cult, that takes in children that are often considered to be missing, such as Magnus Chase or the Kane Twins".
Shaun: A Demonic Cult?
Ryan: It would explain the goat and bull hair, along with the unknown blood.
Shaun: I prefer the Anti-Traffic man theory
Ryan: (wheeze) you made that up!
"The third and final theory is that Jackson is a mutant, with certain powers such as super speed, electrokinesis and the ability to breathe underwater".
Shaun: Anti-Traffic Man!
Ryan: So you believe this one.
Shaun: Of course not! Mutants don't exist!
Ryan: How do we know?
Shaun: we don't know, that's the thing. There's a reason for the name of this show.
Ryan: (wheeze) Well anyway, here are the theories surrounding Perseus Jackson, but until he himself reveals the truth, the Mystery Remains Unsolved.
I——————————————————
Part 2? Maybe with some Mortals references in the books? I'm thinking Matt Sloane or Nancy Bobfit. Let me know in the comments :)