A/N- This chapter contains references to physical and emotional abuse and manipulation. Please consider this when deciding to.

Thanks as always to Dollybigmomma and my sister for reading ahead and helping make my nonsense into slightly better nonsense!

Bella

I entered my biology class, my breath held, waiting for my eyes to meet with a man from whom I expected nothing but torment from. Instead, they landed on Edward. Just Edward.

After only a short but in-depth examination of his face this morning, my anxiety had made him into a type of villain. I had imagined him to be looking at me cruelly, his lips twisted into a harsh grin, and a glint of evil in those green eyes. Instead, he was looking down at something on the notebook in front of him, and I could see his face tilted slightly.

I couldn't see his eyes, as he was bent over his notebook. There was a furrowing of his brow that he always wore when he was anxious or thinking hard. There was a sort of comfort to see something familiar from my childhood.

That feeling sent chills through my body, and I tried to shut down that false sense of comfort.

That was what he wanted, for me to get comfortable and let my guard down. But there was a part of me, no matter how hard I tried to stomp it down, that felt drawn to that small wrinkle, a vestige of the young boy I used to love.

I walked towards Edward, my hackles rising with each step. He looked up at me, and I forced myself to sit down next to him anyway. I avoided his gaze, which seemed locked on me, instead giving my chair and then my bag all my attention.

That's always how Phil looks when he's figuring out what to do to me.

Still feeling his piercing eyes on me, I pulled my book and notebook out of my bag, flipping to a blank page.

My heart was racing, and my mouth was dry. There was no way Edward couldn't hear it pounding in my hollow chest. I took slow and deep breaths as quietly as I could.

What was wrong with me? I knew showing signs of fear was one of the most dangerous things I could do. I was a deer, frozen in the headlights of an approaching car. Only, unlike the deer, I wasn't watching the danger come towards me. I was foolishly looking away, as though pretending I couldn't see the danger meant that it couldn't see me.

I wished I could have that cottage in the forest already.

As I took my deep breaths, there was a scent I became aware of. I couldn't name it, any part of it. It was for sure artificial, maybe a mix of shampoo, deodorant, and laundry detergent. It wasn't overpowering, like when someone doused themselves in body spray after gym class in lieu of a shower. It was subtle, and undoubtedly masculine.

It was Edward. I knew it was. It caused a war inside of me. Maybe if I were a normal girl, I could have just appreciated it, maybe even found myself attracted to it, but instead, I pictured it as a trap. One I was refusing to fall into.

All throughout class, I found myself focusing intently on Mr. Molina, before catching another whiff and cursing myself. As the end of the class approached, the teacher told us that tomorrow we would be doing a lab and working with our partners.

I internally chanted to myself all the reasons why it would be okay, and how I would be able to control the situation, when from beside me, I felt Edward lean close to me. I froze, expecting the worst, but all I heard was a hushed, "Looks like we're going to be working together, partner."

Then, the bell rang, and I was too flustered to be prepared to bolt out the door. I stuffed my things in my bag and tried to escape the biology class, but the swell of students was already bottlenecking at the door. There was a constant, blurry awareness that I had of Edward. He hadn't packed up as quickly as I had, seeming to really take his time. I gritted my teeth, as I forced myself to keep my back to him.

Not here. He can't get you here. In public, you're safe, I kept reminding myself, as I made my way slowly through the doorway.

I was a bit more aggressive than normal, moving into the spots I would normally wait for others to fill. When I finally made my way into the hallway, Alice was already waiting for me. I needed a break. I wanted to be good, but the Cullens were pushing my limits.

Alice was acting normal, but I could see something different in her expression, different from how she had looked at me just an hour ago. It was like something I'd noticed in some hospital staff when I'd ended up there after a punishment. They knew I deserved it; I could tell. They avoided looking me in the eye, too disgusted by my presence.

Alice was finally seeing me for what I was: rotten. No doubt, she would go spread the news. My friends would leave me, but I would finally be rid of the hardest part of Forks: the chance of having the Cullens in my life again, and the risk of getting it wrong.

I felt a small, dark part of me reaching out. It wasn't like we were friends again, like when we were kids, but I didn't expect that the thought of them hating me would hurt so much. The splintering beginning in my heart proved me wrong. I hadn't known I was still holding onto hope, but as I was facing that last chance, I felt nearly breathless with the sudden desperation to stay in the state of limbo that would let hope remain.

But Alice didn't acknowledge my wickedness. She didn't make excuses to be rid of me, or even ignore me. Instead, Alice began marching us to the cafeteria, picking up the chatter where she had last left off. I wasn't sure why she wanted to pretend everything was fine, but I guessed it was the preferable outcome. The cracks in my heart began closing slowly, still waiting for the moment when I would lose it all.

