Wednesday, 12.23.2009

Rory couldn't breathe. Jess didn't speak.

There was a chasm of silence between them now, all because Rory didn't think. Her eyes were stuck on Jess's face, carefully watching his expression to hopefully catch a reaction. He was surprised, but that was all she could see. The anger, at least, was gone.

Jess was the first to speak up. "What?"

Her cheeks started to burn.

"What does that mean?"

She blinked rapidly to stop the stinging in her eyes.

"Nothing," she responded, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put that on you... It's not fair." She peeled her eyes off of his face for the first time, glancing backward at her stripped bedroom.

"Don't." Jess's voice was clearly tense, he was clearly straining to keep it somewhat even. "You can't just drop that on me and run."

When Rory looked to Jess again, he was closer. He'd moved to stand at the end of the sofa, maybe four short steps from where she stood. Their proximity to each other made the air feel more electric than it had seconds before. She was trying to find a way out, any way out, but she couldn't think of anything but the truth and she didn't want to tell Jess any of that.

Jess took one more step forward. "Please. I know I... I know we didn't... I-" He cursed under his breath and rubbed his right hand over his face in frustration. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that, I'm sorry we're so shitty to each other - that's probably my fault too. I just need to know what that meant. Okay? Please?"

Rory noticed that his face was flushed.

"Rory?"

The way he said her name was a memory in itself. It reminded her of when he chased her down, begging her to stop.

She didn't get to see his reaction because her eyes had already dropped to the floor in shame. She walked a wide path around him and the back of the sofa, eventually coming to sit on the far side, where Jess used to sit for their movie nights. She could see that he took her spot on the other side, turned toward her expectantly.

For a moment, she considered just getting up and going to bed. She didn't think he would stop her if she tried. He deserved better than that from her.

"You already know about Dean," she started, immediately feeling stupid. Of course he knew about Dean. At least, he knew about the first time.

Jess didn't say anything.

"Dean was my first love, you know? He was the first for so many things, he even-... But, I mean, you could have been the first that night..." She groaned in frustration, resting her head in her hands while she tried to collect herself. "I don't know where to start, Jess. I never wanted to tell you any of this, I never wanted to put it on you."

"I believe you," Jess assured her, nodding his head to reassure her when she peeked a look at him. "I don't think you want to blame me, Rory. But I think that whatever that was is something I should know, don't you? We're going to have along lives, leaving it can't be good."

That's probably true... Rory let herself calm down a bit more before sitting up again. She took her time considering what exactly Jess should know, how much detail she should give him. Every crumb might not be warranted, but he should probably be filled in. With brittle determination, Rory turned her body toward Jess.

"After you left town, I couldn't talk to anyone," she said. "My mother didn't like you, first off. Luke was already having a hard time with you leaving, so he was out. Lane was going through her own problems and Paris... I guess I didn't think I could confide in her like that yet. So, I just sort of kept it all to myself."

She slumped back into the couch, pulling down on the the blankets that was folded on the back. She offered the other to Jess but he shook his head.

"It didn't make sense to me for a long time, especially because no one wanted to tell me anything in case I had a break down or something... Which is funny because I didn't cry for almost four months and that was only because I saw your birthday on my calendar. To me, you had spent so long trying to convince me to end things with Dean and then after one argument you just up and left without a word. You only called me once and didn't even say anything. I know you were going through a lot now, but then it didn't feel fair."

"It wasn't fair," Jess cut in. Rory waved him off, trying to focus on her train of thought.

"We were both kids," she insisted. "And it turned out okay, for the most part. I'm just bringing all that up to say that I was in a rough place and I didn't have anyone I felt that I could talk to. For a while I wished that you had never come to town because then I never would have left Dean and then Dean wouldn't have married the next girl that he dated. Which is why it was so easy to rationalize..." she trailed off, hesitant to share more.

Sleeping with Dean was the worst decision she'd ever made in her life. Admitting what she'd done to Jess, the one person that had always believed in her potential to be good, was daunting to say the least.

Out of the quiet room and breaking through her inner conflict came Jess's voice: "I know what happened."

Rory blinked in surprise, her eyebrows shooting to the roof. "How?"

Now Jess looked almost bashful. "Stars Hollow is a small town... word travels, y'know?"

"Luke?"

"He didn't mean to," Jess insisted, holding up his hands. "He was ranting and he said something about an issue concerning you and I was worried. He only gave me the Cliff's Notes and told me that my presence would make things a million times worse for you."

