XXX Chapter 27: The Door

Aaaaaaaaand I'm back.

Surgery sucked pretty bad. My arrival time wasn't until 1 pm, and I wasn't allowed to eat after midnight, so I didn't get to eat anything until like 8 pm. And my parents wouldn't stop fighting beforehand, which combined with my anxiety sent me into a meltdown. And it turned out the injury was more messed up than they thought, so a lot more chopping had to happen than expected. But on the bright side, it actually wasn't as painful afterward as I expected, so there's that.

And here's the next chapter:

XXX

Janus had, so far, managed to avoid going to talk to Emile. It wasn't as if the thought of going to him had never crossed his mind- in fact, he'd thought about it many times- but he could never bring himself to do it. From the start, he and Emile just weren't made to be complimentary. Much in the way Deceit opposed Logic and Morality, Janus clashed with Emile. The characters generally stayed in the Imagination, in the towns Janus avoided, so he didn't encounter Emile very often, but just being near him made Janus feel uneasy. Even though Janus wasn't his patient, he felt like Emile's eyes were always searching him for some morsel to latch onto, as if the man was trying to peel back his layers of masks and peek inside of him. Emile, though not a side, still had a definable role- as a therapist, one of his talents was getting people to talk, to reveal their secrets.

As Deceit, Janus just couldn't deal with that.

Recent events notwithstanding, Deceit dealt in lies and secrets, repressing things that Thomas wasn't ready to know. That was one of his most important functions, and as a result, Janus repressed himself as well (in more ways than one). So what was he supposed to do when someone was forcing him to stop leaning into one of his functions, forcing him to reveal his secrets and lies? Just because the others now knew more than he ever wanted to reveal to them didn't mean that he wanted to go over the entire thing again, and with someone he barely even knew, at that.

And really, what was Emile supposed to do? Even Logan had said it- Thomas didn't like him, believed all the way down to his core that Deceit's functions were evil and wrong. Janus couldn't change that, and neither could Emile.

There's a reason he presents as the villain.

Of course there was. He was the villain- that was the role he had to play, the only role he could fulfill in order to try to help Thomas, even if he'd still failed spectacularly. After he was revealed, he had to do his job somehow, and Deceit was never going to be able to be a hero- he'd never be one of the precious little Light Sides who could mess up over and over again and still be accepted. Because it didn't matter how hard Deceit tried to do his job if Thomas didn't want him to do his job. At this point, Deceit had been relegated to being a 'necessary evil'. Sure, him dying had been enough to convince Thomas that he needed Deceit to survive, but he was still bad. Killing was wrong, but sometimes, you have to hunt an animal so you don't starve to death.

Emile couldn't change that. He couldn't change him, not in any way that made him less of a serpent slithering through the shadows.

If Logan could hear his thoughts, he'd probably remind Janus that the idea was to go to Emile to learn coping methods. It wasn't really the goal to 'fix' anything- just to bandage him up enough that he wouldn't break down again quite so easily. As long as Deceit could survive in the shadows, there wasn't really a problem anymore, was there?

Perhaps he shouldn't complain. He himself wanted to do just that- slink back into the shadows and never interact with Thomas and the others ever again, just fulfilling his role as needed. He would just stay with Remus, and when Remus went to be with the others, he'd just be alone until he returned (if he returned). It wouldn't be any different from before. He'd do his job in his room, Remus would do his job in the Imagination, and the two of them would occasionally be ignored together. With the new addition of Remus not being quite-so-ignored anymore.

And really, wouldn't that be the best-case scenario? Thomas would get all the benefits of Deceit doing his job without actually needing to deal with him, Remus would get to spend time with the others and his brother, and Janus wouldn't have to deal with everyone trying to control his every movement anymore. Everyone else would be happy, and Janus would just… Exist.

"Kiddo, I really think you should at least try talking to Emile," Patton insisted. "Even just once? You could try and see if it helps."

"Actually, it's rather unlikely that Deceit would receive any benefit from a singular session," Logan corrected. "The first session would most likely consist primarily of the intake process, as I assume Deceit would be considered a new patient, and even then, it would likely take at least a few sessions to accomplish anything."

"Oh. Um… Well…"

"That being said, Deceit, it would likely be beneficial to you to at least attempt seeing Emile a few times," Logan continued.

Janus grimaced, wishing they would just leave him alone already. Patton, Logan, and Roman had been lecturing him for well over half an hour about making an appointment with Emile, even though all Janus had been trying to do was get a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Fuck off," he growled.

