Warning: Humor so dark you need a flashlight.

I cannot begin to describe how much this is different from my usual fics. This is Dark. Lots of bad things happen. None of it is treated seriously in a way that matters. I honestly want to just say if you have any triggers around death, depression, alcohol use, torture, or human experimentation, do not read this.

Ash looked himself in the eye.

Now, had he been looking in the mirror, this would have been an expected occurrence. Unfortunately, he was not anywhere near such an installation.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be looking at myself." He muttered and wondered at the sound of his voice. It sounded different like something was off about it in a way he couldn't put his finger on.

Or rather… he stared at his odd-looking arm ending in a black stump. Couldn't put whatever his arm was now on.

That didn't quite roll off the tongue the same way.

He looked away from his arm back to his body. For it was his body he was certain of it. Right, where he left it! Although he had expected to wake up still inside of it, the fact he was outside of it right now was very confusing.

Hmm, what happened? He had been in the woods; by himself. He'd run into some Pokémon and spent the day running around with them. He'd taken a few falls and felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Now that he had a better perspective he could see there was a sharp rock jabbed into his chest. Well, that shouldn't be there! He pulled it out and turned his nose up at the blood. Gross.

But he'd decided to just lay down and rest for a minute before going home. Ash had felt pretty cold and tired after all! So he'd propped himself up against a stump (the stump of an ash tree ironically) and taken a nap.

Huh, where'd that stump go actually?

He crossed his weird stumpy arms and glowered at his body. "Come on, we need to go home."

With some creative grabbing, he latched onto one of his arms (geez, why was it so cold?) and started dragging. Mom was probably getting worried.

Gary was a bit confused when Ash came to see him the next day.

For one thing, the idiot had forgotten how to talk, but not how to write. So he was using a stick to write in the dirt.

"Wait that was your Mom screaming last night?" The shriek had woken him up in the middle of the night, really annoying. He'd been having a great dream!

'Yeah.' Ash spelled out, tongue hanging out of his wooden mouth as he did so. 'I don't get it. I came home and brought everything I left with. I don't know why she started crying or calling an ambulance.'

"An ambulance?" That was weird. "What for like a Pokémon?"

'No.' Ash wrote. 'For a human. Me apparently? I had a rock in my chest, but I took it out.'

"You idiot." Gary flicked Ash's floating tree stump of a head. "You gotta be more careful than that! Someone could have died!"

'I know.' Ash carved into the dirt. 'Guess I just got lucky'.

Gary shook his head at his friend's stupidity. "Come on, let's go play tag. Gramps has locked himself in his lab again tonight."

Delia looked at the grave and sniffed. Two months. Two months since her baby boy had died.

"Mom, this is boring!" The Phantump that continued to follow her around complained.

She appreciated the Pokémon had brought her son's body back but it was starting to get annoying. Especially after it had figured out how to speak Japanese.

Phantump groaned when she said nothing and sank into the ground. It popped back out a few moments later. "Yep, gets grosser every time I see it. I'm gonna go hang out with Gary. Bye, Mom!"

Sometimes she could still hear Ash's voice.

Professor Oak had been inconsolable since young Ash Ketchum had died.

If you didn't know him, you would think it would be because a bright young boy had his life snuffed out far too soon. Never able to grow up and become the man he had been destined to be.

If you did, you'd be surprised he was upset.

He wasn't upset about the loss of life, hardly. He was a firm believer in the survival of the fittest. No, he was upset that he was only now discovering the amazing potential human children had for turning into Pokémon!

Oftentimes in the past, he had considered turning humans into Pokémon, in fact, some of his previous failed experiments were still screaming in his basement. Like that head, he'd attached to the body of a Weedle. All it did was scream now though. But failure was all part of the process!

That reminded him, he needed to remind Gary to go feed them. That boy never kept up with his chores unless you hounded him on them.

The recent death and semi-resurrection of Ash Ketchum had helped him figure a few things out. Of course, you couldn't turn an adult into a Pokémon, they'd reject such a massive change to their body! But if you started with a child?

Time to begin the tests!

"Mr. Oak, do I have to stay on this stump?" The bald child asked him with tired, sunken eyes.

