July 2nd, 99 ADD
Hideo is in the Capitol. He's in the Capitol. This changes everything. He didn't leave, he was taken. He didn't leave me. I have to get him back.
It all seems so much clearer now. It's Mother. It's always been Mother making me miserable and telling me how to spend my time and not letting me fucking breathe. I never want to see her again. If she hadn't made me train, and go into the Games, and taken Hideo away, I could've been happy. Because if Hideo didn't leave, that means I did have someone, and people can really care, and I wasn't stupid for caring, right? People can really be like that. Mother was the one always telling me otherwise.
Maybe Hideo really cared, and Amar really cared, and Aurelia really cares. Maybe Mother just hasn't been letting me see it. I think Mother's fucking wrong. I think this is my chance. Maybe with her out of my life, I can be loved for once. Maybe I could've been, if she didn't send him away. Maybe I could've appreciated Amar if I believed she meant everything she said, and I know she did but I convinced myself otherwise, but maybe knowing that would've stopped me from trying to destroy her. Mother ruined me, and that turned into ruining Hideo and Amar, too, and I know I sound like I'm losing it again but I'm not. I know what I'm doing. This is my chance to never see her again and be my own person and be cared about. I can let myself be cared about.
I tried to stop caring, but I do. I hate Mother. I care about this. And I can't keep bullshitting about it anymore.
As soon as Aurelia left, I ran upstairs and went through the medical bag they sent home with me. There was a note. He was really there.
I want him back. I want Amar back, too, but I can't fix that. So I have to get Hideo back.
I keep rereading his note. I can't believe he's real.
I'm going to get Hideo back if it's the last thing I do.
K.A.