Loyalties:
Mass Effect Trilogy is a Bioware game. For any reference to the Official Game All rights are owned by Bioware. The Fan Fiction "Mass Effect At Dawn Again" is fruit of my imagination and my work, it is a free tribute, passionate and personal to a great video game. It is not allowed any use partial or total for profit and not.
Chapter 26
Virtual Love
… Admiral Zaal'Koris reached the Migrant Fleet safe and sound. He had paid the bill for his life with the sacrifice of all the survivors of his crew! We've been forced to abandon them to their fate because unfortunately, you had no other choice. We both knew that there was just one decision possible.
Quarians had the urgent need to prevent the Civilian personnel get off the Fleet, throwing Captains into a panic. It was crucial for them, not to undermine the whole supply chain of the Migrant Fleet. Admiral Zaal'Koris was the only one that Civilians would have listened. Their only hope, to prevent the invasion's disastrous outcome, jeopardizing dangerously the very future of the entire Quarian species.
However, when I saw you stepping out of the Comm Room, there was nothing but deep regret in your eyes, due to yet another painful choice you had been forced to take. You barely looked at me, by slipping into the elevator with no words. I quickly popped my arm through the door, preventing the closure for a breath. I went in, and I let it go for a few seconds, before stopping the elevator's rise.
Your face was tired, dejected. The dark glance was probing carefully on the floor. You made a great sigh, as you stretched your neck and arms in silence. You always do this, when you're struggling not to cry. My heart slipped down in my stomach, which was trembling and biting in pain. I wanted to be there for you because I knew that you needed me, and I was hoping I'd be able to get a grin. I tried to put all my resolve in the sound of my voice, while I was looking for your hands, by exclaiming ...
L: Shepard! I'm so sorry ... please, let me embrace you!
You touched my face with fingertips in a sweet caress, while your lips stretched in a tiny smile, but bright, as you said …
S: You don't need any permission for this, Little Heart!
Then, you closed your eyes, attracting me in your arms with abandon. We held tight, almost until not to be able to breathe. Your voice became a desolate whisper, which filled me with emotion, as flooded with a sweet melancholy ...
S: Oh, hold me! ... Hold me tight, my Love, don't let me fall!
I squeezed you as hard as I could, while your heart came inside my chest, like a bomb. I spoke you with fervor, beating back all your blame …
L: Hey, come on, Sweetheart! We'll be stronger than this damn war! You are all my strength, Shepard ... all my courage to fight! You can't be responsible, having to choose the inevitable! No one else has landed on Rannoch with us. No one else was trying to rescue those missing people besides us. They'd be dead anyway, and everyone ... the Admiral Koris including! I suppose, at this point, the Civil Fleet would've already fallen into chaos! That's not an excuse, I know. That's not enough, to make less hurt, neither to me! But ... we are forced to look at things, as they really are, and unfortunately, we are living this awful reality! You did what you had to do, Emy ... it took great courage, and I'm closer to you more than ever!
Your gratitude face was overflowing. You held my face in your hands, tenderly put your lips on my forehead. Then, on the nose and cheeks, one by one. Finally, your gaze imbued with love rested inside my eyes, silent, for a while. Your lips lingered on my lips, so close. You touched my breath for a long moment with your own, before closing your eyes once again. You kissed me gently, vibrating me long of love, and deep emotion. Slowly, the courage and determination overwhelmed your concern. While, the love without end enveloped both intensely, feeding with a new vigor the firmness of your voice ...
S: OK. OK, I'll get over it, soon. Don't worry, I'll be fine! You're right, I know! It's just that ... sometimes I need someone to tell me there was no other way, and I damn need for you, my Love being the one who tells me! Thanks for being always by my side, your support is so important to me!
L: Oh Shepard, I'll always by your side, and never stop supporting you, I promise! ... I love you so much, Emy!
S: Oh, I love you too, Little Thing! Come here ...
I tenderly abandoned my lips on yours, letting myself carry by the warmth of your lips, by the arousing euphoria of our senses thrilled and melted. We stayed long intoxicated by the intensity of our feelings. Until, your voice whispered slight, still dazzled with emotion ...
