A/N: I have to admit that ever since Amanda left, I've struggled to write Rollisi. I still love and ship them, but I need them *on* screen to be inspired, and when we didn't even get any Rollisi in the season finale, it's been hard to come up with anything for Chosen Family. But, I've had this idea for a while now, so here it is; Rolivia, Rollisi, EO and Stablins, and… Starisi?
(I know the lack of smut in this is depressing, but I was going for angst, fluff and humor instead, don't hate me)
Also: Reminder that there's no specific timeline in this fic and rarely a connection between chapters, so even though EO hooked up in ch 26, we're now back to them being emotionally challenged/avoidant :) This one is set basically right after the season 24 finale.
…
We Never Painted By The Numbers
She promised herself (and Amanda) that she wouldn't overthink this. Promised herself that she wouldn't fret or stress or worry too much, preferably not at all.
But, here she is: Alone, fifteen minutes early. And right now, those fifteen minutes feel like all the time in the world to do exactly what she said she wouldn't do;
Fret about what she's wearing and how she looks, making her tug at her sweater that feels too warm against her skin, and worry about her hair being too wavy or not wavy enough. As if he hasn't seen her regularly for nearly three years now. As if he hasn't already noticed that she's older, and not the woman he left.
Not that she usually cares. But, tonight, tonight she cares.
And she's stressed about how awkward this might be. Awkward conversations, awkward looks, awkward body language, awkward everything. After all, they already said their goodbyes and it was good, sweet, and if she allows her mind to go there, a little romantic. She would've been fine leaving things there, as much as it hurts, not knowing when she'll see him again.
She would've been fine. Liv, love, laugh, and all that.
So damn you, Amanda. Damn you for first suggesting and then insisting on this "goodbye for now double date that doesn't have to be a double date".
"Do it as a favor to me." She had said. "I'm so bored. And I've missed you."
So, now she's here. Fretting and stressing and, of course, worrying that he might expect something she's not ready for. That her calling, inviting him to dinner, might have made him think that she's suddenly ready to pull this ridiculously hot sweater over her head and jump into bed with him. And then, buried deep down, under a few layers of denial and probably some shame, she worries that maybe he doesn't want her like that anymore.
Maybe it's too late?
Ok, so she didn't keep her promise. And she can fight it all she wants, but despite all the breathing exercises and the inner mantras, she's really fucking nervous. Her anxiety only easing a little when Amanda eventually enters the restaurant.
"Where's Carisi?" Olivia asks, leaning in for a hug, her lips instinctively curling into a smile when she feels that large bump between them.
"Parking the car." The blonde says when they part, letting out a quiet groan when she sits down on the chair next to Olivia's. "Why?" She asks. "You miss him already?"
"Funny." Olivia mumbles dryly, not adding the part about how she needs Carisi to make casual, non threatening conversation, her eyes now glancing nervously around this half filled Italian place that looks and smells a lot like a date.
"Liv-" Amanda starts, smiling, clearly aware. "It's just dinner."
Rolling her eyes, Olivia takes a sip of water before she responds. "It used to be just dinner with you and Carisi too-" She says, gesturing towards Amanda's belly. "And look at you now."
A chuckle tumbles out of the other woman then. "You worried about getting married, or knocked up?"
"Ha-ha."
"Look-" Amanda says, her face softening as she lowers her voice. "I know that things are still complicated, ok? I get it. You're scared, and now he's going away again, and it reminds you of how it felt to lose him. I know." Here, she grabs the captain's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "But, Liv…"
"What?"
"Would it be the worst thing to just-" She inhales slowly, as if she knows that she's probably pushing some buttons, but eventually she continues, "enjoy tonight? Whether that's just dinner or who knows what. Just be in the moment."
Eyebrows raised in question, Olivia leans back, smirking. "Six months as a professor and suddenly you're going all Yoda on me?"
"Ha-" Amanda snickers before faking a serious expression. "Get laid, you should."
"I swear to god-" Olivia says, biting back a smile, "if you weren't pregnant-"
But that's as far as her threat goes, because just then the door opens, and in walks Carisi. And Elliot. And in the time it takes for them to move from the door to their table, she has already managed to work up a sweat wondering if she should stay seated, get up to hug him, or, even better, make a run for it and leave the country.
