Yes, I know. It's been a very long time since I worked on this story. In my defense I've had so many other projects running. and almost all of them tie to this story in some way or another. This story takes place in a massive crossover universe that i created and though i haven't done a lot with Disclosure, I have been busy posting others. If you'd like to see more of this, including some of Alex and Olivia I highly recommend hat you select "Follow Author" since hardly a week goes by that I'm not posting something on this series of stories that span fifteen years of L&O, R&I, SVU, and a handful of others. I Have so many things to do to Disclosure that I can't wait to get to it. Here is the plan, When Convictions is done, I'm returning my attention on Disclosure, Discovery, and Friend in Me because i need all of these finished before i can move on to the next two. I swear, I'm kinda making Alex a bitch in this story but I adore Alex Cabot so please trust me, I'm going to make things right for her and Olivia.

Takes place during and after 2x06 "noncompliance"

Awareness

"Hey." Elliot said to his partner as Alex walked in to SVU. "The Ice Princess is here."

Liv didn't comment as she flipped through the file on their suspect, Mark Nash. Though she kept her eyes on the file. Her ears suddenly tuned in to the soft clack of heels. The words on the page all but forgotten.

Jesus, Liv, get a grip. She chastised herself.

I want one, of Alex.

She sucked her breath in at the errant thought as memories paraded through her mind. Memories of how good Alex felt nestled against her when she'd cried herself to sleep on Liv's couch. That was more than a week ago. A large hand on her shoulder broke her thoughts.

"You okay?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah." She said and slapped the folder closed and stood up. "Just working it through."

"C'mon." He said and walked towards the interrogation rooms. "let's get this one closed up."

Arms crossed, Alex stood next to Captain Cragen as she tried to make some kind of sense of Mark Nash's schizophrenic ramblings. A process that would be infinitely less difficult if she could keep her mind on the suspect instead of the detectives, or rather one detective in particular.

That shirt should be a crime.

The light blue shirt that Olivia was wearing hugged every part of the detective's torso from her lean shoulders and strong arms, to her full breasts, and tight stomach. Alex just wanted to run her hands all over the full sleeved ribbed cotton shirt, as long as Benson was still inside it. Her ill advised daydream was broken by a sharp cry as Nash hugged the block wall. Elliot who'd been standing right behind him looked at Liv before they walked out the door.

Elliot stepped out of the box and shoved his hands in his pocket as he looked to his captain, "Well we won't be getting anything out of him for now."

"Yeah, Not while he's still delusional." Liv said as she as she pressed her hands to her back.

As the shirt was pulled tight across her chest Alex had to look away, She turned towards the window and looked over Nash, "The defense is going to ask for a 730, State Examiner will keep him until he's fit for trial."

"Then maybe we'll get his story instead of Dostoevsky's Crime and punishment".

Cragen sighed and started walking back to the bullpen, "We've got enough for the assault to confine him in a state hospital. The blood on the knife came back as Millers." He paused to see Alex's response.

"I'd like the gun to close it up tight." She said as she leaned against the wall.

"The M.E. found two hairs on the body," Elliot said, "Hair follicles intact so maybe we don't need it."

Alex looked up at him as he stood almost too close. She smacked a warrant against his broad chest and looked up at him, "I never turn down evidence."

She turned to leave and before she could stop herself, brushed gently against Benson as Cragen gave instruction to his Detectives.

"Munch and Fin are talking to Nash's mother in the interview room. Lets serve her the notice while she's here and go toss the house."

Cragen led the way out of the interrogation room followed by Elliot. Liv sighed and rubbed her hand against her forehead. She'd been trying all day not to think about Alex being on the other side of that wall, watching her. It was a ridiculous idea. Despite waking up together on her couch last Friday, Alex had made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested. Her mind spun around those long legs, that gorgeous butt, and the white panties that Liv just wanted to pull off with her teeth.

You better get over this, Liv. She mentally chastised. Or you're going to end up back in traffic.

"Hey."