S: Come on, let's start the damn elevator before EDI sends the mechanical squad for the repair!
Before I could act, the fussy voice of EDI spread in the elevator, making me jump. Of course, a wave of shame came upon me, disorienting me completely, as the current of a hot and sudden tide. The more she talked the less I felt at ease ...
E: Don't you worry, Shepard! I can identify with immediate efficiency any kind of failure of the Normandy, starting the appropriate procedures of repair, with extremely fast execution times. However, experience suggests not to consider the sporadic elevator anomalies, in case, the only occupants are you and Liara.
You snickered. EDI's unscheduled interruption seemed to have definitely cheer you up, rather than put you on the spot. As for me, I felt embarrassed enough about both, I guess. As usual, I was almost speechless ...
L: By the Goddess!
You kept to act as if nothing had happened. You talked to EDI in a commanding tone. Maybe, she didn't even notice, but for me, it was clear that, you were struggling hard not to burst out laughing ...
S: Get your synthetic ass in my cabin EDI, right now! And, don't you dare snooping around this elevator never more! Did you hear me?! I probably shouldn't have encouraged you, hanging out with Joker, so often. I wonder why I have the feeling that you're getting the whole bad examples package!
I suppose your word got the desired effect because, EDI's voice no longer seemed so calm and safe. On the contrary, a sort of vague concern became more and more evident, in the hesitant tone of her response ...
E: Of course, Shepard! I don't ... I'm sorry. I ... I'll be right there, Commander!
A moment later, you got the elevator climbed, while you looked at me tenderly. On your face a serene air wafted, your voice gentleness imbued, washing away my discomfort ...
S: Hey, come on Liara, stop being ashamed! Nothing bad happened. Always better than the big and intrusive Krogan snooper, who has broken into my cabin the last time, and just as I was starting to undress you, remember?!
L: Oh, Shepard! How can you laugh about it?! How is it possible that these things don't embarrass you, not even a little bit?!
You shrugged, opening your arms, as candidly saying ...
S: Well, probably, if you spent half of your life on the street, and the other half in the Corps, you would grasp it at once!
You didn't tell me about your past, virtually never, but you used to act as you've always had a good life, a happy childhood. However, sometimes, during mergers, you let me share some small fragments and painfully entangled between your memories. We had never broached the topic openly, perhaps because, I was waiting that you felt ready. However, I was absolutely aware how much your youth had been hard for you.
Suddenly, a special memory of your past as an orphan brought this on my mind. I saw you wandering, abandoned to yourself, in the wild world of "people invisible". A seedy place, and dangerous inhabited by those "nameless and homeless," who crowded the forgotten suburban context of a teeming metropolis back on Earth.
The panic burst reached me, excruciating and violent, like a punch to the gut. I recognized your shame, as greedy eyes set hungrily on your dirty body, barely covered with filthy rags and ratty. Not enough to completely hide your forms of still unripe girl.
I could guess the midsummer night's blistering heat. The revolting smell of garbage spread out everywhere, while you got your heart totally off the chart. The race at breakneck speed knocked the breath out of you, but even more, it was the fear of attracting the greedy attention of robbers of pleasure and ruthless, to choke your breath.
The cheap sex traffickers were beating dark alleys, like every night, in search of young flesh, for their dirty dealings. You couldn't get off the street fast enough that night. Not so fast to avoid being noticed. You could just escape, running at breakneck speed, disappearing in some safe hiding place. Just wait and wait, silent and motionless, squatting down a drain. And wait again, buried in a dirty, dark corner, at the bottom of a narrow alley and isolated. Sweat burned your eyes wide open, holding your breath, until about to pass out, praying they would not be found you out. Hoping they would go away, before you ended your breath.
It was just a blink of an eye, but the terrible memory was always able to upset my heart. Suddenly, I felt terribly foolish. I was embarrassed for reasons as trivial, and I felt a great need to play down. I hugged you again, putting my lips on yours in a tender greeting, then I smiled at you, saying ...
L: Ok, you're right, Hon! I guess, living with the Marines has been very traumatic! But, don't worry because, EDI can never stop me from kissing you in the elevator!
