Read The Name, Bitch! (Shallow Bond, My Flat Ass!)

by Yuna Yami Mouto

Fyodor doesn't know it. Chuuya doesn't know it. Mori doesn't know it. Not even Ranpo knows it. No one does. No one knows that No Longer Human isn't the only power that resides within the man called Dazai Osamu.

Read The Name, Bitch! ("Shallow Bond", My Flat Ass!)

Summary: Fyodor doesn't know it. Chuuya doesn't know it. Mori doesn't know it. Not even Ranpo knows it. No one does. No one knows that No Longer Human isn't the only power that resides within the man called Dazai Osamu.

A/N: Hello Soukoku nation and BSD nation all out! We still coping with chapter 109? Aight! Here's my take on 'Dazai lives because of course he does', combined with a trope I've been thinking of implementing in one of my stories, anyways. So! This is all very rushed, I wrote it in a couple of hours, so if it sucks, it's probably because it does 'XD

Hope you enjoy!

Dazai Osamu, former Port Mafia Executive, youngest to ever get the title, currently imprisoned member of the Armed Detective Agency, has survived many strange and deadly events in his life. Gang shootings, fairly overpowered Ability users, various deadly wounds from battles deemed by everyone else as suicide missions, torture, drug and poison training, training his own heart to stop at his whim, drowning in heavy water with fire burning the oxygen overhead, a falling elevator and even his own hand.

But the moment his (former) partner, the vampirised Nakahara Chuuya, pulls the trigger point blank against his forehead, wit, luck, fate, miracles, whatever you want to call it, they abandoned Dazai and the former Demon Prodigy died with a small, ironically peaceful smile on his face.

Fyodor Dostoevsky won their little game in Meursault prison that Nikolai Gogol had set up. Chuuya was still under his control, a huge number of guards were killed, Sigma was out of commission. All he had to do now was get to the exit before the thirty minutes run out to get the antidote from Gogol for the poison in his veins and he can join Fukuchi to finish their plan. With Chuuya and Nikolai at his side, there was nothing and no one that could stand in his way.

So he ordered the frozen vampire Chuuya to meet up with him and left the surveillance room after one final look at his rival's bloodied, broken body, a final respect to his only equal in the world.

'I'll cleanse this sinful world with you in memory, Dazai-kun.'

00000

Minutes later, Koda Aya's bizarre plan worked, the Holy Sword was yanked out of Bram Stoker's body, allowing the vampire to regain agency over his own self, and his own Ability. He could not cancel it out right away, as it restored his body, but as soon as his life was secured from being separated from the object that has been literally invading his brain for far too long, Bram released the control aspect of his Ability, allowing all those affected by it to come back to their senses. He sent a message, all over the world, of Fukuchi's plan through his bond with his 'subjects'.

Every member of the port Mafia affected by the Ability immediately stormed the airport where Fukuchi had used One Order to start a war. Atsushi barely got a moment to heal from the wounds vampire!Akutagawa caused him before his partner, now himself again, even if he still had fangs, dragged him away so they can lead the charge against Fukuchi.

In a special prison for Ability users, the gravity manipulator finally fully came back to his senses, one hallway away from meeting Fyodor, and the memories of what he'd done crashed into him like a tidal wave. Chuuya had not felt a rage like this since he'd found the Flags dead. Never before had his sorrow been as tainted by hatred for a single human being as he realized he'd been forced to kill his partner, the one too many people have referred to as his other half, as a part of his soul. Dazai was gone and it was done by his hand yet not his consent.

More than ever, more than any being possible ever could, Nakahara Chuuya - former human lab rat, former King of the Sheep and King of the Jewels, once a Flag, Port Mafia Executive, shorter half of Soukoku, vessel to the singularity dubbed as Arahabaki the god of calamity and chaos - desired vengeance, desired bloodshed, desired calamity.

'Leave it to me, partner. I'll avenge you.'

00000

While Chuuya was off to reign chaos and destruction over his enemies, Fukuchi was celebrating his disgusting victory march to a catastrophic war, all of Yokohama's Ability users including Bram scrambled to stop him and Fyodor was celebrating his victory over the only one who could possibly stop him, an unusual thing was happening in an abandoned hallway of Meursault.

