June 26th, 99 ADD

Aurelia has finally recovered my journal from the Gamemakers. I admit, it's nice to have this back.

I won the Hunger Games last week.

It's still sort of strange to see those words on the page. I keep staring at them.

I've been recovering ever since. If I'm being honest, there's a lot I don't remember. Aurelia has told me what happened, but she hasn't let me see the footage, and I don't remember much of anything after I was struck by lightning. Just bits and pieces. I don't remember getting here, either.

I do remember Amar, though. I think about Amar a lot. I've read everything I wrote in here, and I'll admit it's painful to reread. I've never lost control like I did in the arena, and I wish Amar hadn't been on the other end of it. I think I was more scared of knowing Amar was telling the truth than lying. I've had a lot of time to lay here and think about what I did to Amar.

I know that eventually, for me to win, Amar had to die. I wouldn't change the fact that I won. But I think I would change the part where I told Amar she wasn't my friend before I killed her. I was scared of her. And myself. I shouldn't have been scared of her. I was right to be scared of myself.

I hope she knew I was lying. Lying was easier. It was something I was better at.

I've been sleeping a lot. When I first got here, in this hospital room, I kept having this dream. When the nurse would come in, it was Hideo. He was the age he'd be now. He changed the bandages for my burns and checked my broken ankle and washed my face, but when I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't say anything back. He just smiled at me sadly. Then he left. I had that dream three times. I wish I would have it again.

But I'm also glad I stopped having that dream, and I wish I could stop thinking about Amar. I wish they would both leave me alone. They wanted to show me what it was like to not be alone, and I was happier before I knew what that felt like. I'm better off alone, both for myself and other people. All kindness does is show you what you're missing, and that's not kindness at all. That's torture. That's selfish. Caring and being cared for is a weakness and, despite trying so hard not to, I've cared and suffered for it. I need to stop caring. I need to get rid of my emotions entirely, like I used to.

I want to go home. I probably could've left the hospital yesterday, but Aurelia forced the doctors to give me another day. She used the tattooing as leverage. I don't mind the pain as much anymore, at least, and I was unconscious during the initial procedure. Aurelia has apologized for it six times. She told me that the media loved the scar patterns the lightning left on my skin. Apparently, it's a trending tattoo in the Capitol right now. So they had the pattern- I've been told they're Lichtenberg figures- tattooed on me, to make sure the scar doesn't fade. Apparently it boosts the "conqueror of the storm" moniker they've given me, too.

I've told Aurelia I don't really care about it, because I don't, but she yelled at the doctors anyway. Honestly, if it helps everyone ignore the part where I lost control of myself, the tattoo is fine by me. I think that's why they gave it to me. It's easier to praise someone who survived a storm than someone who was the storm. If the lightning tattoo helps them do the former, then I'll take it.

But Aurelia's been here a lot. She was here when I woke up, and she's usually here for at least a few hours a day, if not more. She's always asking if I need anything, which I usually say no to. Most of my medical issues are much better already, thanks to Capitol medicine. They're still sending a medical bag home with me, though, which they apparently do for most Victors. Instead, I ask her to keep me updated on the media, and when my interview is, and when I can go home. Thankfully, the Capitol has been pushing the "storm conqueror" thing instead of my behavior at the end of the Games. When I do my interview, I'll need to downplay several moments as well. I'm not some madman, as some sources are suggesting. I need to do some reputation management.

Aurelia is stopping by soon, and I've been writing for a long time, so I'm going to stop now. I'm exhausted. Hopefully I'll sleep again soon. Maybe I'll dream about Hideo again. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't want to. Hideo is gone, and so is Amar, and that's for the best for everyone.

K.A.