I again let Alice fill the conversation, which she was all too happy to do by herself. I tried to get rid of that sudden desperate feeling, but I noticed Edward had fallen into step behind us, and the desperation turned into the panicky feeling of being chased, despite the near standstill pace.

He isn't following you; he's just walking to the same place. You haven't done anything to provoke him, and since he hasn't acted yet, there's no real reason he'd start now. Right?

Of course, he would be with us. The Cullens all sat together, and since we were all heading to lunch, even if he wasn't intentionally following me, he would take the same path.

Despite Alice's casual chatter, and the crowd pushing at our backs, the feeling of Edward "following" me made me jumpy. As we entered the cafeteria, Alice and Edward made their way towards the table that seemed reserved for them, and Alice only stopped when I managed to unhook my arm from hers.

"Bella? Aren't you going to sit with us?" Alice asked, and I found myself frozen. I didn't know what to say, how to go about it, all I knew was that I couldn't sit with her, much less with the rest of them.

Even if Edward wasn't sitting with them, there would still be Emmett and Jasper, though Rosalie and Alice would be far, far too much.

Then, as though she was sent by her namesake, Angela appeared beside me, laying a gentle hand on my arm. When I turned to look at her, the look she gave me told me she knew what was going through my mind, and exactly how to help.

"Hey, Bella, Jessica and I need to talk to you, c'mon!" She said it cheerfully, but in a way that left no room for argument.

I turned back to Alice and Edward, feigning being apologetic. "Sorry, I already agreed to sit with them." But before I had to find anything else to say, Angela hooked her arm through mine and whisked me away.

She let out a hushed, "Sorry if you wanted to sit with them, you just looked a bit panicked."

I started shaking my head immediately, too overwhelmed with gratitude. "No, that was perfect, thank you so much." We got to our table and sat down. I thought for sure Angela would begin questioning why I wanted to be away from them so quickly, but instead, she said nothing. She went about unpacking her lunch, which I had noticed had grown since my first few days.

Angela always shared her lunch, though I only ever picked at it. I knew what she was doing. She wanted to make sure I ate. She had always been so sweet as a child, and time hadn't yet ruined her.

Truly, I didn't know what I had done, or what I had ever done, to deserve someone as sweet as Angela. She was trying to be kind to me. Her sweetness made me worry for her. Surely, she wouldn't be so sweet to me if she knew how awful I was. With her kindness and apparent naivety, she certainly had a target nearly as bright as mine. She wouldn't deserve it, of course, but men always liked ruining pure and innocent things, especially people.

She had a boyfriend, Ben, who she'd been with since sophomore year. He seemed nice enough, though that didn't mean anything. What was strange, though, was how calm she was around him. He tended to sit at a different table, but every once in a while, he would sneak up behind her and kiss the top of her head, resting his hands on her shoulders. While I would have stiffened like a statue at the claiming position of a man's hands from behind me, Angela just leaned back into him, smiling happily, her eyes closing.

It really confused me. I hadn't ever found myself watching other people…well, not girls. I usually watched the boys as well as I could, trying to figure out exactly who they were and what they were about. But never girls. I didn't know what to make of it.

As I found myself lost in thought, Jessica's excited voice cut through my examination.

"So, Bella, there's going to be a bonfire party this Friday at La Push, do you want to go?" I turned to her, my mind somehow refusing to process what she had said.

I expected any invite to come in a snide tone, but that was not what I heard. The look on her face was simply excited, and instead of the feigned innocence I was expecting, I just saw her open smile. Past her, Angela was doing the same thing, now that Ben had walked back to his table with the other boys who always seemed just a bit too close.

I took a moment, unsure really why I was humoring her. "What do you mean, a bonfire party?" It didn't really matter what she said. There was no way it would be safe for someone like me, or that I would be able to do anything social outside of school hours.

Jessica's eyes glittered, and she took a deep breath, apparently thrilled to gab at me. "It's this great party that happens usually in the fall before it gets too cold. It's kind of our last few chances to party before winter comes, and we have to wait for someone's parents to leave-"

Angela cut her off, and I smiled gratefully. "It's down on the beach, the tides will be low, so we'll have more room to spread out. Some people drink, but not everyone. There'll be people grilling, guys will throw around footballs, and there's big enough fires that you don't have to freeze." I was happy she gave me the real details.

"Oh, I…uh…I don't know about that. I'm not really much of a party person…" Angela started shaking her head, which surprised me. I'd pegged Jessica as the one to refute my excuses.

"It's really lowkey, I promise. I was intimidated by them at first, too, but it's really just an excuse to get away from adults and socialize. Please, just come check it out? If you drive yourself, you can leave the second you're uncomfortable, but these parties are really the only social scene we have here outside of school."

