The Holy Shirou War - Chapter 12, "Emiya Shirou (Attacking Key Signature)"

...

As their projection training progressed, Saber had shown Shirou the Rulebreaker blade, and allowed him to carefully take and study it, to add into his arsenal. It was an incredibly useful blade to have, after all.

He also displayed to Shirou his own altered miniature version of Rho Aias, which could be used as a makeshift shield to defend against harsh impacts and bullets, especially when used in tandem with bodily reinforcement. It served Saber incredibly well during his own lifetime, defending him against many terrorists and terrorist attacks, both magical and non-magical.

And they had gone to the yard, too, so Saber could show Shirou a full version of Rho Aias, in case he ever needed to use it. Though at this point, Shirou would probably only be able to project only 3 petals, maybe 4 at most. Even 5 if he strained himself, now that he had fully opened his magical circuits and had gained a bit of Saber's knowledge and proficiency in projection.

...

And after they headed back, it was as they had started continuing with their projection magecraft training, that they began to discuss a bit about the strange nature of this Holy Grail War.

Saber knew, more than anyone, that Shirou didn't like the idea of others getting hurt for him, be they male or female.

Even if they were stronger, even supernaturally much, much stronger than he was.

And that Shirou would always bullheadedly insist on fighting besides his servant, no matter how powerless he was, and no matter how stupid of an idea it was (as Saber could now tell, after his own multiple lifetime's worth of experience and training).

In some ways, this kind of Holy Grail War may have even been much easier on Emiya Shirou than fighting other Servants, since Emiya Shirou wouldn't be needing to hurt others, but only other versions of Emiya Shirou.

Still, though, for as much of an self-sacrificial idiot and survivor's guilt sufferer that Emiya Shirou was, even he didn't like to actively hurt himself or see himself hurt. He was a survivor, after all. Not a self-harming idiot or an intentional death-seeker.

But even if it was just another version of himself, Emiya Shirou was still not the type to like to see others get hurt (even if it was himself).

It hurt even someone like Emiya Shirou, for him to hurt himself.

And that was a good thing.

If Emiya Shirou didn't have at least that much self-preservation instinct, he would've died the first few times he tried to seriously save someone.

And undeniably, in some ways, it was much more disturbing to see a mirror image of yourself get hurt than it was to see other people who were strangers to you get hurt.

In fact, for most normal people, it would be much more disturbing to see that, another person get hurt.

But for Emiya Shirou, at least, it would be much easier on him to see and feel himself take on the injuries that would otherwise suffer from.

Saber sighed. He really would have to do something about that.

[]

Seeing his chance to address Shirou's mentality and tendencies as Shirou was focusing on practicing his magecraft skills, Saber broke the silence with a question.

"Say, Shirou-kun." Saber addressed, "Why do you want to save others?"

"Huh?" Shirou was confused by the out-of-the-blue question, and moreover, shouldn't Saber already know the answer?

"We-well..." Shirou pondered, "I've never really though about it much..."

Shirou thought about it for a moment.

"...But I guess..."

"...Yeah?"

"...I guess, it was because Kiritsugu looked so happy when he saved me..." Shirou paused, recalling his old man's face fondly. "...That I wanted to be like him."

"And...?"

"And..." Shirou hesitated.

He didn't want to mention it, because it brought back haunting memories of those cries and screams, and of that fiery day in his own personal hell.

But he knew it was no use to hide it from Saber, who was likely looking specifically for that answer, and who already knew what his true reasons were, by virtue of having already lived as and through the life of Emiya Shirou.

"...And, I guess..."

Shirou struggled to get the words out...

"...Because if I don't then, I..."

Shirou took a deep breath, before admitting his true reason for wanting to save people.

"...I feel like I'll have survived for nothing." Shirou admitted, "Like I'll ignoring all those screams, and walking past all those people, all over again."

It wasn't a desire born out of genuine selflessness, but out of a sense of guilt.

"Like I'd be trampling upon the lives and wishes of all those people, who could only beg me in tears to save them, while I could only helpless watch and walk past them..."

"..."