Considering for a moment, Rory believed that Like made the right call. Throwing Jess into the mix when she and Dean had just gotten back together? That quasi-relationship was volatile enough without bringing the shadow that was her feelings for Jess into the mix.

"I don't blame you for what happened, Jess. I was an adult. We were both adults. But when you showed up at my dorm and asked me to run away with you, I ran away from the pain I had been keeping locked up and that pushed me into Dean's arms. We ended up sleeping together not too much later. After that, I left gave him a note to say we shouldn't be together until after he left Lindsay, like he said he wanted to. But... Lindsay found the note and that's probably when you found out about it. There was a huge scene."

Rory paused for a moment, wondering if Jess would have any comment about what she'd said. It was unlike him to be so stoic.

When he didn't speak up, she continued. "Then Logan happened. In a weird way, he reminded me of you. You can take that as a compliment, I promise. He was witty like you, he made me laugh like you, he even did the same sort of pranks that you liked to do... But he was different enough that it felt like I was finally moving on," she nodded, offering Jess an apologetic smile.

That was Rory's first time admitting outwardly that it took her over a year to even start getting over Jess. She always told everyone that starting college was all she needed, that a change of pace put him in her rearview mirror.

"A whole lot happened between then and when you brought me your book. I lost a dream job and it made me spiral out. I dropped out of school, I joined the DAR, I lived in my grandparents' pool house. I started acting like someone I can't even recognize now, only two years later. You showed up as a whole new person with a book and a job and a life... It forced me to realize that I wasn't being who I wanted to be. It was just like when you forced me to realize that Dean and I weren't as perfect for each other as 16-year-old Rory wanted us to be."

She curled her knees up to her chest, watching Jess take in everything that she had already said. He looked as though he was putting the pieces to a puzzle together, possibly realizing that he had a few things wrong or that he was right in his assumptions. He was staring at the blank television while he thought.

"Logan proposed to me."

That broke his concentration. Jess's head whipped toward her so fast that she might as well have shouted.

"It happened right before graduation. He said he wanted to move forward with our relationship and go to California together. He offered my dream jobs and a massive house and a great life..." She laughed at her own description, knowing full well that she was prone to playing the what-if game and imagining that she'd said yes.

"I had so many reasons to say no. I didn't want to live so far away from my family, I didn't want to live off of his family name, I didn't want to have to exist under his father's thumb. But if you had never come back to see me, if you hadn't forced me to remember who I wanted to be, I would have said yes because I loved him. You showing up made me realize that I was changing too much for other people or to make things easier." Rory turned her whole body toward Jess, wanting to stare him in the eye when she said the last bit.

"You are the only person that has always been on my side, even when we were fighting and I was unreasonable. You were kind and understanding and patient and... I was in love with you until a few months after we kissed at your Open House."

The admission hit Jess gradually, like she'd laid a weighted blanket on his shoulders. He sagged back into the couch from his previously stiff position. She must have knocked the wind out of him.

Rory was tempted to get up and get him a glass of water or maybe a beer, but she thought it might be seen as making light of the situation. Though, they could do with a little levity. She watched him while surprise, confusion, and realization wrestled over his features, eventually settling with a situationally inappropriate smile spreading across his face.

"We're experts at this whole dating thing, aren't we?" he teased. "It never was the right time. Well, no, we had about seven months of 'right time' before it all went to shit again. Since then it's been once missed opportunity after the next and... I guess it lasted long enough for both of us to get over it all." The laugh that Jess let out sounded far less genuine than Rory would have liked to hear.

"If I'd known any of that, I would have run after you when you left the my office the first time. I know I would have tried to convince you to stay and reconsider. But it's all for the best, isn't it? You're on your way to being a big shot journalist, I've got a steadier life than I've ever had. Building all of that took just long enough for both of us to get over it, I guess."

The guilt hanging in Rory's chest was starting to feel heavier. She wasn't totally over him and after all of the truth telling they were doing she still couldn't bring herself to admit that. Even when it would explain why she was acting the way that she did about him and his new maybe-girlfriend.

"Maybe it all worked out for the best," Jess posited. "We were so young when we got together, y'know? If things didn't work out later down the road, we could have had to spend a lot of awkward holidays together, what with Luke and your mom."

