The scent of incense hangs heavily in the air, ensarning her senses and making her mind feel sluggish and slow. Her fingers cling to the white lily in her hands, trembling and threatening to crush the delicate stem.
She doesn't cry.
Throughout most of her life Haruno Sakura has been a crier but on this day the tears refuse to come. Maybe it has something to do with the amount of tears she has cried for the last few days, or maybe it is just another one of those ways in which she is strange. Either way, as she says her final farewell to her mother, Sakura doesn't cry a single tear.
Not on the outside, at least. On the inside she's wailing; one long and continuous howl that never seems to end. But just thinking of that threatens to force that internal reaction to the surface and if that happens she isn't sure she would ever be able to stop the tears. So Sakura focuses instead on the scent of the incense, the chanting of the priest and on not crushing the lily in her hands.
On one side of her stands aunt Kasumi, on the other cousin Kiku. Both dressed like her, in simple, black kimonos. There are a few others gathered as well but since her mother wasn't actually a Haruno, merely the wife of one, the gathering is small and the ceremony simple and hastily pulled together. Sakura tries not to feel bitter about that. Her father may have been the dishonoured son of a second son of Grandmother's fifth son, and her mother may have been a penniless orphan before she married Kizashi, but the fact that this isn't a disaster that concerns the whole clan still stings.
Her mother is gone.
Forever.
It doesn't seem right that everyone else's worlds are able to go on like nothing has happened while hers has irrevocably changed in such a drastic way.
There is now a large, Mebuki-shaped hole in her life.
Aunt Kasumi places a gentle hand on her shoulder and Sakura allows herself to be steered forward, forcing herself to put one foot in front of the other. Slowly she steps up to the remains of her mother, carefully not thinking about how that internal wailing increases in intensity. Softly she places her flower on the casket.
"I'll miss you," she whispers, which is about as much as she can possibly put her current emotions into actual words. Even that feels like it is too much, yet it is not nearly enough either.
"You've left us too soon, Mebuki," aunt Kasumi whispers beside her, her voice perfectly calm and melodious.
"You didn't even get to see Sakura-chan get married," cousin Kiku ads, with a childish sort of naivitie that fits badly with her actually being older than Sakura.
Over the last two months, since Sakura formally chose to become a kunoichi, their relationship has been strained. A wall of disappointment has stood between them, yet aunt Kasumi has never really formally acknowledged the fact. Instead Sakura's lessons and diet has continued as usual, even after her graduation, as if they hope that Sakura will somehow change her mind and do her duty to the clan. And now they are the closest thing to a family she has left.
Sakura can't help but be grateful for that at least. Whatever else is going on between them, she's still got some family left. With no real memory of her father, and now her mother gone, at least Sakura has aunt Kasumi's and cousin Kiku's neverending support.
Later, when the funeral is over and the remains have been cremated with all the necessary ceremony, Sakura returns home with her aunt and cousin. In her hands she holds not a white lily, but the urn containing her mother's ashes. In keeping with Haruno-tradition, the ashes will be kept with the family for a period of time before it will be taken to the graveyard and joined with her father's.
With a short apology to her aunt and cousin Sakura heads to her room, which now seems so strangely large and empty without her mother there. She gently places the urn on the bedside table before sinking to her knees, suddenly all out of energy.
She wants to cry then, but her eyes are stubbornly dry.
"I'm sorry, mom. I didn't … I didn't realise. I thought it was just … like all the other times. I thought you'd get better again."
Her voice is barely a whisper, yet it seems unnaturally loud in the otherwise silent room. Slowly she lays her head down on the bed, burrowing her nose in the blankets and imagines that she can still feel her mother's scent there.
If only she'd realised.
If only she'd spent more time with her mother towards the end, instead of watching Naruto and Sasuke fight or doing endless D-ranked missions.
If only there had been anything she could have done to keep her mother alive.
A knock on the door interupts her, minutes or hours laters - she isn't sure.
"Mother says dinner is ready," cousin Kiku says quietly. She has already changed out of the mourning kimono into her usual pink one, but her eyes are still sad as they meet Sakura's.
"Coming."
Rising is painful, her legs having grown stiff from being in the same position for too long. Sakura winces and takes a couple of minutes to let the blood flow return to normal before her growling stomach forces her to join the rest of the family. She hasn't eaten since breakfast, and while aunt Kasumi's diet doesn't usually allow for lunch - or even dinner sometimes, for that matter - she's currently starving and far past caring about her figure.