First, a blinding silver light enveloped the plain, blank hallways of the prison. Then, it receded, forming kanji ストレイドッグス that floated in the air, did a little twirl before settling on the lone figure occupying the long hallway. The flashed brighter than a supernova for a total of twenty two seconds, before that impossible silver light faded, leaving behind only the artificial lighting of Mersault in its wake.

Then, a bullet hit a thigh clothed in white, bouncing off, down to the floor and rolling away, leaving a small trail of blood behind. It stopped within reaching distance of an injured, bloodied hand.

The long, deft fingers of that hand twitched, thumb and pointer finger grasping the yellowish metal of the bullet, rolling it in between.

A huff broke the deafening silence.

Dazai Osamu let out a pained laugh as his bones rearranged themselves under his skin now that they've been healed, shoulders stitching themselves back together. Too soon, a pretty glacial blue light filled the space, stopping further effects of the silver kanji. They dissipated in the presence of the new, bluish-white characters as No Longer Human nullified the effects of any Ability of its user.

"Maa, maa, that was a pain," Daza groaned, thankful that, at least, his busted legs and broken ribs were even partially healed from the elevator crash he'd survived. Another relief he found was the lack of burning in his veins; the poison had been siphoned out, either by his body's resistance to foreign substances after years of training it to such a state, or by his miraculous recovery. He was far from a painless state, which was a bummer, but had he been anyone else, he would have been dead.

Hell, he had been dead. He just hadn't stay it.

Just like a couple of months ago, when Shibusawa Tatsuhiko killed him to extract No Longer Human from his soul.

Dazai couldn't help but find it funny. It was hilarious, even! He could forgive the others for not noticing or questioning it, but not his fellow demon genius. Dostoevsky had seen him get stabbed, had seen No Longer Human leave his body, crystallize and then get absorbed by the forming singularity over their heads. Yet he had only been amused by Dazai's 'stubbornness' to see Yokohama burn 'even in death' when his body was also absorbed into the dragon-shaped singularity.

Dazai was dead, nothing more than a corpse. He shouldn't have registered as an Ability user to the Ability that gathers all nearby Gifted. Yet he'd been dragged into the dragon's very heart, where Chuuya had to save him from. Where he had been miraculously alive to save Chuuya from Corruption yet again.

No one questioned it. Not demon Fyodor, not Chuuya, not Ango, not Mori, not any of his colleagues or allies. They just accepted he was alive and were glad for it. They didn't question how.

How very un-detective-like of them.

Had they investigated, they would have learned Dazai's absolutely best kept secret.

He's not sure if there was a time before it.

He remembers perfectly well that he's had No Longer Human before he could retain long term memories; of that, he has no doubt. He thinks he's been born with No Longer Human active. He thinks he may even have some proof, in the actions and reactions of his now long-forgotten, good for nothing family.

However, the same could not be said for it.

One day, he just woke up, aware of its presence.

For you see, he has a really big, really important secret. Fyodor doesn't know it. Chuuya doesn't know it. Mori doesn't know it. Not even Ranpo knows it. No one does. No one knows that No Longer Human isn't the only power that resides within the man called Dazai Osamu.

It's not an Ability, not the way No Longer Human is.

Rather ... Well, the easiest way to say it is that it's the Book. The one that everyone's looking for. The indestructible self-written novel that changes reality itself.

From a point in time unknown even to Dazai, for a reason he can't even guess at and through a method not even he could explain, given his Ability's properties, the Book has somehow merged with his body.

And Dazai Osamu has not been able to die since.

No method worked, but his own hand. And even then, it was just a matter of time before No Longer Human was not able to hold off the Book's own power anymore and its new vessel - AKA Dazai's body - was restored to enough health that they were no longer in mortal danger anymore. Which is when No Longer Human would surge back to the forefront and stop the Book from messing with Dazai's body further, which was both a blessing and a curse.