"...So, if I don't save others, how could I possibly redeem myself? How could I possibly think about myself and my own happiness, if I don't at least try my best to save as many other people as I can? I couldn't bear to live in such a selfish way!"

To normal, people perhaps this way of life would seem selfless and heroic. But Saber knew that wasn't the case. And to some extent, Saber knew that Shirou knew that, too.

No, if anything, perhaps it was the opposite of selflessness.

This itself was Emiya Shirou's way of being selfish, his way of finding meaning and purpose in his life. Of selfish building his own ego, self-esteem and self-identity on the Kiritsugu's ideals, on the ideal of "saving as many people as possible", twisting an already flawed ideal to even more corrupted form.

"..." Hearing Shirou's confession, Saber nodded.

"...So, you want to be a hero so you can relieve your own guilt, and to find meaning in yourself, by helping others. Is that right?"

Shirou paused as he considered that for a moment, before nodding.

That was entirely correct, and very succulent summation. But the way Saber had put it into perspective like that had made him realize, that maybe, what he was doing wasn't all that different from what other people were doing and seeking, as well, if only that Shirou himself was just doing it by more indirect methods.

"Shirou-kun," Saber started, a serious tone in his voice, "Take it from my own, and your own, personal experience - you are currently very mistaken about how to find your own meaning and happiness. And how to relieve your guilt, as well."

"What...?" Shirou wanted to deny it. After all, to deny Emiya Shirou's way of living was essentially to deny Emiya Shirou himself.

But looking into Saber's eyes, he could tell Saber was right. Not just from his eyes, but from the authority in his voice, and from the emotions flowing from the Master-Servant link that bonded and connected the two.

So instead of being angry and offended, like he normally would (especially if Archer had been the one to reproach him, instead), he asked on softly and curiously instead, "...What do you mean, Saber?"

Shirou continued, "...And if I'm wrong, then how am I supposed to live instead?"

"Don't worry," Saber said, "I'll tell you."

"...But first," Saber put on an amused smile, as if enjoying a personal little in-joke, "...How do you feel about Archer?"

"...About Archer?" Shirou didn't see how that had to do with anything, "...I haven't talked with Archer that much, so I don't know."

Shirou answered him honestly.

Saber smiled lightly.

"I know. But even so, how do you feel about Archer?"

Shirou paused, a bit ashamed to answer.

"...I don't like him."

Shirou replied, even more honestly, "...I know it's not fair, since I don't even know him. But, something about his aura tells me that he and I just could never get along well."

It was an unreasonable blind prejudice, especially since he didn't actually know Archer. But there was something about Archer that disturbed him, on an almost instinctual level.

"That's exactly right. Your instincts are correct." Saber said, "But why is that?"

"Well..."

Shirou thought to himself for a few moments, but he came up completely blank.

"I don't know..."

Saber let out a small amused chuckle. "Well, that's only natural. After all, you've never interacted with him in this Holy Grail War."

Saber continued, "So I'll tell you why."

Shirou listened closely.

"It's because that Archer is how you would've ended up as, if you continued to follow you current ideals to the end." Saber explained, "He's the perfect version of the Emiya Shirou that endlessly sought after his naive ideals of "saving everyone, regardless of friend or foe"."

"..."

Shirou wanted to deny that, but he suddenly found that he couldn't.

There was something inside him, maybe something he had gotten from Saber during their training, and which Saber had gotten from Archer during their clash, that nestled within Shirou, telling Shirou and convincing him that Saber was entirely right and entirely correct. That Archer really was the truly form of Emiya Shirou that reached the peak of his current ideals; the form that Emiya Shirou, as he was now, would take on, if he never stopped to re-evaluate his ideals and what he truly sought after.

"...But, but...can't I also end up like you?" Shirou argued, wanting to see some good in his current ideals, in his own internal character and ideals, which had taken on the form of Kiritsugu's, and which had inherited Kiritsugu's will.

"No."

Saber shot down the idea immediately and harshly, much to Shirou's disappointment.

"I've only become the way I am because I met Artoria," Saber said, "And because of Rin's help, and the help of countless other amazing people I've met and saved along the way."

Saber sounded fond and nostalgic, recalling the memories and experiences of his own life.

