XXX Chapter 23: The Memory

Janus held his hands behind his back as he stared up at the sky. Warm sunlight radiated down from the blue expanse, with fluffy, white clouds dotting the air above him, just a few for the sake of appearances rather than for rain. The sunlight warmed his shoulders, seeping into the dark fabric of his capelet and making him almost warm enough to consider removing it, though he ended up deciding to keep it on in the end. He strolled leisurely, no set destination in mind and not being particularly concerned about when he would get back.

He took a deep breath in, inhaling the scent of the wildflowers and grass that made up the field he wandered through. The ground was dry beneath him, and the grass crunched slightly under his feet. Soon, Roman would probably replace the fluffy clouds with storm clouds. After all, he didn't want to cause a drought in his imaginary kingdom. But that would probably come later, and right then, Janus was going to enjoy the warmth and the sunlight and the pleasant breeze that rustled its way through the grass.

He'd always enjoyed Roman's side of the Imagination, and he snuck in whenever he got the chance. It wasn't as though he didn't like Remus's side at all, but the fact was that Remus's half wasn't made for leisurely strolls or relaxation. It was oftentimes cold, and on the rare occasions it wasn't, it was so outrageously hot that even Janus couldn't stand it. The sun was also usually blocked by dark, lightning-filled clouds, and more of the plants there were dead than alive. Not to mention the fact that he got attacked by something about half the times he entered. Many aspects of it were just not particularly pleasant most of the time, though he wouldn't exactly say he was afraid of most of it. After all, even if he was attacked, he was unlikely to die, and even then (as unfavorable as that outcome would be), he would come back eventually. He'd be willing to bet that the others were afraid of it, though. Or at least, Patton would definitely be afraid of it, as would Virgil, though he'd also probably try to protect the others if it came to that. Roman would perhaps be afraid, but likely not enough to dissuade him from fighting any monsters he came across- it would be more of a general discomfort, more likely. Logan would probably come to the same conclusion he did- that it wasn't too dangerous because it wasn't real.

The others didn't really visit Remus's half of the Imagination, with the exception being Roman, who was occasionally forced to fight something so it wouldn't cross over to his own side, or the rare instances when the twins were forced to work together.

The others didn't like to visit Remus's half, but Janus certainly liked to visit Roman's, even though he was surely unwelcome. He never did quite figure out whether Roman was aware of his presence there or not. Did he know and just not care? He could have sworn that the twins were able to sense them in the Imagination somehow, but he didn't know exactly how it worked. Did they have to be looking for them? Did it let them know where they were, or even which side they were in? Or did they just have a general sense that they were in there somewhere? Janus didn't know, but Roman never came to yell at him or make him leave, so he didn't particularly care what the answer was.

Eventually, he found a large, flat stone, and giving in to his more reptilian half, he decided to bask in the warmth of the sun-heated rock.

Things would be okay. Thomas was doing well, and the others were all doing their jobs. Deceit himself was keeping everything in control, keeping everything as it all should be. Now, he was indulging in self-care and taking a relaxing stroll outdoors.

Everything was fine.

XXX

When Patton walked into the living room, he was surprised to find Deceit sitting on the couch. The man had barely left his room since it had been moved over, and when he did, it was mostly just to get food. So it was a bit peculiar for the deceitful side to just be sitting there in the living room for no apparent reason.

"Hey, um, Deceit," Patton greeted awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

Deceit didn't respond- didn't even react, as if he hadn't heard him, and Patton sighed. Deceit hadn't spoken a word to him since their argument, and it seemed that trend was going to continue. Shoulders falling, Patton turned to enter the kitchen, thinking that Deceit would rather be left alone. But just as he was about to cross through the doorway, he paused, remembering what Remus said about Deceit staring off into space.

Patton was almost positive that Remus was describing Deceit dissociating. Was that what was happening now?

"Deceit?" Patton tried again as he walked over.

Again, he received no response, even as he knelt down in front of the other man.

Deceit was sitting there, his posture far more slumped over than Patton was used to seeing in the man, and he was leaning his head on one hand, which was braced on his leg. He was staring off at a point on the far wall, and if Patton had to guess, he wasn't looking at anything in particular.

"Deceit? Can you hear me?"

Carefully, he lifted a hand and waved it in front of the man's eyes. Deceit blinked, and for a second, he saw his eyes focus on the movement before the attention waned again. Mentally debating with himself, Patton decided to reach out and gently touch the other side's shoulder. This action resulted in a flinch, and this time, he was sure Deceit saw him, as he was now staring at him, even if his gaze was still a bit vacant. He continued blinking, and Patton kept his hand where it was, even though Deceit had initially flinched away. If Deceit was dissociating, he needed to be kept grounded, and the physical touch would be something he could keep ahold of, right?

"Hey, Kiddo, are you with me?"

Patton tried to give him a reassuring smile, though he wasn't sure it met his eyes.

He blinked again.

"Hm?"

"Can you understand what I'm saying?"

Deceit took a long moment before he responded with a nod.

"Okay, that's good…," Patton mumbled, more to himself than Deceit. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugged lightly, the action barely lifting his shoulders.

Patton frowned, not quite knowing what he was supposed to do. He didn't think Deceit would be able to do any of the grounding exercises he knew right then, but he also didn't want to just leave Deceit alone to slip back into himself.