Ultimately, an unborn child makes the decision for her, because when the blonde doesn't get up, she realizes that she's basically stuck here in this cramped space between the wall and Amanda.
Relax, she tells herself. It's just dinner. Breathe, and maybe say something because right now you're just-
"Such a good looking couple." Amanda grins when Elliot and her husband find their seats opposite her and Olivia, effectively pausing the brunette's overthinking.
Chuckling and shaking his head, Elliot responds, "I don't think he's my type."
"Hey-" Carisi scoffs, feigning offense with his arms thrown out.
"Sorry-" Elliot says, "I don't date lawyers."
Smirking, Amanda turns to the woman next to her. "Now where have I heard that before?"
Forcing a smile, Olivia leans in. "I can and will hurt you, after you give birth."
Her words might be muttered, but she can see that Elliot is paying attention, and that he's entertained, and maybe a little intrigued. So she breathes a sigh of relief when they're interrupted by a waiter handing out their menus, and Elliot shifts his attention to Amanda instead.
"When's the due date?" He asks, nodding towards the baby in question.
"July 2nd." Carisi smiles before Amanda can answer, his face somehow radiating a mix of pride, excitement, and a hint of anxiety.
"Yeah, but don't forget that it's tradition for my babies to arrive long before I'm ready-" Amanda says, patting her belly. "So my bet is anytime now."
"You should probably place some money on that." Elliot responds. And in an instant, Olivia lifts her head, forgetting about the list of appetizers she was just considering, quick to lock eyes with Carisi, the two of them sharing a quiet "oh fuck" moment.
"Oh-" Amanda laughs. "I really shouldn't."
Clearing her throat and shifting uncomfortably in her chair, Olivia looks at Elliot, back to Carisi, and then to Amanda, surprised to find that she seems to be the one least affected by what just happened.
Confused, and clearly aware of how the mood just switched, Elliot glances around the table too, his eyes landing on Olivia. "What did I say?"
"It's ok-" The blonde smiles. "I'm in GA. Gamblers Anonymous."
"Amanda-" Elliot says, placing a hand on his chest. "I'm sorry, I didn't know-"
"I know-" She shrugs. "It was my fault anyway. Poor choice of words."
"Can I ask how long you've been-"
"El-" Olivia interrupts, feeling this strange and sudden sense of protectiveness, regardless of Amanda's unbothered demeanor. Because what if Amanda is just trying to be nice? They didn't come here tonight to discuss her painful past, or make her feel bad for battling a grueling addiction at some point, long ago.
But apparently she worries for no reason, because under the table, she feels Amanda's hand on her leg, giving it a careful pat. A wordless "relax, it's fine, I'm ok".
"Clean?" Amanda says, getting a nod from Elliot in return. "Since I found out I was pregnant with Jess. So, eight years."
"That's amazing." He responds, in this caring and genuine way that hits Olivia right in the chest. And for the first time since agreeing to this double date that isn't supposed to be a double date, her smile reaches her eyes.
"It really is, Amanda-" She says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm proud of you."
They share a look then, a silent conversation about struggles and hardships that predates both Carisi and Elliot's return, a conversation that belongs solely to them, only looking away from each other when the waiter returns.
…
"What are you going away for anyway?" Carisi asks, directing his question to Elliot as their table fills with plates of various Italian dishes, all pre-approved by the ADA, naturally.
"Can't really discuss it-" Elliot says, shaking his head apologetically. "Sorry."
"That serious, huh?" Amanda adds.
"Kinda." He shrugs, sipping his wine. "But mostly bureaucracy and politics."
"Gotcha."
Olivia's follow up question comes quickly after. Maybe because it's been lying in wait on the tip of her tongue ever since he announced that he would be going on this new, unnamed mission.
Initially, she didn't want to ask. Mostly because there's not much he can say or do to reassure her, but also because she's still undecided on how much she wants him to know that she cares.
Like, really cares.
But, it doesn't matter, because she's had two glasses of wine and it's out there now.
"Dangerous?" She mumbles while lifting a piece of ravioli to her mouth, attempting to make it sound more casual than concerned.
He looks at her, their eyes meeting in a way that makes her forget to chew, physically forcing herself to swallow when he gives her this half smile, a tilt of the head, something that tells her that no matter how casual she tries to keep things, they will never be casual, not really.
"Nothing I haven't done before." He says, and suddenly it feels like they are the only ones here, the married couple sitting next to them, briefly forgotten.
