"Oh, hell no! You can't wear that!" Deadpool insists with an obnoxious whine. "That's another suit! We already determined that literally nobody wears a suit to a gay bar on a Saturday night! Sure, maybe after work on a weeknight when you told your girlfriend you'd be at the office late, but really you're just out getting something that she can't give you, but a Saturday? No way!"
This has been going on for quite some time, and Peter only looks up from his phone to verify the fact that Matt is, yet again, wearing a suit. Like he has been the last three times they've told him to change outfits. The only difference is that this time it's a grey suit rather than black.
"He still looks good," Colleen points out, from where she's now sitting on one of the barstools at Matt's counter.
"I know he looks good, I have been blessed with sight. But he needs to look easy, not just good," Deadpool replies.
"The blind thing usually works pretty well to make me seem easy," Matt drawls, his arms crossed over his chest. "People are much less intimidated when they think you can't tell how they look."
"No, the fact that you're easy is what makes you seem easy," Jessica says, immediately getting a glare from Matt. She's acquired one of Matt's bottles of scotch at some point during their makeshift fashion show, and is drinking heavily from it.
"We're done discussing my sex life," he reminds, pushing his sunglasses up a little, before gesturing to Peter. "There's still a child present. And even if there wasn't a child present, I'm still done discussing it. We need to figure this shit out before the guy leaves the bar with someone else."
"It's kinda unlikely that people are jumping on him, he looks like a major creep," Peter supplies helpfully.
"Exactly! So we have time!" Deadpool argues.
"If nobody else is going for him, then I don't need to look like a damn model then, do I?" Matt counters in his lawyer voice.
"You always look like a model, sweetie," Deadpool croons in a way that has Matt growling again.
Peter thinks he hears Frank mutter, 'here we go again', right as Deadpool and Matt start another round of snippy remarks towards one another, with very little substance behind any of the insults.
It suddenly dawns on Peter that Matt is blind. Like, well and truly blind. To quote the man himself, his eyes serve absolutely no purpose. Originally, Peter just assumed the reason Matt only owned suits was that his job required him to dress nicely, but he's suddenly sure it's more than that. Suits are easy to match. As long as you know what blazer goes with what pair of pants, then you can easily get dressed and look put together. But everyday clothes like jeans and t-shirts? Those are a lot harder to match, especially if you can't see.
He stands up straighter from where he's been leaning against the wall and sighs loud enough to get some attention, making a true show of himself being bored. He notices Matt looking in his direction suspiciously. Peter ignores him and directs what he has to say to Deadpool instead.
"Are you an idiot? If you don't think the outfits he's picking are good enough, then pick something for him." Peter takes a beat to look at Deadpool and quickly decides against that. "Actually, dressed like that, I don't trust you to make any remotely good fashion decisions," he says, looking over Deadpool's suit critically.
"Hey!" Deadpool gasps, putting his hand on his chest in mock offense. "I made this myself!"
"Which, funnily enough, makes me trust your fashion sense even less. Come on, Matt, I'll pick something for you," Peter says finally, walking through the living room full of superheroes to grab Matt by the arm and drag him into the bedroom, sliding the door shut behind them. It's finally back on the tracks; the last time he'd been in the apartment it had still been broken and just leaning up against the wall.
"Peter," Matt says, only to be immediately shushed.
"Uh-uh, I don't trust your fashion sense either," he says, walking over to the closet where, sure enough, there's suit after suit hung nicely with a little braille label on the hanger of each one. There are button up shirts, as well as ties, hung up further down the closet. There are a few pairs of shoes, and they're all black. Peter realizes that the only time Matt ever leaves his house to go somewhere other than work is probably to go out Daredevil-ing. It makes him sad for just a moment before he forces himself to focus back on the task at hand. He spots a chest of drawers and walks over to that instead, pulling open the first drawer down from the top. Bingo, pants that aren't all lawyer-y. They aren't labeled like the suits are, so Peter's sure that this is why Matt was having a hard time getting dressed.
"Here," Peter says after a moment of searching through the drawer. "You can keep that shirt on, but wear these jeans with it." He passes the pants to Matt before looking around another moment to find a pair of shoes that are equally not lawyer-y. There's a pair of dark, canvas sneakers by the drawers and Peter decides that they're good enough before setting them by Matt. "Put on those too."
"Thanks," Matt replies a little awkwardly.
Peter just smiles. "No problem. I'm gonna go put on my normal people clothes now too."
