JENNIE
Christina, still standing in the doorway declared, "No talk about babies, please. Denis is fine, but I am so tired of reading about babies, changing diapers, and everyone giving me advice on how it's right to do this and that. I love him to the moon, but I need a few minutes of not being a mom."
We knew that she couldn't breastfeed, and she had asked us to prepare a few bottles of wine.
When I came home last night, I rushed to the bathroom, calling to Kai that I was tired after a difficult day in the office. I cried my eyes out under that hot stream of water, hiding my sobs. Now I knew that I was afraid, afraid to break up with Kai, afraid to change my life. Why had I thought that Lisa would wait for me forever?
I hid my feelings deep. Just one more day. I had to smile at Alex, at Christina, and at those trusting eyes of Kai. I would do it soon. I was just waiting for the right moment, or so I kept repeating to myself. In the morning, I spent a few minutes looking at her photo. Lisa was strong, I was not. I shook my head trying to pull back into the moment, in that small corridor of our apartment.
"I wouldn't ask much anyway." I shrugged.
"Oh, I know Jennie. It's not you who I am worried about." Christina gazed pointedly at Kai.
He blushed.
"You can ask me anything." Alex winked at Kai. Kai's face lit up.
"We ordered pizza. I hope you don't mind," I said as we all stepped into the living room.
"Thank God. Our nanny, Sophia, helped me lose a few pounds after my pregnancy and all she cooked was green rabbit food. It was healthy, but I missed grease."
We lounged on the sofa drinking wine and eating from the cheese platter I had managed to scrape together. They asked about Kai's legs, congratulating him on the speed of his recovery.
Kai and Alex moved to the balcony so Alex could smoke.
Christina looked at me.
"You look thinner. Is everything alright?" she asked.
I took a sip of wine, hiding my eyes. "Yes, sure, why?"
"I don't know, something is different about you. You have dark circles under your eyes. I am sorry if it's not my place to ask, but how are you?"
"I am fine, honestly. I need to sort something out, but I am okay, trust me."
I could still breathe, still function through life, but a huge chunk of my heart was ripped out. Other than that, I was totally great.
I heard bits and pieces of Alex's excited speech about Denis's little fingers. I smiled watching him, as he always wanted to be a father.
Christina followed my gaze. "He's a natural, you know. I love Denis, but sometimes I think I am losing myself. I don't have a free minute. Sophia came ten days ago, so now it's a bit easier. You can't complain about being a parent, and when women find out that I can't breastfeed, they look down on me, making me feel like I am less of a mom, like I am missing the crucial bonding period."
Christina never questioned my decision of being childfree, and she had never once told me that I'd change my mind.
"I want to go back to the office. Staying at home all the time drives me crazy. But again, the pressure from other people, even my mom, that I am not spending enough time with my baby, and that work is more important." She dropped her head in her hands. "This is so confusing."
"People judge every decision if you dedicate your life into becoming a mother," I said.
Christina took a huge sip of wine.
"And you know,"—she looked at Alex—"secretly I am so happy that I don't breastfeed. I am free to do more things. I don't believe that if my body won't produce milk, I won't have a bond with Denis." She paused, looking at me. "Sorry, I am blabbering about motherhood, and I know how you feel about it."
"No problem. I admire the way you are handling it. You are not afraid to do what you need, not stopping your life, but weaving Denis in your old one. I am glad you are going back to work," I told her.
"They need me in the office." She shrugged.
I smiled. "It is wonderful to be needed."
"Oh yes, I am not only a mother, after all. And you know, Alex supports it."
That moment, the balcony door opened, and Alex stepped in.
"What do I support?"
"Me," Christina said simply.
"Of course." Alex sat near her and enveloped her in a hug. He kissed Christina, lingering there for a few seconds. She leaned into him.
"You know, we booked a hotel room in a center for the next weekend. Denis will stay with Sophia and my parents, and we'll have a day for ourselves." Christina blushed.
