Chapter title taken from "Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea" by MISSIO

Final chapter/epilogue for Theo and I hope I did your baby justice, LC! I had a lot of fun writing it and while my own verse was too tightly knit with its victors, I hope where I've put Theo helps her fit into your verse in a way somehow ;w;

Final reminder that Theo's pronouns are she/it, and think you everyone for reading through this monstrosity of a VE entry!

XIII.

Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea

"Will this be okay?" Birdella asked.

Theo looked away from the ceiling, over where Birdella stood quietly on their own, and she tried her best to smile for them. In a show of solidarity, all of them had worn black during their remainder at the Capitol and on their way home. Birdella was the only one to break pattern, though Theo gave it a pass—their whole gimmick was pastel colours, and Birdella made pastel purple look good with black. Gunner and Desdemona each lounged near Theo, their black suits unbuttoned and ties loose around their necks. Despite not being much of a drinker, Gunner was nursing a glass of wine that Desdemona had offered him.

On Theo's lap, the urn sat wrapped in velvet and undisturbed ever since it'd been handed over to her. It would stay undisturbed, if Theo had its way, until they returned to Two.

Birdella's concerns were more to do with the pendants they were carrying in a small wooden box. While Theo recuperated and fought over whether or not Char should be cremated, the Gamemakers had done their best to reassure it that his ashes would return to Theo immediately. In a moment of hasty selfishness, perhaps unwilling to let him go even as it arrived in Two again, Theo had also demanded pendants to put his ashes into. One for each of his loved ones, all of the highest quality and adorned with a single diamond on the front. The Gamemakers must've given the box to Birdella while the District Two team left the Capitol. Theo had assumed they'd hoped she'd forgotten, and was prepared to hold on to the grudge for the rest of its days.

"It's not up to me," Theo told them. Birdella approached and set the box on the nearby coffee table, and they sank into the couch with a sigh.

"What a messy Quell," they said eventually. Both Desdemona and Gunner raised their classes, almost to give cheers to the statement, and gulped down large portions of wine in tandem. "I was hoping the Gamemakers would let the last surviving pair win together. You hear so much about how long after a heart attack a person can be brought back to life, but they don't even give that much to the tributes."

"That's how the Games go," Theo muttered. "You don't stop at hurting someone, and you don't feel good about it." She glanced at Desdemona, and Desdemona pointedly avoided its gaze. "And that applies to the Gamemakers too."

The train came to a stop at District Two in the evening, and there weren't a lot of people allowed near Theo as it disembarked. Peacekeepers had to keep a lot of people at bay in order to make sure only Theo's parents could access the Justice Building. Desdemona and Gunner flanked Theo as they all moved in a group, but Birdella remained on the train to tearfully wave Theo goodbye.

"I don't know if they'll let me escort for Two next year!" Birdella called as the train began to move again. "But if I do, promise me we'll catch up again! I'll do my best to give your tributes everything they could ever ask for! I won't let them go without sponsors like you had to!"

Theo waved back and smiled, unable to answer. It hoped Birdella would come back to escort for Two again, but too many other factors got in the way. Ursula might come out of rehab better than ever, taking the place of escort for Two again for the foreseeable future, and Theo might not mentor for the rest of the years Birdella would be active. Like Gunner, Theo felt an overwhelming desire to rest. To hide. To forget. Just for a while. Only for a while.

Maybe when Theo was ready to mentor, Birdella might have helped enough kids to win to get a proper promotion to Two.

Alamo and Rhyol were all over Theo when the team entered the Justice Building. Alamo was careful to set Char's ashes on a nearby table before kissing Theo all over the face, sobbing loudly and messily as he did so. Rhyol even cradled Theo's hands in her own and buried her face in Theo's hair, letting out relieved sounds and small words of affirmation for Theo that went a long way. Almost a month away from home was enough to make someone miss the frantic movements of parents, and Theo could understand it. She'd be doing the exact same thing as her parents to her friends once she got her hands on them.

Alamo practically hugged the air out of Desdemona and Gunner's lungs when he was done with Theo. He chanted over and over, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," as the two victors squirmed, clearly uncomfortable and awkward. But they seemed relieved now that Theo's parents had thanked them.

