You And Me
"What a darn good person. Do you know how to code a website? Come help me debug."
"I don't know how, Sendoh. I'm sorry."
"Sit there and work quietly. Don't mess with my man."
Fujima stepped out to defend his intern. As for me, I continued working, but as I got back to concentrating on my work, someone ruined it.
"I have my mouth. Why can't I talk? You want me to stay quiet all day like Rukawa? That's too uncomfortable."
"I want to stay quiet all day, and how is that any of your business?" I uttered coldly while turning to look at the person who just spoke before me. The more I could see his annoying smirk, the more frustrated I became, so I turned away before I got too frustrated to work. I only sat there, and he could still get on my nerves with his mouth. How could I not be infuriated by him?
I stopped paying attention to Sendoh and continued working. Time went by until it was about 7:30 p.m. when I felt a light poke on my shoulder. I turned around to see that it was Fujima who was sticking his head over to look at my computer screen.
"How far have you got? You need a hand?"
"Have you finished your work?" I glanced over at his computer screen which had turned to the desktop instead of the work application.
Fujima nodded and answered, "Yeah, and how about you? almost there?"
"Almost. Just a bit more. You've finished, so you should hurry home."
"...You're sure about that?"
I could see the hesitation in his face as he looked back, and I just knew what he was thinking: he did not want to leave me alone with Sendoh. He might have been afraid that we would kill each other.
"You go on home, so Maki will get to go home and get some rest too. In less than half an hour, I should finish my work," I insisted.
Fujima exhaled slowly before turning to put his belongings into his beg.
"I'm leaving now, you guys. See you tomorrow. May you finish your work quickly! Drive home safely," Fujima said while looking back and forth at me and the person at the desk in the back. He forced a smile, waved goodbye and left the office. Maki bowed to us. Show respect to me and Sendoh and followed my friend.
Silence took over the office of my department as soon as those two left. The room where lights were on only where someone was still working looked even more desolated because there were only me and the other person who was sitting at the back.
"Everyone's left. Now there are only you and me."
Sendoh's voice broke the silence. I continued working without any interest to turn back to look at him since I did not want to waste my breath with him.
"Kaede."
"..."
"Mr. Rukawa?"
"..."
"What? You won't talk to me. How conceited!"
The person at the back of the office still would not stop talking. I let him go on and on because I knew that if I turned around to converse with him, I would not finish my work even by midnight. Sendoh called me two to three times, and as he could see that I had no interest whatsoever to talk to him, he quit calling me and got back to work.
The mouse clicking sounds and the keyboard clacking sounds echoed all over the quiet, wide room. Here I submerged into my own personal world where I fully concentrated on my work. It was when the clock on the wall of the room showed that it was eight p.m. that I exhaled long and clicked the 'save' button to save my work and emailed it to the Program Department.
"Have you finished your work?" the only programmer who was still in the room asked me at once after I clicked 'send' to the email.
I got up from the chair and turned off the computer while answering, "You saw my email. Why do you have to ask?"
"You're going home now? I haven't finished my work. Stay on. I want some company," Sendoh spoke and walked to grab my arm that was occupied with putting my belongings into my backpack.
"But I have finished my work. Let go of me." I pulled a face and unlocked his hand off my arm with my other hand.
"Hang on. You despise being close to me that much?" He raised his eyebrows as he saw me getting irritated.
I do not like to be touched by other people. If that person is not my boyfriend or someone I trust, like Fujima, I always avoid being touched, especially someone I loathe.
"Akira!" I glanced at the thick hand that was grabbing hold of my arm again while giving him a dirty look.
"What is it, sir?"
Sendoh did not pay any attention to my irritated gesture. The more he saw me being vexed, the more he tried to get on my nerves by yanking me closer to him with his hand grabbing more tightly on my arm like a pair of pliers.
"Let go of me!"
"No. Why? You're afraid that when you're close to me, you'll fall for me, Mr. Rukawa?" He smirked annoyingly and poked his face closer to mine. The cooling scent of mint mixed with the sweet scent of the perfume from his body struck my nose. "When you're close to me, you're afraid you can't control your feelings, right? Admit it."
"Could be. I have never felt with anyone the way I feel about you," I replied while gazing up at the taller guy who was moving closer to me, so close that our faces were just inches away from each other and exchanging looks unceasingly.
"Feel what way?"
"I've never felt I despise anyone as much as I despise you!"
I shook my arm with all might to release the grab of the person in front of me, pushed him away and turned back to my desk to continue packing my backpack. I heard chuckles in the throat of the person behind me, but I did not spare him any attention. I grabbed my car key and my backpack and was making my way out of the office, but then...
Click!
All the light bulbs on the ceiling went off at the same time. The low hum from the air conditioners had gone as well. The office that had been well-lit was pitch black and almost void of any sound.
"Shit! Why do the lights have to go out at this hour?"
