XXX Chapter 29: The Bandages

Of course, Patton told the others.

Of course he did.

Patton left for just a moment and then immediately returned with everyone else, including Thomas, and the pleading continued. With Thomas being there, though, it was much harder to refuse, and the strange calm was partnered with a partial apathy. Combined, these two forces allowed him to be coaxed into getting back up and opening the door.

He was immediately bombarded with shouting and questions and reaching arms, and the chaos of it made him step back and try to slam the door shut again. Except Roman reached out faster than he moved and held it open.

And then he was dragged back into the bathroom, where Logan had him roll up his sleeves so he could check if he'd treated them correctly. Upon finding loosely-wound bandages and an admitted lack of disinfectant, the logical side had to redo them entirely. Luckily, they'd at least allowed him the privacy of the bathroom door being two-thirds shut, providing a minimal barrier between the two of them and the others.

He saw Logan's frown as he finished unwinding the bandages, the side lifting his arm to get a good look at the cuts.

"… I don't believe any of these need stitches, so that's good."

Janus just nodded and let the man work, cringing only a little when his arm was cleaned and letting his mind begin to wander as new bandages were wrapped back around them, the end result looking much better than his own.

After that, the door was opened and he was dragged into the living room and encouraged to sit on the couch. And that's where he was now, his mind hovering in a somewhat confusing state between the drifting he'd gotten used to and his normal existence (or, what had become his normal).

XXX

When Patton told them Deceit had cut himself, Logan wasn't really surprised. He'd expected it to happen at some point- they all did, really. It was more a question of how bad it would be and what triggered it than whether it would happen again or not. Even still, Logan was quite relieved to find that none of Deceit's cuts had been that deep. Deep enough to bleed and certainly deep enough to hurt pretty badly, but not quite deep enough to require stitches and thankfully not deep enough to make them fear for his life, either. He did seem a bit 'out of it', but the logical side hypothesized that it was more of a mental process than blood loss.

Now, they were all gathered in the living room, and Deceit wasn't really looking at them. He wasn't much looking at anything, it seemed, but he still appeared somewhat aware of his surroundings.

Suddenly, Roman let out a shout:

"See, this is why we shouldn't have put his door back! Look what happened!"

Virgil bristled, having been on the opposite side of that argument.

"Hey, he cut himself in the bathroom," Virgil pointed out, tone slightly guilty. "This wasn't about putting his door back."

"But then he ran and hid in his room!" Roman protested.

"He wasn't even in there for fifteen minutes, Princey," Virgil shot back. "I mean, he chose to open the door… That… counts for something, doesn't it?"

Virgil's voice had grown very quiet by the end, but even Logan could tell that there was some form of hope there. Virgil, in a strange burst of optimism, was hoping that, despite the relapse in self-harm, Deceit had taken a step forward in accepting their help, even if small. At present, Logan wasn't quite sure what to think on that subject. He was currently more concerned with what had caused it, if anything.

He could see Remus, who had once again entered what had once been an uncharacteristic silence, press closer to the man from his position beside him on the couch. He squeezed one of Deceit's hands, and with a few blinks and a slight turn of the head, he seemed to have finally realized that Remus was there. He, however, remained silent.

"For now, I don't think having another discussion about the door is the most important issue," Logan advised. "I feel the need to point out that Deceit appears to be dissociating to some extent, and we should probably focus on grounding him before we proceed with anything else. He can't participate if his mind is elsewhere."

"I'm fine," Deceit shot back, his voice monotone.

"That's debatable," Roman grumbled.

"Roman," Remus hissed. "Would you just shut the fuck up?"

"I'm not-"

"Can we just stop?" Deceit cut in again, a tiredness creeping over the apathy in his voice. "Please?"

It was obvious that Deceit didn't want to talk about this- after all, he hadn't wanted to talk about anything else so far (not to mention the fact that his function was so heavily based on not talking). Even still, though, they couldn't just ignore what had happened.

"I'm sorry, Kiddo," Patton spoke gently. "But we can't… What exactly do you want us to stop?"