"Oh, come on, you already said you would!" Roman exclaimed. "All you have to do is sit in a room and talk to him! It's not hard!"

It's not hard. Yeah, right. What would Roman find difficult? Killing a hydra? Of course, if he didn't think it was hard, then surely anyone would find it easy, right? Because why would anyone struggle differently than a prince who solved all his problems with a sword?

"I didn't agree to shit," Janus hissed. "I agreed to having a conversation with Thomas because he made me, and then I was too fucking tired to argue! But I didn't agree to talk to Emile. Thomas hasn't even found a damn therapist yet, and he did agree!"

Roman opened his mouth to respond, but Logan started talking again before he could say anything.

"We know you haven't agreed; that's why we are attempting to convince you."

Oh, did they know? Roman certainly didn't seem to.

His head was thrumming in a painful throb, the pulses beginning to make his thoughts swim.

"I've heard enough of your convincing!" Janus shouted in exasperation. "I just wanted to get a glass of water!"

"Deceit, we're just trying to help-"

"You're not!" he denied. "None of you will fucking let me do anything without turning it into some big deal and trying to make me talk! I'm tired of talking! I'm tired of having you all constantly watching me! And I'm so fucking tired of you all trying to control me! I'm not a dog!"

His hands were shaking slightly now, clenched into tight, gloved fists. His headache was getting worse, making his vision begin to swim along with his thoughts. And on top of it, his heart had decided to join in as well, its rapid beat out of sync with his head.

"No one is suggesting that you are."

He hated Logan's calm, collected voice. The sound of it grated on his ears and made him feel like he was overreacting for not being able to exhibit the same restraint with his emotions anymore. Surely, Logan thought he was just being dramatic (assuming he hadn't taken the phrase literally). He just didn't get it. None of them did.

"Then stop TREATING ME LIKE ONE!" Janus screamed. "I don't need to be led around on a leash!"

"Deceit…"

His breath hitched in what had now become a familiar feeling.

"I'm a grown man!" Janus continued. "But you all try to control what I do, what I eat, what I say! You won't even let me go home!"

His breath hitched again, the pace increasing.

"I can't- ugh- fuck!"

He could hear them talking to him, but he was done. He didn't want to hear any more of it, and he wasn't going to.

So, he just turned around and left the room, storming away as quickly as he could down the hall.

And of course, moments after he entered his room, he realized he'd been followed. And just as every other time he wanted privacy since waking up, there was really nothing he could do about it.

"GET OUT!"

His words had to be squeezed out from a tight throat, only able to form short phrases. He saw Patton responding, but by now, he couldn't understand him even if he wanted to.

"LEAVE!"

Even still, they didn't.

They never just listened to him. He was tired of being a spectacle, tired of the others staring at him every time he broke down. Why did he always have to have an audience now?

Why wouldn't they just listen to him?

XXX

As soon as Virgil took off his headphones, he heard shouting.

"I'm not a dog!"

Silently cursing to himself, Virgil wondered what exactly it was that had set off the argument this time, and he took a second to debate whether he should try to step in or not. Remus was in the Imagination, and no one really knew when he'd be back, so he wasn't going to be able to comfort Janus unless someone went to get him. But was this the sort of argument where Janus would want Remus to comfort him? Or would he want to be left alone?

The only way he could even guess would be to see what was going on, he supposed.

And so, Virgil slid off his bed and shoved his phone in his pocket. Walking down the hall, he heard more of the conversation.

"No one is suggesting that you are."

"Then stop TREATING ME LIKE ONE! I don't need to be led around on a leash!"

"Deceit…"

"I'm a grown man! But you all try to control what I do, what I eat, what I say! You won't even let me go home! I can't- ugh- fuck!"

Well, that certainly provided some context.

He heard Janus stomp away, the sound of a slamming door conspicuously absent, and by the time Virgil made it to Janus's room, he found that the others were there as well. It was immediately obvious that Janus was having a panic attack again, though he appeared to be sitting on the edge of his mattress rather than the floor this time. Patton and Logan were trying to talk to Janus and get him to calm down, while Roman was mostly standing there looking conflicted.

"Hey. What's going on?" Virgil asked from the doorway.

The others turned toward him, but Janus didn't acknowledge that he was there.

