Chapter title comes from "Missing, Missing" or "Mitsukannai Mitsukannai" by Kikuo
General reminder that Theo's pronouns are she/it!
VI.
We're the Empty Ones, Aren't We?
The training building was far larger than Theo had anticipated. Never being allowed a glimpse inside from the comfort of home, the scale of it all instilled a renewed sense of wonderment and excitement in Theo that it wasn't sure the rest of the pre-arena schedule could live up to. Sure, interviews would be interesting to sit through, and Theo would be dressed up in something nice, but nothing could beat a grand training room with countless stations inside.
District Two was going to ace the training portion of this Quell.
"I'll stick by the spear station," Theo announced. It looked back at Theo and Bellatrix—Ajax had already wandered off without them, gravitating to the bow station. "Char, you stick with Trixie and get her used to some of the weapons. I'll handle self-defence when you're done with her."
Char had his hands on his hips as he looked at Bellatrix. "Sound good to you?"
"Hey, you guys are the experts." Bellatrix held her hands up in surrender. "I'm just the gal who hits things with a hammer."
"And that's excellent," Theo assured her. She turned to face Bellatrix fully, smiling broadly at the girl. "You might not have formal training, but you're in top form thanks to the blacksmithing. You know how to hold something firmly, and I don't know if it'll come in handy, but you've got those, um… Char, what's it called when someone can reach into a hot pan without feeling a burn?"
"Asbestos fingers."
"Those! I'll bet you've developed those over time."
Bellatrix hummed. She held up one hand, examining her fingers, and she nodded once.
"I suppose I might," she said eventually.
Char looked at Theo and then nodded past it, to the spear station.
"Are you going to just handle the spears until Trixie's ready?" he asked.
Theo nodded. "I don't want to show my hand with anything else," it told him. That was something everyone had drilled into them once they hit a certain threshold at the Academy; don't ever show your full skillset at training, only one facet you can afford to show that you want to hone until the last minute. Besides, Theo still had to convince the trainers to let her teach Bellatrix some combat moves. The last thing she wanted was for Bellatrix to be put through a hand-to-hand cram lesson that didn't stick, especially when Bellatrix could just learn simple throwing and punching lessons. The less complicated the lesson for Bellatrix, the easier Theo could teach her to defend herself.
"Alright. Well, let's get started. Trixie, if you'll follow me." Char bowed and gestured dramatically towards the stations on his left. Both he and Bellatrix wandered off to the first station—swords, of course—and Theo watched as Bellatrix was shown which size of sword would suit her best. And when she pointed to a claymore hanging on the wall for decoration, Char let out a loud laugh.
It was an almost heart-warming sight. Maybe even a little nostalgic. And with the way Bellatrix clicked so easily with Char, it reminded Theo of when Daphne would train with them at the Academy.
Theo stared at them as it stood by the spear station, almost caught up in the sight of it all, and as she stared, she noticed a familiar cascade of blonde hair approach them with a wave. Theo was surprised to see Truffle on their own and approaching Char and Bellatrix, but when Char brightened at the sight of the blonde on her own, Theo relaxed a little. Introductions were made to Bellatrix, and Theo could see Truffle offer insights to the swords before picking up a longsword for themselves and moving to the training dummies.
At least the alliance was getting along, Theo thought. And if Bellatrix approved of Truffle, surely she'd approve of Saffron as well.
Theo turned back to the spear station and picked up a glaive from the rack. It weighed the glaive, mostly the blade, and gave it a test spin before nodding to itself. As Theo expected, anything related to a polearm was like an extra limb to Theo. Maybe a little bit of testing with the glaive first, she thought, and then she could move on to the naginata and pike.
