Garfield on Garfield

"Okay, stop the music," Garfield said as he stepped into the scene and in front of the title page. "Let's just get on with this, okay?"

Addressing the fourth wall he announced, "Hi all you viewers out there. It's time for another special episode again."

Somewhere he could see a TV viewer picking up the remote to change the channel. Garfield waved his arms frantically.

"Whoa, hold it!" he said, "I said a special episode, not a very special episode. Don't worry, it's not educational. Well, sort of."

He heaved a sigh of relief as he saw the remote control lowered.

"That's better," he said. "Now, a lot of you have been writing into this show with your questions about me." He flashed a smug cat smirk and added, "Appreciate it." The backdrop with the episode title was pulled up, and revealed a pile of envelopes stacked to the ceiling of the set. "So the network decided it was time to do a show in which yours truly, answers your most burning questions about, well, me."

Garfield turned to the pile and picked one up. "Let's see where to start..." he ripped open the envelope and read the letter, "This one's from Zulu Lollabrigida in Walla Walla, Washington." Garfield looked to the camera and added, "Try saying that three times fast." He peered down at the letter again. "Zulu writes, 'If all dogs are supposed to be stupid like Odie, how come I can hear all the other dogs on the show thinking, except Odie?'" Garfield looked to the 4th wall. "Good question, Zulu, and here's the answer. All dogs are stupid, it just turns out that Odie is the dumbest of them all."

As if on cue, Odie ran into the scene, yipping happily and slurping.

"See what I mean?" Garfield asked.

Odie slurped Garfield, his large tongue slowly dragging up the side of Garfield's face and covering him with doggy drool.

"Yuck! One moment."

Garfield walked out of frame and the sound of a blow dryer could be heard, then he walked back into view. "Onto the next burning question."

Selecting another envelope, Garfield removed the letter and read it. "This one's from Marie del Fungo in Portland, Oregon. 'If Nermal is supposed to be a boy, why does he have a girl's voice?'" Garfield's eyes got big and he slowly craned his neck to look to the 4th wall again. "Don't they have school teachers for these kinds of questions anymore?"

Discarding the letter, Garfield proceeded, "Okay, short answer is Nermal has a girl's voice because he's still a kitten and hasn't reached puberty yet, plus it sells the 'cuteness' of the whole disgusting thing." He stuck his tongue out with a resounding, "Bleck!" Then added, "But the long answer is," Garfield reached behind him, grabbing the scenery and peeled it back, revealing a beautiful woman standing in a sound booth holding sheets of paper in front of a microphone, "Desirée Goyette does the voice of Nermal. For those of you who aren't old enough to remember the original broadcasts and who haven't bought the VHS tapes, Desirée Goyette has done the female vocals on all the songs for all of our half hour specials starting way back with 'Here Comes Garfield' in 1982. We were very fortunate to get her for the job back then and she's been a member of our family ever since. She's the only one who can do true justice to Nermal's line..."

The woman behind him exclaimed into the microphone, "Hi Garfield!"

"AHHH!" Garfield jumped for the ceiling and landed back on the floor a couple seconds later with a satisfied smile on his face. "Yep, if it wasn't for Miss Goyette, Nermal would've been a one-time character whom Abu Dhabi would not have returned for insufficient postage." He pulled the scene back into place. "Hope that explains it. Moving on."

Reaching into another pile of letters, Garfield opened another one and read, "Paul Welker in Wisconsin wants to know 'Why does Garfield hate Monday since he doesn't have to go to school or work?'" Garfield crumbled up the letter and pitched it behind him, addressing the 4th wall. "Excellent question, Paul. Many of you don't remember this, but before I was a beloved Saturday morning cartoon, I started out as a newspaper comic strip. Now my creator, Jim Davis, had already started the 'I Hate Monday' running gag in 1978, but there was in fact one comic, May 28th, 1979, in which I wake up proclaiming-"

The scene turned fuzzy like the dream sequences on the show, and instead it showed a slightly different Garfield with pointier ears and a less round body as he shut off his alarm clock and commented, "Oh, goody, it's Monday morning." Looking to the 4th wall he added, "I love Monday mornings. You know why?" He sat up in his bed, closed his eyes smugly and gestured to himself with both thumbs as he proclaimed victoriously, "Because I don't have to go to work!"

The scene turned fuzzy again and returned to the present.

"Jim and I had some creative differences," Garfield said, "I thought he should've opened with that one and segued into the 'I hate Monday' narrative later on. But Jim Davis wasn't content to just break the mold of comic strips starring dogs. He thought I'd be more relatable to the public as a person in a cat suit. So even though yes it's true I don't go to school and on my show I don't have a job, everybody can relate to me saying 'I hate Mondays'. Besides, check any calendar, the day everything always goes wrong, it's Monday...even if it happens on a Wednesday, it's an extra Monday disguising itself."

"This is getting to be kind of fun," Garfield commented as he pulled out another envelope and read the letter.