Just a moment before the elevator door opened, you expanded your smile, giving me tender greeting back to my lips. Finally, with more measured tone you added ...
S: Hmm, this is really great, T'Soni! I'll call you later to say I love you, before sleeping.
L: Ok, see you later!
… EDI was waiting in front of your closed door for ten minutes, at least. Hands clasped behind her back, motionless. Her eyes busy in some sort of complex theorem. When the elevator door opened, she turned into a kind of pre-alert status. You didn't even look at her. You stepped toward the door of your cabin, which automatically opened, talking dryly ...
S: Come with me.
You entered the room in silence. You went directly to the bathroom, and opened the shower, beginning to take off your uniform. When you took off your bra, EDI immediately turned her back on you, to avoid looking at your naked body. You began to shower, calmly, as if nothing had happened, while you asked out loud ...
S: Why don't you look, EDI? Are you ashamed?
EDI didn't move nor answer immediately. She looked as in seriously need to work up a motivation as comprehensive and detailed as possible. In her voice you could guess some sort of unreadable concern ...
E: No, Shepard. I know every human anatomy aspect, even those concerning all other known species of the galaxy. The ones extinct for millions of years including. Also, I've available your entire medical database. Your body is "technically known" to me in ... every internal and external detail. To see your naked body can't cause me no comparable response to shame.
You immediately told back in your ironic tone!
S: Oh, that's great! Anyway, I suggest you never tell this little thing to Liara. You know, she's pretty jealous, sometimes! So, what?
EDI paused, then she went on to talk a little more slowly ...
E: So, I assume I'm respecting on your personal privacy. It could be a serious lack of respect looking, because organic beings consider to be naked in the shower as a great personal intimacy moment.
S: Hmm, really?! And tell me EDI, do you know any other "moments" which we organic consider "as a great personal intimacy"?
EDI kept her puzzled tone, reinforced by a sore point, which became more and more marked, as she continued to speak ...
E: Yes, Shepard. With particular reference to the Human race, sex is considered a very intimate and personal moment ...
S: Good, go ahead.
E: I ... I guess there are things, lovers want to say exclusively to the loved one. Things just as personal and private than their own moments of physical intimacy.
S: So you're good! Now tell me EDI, while you were sniffing around Liara and me in the elevator, did you know all that interesting stuff, already?
EDI said slowly, aware tone and regretted ...
E: Yes.
You were just enjoying the shower, in spite of you didn't stop making pressing questions out loud ...
S: But, you didn't care eavesdropping it was a ... wait, how did you just say? "Serious lack of respect," of our personal privacy, in such an intimate and private moment?
EDI had no need to reflect, this time. Despite the sore point of her voice was becoming even more pronounced, by mixing it with a hint of modesty unexpected ...
E: It's not correct Shepard. I cared very much, and ... I'm so sorry for what has happened! I was not spying. I didn't mean to embarrass you nor get disrespect anyone.
And ... Joker has nothing to do, I give you my word! I promised myself, I will not lie, you know it. Joker doesn't even know. Actually, I beg you don't talk to Joker about the incident ... I think, I can say that it would be ... "really awkward" to me.
You put on your yellow bathrobe, coming out of the shower. You reached EDI, while you were passing the towel through your hair. She was observing your aquarium with the fake interest. Your patience was beginning to falter, as your tone of voice became more insistent. You looked at EDI straight in the eye, barking ...
S: OK, you can look now! May I know, why the hell you were listening, then?!
EDI started telling the finely detailed true reason ...
E: When I found out the elevator block, my control routines sought for malfunctions. I did a quick scan, to verify if the elevator was occupied by people hurt or in trouble. The sensors shown both your vital signs, and Liara's.
I could not completely rule out that you were in danger of life, in the short term, because your vital signs seemed crazy. All your parameters were completely out of range. When I was about to alert Dr. Chakwas, you've begun to speak. It was then, I realized you were in one of your intimate and personal moments, and I should respect your personal privacy.
However ... I had the opportunity to directly detect every reaction that love produces on organic beings, and I was fascinated. So ...