As Theo moved towards the dummies and tested out the glaive, spinning and twirling with it like a dancer on a stage, each dummy was cut down in uneven chunks before her. Theo counted five before glancing back at the sword station—Bellatrix was doing a pretty good job at getting used to a sword, but she was awkward all the while—and she caught Char's eye from behind Bellatrix. He nodded once, though with an uncertain expression, and Theo nodded back in kind. Even it could see that Bellatrix was probably more suited for something else, and it nodded to another station nearby: The knife station. Char pursed his lips, still uncertain, but ultimately nodded back once again and wrapped up his lesson with Bellatrix. This wasn't supposed to be a search for what Bellatrix felt most comfortable wielding, anyway; it was more to give her a feel for how each weapon performed and how to use them safely.
Bellatrix looked relieved to be moving on, flexing the hand that'd been holding her sword, and she chatted with Truffle briefly as the blonde paused impaling a dummy with their sword briefly. Char cleaned up responsibly, despite the trainer's protests, and he waved the man off with a smile as he put the swords in the exact places he'd found them in.
"Excuse me," came a voice nearby.
Theo was startled, immediately jumping into a defensive stance with the glaive. In kind, the person who'd called out to her did the same—though in their hands was a trident rather than a glaive, and Theo was impressed by how smoothly the newcomer matched its movements.
When the person's face registered, Theo immediately relaxed and stood normally. It planted the butt of the glaive onto the floor, one hand removed from the pole in order to appear unguarded. It was hard to forget the face of Cyanea Leone, especially when Birdella had told her to seek out Cyanea and Khoi specifically when Theo asked for ideas on allies, and Theo immediately smiled down at her as Cyanea relaxed in kind and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Sorry about that," Theo laughed awkwardly. "I wasn't paying attention."
"I noticed," Cyanea said, blunt and unamused. She kicked her toes against the floor as she sucked in her lips. "You mind clearing the area? If you're not using it."
"Oh!" Theo looked around and quickly nodded. "Right! Sorry—I'm still using this area."
Cyanea didn't look too pleased to hear that. "Kinda rude to hog one station, isn't it?"
"I'm sure there's plenty of room for both of us. We can divide it evenly."
That made Cyanea scrunch up her face. She leaned the trident against her chest and neck, letting out a small grumble, and Theo wasn't able to catch what she said. It leaned closer, almost about to ask what she'd said, but Cyanea let out a loud groan of a sigh and cut Theo off as soon as it opened its mouth.
Oh. This was how some of the others at the Academy acted when they thought Theo was wasting their time. Theo remembered this kind of reaction very clearly—mostly because it'd be followed by Char throwing his wooden sword across the room at them before Theo confronted them and proved it wasn't wasting anyone's time.
Theo blinked at Cyanea and tilted its head.
"You're annoyed," she said.
"I'd like to practise my throws," Cyanea said sharply. "I can't do that when there's a moving target I'm not allowed to hit yet."
Theo hummed once, short and light. "What a coincidence," Theo drawled. "I was just about to practise mine too."
Cyanea looked it up and down. She took a step back, one hand propped on her hip, and she actually seemed to be considering Theo's statement. It wasn't like Theo was actually about to start doing throws, but it knew this was the kind of thing people said when they wanted to show they could keep up with someone else in a challenge. If Cyanea wanted to do throws, Theo could match without hesitation.
So when Cyanea asked her, "You think you can keep up, twinkle toes?" Theo felt almost proud of herself.
"And then some," Theo joked. Cyanea was impressed by Theo's challenge, let out a small, oho, and gave Theo a lazy smirk.
"Them's fightin' words," she drawled. "Why don't we make it a bet? Make it like a game of darts—first to fifty, exactly fifty, wins."
Now there was an idea. Making a game of it was something Theo could get behind, and it'd always wanted to play darts. Maybe she should ask Gunner about it after training. For now, though, the game seemed pretty straightforward. The ranged targets were even marked with numbers on each ring, so ideally there'd only be five rounds for one of them to win.
"I'm open to that," Theo decided.
"Great. If I win, I get the spear station to myself for the rest of the training days. You aren't allowed to use it," Cyanea declared. Theo laughed softly, brows furrowed, and nodded in agreement. Alright, fair. If Cyanea wanted to wager that, Theo wouldn't stop her.