Deceit crossed his arms over his chest, his body curled in on itself. Logan noted, with concern, that Deceit was digging his thumb into one of his cuts. He chose not to call out the behavior at this exact moment, though, and resolved to just keep an eye out to make sure he didn't do anything worse. Although it was far from the best grounding method, that did seem to be what Deceit was doing, as he appeared more present after a moment of reigniting the pain in his wounds. Unfortunately, under the present circumstances, the lifting of his dissociated state led to an increase in the man's agitation, which wasn't likely to be of any more help.

"This," Deceit hissed. "Dragging me out and making me talk to all of you again. We just did this!"

"Deceit, that was a separate conversation," Patton replied, trying to explain plainly. "We're talking about what just happened, not anything else."

Within his own mind, Logan silently questioned Patton's statement. Realistically, even if they strictly spoke only about the immediate issue, that issue was inherently connected to the content of all their other conversations. After all, this was not an isolated incident, either of the cutting or of Deceit's mental health difficulties. Even still, Logan wasn't convinced that the conversation had been or would continue to be completely free of any outside influence.

"I'm not a child, Morality," the man growled back, clearly offended. "I'm well aware of what we're discussing. You're the one who isn't fucking listening!"

Deceit pressed harder, and this time, Remus took notice, nudging Deceit's shoulder in an attempt to get him to stop without riling him up any further.

Deceit either didn't notice or didn't care.

"I don't want to have another big group discussion! I don't care whether we've had this exact conversation before!" yelled the man. "You pestered me while I was in the bathroom, dragged me out of my bedroom, and now you're trying to start up a whole other discussion! I hate to break it to you, but there are ways to solve things other than standing around in a circle talking to ourselves!"

"We 'dragged you out of your bedroom' because you hurt yourself!" Roman challenged. "How were we supposed to know how bad it was if you locked yourself in your room?! And if Patton hadn't gone to check on you in the bathroom, you could have run into your room and bled out without any of us even noticing!"

"And I could have just been showering!" Deceit shot back. "You didn't know!"

"That's why we have to check!"

Deceit pressed even harder, and Logan was now seriously considering whether it would make things worse if he told him to stop. From the looks on their faces, it looked like Remus was about to grab his hand away and that Virgil had now noticed as well.

"Okay, let's all just calm down for a sec," Thomas spoke up, making everyone's attention shift to him. "Deceit, if you don't want to talk to us about what happened, why don't you have another appointment with Emile? That way, you can have a private conversation."

Logan thought Thomas's suggestion was quite a good one- it would allow Deceit to have the privacy he wanted, make it so they didn't have to have 'another group discussion', while also making sure something was still being done. Deceit could disclose what had happened to Emile, and Emile could likely give better suggestions than they could, especially since Emile was unlikely to end up participating in the arguing they often engaged in.

Deceit, however, seemed to be no happier with this than talking to them.

"No," he denied outright.

Logan frowned.

"Is there a particular reason why not?" Logan questioned, partly believing that Deceit had reached a point where he just didn't want to agree with anything they said.

"Because I don't like Emile!" Deceit responded, almost sounding like he was whining. "And I literally just talked to him today! Why are my only options to talk to someone I hate or get paraded around like a sideshow act?!"

Today.

Yes, Deceit had just had an appointment with Emile earlier that day. And now that it had been brought up, Logan realized that Janus had gone into the bathroom to cut himself not long after returning from the appointment. He highly doubted that the two events were entirely unconnected.

"Deceit," Logan asked with purpose. "Did Emile say something to you in your appointment that triggered this?"

At this, Deceit blinked, apparently caught off-guard by the question. If he had to guess, Deceit probably thought that he was going to just immediately be forced to talk to the therapist. Now, some of the anger drained away to an awkwardness that had Deceit staring down at the carpet near his feet.

"I just hate him," he answered eventually, his voice bitter. "He just… He keeps poking at everything and asking questions and talking about things that don't even make any damn sense."

Ah. Deceit had been triggered by his appointment, but it seemed to not have been one exact thing, but rather, the entire experience. Of course, they all knew that Deceit hadn't been particularly eager to go, probably wouldn't have if he wasn't bribed/forced into it, but even for someone whose core functions didn't center around deception and repression, therapy could be hard. It was necessary in many cases, but therapy very frequently delved into uncomfortable topics, things people didn't want to think about or acknowledge. It was emotionally taxing, and Logan was sure that Emile would have brought up the self-harm by now- which meant that the thought of cutting had been brought back into the forefront of Deceit's mind. It was, admittedly, a pretty bad combination for someone in Deceit's position. At the same time, though, it would be incredibly difficult for Deceit to get help on that front without mentioning it at all.