Gunner awkwardly pointed to the door, mumbling that he was going to go home and take a shower before they had to pack for the victory tour. Desdemona followed him out, and through the door Theo could see flashes of light. Cameras flashing, people yelling out for Theo, people starting to cheer, only to stop when they realised it was just the old victors. Theo laughed softly, wondering how long Desdemona would scowl over such disrespect for, and picked up Char's urn again with gentle hands.

"Can we stop by the Bennets' before we go to the village?" Theo asked softly.

Rhyol patted Theo's head, running her fingers through blonde curls, and said, "Anywhere you want, kiddo."

Theo sucked in a short breath, ready to thank her, but then reconsidered.

It… wasn't sure if it wanted its parents to see the mess Theo would turn into when Char was handed over to his parents. The box of cremation pendants was heavier now, almost like the weight of carrying him every day was becoming too much to bear, and the last thing Theo wanted right now was to break down. Theo was supposed to be the strong one, the one people cried to. If Theo turned into a blubbering mess in front of its parents, they might mistakenly think that Theo will always be a mess from now on.

It looked at Alamo for a moment, uncertain, and like always, he seemed to pick up on what Theo was struggling to find the words for.

"Actually, Rhy," he said, gently broaching the subject. "I think we still have things to set up at home for you-know-what."

Theo blinked, surprised. "Did you guys plan a surprise party for me?" it asked.

Rhyol was quick to cough into her hand and drawled, "Nope, because it's not a surprise if you know it's coming. So it's not a surprise party."

"But it's a party?"

"I think you're right, Al. We're far too swamped with something at home to stop at the Bennets' place with Theo," Rhyol quickly said, louder than before. "Will you be okay going on your own, baby?"

Gosh, these two were so awkward when they tried to keep things a surprise. Theo laughed quietly to herself and nodded.

The Peacekeepers took Theo to a back exit that, somehow, journalists in Two hadn't found quite yet. Apparently the Justice Building's remodel under Alamo's planning also rerouted the back exit for victors who wanted peace and to quickly go to their homes in the victors' village. It looked like something Alamo had designed, too, and Theo admired the halls as she was escorted outside and shown a back alley that was deemed clear by Peacekeepers beforehand.

Theo carried Char and the pendants, all alone and with no one to bother her, for the entire walk to the Bennet household. It wasn't sure if anyone would be home—if Char's parents, especially, would be home—so when Theo arrived at the doorstep, some fifteen minutes away from the Justice Building, she stared at the door with an almost instantaneous exhaustion.

What did Theo say to his parents? That she was sorry? That Char did his best? Did Theo say anything at all? Was Theo even welcome?

And then there was the whole issue of Betty. Not only had Theo let their son die, but now it dared to covet their daughter? Like some scoundrel? They'd have every right to throw Theo back out on the streets after snatching their son away from it. They'd have every right to curse Theo until the day she died, shrivelled and alone and isolated, just like Gunner would've if he hadn't stepped up in this Quell.

Maybe all Theo would have, at the end of this, was just Gunner and Desdemona. Maybe her parents already thought less of her—Alamo was scared of Theo being painted as a ruthless murderer, and while Theo didn't directly kill anyone, her negligence and hesitation did. The clumsiest victor in District Two's history, they'd probably call Theo. And who wouldn't disown a disgrace of a victor?

Who wouldn't want to cast someone like Theo aside, after all of the ways people died for her? Because of her?

Theo sucked in a shaky breath and shook her head. It almost felt like Char was hovering over its shoulder now, shoving it towards the door, and it could feel him calling out the overthinking as being bullshit. Theo was loved, he would say, and everyone knew loving Theo meant respecting Theo's decision to go into the arena. If they didn't accept that, then they didn't truly love Theo the way it needed to be loved. Alamo and Rhyol had respected Theo's desire to train and volunteer, and all of Theo's friends cheered for every milestone cleared.

Theo would not be alone. Theo would be loved.