Peter leaves the room, sliding the door shut behind him again. While originally only Jessica had been drinking, now both Frank and Deadpool also have liquor in their hands. Thankfully they're both drinking from glasses, unlike Jessica.
"He should be ready to go in just a minute," he announces to the room. "I'm gonna go change. And Deadpool, you should probably find something else to wear too. The bar was kinda seedy, but definitely not 'gimp suit' seedy."
Frank chokes on his scotch at Peter's comment, while Deadpool just looks down at what he's wearing and gives an agreeable shrug.
"Alright, I'll go steal some clothes from our lovely host," he says, downing the rest of his drink before hopping up from the couch and calling out, "Oh, Matthew~" in a sing-song voice.
Peter just grabs his backpack and heads into Matt's bathroom to change out of the Spider-Man suit. After he's changed, he can't help but be a little bit nosey and look through Matt's medicine cabinet. Maybe he's a little curious as to whether or not the guy even owns a razor, because it certainly looks like he never shaves. But maybe that's just another thing he has trouble with being blind. A quick search reveals that Matt does indeed own a razor, but it also shows the strongest painkiller he owns is Tylenol. For a normal person that would be fine, but for someone who gets stabbed, shot, and beat up way more than could ever be considered reasonably healthy, it's a little bit concerning. Peter is suitably concerned.
Peter emerges from the bathroom, the Spider-Man costume tucked away into his backpack, just in time to see Jessica fussing over Matt's outfit. He has on the dark wash jeans Peter picked out, along with the shoes.
"It's good," she's saying as she tucks the shirt in and undoes the top two buttons. "You should wear jeans more." She steps back to look at him, either that or admire the view (Peter's not quite sure, now that he knows more than he ever wanted to about what Matt gets up to behind closed doors). She makes a face and unbuttons one more button on Matt's definitely silk shirt before nodding. "Looks great."
Deadpool steps out of Matt's room a second later. He's wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a gray t-shirt, but that's not what Peter notices. The guy looks horrible , and he suddenly gets why Matt laughed so hard when he'd made that joke about the burn ward the night before. As far as Peter can tell, every inch of the guy's skin from his hands to the top of his bald head is marred with horrible reddish burns and protruding veins.
"Spidey!" Deadpool gasps upon seeing him, covering his mouth with his hands. "Oh my God, he's adorable. He's just a baby! Who let this child fight crime?!" Deadpool crouches slightly to be closer to Peter's level as he fawns over the 'baby-child'.
"Uhh," Peter says, still trying to get over Deadpool's appearance, especially now that he's close enough for Peter to see every raised detail of his skin.
"What's your name, child?" Deadpool asks as Matt throws a dark hoodie at him which hits him in the face; truly impeccable aim.
"Peter," Peter answers because he'd rather Deadpool know his name than call him 'Spidey' in public.
"Nice to meet you, Peter, I'm Wade," he replies, pulling the hoodie off of his head. Peter's heard Matt use Deadpool's real name before, but now's the first time he's ever thought of the man as anything other than 'Deadpool'. The hero name matched the mask just fine, but the human name matches the face.
"Hi, Wade," Peter says, doing his best not to stare.
Wade seems to catch onto him staring anyway. "Ugh, I know right?" he says, gesturing to his face. "A good friend once told me that I look like Freddy Krueger face fucked a topographical map of Utah, and I can't say he's wrong. At least Matthew still thinks I'm beautiful," he says with a sigh, tossing a look over at Matt, who snorts as he grabs his cane from where it's hanging by the door.
"I have low standards," Matt says. "It has absolutely nothing to do with beauty."
"Only you can say that you beautiful, beautiful man," Wade says with a dreamy sigh.
Matt punches him in the arm. "Jess, I want you to come with me," he says. "Just in case."
Jessica nods and passes the bottle of scotch to Frank who sensibly puts the top back on it and sets it on the coffee table. "Alright, let's go."
"Aw, you aren't gonna leave the rest of us here, are you?" Wade pouts, giving Matt a sweet look that he definitely can't see, but Peter imagines he knows it's there anyway.
"I absolutely am leaving the rest of you here," Matt replies.
"But Maaattt," he whines.
"But Waaaade," Matt whines back. "No."
"But what if something happens and you need backup?"
"That's why Jessica's coming."
"But she's drunk!"
Matt turns toward Jessica and sniffs the air. "Jess," he whines for real this time.
