A/N- This chapter contains references to sexual abuse. Please consider this when you decide to read.

Thank you to my beta Dollybigmomma, and to my new and unofficial beta my sister! She won't tell me her account information and I respect her endlessly for it!

Thank you also to those of you who review. In the past few weeks I haven't felt like writing, and your words remind me why I love it.

Bella

Monday morning, when I sat behind the wheel of my truck, I was rudely reminded of the punishment I had received that weekend.

"Your father must be pretty confident that you won't misuse this car," Phil had said to me in that warning tone. Not a warning urging me to avoid the danger, but one that meant it was on the way, and all I could do was prepare. But I hadn't been able to prepare for what had come next.

I felt the intense disgust and self-loathing that always accompanied those kinds of lessons. I had hoped I would be free of it until Thanksgiving, when I was next supposed to go back to Phoenix. I was so hoping the distance would at least save me from that, but of course, Phil had found a way.

The last time I'd had a break that long was the last time Renee had been unemployed and was able to pay more attention. It had been one of the longer breaks. Nearly a month. It wasn't like Renee didn't know it was happening, but I think she didn't know the extent, or the frequency.

When she had gotten the first hint of it, she had become furious in a way she hadn't let herself be in years. For a moment, I'd thought my mom was back, that the woman he had made sure to bury had finally reared her head.

For a moment, Phil saw it too. It made him pause. I would never forget that moment. The look in his eyes was so calculating, but in them I saw the smallest hint of something I never would have expected: fear. But then, as always, any and all emotion in him was replaced with absolute rage.

That night, his wrath nearly shook the house, and Renee wasn't able to leave the house for days afterwards, but he didn't touch me…for a while, anyway.

It was just a part of our reality. After the very first time, he had waited a long time to even beat me. A part of me was hoping it was just a nightmare, a sick, disgusting nightmare I had concocted in my fear. I hadn't even been aware that there was a line he was avoiding, until he trampled it. That was normal for him, though. When he crossed a line, he destroyed it, acting as though there had never been a time where it hadn't been part of our lives, whether it was yelling at me, hitting me, calling me names, anything.

It had been different that time. Each night, I'd found myself waiting, barely sleeping, but night after night, he skipped over my room. I thought it hadn't happened, or maybe he regretted it. I found myself letting my guard down…until it happened again. My mom had been gone for work, and Phil started to teach me more. About my wickedness, about how he was helping me. But most importantly, he taught me about how I deserved it.

He told me I was a bad person, evil down to my core. I was tempting people, and my evil ways let them know I was the perfect candidate to get their frustrations out on. If I was the cause, I had to have some level of control, right?

I would figure out how to live this life. There had to be a way. Other girls did it. Even if I was especially evil, there had to be others, there had to be another way to live. There had to be a way I could live, not just survive. I didn't know how I would find it, but I would. Though I had spent years trying, there was a renewed determination in me.

Even if I had to move into a cabin in the woods, grow my own food, wash my clothes in a stream, and never speak to another human again. Yes, I would be lonely…maybe to the point of insanity. But I wouldn't be tempting men, and I wouldn't be tainting other women, forcing them to suffer a life like mine.

As I drove to school, I fantasized about my life in the woods. I would have no one to hurt by my presence. Wasn't that exactly what a good girl would want to do? I would have all the time in the world to read my books. I would finally return to the forests that had given me so much unfiltered joy as a kid. I would have to learn how to preserve food, but that would be fine. Maybe I could get a dog, learn how to weave. The Quileutes had figured out how to survive the harsh winters, maybe I could, too.

I arrived at school and put my thoughts on the backburner, as I avoided hitting students who were too absorbed in their phones to notice my behemoth of a truck. I parked after navigating around them and began my walk into the school, taking slow, deep breaths.

Maybe I could have a chicken. I don't know if I'd have the heart to kill them, but the eggs would be nice.

From somewhere in the parking lot, a man shouted, "Yo, Cullen!" and I was suddenly reminded of the biggest hurdle in my plan. I was nearly frozen in place.

The Cullens. I hadn't thought about them yet today, and they hadn't been factored into my determination to be good. They would make things a lot harder. In fact, I didn't know if I could do it with them around. There was already a part of me yearning for more interaction, and since I'd already had that wonderful connection with the Cullens, the temptation was all the harder to resist.