"We… had a bit of a fight with Janus," Patton admitted guiltily. "We were trying to get him to talk to Emile, and, well…"

Based on what he'd heard, this wasn't just about talking to Emile. Granted, Virgil knew Janus didn't like Emile very much, but disliking Emile probably wasn't enough to trigger a panic attack. Considering the tail end of the argument he'd caught, however, he had a good idea of what likely had.

Janus had always needed a sense of control over things- in fact, that was one of the things the two of them had butted heads over before. Janus liked being the one who held the strings, liked having an idea of what would happen. On his more generous days, Virgil recognized that a sense of control gave Janus comfort, helped him feel like things weren't as bad because, if it was part of his plan, then it was okay (even if, on his more bitter days, Virgil tended to think of him as more of a control freak).

Right now, Janus pretty much had zero control over things. His schemes had long-since fallen apart, and his mental health had plummeted to a point where he clearly couldn't even control himself, let alone anything else. And on top of that, everyone was forcing him to do things- granted, they were all just trying to help, but he knew that wasn't how Janus was seeing it. He just saw control, not the motive, because he clearly didn't believe that their motive was kind. If Virgil had to guess, he'd probably say that Janus saw all this as an attempt to take advantage of what happened.

And now, they were essentially cornering him again, and it clearly wasn't helping.

"Okay. Here's what we're gonna do," Virgil said firmly. "I'm gonna play some music, and then we're gonna leave. Got it?"

"What?" Roman gasped. "We can't just leave!"

His sentence was punctuated with Janus's heavy breathing.

"Well, we're going to."

"B-"

"No buts, Princey," Virgil denied. "Look at him. Us being here isn't helping. I think he just needs to be left alone for a few minutes."

"But he might do something!" Roman argued anyway.

Virgil sighed. He couldn't guarantee that Janus wouldn't hurt himself, and if he tried, Roman would know he was lying. But Virgil was also pretty sure that leaving him alone for a bit would help Janus more than anything else they could do.

"It's just a few minutes, Roman," Virgil told him. "Come on, you can't tell me you'd want people standing over you if you were panicking."

Virgil knew he would certainly hate it. Sure, he'd started accepting comfort from the others during panic attacks now, but when he'd first moved to the Light Side, he'd kept his door locked tight any time he felt the squeeze of adrenaline starting to kick in.

"… Perhaps… We should try that," Logan said, appearing reluctant. "We'll still be nearby, so if anything happens, we will hopefully be close enough to step in."

Patton nodded in agreement, and though Roman still didn't indicate his reply one way or the other, he didn't struggle when Virgil grabbed his sleeve and led them to the living room. Virgil sat down on the couch with a sigh, already feeling tired. The others sat down as well, all three of them looking toward Virgil in a way that let him know they were expecting him to have more to say.

"Look guys, I get being worried about him. None of us want him to hurt himself," he huffed. "But we can't watch him all the time. Everyone needs a little privacy sometimes, and he literally doesn't have any. And since he's Deceit, it's even worse because being secretive is part of him. He needs privacy and a sense of control, or he isn't going to get any better. He's just going to keep arguing with us and panicking."

"But what are we supposed to do, then?" Roman asked, upset. "We can't let something happen again. I saw him Virgil, at the bottom of the cliff, and I can't- I can't let that happen again. And if we leave him alone, it might."

Virgil softened a little at the reminder that Roman had been one of the sides to find him. He knew that Roman was still struggling with what happened, both with the memories and with his feelings of uselessness, his feeling of failing as a hero. But even still, Virgil knew Deceit well enough that he knew Deceit was being driven crazy by their current level of hovering.

"I know, Princey," Virgil spoke gently. "But he could also hurt himself in front of us if he wanted to, and we wouldn't really be able to stop him. I'm not saying we should stop being careful, but I mean it when I say this is just making things worse."

"I suppose that makes sense," Logan hummed. "We're just repeating the same issues from the other day."

"But what do we do?" Roman asked, exasperated.

Virgil took in a deep breath, already knowing they wouldn't like his answer.

"I think we should put his door back."

"What."

"I don't know if that's such a great idea, Virgil," Patton chimed in. "What if he locks himself inside again?"

"Maybe we can keep the lock off for now," Virgil suggested. "But I think he needs to be able to at least have something to hide behind. He's been complaining about the door since he's been back, and all it's done is make him more upset. The day his room was brought over, I had to help him move his bed because he was too freaked out that people could be looking at him while he slept. And it gives him a little bit of control back."