Dazai does not remember when the Book chose to become a part of him, but there definitely was a time before it. He's nearly died twice before he woke up with an awearence of its presence within him. It is a nuisance for someone who is suicidal, as he has a feeling it will only allow him to perish from old age or something similar, as it still allows him to age normally. Hopefully that's a trend that continues; Dazai does not want to be immortal.

But that's hardly the real issue right now. No, he had to get his - admittedly flat - ass up and hunt down Chuuya before that anemic Russian rat could make him do something else distasteful which will no doubt leave Chuuya stupidly questioning his own humanity and drown him in self-loathing. Damn, does Dazai love how strongly Chuuya feels just everything, but he hates it, also, because Chuuya feels self-hate, guilt, sorrow and remorse just as strongly. If he were to wake up from the vampirism to Dazai's blood on his hands, he'll definitely lose it worse than when the Flags died or when Shibusawa killed his six friends during the Dragon Head conflict.

Thankfully, his feet are mostly steady under him, though he also feels slightly dizzy from blood-loss. Not the most ideal conditions to work in, but Dazai's hardly Kunikida; he's worked in much worse. Hell, he'd parkoured over a huge field of destruction and flying debris to stop Corruption, once, while he had a leg broken, three cracked ribs, a concussion, three bullets lodged into his side and a knife in his shoulder. Mori had not been amused by having to treat all that since he could hardly let some other, supposedly less competent doctor treat his precious Demon Prodigy. So, really, a bit of blood-loss and not fully stitched back up bullet wounds were hardly going to stop Dazai from going towards the exit and saving Chuuya either from immense emotional turmoil and torture or from being Dostoevsky's slave for the rest of his possibly immortal life.

He made a note not to leave without Sigma. He'd definitely done his part and yet Dazai had yet to fulfill his part of the deal of getting him out of this prison. And Dazai doesn't lie during deals or negotiations.

'Still, Chuuya first. Then Sigma and then whatever the fuck is going on in Yokohama.'

00000

"It seems I've won our little game, Nikolai," Fyodor said upon making his way to the exit/entrance to the prison, littered with the bodies of the guards Nikolai and Chuuya have killed upon entering Meursault. "I've won fair and square. Now, give me the antidote."

Nikolai seemed both happy and sad that his 'dear friend' had survived. Still, he skipped over to the black haired man, did a dozen super-fast twirls before bowing, taking off his hat and, like a magician, pulling out the little life-saving bottle and a syringe. "Congratulations on your victory, Dos-kun~! Too bad for Dazai-kun, he was fun. It's such a shame he had to die, but oh well! At least you're alive for me to kill you some other day," he said, batting his eyelashes and smiling like he wasn't an unapologetic murderer.

"The same could be said for you two circus dropouts," a new voice growled and the two men in white whirled around to face a red-glowing ginger with a fedora. He still had elongated fangs, but his eyes were back to normal and he was clearly in control of his own actions. The murderous blood-lust radiating off of him easily beat any hunger for blood his mindless vampire counterpart had displayed.

"Chuuya-kun, welcome back," Dostoevsky says, straightening into a more alert position, knowing damn well this was not going to end well. Nikolai did not take his sights off of the shorter man radiating so much power, it was becoming suffocating. "It would seem Stoker's Ability has been lifted. Or rather, it seems the boss has lost control over Stoker. How unfortunate, just when things were going so smoothly."

"Shut the fuck up, rat shit," Chuuya growled, making himself heavier, creating a small crater around himself. Gravity was humming as he bent it to his control, the all-encompassing natural force at his beck and call, ready to lash out with a flick of his wrist. "Ya know, whenever I envisioned us eventually taking you down, I always thought it would be via Corruption," he admitted, reaching up to his gloves. Instead of taking them off, though, he pulled them more firmly over his hands, tilting his head down so the brim of his hat would shadow his eyes. Like hell would he allow these bastards to see the tears that stubbornly clung to his eyelashes no matter how much rage seethed in every micrometer of his being, his soul. The anguish of what was lost matched it and the only reason he wasn't curling up on himself and just staying like that until he dies is the knowledge that Dazai deserves to be avenged. He'd died in pain and out of his own control, something Chuuya knew his partner hated, and so Chuuya would make Fyodor's life a living hell in his last moments on this earth. "The thing is, I want to enjoy tearing you apart limb from limb. I want to see the helplessness in your eyes as you realize you can't escape vicious gravity. I want to crush you until not even the atoms of your being remain. You too, discount Shibusawa."