Rory cleared her throat while she nodded in agreement. "Oh yeah, there's absolutely no reason that we'd be awkward around each other after this," she scoffed.

"Aw c'mon, Rory. We can just talk about work, movies, the weather... We were friends for a while there. We can figure it out," Jess assured her, his hand raising like he might pat her knee only to fall back into his lap. "We'll see each other on Saturday, right? We can watch classic Christmas movies and play charades just like all those normal friends out there who never considered sleeping together."

"Jess," Rory scolded, shooting him a sharp look. It didn't last so long, considering both of them burst into honest laughter for the first time that night.

"Yeah, sorry for that," he sighed, standing and stretching out his arms. "I figure there's only a few hours 'til you have to be up and driving; are you planning on going to sleep?"

"Depends on if there's a better option," Rory shrugged, pulling the blanket a little tighter around her body to shield herself from the cold.

"How about you find something on TV that's cheesy and easy to rip apart while I go make us some cocoa?" He suggested, crossing between Rory and the coffee table on his way to the kitchen.

"Seriously?" Rory laughed, turning her head to watch him approach the kettle on the counter.

"Yeah, why not? I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. Not after you told me how much you love me," he teased.

"Oh, please," Rory groaned, grabbing the remote and turning on the television. "Whatever you say, Mr. I-Would-Have-Run-After-You."

She settled into the couch more comfortably, laying on her side while she flipped through the late night Christmas programming. Eventually she settled on the safe choice: a Hallmark TV original. The classic choice for those looking to watch poorly written and enjoyable Christmas-themed cinema.

"I want marshmallows in mine," she called to the kitchen, not bothering to look back at Jess.

"I know what you want," Jess retorted sharply.

Rory did fall asleep about halfway through the movie that they were planning to watch, most of her cocoa going cold on the coffee table while Jess quietly sipped his own.

When she woke up, there was coffee brewing and Jess announced that he'd toasted her a bagel. From what Rory gathered from the papers spread across the coffee table, he hadn't slept at all. He got some extra work out of the way and then jumped right into doing all the things that Rory was going to do for herself before leaving, including moving all of her things to the front door. Including the bag that had the clothes she was planning on wearing, her hair brush, and her toothbrush.

Once she was finished getting ready and had returned her hairbrush and toothbrush to their bags, Rory went back to her room to make sure she hadn't left anything behind that wasn't meant to be there. A minute or so later and she left the room, closing the French doors behind her.

"I guess this means I don't live here anymore," she sighed, glancing at the plant she'd bought for Jess's desk a few months before. She'd almost killed the damn thing before he took over its care.

"Yeah, I guess it does," Jess said, his fingers clutching his coffee mug like a life raft. She chuckled to herself, knowing that he'd be passed out on the couch the moment she left. "Are you sure you have everything?"

"Very sure," Rory nodded, setting her mug down so that she could pull on her jacket. "I even made sure to steal all the money out of your bedside drawer."

"Good, good," Jess nodded. "Do you want any help carrying your things to your car?"

"No, don't worry. I sent everything heavy ahead. I only have the two suitcases and my purse."

They stood awkwardly staring at each other for a moment, having already said most of what they needed to say the night before.

"Good luck in New York, Rory," Jess offered, raising his mug to her like it was a toast.

"You say that like you won't see me again in three days," Rory rolled her eyes, grabbing up her bags from the floor.

"I'm trying to be nice, just take the damn luck, will you?"

Rory laughed at his tone. "Fine. Thanks for the luck, Jess. And have a good Christmas, will you?"

"You too, Rory. Merry Christmas."

Though it felt like her boots were suddenly made of lead, Rory turned and opened the front door to Jess's apartment. It took more effort to walk out the door to the hall, so much so that she turned back without a thing to say.

Jess stood there with his mouth open to speak, but it quickly closed when he saw that she'd turned toward him again.

"Bye, Jess," she said, her voice softer than she'd expected.

"Bye, Rory." His voice didn't sound all that different.

That moment lasted longer than it maybe should have, but it eventually came to a close. Rory turned from the door, descended the stairs, and walked down the street to the parking garage.

By the time she was driving down the street, on her way back to Connecticut, her eyes were wet with unshed tears.

A few hours later, on what used to be Rory's bed, was a small folder adorned with a bow. Inside of it, along with a Christmas card, was the last literary review that Rory would ever write for the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Why You Should Read The Subsect by Jess Mariano
by Rory Gilmore