"If I win," Theo told her, speaking slowly, "you join my alliance. You and your partner."
Cyanea raised her brows, her expression guarded. "Even if you don't know Khoi's skills?" she asked.
Theo nodded.
"What about if they can't fight?"
Theo nodded even more fervently.
With a heavy sigh, Cyanea hung her head and waved dismissively. "Alright, whatever. We'll join your alliance. But only if you beat me."
"What weapons are we using?" Theo asked. Cyanea raised one brow and shrugged.
"Whatever we're comfortable with?" she tried. "I mean. Any of these bad boys can be thrown. And I'm measuring my score with the middle prong of the trident, so…"
Well, if it was whatever they were comfortable with, Theo could handle this easily. It nodded in agreement and walked over to the rack, setting the glaive back on it as Cyanea watched. Theo took a moment to assess the other polearms on display, eyes lingering on the qiang on display on a far rack, but in the end, Theo's choice was easy. She grabbed the javelin and weighed it in her hands, and with a confident smile, it walked back to Cyanea and nodded to her.
"First to fifty," it recited. "No higher."
"That's right," Cyanea said, smirking. "Let's see if you can keep up, twinkle toes."
In the end, despite scoring low for the most part in order to show off its precision, Theo won thanks to Cyanea accidentally totalling at fifty-two.
The challenge had been fun, fun enough that Theo was able to forget about the deal she'd made with Cyanea, and when the game came to an end with Theo's victory, Theo had to think for a moment about what she'd asked of Cyanea. Despite Cyanea's loss, Theo was still determined to bring her to the alliance—no, more determined, because now it knew how good she was with a trident at long range. It didn't matter what Khoi couldn't fight, like Cyanea had asked; Theo could take care of them for a while, and Cyanea and Char could focus on the aggressive front while Theo handled defence with Bellatrix.
Theo smiled at Cyanea, excited. A small crowd of onlookers had come over to watch, keeping track and betting among themselves who would win. The girl from Seven was watching silently, the thirteen-year-old by her side and clinging like a shadow. Even one of the other tributes from Four was watching, impressed but ultimately frowning.
"You don't have to join the alliance if you don't want to," Theo told Cyanea as they put away their weapons. Cyanea gave it a disgruntled expression, unimpressed.
"I knew you didn't want Khoi in your alliance," she grumbled.
"No, no, not that." Theo cleared her throat and ran her hand through her hair. "It's just… I don't want to force you two to join us. I was mostly invested in making sure I could keep coming back to the spear station. Polearms are my bread and butter."
Cyanea hummed, dubious. She peered at the slowly dispersing crowd, seeming to be searching for someone, but she wasn't able to find who she was looking for. Maybe it was Khoi?
Theo did spot Saffron among the crowd, though, and she wasn't turning away like the others. Instead, Saffron was clapping excitedly as she hurried over to the duo with a broad smile. Cyanea appeared to check out of the conversation, simply standing there near them as they spoke instead of being part of it.
"That was great, Theo!" Saffron praised. "No wonder you're a volunteer from Two!"
"I put in a lot of work to get this far," Theo laughed, trying to be humble. But it really wanted to pat itself on the back for such a great competition. Even outside of its little fish tank in District Two, Theo was still proving to be the best with a spear—at least from a distance. Who knew how lethal Cyanea could be in melee combat with a trident? "What about you? I didn't see you with Truffle earlier?"
Saffron seemed sullen at the mention of separating from Truffle. "Oh, that… Truffle's better with longswords than I am, and the only thing I'm good at wielding is throwing knives and daggers. They wanted to practise swordplay for a bit while I did some target practice."
Cyanea grumbled to herself and walked off. She seemed to have found who she was looking for. Theo kept its eyes on Saffron though, and reached out to hold Saffron's hand. Saffron was taken aback by the gesture, but didn't pull away.
"I know the feeling," Theo confessed. "Only one of my friends is good with a polearm like me, but I like training with Char more. He's more suited for a cutlass than a javelin, though."