Nikolai gasped, offended. "Rude! I'm much better than that jewel obsessed freak!"

Fyodor ignored the white haired man at his side, smirking at Chuuya instead. "Oh? Did you not want to kill Dazai-kun with your own hands? Did I not grant you your wish?"

"Shut the hell up, sewer resident number one! Don't act like you know shit about me! About us!"

"But there is no more us, is there, Chuuya-kun? After all, Dazai-kun is dead. By your hand. And you're not even willing to follow after him. It was a taunt at the time, but perhaps I really was right: you two really had such a shallow bon-"

A bang is heard from behind Chuuya, sharp and sudden. Then Fyodor is crying out in pain as his uninjured shoulder is hit, causing him to fall back against the wall behind him, sliding down and leaving a trail of blood in his wake. He gasped in sharp, pained breaths, eyes wide and unfocused, as he wildly looked behind Chuuya to see his assailant. He grew completely deaf to Gogol's worried "Dos-kun!", instead staring with wide, terrified, utterly befuddled eyes, as though he'd seen a ghost.

Chuuya and Nikolai whirled around, too, especially at seeing the Russian genius in such a scared, shocked state, only to freeze, too.

Because there was Dazai, looking much better and far more alive than the last time anyone had seen him, holding some dead guard's gun and still steadily pointing it at Dostoevsky. It was clear he was still injured and the blood splatters on his body matched the wounds he had gotten since the start of this 'game', but he was undoubtedly alive when he should have had a bullet lodged into his skull, destroying his brain matter into an unfixable mush.

"Shallow bond, my flat ass!" He hissed, eyes red as a Blood Moon and glinting as much ominous energy as one did. With all that blood clinging to his skin, painting his clothes and matted into his usually fluffy, curly brunet locks, he fit more his original moniker of the Port Mafia's wraith rather than the Demon Prodigy, especially given his last confirmed status.

"D-Dazai?" Chuuya stuttered out, not quite believing his eyes. Not when it could be an illusion, a strategy made by Fyodor to take him out by using his emotional turmoil against him.

"Hey, chibi~ Finally awake, I see," Dazai chirped, taking his eyes off of the Russians only momentarily to smile at his partner. Gogol used this opportunity to take out a gun and try to shoot back, but Dazai adjusted his gun just a bit so he aimed perfectly at Gogol's hand. Not a second later, Nikolai yelped as the bullet not only knocked the gun out of his hold, but mercilessly hit his fingers, intentionally so, at that, so he can't properly wield a gun with his dominant hand. "Come over here so I can get rid of that vampirism Ability; you're a dog, not a bat!"

"How do I know it's not some sort of trick?" The mafioso challenged, eyes narrowing on the brunet.

Dazai rolled his eyes. "As if anyone could really hurt you as long as they don't go for your 'blind spot' when you don't expect it."

Seeing as the other had a point, Chuuya increased his body's mass and density to the max as he stomped over to Dazai. The bandaged man offered up a hand and while he expected Chuuya to just reach out with his to see whether it would really nullify For The Tainted Sorrow, Chuuya surprised everyone by coming right up to the proffered palm and, hesitating only for a second as though he feared it was an illusion that will be gone with a single touch and Dazai would still be dead, leaned his head into it, so that his cheek was resting on it the way Dazai's held him when he'd saved him from the dragon.

No Longer Human lit up even as Dazai gawked at the ginger, for once truly, completely, utterly, irrevocably, undeniably, unquestionably surprised and the red glow of For The Tainted Sorrow disappeared without Chuuya's say so.

There was no doubt now.

It was indeed Dazai Osamu. Living, breathing, No-Longer-Human-bearing Dazai Osamu.

Chuuya let out a single strangled sob, furrowing his cheek more into that familiar, bandaged hand, nuzzling it almost reverently for its warmth and the cooling relief it provided.