"And night." Alex winked at Kai.
As I watched them, my thoughts went to Lisa, to my silent phone. I took three huge gulps of wine, trying to silence my mind.
When they left, I perched on the sofa with a glass of wine, numb from the alcohol and guilt.
Kai sat close to me, our hips touching. He was walking much better now but still winced when he sat.
I looked at him, seeing the few days' stubble I always loved, deep green eyes looking into mine, and the soft light made his hair gold. I could see myself doing it, staying with him, forgetting the ten days I had in LA, pretending it was just a fling, an experiment. I could see myself with Kai, but what I saw was our past. There was no future; both of us had ghosts of desire standing by our sides.
He touched my cheek lightly, slowly drawing my chin closer, and then he kissed me, tenderly at first, but quickly gaining more force. And I kissed him back. Familiar movements made me breathless, my mind shut down, and only my body responded to him.
Could I live as I lived before? Kai moved his hand down my neck, only touching me with his fingertips as though I was made of glass. Slowly, his hand moved under my shirt, taking a bra strap down. I felt the heat rising in the pit of my stomach as he cupped my breast, trapping my nipple between his fingers. Did I want this?
No. No!
What was I doing?
I bolted from the sofa, my heart hammering. I noticed my hand shot in front of me in protest.
"I …" I stammered. It was time. "I love someone else."
Surprise changed to hurt in a second on Kai's face.
"What? Who?" he demanded.
"It's Lisa," I said. His eyes showed nothing; he took time to place the name. I didn't talk much about her with him.
"How?" he whispered.
I sat on the other side of the sofa and told him everything, his eyes growing darker with each second.
"So, if it wasn't for the accident, you would have left me months ago?"
"Yes, the same day probably," I said.
"Wow," he exhaled slowly, covered his face with both hands, and rubbed his eyes.
"I am sorry, Kai."
He removed his hands and looked up at me. "You know, the moment the car hit me, I was laying on the ground, the pain still was in the background when an image appeared. I saw myself holding a tiny baby, bundled in my arms. I had a feeling of pure love that moment, and then the pain and shock hit me. I was thinking that the vision I had might never come true as the asphalt pressed into my cheek."
I closed my eyes sadly. "Oh, Kai."
"And during these months of recovery, you were always close, and I thought, I hoped, you had changed your mind, and that the image I had seen would come to life one day."
I shuddered.
His voice turned bitter. "And now it appears you stayed with me for all the wrong reasons."
"Should have I left you there in a hospital?"
He paused and thought about it for a moment.
"Thank you for not doing that. It would have crushed me." He took my hand. "Thank you for staying and giving me hope to turn to, even if it was false hope. But still, it helped me put one broken leg in front of the other. All the while I saw that something was not right with you; your mind was always elsewhere."
I nodded.
"Can I ask you one question?" he asked.
"Sure."
"If you haven't met Lisa, would we have stayed together? Would we have a family?"
I watched him closely.
"I guess you know the answer. We would have stayed together until you asked me to have a baby."
"So you would have left anyway?"
"I guess so."
Kai was looking at me with such sad eyes.
"But I love you, Jennie."
"I know Kai, but think about it. Would you have chosen a childfree life with me?"
He was silent.
"You would have had second thoughts, you'd resent me, and kids everywhere around you would be a constant reminder of what you could have had. I guess our relationship was doomed from the start," I said.
"You weren't so sure in the beginning! You did not know that you hated kids so much." Kai swept his arm in an angry gesture.
"I don't hate them. I just don't want to have kids of my own. I was younger, and society demanded that women become mothers. But now I am sure and have been sure for years. You knew it."
"Really? You wouldn't change for me, for us?"
I shook my head. "No. Here is an easy question for you now: Would you have chosen me and stayed childfree or would you have rather been a father with somebody else?"
Kai was looking at me and then he looked away, out the window. We both knew the answer.