"What? I'm barely tipsy, besides, this whole thing is ridiculous. How are the rest of you even sober right now?"
"I mean, I did a ton of coke this morning, so I'm probably not totally sober," Wade says. "But I'd totally be an asset to this mission. C'mon, we get you near this guy, I come up and pretend to harass you, he gets to play white knight, you go home with him, and bam! We have the ledger!"
"That's actually a pretty good plan," Luke says, and Frank nods in agreement.
"Fine. Wade and Jessica, let's go," Matt decides after a second.
"Wait!" Wade says, prompting a groan from Matt. "We can't just leave Spider-Baby! He's the one who's making this all possible!"
"I'm not bringing Peter into another seedy bar ever again without a full protection detail for him," Jessica announces, throwing a wink at Luke, who immediately gets a spark of understanding in his eyes.
"Well, it wouldn't be right to leave him out," Luke agrees. "Frank and I can look after him."
"Colleen and I drove here," Danny announces. "So we can drive Matt, Jess, and Wade over there now."
Matt narrows his eyes behind the sunglasses as he realizes this has just become a class trip, definitely solely so everyone can see him have to flirt with someone who he couldn't possibly be less into. "Fine. Danny, Colleen, Wade, Jess, let's go. The rest of you get a cab."
Danny and Wade both look ecstatic as they head for the door, followed by Jessica and Colleen. Matt takes a second to walk over to Peter. "If you're uncomfortable with this, you don't have to come," he says softly enough that neither Luke nor Frank can hear. "Last time you were at a bar you came here and had a panic attack. I don't want you to have to deal with that again."
It's incredibly thoughtful of Matt to check that he's okay with this, and it makes him smile. "I'm alright. But thanks for asking."
Matt hesitates just a second but nods; he knows that Peter was telling the truth about that. "Alright. I'm gonna make Danny stay in the car, so if you can't get into the bar or you start feeling nervous just go sit with him."
"Alright, mom ," Peter teases, and Matt shoves him just a little.
"Hey, Murdock!" Jessica calls from where she's standing in the open door beside Wade. "You coming or not?"
Much to everyone's surprise, Peter and his babyfaced self actually do manage to get into the bar. The bouncer gives him a slightly critical look, but one raised eyebrow from Luke is enough to get him to turn the other way, especially since Frank is there, looking equally as menacing.
While the flashing lights and loud music are fairly distracting, it only takes Peter about a minute to spot where Matt is standing by the bar. He elbows Luke very gently in the ribs to get his attention and tilts his head toward Matt to indicate where he is.
Luke nods in response, not even bothering to try and speak over the loud music as he guides Peter and Frank to a standing table that has a sightline on Matt. For Peter, they're close enough that he'll be able to hear, even if he might lose a few words to the thrumming bass.
"That's him," Peter says, jerking his head towards where Adams is ordering a drink.
"What?!" Luke shouts down at him. Frank is giving him a similarly confused look.
"That's him!" Peter shouts, both standing on his toes and pulling Luke down a little so he can be closer to ear-level.
"Got it!" Luke shouts back, before passing the news onto Frank, who nods.
As they wait for Adams to notice Matt, a man who looks to be around twenty with tight clothes and eyeliner on stumbles over to Frank's side. It's immediately obvious that the guy is at least drunk and probably a little high on top of that.
"Hey!" he shouts at Frank.
"Uh, hey kid," Frank replies, glancing to Luke for a second before looking down at the guy half his age who apparently doesn't realize he's draping himself all over the Punisher.
"Wanna dance?" he asks, and Peter's pretty naïve, but he knows this guy is looking for more than he can get on the dance floor.
Frank looks so panicked that for a moment Peter would think he's never been hit on by a man before in his life if not for the conversation he was, unfortunately, privy to at Matt's apartment earlier.
There's a flash in Frank's eyes and he leans down a little bit so the guy can hear him when he says, "I'm married!" and flashes the ring hanging from a chain around his neck.
The guy shrugs and looks Luke over once, staring straight over the top of Peter's head.
"Nice pull, man!" he shouts to Luke, giving a thumbs up before stumbling back into the crowd.
Peter is of the opinion that Frank is 90% terrifying and 10% fatherly instinct, so he's a little surprised that he got hit on so fast. But the guy was also pretty wasted. Hopefully, it doesn't become a theme; it would suck to miss out of whatever it is poor Matt is going to have to put himself through because of Frank getting hit on constantly.