Jessica nodded beside her, "And if even Angela is willing to go, I know you'll enjoy yourself." Jessica teased Angela, who barely contained her grin and rolled her eyes. "Keep your mind open, okay? I'll text you the details."

Jessica reached for her phone, but I put my hand down on it quickly, stopping her. "No!"

Both of them looked at me like I'd grown a second head, and I didn't blame them. What the hell was I doing? I was talking to friends about going to a party. Who the hell was I? But I knew I had to stop there.

"I just…I kinda think my dad might be checking my texts or something. I don't want him to know about it," I said nervously.

But to my surprise, Angela again rolled her eyes. "Right? I don't know if they can actually read the messages, but I put Ben in my phone as Leah just in case they check my call logs. My dad is so against boys, it's a wonder he didn't find some all-girls school to send me to."

That made me stop for a moment. Her dad? He was a pastor if I remembered correctly. But she hid her boyfriend from him? Why would she risk that? I mean, of course she couldn't let him know about Ben, but having an entire secret relationship would be so much worse.

"Aren't you worried he's going to find out?" The question blurted out of me before I could think better of it.

A long time ago, Phil had warned me never to ask other girls about their treatment. He'd said that if I couldn't tell, they were likely to be the good girls who didn't get the cruelty. He'd said that asking would reveal to them how horrible I was, or that somehow, my evil nature would rub off on them, leading them to a life like mine. It was the main reason he said I couldn't have friends, because I was too rotten for them, and one bad apple like me would spoil the rest.

I felt guilty for it now, but I just didn't know how to keep myself at a distance anymore. I was so, so lonely now that I didn't even have Renee. There was a part of me that had started to rear its ugly head. I didn't know where it came from. Maybe that was the evil part of me that Phil had been talking about. Maybe it was only his threats and anger and beatings that kept it at bay. Maybe this time without any visible threats had made it come to life.

There was a desperation to it, and it scared me. Maybe it really would infect others around me. Maybe someone would notice, and anyone who could have been my friend would flee, getting the attention from the cruel men who wanted to hurt me more.

I was pulled from my brief spiral by Angela smiling at me, a gleam of mischief I had never seen in her before. "Sometimes, parents never find out. Sometimes, even if they do, it's worth it." She left her statement as is, and my mind went quiet for just a moment before the flood gates opened.

All the thoughts I'd had in the past few days raced around in my head, and I tried to make sense of them all with the new information I had. I had been thinking that it seemed nearly impossible to be the good girl Phil said I needed to be. Even trying my best, I earned punishments anyway. I was so, so miserable, and it seemed that everything I did was wrong.

But was it possible that there was another way? I was always on edge, and I constantly lived in fear. But Angela and Jessica appeared to be fine. The way Angela relaxed into Ben's touch. The way Jessica was constantly shooting looks at the table of boys near us. Neither seemed afraid.

Maybe they hadn't gotten the lessons I had gotten, but they were being bad, too. Angela was hiding a boyfriend from her father, probably sneaking around with him, and Jessica was constantly flirting.

They both looked happy. Meanwhile, I was miserable.

Maybe, if I was going to be punished anyway, I could let myself live a little? Maybe, if the pain of the world, and perhaps men, was unable to be avoided, maybe I just had to accept it.

Maybe I needed to change.

…

As I drove home, my mind was swimming with my new realization. It seemed like the punishments they received were worth the life they got to live. Could the same be true for me? Could I experience the life I hadn't been allowed to live for years?

But what would I even do? It wasn't as if I wanted a boyfriend, like Angela. I didn't want to talk to boys all the time like Jessica.

All I would want would be to have my friends back. But that wouldn't be worth it. It was one thing to disobey and have fun but get punished later, but a whole other thing to be punished by what was supposed to be my reward.

I couldn't get my friends back. Time had changed them. There was no way I could try to be friends with them again, especially Edward. I had always cared about Edward too much.

Phil was right, that other people would still want to hurt me, and if Edward was one of those people, I wouldn't be able to keep my precious memories of a childhood friend safe from being tainted. Phil had already pointed out all the times when Edward had tried to be alone with me, and just because he hadn't done anything didn't mean he wouldn't have. He had probably been preparing for it. Those thoughts alone made it hard to think of child-Edward positively, I wouldn't be able to bear having any other proof.

Proof was what I needed right now. Not about Edward, but about Charlie. I needed to find his breaking point, or at least find out where it wasn't. If Angela was right, that sometimes living was worth the punishment, I would need to experiment.

I decided I needed to test Charlie. I knew what would make Phil snap - just about anything - but Charlie was still a mystery. I hid my important homework in my room and worked on the simple math assignment I had been given today at the kitchen table. I had my phone with me, and I was listening to music through my headphones.