Sendoh's low, rasping voice uttered while my throat started to dry up as I saw darkness all around me. There can be blackouts occasionally in this building, and each company in the building has its backup power. However, this morning I heard someone saying that our company's backup power was out of order and that we had to wait until the next day for the technician.
Why did the blackout have to occur today?!
My hands and forehead began to sweat, I became short of breath, some memories started to play in my head compulsively like a flash floods, and that made my hands uncontrollably shake lightly.
"What the f--. Is there a ghost in our company? Kaede, will you really go home and leave me alone?"
"..."
I still did not answer. The tall figure moved from where it had been standing, towards me who was trembling. Once Sendoh moved from where he had been standing, I saw the light from his computer screen that was still on.
A few minutes ago, I was pushing him away, but now I was moving toward him. No, toward that computer screen that was still emitting light.
"Kaede, don't just be quiet," Sendoh called out to me again.
Then a warm touch of his hand grabbed hold of my hand as I was standing still. I took a deep breath, and without knowing it, I grabbed a tighter hold of his hand to relieve the terror in my mind.
The room is not too dark to see anything. There is still some light. It is not dark anymore. I am not alone anymore. It is unlike that time. No...
Click!
Bright lights beamed into my eyes, blinding me. The air conditioners hummed as they resumed operations. I slowly blinked to adjust my eyesight to the lights that abruptly shone. The blackout had ended. Everything around me had been illuminated again. I pressed my lips together tightly and exhaled gradually.
It's over. There's nothing to worry about now...
"Are you okay, Kaede? You look so pale," Sendoh uttered. His eyes were fixed on my face, and I had to glance down at the floor to avoid his look while pulling my hand away from his warm palm.
"I'm okay."
"You didn't answer me and held my hand so tightly that I thought you were so afraid of ghosts and that you were fainting," his voice resumed an infuriating tone.
I gave him the evil eye while Sendoh beamed and put his arm around my neck.
"You won't really stay on me? You know there was just blackout. Supposing the lights go out again and a ghost scares me to death, won't you feel guilty about leaving me here all alone?" He put on such an innocent face that I almost rolled my eyes as a response to his act.
"Why do I have to feel guilty? You are the same kind as them."
"Same kind my ass. I'm not a ghost."
"Why not? You're also a ghost."
"What kind of ghost?"
"A sea ghost."
I said it to his face and walked out of the office without looking back. I could hear a laugh behind me. I brushed my hands on my arms in frustration. In just under ten minutes, I did not know how many times Sendoh touched me.
Then how could I not call him a sea ghost?
Because of the blackout a moment ago, I did not want to use the elevator, so I walked down the stairs of the emergency exit until I got to the floor of the parking lot where I had parked my car. I drove off the office building roughly after eight p.m. The traffic was somewhat light as it was not the usual rush hour anymore, so it took only thirty minutes to travel from office to my home.
When I got into my room, I took a shower to wash away the tiredness that was the result of working all day long.
In my pajamas, I walked back to my bedroom, sat on my bed and picked up the phone that had been chiming to alert me of the constant incoming message notifications, for me to see them.
This time, the message were not from my mother, but they were from Eiji, my ex with whom I broke up the month before. He wished to get back together with me.
I did not respond to the message and turned off the phone, ignore to what he was trying to do.
This was not the first time I faced something like this- there had been many times that my exes finally realized the situation after I had caught them cheating and broke up with them. Each of them said he could not live without me and so tried to get back together with me, but I am the type that learns a lesson and moves on. I do not want to be a fool who was cheated on by the same guy twice. So I never got back together with any of my exes.
Someone once told me that love in the LGBT community is so fragile. Many men who date men usually look so superficial fun or want to temporarily experiment with something new for once in their lives, and they will finally marry some decent woman to build a warm, happy family and completely forget about us, gays. It is hard to find a guy who sincerely wants to have a relationship with us, but I do not see it that way. It does not matter which gender you. I see many times that even straight cheat on their significant other. It is rather about men not wanting to settle down and still wanting more.
There are still many good guys, but I might not be very lucky as no matter how many years have passed, I still have not found that good guy.
Every time, I give my all to love, and yet, every time, I get hurt in return. I am so tired and so sick of it. I want to be free from all of this. I have always comforted myself by telling myself that I have been all by myself since the beginning and so it should be all right if I have to end up being all by myself for the rest of my life. However, in the end, I still longed to have someone by my side.
The digital clock on the desk in my bedroom showed that it was only after nine p.m. Even so, I turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the ceiling light to get ready for bed. The dim orange light from the lamp shone all over the room, keeping my room from being covered in darkness. I had to turn on the bedside lamp every night, or I just could not get myself to sleep.
I lay down on my bed and pulled the cover up to my chest. The warmth of the thick blanket that was covering my body and the dim light in the room comforted me. Back when I was at university, Fujima teased me by saying that I had to sleep with the lights on every night like this probably because I had a terrible fear of the dark. I did not respond to that remark as, in my mind, I did not want to admit it.
Up until now, I had found out that no matter how long it had been, darkness was still my greatest fear.
will be continued...