"Unfortunately, therapy does include a great deal of divulging information and reflecting on oneself," Logan said finally, trying to sound sympathetic. "It can be difficult at first, but it will most likely be beneficial in the long-term. In fact, it will probably be more effective than talking to us about it, seeing as we appear to just upset you more than anything else in most of these conversations."

Again, Deceit looked mildly surprised. Remus, meanwhile, leaned into him again, speaking in a quiet voice (which was still loud enough for them all to hear):

"DeeDee, you really should talk to Emile," he advised. "At least then it's only one person, right?"

Deceit sighed, his shoulders dropping as he once again admitted defeat.

"If I agree to talk to Emile again, can I fucking go?"

"Actually," Logan stopped him. "Do you still have the knife?"

He received a glare and another angry huff for the question.

"No," the man insisted. "I knew you'd end up taking it anyway, so I just poofed it away. Happy?"

He didn't actually wait long enough for an answer before continuing.

"Cool. I'm leaving."

And sure enough, Deceit left, and even though they all wanted to follow after him, they forced themselves to remain in place (or, in Roman's case, Virgil was lightly holding his arm, not enough to actually stop him but enough to remind him that Deceit would react badly to being chased down.

Hanging over them all, though, was the knowledge that Deceit could summon things again, which gave him practically unlimited access to whatever knives or other means of hurting himself he could want.

XXX

The next day, Janus found himself sitting on the same couch he'd been on yesterday, holding the same stuffed animal, as Emile had offered it to him almost as soon as he'd sat down. His initial reaction had been to refuse it, but he held it back, knowing that he was already anticipating a rather unpleasant experience and not wanting to make it any more difficult on himself than he had to by starting an immediate argument. And besides, even if he was loath to admit it, the animal's heavy weight did help a little.

Today, he could immediately tell that Emile was much more subdued than in their previous appointments, his somber expression somehow irking Janus almost as much as his cheerful one. The therapist was staring at him and rolling a pen between his fingers, seemingly trying to decide how to start. Janus, he must know by now, wasn't going to initiate anything.

"So, Deceit," Emile began. "Would you like to talk about what happened yesterday?"

Janus grimaced.

"Oh, of course I do," he replied sarcastically. "I just love discussing this."

Emile nodded.

"Talking about self-harm can be difficult," Emile told him. "But it can be dangerous, so we can't just ignore it."

Janus looked away.

"It's not a big deal," Janus insisted, though his response was almost a mumble. "It's not like I even cut that deeply."

This time, at least.

But Emile shook his head.

"It's better to cut more shallowly than deeper, but even shallow cuts can be dangerous, especially if you don't treat them properly afterward," Emile challenged. "Regardless, hurting yourself as a coping mechanism shows that there's a problem. Granted, I think you already know that, but ideally, you would learn to cope in a less destructive way."

"Like what, running around the Imagination and fighting monsters?" Janus spat out. "Because Roman and Remus get hurt constantly, and no one seems to be telling them to stop. Why? Because they get hurt by monsters instead of themselves?"

Emile let out a breath.

"In a way, I guess. Intentions play a part," he explained. "Sometimes, hurting yourself is just part of an activity. Exercising can make you sore, and it hurts to get tattoos. But hurting yourself isn't the reason you're doing it, and those activities are usually beneficial in the long-term. Now, based on what I know about those two, I wouldn't say that none of their behaviors are problematic in a similar way to yours, but this isn't about them. Those two have their own issues, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean that yours should be ignored."

Janus blinked. This was the first time anyone had actually agreed when he pointed out the hypocrisy of the Creativities' dangerous adventures.

"Now, I know you don't like revealing your secrets," Emile redirected back to the original topic. "But nothing you say is going to leave this room."

Most things wouldn't leave this room, Janus corrected in his mind. Just like a 'real' therapist, Emile would break confidentiality if he was concerned about Janus's or someone else's safety. In this case, the only instances where that would apply would be if he threatened one of the other sides or said he was going to try to kill himself 'again'. After all, everyone was entirely aware of the self-harm already. Regardless, Janus had no intentions to physically hurt the others, and if he ever was going to try to kill himself, he certainly wasn't going to tell Emile about it beforehand (not that he was intending to do that anyway).