"Professor Oak." he corrected the sick creature in front of him. Children these days, no respect for authority figures. "Yes, you have to stay there for the next." he checked the child's documentation and then his watch. "27 hours, and 13 minutes."

"Oh…" The child looked sad. Why? It wasn't like he was asking something hard. "Do I get to go home after?"

"Hm?" He looked up. "Not your old home, you get a new home! A better home!"

Oak frowned and double-checked his notes. "Well, assuming this works…"

It had taken a year of therapy for Delia to finally come to terms with the fact her son was truly dead.

Then she had to fire her therapist because he was telling her to let go and move on.

That was a bit hard since her son's ghost was hanging around the house and asking her for cookies.

At least he wasn't lonely. Recently dozens of other Phantump had begun appearing in the area around Pallet Town. She was no scientist or biologist so she wasn't really sure what was causing it, but at least Ash was happy about it.

Every day he came home telling her about exploits he had with Gary and the other ghosts while she chugged down a stein of Potion and orange juice.

As far as Ash was concerned, nothing had changed in his life! Except for the fact he could use Pokémon moves and talk to other Pokémon.

For Delia, every time she saw his smiling wooden face she was reminded of her failures as a parent.

That was fine.

Really.

Everything was fine.

Six months before his Grandson and his best friend the Phantump turned ten and could start their Pokémon journey Professor Oak received news that shook him to his core.

Team Rocket had somehow managed to get the DNA of Mew and were attempting to clone the mythical Pokémon.

He put the memo down and processed the information.

"They're trying to clone Mew?!" he was horrified. "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!"

"I need to get to work immediately!" He cleared the unimportant documents from his desk, death reports, warrants for his arrest, a speeding ticket... "Where do I get Mew DNA?" He wondered at his first hurdle.

Oak paused and then went to his collection of Pokémon, all in habitats specifically made to meet their every need.

He passed his Pidgey, Rattata, Gollet, and Phantump, and arrived at his Zorua.

Zorua had been a lucky catch, the dark-type had disguised itself as a child attending one of his educational summer camps. It had given itself away by losing focus on its illusion after claiming to have seen Mew.

"Zorua!" He stopped at the habitat. The Pokémon was a weird one, requesting computers and air conditioners instead of foliage. But he could use a little weirdness today.

"My name is Goh!" The Zorua repeated its usual greeting, and the man rolled his eyes.

"Yes, yes, I require your assistance!"

"Really?" Zorua narrowed his eyes at him. "Why should I help you?"

"It involves Mew." The Pokémon's obsession was irrational but would come in handy today!

"Why didn't you start with that?!" Zorua pressed his face against the glass. "How can I help?"

"I need Mew's DNA, please, and thank you!" Oak opened the cell and Zorua sped out.

"I'm on it!" With that man and Pokémon raced off.

Ash and Gary were gathered at Professor Oak's lab on their tenth birthday. Ash probably would have overslept but thankfully one of the other Phantump, Serena, had woken him up! She even asked if she could come with him on his journey!

He of course welcomed the company but he had to get his starter from Professor Oak first so he'd meet her outside.

There was a third trainer there, one neither of the boys recognized.

A Pokémon with vaguely feline facial features, standing on its hind legs, and with a giant tail shuffled awkwardly under their scrutiny.

This Pokémon was also wearing a white blouse, a skirt, and a hat.

Ash could respect the hat, but his was still cooler.

'Hi.' A feminine voice spoke in their heads. 'My name is Leaf, I'm becoming a trainer today too.'

"Nice to meet you Leaf!" Ash shook her three-fingered hand with his weird stub arms. He still missed his thumbs. "I'm Ash, and this is my friend Gary!"

"Friend is a strong word." Gary rubbed a finger under his nose and Ash glared at him.

"Right, don't dawdle you three, time for your Pokémon." Professor Oak emerged with three Pokeballs. "Gary you wanted an Eevee, here you go." He plopped the ball in his grandson's hands. "Leaf, you can have Zorua, since if I don't give it to you it has promised to commit cyber crimes against me, and also the rest of the world."

