Mongoose and the Snake

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival

-C.S. Lewis-

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

"There are no ladies here, as you keep informing us," Ciel interrupted sharply. His pride still stung from the earlier reprimand he'd been subjected to, though that paled considerably in the wake of the sheer rage he that bubbled and boiled over every time he thought of that smug grin on Cole's insufferable face.

Charles considered his earlier words. "...and those who do not ascribe to the European gender binary?"

"An interesting take. I have travelled to multiple countries with citizens that include three or more gender identities," Sebastian chimed in. He stretched out an arm and deftly caught the blazer Ciel had tossed violently over his shoulder, folding it into a neat little square. "Consider the Native American alyha..."

"You are both trying my patience."

"...mothers and fuckers of the jury?"

"I'm going to kill you and make it look like an accident," Ciel hissed, flinging the basket of freshly baked teacakes at Charles and narrowly missing his head by mere centimetres. Sebastian stretched out his other arm and caught that as well, tutting quietly to himself while Ciel continued to fume all the way to the plush armchair that technically belonged to the demon. "Can you just say what you want to say and get out? How do you keep getting into this dormitory anyway, isn't this why we have prefects and hall monitors?"

Producing a plate of sponge cake smeared liberally with fluffy white icing and topped high with strawberries, Sebastian interjected smoothly before Charles could open his mouth and derail the topic further. "Maybe we ought to focus on the current issue?"

"Right!" Charles grinned and gestured widely at Ciel. "This is what happens when you don't take advantage of your resources Phantomhive!"

A scoff, "my resources? You mean you?"

"Well I didn't exactly come here to repeat my teenage years," Charles shrugged, eyeing the cake in front of Ciel before waving his arm in front of Sebastian until he sighed and dropped the wicker basket of now slightly misshapen teacakes into his hand.

Ciel frowned. "...how old are you exactly?"

"The point is," Charles ignored him, "Cole. What have you noticed about him?"

The sponge cake tore apart easily beneath the prongs of his fork. Ciel pondered for a moment before narrowing his eyes. "His hands."

Sebastian's brows wrinkled bemusedly as he refilled the teapot. "His hands?"

"Every boy here, especially the fags, all have rough hands with calluses from all the menial labour and chores they have to perform for the upperclassmen," Ciel said. "But Maurice Cole's hands are completely unblemished."

"In other words, he's employing dirty methods just like you?"

"Like knows like," Charles snickered and shoved a cake into his mouth, swallowing without chewing. "It's one thing to deceive people into performing tasks for you, but I'll admit that I can't deal with this level of petty shallowness. Just because you're cuter than he is? Hmph, clearly he must not have much going for him if that's all it takes."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you call me cute and just assume you have a point to this monologue." The strawberries in the sponge were fat, almost painfully so. A single prick of his fork sent rivers of pale pink juices soaking into the icing.

Another cake disappeared into Charles's mouth. He chewed it this time, savouring the burst of orange zest and fluffy meringue filling before licking his lips and replying. "As popular as Cole is within his own dormitory, it's impossible to not have enemies or at least dissenters. He's been stringing younger red students along by dangling the potential reward of becoming his fag, and he's been tempting other house students along by promising to put in a good word for them at P4 meetings. Fortunately he likely isn't the sort to keep faces in mind."

Dark blue eyes narrowed. "Are you telling me you can get me names?"

"I'm telling you I can get you witnesses, though chances are they'll be unlikely to actually speak to you. What with the whole 'skipping the P4 meeting' crime and all."

"That will be my duty," Sebastian smiled benignly, looking every bit like the kind, scholarly teacher he wasn't.

Though still smarting from earlier, Ciel's eyes took on a familiar scheming gleam in the low lamplight. "Beyond that, I want to know his day-to-day schedule. It would have been easier if you'd simply ended up in the scarlet dormitory, but houses are based on personality and status."

Charles shrugged helplessly. "I'm not rich enough to have ended up there. Besides, you have no idea what kind of strings I had to pull to end up in violet house anyway! You can only whip out the 'long lost child' card so many times before people get tired of it."