She joins them at the table quietly, serving herself generously. Aunt Kasumi looks disapproving but doesn't scold her, for which Sakura is grateful. On top of everything else, she doesn't have the energy to spare for an argument.
The conversation is quiet and she allows her mind to drift.
"Sakura-chan?" aunt Kasumi says after a while. "We've got a meeting with the Matchmaker tomorrow morning, so make sure to prepare yourself for it."
It takes a few moments for her mind to catch up enough to realise that she's being spoken to, and another few moments to process the words and formulate a coherent answer.
"I can't," she says at last. "I'm returning to work tomorrow. I promised Kakashi-sensei that I would be back as soon as the funeral was over."
"I'm sure that can wait? You've just suffered a great loss, you shouldn't push yourself too hard."
Aunt Kasumi's voice is soft and cajoling, the worry evident. Sakura forces herself to offer a reassuring smile, knowing as she does so that her aunt will be able to see through it. After all, aunt Kasumi has taught Sakura everything she knows about fake smiles.
"I want to do it," she explains, making her voice a little stronger. "It'll be good having something else to do, to take my mind off of things."
It's probably true too.
"But surely you can be a little bit late at least?"
Her aunt's voice is honeyed in that particular way it is when something is really important to her. Sakura pauses, chopsticks caught halfway to her mouth, and really looks at her aunt. Their eyes meet and aunt Kasumi gives her a small, persuasive smile.
Sakura's eyes narrow in suspicion.
"Why do you want me to go? I've already said that I'm going to become a kunoichi. I'm not getting married, so why do I need to see the Matchmaker?"
It is only because she's paying attention at last that she notices the quick glances being exchanged between her aunt, cousin and her aunt's husband.
"Like I said, you've suffered a great loss. I only want you to consider your options from here on out."
"And it's not like those shinobi really care about you anyway," cousin Kiku says, giving Sakura a pointed look. "They haven't even come to see how you're doing."
Kiku's words sting, distracting Sakura from her previous train of thought. It's true that none of her team members have come to see how she's doing. A small part of her had hoped that maybe Sasuke-kun, who was after all familiar with the pain of losing your parents, would come to see how she was doing. She had been almost certain that Naruto would come, had steeled herself to the prospect of dealing with his well-intended brashness. In the end, not even Kakashi-sensei had come.
"I'm sure they're just giving me space to mourn," she says quietly. "Anyway, I wrote in my note to Kakashi-sensei that I'd be back as soon as possible and I intend on keeping that promise."
She averts her gaze, looking down on the food. Suddenly, she's no longer hungry.
"I'll make you some tea then, to help you sleep well tonight," aunt Kasumi offers softly.
"Thank you."
The next morning Sakura is slow to wake, her mind sluggish and her body strangely heavy. She turns around in bed, pulling the covers tighter around her and determined to go back to sleep. It can't be morning yet with how tired she's feeling.
Yet something doesn't feel right. There is the distinct, nagging sensation at the back of her mind, as if she has somehow managed to oversleep after all. Which is, of course, impossible. Not once in twelve years has she slept through her alarm. Still, her body is tense and some part of her mind insists that she's late.
Reluctantly she forces an eye open.
To her surprise the room is full of sunlight shining in through the window. A quick look at her alarm clock tells her that she is indeed very much late.
Groaning quietly she rolls out of bed, hurriedly getting dressed and running the brush through her hair a few times. No time to make too much of an effort to look presentable. A stressed little shriek escapes her as she desperately searches for her weapons pouch and kunai holster. They're nowhere to be found.
The sight of the urn on the bedside table makes her pause, and she gently runs her hand over it.
"See you soon, mother."
No time to find those weapons. She's late enough as she is, and it's not as if she'll need them for whatever D-ranked mission team 7 is doing today. She hurries to the door, and promptly runs straight into it when it refuses to open.
Disoriented, she tries again, only to find that the door still will not open for her.
"It's locked?" she asks out loud, her mind struggling to make sense of it. What's going on? "Aunt Kasumi? Kiku? Anyone there?"
Steps outside the door tells her that someone is there and briefly she finds that comforting. She isn't alone! Someone has heard her and will be able to help her get the door unlocked.
"I'm here, Sakura-chan," aunt Kasumi's comforting voice comes through the door.