"How?" Fyodor demanded through grit teeth, having seen all the proof he needed that it was, indeed, Dazai. As though those eyes could ever lie. No other eyes in the world resembled depthless pools of blood and darkness as much as Dazai's did. "How!? He shot you in the head! Point blank! A three year old could not have messed up killing you!"

"No need to slander Sigma," Dazai tsked.

"Tell me!"

"Jeeze, what got your panties in a twist?" Chuuya, who was still nuzzling Dazai's hand like a shameless, territorial cat, twisted just enough to glare at Fyodor without ever losing skin contact.

"He doesn't have any. He wears ugly grandpa long-johns. What? I was in a cell right across from him! I had no choice but to see," the detective complained at the Look™️ Chuuya threw him before going back to enjoying No Longer Human rushing through him. 'Someone as deadly as him should not look this adorable!'

"I want to know, too, you know," Chuuya whispered, finally stepping away from his palm, flushing in embarrassment at how he'd just acted. "Also, your ass isn't that flat."

Nikolai actually gawked.

Dazai almost joined him.

Dostoevsky made an impatient sound so Dazai shot him in the foot. The yowl of pain was definitely worth it and it definitely brought back the right mood for this situation.

"How are you alive?" Dostoevsky asked again after he managed to not focus on the pain of his now shattered foot, the bones there in shards no doubt. "My plan was foolproof! You had a gun against your head! No human could survive that!"

"Ding ding ding~" Dazai singsonged. "Read the name, bitch!"

"No Longer Human does not make you impervious to bullets," Fyodor growled. "I know that for a fact, from multiple experiences." It was Chuuya's turn to growl, his earlier murderous blood-lust reemerging as he remembered all the shit the Russian had put them through. "In fact, you're not even impervious to knives! Shibusawa easily stabbed y-" He freezes and his genius mind goes into overdrive, finally making a realization that has come months too late. "You were dead. Months ago, you were dead. Yet you're here, with No Longer Human still in your grasp ... How!?"

"What is it you're looking for again, Fedya?" Dazai cooed, yet the expression on his face did not match the endearing nickname or the tone. "Didn't I tell you you'd never find it? That your plan will never succeed? Why do you think I was so confident in such grand statements?"

Violet eyes turned into dinner plates. "You!"

"Me." Then, without further ado, he changed his aim and fired. With as true a shot as his partner, a bullet lodged itself into the center of Fyodor's forehead. Just to be sure, he fired all the rounds, until the safety clicked that the gun was empty, at which he threw it away like it was a rotten apple. "Now we match. Goodbye, demon Fyodor. Hopefully you won't be coming back."

"DOS-KUN!" Too little, too late, Nikolai threw himself at his friend(?) with tears streaming down his face. He shook him desperately, calling his name over and over again, but there was no response as blood gushed around the singular hole in his head, filled to the brim with bullets. The white haired clown gathered the body in his arms, buried his face in greasy-looking black hair and wailed.

Chuuya, understanding that sort of grief too well, too freshly, pointed the gun he still held in his own hand. The two shots, to the head and to the heart, was a mercy killing. The wails stopped.

Chuuya turned around on Dazai and slammed him into the nearest wall, glaring up at him through teary eyes. "Don't lie to me: how are you alive? I-I remember pulling the t-trigger ... I know my aim ... So how!? And h-how long w-will it last?" The last was asked in a stuttered whisper, because Dazai had reached out for him again, carding long fingers through lush, soft fiery hair still slightly damp from being submerged in heavy water not even half an hour ago. That's when Chuuya also remembered the poison. He stiffened, about to detangle himself from Dazai, but the brunet beat him to it.

"No need. It's no longer in my system."

"You're taking that antidote unless you want me to fold you into a pretzel to make you!"