He casts a glance back over to where Matt is, and now he's just a few paces away from Adams, who still doesn't seem to have noticed him. Another guy starts walking towards Matt with clear intent, but the glare he gets stops him in his tracks and causes him to make an abrupt left turn. A second later, Peter can see Adams scanning the bar before immediately turning to look back at where Matt's standing.
Matt makes a quick signal with his hand, and Wade heads toward him, apparently coming out of thin air. For a huge guy, he's good at hiding. Must have something to do with him being a hitman, he thinks.
Peter suddenly realizes that neither of his adult, moderately deaf companions are going to be able to hear the true artistry of what's about to go down, so he whips out his phone and opens the notes app. Even before being bitten, Peter has always been a quick texter, but after he got his abilities, the enhanced reflexes really ended up lending themselves to court stenographer levels of typing speed and accuracy. He quickly pokes Luke and Frank, who are standing on either side of him, and points down at his phone, before focusing back on Matt.
Wade is now leaning against the bar beside Matt, an arm slung around Matt's waist to pull him a little closer. He's on the opposite side of Matt from Adams, so their mark has the perfect view of what's going down. Matt's doing a great job of looking uncomfortable.
"You come here often?" Wade asks in what is truly the worst line Peter can imagine as he types it quickly.
"Not really," Matt replies, hunching his shoulders up a bit to play up the discomfort. Peter bets that it's killing him to act like some poor damsel who needs rescuing.
"Yeah, this place is kinda a shithole. You know where you should come instead?" Wade asks, barely holding back a smile.
Matt sighs deeply and looks defeated. "Where?"
"All over me," Wade answers in a truly horrible caricature of a sultry tone, winking at Matt and moving his hand as low as it possibly can and still be considered to be on Matt's back.
Peter hears Luke choke as he reads that line over Peter's shoulder, and Peter's just wishing he hadn't had to hear that.
Matt jolts at Wade's hand migrating so low, and it's obvious to anyone who knows him that he could have Wade's hand off of him and his arm entirely, given ten seconds and any one of the numbers of beer bottles on the counter behind him, but Matt very politely doesn't dismember Wade. Instead, he just tenses up his posture even more and leans as far from Wade as he can with the hold he still has anchored on Matt.
Now Wade's leaned in towards Matt's ear, and he's quiet enough that Peter can't pick up on the words. Judging from the looks it's earning him from Matt, he can only assume it's some truly appalling shit.
Whatever he's saying is bad enough that either Wade's harassment or Matt's obviously broadcast discomfort is enough to prompt their man to step in.
"Hey," Adams says, taking a step towards Matt. "Back off the guy."
Peter realizes that poor Daniel must truly be an idiot, because if Frank is terrifying, then Wade is on a whole new level.
"Excuse me?" Wade says, loosening his hold on Matt just enough for him to slip out of it and towards their mark.
"You heard me, Scarface. Get lost."
Peter's not sure if Daniel's an idiot or just completely suicidal.
"Jesus, fine," Wade says, backing down a lot easier than he would any other time, Peter's sure. He turns and heads toward where the bartender is, coincidentally right beside where Jessica is sitting and drinking… something.
"Jesus, did you see his face?" Adams asks Matt.
"No," Matt replies pleasantly and a little bit shyly. It's honestly unnerving how good Matt is at acting like the damsel he most certainly isn't.
"Oh?" the man asks curiously, raising an eyebrow at Matt who simply taps his cane on the ground in response. A look of recognition crosses his face as he takes in Matt's sunglasses and cane. Peter swears he can see the creep factor in his expression go through the roof the second he realizes Matt's blind. Adams immediately checks Matt out in a way that makes Peter's skin crawl, even from across the room.
Matt gives the fakest laugh Peter's ever heard from him and couples it with a dazzling smile. "What can I say? Looks just aren't that important to me."
"Yeah? Well, what is important to you?" Adams asks, his tone as slimy as he is.
"The way people sound," Matt answers sweetly before pitching his voice a little differently as he runs a hand down Adams' arm. "The way they feel ."
Peter wants to gag, and he's assuming Matt does too.
Adams looks supremely interested the second Matt touches him, and he takes this as an opening to set his own hand on Matt's cheek. Peter can see the way Matt tenses up for just a fraction of a second before forcing himself to lean into the touch. "And how do I feel?" he asks.