Elliot's voice made her jump. Dropping her hand she turned to him.

"You okay?" He asked as he walked in.

"Yeah." She replied, "Just a headache."

"I get those all the time. C'mon, I got some aspirin in my desk." He stepped out of the door so she could pass, "I'll grab it while you get your stuff."

Sitting at the bar in Chauncey's, Liv knocked back another shot of vodka. She should go home, she knew it, but it was the last place she wanted to be, mostly because it was lonely. She thought about heading out to Queens and spending the night at Elliot and Kathy's but she'd had too many drinks. Besides, despite a spa day together, Kathy was still insecure when it came to Olivia and her husband, just less so.

Honestly, Liv thought about coming out to her partners gorgeous wife, if only to calm her fears, but finding out that your husband's partner was a bisexual might throw more fuel on the fire. Kathy might start thinking that Liv wanted to insert herself into the Stabler's marriage instead of breaking it up. So she'd stayed her tongue to keep her partner's marriage as it was.

Though the Stabler's weren't a perfect couple, Liv always saw them as what a real relationship should be. Sure they fought, what couple didn't. Elliot had anger issues and Kathy didn't back down either. But one look and you knew that when the fight was over, love still remained.

A love that Liv had never known.

Grief

Chauncey's Bar

a few days later...

Liv knocked her short glass on the bar and the bartender refilled the glass half way.

"Oh my god." He said breathily as he set the Stoli back on the shelf. Liv looked up to see him staring at the front door. Turning her head to see what had his jaw hanging open, Liv's eyes widened. Alex was dressed in a very expensive baby blue Oscar De La Renta dress that showed off every perfect part of the gorgeous ADA was not what she needed right now and she turned back to her glass fortifying herself for what she knew was coming.

"Detective." Alex said smoothly.

"Not really in the mood for political fencing, counselor." Liv said gruffly and sipped at her vodka.

Alex set her purse on the bar and sat down next to her, "It's not your fault, Olivia. Mark Nash was very sick."

Liv snorted into her short glass, "He was a schizophrenic, not a cancer patient. If we hadn't forced him to take those meds, he'd still be alive right now." She jabbed her finger against the bar.

"And if we hadn't, Earl Gilmore would be on the street, right now, free to rape and murder someone else."

Liv banged her glass down on the bar and turned on the pretty blond, "So it's justified?! The life of a mentally disabled man for the conviction of a rapist? You really are a politician, Alex."

Sighing she looked to the bartender, "Cosmopolitan with a little more lime juice."

He nodded and went about making her cocktail.

Alex turned her attention back to Olivia, "For your information, Detective,what happened to Mark Nash was regrettable and I certainly didn't think that he would be a danger to himself once he was medicated. If I would have known that he could become suicidal, I wouldn't have allowed it anymore than his mother would have. And if I'd have found that out afterward, I would have ordered a suicide watch because his life mattered every bit as much as Maggie Miller's did. Sometimes, these things happen, innocent people die. That's why we have jobs, to prevent awful things from happening and to get justice when they do."

"Nice sound bite." Liv grumbled into her glass right before downing it in one gulp.

Her temper flaring Alex stood up and pulled a twenty out of her purse and slapped it on the counter, "You want a sound bite, Olivia?" She took the Cosmo and downed it, "Here's one. Go to hell."

Olivia blinked and turned to confront the gorgeous D.A. but Alex was just getting started.

"You think you're the only one struggling with this? I was the one who convinced him to take the damn medicine. I'm the one who put him in that hospital. I'm the one who feels like I tied the goddamn belt around his neck and still sought you out because I heard that you felt responsible for his death. I know what they call me around the D.A.'s Office. I've been called it over and over again, the Cold Hearted Bitch, the Ice Princess, Frostbite, I've heard them all my life, said by far better people than you and every time I reach out to another person, they remind me exactly why I don't let them inside. You feel guilty for Nash's death? Well so do I. Forgive me for being concerned about how you feel and trying to reach out. You called me a friend and I thought that's what friends do, reach out when they're hurting. I won't make that mistake again, Detective. So enjoy drowning yourself in cheap vodka."