"The door's locked," Sakura hurriedly explains. "And for some reason my alarm didn't go off this morning. Please help me."
Expectantly Sakura takes a step back, awaiting the sound of her aunt trying to open the door or calling for help or anything. Instead there's silence. A silence that grows heavier by the minute, even as Sakura at first doesn't even understand what it implies.
"This is for your own good," aunt Kasumi finally says, her voice firm. "You'll stay in your room until you return to your senses and agree to give up this childish shinobi-dream of yours."
"What?" She stares uncomprehendingly at the door, wondering what kind of alien is mimicking her aunt's voice on the other side of it.
"Your grief has muddled your mind. I'm giving you a second chance, to think things through before you make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life."
"Are you serious? You can't keep me locked in here! People will wonder where I am!" If her voice rises towards the end in panic she doesn't think that's too strange. She tugs desperately at the door, finding it still firmly locked.
"No one has come looking for you yet. I think you'll find that this is an excellent opportunity for you."
"I wrote Kakashi-sensei a note promising that I'd be back after the funeral! He'll be worried for sure!"
"I'm afraid that note never reached him, Sakura-dear. Instead it went to the Hokage, and officially informed him of your wish to retire as a shinobi and return to your clan to do your duty."
Chock has her stilling entirely, for a few moments completely lost for words. A chill runs over her.
This can't be real, her mind objects. This can't be happening. Aunt Kasumi wouldn't …
And yet, aunt Kasumi has been insisting that she continue her education as a lady as well as that damned diet of hers even after she became a kunoichi. The conversation from last evening flashes across her mind; her aunt trying to convince her to go to the Matchmaker today.
"I'm a kunoichi," she says loudly, trying to force the tremble from her voice. "I'm legally considered an adult. You can't force me!"
"Not anymore, Sakura-chan. Thanks to your withdrawal from the shinobi forces you're an ordinary civilian now. You officially fall under the guardianship of your clan."
There's nothing she can say to that. If her note to Kakashi-sensei has actually been intercepted and changed, if it has indeed gone to the Hokage and been accepted as her resignation, then she does indeed fall under the guardianship of her clan.
This is exactly what her mother was trying to prevent, she realises with startling clarity. Suddenly all of those fights between her aunt and mother make so much more sense.
"Let me know when you're feeling better, Sakura-chan."
Footsteps retreat on the other side of the door and she's alone again, locked in the room and without a clue of what to do.
Her body, still unnaturally heavy, seems to take over of itself and steers her back towards the bed after a few minutes of staring uncomprehendingly at the door.
There's nothing she can do about it in this state, some horribly logical part of her comforts. She's helpless. The best she can do is sleep off the effects of whatever is affecting her body and mind.
Her rest isn't peaceful.
She awakens hours later. The alarm clock tells her that it is mid-afternoon. Her stomach growls unhappily.
Slowly, testing her mind and body, she sits up, then stands and stretches. The unnatural exhaustion is gone and her mind is much clearer. It almost seems like a dream and she quickly steps over to the door to test it.
It's locked.
Not a dream then.
With renewed determination tries to force it open, spending a good ten minutes trying to physically force it open. Her efforts are fruitless.
Instead she turns her attention back to the room, noticing the disarray of things. Not that the room is messy, but some things are definitely out of place. A drawer on her dresser isn't quite closed, the contents of her back pack has been emptied out onto the floor and some of it is missing and the box she uses to store her weapons is gone too.
She's been drugged, and while she was out someone has searched her room and removed any and all tools she might have been able to use to break down the door. A quick, methodical search of her room confirms these fears.
Her gaze falls on the single window, with the sunlight shining through it. That should be a lot less sturdy than the door, right?
Smiling in relief, Sakura hurries to the window, unhooking the latch and pushing. It doesn't budge.
A wordless, frustrated growl escapes her then and only years of lessons in etiquette and manners and how to behave like a lady prevents her from cursing.
Looking closer, pressing her face against the window, she can see that the window frame has been literally nailed shut from the outside while she was sleeping.
Fuck it, she thinks. Fuck everything.
"Fuck!" she curses out loud.
The word is quiet, because even now she can't bring herself to say it too loudly, and she glances guiltily towards the urn on the bedside table.
Mother wouldn't mind, she tries to comfort herself. Not in these circumstances, at least.
