June 14th, 99 ADD
I would wait to write until nighttime, but Amar is gone for a bit and I have a lot on my mind.
I read last night's entry back and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Why did I tell her about him? And about Mother? And how was I so fucking stupid that I said it not only to Amar, but to everyone? There's no way they didn't get that on camera. The whole fucking country has to have seen it by now. Mother. Asaki. Hideo. Aurelia. Everyone.
She took advantage of me, right? She waited until she saw me in pain and then got everything out of me. She made me look weak. How could she? Everything I've fucking worked for, and now the whole country knows about my stupid little fling. Mother must be furious about what I said about her. If there's one goddamn thing I've learned from that woman, it's to maintain appearances, and I couldn't even do that. I think I said she doesn't care about me. It's true, but I shouldn't have said it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
And then this morning, Amar acted like everything was completely fine. She was asking about my leg, offering to do inventory and figure out breakfast- as if I was going to let her pull the same bullshit we did on the other Careers! No, I saw everything we have and we split it equally. She's not pulling a fast one on me again. And she still hasn't dropped the act, like everything is normal and fine and she didn't wait until I had a stab wound to make me look like an idiot in front of the entire country.
I don't like this. I don't fucking like it at all. I don't like how fucking smug she is. I don't like this sense that she knows me. I was happy when no one cared. I was happier before I told her about the one person I did care about, and now she thinks I care about her too but I DON'T. I CAN'T. I don't care about her fucking sister or her parent's divorce and I don't know WHY she felt like I would but she did and it made me think maybe she would care about what I had to say and now I can see that I was a fucking idiot.
Amar doesn't CARE. She's no different than anyone else. She used me. She wanted to look good taking care of a weak ally- she wanted to seem charitable and whatever other bullshit, but she's not. She's no different than anyone else and I would know. She doesn't really care about me, because no one cares about me, because no one ever cares, and all they do is leave or even worse they stay and show you just how much they don't care every single day. But I know better and I am better. She's only looking out for herself because that's what everyone does, and that's what I'm going to do too.
Amar got the better of me yesterday. I can admit that. But it's not fucking happening again.
K.A.