Dazai huffed but let his partner fuss over him, even letting him administer the antidote. "I wasn't lying earlier. I can't really explain it, but you and I are not as different as most would think. For whatever reason, I'm the vessel for the Book. Whether I'm the first one or this is the 'standard practice' is up in the air, because I just woke up one day with an awareness of its existence within me. And because the Book is supposedly indestructible, it 'repairs' me as its 'vessel' whenever I'm in beyond mortal danger. However, because I'm me, it and No Longer Human are always playing a tug of war with me and, well, No Longer Human is generally the winner." He huffed again, amused that his Ability was apparently stronger than such a sought-after artifact of pure power. "However, if I die, the Book kicks in and resurrects me or something, repairing the most critical damage as fast as it can before No Longer Human beats it into submission again."

Chuuya gawked at him. "B-but it's a Book!"

"A Book that can change reality," Dazai points out.

"How did it even get in you? In fact, why you?"

"My honest guess? As a safety measure," Dazai replied with a shrug. "You know how my Ability is better than anyone else besides me, of course. Nothing and no one could use the Book as long as it's merged with me. Which is also why I'm guessing that it was someone involved with the government who did it. A Page was taken out, to be studied and no doubt experimented on, but the Book itself was hidden."

"Inside the only real nullifier in the world, the ultimate anti-Gifted with no peer or equal anywhere," Chuuya finished his thought, understanding. "That's ... Well, not gonna lie, that's brilliant, but also shady as hell. What would have they done had they wanted the Book back? Or what about you? Are you immortal or something? In which cases would the Book even react?"

"That's all great questions, mon petite mafia, but not even I know the answers. Which is why I don't usually hinge my strategies on explicitly dying but surviving it. But I don't think I'm immortal. I can die, it's just that, for now and so far, I don't stay dead. The biggest reason why I don't rely on coming back, though, is because I don't know if it will bring me back unconditionally or an infinite number of times. And, well, I may be quite literally the most suicidal and most enthusiastic person regarding death anyone will ever meet, but it will be under my conditions. And if someone wanted the Book back ... " He shrugged. "I really don't know. I guess I'll just have to deal with it when it happens."

Chuuya nodded as he threw away the syringe. "I guess that's all we can do. It shouldn't be too hard. After all, you're a slippery mackerel and only I get to kill you, so I sure as hell won't let anyone take that pleasure from me."

The taller man stared at him, almost uncomprehending. " ... 'We'?"

Chuuya rolled his eyes at him. "Of course, partner. After all, you and I are destined to face the world together, side by side," he said, extending a hand to Dazai with the intent to help him stand without leaning on the wall for support. "Right? That's the sappy shit you were gonna say, yeah? Well, I beat you to it! Ha!"

Dazai just chuckled, taking Chuuya's hand as he had that fateful day their hearts first reached out to each other, letting Chuuya rearrange them so he supported most of Dazai's weight as they walked out of the most impenetrable Gifted prison in the world, two dangerous terrorists left in their wake.

"Chuuya knows me so well."

00000

They did have to hurry back inside when they remembered they left poor Sigma in the security room. But that was just a slight detour all around.

"So, how are we getting back to Yokohama so that the information Sigma-kun worked so hard to get can be safely utilized to stop this bullshit?" Chuuya asked as he hauled the two taller, injured men on his own, the two-tone haired one sheepish to be causing more 'trouble' while Dazai shamelessly relied on his partner's brute strength.

"Oh, there's a super-jet for swift, emergency transportation of dangerous individuals that should still be parked outside," Dazai chirped, laughing at the stunned look Sigma gave him and the exasperated sigh Chuuya released.

"How the hell do you even know that?" The former casino manager demanded bluntly. After reuniting with Dazai and crying all over him for thinking he'd be dead, Sigma had slapped him - lightly, having taken note of the protective hovering of the gravity manipulator as he assessed the danger levels the literal three year old might pose to his partner - scolded him and had then proceeded to be as casual with Dazai as can be, as though they were lifelong friends. Dazai welcomes it, because it seems Sigma was finally getting out of his shell, even if it took several near death experiences to get him there. And, well, he'd seen Dazai do crazy shit. He was officially ready for the insanity of the world he was going to get dragged into as a future Armed Detective Agency member, whether he was aware of it or not.