Sebastian tapped his chin thoughtfully, "so what we need is someone brash, rich enough that they won't even question his house placement, and a person who would require obviously special admittance-"

The answer hit all three of them like a cannonball smashing through a window. Ciel turned to stare at Charles's increasingly maniacal grin and felt his heart drop somewhere near his stomach. "No. No, no, no-"

The demon in the corner cocked his head thoughtfully. "He does meet all the requirements," Sebastian pointed out, "and he would be happy to help."

"Yes. Legally, we have to! For Queen and country Phantomhive!"

"You're not even from here! Urgh," Ciel let out a long, dismayed groan before huffing and sinking into the couch with a sullen scowl. "Fine, I suppose necessity knows no law. We'll call him. But I refuse to deal with him, and he'd better not make a scene!"

oOo

Two days later, Ciel and Charlotte watched from the school grounds as a parade of silk-draped elephants and banner-wielding dancers and courtesans marched through the gates. The afternoon sun glinted brightly off gold leaf and silver bands, almost blinding onlookers with the sheer spectacle. Ciel lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the glare. "He had one fucking job."

"I didn't expect him to come on an elephant," Sebastian hummed aloud.

"It's called making an entrance," Charles replied cheerfully as a particularly feisty elephant swung its trunk and knocked someone's hat off.

Ciel sneered though even he couldn't help grinning with a mix of glee at how well this plan was going, and some second-degree pride at knowing someone others were impressed by. "Well I suppose the seal of foreign royal approval is the real deal. As long as he sticks to the plan then I suppose I don't mind if he acts the rich fool.."

Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Ciel turned his head an inch to the side and found himself making eye contact with the prince through the twirling purple banners. Wincing, Ciel braced himself. "CIEL! HEY CIEL, I'M HERE! YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID YOU WERE LONELY, I WOULD HAVE COME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! OI, CIEL!"

"Fucking hell."

Sebastian lifted a hand to ostensibly muffle a cough though he couldn't quite hide the choked off laughter. "Language please."

"Fucking heck," he spat with even more vitriol.

Charles didn't even pretend to hide his loud cackles at the scandalized expressions of those who had been close enough to overhear him. "Oh this is going to amazing. HEY SOMA! OVER HERE!" He jumped up and down and waved his arms wildly until an elephant trunk wrapped itself around his waist and lifted him bodily into the air, depositing Charles into the plush interior of the howdah. A second later, a screaming Ciel landed next to him.

"I'm so happy to see you both!" Soma beamed, scrambling up from his reclined position to distribute enthusiastic hugs. "You both seem to be in wonderful health!"

"Same to you! How was the trip?" Charles inquired, zeroing in on a half-eaten tray of chana dal and naanbread.

"Eh," the prince shrugged with a wry smile, "it was a little difficult because Agni wanted to come along, but according to school rules students aren't allowed to bring servants with them."

Ciel clicked his tongue quietly and his eyes darted to the side. "Well...normally that's true. Truthfully, I called you here for a reason." Sensing the shift in tension, Soma's carefree grin was replaced by a serious expression as he gave the younger boy his full attention. "I had a fight with a boy from the dorm you're in, a senior named Maurice Cole. As you know," ugh, soft emotions, Ciel gritted his teeth but forced the words out, "I don't have many friends, so I'm not sure how to make up with him."

Suppressing the urge to shudder, Ciel peeked up to see if the prince had swallowed the lie. He almost recoiled in shock when he was met with two tear-stained faces. "Ciel, of course I'll help you! To others you come off as gloomy, but I know you're a kind boy!"

Alright so that was one step of his plan taken care of. He turned to glare at Charles. "Why the hell are you crying?"

Fat tears slid down his cheeks as Charles held up the bowl of dal. Soma winced. "Did you eat one of the peppers? Yeah, this dish isn't exactly white people friendly – no offence. You don't have to keep eating it."

Still sniffling, Charles hugged bowl closer to his chest and shoved the last strip of bread into his mouth. "If I die, I leave my scythe to Agni."

Ciel sighed as he watched Charles chug the last of the soup straight from the bowl while Soma cheered them on. I am entirely surrounded by idiots.

If this was a modern setting, Charlotte would be an unabashed camera hoe. Also spicy food is delicious and those who cannot tolerate the feeling of their tastebuds being gently dipped in the fires of hell are WEAK (jk but seriously vindaloo is amazing)