"That doesn't help." She says, nearly whispers, hoping that another swig of her wine might clear her throat.
"I'll be careful." Elliot responds, and it's just… Ugh, it's so soft. So soft in fact, that she doesn't really think when she reaches across the table to grab his hand.
"Thank you."
It might be undefined and a little fuzzy, but she does know that what she's feeling goes beyond caring a normal amount. More like, kinda want to kiss him, kinda want to take off her sweater amount.
…
"How's Noah?" She hears, pulling her from the moment, making her let go of his hand and turn her attention to the rest of the table and face Carisi.
"He's great." Olivia smiles, feeling Elliot's eyes on her still. "He's got another solo coming up, so when he's not at school he's at the studio, and when he's not at the studio he's spending time with his brother."
"You miss him." Elliot says.
So soft.
"I do-" She nods. "But I guess this is what's supposed to happen when they get older? I just sometimes wish I could go back to those early days, when I was the most important person in his life."
I should tell him about that, she thinks then, realizing just how many stories are still left untold, and how she's finally ready to share most, if not all of them, with him.
"Liv, you still are. Believe me." Amanda says, reaching to grab a piece of her husband's dinner, ignoring his halfhearted protest. "Besides, at least he's not biting everything and everyone."
"Billie-" Carisi clarifies, noticing Elliot's confused expression. "She's… feisty."
"Kathleen was the same." Elliot says, nodding knowingly. "She'll grow out of it eventually."
"Well-" Carisi smiles, looking at his wife. "Not everyone grows out of it."
With food still in her mouth, Amanda glares at him. "I'll divorce your ass so fast."
Elliot chuckles then, leaning back, wine in hand. "I wanna hear more about this."
"Me too, actually." Olivia says jokingly, eyes moving between a grinning Carisi and a red faced blonde.
"Yeah?" Amanda scoffs, shifting her glare to the woman next to her. "You wanna share with the group how you like it when-"
Making this strange noise between singing and something that resembles yodeling, Olivia moves a hand to cover Amanda's mouth.
"Go on-" Elliot laughs, "how you like it when…?"
"When people mind their own business." Olivia responds as she removes her hand, trying to sound stern, but failing to hold back a smile, directed at Amanda first before she turns to the man on the other side of the table.
"Exactly." Amanda mumbles, smirking and shaking her head at Carisi. "No biting for you tonight."
And then, as they finish their dinner and move on to dessert and less risky subjects, Olivia finds that this feels strangely normal. And nice. And maybe it could be nice like this more often, and maybe this could actually be a double date, some day.
When he comes back.
If he comes back.
As if on cue, as if he's somehow reading her mind, Elliot looks to Amanda.
"How's the teaching going?"
Poor Elliot, she thinks then, her conversation with Amanda fresh in memory, more or less convinced that the blonde still hasn't had that conversation with her husband.
"It's, uhm-" Amanda starts, clearing her throat, "it's going good."
"From what I saw, you're a natural." Elliot responds, giving her a nod of approval.
Shifting in her seat, Amanda forces a smile, throwing a quick and nervous glance at her husband before her eyes land on her coffee. "Thank you."
"Amanda-" Carisi says, reaching across the table to grab his wife's hand, "it's ok."
Realizing what's going on, Olivia breathes a little easier, keeping her focus on the scene that's playing out in front of her, noticing that Elliot is doing it too.
"Hm?" Amanda asks, eventually meeting her husband's eyes.
"I know." He says.
"What do you know?"
Carisi smiles then, his eyes warm and understanding as he rubs her knuckles. "I know you miss SVU."
Sitting up in her chair, Amanda looks around the table. "Are we doing this here? Now?"
Ignoring her question, the ADA looks to Olivia. "From what I hear, SVU is one detective down?"
"That's right." Olivia nods, mirroring his smile, tilting her head towards the blonde.
"And-" Carisi continues, "it just so happens that there's a detective sitting right here, looking for a new job."
"Carisi-" Amanda whispers, tears quickly welling up in her eyes, avoiding Olivia's stare for the time being.
"Look-" He says. "You're not happy. And I promised when I proposed to you, that I'd spend the rest of my life making you happy. You staying at Fordham because you think that's what I want, is not me keeping that promise."
