June 7th, 99 ADD
She's fucking wrong. She's wrong about all of it. There's no such thing as a fucking compliment or kindness or niceness- it's all just a lie. She just wants me to open up to her so that she knows what to use against me later. She has no fucking right. She's just another liar, trying to pretend she gives a shit about me so that she can use me. I'm not the one being used. She is. She is. She is.
Or maybe it's even better, and she's not a liar at all. She really believes there's such a thing as kindness and she's about to find out otherwise. I bet she tells herself the same things I used to. It's okay that Mother doesn't love me because someone else will. It's fine that Mother loves Asaki and not me because someday I'll have someone, too. I'll win the Games and she'll care. I'll get my own life and then it won't matter if she cares. I bet Amar tells herself the same things, except it's even worse because she has even more people in her life who don't love her. Imagine being that fucking unloveable.
No, I already learned what Amar's still figuring out. People don't give a fuck about you. Everyone is selfish and looks out for themself. She can think I'm looking out for her as long as she wants but eventually she'll find out otherwise. I'll go out there tomorrow morning and smile and say I'm sorry and let her believe me.
Shit like this almost makes me glad that Hideo left. At least he had the decency to show me what the world was like so I don't fall for Amar's bullshit. I'm not falling for it twice.
Arena tomorrow.
K.A.