"Logan mentioned that he thinks our session is what triggered you yesterday," Emile continued. "Is that accurate?"

Instead of answering, Janus just sent him a glare. He didn't want to admit it, even if it was true. He didn't want Emile to know how weak he was, not even being able to handle a conversation (even if it was one he didn't want to have). Granted, he would admit it if that would allow him to discontinue these appointments, but even with the others knowing, they still made him go. And according to them, the only other alternative would be talking to them about it, even though he wasn't even friends with any of them besides Remus at the moment.

Why couldn't Janus just talk to Remus? That wasn't ideal either, and he didn't exactly want to spill his secrets even more or burden Remus with this, but at least he trusted the man (even if that trust was getting more and more shaken as it felt like Remus was joining the Light Sides in ganging up on him every time anything happened).

"I see," the man hummed. "First off, I think it would likely be beneficial if we agreed to a system so I know if I'm going too far or you need to take a break. It's not my job to just bombard you with questions and force you to talk to me. You do need to talk about some things so I can help you, but if we need to slow down, that's okay. I don't need to know everything, so if you really don't want to talk about something, you can tell me that."

He set the pen and notebook down in his lap, leaving his hands free.

"You can just tell me if you need to stop, but if it would be easier to use a non-verbal signal, you can raise your hand like this, okay?" Emile told him, holding up one hand in a 'stop' gesture. "How about that?"

Janus crossed his arms, again holding himself back from immediately rejecting the suggestion. He really didn't want to talk about any of this, and agreeing to use a signal felt like agreeing to discuss at least some things. However, even if he didn't want to talk about things, he also didn't exactly want to feel the way he did yesterday. He didn't really think the cutting was as big of a deal as the others were making it out to be (at least, not for him), but he'd only done it because of how he'd felt. And maybe, as much as he didn't want to, if he accepted the therapist's suggestion, he'd be able to avoid some of those feelings.

After all, if he was going to have to talk either way, wouldn't it be better if he was allowed to put his foot down?

"… Fine," he agreed eventually.

"Great!" Emile smiled for a moment. "So, how about we talk about what happened, and if you want to stop, we stop?"

He moved his jaw.

"Fine," Janus gave in, gripping onto the stuffed animal tighter.

"So, how did the others react when they found out you hurt yourself yesterday?"

He hadn't expected that to be the first question, but at least Emile wasn't starting with something he didn't want to (couldn't) answer.

"Patton grabbed me and chased after me when I went to my room…," Janus explained simply. "And then he… told the others."

Emile nodded.

"And what happened after that? Did you let them in your room, did you come out, or did you just stay in there?"

"They got Thomas. And it hard to not listen to him, so…," he continued. "I opened the door and they started grabbing me and yelling and whatever."

Now, the therapist frowned.

"Hm, I'm guessing you didn't like being treated like that, right?" Emile asked.

Janus nodded.

"Can you tell me how it made you feel?" Emile requested. "Angry? Upset? Cornered?"

Cornered. His mind was a little jumbled up at the time, but he definitely remembered feeling cornered. He remembered feeling like he was in danger, like he had to run, even though Patton wouldn't really hurt him (physically). And having a large group of people right outside his door while he felt like that… Cornered was probably the best way to describe what he felt.

Even still, instead of admitting that, he shrugged his shoulders.

"Okay," Emile accepted. "It's okay if you don't know how to feel right now."

He wrote something down in his notebook, and Janus realized he hadn't been looking to see if this was the first time, or if he'd been writing things down already.

"Did you go to Patton and tell him about what happened, or did he walk in on you?" Emile asked, keeping his tone serious but gentle.

Even still, Janus tensed again.

"Why the fuck would I go to him?" he hissed. "I don't even fucking like him!"

"Oh," Emile breathed. "So, did he walk in while you were cutting yourself?"

"He checked on me while I was in the bathroom," Janus corrected. "I guess he figured it out when he grabbed my arm."

That made Emile frown again.

"Okay, no one should be grabbing you."

"I'm aware."