"You are right. Damn, now I feel as if I am breaking up with you."
I inhaled deeply. "We had our fun together, but it's time for us to both have what we truly want." I moved closer to Kai. "I wish with all my heart for you to have a happy family, with lots of babies." He smiled as I said it. "But I won't be a part of it."
Kai took my hand in his. "I guess deep in my heart I knew. Can I hug you?"
Instead, I hugged him. I felt his heart beating next to mine. This was goodbye.
"Can you show me her picture? You went to her in the US, and I never even saw her," he asked.
I unlocked the phone and showed him Lisa's photo. She was standing on the beach, the wind playing in her hair, and the warm light of sunset lighting up her features.
Kai studied the photo, then me, and he winked.
"Wow."
I smiled.
"You know, it's true what they say. It doesn't hurt my pride as much since it's a woman. If you were leaving me for a guy, it would have been hell. But here,"—he pointed to the photo—"I know what you mean. How did you …" He tried to find the correct word. "Are you a lesbian?"
"I don't really know. I loved you. But with Lisa, everything was different. It was more intense. Maybe I am bisexual? I don't want to label myself. One thing I know for sure is that I want to be with her. But …"
"But?" Kai asked.
"I made her wait for too long and she withdrew from me, from my life. She thought we were getting back together." I gestured to the space between Kai and me. "It was a blow for her, me staying here with you."
"I can imagine. It would have driven me crazy."
"Thank you, Kai." Everyone kept saying it.
He took my phone from the table and gave it to me. "Call her."
I looked at him.
"As you said, it's time for us to get what we want."
I took the phone. Kai kissed my cheek and stood with a grunt.
"I will take a shower, and meanwhile you get your woman back." He tilted his head. "So strange," he murmured and shuffled to the bathroom.
There was no way to reach Lisa, as she had blocked my calls, but I tried anyway. I called again and again, with no luck. I opened my contact list and scrolled down to Jack. His caller ID made my heart beat faster. I pressed his name.
"Hello?" I greeted.
"Jennie, hi." His voice brought so many pleasant memories. "How are you?"
"Jack, I need to talk to Lisa, but I can't reach her."
"She is away."
"What? Where?"
"She's on a plane to Tel Aviv now. Her grandmother had a stroke, a big one. They don't know if she's going to make it." He was talking slow, being careful with me.
My heart sank. Lisa's grandmother was the only relative Lisa had who supported her and talked to her. They were close.
I remembered Lisa calling her grandmother when I was with her in LA, how happy she was to share her news.
"Why didn't she call me?" I asked, more to myself.
"Jennie, she was not in a good place recently, and you probably know why." He tried to keep a reproach from his tone, but I felt it anyway.
"How long ago did she board the plane?" I asked.
"About three or four hours ago."
"Do you know the name of the hospital she's headed to?"
I fumbled to find a pen and a piece of paper, so the grocery store bill would do.
"It's Tel Aviv Medical Center," Jack said.
"And do you know her grandmother's name?"
"They have the same last name. She is Mary."
"Thank you so much." There was an awkward pause. "How was Lisa?"
He stayed silent for a beat.
"She was withdrawn, quiet, and sad almost all the time." He cleared his throat. "But can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Do you still want to be with her? I saw you two together, you are like two parts of one organism. I can't figure out how the distance is breaking it …"
This broke my heart.
"I will fix it, Jack. I am flying to Tel Aviv."
Jack repeated this to somebody, and I heard Ian replying, "I know."
I smiled, this little mystery boy.
"Jennie, she needs you. Will Kai be okay without you for a couple of days?"
"I talked to Kai, and it's over."
"I told you," I heard Ian saying. Was the boy some kind of prodigy?
"Sorry, Jack. Say hi to John, but I need to run," I said.
"Bye, Jennie. I hope it's not too late."
That blow hitched my breath. No, it's not, I thought.