Disclaimer: Do not own Umbrella Academy

Warnings for trauma, nightmares, implied murder, child abuse and period typical gender roles, mistreatment of a disabled character and period typical patriarchy.

Pre-transition for Viktor, since this takes place in season 2, before the Umbrella Academy reunites.

You might not be safe with me

It had only been months since Sissy had found her and she had been taken in by Sissy, Sissy's husband and their son.

Vanya-that was the only name she knew of, she knew nothing else about herself.

Sissy was talking with her husband in the kitchen, talking with him.

Vanya hugged Harlan who was pressing his back against her chest, his right hand clutching her left arm.

Vanya spoke softly to him, heart hurting, knowing that he was staying inside his own head, terrified. His father didn't understand him. Didn't even try to. Vanya appreciated him and Sissy both for letting her live here, but only one of them, she believed, did it out of the goodness of their heart.

"It's okay," Vanya whispered, almost certain that she was lying to the young boy who needed so much more support than he had, "It's okay, Harlan."

Vanya tried not to stare up at the kitchen, where Sissy and her husband, Carl were getting more heated.

Vanya disliked that she had such an emotional aversion to Carl. Whatever his motivation had been, he and Sissy had taken her in.

She felt like she was being ungrateful. Still….

Vanya looked down at Harlan, perhaps not fully understanding what his father was saying about him, but clearly knew that it was nothing good that was being said about him.

Vanya felt her heart hurt seeing Harlan this upset. His father didn't even try to understand. To the boy's father, a boy was supposed to like sports and be loud and confident and strong. He didn't understand that boys could be quiet, demure, sweet and shy and that was completely alright.

But then, Carl also thought that women needed to not ask questions and obey their husbands, and Vanya certainly had issues with that, so, she wasn't sure she trusted Carl's judgment about anything.

She leaned down and kissed the top of Harlan's head and whispered to him, "There's nothing wrong with you."

Vanya didn't know if Harlan understood what she said, but she was certain that when Harlan's hand hugged her more tightly, that he understood she had said something to comfort him. And she smiled, even if her heart hurt for him.

Later on that night, after Harlan went to bed, and Vanya smiled as Sissy kissed the boy's forehead and sang to him before he went to sleep, Vanya then moved away from the doorway, as Sissy approached her and said softly, "Thank you, for being there for Harlan. You're….really good with him."

Unlike Carl.

Sissy hadn't said those words. But Vanya heard those words anyway.

Vanya forced a smile, trying to ignore the unease that Carl's relationship with his wife and son caused her.

"He's a sweet, wonderful boy," she said, "And he's lucky to have you as his mother."

Again, plenty of unspoken words about Carl.

Sissy looked at Vanya in a way that made Vanya's heart skip a beat, before Sissy appeared flushed and turned away.

"Sorry," she said quickly, "I need to get to bed. Carl will be wondering."

Vanya nodded, knowing that the feelings she'd been having for Sissy for some time, now, she suspected since the moment she first laid eyes on Sissy, most likely weren't appropriate.

She knew that homosexuality here was looked down on, but that wasn't why. For some reason she couldn't understand, she wasn't bothered by the idea of her being attracted to other women, and found it ridiculous that the place she lived in right now, looked down upon it.

What bothered her though, was that she was attracted to a married woman.

She might not like Carl, but that didn't change that he and Sissy were married and that they had taken Vanya in.

It was all sorts of "ungrateful."

Still, hearing the way Carl sometimes talked to Sissy, and hearing sometimes how he talked about Harlan? It just made her feel anger. Disturbing anger.

Thinking about it now? Her teeth clenched at the thought.

And before she could stop herself, an image entered her head. Of a…a chimpanzee of all things, in a suit, mounted on a wall by antlers, two prongs of the antlers protruding out from the chimpanzee's chest, blood coating those prongs.

Vanya gasped, stepping back in the hallway. What-what was that about?!

A chimpanzee being impaled by antlers…what did that mean?

Vanya shook her head. She'd say it was a flashback-a memory, but that didn't make sense. A chimpanzee in a suit, impaled by antlers?

That sounded like something out of a surreal painting or something like that. It couldn't be a memory.

Vanya gave a small laugh. "I've been up for too long," she said, "I need to get to bed."

She walked down the hall to her bedroom, trying to tell herself that it was just a strange mental image that somehow got into her head, but couldn't ignore the unease in her chest.

Why was she so unsure that it wasn't a memory?

She tried to ignore that thought and got ready for bed.

When she at last was under the covers and placed her head down and closed her eyes, she tried to dispel her troubled thoughts from her head.

When she felt sleep begin to pull her in, she was immediately hit with images.

With dreams. Or was it a nightmare?

Vanya was going up through a dark shaft, something was moving under her, only to stop with a loud and metallic clanging noise. She reached out in the dream or nightmare, and pressed a button, opening up the metal door before her. The cage door opened and Vanya walked out into a dark room.

The hall all around her was shaking. Stone and bricks were being dislodged from all around her, collapsing to the floor.

But she didn't care.

She was going to find them.

She stalked through the dimly lit building predatorily, walking across a smooth floor with flat, diamond shaped tiles colored white and green.

There were thin columns around that she moved past. She heard footsteps running from her in the distance.

She reached one room after another, a name accompanying each room.

Ben.

Klaus.

Diego.

Allison.

Luther.

Names that Vanya recognized, but didn't remember who those names belonged to.

She focused and made each room explode. One room after another, she destroyed completely.

Each time she did it, she felt some sort of satisfaction grow within her. She was going to hurt them. Make them pay.

She stalked through the house, looking for them.

When she found them, she would make them scream.

Vanya gasped, tearing herself awake.

She shook as she sat up in bed, seeing light come in through the glass windows. Glass windows, that now appeared to have…..cracks all over them.

Vanya panted, staring at the windows.

What was that nightmare all about? And…..those cracks on the windows, they hadn't always been there, had they?

Vanya swallowed, staring at those cracks, a cold feeling piercing her stomach.

Why was she feeling more and more certain, that that image she'd had before, of that chimpanzee impaled on antlers, wasn't just a figment of her imagination?

And that nightmare just now? Of her stalking through the halls of some building, hunting someone….she had been looking for people. A group of them.

Meaning to…

Meaning to kill.

Vanya could tell herself all she wanted that her intent hadn't been to kill in that dream of hers. But she knew better.

She had been hunting to kill. To kill the people whose names she had thought of. Ben, Klaus, Diego, Allison and Luther.

But why?

What had they done?

Vanya shuddered, now sure that she had done something wrong, before being found by Sissy and Carl.

What the hell had she done before losing her memories?

Vanya swallowed, thinking about a few days ago, when Sissy had first seen how Harlan took to Vanya, that Sissy had told Vanya happily that she was "so happy that we found you."

Vanya fought an uneasy laugh. Sissy was happy that she and her husband had found Vanya?

That might not be as good as Sissy thought it was.

Because…..

"Because you might not be safe with me," Vanya whispered to the room, knowing that she could never repeat this to Sissy.

Author's note

Not very well written. Just a thought I had.