Luke and Frank are both looking rapidly between Peter's typed dialogue and the scene unfolding before them. Luke looks irritated, and Frank's starting to look like something verging on murderous.
"Like someone who's gonna buy me a drink," Matt answers, and the guy's smile just gets wider.
"And what drink would I buy you?"
"The same as whatever it is you're going to have."
Adams laughs softly and turns to the bartender to flag him down and orders two whiskeys, neat. Pretty much as soon as the bartender sets the drinks on the counter, Adams pulls a small pill out of somewhere and drops it in the drink that he pushes towards Matt who's now leaning his side against the bar rather than his back.
"So," Adams says, looking down to check Matt out once again, making Peter's skin crawl even from across the room. "What was it we were talking about?"
"How you feel like someone who'd buy me a drink," Matt answers, trailing one hand down the front of Adams' shirt while he uses the other to very quickly switch their drinks.
"And how do I feel now that I've bought you drink?" he asks.
"That depends," Matt says simply.
"On?"
"What drink you chose."
The guy laughs. "Drink it and tell me what you think."
Matt smiles and downs his whiskey like a shot before shrugging. "Tastes alright," he says, setting the glass down and moving his hand to Adams' hand that's around his own drink. He takes the glass from him and moves it to his mark's lips. "But I'd like to find out how it tastes on you."
Adams is more than happy to chug the liquor Matt's practically pouring into his mouth as soon as he hears that. As soon as the glass is empty, Matt sets it back on the counter and pulls the guy down to kiss him.
Peter looks away because, ew , and he can hear Frank's disgusted, "Jesus Christ," as clear as day. He only looks back up when he hears Adams' voice again.
"And how do I taste?" he asks.
"Like someone who's gonna take me home."
Peter retches as he types it.
That's all Matt needs to say before the guy is practically dragging him out of there. Jessica gets up immediately and follows them while Wade walks over to where the three of them are still gathered.
"God, I wish I knew what they were saying," he says with a sigh as he slumps against Frank's side only to immediately be shoved away.
"Peter transcribed the whole thing for us," Luke says, and the gleeful look that puts on Wade's face is disturbing.
Jessica pops up beside them a second later. "They left in a cab," she says. "We're gonna go back to Matt's place and wait for him. Anyone who wants to is welcome to join us."
"Yeah, he has a lot of liquor, and I need to forget what I just saw," Frank agrees.
Back at Matt's place, Peter's phone has been confiscated by Wade who sent the transcription of the conversation to himself, Jessica, and Frank, and is forcing them to read it like a script. Wade is playing Matt, Jessica is playing Wade, and Frank is playing Adams.
Danny and Colleen ended up following the taxi Matt got in, so he'll have a getaway car ready to go. Wade was insistent that Luke film the reenactment to share with them and all of the others at some point.
"I'm not letting you kiss me," Frank says once they get to that point in the script.
"But you let Matt kiss you," Wade counters.
"So did you."
"Well, our mouths are already only one degree of separation away from each other; why not make it zero?" Wade says, leaning across the couch to get closer to Frank.
"Do you want your mouth to have zero degrees of separation from my gun?" he asks.
Wade raises what would be an eyebrow, if he had any, and looks Frank up and down. "Is that what you named it?"
Peter coughs loudly to remind the room of his presence.
"Whoops! Sorry, Petey. We'll keep it PG," Wade promises.
He needs multiple more reminders to keep it PG.
By the time Matt finally gets home, it's past midnight, and they'd left the bar at about a quarter past ten.
Danny and Colleen walk in ahead of him, and Peter's sure it's just so Matt can get the satisfaction of slamming the door. He throws his cane on the floor and turns a murderous glare on everyone in the room.
"You all owe me so fucking much," he hisses as he storms over to the living area and pitches a plain looking, brown paper accordion file down on the coffee table.
"What took you so long?" Jessica asks, and Matt turns the full force of his glare on her.
"We got stuck in traffic," he says venomously. "And I had to keep his drugged ass awake so that he could actually get us into his fucking apartment."
"You drugged him?" Danny asks incredulously.
Matt scoffs. "He drugged himself. Tried to roofie me, so I switched the drinks."
"Atta boy," Frank says, prompting a growl from Matt before he flings himself down into the unoccupied armchair. "What does it say?"
Matt stares at Frank. "Does it look like it's written in fucking braille?"
Peter laughs hysterically, and he's so incredibly glad decided this all happened because he didn't want to torture anyone else.