EDI paused again. It was all too evident she was having difficulty continuing. Despite this detail was really curious, it seemed unimportant to you. You were absolutely determined to go through with it, getting the EDI's point of view complete version of events. So, your voice kept pressing ...
S: So?
EDI resigned herself to explain, telling the whole truth, her unthinkable intentions revealing.
E: Shepard, you and Liara are the more in love people I know. I couldn't resist the temptation to make a complete analysis concerning changes of your vital signs totally crazy, to compare them with the ones I detected on Joker. I wanted to check whether ... when we're together, he feels to me a similar type of emotional involvement.
You looked at EDI with wide open eyes. Your voice could not help but become friendly again, as you asked in a surprised tone ...
S: EDI, did you want to know if Joker loves you?!
EDI began pacing back and forth around the room, as if she felt pretty nervous. Nevertheless, her voice still sounded quiet and calm ...
E: Yes.
You looked at her with eyes still wide opened, as your amazement gave way to a great feel of tenderness. You immediately felt empathy, your wanting to help wouldn't stop growing ...
S: Well, your desire to know about Joker's feelings makes sense, EDI. However, your way of acting is completely wrong! You know, when we organic beings, we want to know whether someone is interested in us, we don't go around it secretly doing our diagnostic investigations. It would be kind of like ... spying on your friends in the elevator, you see?
EDI stopped walking. She bowed her head, intentionally avoiding your gaze. Although it sounded incredible, her body showed unmistakable signs of regret. A feeling of unpleasant confusion seemed to take her voice, with an intensity more and more increasing ...
E: I think I figured out Shepard. The type of relationship existing between two people it is all the more confidential as the larger is their mutual availability to relate intimately with each other. However, to reveal oneself must be just a desire, a voluntary feeling, for each of them.
You nodded to EDI pleased to note, as you exclaimed ...
S: Right! I'm glad you got it!
EDI looked both confused and embarrassed. She showed a great deal of interest to discuss the topic further, and her curiosity, actually, no showed any sign of decreasing ...
E: Shepard ... may I ask you something personal?
Despite, you were happy to help shed some light on the obscure path concerning EDI's personal relationships, a little shiver grew at the root of your neck. Slowly it began to walk the entire length of your back. You knew well, how much "EDI's questions," sometime, could become embarrassing, even for you. So, you were hoping you didn't get into trouble with your own hands, about questions too thorny to explain. You hid your concern under a bright smile, as you answered in a gentle tone ...
S: Of course EDI, ask away.
E: I took your advice, Shepard. Joker and I, we talk about a variety of topics not linked to the job. We joke a lot. We exchange personal opinions, some advice. I think he enjoys spending some pleasant time with me, more and more. However, all my affective sub-routines can't set out precisely, what I really mean to him.
I am wondering, how Joker is feeling for me, but the more I hang out with him, and the less I can define our kind of relationship. Tell me, Shepard, how did you know that Liara's interest in you was more than a friendship? When did you think it was love? And ... how could you be sure you were in love with her?
Suddenly, you realized, this was the question you've been waiting for. Difference between love and friendship, is something very obvious for all organic creatures. The true challenge, it was to make something so strongly tied to the emotional range, clearly comprehensible to a synthetic creature.
The more intriguing challenge for sure! On the other hand, EDI's growing of consciousness, never stopped surprising you in a more and more positive way. What is more, thinking back to when we met, you were doing to try a wave of pleasant emotions. So, you glanced at EDI, with a wave of your hand, pointing at the couch, grin face. Finally, you sat down next to her, starting to tell with a sense of intimacy, as you do just with your close friends ...
S: Come on, EDI, sit down. Well, at first, I had no idea what Liara was feeling for me! However, I was absolutely certain of what I felt about her! You know, I was deeply attracted to her, both mentally, and also in a physical way. I could not help but care about her very much, although we had known for a short time.
Her presence got such an intense impact on my state of mind, getting all of my senses involved in my emotions inside. I was in a constant turmoil, both physical and mental.
Of course, this kind of attraction can have many levels of intensity, but when it occurs, you can be certain that it's not about friendship we are speaking about ... or no longer! So, my first advice is, to ask first of all to yourself, what are you feeling to Joker, trying to figure you out, what you want from him.