"It's only because of them, that I was able to shed off my dependence on Kiritsugu's ideals and to find the true form of my own ideals; to find my own happiness and meaning. And I was only able to do that because I met Artoria, and because she saved my heart."

Saber smiled, though his next line carried a bit of sadness to it.

"It was because of Artoria that my heart was saved, before it could sink into the depths of its own personal hell, like Archer's did."

"..."

"And it was only because she became my cornerstone and foundation, that I was able to save myself; and that I was able to listen to everyone around me who was telling me I was an idiot." Saber chuckled, "And they were right! Especially Tohsaka."

And then, Saber gripped Shirou firmly by the shoulders, and looked Shirou straight in the eye.

"So listen, Shirou-kun. It's not a crime to find happiness for yourself, even if you aren't able to save everyone. Save those you can save - but don't regret those you can't. Sometimes there are people you just can't save, and learning to accept that and move past that is also part of learning to become a true hero."

His voice filled with sincerity, he gave Shiro the same pep-talk that Tohsaka had given him, though the exact words were a bit different.

"Your duty isn't to save everyone, without end. But to carry on the will of those who have fallen, and of those you couldn't save. And to live a happy and free life, in place of the ones who couldn't."

"That's..."

"It's not wrong to want to save others, or to want an ending where no one is hurt and everyone can be happy." Saber continued, "But, don't end up sacrificing yourself in the process."

Shirou was a bit reluctant to accept, but he knew Saber was right. He could feel it in his heart.

There were so many things that Shirou could say and wanted to say to defend his current way of living, even if it was wrong. But he found himself mute before Saber's Advice and Life Wisdom, gained from his own experience.

It was like Saber'S words were piercing through the darkness of his own shielded past (the despair and regrets of others, the grief of those already fallen) and showing him the light of the future (his own hope and possibility, his own potential heights of happiness), the path that he still could go down.

Absent of any words, Shirou nodded.

Strangely, it felt as a deep fog had lifted from his mindset, and that the heavy burden he always carried (through repressed) on his chest was slowly, but very surely, being lifted from him.

And he smiled, gripping the NiseXcalibur tightly, but gently; returning it's love with as much love as he could feel coming from it.

Shirou looked up at Saber, smiling at him brightly.

"Artoria, ...She must've really been a wonderful girl, huh...?"

Saber smiled back brightly, too.

"Yeah. She really was."

...

...

...

...

...

...

Author's Notes:

And she still is, of course.

But they're speaking in the context of Saber saving him (over the course of Saber's own lifetime), which is why they're talking in past tense.

...

"It hurt even someone like Emiya Shirou, for him to hurt himself."

Wow, that sounds so obvious out of context lmao.

Just like "People die if they are killed," or, "I guess the Archer Class really is full of Archers" or "Tohsaka's defenseless ****"

Well, all of those lines make more sense in context, though. (Except the last one, lol.)

So, with all these different versions of Emiya Shirou fighting, I though exploring some of the Moral and Philosophical implications for Emiya Shirou would be interesting, and that it would be an excellent opportunity to explore more of the actual person of Emiya Shirou; how he would think, react, and respond. And that it would be an excellent chance for some character development. (It's a real chance to help Emiya Shirou realize his own hypocrisy and hard-headedness, after all.)

It would really be a waste not to discuss it, in this kind of Multi-Shirou story.

...

Author's Notes 2

Just to be clear, it's not that Emiya Kiritsugu is entirely at fault, the ideal are kind of foolish in being too idealistic, yeah, but Kiritsugu didn't want to involve Shirou in them until the very end, as he was on his death bed.

And in the first place, Shirou was the one who chose to take them up as he grew.

They gave him shelter from the pain his own survivor's guilt and the nihilism of his own lack of meaning and identity. He took up Kiritsugu's ideals like a snakeskin to grown under, giving him protection from evil.

But as he met Saber and after his own grail war ended, with Tohsaka's help, he was able to shed those old serpent skins and find new shelter in his Pendragon's Heart. Basically.

...

Next chapter is the lighter Kotomine and Rider chapter. Look forward to it!