Still, Chuuya applauded the man for realizing that, to survive an acquaintanceship with Dazai Osamu, one has to throw away any potential formality between them and just start calling the brunet out on his bullshit.

Still, both halves of Soukoku were amused by Sigma's naivety and novelty to Dazai simply knowing all sorts of random shit about the people/places keeping him captive that he definitely shouldn't know.

"Oh, I was basically brought here in one! I can probably jump start it and we'll be in Yokohama in an hour or so~"

"Oi, that would only be possible with the use of my Ability, which we can't do because of your skinny ass!"

"You said my ass was just fine!"

"I said no such thing-"

"Can we please focus? You know, on stopping a potentially world-ending war?" The youngest of the three asked with an exasperated sigh at getting the crash course to being exposed to and dealing with Soukoku's Unconventional Mating Rituals™️.

"Right, as I was saying, yes, with Chuuya's Ability, we can get there in an hour or so via super-jet~ I'll just need to be in the Ability-isolating containment unit so I hope you two know how to fly a plane~!"

"..."

"..."

Dazai was just beaming at them, the little shit.

"WHAT!?"

00000

Fukuchi and his basically mind-controlled - literal military - army have been managing to keep the vampire-Detective-Mafia-Guild-Department-Hunting Dog army at bay by way of weapons of mass destruction while Yosano and Bram kept their side alive through their Abilities. It was a long, grueling, seemingly fruitless battle when , all of a sudden, a plane crashed at the airport. It paused the battle as they all stared, perplexed, at the burning aircraft of obviously sleek, European design.

Then a door popped open due to an unrelenting force from inside and seconds later, a well-dressed individual of perfectly split, two-toned - white and lilac - long hair crawled out of the smoke, desperately gasping for breath. "Never again!" He screeched back at the duo making it out of the wreck after him, both in both a better and a far worse state than the hysterical man kissing the ground.

"My piloting skills are not that bad," Nakahara Chuuya retorted with a roll of his eyes while Dazai Osamu, dressed in a white, prison overall, snickered, leaning on him to stay upright.

Atsushi and Akutagawa visibly perked up at seeing their mentor(s). "Dazai-san! And Nakahara-san, too! You're back!"

Bram blinked at the ginger, confused. "Oh. So you're the one I lost completely. You remind me of Aya-chan, actually."

"So No Longer Human works?" Kunikida demanded while Yosano looked seconds away from dragging Dazai off to check his injuries.

"Of course it does, Kunikida-kun~ I am the all powerful deus ex machina~!" Dazai replied with a smile and a peace sign. He grunted when Chuuya - gently - deposited him near Sigma before the petite Executive turned to Fukuchi with cracking knuckles. "Make sure not to destroy the One Order before I nullify it, chibi~!"

"Shut up, bastard. I know that already, damn it," huffed the brawn of Soukoku, a red glow already appearing around him. "So, you're the fucker that fucked this goddamned bullshit up in the first damn fucking place, huh, bastard?"

Fukuchi seemed bewildered by Chuuya's potty mouth, unused to being the one with the urge to scold someone for their inappropriate conduct and foul language.

The gravity manipulator grinned. "Are you ready to be crushed by vicious gravity, old geezer?"

That got a laugh out of the Captain of the Hunting Dogs, loud and arrogant, as he raised his sword in Chuuya's direction. "You think ya can dance with me, boy? I'll have you shitting in your pants before you can even think to cry!"

"Ah, you guys should clear out," Dazai called, mostly to Akutagawa and anyone from the Port Mafia who could hear him, as they'd at least know what he was talking about. Akutagawa nodded and started carting off people to safety using Rashoumon, Atsushi, Gin and Sigma first.

He only stopped by Bram to warn him about the impending danger. "Tell all the vampires to leave now. Even the regeneration of this Ability won't help if they're wiped off of the atomic plane of existence by Chuuya-san." Bram's eyes widened but he got the message loud and clear and, within moments, everyone had fallen back as far as they could.

"Oh, grantor of dark disgrace, you need not wake me again."