Alex pulled out a hundred dollar bill and flipped it at the bartender, "It's on me tonight."

She snatched up her purse and headed for the door.

Unbelieving of what she'd just seen, Liv stared in stunned silence as the A.D.A burst angrily through the door and out onto the street. From everything she heard, Cabot wasn't quick tempered, there was a reason she had all those nicknames. But then she realized that for the Ice Princess to pop off like that meant that she was really hurting. Liv grabbed her jacket and rushed out the door after Alex.

She was out just in time to see her in the back seat of a cab, a cab that pulled away heading towards the upper west side. She closed her eyes and bent over, her hands on her thighs.

"Great job, Liv." She huffed, "Way to be a team player."

She straightened, the fuzzy sensation of her drinking fading in the chilly air and remembering the very nice Condo building where Alex lived. She remembered the address from when she took Alex there a few days ago.

"Don't." She said out loud, "Don't do it, Liv."

But she was already in the street, flagging down a cab. She jumped in and gave the cabbie the address.

Guilt and Desire

Alex closed her eyes in the safety of her condo. Angry at Benson's casual dismissal and hurtful barbs, but she was more infuriated over her own loss of control. She'd shouted at her detective, in a bar, a public place. She could see the headlines in her mind as clear as day.

New York Governor hopeful Alexandra Cabot drunkenly shouting at New York's Finest in a bar.

The truth of it wouldn't matter, the context would be lost in a spin to sell news. It was the kind of publicity that could cost her an election.

"Stupid," She shouted to herself, "Stupid, stupid!"

She's just a cop! A cop who friggin cares! The worst sort of enemy she could make. Benson could easily make things difficult on her at SVU and force her to make decisions that could affect her time in the D.A.'s office. She needed Cragen as much as he needed her to lower the sex crimes rate of Manhattan. The best way to do that was to streamline convictions and make a difference. SVU was her choice, fresh off the Moore's Commission, it was the perfect unit for her to turn into a criminal's nightmare. That alone would get her into Nora Lewin's office and as the District Attorney of New York City, She'd continue her streamlining. A few years after that, she could run for Governor.

Ten years is all she needed.

And here she was, running down one of her detectives in a bar. The kind of place that she never would have been in if she hadn't felt for a detective that she was very attracted too. Alex fell into the immaculate couch in the oversized sitting room. She just wanted to take it all back and be herself but she'd been groomed from age five to hold public office. Her mother's greatest dream was for Alex to become the first female president. Alex's ambitions were far simpler. She just wanted to make her parents proud, live up to the Cabot name, and be herself. The one thing she wanted more than anything else was to be straight so she could realize her parents dreams.

She felt her tears coming on as she remembered how intensely she turned, how easy it was to let Consuela take her virginity. Alex's desires were centered around soft curves, full lips, and full breasts, not broad shoulders, muscular chests and a full, thick penis. Twice she'd pursued relationships with men. Both times she could adapt to every aspect of it, except sex. They breached her, there was no other word for her to describe it. She felt them inside her and it was wrong, it felt alien to her, and even though she gave her consent and even initiated it, She felt as if she was being violated by this protrusion into her. She learned that she was gay, not bisexual, completely gay and that she would rather be alone the whole of her life then to ever feel one of those inside her, ever again. Her biggest secret was the one that would not only end her political career but also shame her family into seclusion. It was a secret she could never reveal. New York City wouldn't vote for a lesbian D.A. and New York State wouldn't tolerate a gay Governor. The progressive movement, for all of it's noise, wasn't getting as far as they made out like they were.

None of that mattered right now as Alex curled up on the couch, arms laid over the armrest and her head down on them. She lowered her shields and cried, wishing for all she was worth that she wasn't so different.