He could see the others mulling it over, quietly trying to weigh whether it was more dangerous to keep Janus under surveillance and risk worsening his mental health or to risk him hurting himself while they weren't watching. It was during this silence that Remus returned from the Imagination, entering the living room with his Morningstar held up by one shoulder. When he saw the rest of them, sans Janus, gathered around with serious expressions, his own face darkened.

"Fuck. What happened?"

"Deceit had a panic attack," Logan replied evenly. "We were discussing him seeing Emile, and it upset him."

Remus clenched his jaw for a second before asking a second question:

"Is he okay?"

"We left him to calm down," Virgil replied, trying to keep any hint of anxiety out of his tone, even though that was hard for him.

"Virgil thinks we should put his door back," Roman added suddenly.

At this, Remus's eyes widened for a moment, allowing Virgil to see a flash of fear behind them. Even when his expression returned to how it had been, he still seemed uneasy.

"Explain."

He could see the tense worry making itself known throughout Remus's body, and he knew Remus wanted to go check on Janus. He could also guess that Remus wasn't quite sure why he would suggest that so soon after what had happened the other day, still fearing that Janus's claims of wanting to disappear were meant as more than just being able to hide for a while.

"Remus, you should know better than anyone how much he hates not having a door," Virgil went over his justification again. "Like I told them, taking away every bit of Deceit's privacy is making things worse. You know how he is with things like that."

"Yeah, but I also know he locked himself in his room for fucking months, and I couldn't fucking do anything about it!" Remus argued. "I know he fucking hates it, but what are we supposed to do if he does that again?!"

"See, that's what I said," Roman mumbled under his breath.

"Again, we could start by keeping the lock off," Virgil said, getting exasperated. "But there's no way to watch him 24/7 without causing more damage. The fact is that he might hurt himself. And we need to be careful about that and make sure we're still checking on him, but if he's really that determined, he's going to find some way to do it whether he has a door or not."

He took a breath in, and shockingly, no one interrupted.

"But he's also only died once, and he hasn't really done anything since he woke up," Virgil continued. "Like Logan said, the immediate danger has passed. He hasn't actually done anything that suggests he'll kill himself again the second we aren't staring at him. Like, I can't believe I'm the one saying this, but you guys need to chill a little! He needs support and treatment, not a babysitter! And the more he feels like we're forcing him, the less compliant he's gonna be, even if it's just to spite us!"

He rubbed his temple for a second.

"I'm fucking scared too, guys. This situation is messed up, and we need to do something about it," he told them. "But we can't just- we can't just do things because they make us feel less scared. Watching him all the time does more for helping us be less scared that he'll hurt himself than it actually helps in making him not want to hurt himself."

With that final sentence, Virgil felt like he'd said his piece. Anything else would just be more repetition again, and it was pointless. He was definitively outnumbered, and the only one who seemed like he might agree was Logan, and even then, he knew Logan was apprehensive. If Logan really thought Janus should have his door back, he would have been the one to say so. But Virgil didn't know what else to do. He wasn't stupid- he knew Janus still more-or-less hated everyone except Remus and Thomas, and Remus was the only one he actually trusted. Janus didn't want to be anywhere near them most of the time, particularly Virgil himself, and just about every interaction was an opportunity to trigger another panic attack or sobbing session, as well as another argument. He had no doubts that the fucked-up relationships between them were a major source of Janus's problems. And out of all of them, the bad blood between Janus and Virgil was the most personal, and likely pretty painful.

But frankly, Virgil was tired of it.

He hadn't exactly forgiven Janus, and Janus definitely hadn't forgiven him, but to a certain extent, a lot of it seemed kind of petty now. So many of their arguments had started over stupid, insignificant things that didn't have to be an argument if one of them had only just compromised for once. But after all this, it really felt like they had bigger fish to fry.

"Maybe… Maybe we can put it back after he talks to Emile?" Patton offered. "He really needs help, and I understand that he doesn't like him, but we don't really have another option right now. I just think it would be better if someone who knows what they're doing better than us could tell us how dangerous it would be."

"That might be a good compromise," Logan agreed.

This was followed by Roman nodding and Remus shrugging his shoulders sullenly.

Virgil wasn't so sure if that really was a good compromise. It was still essentially forcing Janus to talk to Emile by offering an incentive, and Virgil felt like they should put the door back regardless of whether Janus agreed to go or not. But he also doubted that anyone would listen to him about that right now, and it was better than nothing.

He just hoped it wouldn't make things worse.

XXX

They're…. KINDA starting to get it, but still not quite there…

XXX