"Little Timmy Breckenridge in Altoona wants to know 'Since all Garfield does is eat and sleep on his show, why is he doing commercials telling kids to eat right and exercise?'" Garfield dryly looked to the 4th wall and let the letter drop to the floor. "The short answer is contractual obligations. But for Timmy and all the kids like him at home, here's the long answer. If I had it my way, I would just eat and sleep all day, but if you've actually watched my show, you know that's not the case. "

Garfield turned to the side and a film screen had appeared as if by magic, actually courtesy of the props department.

"Roll film!" Garfield bellowed as he reached up and pulled down a shade to kill the lights.

There was a click and a cartoon clip started playing of 'TV of Tomorrow' showing Garfield in a green track suit and sneakers, running through traffic.

"Remember this episode? They had me testing out a jogger TV so you could watch your favorite shows while you were out running," Garfield said, "and just my luck, my stunt cat was out sick that week, so I actually had to jog six blocks through traffic jams and fire trucks. Here's another example."

That film stopped and another clip started playing from Garfield's Halloween Adventure when he and Odie were dressed up as pirates trick or treating.

"Odie and I had to walk all around town that night, to say nothing of running for our lives, and then once we got the boat back across the lake, we had to walk all the way home, my paws were killing me by the end of the shoot. And here's another."

The clip was replaced again, this time with the opening scene from the episode, 'Don't Move'.

"In a lot of these cartoons, I'm walking all over town to get to wherever the jokes are," Garfield explained, "We only get driven around in Jon's car when the plot demands it, the rest of the time the writers dictate that I walk...so I walk. And then consider how many times in cartoons I set up some elaborate prank, you only see bits and pieces of me gathering all the necessary household items and putting everything in place, but try it sometime, it's a lot of work!" the orange cat exclaimed with a tired huff. "And how about all those cartoons that have me stupidly wind up in a tree? Actually climbing the tree isn't so exerting, but staying up there is, and it requires massive upper body strength to hang onto a tree limb. In the comic strips I would be hanging from a tree branch for a whole week sometimes, there's a workout in and of itself. So, even though I don't like exercise, I actually get a lot of it. Think about it, how exciting would a cartoon be if I actually did only eat and sleep all day? That'd be my dream job, but it's just not possible for the writers to bring every single adventure into the living room. Now as to the other part of the question, let's make one thing clear, there's nothing wrong with eating healthy, as long as you actually eat something."

Garfield replaced the cartoon clip with a slide still showing him in the kitchen with a mammoth sandwich in his hands.

"When you see a sandwich like this, you can always see lettuce and tomatoes hanging out the side of the bread," Garfield pointed to the screen, "but what they don't show you is inside the sandwich there're also onions, peppers, and cucumbers, see? Vegetables. Likewise, any pizza is good, but my favorite has everything on it, including peppers, onions, olives and mushrooms. Boom, vegetables. And if you pay attention during our show, you know that I love fruit," Garfield switched to a new set of slides taken from several episodes, "See? Me eating an apple...me eating watermelon...me eating grapes...and of course the classic setup for an old joke, me eating bananas. There's nothing wrong with eating healthy foods, as long as that's not all you eat. It's called a balanced diet for a reason, you eat all the stuff that tastes good to balance out all the stuff that's..." he cringed, "ugh, good for you. There's a reason in one of our quickies I was playing in the oatmeal instead of eating it. Bleck!"

Garfield took out another letter and his eyes rolled to the side, then back, and again, "And on that note, we've also actually gotten several letters from kids who think it might be fun to recreate Jon's diet and exercise routine from the episode 'Weighty Problem'. We don't usually do a PSA in the show but I feel obligated to talk about this one. First of all, you may have noticed that we've used the joke several times about being put on a diet so strict that lunch consists of one half of a lettuce leaf. Please realize this is only done for comedic purposes and should not be attempted in real life in any way. Kids, do you know how many calories are in half a leaf of lettuce? Between half a one, and none. NONE. Now that may sound like a great idea to lose weight, but the older kids watching this are learning in school that calories aren't just something that make you gain weight, it's actually a unit of energy in your food. So if you tried to eat just half a leaf of lettuce for lunch, you would be running on zero energy all afternoon.

"Again, part of the reason yours truly eats so much in the cartoons is because the writers are going to have me running all over town on all kinds of crazy adventures, so even I," Garfield placed the tips of his fingers on his chest in a pointing gesture, "as a cartoon character need energy to run on. So kids," Garfield looked to the 4th wall somberly, "please, don't get any ideas about starving yourself, stick with a balanced diet, three square meals a day...well, sometimes they're round, like pancakes, and pizza, and hamburgers," Garfield's tongue started lolling out of his mouth and his eyes developed two colored rings that pulsated alternately like a neon sign, "and pot pies! And big bowls of spaghetti, and meatballs! And doughnuts! And cinnamon rolls and...cakes! And..." Garfield squeezed his eyes shut and put his paws over his ears as if trying to ward something off. "I can't take it! I gotta get something to eat!" He went down on all fours, wiggled his tail and leapt out of frame. The next few seconds passed with only the sound of a continuous ravenous munching and chewing and swallowing filling the set.