'This is Goh right?' Leaf asked as she took the Quick Ball from the man.

"No, it's Zorua." He repeated. "And Ash I have another Phantump for you."

"Oh, well that's okay Professor, Serena already said she'd become my Pokémon." Ash declined the ball.

"Serena?" He looked confused for a minute. "Oh right! The one from the summer camp. I remember that court battle. Negligence my ass…" He grumbled and tossed the Poke Ball behind him.

The man thought for a moment. "Aha! I think I have another one for you!" He dug through a box and tossed a ball with a lightning bolt on it to Ash. "Found that chewing on my wires. It's yours if you want it."

"Mine?" Ash sent out the Pokémon.

It was yellow, and dirt, and ruffled fur, it spun around a bit. "Where is that psychotic old man? I'll get him for what he did to my family."

"Hi, Pikachu!" Ash greeted the electric-type. "My name is Ash and we're gonna be best friends!"

Pikachu looked at him, saw the hat, and the Poké Ball, and decided not to ask any questions.

'...I don't think I should ask what happened to your family should I?' Leaf guessed.

Professor Oak looked at Ash and Pikachu and had a sudden epiphany. "Oh thank heavens! I almost forgot about that paradox! Glad we sorted that out." He tapped his chin. "Maybe I should try finding Celebi again. What I could do with time travel…"

"Wait I'm confused," Pikachu announced after they left town. "So you used to be a human, but fell on a rock in the woods."

"Yep!" Ash nodded. "Not really sure how that turned me into a Phantump but yeah!"

"Right, and you." He looked at Serena floating next to Ash. "You also used to be a human. But hurt your leg at a summer camp and when Ash took you to get help the maniac you call a Professor 'helped you' become a Phantump."

"I think there was a camera involved?" Serena had never quite figured out how to achieve human speech again. "He pointed it at my head after having me sit on a stump."

Pikachu opened and closed his mouth. "Not touching that. But what, if I die do I become a human?"

Ash shrugged, "Maybe? We could test it out later. But first adventure! Let's get to Viridian City! I want to beat Gary there!"

They beat Gary there.

The method they did so involved Pikachu's past crimes against Spearow coming back to haunt him (something about omelets), a thunderstorm, Ash and Serena learning how to possess the same human at the same time, and also Ho-oh stopping by, looking horrified and declaring this was all wrong.

That last thing was a little worrying.

"Hey." Serena/Misty mentioned once they were at the Pokémon Center. "Should we stop possessing her?"

"Hm?" Ash/Misty asked. "Oh good idea!"

"Umm." Nurse Joy watched with fascinated horror as the two ghost-types removed themselves from the Cerulean City gym leader and she collapsed like a puppet without strings.

"Oi!" Ash smacked her cheeks a bit. "Are you alright?"

Her eyes blinked open but their pupils and irises were now blank. "I have seen that which rules the parallel and it found me wanting."

"Sounds alright to me." Serena nodded. "Can we keep her around? I liked having thumbs again."

"If she's okay with it, hey Misty are you okay with us piloting you like a meat suit more?" Ash asked her and she sat up and grabbed the sides of his head.

"Yessss…" She hissed. "I must see it again. I must become worthy."

"Thanks, Misty!" Ash grinned. "Gee, I'm making so many new friends today!"

That was when the roof exploded and more friends made their first appearance!

"That Pikachu was not normal," Yamask claimed and stared at the face he had in life. No blue hair to be seen on it.

Mimikyu grimaced and looked in a puddle. "Certainly not, Thunder Shock killed us instantly! That's cheating!"

Meowth looked at his two no longer human companions and scratched his head. "I don't get it. How come you two died but I only got knocked out?"

"Game mechanics." James the Yamask guessed.

"I hate those things." Jessie the Mimikyu agreed.

I had fun writing this. I'm never continuing this but it was fun to write.

I wasn't going to post this at first, but enough people told me it was alright I bit the bullet and went for it.

On ao3, it is tagged as "Grimdark Monty Python Sketch" not sure I can get a more accurate description than that.

A part of me is ashamed of this...

But it's funny and I had the urge to write it. So I did.

~FriTik

R&R