Saffron sniffed and gripped Theo's hand properly. "It's so unfair," she grumbled. "I wish me and Truffle could be more like the perfect twins. Did you know our parents practically forced her to dye her hair blonde so they could tell us apart?"
Forced them to dye their hair? Theo raised its brows and glanced at the sword station. Truffle was resting for a moment, wiping sweat from her forehead, and when they played with their hair for a moment, it seemed almost like a fond gesture. Maybe Truffle missed being a redhead?
"That's a shame," Theo said, genuinely apologetic. "I bet they looked great with red hair."
"Of course they would," Saffron insisted. "We're the same person. Anything that looks good on one of us looks good on the other."
The same person? Theo didn't comment on that. Maybe Saffron just meant that they were like the same person. She'd asked Birdella about twins who acted like this, and they'd said some twins like to switch places to play pranks on people and share everything with each other. It made sense if Truffle and Saffron were the same.
Saffron didn't seem to want to linger on the topic, though. She glanced around, mostly at the targets behind Theo, and tilted her head.
"So what did you two bet on?" she asked.
"How do you know we bet anything?"
"Because most careers from different Districts want to bet something during training," Saffron explained. "It's actually encouraged in One, to challenge people of similar skill sets. Helps us figure out who's better, but also gives us an idea of how honest they are. If you bet on who gets to kill a specific person first, and they break the bet, you know you can't trust them no matter what in the arena—and you also know if you can take them out on the spot for trying to cross you."
Theo opened its mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. "That's very violent…"
"Isn't the Hunger Games one big spectacle of violence, though?" Saffron shrugged. "So what'd you bet?"
Theo sniffed. "She wanted me to never use the station again if she won. I asked her to join the alliance if I won."
That made Saffron excited. She beamed up at Theo, eyes wide, and she bounced on the front of her feet a few times.
"Oh, that's so clever, Theo! And she can't double cross you in the alliance, because it's her against five!" Theo blushed a little at the praise, especially coming from Saffron after the redhead had just explained the more violent basics of bets in the Hunger Games. It felt good to be praised for something non-violent, though Saffron saying the Games were a spectacle of violence didn't sit right with Theo. It was more than just the violence, wasn't it…? "Did she agree?"
"I told her she and Khoi don't have to join if they don't want to…"
"What!?" Saffron's voice was loud, and Theo laughed nervously as it reached up for the braided yard around its neck. Calm down, Theo, Saffron would understand once you explained it…
"Well, I'm not about to strongarm her into joining," it explained. Saffron was staring up at her with a look of disbelief, almost unable to hear Theo's words. "And she seemed really worried about Khoi, the one who picked her to come to the arena, so I was thinking maybe I should just let her warm up to us over the next few days? I did say I wanted Khoi as well, but I guess she found that suspicious…"
Saffron was quiet as she stared up at Theo. Recognition seemed to register behind her gaze, and she hurriedly looked away from Theo as her eyes went wide. Saffron's hand pulled out of Theo's, almost like she'd been burned by the contact of skin, and Theo's heart jumped into its throat.
"Saffron?" Theo asked, voice quiet.
"I knew I recognised the kid from somewhere," Saffron muttered, more to herself. She looked at Theo, eyes still wide, but when she tried to smile it was an almost desperate kind of gesture. "Hey, Theo, let's not worry about Khoi and Cyanea joining the alliance. I think we're pretty solid with just us and Tuna, right?"
Saffron and Truffle managed to convince Fortuna? Wait, no, not the point. Theo blinked down at Saffron and asked slowly, "Why are we not worrying about Khoi and Cyanea?"
Saffron pursed her lips and looked away again, nervous.
"Saffron…"
Theo didn't enjoy it, but it busted out the mom voice. Saffron seemed to crumble at the tone, whining to herself a little, and folded her arms over her chest in an attempt to hug herself.
"I—" she tried. She tried to think of the right words to say. "I don't think Cyanea will want us near Khoi at all by the time she finds them."