There was too much of me that missed them, missed the me I had been when I was their friend. Back then, I didn't know I was evil, I didn't have to second guess my every word, my every movement, just in case. But I had changed, and so had they. It wouldn't be the same as back then, and I couldn't let myself think otherwise.

The temptation would be hard to avoid, but I had to face it. I wanted to run from it, to give myself time to think, or even just run away completely. I was flinging myself into the lion's den, for no reason other than avoiding truancy. I knew the consequences, should Phil find out. I didn't know the consequences should Charlie find out, so I stayed.

Be a good girl. Be a good girl.

However, I also knew the consequence should Phil find out I was being rude. If they tried to talk to me…I didn't know a polite way to brush them off if they tried to act familiar. Especially Edward…

Idiot. Like he or anyone would care to talk to you again. They stopped talking to you for a reason. Remember what Phil said, it was good that we stopped talking, because Edward was about to expect more.

I walked cautiously to my English class. I tried to avoid looking at anyone in case I made eye contact with one of them, but I didn't let my head dip down too low either. Bumping into someone would be just about the last thing I could deal with right now, and who knew if I would freak out again. Where would I go then?

Maybe two chickens in the forest. I'd need to learn to dry wood. I'd need to gain enough muscle to cut the wood…

I sat down in my spot gingerly, worried that any movement too fast would draw attention. I didn't know if I had one of them in my class, but I didn't want to risk it. Dr. Carlisle and Esme were so kind and open, who knew how big their family would be by now. They could have amassed their own personal army. No one with that name could be trusted, just in case.

No one can be trusted, idiot. No one at all, you should know that by now.

Just then, Edward entered the classroom, and my heart couldn't decide between soaring and sinking. He was so different, of course he was. We had been children the last time we'd seen each other, and puberty had changed him, inside and out.

He was bigger now, of course. He had muscle that was obvious through his shirt, but he wasn't bulky. His face had slimmed, showing off bone structure that belonged in a painting.

But what really gave it away was that hair. His hair hadn't changed at all, outside of the length and shape. The odd shade of it was hard to categorize. He wasn't a redhead, but to call him a brunette wouldn't be true either. Strawberry blond was far too light. He was in a category of his own. And it was messy, the way it had always been. He couldn't go more than an hour without running a hand through it. Emmett had joked that Edward was checking to make sure it was still there.

Apparently, he hadn't learned to trust it to stay put.

As he moved to his seat behind me, our eyes met. Those green eyes trapped me. I wanted to curse myself. I wanted to turn away, but his gaze was so familiar, and warm.

His eyes seemed sad, concerned, and…yearning. That was what gave me the strength to pull my gaze from his. I quickly looked down at my book, pretending I had to read the text, though I knew exactly what it said by now.

What was he yearning for? It certainly wasn't my friendship. Maybe he had already sensed that part of me that made me a target. Maybe he wanted to complete the urges he had all those years ago.

He was behind me, and I couldn't bring myself to turn and see where exactly he was. I could barely pay attention, until I heard the teacher say, "Yes, Edward?"

He started speaking, saying something I couldn't bring myself to really comprehend. I was too absorbed by the sound of it. His voice had always been gentle, most of the time anyway, but age had lowered the pitch significantly, leaving the sound rich, and velvety soft. It wasn't the harsh, low booming I was used to from angry men, ones with authority. Instead, it was low, lower than many of the other boys our age, and…so gentle. His tone wasn't coaxing, but soothing. His words wrapped around me, caressed me. Had I been more naive, it might have worked on me.

If Phil hadn't taught me better, I could have fallen for Edward's voice. It was much too inviting. And Edward would have pounced while my guard was down. Men who seemed kind and unthreatening were even more dangerous than the average man. At least the ones like Phil were honest with their intentions.

I spent the rest of the period furiously reminding myself of the sins of men, getting up the moment the bell rang, escaping into the hallway.

In my Spanish class, I found myself scanning the nearly full classroom, despite my goal of acting unaffected. My eyes landed on who had to be Alice Cullen. Her hair was short now, and of course, she was older, but she hadn't really changed. She looked to be no more than five feet tall, and she had the same easy smile and sharp features.

Thankfully, she wasn't looking back at me, and I looked down quickly before my one stroke of luck could change. I started making my way towards my usual seat on the far side of the room before someone shoved past me and took the spot. I carefully made sure to not change the expression on my face, despite my annoyance.

That left me with the very last spot in the classroom, the one in the very back, next to Alice. My luck can never stay good for longer than a second or two, huh?