A knock on her condo door caused her to jerk. Who could that be and why hadn't the doormen announced a guest. It couldn't be her neighbors complaining about noise, her condo was sound proof. It was why the few times she did indulge in her fantasies, it was done here. She swiped at her cheeks and looked through the peephole.

Benson stood outside, pacing, she staggered in her boot but caught herself on the wall. Groaning she knocked again.

Before she knew it, Alex jerked the door open, "What!?"

Liv paused at the sight of Alex standing in her bare feet and her provocatively tight dress. Her breath caught in her throat for a second.

"What do you want Detective?"

"You." Liv said in a whisper.

Alex's mouth fell open. Astounded at the detective's very simple answer.

"…to let me in." Liv recovered, "I'd like to come in and apologies."

For a moment, Alex couldn't think. She could have sworn that Olivia was covering, that the rest of her answer was a cover. Still, her body was responding as if that's what Olivia wanted. God knew that Alex had more than a few candle lit nights in her bed thinking of the sexy detective and now her breathing was thicker, as if she wasn't getting enough air. Despite Olivia's added words, Alex could feel the detective's eyes on her, but she could see the look in Olivia's eyes. Part was to apologies, but there was a distinctive, smoky quality to her looks that said she wanted to apologies in a way that wasn't verbal, it was carnal.

Alex took a step back from the door out of surprise. Liv walked in thinking it was an invitation, before Alex could tell her no.

"I'm sorry." She said as she sopped in the tiled foyer, "This case was a hard one on me and I didn't mean to lash out at you."

Alex blinked at her but shut the door so they wouldn't be overheard.

"I didn't know that you felt that way." She said and turned to look at Alex.

"Despite what others say, I'm human, Olivia." She replied, "I have the same feelings you do so don't take my stoicism for callousness."

Liv nodded, "That's exactly what I did."

"I know." Alex huffed, "I was there. Yes, Mark Nash should still be alive, and yes Earl Gilmore should be locked away. But I more than most understand that not everything that should be, is."

That Caught Olivia's fogged mind as her fantasies slid away to reveal the pain in Alex's voice. It reached her deep inside her chest and again Olivia was reminded of how alone Alex seemed. That the gorgeous attorney was alone in this huge condo. Anytime someone in the SVU heard about Alex going out it was politics, not pleasure. Olivia herself had driven Alex to a very nice country club where she'd met with a city councilman that Alex reported was too busy trying to look down her dress than to consider her proposals. Draper was slowly putting the member back into city council member. Something that Alex said will be very useful soon. But she'd still made it a point to keep her legs crossed the entire time.

If Draper saw her in this, I'd get to throw him in jail when he reached out to grab her ass. Why did Liv know that, because she wanted to reach out and cup it as she pressed her lips to Alex's. She wanted to feel the younger woman's skin against her own. To know what she looked like in ecstasy and to see her in the morning with a bright smile and her hair destroyed from a night of passionate love making. To have those long lean legs wrapped around her.

The fantasy popped like a balloon at Alex's voice.

"Oh my god," Alex gasped, "You're still checking me out!"

Liv closed her eyes, her mind definitely slow on the draw tonight from her Stoli run at Chauncey's "I'm sorry, it's that dress. It looks amazing on you."

Alex blinked at the compliment as her skin started to heat and the very dress Liv had so carefully eyed her in felt like it was becoming too tight.

"Look, I know that I gave you the impression that I was attracted to you at Louie's and to be frank, I am, but that wasn't my intention. I was just trying to reach out to get to know you better. I didn't mean to piss you off at the bar and yes, I misread your ability to hide your emotions for apathy because behind that stoic mask of yours, I keep catching glimpses of what you're hiding and I want to see more. The detective in me wants to find out what your hiding and the woman in me wants to be shown the part of you that no one sees. For me, it's hard for me to find someone who gets both parts of me going like that."

"I'm your Prosecutor!" Alex shouted. "Do you even know what collusion is?"

"Yeah." Liv said finally meeting Alex's gaze, she wanted to hide the heat in her eyes but that was impossible, "I know what it means."

