Chapter 4 – dead cant keep living

Pov Harlow

In the last 2 weeks since I became a member of the group nothing much has happened. I've spent most of my time in the company of carl, he started to come up my watchtower which he nicknamed my nest not only because of my fondness for birds but because I started to accumulate small things up there.

For example, the group gave me a blanket from one of the spare cells that I ended up using as a curtain for the inside bit of the watchtower to cover up the window, if I want privacy. I would have used it as a blanket as it was intended to be if the material wasn't so rough and grainy because my sensory issues can't stand the texture of it.

I spend most of my time on the balcony of the watchtower because I choose to sleep there instead of inside. I also try keep flowers in an empty glass I turned into a makeshift vase in an attempt to make the tower more of a home.

I've also started collecting rocks again which was a habit I picked up when I was a young child and it stuck with me. My favourite rock is a dark grey one I found with loads of cracks in it as well as sporadic white spots along its surface, I like it because to me it looks like the stone version of an old man, complete with two dents that look like eyes and a crack that could be mouth.

I've subconsciously convinced myself that the Oldman rock is lucky and full of wisdom so I've taken to carrying it with me everywhere I go in my pockets. I've named him oldy.

When carl first started coming to my "nest" he didn't say much if anything at all instead just choosing to sit next to me. Eventually we started to have conversations and about a week in we couldn't stop talking about everything and nothing, I would even go so far as to call him a friend of sorts.

He told me about the groups time at the CDC and the farm but not in great detail. I told him bits and pieces of my childhood in the foster care system with Enola but not too much.

Today me and carl are sitting in the watchtower watching the sun rise because I finally convinced him it was worth waking up early to see. He looks over to me and asks "do you watch the sunrise every morning" and I nod my head to answer he chuckles and questions "why would you do that it's so early"

I reply "I mostly do it so I can listen to the birds waking up if I'm honest" carl rolls his eyes in mock exasperation sighing "what's with you and birds why do you like them so much?"

I pause before answering because I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell carl, mostly because it never came up. I decide it would be nice to tell someone so I reply "growing up me and Enola both loved birds, I don't know what started the obsession we had but we were both hooked on them. the day Enola killed herself I was getting ready to go to school, she still hadn't gone back to school after the assault, and just before I left Enola stopped me and asked..." I pause for a minute thinking back to the last conversation I ever had with my sister.

(flashback)

"Harlow, if reincarnation is real when you die what will you come back as." I look at Enola before answering "I haven't really thought about it" she looks at me for a long minute before saying "when I die, I'm going to come back as a bird. That way if you ever want need me you will be able to find me in the birdsong.

I frown and look over to Enola taken aback by the sadness in her voice I smile and try cheer her up when I say in mock indignation, "hey who says you're going to die first." Enola just looks at me before giving me a sad smile and saying "I don't know I just have a feeling I will." before I can respond Mrs berry is shouting me down to get in the car so I only have time to give Enola a hug goodbye and say I quick "love you" before I leave.

(End of flashback)

"And so that's the last thing my sister ever said to me. I didn't no at the time that was our last conversation but she must have. I was so stupid I should have realised she was trying to say goodbye, maybe if I had she wouldn't be dead" I'm crying now as I continue to say "now whenever I hear the birds it's like she's talking to me. Fuck I miss her so much" I'm sobbing too hard to speak now and carl is teary eyed.

"God I'm so sorry Harlow," I don't say anything, instead I just wrap my arms around him and sob into his shirt desperately seeking comfort. he only freezes for a moment before wrapping his arms around me.

Carl holds me until I calm down and once I I'm quit, he tries to tell me a stupid joke that gets me to chuckle. I haven't felt this free since Enola's death it's like by finally admitting my guilt over Enola's suicide lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

I listen to the birds singing and breath. I will fly with Enola one day, but today is not that day.

Pov Harlow

It's the afternoon and rick, Glenn, Maggie, t-dog, and Daryl just left for a supply run but should be back in a couple of hours. Me and carl are watching Lorrie and carol help Hershel to walk but he doesn't really need them he seems to have got the hang of his crutches remarkably quick.

"Want to race Hershel" carl jokingly asks and Hershel responds "give me until tomorrow and ill take you up on that." Everyone is laughing until Lorrie screams and doubles over.