A movement in the alley outside catches her attention. Two men, large and armed with twin swords and a large battle axe respectively. She vaguely recognises them as mercenaries the clan often hire to protect convoys going to other villages and countries. Hiring shinobi guards is expensive, after all, so why not use a cheaper option for all but the most dangerous trips? Now however it seems like the two guards aren't there to guard a convoy, but rather the house. In case she somehow manages to escape?
Calculatingly she watches them as they walk to the end of the alley, turn around and head back towards the street. They're large and intimidating but most likely self-taught in weapons use. At most they're academy dropouts. Still, they're both adults and have both years of experience and a lot of weight and height on her.
She would have to break the glass of the window and climb out, which would definitely alert them to her activities. No element of surprise then. They'd be two against one, and she's unarmed besides. Even if she might have some chance of beating them in a fair fight - and she's not even entirely certain of that, truth to be told - she'd be outclassed as she is now.
The sight of two more guards on the street makes her sigh in defeat. At least four guards then, maybe even more out of sight from her window.
She's not getting out this way either then.
Despite her dire circumstances there is another issue that is quickly becoming more and more pressing. Sakura glances at the corner closest to the door, or more specifically at the chamber pot residing there. It hasn't been there before. Which only leads her to believe that her family isn't planning to let her out even to use the bathroom.
Stubbornly she looks away, glaring instead at the locked door. There's a perfectly good bathroom just on the other side! she thinks with longing.
"Hello!" she shouts, forcing herself to really be loud and not just raise her voice a little. "Let me out! I need to use the bathroom!"
There's no answer.
"Are you just going to ignore me now! I know you can hear me!"
Still there is no answer.
"Answer me!" she shouts, fisted hands banging against the door.
She's panting, quick irregular gasps that don't give her nearly enough oxygen, making her mind spin and feel dizzy. Slowly she allows herself to slide down along the door, until she's sitting on the floor with her back against it. Trying to comfort herself she pulls her knees up to her chest, encircling them with her arms and leaning her head against the knees.
Her panting changes, turning into trembling sobs as she starts to cry for real.
She's helpless - useless - and there's no one who will help her. Her mother is dead and team 7 evidently won't come searching for her.
And she really has to use the bathroom.
Really, really has to.
Nature's call trounces her own panic and self-pity and she succumbs to the inevitable.
When she is done she finds a towel to throw over the chamber pot, trying to hide away the scent coming from it. It's only marginally successful.
Somewhat calmer now she turns her attention to her backpack again, carefully searching each and every one of the pockets in it. Like most shinobi she's been taught to always carry ration bars and extra water with her. Like her weapons and ninja tools, it's all gone. All that remains is an opened packet of mints that seem to have been overlooked in one of the smaller pockets.
Stomach growling even louder, she pops one of the mints into her mouth before searching the rest of the room. As expected, her side has been emptied of anything useful.
Searching her mother's things feels like disrespect towards her mother. She doesn't have much of a choice though. Anyway, it's her things now. Or maybe it's the clan's, considering that she's a minor again and under her clan's guardianship. Either way, she finds another packet of mints and a pop-soda.
With trembling hands she opens the soda, forcing herself to drink slowly and not swallow the whole thing in one go. The taste is horrible and probably the reason her mother had put it away rather than drinking it, but it's been almost 24 hours since she last had anything to eat or drink.
When she's drunk maybe half of it she forces herself to put it aside. Who knows how much longer she'll be kept here. It's better to save some for later than to drink it all now.
She pops another mint, hides the soda away just in case, and lays down on her bed to think.
Her mind is still failing to come up with any solutions to her current problems when a small commotion from somewhere else in the apartment catches her attention. Raised voices make their way to her through the walls. At first she can't hear the words, but they become clearer as the source of it comes closer.
"I do not appreciate having guards in my home! Isn't it enough to have them outside?"
Aunt Kasumi does not sound pleased at all, Sakura notes with some pleasure.
"Fool! The girl is a trained shinobi, is she not? Albeit a low ranked one we do need to be cautious."
This voice has Sakura shooting to her feet instinctively. Nervously she flattens her hair and straightens her clothes.
"But these … brutes … are trailing mud all over the floors! And frightening my daughter!"
"Shush, you! Now, unlock this door and let me talk to the girl!"
The sound of the door being unlocked and opened is, simultaneously, a source of joy and terror. As the door swings open, revealing the woman standing on the other side, Sakura bows deeply, just as she's been taught.
"Grandmother."