Theo knocked once on the door, and before she could knock again, the door flung open. Char's parents stared back at her, eyes red and swollen, and Theo was dragged into the house as soon as they caught sight of the urn and box of pendants.

Like her own parents, Char's checked over Theo obsessively for any lingering injuries. His father even inspected its eye, muttering that the Capitol always fucked up facial wounds somehow, until he deemed it sufficiently healed and treated. His mother let out pained sounds at the sight of Theo's leg in a cast, but it wasn't a mobility issue by any means. Theo could walk just fine in it, and the cast was only there to help hold the stitches in place while they healed.

And once again, as though he were hovering behind her, Theo could hear Char chuckle softly as his parents ushered Theo inside and thanked her for coming home safe with their boy.

"Did you run into Betty on the way?" Char's mother asked. She quickly shook her head and stopped Theo from responding, immediately muttering, "No, of course not. She'd have come with you."

"She went to wait for you at the Justice Building," Char's father explained. "All of your friends did."

A cup of warm tea was placed in front of Theo, and Mr. and Mrs. Bennet sat across from it at the dining room table.

"Oh," Theo said quietly. It looked down at the tea, almost ashamed. "I… used the back exit to avoid the crowd."

"Oh, those hyenas," Mrs. Bennet hissed. "Can't let anyone come home in peace or have a moment with their loved ones. You're going on a tour soon! They can wait until you're done for a scoop."

"Do you know when you leave?" Mr. Bennet asked. "I know it's usually the same amount of time for everyone, but it's a Quell. Did they say you'll be leaving early?"

Theo shook its head. "I have a week to move my things into my new house and then pack for the trip," it explained. "Birdella told me my stylist is making outfits for each District tour, though. So I have those covered."

"You looked so lovely in your dress, dear," Mrs. Bennet said. She reached over and took Theo's hands in her own, giving them a hopeful squeeze. "You and Char made a beautiful pair."

They really did. If Theo had moved faster, had pulled Char out on time, they could've continued to be a beautiful pair. The platonic life partners of the Seventh Quell, the best friend goals of children all over Panem. Theo would've loved to see how Char's outfits would match Theo's in each District.

Theo went to say something—it wasn't sure what, maybe to thank Mrs. Bennet?—but when it opened its mouth, all that came out was a strangled squeak. The floodgates opened, Theo immediately beginning to cry now that it remembered that Char could've been here—could've come home with it—and all Theo could really do was sit there and cry.

"I'm sorry I didn't help him fast enough," Theo sobbed. "He was almost out and—and I took too long…"

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet held no ill will towards Theo. They moved to sit next to it, reassuring it that Theo did its best to help Char, and for every flaw Theo listed in its attempts to help, Char's parents countered with Theo's strong points. They admired that she'd planned a rescue just for Char while they were separated. They admired that Theo had gathered so many allies to help her and Char in the arena. They admired that, when time was running out, Theo still wanted to help as many people as possible.

The journalists had given Theo a moniker as soon as it was announced it'd won: The Pacifist Victor. It didn't ring well with Theo—she'd trained to kill, even if killing hadn't quite registered in the arena and everyone else had to do it for her—but when Mr. Bennet explained it all, it felt more… fitting.

The Pacifist Victor, Theodora Vanek-Haddad—the victor who killed no one to win, but tried to save everyone instead.

The victor most beloved by the other tributes.

Theo didn't get to see Betty that day, exhausted from crying with Char's parents, and all she could do when she got home was sleep like the dead. The option of giving out the pendents was entirely up to Char's parents, and if they decided to hold a funeral for him, all Theo asked was for the right to attend as a friend.

They'd invited it as family, and Theo thought long and hard about why they'd asked for it to attend as family. But as exhaustion washed over and thoughts began to scatter, Theo could no longer think on the words as it drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

"The Capitol sent a letter saying salt baths would help with your leg," Rhyol explained. A bag declaring Epsom Salts was in her hand, and the bathtub slowly filled with warm water as Theo sat on the edge of the tub with a towel wrapped around her. "No clue how, considering it got plenty of salt in the arena. But who am I to question Capitol doctors?"

