His panting subsides as he slowly withdraws from him. He's furious with himself for submitting to his hunger for him again. So fucking furious with himself. They've barely spoken a word to each other for hours but he can't use that as an excuse. As if he needed words. Just the mention of his name is all he needs and he's catapulted back in to his pipe dream of them together. Because that's all it will ever be, a pipe dream. Christian has finally accepted that Syed will never fully be his and it's humbled him. He can't have him and that cuts him deep.
He reaches down and places his cock back in his trousers, stunned by the amount of his relief that's over it. He went hard on him tonight, selfishly hard and the result now coats his entire length. A guilt washes over him as he begins his final walk away from him; what if that was too hard for Syed? Too deep? How much had he hurt him tonight? Syed never called out, never told him he was at the edge, that he was about to cum; he always told him when he was about to cum. But not tonight. Had he gone so hard that he couldn't? Had he found the line he swore he'd never cross? Had he harmed him?
He can't take the regret that's washed over him and walks in to the kitchen in total silence, his heart crying out. He'll stay here until he leaves, it's the least he can do. He can't face him, Syed won't want to see him after what he's just done to him. So he waits in silence, motionless, and hears the faint clang of metal from his belt buckle as Syed dresses himself, readying himself to leave. One minute he tells himself. Just one more minute and he'll be gone forever, and he'll hate me as much as I hate myself. And then, Christian tells himself, I can fall apart. Again.
He knows he isn't there anymore, he isn't near him. He's fucked him and he's left him where he is and it wounds Syed deeply. He fumbles his trousers back up his legs, securing them with the top button as his feet take him over to the kitchen. He has to see him, he has to look at him. His eyes were closed for so much of their session that they feel cheated. He finds his frame and instantly relaxes before glancing sideways to the pillar he was fucked up against not that long ago. He can see the scratch marks his nails have left and remembers the pleasure he felt as his fingernails dug in.
But he stands there feeling alone; Christian doesn't turn to him, he doesn't acknowledge what they've just done. In fact he doesn't acknowledge Syed at all. Questions he never thought he'd need the answers to swirl in his mind, dizzying him slightly. Is this it now? Is he nothing to him any more? Was that just a fuck to him, one of his 'famous' 1 night stands? Is this what it really feels like to not be loved by him? To just get fucked and then expected to leave? Is that all that was to him, what Syed is to him? Another on a long list of meaningless fucks?!
The questions hurt his head so much he pushes them deep down in his mind. He knows the answers to them all; all but one. He needs to know what that meant to him, if it meant anything at all. Never has he fucked him like that before, never has he left him wondering what would happen next. Was this normal for Christian? Was this how it was before Syed came and... and what? Loved him? Destroyed him? He has to know, he has to know if that was meaningless for him. If, for the first time for them, it was just about the sex.
He restlessly waits for the sound of the door closing, waits for confirmation of the moment Syed has walked out on him. Again. But it doesn't come. In it's place is his voice, his question, and it catches Christian unaware.
Why have you never fucked me like that before?
His voice is powerful, he'll show none of the fear he's feeling to him. He can't show him weakness now, he doesn't know what it will mean.
Instinctively he turns to the sound of him, in a state of almost disbelief that he's still there. He's unprepared for the astonishing sight before him; half dressed with a hint of fury in his eyes. He can't resist him, not when he's like this but he also admits to himself that he can't do this, not now. He doesn't have the strength or the bravery to argue with him again. He'll give in to him, to whatever Syed wants.
He takes to long to answer, if he even will answer him, and he can't stand the silence. He speaks again.
I asked you a question.
He doesn't know what he wants to hear. He doesn't know what he can say to stop this. He is so tired of the carnage that is them that he doesn't even attempt to think up a lie. His reply is as honest as it can be.
Because I have never been that fucking angry with you before.
His words slither through his gritted teeth, a warning that now is not the time to fuck with his head. He needs him to read between his words, to see that he's so tired. Both mentally and physically he's drained and it breaks him to admit it. He can't stand not having this man in his life but he knows that their final goodbye is coming. Isn't it? He sees Syed's face drop as his words hit his ears. He's upset; his words have upset him. Well good, he forces himself to think, to believe. He's had his fun, made his point. He can go now that he's had what he wanted. He's won Christian thinks to himself bitterly. I still want him and he knows that. He's always known it and he always provokes Christian with it; he always has to show him he knows that he is his weakness. His only weakness.
Do it again.
Syed's eyes don't falter as he speaks, his sincerity is clear. He wants him.
I'm sorry?!
Christian can't grasp the gravity of the situation, can't believe what he's just heard. Again? What the hell? He came here for a fuck, he's had it. Why does he want to go through that again?!
Do it again Christian.
Get out Sy.
It's all he can manage to say.
Do it... again.
He takes a step towards him, he isn't asking him. He's telling him. He can't explain why but he needs him like that again. He needs to feel the overwhelming thirst he had just a few minutes ago. He needs him inside of him like that again and he needs the fearlessness he felt when he prayed he'd never stop. Fuck not knowing if it meant anything to Christian, right now he didn't care. Right now all he needs is to be fucked by him again. And he needs it to be rough.
Dominant. That's the only word Christian can think of to describe Syed in this moment. He's totally dominant over him and it's stirred a lust in Christian he hasn't felt since their first night together. It's clear now that everything Christian was thinking a few moments ago were nothing but figments of his imagination. He'd thought up the worst possible outcome and convinced himself it was true. Only it wasn't. He came here for him. He wanted to be with him. He wanted to be fucked by him and, hearing him saying that he wanted it again brought a wave of relief over Christian. He hadn't hurt him; he hadn't been too rough. Fuck, he loved didn't he?!
The slow strut of his legs over to him delay the inevitable. He won't resist him, he knows he cant. Fuck, he doesn't even want to so why would he even try to?! He's about to fuck this man again, his one true mate and he cannot fucking wait. But he can't let Syed have all the power. He can still have his fun with him and a dominant Syed is a distracted Syed. He's so focused on trying to keep up the charade that he wants the control that he forgets his own mind and Christian loves knowing this. Keeping his poker-faced expression steady, making sure he gives nothing away as to exactly what's running through his mind, he stops in front of him, inches away from him, the tips of their noses almost touching.