Even now she speaks the words with respect. It's impossible not to. Haruno Kaori is the mother of the clan: the one who left the Old Country with nothing but the clothes on her body and her two younger siblings, yet managed to build a small merchant's empire for herself, stretching across multiple nations. She has survived multiple wars and moved from country to country before finally settling with the clan in Konoha after the third Shinobi World War had once again displaced them. Among the Haruno she's revered and feared in equal measures, because one does not grow as old and successful as she has without a certain sharpness. Even outsiders speak the name of Haruno Kaori with respect.
One does not simply call a woman like that granny.
"How are you fairing, child?"
Rising from her bow Sakura glances at the woman, who hasn't actually entered the room, but doesn't actually meet her gaze. She keeps her eyes respectfully lowered, even as a small part of her wishes to scream and rage at the injustice of her situation.
"I'm well, considering the circumstances."
Her voice comes out polite, tight and with the barest amount of edge that she fails to suppress.
Grandmother smirks, just enough to let her know that she isn't fooling anyone with her forced politeness. Her voice, in contrast, sounds perfectly sincere despite the look on her face.
"I'm sorry for your loss, child. Though I can't say I liked your mother, the loss of a parent is always difficult."
"Thank you, Grandmother." Sakura dips into another bow, desperately trying to gather her thoughts and come up with any sort of strategy for this conversation.
Behind Grandmother stands aunt Kasumi and two of the guards she saw earlier. Each of them are careful to keep a respectful distance to Grandmother, even as they glower at Sakura.
"As I understand it your mother has been ill for quite some time. Grief and worry for a loved one can drive us mad, sometimes. As I'm sure your aunt has explained, this is your chance to consider your situation and to make a better choice for yourself. So, have you had time to think or do you need more time?"
Her throat suddenly dry, Sakura swallows nervously.
"What are my options?" she asks, hoping that there will somehow be more than the obvious ones.
"You can agree to do your duty to the clan and marry whomever the Matchmaker decides to pair you with. Or, you can stay here until you're delirious with thirst and hunger and then agree to do your duty."
Pretty much the obvious, then. At least Grandmother is being honest about it.
Licking her lips, longingly thinking of the hidden soda can, she squares her shoulders and finally meets the gaze of her paternal grandmother. It takes just about every ounce of determination she can summon, going against everything she has been taught since before she could even talk or walk.
"And if I refuse either of those? If I'd rather die than get married to a stranger someone else has chosen for me?"
Then you die, the look Grandmother gives her says. The same look, though less ferocious, is in aunt Kasumi's eyes.
"You're young, child. Be smart! You've been given every opportunity available to you; some of my grand- and great-grandchildren would kill to have the opportunity you have. Don't throw that away."
Though the voice is reasoning, the eyes remain hard.
"I'm only twelve," Sakura forces herself to say, dismayed to find her voice trembling. "I'm too young for marriage yet."
"But not too young for an engagement, and when you turn fourteen you will be able to marry with the approval of your guardian."
Though the prospect of being locked in again, of possibly even dying in this room, is simply terrifying, what frightens her the most is not that. The most frightening part of this situation is the part of her that wants to give in. It's been almost two months since she first rejected the idea of an arranged marriage, but up until that point she was still expecting to get married for the clan's honour one day. Would it be so bad for her to go back to that?
Truthfully, it isn't so much the idea of an arranged marriage that frightens her. That has been her expected future for as long as she can remember. What really frightens her is the loss of her own independence, even as nonexistent as it seems at the moment.
Most painful of all though is the knowledge that the people who have raised her, who have sometimes been more like parents to her than her own mother due to Mebuki's often ailing health, are ready to go this far to force her to submit to their will. Sakura will do just about anything for her aunt and cousin - would have done just about anything. Given some time, she might even have accepted an arranged marriage.
As it is, Sakura looks at her domineering Grandmother, whom she can't even bring herself to disrespect under these circumstances. She looks at aunt Kasumi, whose eyes are hard and pitiless, and she looks at the guards looming threateningly behind them. Something in her chest tightens uncomfortably but somehow she finds the will to keep standing, her spine straight with abject defiance and her resolve turning into steel.
"No," she says, squaring her shoulders and meeting their eyes with as much boldness as she can summon. "I will not do as you wish. I am a kunoichi of Konoha and nothing else."
Silence hangs between them for a moment, thick and heavy.