"My water just broke the baby's coming" Hershel freezes before he collects himself and asks "can you make it to the cell block" Lorrie grunts in response and we all start to make our way back to the prison.

We get back to the cellblock and I grab towels, and the limited medical supplies me and carl found, from Hershel's cell and bring them over to him.

It takes about an hour of contractions before Hershel says "it's time to push" and when Lorrie does, she scream's so loud I have to cover my ears. I know something is wrong when what seems to be half a gallon of blood comes out of Lorrie filling the room with its signature metallic sent.

Carl panics and franticly asks Hershel "what's happening" Hershel doesn't say anything for a coupe seconds before saying "the baby is stuck and I can't safely deliver it.

Lorrie despite being in clear agony manages to speak through gritted teeth "will my baby die." Hershel shakes his head and says "the only way to save it is to cut it out but you wouldn't survive." Lorrie is crying whither from pain or sadness or both I don't know, through her tears she chokes out "do it"

Carl freaks out rushing to his mother's side "mom no you can't"

Lorrie takes carls hand and says "carl baby I don't want you to be scared okay, this is what I want this is right. Now you take care of your daddy for me alright and your little brother or sister you take care of them."

"You don't have to do this" carl sobs and Lorrie grips his hand tighter before she continues "we are going to be fine; you are going to beat this world I know you will, you are smart and you are strong and you are so brave. I love you." "I love you to mum" carl replies.

Lorrie lets out a gasp of pain and says "it's alright now, it's alright goodnight love." Carl holds onto his mother's hand as Hershel starts to cut Lorrie open. Lorrie thankfully passes out as Hershel pulls a little baby girl out. The room is quit the baby stays silent.

Hershel quickly holds the baby upside down and starts tabbing its foot, sure enough the baby starts crying and I breathe a sigh of relief. Beth grabs a towel and raps up the baby holding her in her arms.

Carl stares at his little sister in aw for a moment before grief clouds is expression again. He looks at Hershel and says "someone's got to do It or she will turn and it has to be me it has to be someone that loves her." Hershel looks like he might argue before he seems to think better of it.

Everyone stands and leave's to give carl and his mum privacy. I wait outside the cell block even though the others went outside for air. I wait for carl because that's what a friend would do and right now, I think carl could really use a friend. I know it's done when a gunshot rings through the prison and sure enough carl comes out the cell block a thew seconds later covered in blood.

He looks at me and I wrap my arms around him trying to offer him comfort he needs. Carl sobs into my shoulder as I rub soothing circles on his back.

It's a perfect parallel from this morning as he cries and I try to hold him together, though I know even if I had all the tape in the world, I still wouldn't be able to stop carl from falling apart. All I can do is be there to help him pick up the pieces when he is ready.

Carl pov:

My mums gone, she's dead and I was the one who killed her. My body went numb when hers fell limp in my arms, I shouldn't cry I'm supposed to be strong, no more kid stuff dad said, but I can't keep myself together no matter how hard I try.

Thankfully nobody's outside to witness my tears or at least I think nobody is, until I lock eyes with Harlow. Strangely I don't mind so much that she is there to witness my weakness, maybe its because of this morning.

She wraps her arms around me as if it's the most natural thing in the world and I don't hesitate before sinking into the embrace.

It feels like I've been crying for hours when we finally pull apart. I can here a commotion outside, the others must be back. outside I see everyone gathered in the courtyard, my dad is sobbing on the ground chanting "no no no" over and over again.

The sight makes me feel sick, I've never seen my dad cry I've never even thought it possible. He's always been strong and put together even in crises, I don't know how to look at my dad when he is like this it feels wrong like the world is shattering before my eyes.

Harlow subtly takes my hand and I grip her hand back as tightly as I can because right now it feels like my only tether to reality. Like her hand is the only thing keeping me from floating away.

I wonder When our relationship got to this point. When did she go from a stranger to whatever we are now. Friend doesn't seem the right word, it doesn't seem to encompass what we are to each other. I suppose she is my best friend in a way but that title doesn't seem quite right either. For the last couple weeks, we became companions and then something more.

Whatever we are I don't want to lose it which is a problem because this world doesn't let you keep anything for long. Only two hours ago I had a mother. Now I have a baby sister and a dad who is falling apart. I want to protect my loved ones I have left but its impossible, not even my dad can protect the family we built with this group.

I just hope when its time to meet our ends I die first, because I don't want to feel this pain anymore.