"Want to join me in the kitchen, Kiddo?" Patton offered. "I can make you some tea. Does that sound okay?"

Maybe a warm beverage would help? The heat would give him something to focus on without Patton having to grab him the entire time, and if he picked something fragrant, the scent might be strong enough to latch onto as well.

Deceit shrugged again, then blinked, and Patton figured that was enough of an agreement. So, he removed his hand from Deceit's shoulder and held it out so he could take Deceit's hand instead.

He pulled gently, and Deceit stood, somewhat on his own and somewhat with Patton's help. Once he was standing, though, he remained still, so the fatherly side had to actually guide him to the other room, where he encouraged Deceit to sit at the table as he filled the tea kettle.

"Do you like jasmine?"

"Hm."

"… Okay…"

Patton added the tea to a pair of mugs, and as he waited for the water to boil, he got an idea. Taking out his phone, he started playing some soft, classical music. Then, once the water was boiled, he poured it into the mugs, sticking a few ice cubes into Deceit's before setting it in front of him to make sure the man wouldn't end up getting burned. Patton sat down on the other side of the table. Slowly, Deceit reached out and gripped the mug, though he didn't take a sip for a long time.

"Are you feeling any better?" Patton tried again once it seemed like Deceit was more present.

The other man frowned, looking down into his cup.

"… Don't wanna talk right now…"

"That's okay," Patton nodded. "We'll just sit here for a while, alright?"

And so, that's what they did, the two of them occasionally taking sips from their mugs. Some time after Patton had finished his mug and the remainder of Deceit's had grown cold, Deceit stood, nodded toward Patton, and left without another word.

XXX

Slowly, he settled down behind his desk, shuffling to find a comfortable position to sit in. Then, he took a deep breath in and stared at the piles of paperwork he had to do. He was months behind, and there was no way he'd be able to sort it all out today, but he had to try, didn't he? Whether anyone wanted him to do it or not, his job was necessary, and so this paperwork was necessary to keep track of it all (he had to do it and prove it was necessary. He had to show Patton that he couldn't just leave it alone because it had to be done. His job couldn't just be swept under the rug for later- it couldn't, even if that's what he had been doing long before his fall).

But where was he supposed to start? Filing away Thomas's lies? Most of those would probably be outdated by this point, and any that Thomas would have needed later would have been torn apart by now, what with Deceit being out of the picture for so long. What about his attempts to make Thomas a self-care schedule? After all, the man needed some self-care right about now… But was any of that still relevant, either? Surely, Thomas's overall schedule had changed by now, and he had likely moved on to some different projects. The ideas could stay, but he would probably have to ask Logan for a more up-to-date schedule until he could figure it out for himself again. And that was likely to end in Deceit getting a lecture on self-care as if that wasn't his job. Was there anything that needed to be repressed? If so, how well had it been repressed with him gone? If it had been left too close to Thomas's awareness, would he even be able to repress it while being as weak as he was? And what about Thomas's goals and desires? Had he made any new ones? Or was he pursuing the same ones he already had been?

Most of his questions could only be answered by actually going through the paperwork and reading what each page said. After all, he couldn't possibly know the contents of the stacks without reading them, not when he wasn't even there. But where was he supposed to start? There were just so many piles, and even looking at them was starting to feel overwhelming.

Okay. Deep breaths.

This was his job. This was the reason he existed, what he was made to do. It should be easy, He was Deceit, so of course he could act as such. He was back now, so he had to do this (even though the dread was already dragging him down, and the thought of lifting even a single page made his arms freeze in anticipation, and the thought of going through each stack made him want to crawl back into bed and just sleep, and even though this paperwork had gone undone, Thomas was still okay- not great, but okay, because it was more important that Deceit existed within the Mindscape than it was for him to actively try to do anything because everything he did somehow made everything worse, because no matter what he tried to convince himself, he was a villain).

Enough. Enough of letting himself go down a rabbit hole of thoughts. This was pathetic- he had been back for over two weeks now, and that should have been more than enough time for him to pull himself together.

Perhaps he should start by sorting the piles and getting rid of anything that didn't matter anymore. That would make the endless stacks more manageable, right?

Deceit grabbed the stack closest to him and began reading the topmost page. It was something more recent, from only the other day. It was a simple lie, one that Thomas probably wouldn't need to keep track of, but it would be best to hold onto it for a little while- just in case. Alright, so far, so good.

Deceit was able to maintain his focus for a few more pages, but it didn't take long for him to find his attention dwindling. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he should just work on them, he couldn't stop thinking about all the other papers he still hadn't gotten to yet. There was just so much that he couldn't focus on just a piece of it.

With a sigh, he tossed the current document he was trying to read back onto the top of the first stack and ran a hand down his face. This was ridiculous.

"Hey."

Deceit jumped, shoulders tensing as his attention immediately switched to the doorway, where Virgil was staring at him with a raised brow and crossed arms. Janus frowned.

"What do you want?" he sighed, hoping that whatever it was didn't take too long.

Virgil shifted, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Thomas wants to talk to you."

XXX

So, this chapter is a few different pieces as kind of a transition to the next chapter.

For clarification with the Patton part, Janus is still mad at him, but he was, in fact, dissociating and therefore just wasn't dealing with any of it. Also, the italics at the beginning of the chapter are a flashback.

XXX