For example, I was dying to see Liara, to be in her company, and more than anything in this universe, I wanted to take her into my arms. You know, we also talked a lot, and ... the more I knew intimately Liara, the more I thought she was amazing! I wanted her to be happy. When she smiled, I felt an overwhelming joy, and when we were together, I felt like I was flying!
E: You were flying, Shepard! Unless I'm mistaken, you were aboard of the Normandy.
S: huh huh, yes EDI, although not always! Sometimes, we were landing or back on some Station, for example, on the Citadel! It's just a figure of speech, to describe when your body feels like it's hanging in the air, floating in a continuous state of pleasant euphoria.
EDI's curiosity was more and more captured ...
E: Aw, I see. Please, go ahead.
S: You know, I kept wondering what Liara felt about me. Of course, I very much hoped that she felt as I felt. However, at the first moment, I was damn frightened that, all she felt to me was friendship, and gratitude for saving her life. This doubt was driving me crazy, and I felt very bad!
So, I began to disclose my emotions, little by little, and Liara used to do the same thing. Finally, one day I realized, she was feeling exactly like me, and I ... well, it was one of the best days of my entire life!
Love is stronger than any fear, remember! When you figure out what you really want, don't be hasty. Always be honest, and share your thoughts with Joker little by little. Love is a mystery that's left to reveal, but it doesn't mean it's always reciprocated.
It's precisely for this reason that we are so scared at first! But, just one thing you can be certain of. If he loves you, he's feeling the same confusion, and he's dealing with the same fears. So, the time to start your path will come. Don't worry, when you are ready, you both will understand it together, you'll see ... good luck, my friend!
EDI stood up. A flash of awareness ran through her face. Her eyes sparkled, like you have never seen before. For a brief moment you had got the impression they were alive. The sides of her mouth stretched out. EDI's lips shaping in a kind of smile. Her self-controlled voice vibrated with a tremor of passion unmistakable, while the words quavered her tone, revealing some sort of emotional response ...
E: Thank you, Shepard! My sub-sensory routines have caused an emotional system overloading. I'm experiencing a high rate of altered responses to all irrational boosts. I think we can define this, like a state of profound ... emotional gratitude towards you, and ... happiness! I appreciate so much your advices, Shepard. You just deliberately shared with me, such an intimate part of yourself. It was really ... nice!
You stared at EDI, standing in front of you. You were holding yourself in your yellow, warm bathrobe, your hair still wet. A sudden thing flashed into your head. One day, who knows when, who knows where, a Quarian perhaps could seize in the eye of a Geth, this same flash of light. You were still barefoot, and in a bathing suit, completely disarmed and so frail, aboard a small starship controlled by a synthetic creature, everyone lost in a dark ocean and cold. But, EDI was there, right in front of you, and her smile seemed really like a small light of hope.
S: You're welcome EDI. We are friends, and I'm glad to help you. Actually, it was nice to me too!
This time, EDI stared straight into your eyes, as she asked …
E: Shepard, do you believe I could feel ... love?
The light of hope seemed to you brighter and brighter ...
S: You're an A.I. in a synthetic body, EDI. You've obtained the full awareness of yourself. You know the importance of the free will. Your learning is still in the act of evolving. So, I suppose, the one and only limit is represented from yourself! Well, keep going, my friend, never stop trying ... I feel very optimistic about your unlimited possibilities!
E: Thank you, Shepard!
EDI headed for the door. She paused in the doorway for a moment, before going out. She turned her face toward you, as glanced again. Her eyes peacefully, her voice full of sincerity, saying ...
E: I'm sorry I listened, Shepard. Will never happen again, I promise!
S: Yeah, I know!
… When you reached me at the comm, I was about to go to sleep. Your voice was pretty tinkling, you sounded very excited ...
S: Liara? Hi, Little Heart, were you sleeping?
L: Shepard! Well, no. Actually, I was waiting for my Goodnight kiss ...
S: Hmm, it sounds interesting. Why don't you come and get it? You know, I cannot wait to tell you something! ... Oh, Little One, you'll never believe this!
L: I'm comin'!
To be Continued ...