"Have you ever told someone about the cutting, or did everyone find out after you fell?"

Realizing he hadn't really breathed in a while, Janus forced some air into his lungs.

"No."

"Would you be willing to talk to someone when you feel like hurting yourself?"

Suddenly, his previous idea about talking to Remus being an option seemed impossible. How could he possibly go to Remus when he wanted to hurt himself? He didn't think he'd actually be able to get the words out, and even if he did, wouldn't it just make Remus feel even more worried? Would it even help anything?

"Stop."

His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, and he surprised himself by saying it more than he'd surprised Emile. The therapist just nodded in agreement and went quiet. Janus had to resist the urge to curl into himself, stop himself from hugging his knees until he could pretend things were okay again. But he wasn't going to do that in front of this man, so he just kept sitting and focusing on the heavy weight in his lap.

And somehow, that seemed to do something, and Janus eventually refocused on the room and the man in front of him.

"Are you okay?"

Janus nodded.

"Alright," Emile accepted. "For now, how about we just go over some harm reduction techniques and call it a day?"

Janus sighed. He was getting tired, and he would definitely prefer returning to his room for a while.

"Very well."

Emile smiled a little.

"Okay," he started. "To begin with, it's unrealistic to expect you to just stop cutting. But even when you do cut, you can still make it a little safer for yourself. You already said you didn't cut too deep, so that's a good place to start. You can also try to cut places where you're less likely to cut an important artery or tendon. Instead of your wrists, try to stick more to places that have some fat, like your thighs. And if you do cut, you have to make sure to treat it so you don't get an infection. You have to disinfect the area and bandage your wounds properly."

This was probably the most shocking thing he'd heard Emile say so far. He was literally instructing him how to cut himself. Sure, Janus understood the man's point- if he was going to do it anyway, he should try to do it as safely as possible- but it still felt strange that he wasn't just telling him to stop.

"Obviously, if you can stop yourself, it's better not to cut," Emile immediately added. "To start with, you can try to distract yourself or find someone to talk to until the urge goes away. You can also try to replace the activity with something less harmful, like snapping a rubber band against your wrist or holding ice cubes. You can also try some grounding exercises or something creative."

Janus just stared at him.

"Again, I don't expect you just stop, and there will probably be times you cut yourself again, but every time you want to and you don't, you've taken a step forward," Emile continued. "And we can work on things like the grounding exercises during your sessions if you want. Does that sound alright to you?"

He didn't know what to say, so he just shrugged.

"Alright. Do you have any questions? Or anything else you want to talk about?"

"I… don't know."

"That's fine," Emile told him. "You can always ask me questions later, and if something else comes up, we can schedule an extra session again. But right now, it's okay if you want to have some time to yourself."

Janus nodded.

"Yeah… I…"

He just nodded again, and Emile stood up. Janus Stood up as well, moving to set the stuffed animal down.

"How about you hold onto that?" offered the man. "It might help, and I have plenty of them."

And so, Janus ended up returning to the Mind Palace with the stuffed animal lightly gripped in one hand. He really didn't know how he felt about this session, but it wasn't quite the same as how he usually felt. This time… he was pretty sure he wasn't all that upset? Sure, he'd needed a pause during the appointment, but right then, he felt more confused than anything else, even if nothing they'd talked about was even that hard to understand. The appointment itself was different, too. Emile had toned down the peppiness, and he hadn't mentioned cartoons even a single time. Had Logan told Emile about Janus's annoyance with him? Or had Emile figured out that his usual approach wasn't working on Deceit?

Well, at least the appointment hadn't been as bad as he'd expected.

XXX

Okay, disclaimer time: Just to be clear, I'm not trying to say 'therapy is bad because it makes you upset' here. Therapy can be very beneficial, but it does also often delve into upsetting areas, and it can be very difficult to do it. I usually need some time to calm down after my therapy appointments, and a good therapist really should check in on you to make sure you're okay before the session ends. Also, the part of this chapter with Emile is NOT intended to be some instruction manual for how to hurt yourself. I do believe in harm reduction techniques, because I do think that works better for a lot of people than just telling them to stop. Self-harm is a coping mechanism, so if someone's doing it, there's gonna be a reason, and just saying 'you shouldn't do that' isn't going to help them.

Stay safe, y'all 3

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