"What do you mean?"
Saffron looked anxiously to the entrance of the training hall—to where Peacekeepers stood guard as trainers periodically checked in with them. Theo followed her gaze, confused; had they left training already? Bathroom break? Come to think of it, Theo thought as her eyes darted around the training hall, she hadn't seen any of the other career District tributes aside from its own alliance and Cyanea. Even Ajax was nowhere to be found now.
"Saffron," Theo said slowly. Saffron whined again, but nodded to show she heard it. "How long has Khoi been gone?"
Saffron hesitated. But then: "S—Since you and Cyanea started your bet. I saw them leave with the other Four tributes for a bathroom break. The Peacekeepers gave them a hall pass."
Theo didn't wait around. It sprinted away from the spear station, not even clocking where Char and Bellatrix were right now, and it beelined for the doors. The Peacekeepers stood at attention when Theo approached, already wary, but they soon relaxed and handed it a hall pass when Theo lied about needing to go to the bathroom desperately. Directions to a unisex bathroom were given, and Theo was told she'd be tracked by security cameras while out in the hall, but Theo wasn't paying much attention to the second part. All that mattered was rushing out of the training hall and sprinting down the corridor as fast as she could, eyes peeled for where Khoi might be.
Its lungs were burning as it ran, hall pass strung around her neck, and Theo could hear voices in the distance. But it wasn't until Theo heard a yelp and yelling that she pushed herself to run faster. The footage of the chariots showed Khoi as being the smallest of the Four tributes, and it didn't look like their fellow volunteer liked their declaration of love for Cyanea. Theo didn't understand why people found it easier to be unkind—but Theo understood when someone was about to be. Char had helped make sure of that much, if only to help Theo understand that not everyone wanted the same peace and tranquillity Theo dreamed of longingly.
Theo skidded along the corridor as it saw the bathroom sign hanging from the wall. The door was wide open, a camera trained on the entrance but not inside the bathroom itself, and Theo could see a group of five people crowded around someone in the bathroom itself. Theo recognised Fortuna among them, and the back of Ajax's head, but most important of all in the group was Montresor.
This guy really couldn't go anywhere without being aggressive.
Theo sprinted inside and grabbed the closest one of the group—the one right at the back—by the back of her training uniform. Theo braced itself, turning on her heel, and she flipped the girl over its shoulder and sent her flying out the doorway and into the corridor with a strong surge of strength. She screamed and rolled along the floor, crashing into the wall—just in time for the boy next to her to turn around, who Theo quickly grabbed by the ankles and knocked onto the floor with a yank. He was sent skidding out of the room and on top of the girl in the corridor as Theo swung him around, narrowly missing his head clipping the sink.
Fortuna was standing upright, surprised and holding up her hands in surrender. Ajax whirled around, raised a fisted to swing at Theo. Theo dodged it easily—Ajax was never good at hand-to-hand, according to Char, and it showed—and with a well-timed kick, Ajax was knocked into the unlocked toilet and crashed onto the seat with a loud cough.
Montresor had already turned around to face Theo. His elbow crashed into Theo's jaw, a soft crack sounding through her bone, and Theo flinched as her open palm flicked up to his throat. Montresor mistimed his block, but he did knock Theo's strike off-course.
Maybe for the worse.
Instead of his Adam's apple, Theo's palm landed on Montresor's jaw much like his elbow had on hers. But unlike Theo, Montresor didn't have his jaw shut when the blow landed. She heard his teeth clack together before he let out a loud scream of pain, and something too big to be considered a tooth flew out of his mouth as he screamed. A stream of blood followed, and as the object landed on the floor, Theo slowly realised it was the tip of his tongue.
"Oh my God!" Theo shrieked. "I'm so sorry!"
Before Theo could apologise some more, maybe even check on Khoi before calling for help, Montresor backhanded it so hard that Theo saw stars. Theo stumbled back, stunned, and staggered a little as it saw Ajax crawl out of the stall.