She dumped the salt into the tub as the water slowly rose higher. Theo stared at it, at the way the water shifted and flowed, and Rhyol continued to mix the salt in properly with her hand.

"How's it feel today?" she asked Theo. "Still giving you grief?"

Over the past couple of days, Theo's leg had begun to throb at night and keep her awake. Theo had begun to sleep during the day now, exhausted from sleepless nights, and Alamo had set up a small study in the mansion for Theo to take up menial hobbies while it recuperated. He'd started out with the suggestion of crochet, claiming that Theo might like a scarf crocheted with the same yarn it used to stim, and Theo had liked the idea. But rather than scarves, Theo had taken to crocheting little animals with the children's crocheting books he'd bought by accident.

It was right before Rhyol's shift would begin at the quarry, fresh before five, and Theo planned on going to bed after a bath to clean off the sweat from the nightmares. When Alamo woke, Theo would go to bed in the living room and listen to him move around and unpack everyone's things one box at a time.

"It's better today," Theo mumbled. "I think it was my leg distracting me from the dreams."

Rhyol sniffed and continued to mix the salt into the water. "Dreams are terrible like that, aren't they?"

"Do you think morphling stops dreaming?"

Rhyol froze. Her expression was blank, her eyes wide, and Theo half-expected her to snap at it and to forbid talks of drugs altogether. After all, Rhyol knew some people self-medicated with the stuff. Maybe she was scared Theo would do the same.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," was all she said instead. "For now, I think you've earned the right to a nightcap every now and then. Just as long as it's not with Desdemona."

Theo huffed a small laugh. Right, Desdemona would just let Theo continue to drink until it passed out. At least Gunner would keep it limited to just one glass, and then hover incessantly to make sure she wouldn't be sick.

Besides, Theo could do without a prairie oyster.

"Okay, I think it's all mixed in. Want me to help you in?" Rhyol stood up straight and offered a hand to Theo. Theo glanced at the water, hesitating, but eventually took Rhyol's hand and let her help it up.

Rhyol tried to guide Theo towards the luxury bathtub, aiming to help Theo dip its toes into the water and ease in using the slip-proof mat lining the tub. But as Theo lifted the injured leg to slowly dip its toes into the water, pain shot up the gashes and Theo froze in place.

"Theo?" Rhyol asked, cautious.

Theo swallowed a lump in its throat and tried to push the foot deeper into the water. As soon as the salt water touched the stitches, Theo saw, for the briefest of seconds, a hand reach out of the water and claw at her leg.

Theo stumbled away from the tub and clung to Rhyol's arms tightly. Rhyol held Theo steady, voice far away as she asked what was wrong, and Theo shook violently on her feet as she tried to steady her breathing. It was no good. A bath was no good right now.

"I—I'm sorry, Mom," Theo said shakily. Theo heard Rhyol say, distantly through the muffling, that it was okay. "C—Can I shower instead?"

Despite it being messier, Rhyol helped Theo clean up in the shower. The door had to be kept open, and several towels had to catch the water that landed on the floor. By the time Theo was clean and being dried off by Rhyol, her mother needed a shower and change of clothes herself.

Theo tried not to think too much about how pathetic it was, not being able to sit in a bathtub. Everyone came back with a bit of the arena still attached to them, Gunner explained during a housewarming dinner. Theo would be no different—and that would be okay. It would be normal.

A little thalassophobia was normal.

"Theodora Vanek-Haddad!"

Uh-oh. The full government name, and from a voice Theo was dreading for the past week.

It turned around, still in the front garden of the mansion and doing its walking exercises with Gunner, and it saw Betty stomping over with the box of pendants tucked under her arm.

Uh-oh. Betty was really mad, from the looks of it. Theo felt a momentary panic as it tried to hurry Gunner, but Gunner stood in silence, lamely waiting to see what happened as he stared at Betty.

"She looks like—" he started.

"That's Betty," Theo hissed.

"Oh." Gunner took a moment to register who Betty was, and as she got closer, he spoke a little louder. Loud enough for Betty to hear, at least. "Oh! You're— My condolences. And— Um. You know, I think I left my, uh…" Gunner stepped away from Theo and raised his hands in surrender, clearly panicking for an excuse to leave. Theo reached for him to come back, but he just gave her an apologetic look. "My emotional support, uh… oven. On. I left my emotional support oven on."