"Damnit-" Finally, her tears spill, making her reach for a napkin to pat against her cheeks, all while looking at Carisi in a mix of utter disbelief, confusion, and happiness.
"It's ok." He repeats, smiling softly.
She finally turns to Olivia then, still crying.
"What do you say?" She half cries, half laughs. "Can I interest you in some southern charm, desk duty and an upcoming maternity leave?"
Cupping Amanda's face, Olivia grins through her tears. "Your desk was ready yesterday."
"Welcome back." Elliot says, clinking his coffee cup against Amanda's.
"Welcome home." Olivia whispers, wiping Amanda's tears away before doing the same with her own.
…
When they eventually exit the restaurant, there's a moment when she wonders why on earth she spent so much time agonizing over this night, why she has barely slept since Amanda talked her into it. It seems so simple now, and easy.
The moment is short lived, however. Because soon after, she's watching Carisi and Amanda drive away, now left alone with the main reason why she's been losing sleep for a lot more than a couple of days.
"Need a lift?" Elliot asks, nodding in the direction of where his car is parked, pulling her from her thoughts.
"Weren't you drinking?" She responds, not sure if she's just looking for a reason not to get in a car with him.
"Non-alcoholic." He shrugs before his lips curl to a smile. "Figured it was best to stay sober in case your new detective suddenly went into labor. Carisi seems like the fainting type."
She laughs at his joke, making a mental note to tell him about Carisi making it through the birth of both Jesse and Billie, but still, his reasoning makes her heart swell.
Well, she thinks, it's starting to rain, so letting him drive me home would be the logical thing to do, right? Plus, I'll save like, fourteen bucks. It's fiscally responsible.
It might be fiscally responsible, but after driving for five minutes, she's not so sure about this being responsible in any other way. Because it feels a little too much like many, many years ago. When he would drive her home after work, after a particularly hard case. When she would blink her lights, and he was the reason why she felt safe, and loved.
The thing is, these memories from a different time, doesn't freak her out in the way she thought they would. It doesn't make her fret or stress or worry. It makes her want him. Because she's allowed now. As difficult as that was to recognize and acknowledge, at first. She's allowed. She wasn't back then, but she is now.
So when they're finally parked outside her building, she finds that she has two options; She can thank him for a pleasant evening, keep things formal, and leave. Or, she can say something else.
She says something else.
"Please-" She starts, eyes trained on her hands. "Can you just promise-"
"I'll find a way to call you." He interrupts. "I'm not leaving you."
"But you are." She whispers, inhaling and exhaling slowly when he grabs her hand.
"No, Liv-" He says, making her look at him. "Not this time."
"How do I know that?" She asks, catching the tremble in her voice, wondering if he knows where this is going.
He does.
"You need me to prove it?"
To this, she doesn't respond. Maybe because she doesn't know how to, but mostly because she kinda, sort of, knows what's about to happen. So she can't speak. She can only sit there, and watch as he moves closer, and remind herself to breathe, and, like Yoda-Amanda said, just be in the moment.
And what a fucking moment it is, when his lips meet hers. When so many unanswered questions find their answers all at once, and she, overtaken by relief, sinks into him, taking in the taste and the touch and the sensation that she has denied herself for more years than she'll ever care to admit.
"I'll be home before you know it." He mumbles, resting his forehead against hers.
Nodding slowly, she looks at his mouth before glancing up at him. "I'd invite you in, but-"
"But not tonight." He smiles, and she smiles too, relieved that she doesn't have to explain, and still feeling a sense of guilt.
"I'm sorry."
"Hey, look at me-" He cups her face, demanding her attention, "Don't apologize for that. Ever. This night is not about that. Ok?"
Lacking a verbal response, she nods before kissing him again, deeper and hungrier this time, happy to open her mouth to him, moaning softly when she feels his tongue.
It's a little juvenile, she thinks, this being their first kiss, sitting in a car with rain practically pounding the windshield.
Maybe it is, but holy shit, it's also fucking mindblowing. Especially when he moves a hand to her thigh, and she tilts her head, and he groans softly against her lips.
"Ok-" She breathes, feeling a rush of blood to her cheeks. "If you keep kissing me like that, maybe our first time won't be in a nursing home."
He chuckles, running a hand through her hair. "So we're good?"
Pressing her mouth to his one final time, she nods. Finding that finally, after all this time, the answer is both simple and honest.
"We are."