The boy and girl from the corridor were back in the bathroom immediately. They tackled Theo trying to take her down, but Theo kept her footing as best as possible. No more violence, it thought. It only had to get Khoi out of here and back to Cyanea. And when Theo glanced behind Montresor to try to look at Khoi, Theo felt her heart lurch.
Their face was barely recognisable, swollen and bloodied and covered in tears and snot. They were nursing their arm, which was red and swollen at the wrist, and Khoi was practically curled up in a ball in their attempt at shielding themself.
Ajax crashed into Theo, finally forcing her to stumble, and Theo felt all four of their bodies crash into the sinks as its head hit the mirror. The resounding crunch in the back of her skull made her flinch, and Theo was once again seeing stars as the three heavy bodies on top of it began to take its toll. Montresor was still trying to stop his tongue from bleeding, yelling in anger all the while, and Fortuna was hovering near Khoi with wide, frightened eyes. Not towards Montresor, Theo noted with dawning horror, but towards Theo.
And then Fortuna did the exact thing Theo had hoped she would do—pull Khoi up to their feet by force and drag them out of the room before Montresor could recover quick enough to stop them.
Shards from the mirror dug into Theo's head as she was dragged along the sink by the trio. Montresor was yelling after Fortuna, livid and forgetting Theo was even there, and she saw him dart out in pursuit of Fortuna and Khoi before things started to get fuzzy again. Theo was struggling to breathe, the duo from Four pushing down on its chest, and the throbbing in its head made it hard to concentrate.
Ajax was yelling, Theo knew that much. Yelling about something, Theo wasn't sure what, and all Theo could do was try to argue back, "Pick on someone your own size."
No doubt what came out was more akin to a garbled mess of sounds trying to masquerade as words.
And then, in the blink of an eye, more people were yelling. The tributes climbed off of Theo as white spectres entered the bathroom, light shining down on the group as they crowded each tribute. Theo groaned and tried to sit up as air filled its lungs, but one spectre poked something hard into her chest and forced her back down. Theo felt a shard of glass actually break free of the mirror and dig deeper into her head. The back of its head felt far warmer than the rest of it, damp too, and Theo briefly wondered if someone had poured water on her.
And then Theo was out like a light, the spectre above her yelling louder and louder, yet more and more distant each time.
When Theo awoke, it was to a white ceiling and a bright light hovering above her.
It hissed and scrunched up its face, catching the attention of someone nearby, and as Theo tried to sit up, she saw someone in scrubs sprinting over with a small flashlight and a clipboard in each hand.
This had to be the infirmary, Theo thought. How many tributes got to say they wound up in the infirmary before arena events began?
"Oh my God," the doctor gasped. "Oh my— She's awake!"
More medical staff burst into the infirmary. The curtain around Theo's bed was drawn back, and Theo was surprised to see Gunner hurrying into the room with Birdella in tow.
The medical staff did their check ups, making sure Theo was able to respond, and then when it was given a relatively clean bill of health, they began to scold her. She knew fighting wasn't allowed among tributes before launch day. She knew there were cameras around the outside of the training room. Why couldn't Theo just be mindful?
"They were attacking Khoi," Theo tried to explain. But the medical staff wouldn't have any of it.
"You should tell a Peacekeeper," the nurse closest to it said.
"How long would it have taken them to get there?" Theo demanded. "They'd already been gone with a group of five people for at least twenty minutes!"
Theo's attempts to explain were shut down at each avenue. By the time only Theo, Gunner and Birdella were left in the infirmary, almost ten minutes of back and forth had occurred—and Theo was starting to lose steam. Its head still hurt, the stitches aching now that the painkillers were wearing off, and now that it was becoming obvious that all of these figures in the Capitol who held far more power than her were telling her she did the wrong thing, Theo couldn't help doubting if what it did for Khoi was right. No one even said a word about whether or not Khoi and Fortuna got away from Montresor. Khoi wasn't even in any of the other beds in the room. And, Theo thought as it recalled the tip of Montresor's tongue landing on the bathroom tiles, neither was the leading bully himself.