I sat down next to her without a fuss, trying my best to act as though she was any other student in the classroom, not someone who had been a pseudo sister to me for years.

…

I was eight years old. It was my first summer back in Forks. It was Charlie's first weekend shift since I'd come home, and now that my mom wasn't around to care for me, I needed somewhere to be. Luckily, Esme, always one to lend a hand, offered to take me for the whole weekend. They framed it as some incredible sleepover, and that was exactly how it felt.

It was before they had started fostering Rosalie and Jasper. That was when things had gotten tense. It was before Phil was anything other than my mom's husband and my stepfather. It was when the worst thing in my life was the distance between Phoenix and Forks.

Alice, Emmet, Edward, and I played all day, and worked as hard as we could to stay up late into the night. Edward and I, while enjoying ourselves, were a bit overwhelmed by the exuberance of the other two. We kept trying to sneak off, but of course, they wouldn't let us. Emmett kept insisting that he couldn't roughhouse with Alice, who was only seven years old to his nine. For a while, Alice kept insisting that not only could they roughhouse, but she could take him. Eventually, she decided she wanted to be rid of the boys all together.

"Eddie, Emmy, leave me and Bella alone!" Alice shouted in a voice far more serious than the average seven-year-old could muster.

Edward, of course, was opposed to this, all of this. Not just being bossed around by his younger sister, or being called "Eddie," a nickname he had never identified with, but being banned from his best friend.

"Alice, you can't just take Bella, maybe she doesn't want to hang out with you!" Alice turned to me quickly, her face full of hurt and rejection, as though I had said the words myself.

"Of course, I want to hang out with you!" I insisted, trying to fix the hurt look in Alice's eyes.

We were young enough that we weren't really talking to each other during the school year when I was in Phoenix. Every once in a while, Renee would call Esme, and Edward and I would talk to each other for a bit, but that wasn't enough, especially at that age.

Alice was like a sister to me. A younger sister who pestered me, but a sister, nonetheless. I let Alice drag me up to her room, and she slammed the door behind us, giving us an illusion of privacy.

We sat on her bed, and she insisted on playing with my hair. The texture of her hair was such that if it was too much longer than her ears, it would work its way into snarls so stubborn, and so complicated, that her shouts could be heard across the house, as Esme worked to carefully brush through them.

Her fingers combed through my hair, which she had pulled free from my ponytail.

"I wish I could have hair like this, yours is so nice." I had heard this from her before. She always hated how I kept my hair up all the time, she preferred I leave it down, but I preferred to keep it out of my way. I wouldn't have minded having hair as short as hers, since I usually considered mine a nuisance. If the world was a just place, we would have traded. I would have had hair that was unmanageable, and therefore kept short, and she would have my long, tamable hair, perfect for playing with.

She chatted at me mindlessly as she worked, her little fingers occasionally stumbling over my long hair, causing a tangle that she had to brush out. She was looking at a magazine, carefully trying to copy the intricate do of the model.

"Edward is always hogging you, it's not fair! The other girls at school think I'm weird, and they won't play with me. I need you, Bella. I wish you hadn't moved away, when are you going to move back? I love my brothers, but I need a sister like you, and I can't only have a sister in the summer. I mean, who's heard of that?" As she chatted, I felt so comfortable, except for the sharp tugging on my hair, of course.

It was such a lovely time in my life. I guessed age played the biggest part in that. I didn't know better. I didn't hear the danger when Alice said Edward was hogging me. I had so few worries in my life. The evil had yet to touch me, or at least, had yet to show itself. The boys around me were the same, innocent, for the time being.

As Alice finished up, I heard the garage door opening downstairs, signifying Carlisle's arrival from work. Alice clapped her hands a few times, clearly pleased with her work, and physically turned me towards her mirror.

Had we been older, we might have noticed the lumpy, uneven braids, and the numerous flyaway hairs that were sticking out all over my head. But we were kids. So, in my reflection, I saw what I could only imagine to be the hairstyle of a princess. A princess during the middle of her movie, while she was living in the forest with woodland creatures, or perhaps small men, but a princess anyway.

I got up and moved closer to the mirror. I had yet to learn to hate my reflection, and everything it stood for. I was innocent, and I felt for the very first time…beautiful. From behind me, Alice smiled, her eyes all alight with joy in her work, and my reaction to it.