"Such a disappointment. Just like your father: heedless of the clan in favour of your own, personal little dreams. Well, stay here then, and reflect on the opportunities given to you thanks to that clan. The least you can do is your duty, don't you think?"
With those words Grandmother steps back and the door is quickly pulled closed. The sound of the lock is loud and Sakura slowly sinks down onto the bed.
"I'm screwed," she whispers to herself.
Two days later - or maybe it's three, it's getting difficult to keep the days apart - she's all but ready to kill that stubborn part of herself that is forcing her to go through this torture.
No food, no water and no one has been to see her since Grandmother's visit.
She's screamed, she's threatened, she's pleaded with them to let her out but all to no avail.
An arranged marriage is looking more and more promising by the minute.
"Sakura?"
It's not as if she hasn't been preparing for marriage her whole life. Almost as much as she's been training to be a shinobi. Except, marriage to a noble will bring honour to her clan, and wealth and comfort to her. Life as a shinobi, on the other hand, will bring pain and suffering and continued fighting, if the Matchmaker's words are to be believed. Or a continued string of endless D-ranked missions, it's probably the same either way.
"Sakura? Can you hear me?"
It's not as if she's a good shinobi anyway. Her inability to get out of her current situation is proof enough of that. And Tanigawa Akihiro, the fucker, beat her in a sword fight. Even now, two years later, the shame still burns hotly in her mind. So Konoha is probably better off without her trying to fight any enemies.
Why is she doing this to herself again?
"Sakura!"
This time the voice is louder, making Sakura suddenly aware that it's not a hallucination. Dizzily she looks around, trying to spot the source of the voice.
"Yeah?" Her voice is raspy thanks to her dry mouth and throat, and she winces as her dry lips split open a little when she speaks.
"It's me. Kiku. How are you doing?"
Kiku? What is she doing here, in her room?
But no, Kiku isn't here.
Except her voice somehow is.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, though the words are barely intelligible.
"I was worried about you. How are you?"
The door, she realises at last. Kiku's voice is coming from the door, which is still closed but apparently currently unguarded.
Somehow, that's important. She struggles to remember why but sits up anyway, her head spinning with lightheadedness.
"I'm … fine, I think. Just … thirsty."
She reaches for a soda can sitting on the bedside table but it's empty. Frowning, she puts it back. Why does she have a feeling of deja vu?
"Yeah, I guess that's to be expected. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't allowed to eat or drink for three days."
Deciding to forget about the empty soda can she stands, pausing for a moment as the world rights itself around her, and makes her way over to the door where the friendly voice is coming from.
Despite her earlier confusion she knows that the door is locked. She doesn't even try it. Instead she sinks down on the floor beside it, leaning her head against the wall.
Moving should not be this exhausting.
"Sakura? Can I ask something?"
"Yeah?"
"I just … I don't understand why you're doing this. Why is this so important to you?"
Closing her eyes Sakura mentally sorts through the question. Simply remembering what "this" is, that she's doing to herself, takes a little bit of effort. It takes even more effort to sort through her reasons and try to put words on them, even to herself.
"Do you … do you hate us? The clan?"
Distantly she notes the tears in her cousin's voice but she's truthfully too exhausted herself to do anything about it. It's not like there's much she could do with a door between them anyway.
"I don't hate anyone," she says at last, because it's the truth and what comes most easily to her. "It's just … I don't want to do this."
"But why? We used to imagine what our future husbands would be like and you were so excited about it. What changed?"
"I don't know."
All this talking is making her throat hurt. However, the pain is also helping her focus.
This is the first time in two or three days - three, Kiku had said three - that she's spoken to her cousin. First it was aunt Kasumi and then Grandmother. And there are guards outside her window, but if Kiku is allowed to stay outside her door for long enough to have this conversation that most likely means that there are no guards outside her door. At least not presently.
"You haven't even gotten a match yet. You don't even know whether you'll like him or not. Why go through all of this now when there's still so much you don't know about what might happen?"
"Because … I want to choose. For myself."
Because she apparently has a stubborn streak far too big for her own good. She's past being able to connect her actions to specific reasons, just a general determination not to give in and let them win. Even if she can no longer really remember why losing would be so bad.
"Well, maybe you'll get to. I mean, maybe the choice won't be as great as you hoped for, but there will still be a choice, you know? Look at me. My fiance is nothing like the prince I dreamed of, but I still choose to marry him because it's my duty and it will bring honour to the clan. Can't you see that?"