Theo curled into a ball on the bed as the last nurse left the room with a final scolding. Tears pricked at her eyes, the swarm of doubts conflicting with her desire to protect someone in need, and all Theo could think as she began to drown was whether she'd done the right thing for Khoi, not the right thing from Theo's perspective.
A small, soft hand landed on Theo's shoulder. Birdella climbed onto the bed, tiny enough to fit with the statuesque Theo, and they pressed a small kiss to Theo's scalp while being mindful of the stitches.
"Birdella," Gunner said, wary.
"Theo views kisses the way we view hugs," Birdella explained. "I'm giving Theo a hug in the way its most comfortable."
At least Birdella had been paying attention, despite their protests about how unromantic Theo and Char were for not gawking over Khoi and Cyanea's kiss. Gunner shifted on his feet awkwardly, scrunching up his face, but eventually he caved in and sat down at the foot of the bed. The mechanical ring on his finger spun as he fidgeted with it, and Theo sniffed as it reached up to its neck.
The yarn wasn't there.
Theo pulled away from Birdella and frantically began to search the bed. Did it come off? No, there was no way Rhyol had tied it too loosely. Unless the nurses took it off Theo themselves? No, no, no—why would they touch the yarn and the signet ring if Theo's only injury was to its head?
It practically tore off the fitted sheet of the bed as it tuned out Birdella and Gunner asking what was wrong. They were distant voices, muffled under fathoms of deep water, and Theo couldn't understand a word. Where was the yarn? Where was its father's ring? Where was Theo's only connection to home?
Theo's chest ached as it curled up again and began to lose focus. Her hand reached up to her throat, grasping the flesh tightly, and Gunner's hands were on her. Pulling at Theo's wrists, grabbing Theo's face to try to see what was wrong—doing his best, but ultimately triggering more stress as Theo looked at his ring. Gunner had his ring. Gunner had his ring. Where was Alamo's ring? Where was Alamo's ring?
It barely registered Birdella jumping off the bed and rummaging through some drawers. More voices, angry and garbled, as flashes of blue and green entered the room and moved around. Yelling—from Birdella, a voice so grating that Theo clamped its hands over its ears and almost clawed open its stitches. Theo felt Gunner grab her wrist and pull it to his jacket, but the material wasn't right. It wasn't right. It wasn't right.
And then something just right brushed Theo's palm.
Theo was hyperventilating, lightheaded and sore, as its eyes darted from the bed, to Birdella, to Gunner—and then, finally, to its hand. That familiar braided velvet yarn necklace was being pressed into its palm by Birdella, and Alamo's signet ring dangled heavily against Theo's wrist.
While Theo couldn't hear what everyone was saying yet, still unable to decipher the words and sounds from each other, her focus latched onto the yarn as she rolled it between her palms and wrapped it around her fingers. This was better—correct. The yarn and ring were right where they were supposed to be: In Theo's hands, safe and sound.
Birdella was still yelling at the nurses who'd come back in, but Gunner put himself between Theo and Birdella so Theo could focus on stimming. Little by little, Theo was able to focus some more. Though it was hard to figure out what Birdella was screeching still, Theo was able to become more aware of Gunner's presence and look at him properly. Poor Gunner looked so frazzled, almost as stressed as Theo felt, and he was sweating as he tried to calm himself as well; but Birdella's screeching, something about touching a token without permission and accusations of tampering to make their tribute look bad at arena launch, was keeping his tension at an all time high.
Theo was still stuttering out breaths, but she was able to continue stimming with one hand as the other reached for Gunner's. His eyes went wide as he looked down at Theo's hand, wary and scared like a feral cat. But then he began to try to follow her breathing as Theo took in deliberate deep, long breaths—forcing itself to calm itself down now that the yarn had helped take the edge off. Gunner followed the squeezing of Theo's hand whenever she took in a deep breath, and when Theo relaxed, he let out the long sighs with progressively more pitiful expressions.