And then Gunner booked it, running inside the house like he'd actually left the oven on. Theo stared after him, dismayed, and looked at the ground as Betty came to a stop in front of it.

What did Theo say right now? It hadn't exactly left the village to go talk to anyone, so all of its friends were still waiting to see it. Not to mention, this was Betty in front of Theo right now—the person Theo was most anxious about seeing after everything that had happened. Sure, Theo got plenty of time to prepare for Betty's answer, but Char dying from its negligence kind of put a damper on finding out if your crush liked you back. For all Theo knew, Betty blamed her for neglecting Char in the finale!

God, if Char were here right now, he'd smack Theo upside the head for thinking that. And then maybe joke that he'd skipped lung day too frequently, meaning that it was all on him.

Theo pursed its lips and looked up, glancing at Betty through its curls, and Betty was red in the face as she glared at Theo.

"You've been avoiding everyone," Betty stated.

Theo looked back down again, ashamed. "I… I guess…"

"Is it because of me?"

"I—" Theo began to choke up as the words of reassurance failed to come out. "M—Maybe…"

Betty let out a long, exhausted sigh. Theo flinched, curling in on herself, and she stared at the grass in silence. This was bad. Theo shouldn't have confessed. Char encouraged it, but maybe Theo should've waited until things were more concrete. If Char had come home instead, he could've just offhandedly said it instead. It wouldn't have harmed anyone, Theo thought. Maybe not as much as right now was, at least.

When Theo glanced over at Betty again, it was surprised to see the red face and angry expression had turned into angry tears. Betty's eyes were watering, and she kept glaring at Theo as she sniffled.

"Well?" Betty demanded. "Was it a strategy?"

"Strategy?" Theo echoed.

"Yeah. The confession. Was it a strategy?"

Theo immediately gasped and looked directly at Betty. It went to reach for her, to reassure her, but Theo stopped before there was any chance of Betty flinching away. Betty probably found Theo disgusting now, irresponsible. Who would want the hands of someone so reckless on them?

"It—It wasn't," Theo insisted. "I meant every word, I swear!"

"Then why are you avoiding me specifically?"

Betty sniffled again, and her anger appeared to be melting away into pain. Theo wanted to kick itself. It'd been so caught up in everything—adjusting to being at home, giving Char back to his parents, dealing with the nightmares—that it never stopped to think that just… dropping a message to its friends would save them from feeling abandoned. That telling Betty through her parents that Theo needed time would save Betty from feeling cast aside and used for a ploy.

Theo let out a helpless sound and swallowed a lump in its throat.

"I… I don't know," it admitted. Betty bristled, but waited for Theo to continue. "I keep… It keeps getting harder to tell if… if everyone is really happy I came back…"

"Why wouldn't we be?" Betty demanded. "We're your friends!"

"Char was everyone's friend, too," Theo said weakly. Betty flinched, and despite Theo being unable to word it as best as it could, Betty seemed to understand what Theo was getting at. "I let him die, you know? I couldn't even kill him like we agreed to do in the end—fight to the death together. Why would you guys be happy to have me around when I wasn't—"

"Stop."

It was Theo's turn to flinch. Betty let out a small sigh, less exhausted and angry than the last, and she adjusted her grip on the box as she shifted on her feet.

Betty quietly told Theo, "He never said the overthinking was this bad. We gotta get you some proper therapy."

"I'm sorry," Theo mumbled.

"Oh, shush. You just don't know how to tell the voices to fuck off yet. We'll get you relatively well-adjusted sooner or later."

Well, Betty had a point. Sometimes Theo's head got a bit too loud for it to handle. Therapy would go a long way for that.

"And besides," Betty went on, "I think we both know the person that matters wouldn't think what you're most afraid of. Be honest, has he ever hated you for something like not being good enough or not being skilled enough? I'll bet the dumbass used to make you do pep talks every day and hyped you up as much as he could. He had fun doing that."