All this talking is distracting her, making it difficult to focus on that important thing that hinges upon there being no guards outside of her door.
"I guess I just don't see … how me being unhappy …or you, for that matter ... can be what the clan wants."
"But the clan comes before the individual. Can't you see that you're doing it for everyone else?"
"I know my mom wouldn't want me to do something that made me sad … Even if it meant bad things for her."
No guards outside her door. Kiku outside her door. Alone.
"So you think that the clan should suffer because of you? You think that just because you don't want to do something everyone else should suffer for it?"
"I think that … I'd do anything for my mom. But not for people who'll do this to me. Who'll … use me … as a pawn."
And there is probably some irony in that sentiment, considering her ambitions to become a shinobi, but that is entirely a sidetracked thought that distracts her from what is actually important right now.
"But the needs of the many must always come before the needs of the few, don't you agree?"
"Maybe. I just don't think that … it's worth it. The clan is already … doing well. A few new contracts, or whatever, just isn't worth … a lifetime unhappy for me."
Her throat constricts uncomfortably as she speaks and at the end coughs take over, wracking her already dry, sensitive and aching throat. For a few minutes all she can focus on is the coughing, before it finally calms down, leaving her throat in throbbing agony.
"Kiku?" she says, testing her voice. She doesn't trust herself not to go into another coughing fit.
"Yeah?"
"D'you have the key?"
Kiku is quiet for a long time. Sakura almost doesn't expect a reply, but at last it comes.
"No. I'm sorry."
The truthfulness in the tone is little comfort.
After four days locked in her room, with her mother's urn for company and nothing to eat or drink, Sakura thinks she's finally ready to give up.
It's a bit depressing that four days is all it takes to break her, but the thirst speaks for itself.
She sits up in bed when she hears a commotion. Steps come her way and she tries to sit a little bit straighter, the instinct to present her best self to Grandmother still strong.
"I am not ok with this! You are trespassing in my home and I demand that you leave, right now!"
"I'm sorry madam, but I have to insist. Hokage's orders. Where is the girl's room?"
"How dare you! I'll have you know that the Haruno clan are very influential on the council, and we will be complaining about this to the Hokage!"
There's a tugging on her door and Sakura stares, nonplussed and confused. The person on the other side sounds nothing like Grandmother, but who else would be coming to see her?
"This door is locked. Is this the girls room?"
"I won't tell you anything, you inconsiderate brute!"
Someone knocks on the door.
"Haruno Sakura? Are you in there? Haruno Sakura?"
Her dehydrated throat constricts as she tries to force it to talk, but after a few tries she manages a weak, croaky reply.
"I'm here."
A pause, then the same man speaks again.
"Madam, I'm going to ask that you unlock this door or I will break it down."
Grumbling, aunt Kasumi does as the man says and the door swings open, revealing aunt Kasumi alongside a tall, dark haired man in his mid fifties. He's dressed as a shinobi: in the standard blue shirt and trousers, along with a green flak jacket. As he enters the room, supported by a cane in his right hand, he visibly scans it for dangers, noting the covered chamber pot in one corner before settling on Sakura on the bed.
"Haruno Sakura?" he asks again.
This time Sakura just nods, not trusting her voice to carry.
"I'm Hatake Kichiro, I'm the commander of the Genin Corps. I've received information that your decision to withdraw from your shinobi duty may have been coerced. I'm here to investigate whether that's the case or not."
"Can't you see that the girl is sick?" aunt Kasumi intervenes, her voice uncharacteristically high-pitched. "Why don't you come back another day? I'm sure this can wait …"
"With all due respect, madam; please leave the room. This conversation is between me and my subordinate."
With an affronted look aunt Kasumi does as told. As she disappears out of sight, Sakura notices her leaning in to whisper something to one of the maids, but then her attention is once again drawn to the man before her. He steps forward, hunching down so that their faces are on pretty much the same level.
"So, Haruno, care to tell me what's going on?"
Her heart is beating far too hard in her chest and she blinks several times, still unsure whether this is another level of hallucination or whether her salvation has just literally walked through the door.
"Haruno?"
"Sorry," she rasps, forcing her attention to the conversation. Her voice doesn't carry, throat too dry to make anything but a light hissing sound as air passes through it.
Frowning he digs around in his belt pouch and produces a bottle of water, which he hands over to her.