Apparently, waiting as long as she could, Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me out of her room, chattering about how excited she was to show everyone. I followed dutifully, partially due to my inability to make it out of her grip, and partially due to my shy excitement at wanting to show everyone, too.

When we arrived in the living room, Alice urged me to stay in the hallway, while she got their attention.

"Ahem!" Alice was using the tone of voice she used when she meant business, and it must've worked because the other chatter stopped. "Ladies and gentlemen, Bella!"

I took that as my cue and entered the living room. Everyone dutifully oohed and ahhed, and Esme came closer to inspect Alice's work, Carlisle shadowing her. The boys could only muster so much enthusiasm for hair, but Carlisle and Esme told me how lovely I was, and how wonderful Alice's work was.

I found myself blushing, pleased, but overwhelmed by all the positive attention. For the rest of the evening, I felt so lovely I could have been floating. Alice felt nearly the same satisfaction, claiming credit at every slight compliment.

That weekend, I felt like the school year I'd spent in Phoenix was nearly nothing. I jumped right back into my place among the Cullens. I was at peace, and I was home.

…

I had a sinking suspicion I would not be able to learn a thing this class period. Alice had always been too…cheerful…to let a moment of silence stay.

I was immediately proven correct when I heard a soft, "Hi, Bella!" from beside me. I took a deep breath, trying desperately to come up with the right strategy. Even talking to her could put me in Edward's path again, and if he turned his rage on me, it would hurt so much more than getting it from Phil. It wasn't worth it. I couldn't talk to her, I-

"Bella?" Alice prompted again, and I turned, resigning myself to talking to her, since she seemed to want to so badly.

"Hi, Alice." I gave her a small, closed mouth smile. Polite. Noncommittal. Of course, she beamed in return, a smile so radiant I almost felt it warming me, pulling a real smile from me. Almost.

"Bella, I can't believe you're back! It's been forever, I'm so happy you're here again!" She was nearly vibrating with…glee? I must have been reading her wrong. I was sure she was just jittery, maybe she was drinking coffee these days. Lots of coffee.

"How have you been? How are you liking it back? I'll bet Charlie missed you, we all did-"

At that moment, the teacher called the class to attention, singling out Alice.

Thankfully, Alice took Senorita Goff's warning seriously, and only commented sparingly. I found myself carefully and politely ignoring her chatter. At least, I hoped it was polite. She luckily picked up on my resistance and let the class go on without much more comment.

When class ended, I found her walking with me, talking about what had happened since I was last in town. Which meant she spoke endlessly, because of course, I had missed everything.

Luckily, she didn't ask anything back from me, taking my silent nods in stride.

"So, and I know this is going to sound really weird, but remember that none of us are really related, so it's not that big of a deal, but I'm dating Jasper, and Emmett and Rosalie are dating. Isn't that crazy? Mom and dad are kind of more strict now because of it, but who wouldn't want to be able to see your significant other all the time? Right? Oh, and I make clothes now, so if you're here for prom, I'd love to make your dress. You'll be here for prom, right? How long are you going to be here?"

When her questions finally stopped, I realized we had made our way to the biology room and were standing right outside. Alice was looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I was overwhelmed by her attention and questions, and found myself struggling to respond.

"I…uh, I don't really know how long I'll be here, I don't really know what else to say." Luckily, the clock was ticking, and she needed to go.

All she said was, "Well, I hope you're here for good, I hope that's not selfish!" and, as though she didn't want to give herself the chance to second guess, she threw herself at me.

I knew it was a hug had always been a hugger, and maybe normal people would have expected a hug in a moment like this. But all I could do was panic.

I had never been hit by a girl, and seeing both of her arms flung out, I knew she was intending to give me a hug. However, I couldn't stop my body from recoiling from her touch. I flinched back so violently, I found my back hitting the wall behind me, hard.

Alice's face dropped, and I saw her looking me up and down for a moment. I could nearly see myself reflected in her eyes. I couldn't help but imagine what she saw. A broken girl, cowering from someone who had once been a friend, cowering from an innocent hug.

I couldn't hide my reaction, but luckily, Alice managed to hide hers, her smile returning to her face. "Well, have a good class period!" and she darted away down the hall. There was something in me that felt lost, watching her disappear in the crowd of students.

But I didn't let myself dwell on it. Instead, I shook off my tension and entered the biology classroom, preparing to face the biggest complication I would have to withstand: Edward.