"That alone should deter you." Alex exclaimed but under Olivia's gaze, she knew it wouldn't, not for the detective, not for the attorney. Still, Alex tried to protect herself. "If that wasn't enough, how about the fact that I have told you that I'm not gay."

Liv's heated expression tipped into a slight grin, like she knew something, "Because when you look at me, your eyes give you away."

Alex felt her whole body drop into panic had just called her out, and she did so with an arrogant confidence that said the Detective had no doubt at all. Like she had video evidence and just wanted the confession.

"Why, you conceited… egotistical… arrogant…" Alex started. "Get out!"

Liv arched a brow, Alex's reaction wasn't what she expected but apparently being gay was a live wire for Alex. "Look, i'm sorry, really. I came over here to apologies, not to stand here and fight with you and I wasn't trying to make a move either."

Groaning Alex turned away from her and tried to think, but as she looked at the clock on the wall, she started to panic again. It was getting late and she was expecting the kind of company that she couldn't speak about. Fortifying herself, Alex turned back to the detective who had been looking at her backside.

"I need you to leave." Alex said as her cheeks flushed, "As in right now."

Liv blinked as she realized she'd been admiring Alex's shape again. She had to get this under control and unfortunately, there was too much Stoli running through her.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Liv sighed and ran a hand through her short hair, "I'm sorry. I was just trying to…"

"Apologize, I know." She said and took Olivia's arm, "It's been a long day, Detective. Let's just call it a night and try this again tomorrow."

Her arm was nearly burning as Alex guided her to the door, not from her grip, which was exceptionally gentle. It was just the touch and it was enough to convince Liv to agree.

"Okay." She sighed, "Again I'm sorry."

"Should I call you a cab?" Alex asked as she opened the door.

"No I can manage, I'm not that drunk." Liv said.

"Okay, you have my cellular number, Just let me know you made it home alright." Alex said, Okay?"

Liv turned and smiled at her lopsidedly, "Why Counselor, if I didn't know better I'd say you're concerned."

Alex cooled her face. "Your one of my best detectives, Olivia. I don't want to see what Stabler's cases would look like without you there to clean them up."

Liv smiled softly at her, "Abbie Carmichael is the reason why he's supposed to type them. She said he should have been a doctor because no one can read his handwriting."

Alex smiled and shook her head, "Good night detective." She said and moved to closed her door.

"Good night, Alex." Liv said and headed down the hall to the elevator.

Once the door was closed, she fell back on it and put a hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath. Her body felt like it was on fire, something that only Olivia seemed to be able to do to her lately. She had to get this under control or she was going to give in and if she wasn't expecting her occasional lover she just might have caved to Liv right there.

Thank god for small miracles. Alex went to her kitchen flustered and realized that again, she'd forgotten to give Liv the travel cup that the detective had left here barely a week before.

The other one...

Liv stood at the curb in front of Alex's condo complex with a hand in the air as a cab pulled up next to her. Before she could get to the door, it opened and Bureau Chief Donnelly climbed out of the cab. She was still in her court suit and carried her briefcase. She paused as she saw Benson walk towards her.

"Detective Benson." She said in her deep contralto voice.

"Miss Donnelly." Liv said in surprise.

"What brings you out this way?" She said as she paid the Cabbie in cash.

"We closed a hard case today so I was checking on my ADA." She said as Donnelly stepped away from the cab so Liv could get in. "I didn't know you lived out here."

"I don't." She said firmly, "I'm going over a few things with Miss Cabot."

Liv's warm smile faded, "I see. Well good night."

Donnelly watched the cab pull away and sucked in a breath, hoping that Benson never found out why she was really here. She should go home, she knew she should but with her husband working late tonight, her home was so quiet, so empty, she just wanted to have someone to talk to, someone who made her feel like a person, a woman. She knew what would happen, and she knew what awaited her upstairs. A woman, half her age, would make her feel alive, at least for a few hours.