Theo hummed once, softly. "He did do that a lot…"

"I knew it. So I also know for a fact he wouldn't hold how he died against you." Betty sniffed and frowned, finally looking away from Theo to glare at the ground. She was almost pouting. "If anything, the only thing he would hold against you is not giving him the chance to be your best man. He'll probably give us both a hard time for it in the next life."

Theo blinked. She stared at Betty. Theo blinked again.

Her best man?

As in, a wedding party member?

Theo's?

Theo opened its mouth. Shut it. Opened it again.

Theo pointed to itself with wide eyes.

Still red in the face and pouting, Betty nodded.

Oh.

Oh, Betty was already planning their wedding.

Betty liked Theo enough to plan a wedding.

Betty liked Theo a lot.

Theo's legs gave out, and she practically collapsed to the ground with a wheeze. Betty dropped down with her, surprised and shouting, "Oh my God!" as she reached for Theo. And Gunner, apparently watching the whole time through the door, stumbled out in such a rush to help Theo that he tripped over himself and fell onto the grass as well.

Betty knelt in front of Theo and asked in a panic, "Oh God, are you okay? Is it your leg?"

"Married…" Theo mumbled.

"Married?" Betty repeated.

"You thought about marriage…"

Betty's face was even redder than before. She leaned back, putting some distance between herself and Theo, and Gunner hastily pulled himself to his feet once he heard Theo's bewildered statement. The duo sat in the garden together, awkward and embarrassed, and Betty played with her hair almost anxiously as she tried to speak again.

"Well, I mean… I was using a wedding party as an example," she mumbled, trying to backtrack a little. Theo smiled dopily at her, still on the high of finding out it was mutual. In fact, the voices that had been shaming Theo mere seconds earlier were now screaming the words, IT'S MUTUAL, on repeat. "You get my point with it being the only thing my stupid brother would hold against you."

"Uh-huh," Theo replied dreamily.

Betty waved dismissively and pinched at her brow, pushing herself back on track. The anger that had been fueling her thus far was all but gone now that she'd accidentally admitted she liked Theo the same way it liked her. She let out a slow breath, calmer, and she held up the box to show to Theo.

Theo looked at it with a puzzled expression, wondering why she was holding it out, and then looked back at Betty.

With practised movements, Betty opened the box and revealed only one of the pendants left inside. All of the others were gone, and when Theo looked at Betty's neck, it could see the thin chain of one of the pendants peek out from under her shirt. Betty must've given everyone else their pendants already, Theo thought. All she had left was Theo's.

Theo didn't hesitate to lean forward when Betty offered the pendant to it. Betty unclasped it and went to tie it around Theo's neck, only to pause and pull back.

"Actually," Betty said softly, and Theo worried for a moment that she'd deny Theo a portion of Char's ashes. "Undo your yarn. I think he'd rather hang from that instead."

Ah. That made sense. Chain links were far too cold, even when worn over time, for someone as radiant as Char. Theo undid the yarn braid around its neck and held it out to Betty to take. Ever since getting home, Theo had had to replace the old yarn with a new one from the collection Alamo had bought for it to crochet with. This one was a bit more colourful than the last one, at least, and it was the same colour as Theo and Char's preferred colours alongside the pink they'd worn at the interview.

Betty slid the pendant over the braided yarn necklace and made sure it faced the right way when she tied it around Theo's neck. The diamond at its centre glistened under the light, and Theo almost felt like Char was hovering over her again, whispering affirmations in its ear.

As soon as Theo let the pendant go, having inspected it with a melancholic smile, Betty pulled Theo close and wrapped her arms around its shoulders. It was a full chest to chest hug, Betty clinging to Theo tightly and almost afraid to let go, and Theo's heart thrummed loudly in her chest. She shakily reached up and hugged Betty back, sharing their equivalent of a first kiss that everyone always got so worked up over.

This was nice. Coming back home and trying to readjust to everything—it was nice. Even if Theo had its hiccups and wasn't sure about her mentor status just yet, something like this was nice.

It felt good to be home. It felt good to win, both for her and Char's sakes.