It wasn't just Theo who was in distress right now. She was Gunner's first tribute since Desdemona—and Gunner hadn't left his house or the Victors' Village since the last Quell at all. Theo could manage its stims on its own, used to having to calm itself and stop thinking for the barest of moments in order to compose itself; but Gunner probably didn't have that support, locked away in his room because of his crippling fear of prying eyes seeing into his very core.
They both desperately needed to stop being people for a spell, to reset their train of thought and become just a little more unaware of their consciousness. But from where Theo was standing, Gunner needed that more than she did right now.
"Birdella," Theo called weakly. Gunner was doing his breathing on his own, squeezing his eyes shut as he did so. Birdella was still yelling at the nurses, and Theo could see that this one was a nurse who hadn't been present for its scolding. "Birdella!"
Birdella whirled around, pastel pink and purple hair hitting them in the face as they did so. They only began to quieten down when they noticed Gunner in distress and Theo significantly calmer.
"Oh my," Birdella squeaked. They hurried to Gunner's side and rubbed his back soothingly. Gunner nodded hurriedly—Theo wasn't sure what he was trying to say, if he was trying to tell Birdella he was alright without having to use his words—and Birdella seemed to calm down a bit more. "Gunner, dear, I'm so sorry. Why don't you and Theo go back to the lobby? I'll be right behind you both, I promise."
Gunner was still nodding. He opened his eyes and stepped away, just enough to keep holding Theo's hand while giving her room to get off the bed. As soon as Theo was on her feet, a rush of lightheadedness hit her again—but Gunner wrapped an arm around Theo's waist and held it upright, still pacing his breaths as he nodded at Birdella again.
No one in the infirmary stopped them, but Theo was once again subject to the screeching of Birdella before the door even shut. "How dare you touch my kid's token! I could have your job, you no good, fresh out of med school hack—"
Theo had never been more thankful to not hear the conclusion to a conversation in its life.
Gunner tried to clear his throat and speak, but he was still catching his breath as they walked. Theo leaned on him and sniffed, head throbbing a little less, and it looked at the floor. Theo was ashamed—ashamed to have caused Gunner trouble, to have caused Birdella trouble, to have had such a meltdown over its yarn and ring being in a drawer next to the bed. Theo wondered if she was more trouble than she was worth; after all, now that everything was sinking in, Theo was far too aware of Char's presence being missing in the infirmary. Of everyone's, actually.
"I'm sorry—" Theo started.
Gunner forced himself to speak. "No sorries," he said slowly. He blinked a little and cleared his throat again. Whatever frog was stuck in there seemed to come loose. "You— You did nothing wrong. The Gamemakers are investigating the incident. Right now, you're not in the wrong."
"I shouldn't have attacked them," Theo tried.
"They shouldn't have attacked another tribute first."
"But was I any better?"
Gunner scrunched up his face. He looked down at Theo, brows furrowed. Not for the first time, Theo noticed how much he looked like a sad sausage dog whenever he made this face.
Eventually, after a moment of watching Theo and checking her over, Gunner mumbled, "Trust me. Peacekeepers would've dragged their feet to check."
He said it was so much pain in his voice that even Theo could tell he was speaking from personal experience. Theo stared up at Gunner, horrified, and asked, "What happened?"
Gunner's eyes were watering as he recalled the event. But he didn't say anything, instead shaking his head fervently.
"Not right now," he told Theo. "Maybe… Maybe when you win. Just… You did the right thing. Not like me." Gunner blinked hurriedly to rid himself of his teary eyes. "Better than me."
And for the first time since recalling Gunner's Games at the reaping, Theo dared to wonder if it was more than just what happened to Desdemona that he regretted. If maybe the girl he'd bribed to volunteer before Desdemona could had suffered somehow. If more than just the ghost of his arena days weighed on his shoulders like a heavy burden he could never shake.
If, just maybe, Theo had narrowly avoided that very same regret today.