I hadn't started dinner before Charlie got home. I planned on popping the lasagna into the oven, so my test wouldn't stall the process too much. Should this be where he snapped, I wouldn't have to work in the kitchen with fresh injuries.

As I heard Charlie's cruiser pull into the driveway, I found myself nervous, though resigned to my plan. To my amazement, though, when I looked up from my homework and pretended I hadn't noticed the time passing, confessing that I hadn't put the lasagna in the oven, he didn't seem upset at all.

"That's no problem, Bells. I really appreciate you doing so much cooking. My diet has gotten pretty abysmal of late, and your great cooking has been quite a treat." And without incident, Charlie moved past me and up the stairs to change out of his uniform.

I looked after him, trying to find some shadow of disappointment or frustration in his tone, but I found none. Getting up and sliding the lasagna into the oven, I sat back down at the kitchen table.

I itched to go back to my room, where my torment was at least behind a meager wooden door. But I was determined to stay downstairs until the end of the night, or Charlie snapped, whichever came sooner.

When Charlie came back down the stairs, he entered the kitchen, but only to grab a beer before moving to the living room, where he put his feet up and turned on the TV. It seemed like the TV was perhaps quieter than it normally was, like he was trying not to intrude on me. It was an odd thought, that a man might be considerate of me in any way, but I didn't know why else he would have turned the volume down.

I lightly pondered this thought, while I resumed my homework. At no point did Charlie shout for me to get him another beer, nor did he enter the kitchen to torment me. I guessed I wasn't really expecting him to come in. After all, if merely existing was enough to provoke Charlie, I doubted the stairs and the closed bedroom door would have stopped him.

All too soon, the lasagna was done, and I was calling Charlie to dinner. Instead of taking his plate to the living room like I had expected, Charlie joined me at the kitchen table, grabbing silverware and asking if I wanted a glass of water with dinner.

I was stunned, but I tried not to let it show, instead nodding wordlessly and hurrying to clear the table of my homework. He got us some water and laid out our silverware. We sat together in near silence as we ate, only the appreciative sounds from Charlie making any noise.

That was, until Charlie looked at me and said, "So, how has school been going?" He looked like he wanted a real answer, not like he was waiting to say something cruel the way Phil always did.

I put my fork down and hesitantly replied, "It's been alright. The material is much the same as it was in Phoenix."

"And how are your friends, you talking to the Cullens again?" His tone was casual. I didn't know if Charlie was a good actor, but he had always seemed so transparent when I was a child, it was hard to imagine. Though, there was a part of me that was worried he was asking just to give the information to Phil.

You're experimenting, you need to see what happens, so say it, coward.

"I'm lab partners with Edward, but I haven't really been talking to them yet." Yet, the word slipped out without my permission, and Charlie looked a bit…disappointed? "I've been closer with Angela and Jessica. I've had lunch with them every day." There. If he was an agent of Phil, he would know I was forming some kind of attachment, friends instead of acquaintances.

But Charlie seemed pleased to hear about my forming friendships. "That's great, Bells, I'm glad you're making friends, but why haven't you been talking to the Cullens? As far as I hear, they're still great kids." Again, he didn't seem to be saying this with any hidden message. My head felt like it would explode.

"I'm not sure, we've just changed a bit, I guess. Alice and I talked a little today, but she was really just catching me up." I guessed some sick, curious part of me was really begging for some kind of lesson, just to know what would cause it, so I continued. "She told me that she and Jasper are dating, so are Rosalie and Emmett."

"Oh, I've heard. It caused quite the stir when Rosalie and Emmett started dating, but I can assure you, I've spoken to Esme, and it sounds like nothing untoward is going on in that house. Besides, they're not blood, and in a town this small, that's somewhat of a feat. Back when I was in high school, it wasn't unheard of for some kids to suddenly stop dating once they'd met the other's parents, and they found a connection."

Again, I was stunned. I didn't know how my eyebrows weren't in my hairline with how shocked I'd felt this whole night. Charlie didn't seem upset at the idea of them dating, and he didn't even take the opportunity to remind me not to date.

The rest of dinner passed with more casual conversation, and when I got up to do the dishes, Charlie stopped me. He told me it was his turn, that I should finish my homework, which I elected to do in my room. I'd had enough experimentation for the night.

When I checked in with Renee and Phil, nothing happened. I was sure there would be some kind of threat, especially after the events of the weekend, but I barely got an acknowledgement.

The world I went to sleep in that night didn't seem the same as the one I had been waking up in for the past seventeen years, and that sent me into the deepest, most comfortable sleep I'd had in years.