Really, all it took for the One Order to fly in Dazai's general direction was some thirty seconds. With a single touch of his mere fingertips, the Ability built into the contraption was nullified and various military squads all over rushed to stop the launch sequences of various warheads and missiles. Troops were ordered to return, on land, in the water or in the air and there was a mad scramble to prevent an international incident already.

In the next couple of seconds, a graviton bomb blew Fukuchi to smithereens. There was literally nothing left of him in the wake of Chuuya's Corruption, which Dazai stopped the second he was sure the old Hunting Dog, who was also the leader of the Decay of Angels, has been dealt with. Soukoku collapsed on each other on the floor, barely keeping each other from cracking their skulls on the pavement and promptly passed out.

And that was that.

Just like that, Yokohama was safe again. Hell, Japan was safe again. The world was safe again.

As everyone celebrated or scrambled to check on the pair, as the Agency was cleared of the allegations and crimes framed on them, as all members of all the organizations that participated in this mad dash to stop Fukuchi were found and healed by Yosano, as Dazai screwed over Mori's plans to get him or any other Agency member to (re)join the Mafia for helping the Agency by pointing out he was the one who helped everyone, especially by nullifying the vampirism (which Bram was the most thankful for, actually, as he turned back to a normal human with an Ability rather than an actual vampire; it was now more or less under his control, especially after he joined the Agency and All Men Are Born Equal stabilized it), as the Special Abilities Department set out to clear up this mess, Dazai's secret remained just that, a secret.

A secret he now shared with his partner, as they were the only two survivors of it being revealed. (Sigma had, apparently, been unconscious already when the vampire!Chuuya had shot Dazai in the head, so he had no idea Dazai had literally come back to life.) A secret and the series of events behind it that brought them closer together than ever before.

Even as Mori and Fukuzawa kept working together while throwing barbs at each other in the bitterness of their partnership's breakup; even as Atsushi and Akutagawa settled their own problems and started trying to chop each other up a lot less than usual; even as Tachihara and Yosano exchanged stories about the former's older brother they had both cared for so much; even as Ranpo and Poe continued their Will They? Won't They? between being rivals and being something like lovers, to Mushitaro's immense frustration; even as Kyouka and Kouyou started having tea regularly; even as Fitzgerald continued his (non-destructive) search for the Book or any other way to bring back his daughter with Louisa at his side; even as Lucy made a home at the Cafe Uzumaki; even as the Agency returned to their business and the Mafia to theirs yet they remained allies, now stronger than ever; even as the remaining Hunting Dogs (but really only Tecchou and Jouno) kept fulfilling their oaths to serve their country honorably; even as Aya visited the Agency more often to annoy Kunikida or hang out with Bram and Sigma, the newest members; even as Ango finally dared to visit Oda's grave while Dazai was still there; even as Chuuya finally dragged Verlaine out of the basement; even as Natsume kept watching over the Tripartite system and the city it was meant to protect.

Even as others like Fukuchi or Fyodor, or even Fitzgerald - and wow, do people with their names starting with an F have it out for Yokohama, huh? - came and tried their hand against them and got their asses soundly handed to them, even as new faces came and went, even as they attended funerals and weddings alike, even after one too many 'close calls', no one found out Dazai's secret.

It kept him safe.

It kept the Book safe.

And it kept Yokohama safe.

That was enough for Dazai and Chuuya to keep the secret all to themselves, even as the search for the Book continued, even as Dazai confirmed his suspicions of how it ended up in his body in the first place. They just kept quiet, saying nothing, enjoying their chaotic lives with each other, always side by side, sometimes basically connected to the hip, moving as one being. Be it in their apartment or out on the field together or in joint meetings.

For however long a peace like this might last in lives like theirs, they'll take it.

At the end of the day, every day, it was all more than worth fighting for.

As long as they're together, not even death may do them part.

OWARI

A/N: Yeah, I killed Fyodor again. Whatcha gonna do 'bout it? Though, to be fair, I think we can all agree he deserved it this time.

Welp, that was my take on how it's NOT Soukokover. If any of this shit ends up being canon, Imma pass out but bless whichever device I read it on, cus I just need for Dazai's current status to not be real.

Thanks for reading, yall!

Hope you have a nice day! :)