"Drink something and try again," he suggests. Or maybe it's an order, Sakura honestly isn't sure.
She stares at the bottle, hands trembling as she slowly reaches out for it. It's lukewarm against her fingers but comfortingly solid. In her exhausted state she struggles to uncork it and he takes it back, quickly opening it for her before handing it back. Her hands tremble as she brings it to her lips.
"Slow there, don't drink the whole thing in one go," he cautions as she eagerly devours it.
Her stomach quickly starts cramping and she almost throws the water right back up before she manages to slow down a little.
"Better?" he asks.
"Much." Her voice is still hoarse and a bit raspy, her throat still hurts with every word, but at least her voice carries. And water! She wants to drink the whole bottle but forces herself to keep a firm hold of it for now. He doesn't look like he wants to take it away from her, but she really doesn't want him to.
"Care to tell me what's going on?"
Fingers playing with the bottle she looks away, trying to gather her thoughts.
"I'm not sure how to explain it," she admits.
"How about you start in the beginning. The Hokage received a letter, stating your official wish to withdraw from being a shinobi. Did you write that letter?"
"No." She shakes her head in the negative. "I don't know where that came from."
He nods, not seeming surprised at all.
"Do you have a wish to stop being a shinobi?"
"I-"
"What on earth is going on here! Why is the commander of the Genin Corps storming into the Haruno compound? Much less my granddaughter's home?"
Grandmother sounds outraged but her entrance is entirely dignified, her whole composure screaming with dissatisfaction. As if she's just walked in on something abominable.
"Hiruzen will hear about this at the next council meeting!"
With a grimace the man straightens up again, facing Grandmother and bowing respectfully.
"I'm sorry for the trouble madam, but as I told your granddaughter this is a matter between me and my subordinate."
"That girl is no longer a shinobi and thus not your subordinate, Genin Commander!"
The title is said in the same voice one might say vermin. Sakura lowers her gaze, shoulders hunching instinctively as something within her constricts painfully.
So close, and then Grandmother has to come and …
"Actually, she has just confirmed that her letter of resignation was a forgery, which means that unless she states otherwise she is my subordinate."
Her breath catches in her throat and she stares at the man's back, struggling to truly comprehend what is happening.
Grandmother is losing.
Someone is standing up to Grandmother. For her - Sakura!
"So, as I was saying," the man says, turning back towards Sakura, completely ignoring Grandmother, "Haruno, do you want to stop being a shinobi?"
She remembers thinking that the Matchmaker was the most frightening woman she has ever met. However, the Matchmaker has nothing on Grandmother at this moment. The look she's getting is enough to make it difficult to breathe, an order just as well as if someone had been standing over her with a whip.
"No," Sakura forces herself to say, looking away from Grandmother and looking instead at the man before her. "I want to continue being a shinobi."
"You've been absent for a week. Why?"
Her throat constricts again, this time not from thirst, and she glances at the urn still on her bedside table.
"My mother died. I wrote my sensei a note and asked one of the maids to send it for me, but I suppose he never got it."
"I see. And then?"
She opens her mouth to reply, then closes it again when no words spring forth. She isn't sure how to explain what has happened to her, what words to put on it. She's been drugged and locked in her room without food or water for several days. If it were someone else it had happened to she might call it illegal confinement or something similar, but it's her it has happened to. It's aunt Kasumi and Grandmother who've done all of this, and despite everything they aren't criminals! Not to Sakura's mind, at least.
Movement by the door catches her attention. Aunt Kasumi looks furious but behind her Kiku looks worried, looking between Sakura and the Genin Commander and Grandmother.
"Haruno?" the Genin Commander says, drawing her attention. "I think I can make an educated guess on what happened here, so if you can't tell me right now that's fine. What I do need to know, however, is this: do you want to stay here, or do you want to come with me elsewhere?"
"She's not going anywhere with you, Genin Commander! She's my granddaughter and as such falls under my purview!" Grandmother objects, her posture intimidating.
"Exactly! She's a Haruno first and foremost!" aunt Kasumi ads.
The Genin Commander turns again to argue with the two women but Sakura doesn't pay them any attention as inspiration suddenly strikes her. She knows what she needs to do.
"Grandmother?" she says, her voice coming out trembling. All eyes of the room turn to her and she meets her grandmother's disapproving eyes. "I think I've figured out my third option. I reject the Haruno-name. From this day forth, I will no longer be a Haruno."