A few seconds later Garfield reentered the frame dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.

"Like I said," he commented, the words muffled and his cheeks still full as he chewed. He paused to swallow and said in a clear voice, "A balanced diet, very well balanced."

Garfield patted his stomach a couple times before returning to the matter at hand.

"The other side of it, Jon's workout routine, do we remember how that worked? Jogging into an open manhole, doing aerobics so rapidly he could've flown south for the winter, being catapulted through the wall by the weight machine...kids, does any of this actually sound like fun to you?" He shook his head. "I didn't think so. If you want to exercise, that's great, everybody can use some, some could use more than others, by all means when you're not watching my show, go outside and drive your neighbors crazy. Go take a hike, go roller skate, go jump rope, go play on the jungle gym, play badminton in somebody's front yard, play basketball in somebody's driveway, or just to make your parents faint, go mow the lawn. Hey, chores are exercise, that's why I don't like doing them either. Now, will doing any of that make you look like a bodybuilder? No," Garfield shook his head, then shrugged his shoulders as he added, "but think about it, do you really want to be one of those guys with a waist that's smaller than his IQ? Remember that show we did with Rick Deltoid, the fitness instructor? Yeah, that guy. Trust me kids, nobody likes a guy like that."

Looking at the pile again, Garfield pulled out another envelope and opened it.

"Tina Fortuna in Orlando writes, 'Dear Garfield, why did you used to be so much fatter in the original comics?'" Garfield's ears folded back and he glared at the camera. "Insensitive much, Tina? Well, a simple answer is...it was baby fat since I was a new cat at the time. Next question." He opened another envelope and read, "Danny Thomas...no relation to the actor...says, 'I heard Odie's ears were originally black in the comics but were changed to brown since Snoopy has black ears...why then do both Garfield and Linus van Pelt in "Peanuts" have a blue blanket?' Interesting question, Danny, and there's a good reason for that."

At that time, Linus van Pelt silently walked into the scene carrying his trademark blue blanket and wordlessly handed it off to Garfield, then turned around and walked off.

"The props department decided to save money by having us trade off with the same blanket," Garfield answered as he held it up, "he gets it when they do their shows, I get it when we do mine." Garfield realized he was still holding the letter, scanned over it and added, "Danny Thomas also wants to know, 'Why don't you and Snoopy ever team up and do a show together?'" Garfield grinned a large, toothy, sheepish grin and answered, "Well, he...doesn't have my phone number." Clearing his throat he added under his breath, "And he'd want top billing since he's been around longer..." Raising his voice again, "Moving on."

The pile showed no signs of dwindling as Garfield pulled out another letter, "Billy Beaman in Kansas City, Missouri, wants to know 'Why doesn't your Halloween special ever get played on TV anymore?'" Garfield crumpled up the letter and tossed it behind him, smiling straight at the camera, "Billy, you are not alone. We actually get a lot of letters requesting 'Garfield's Halloween Adventure' since it hasn't been rerun in several years. For some reason the network decided instead to do certain episodes of our Saturday morning cartoon show with spooky and supernatural elements: 'Fraidy Cat', 'Mystic Manor', 'Unreal Estate', and of course the episodes Garfield's Tales of SCARY STUFF!" Once the resonating died down, Garfield resumed his simple smile and added, "Personally I'd prefer showing a rerun and I can take a week off. It's not easy being a cat, you know."

Garfield opened another envelope and read, "Marcia Feldman wants to know 'Why is Jon made out to be such a geek? He seemed fairly normal in the original comics'. Well, Marcia, the truth of the matter is, Jon Arbuckle was always a geek, it was just harder to tell because everybody used to dress that way. Moving on..."

Another letter. "Katherine Edelman in Jonesboro, Arkansas, wants to know 'When are you and Arlene going to get married?'" Garfield's eyes got big in a panicked expression. "Uh...next question."

Skimming over another letter, Garfield's face took on a more relaxed expression as he read, "Julie Winslow in Akron, Ohio, wants to know 'When is Jon going to get married?' Just as soon as they invent a robot woman who enjoys a good challenge, Julie."

Another letter. "T.J. Peckinpah in Chicago, Illinois asks 'Why is lasagna your favorite food?' Easy, it's nature's most perfect food. Besides, blame Jim Davis, he got the idea one day...and ever since he's been complaining he should've chosen pizza instead since it's easier to draw." Garfield smirked mischievously."

"Well folks, that's all the time we have for this segment, now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nap. Like I said, being me, and doing this show, it's a lot of work!"

Garfield exited stage left in a cloud of dust and zoomed straight over to his bed and dove under the blanket and was immediately snoring as he hugged his teddy bear, Pooky.