XXX Chapter 30: The Apology

Virgil took a deep breath as he exited his room, trying to settle his nerves as best he could before going to find Janus. Things had calmed down a bit, but they'd also stagnated. Janus hadn't had another major breakdown (or at least, not a loud one) since talking to Emile a while ago, but he hadn't really gotten any better, either. He was spending a lot of time in his room again, though he came out at least once a day, and if it seemed like he wasn't going to, one of them would drag him out for dinner. They took turns checking on him, and most of the times Virgil went, he found Janus just sitting or laying somewhere (usually his bed or the floor, almost giving Virgil a heart attack when he'd seen Janus laying on the carpet with his eyes closed. His first thought, upon seeing him on the ground beside his bed, had not been that he was just taking a nap).

Once in front of Janus's yellow door, Virgil gave it a firm knock, taking in another breath.

"Come in," he heard Janus respond, his voice only sounding somewhat-annoyed.

He pulled open the door and found Janus in the process of sitting up from where he seemed to be laying down on his bed. He was holding the weighted seal that Emile had given him, which Janus had apparently grown attached to, though Virgil wasn't sure if the attachment was more emotional or because it served a practical purpose. For a moment, Virgil mused about the shift in Janus's opinion on the therapist. He still didn't love seeing the man, but he barely complained about going to his appointments anymore, and he didn't seem to be as distressed when he came back. Apparently, whatever had gone on in that appointment had changed something, though Virgil was obviously not privy to what that was.

Now sitting up, the seal still in his lap, Janus raised an eyebrow, the silent question asking him why he was there.

"Hey," Virgil greeted. "Could we talk for a bit?"

Instantly, he saw Janus tense.

"I don't want to have another 'talk' about my problems, Virgil."

Virgil chewed his lip for a second, debating whether he should back out or not. A second later, though, he spoke again:

"Actually, we're going to talk about me."

This made the other man's expression shift toward confusion. Of course, it's not like Virgil really sought out Janus's company any more. Even now, most of their conversations centered solely around what happened or what they were supposed to do. Janus had been forced to confide in Virgil lately, and Virgil hadn't confided in Janus in years.

And, well, that's why he was there. Maybe, if things were a little more even, it would help something.

"…O… kay…?" the deceitful side accepted warily. "Sit, I guess?"

Virgil did, settling on the mattress beside Janus, making sure there was more than enough space between them. Once settled, he fiddled with his sleeve as Janus looked at him expectantly.

"So?" he prompted.

"So," Virgil repeated. "You died."

"I thought you said we weren't talking about me," Janus pointed out, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, just- let me talk," Virgil continued. "So has Remus."

Janus frowned slightly, and Virgil could see some worry in his eyes, most likely thinking that Remus might have gotten hurt again, maybe that he had even died and this was Virgil's strange way of trying to break the news gently. Not wanting him to think about something along those lines too long, Virgil kept talking.

"You're… You two aren't the only ones. Who've died, I mean."

Janus blinked, staring at him. He could see Janus's fingers twitch on top of the stuffed animal they rested upon.

"Are you going to explain that statement?"

Another breath.

"Yup. Just, again, let me talk."

The man rolled his eyes, even if his heart didn't seem to be in it.

"It was a long time ago," Virgil began to explain. "We were still teenagers."

Janus nodded.

"Remus had died in an accident. It was one of the worse ones," Virgil continued. "He was out of commission for a while, and you were pretty focused on that."

Janus worked his jaw for a moment before speaking:

"Is this about the time Remus accidentally exploded his lab?"

"Yeah," Virgil agreed. "It took him longer than usual to come back, and you were getting worried. And, well, I'm Anxiety, so I wasn't exactly better off."

He tried to chuckle, but it didn't come out right, the sound just making it obvious that he was forcing it.

"And I decided to take a walk in the Imagination. Clear my head."

Even as he spoke, Virgil began to notice a few more parallels between their situations. Granted, they had very different outcomes and different causes, but Janus and Virgil weren't always as different as they sometimes wanted to be.

"Virgil."

Janus's eyes had widened, and he had definitely put together at least part of the picture.

"I was clumsy, and I didn't notice a tree root, and I tripped," Virgil summarized. "And I just happened to land in the exact wrong way."

He let his eyes wander away from Janus's face.

"Still, it wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things," Virgil told him quickly. "I came back, like, the next day or something, and Remus wasn't even back yet, so…"

"Virgil, what in the actual fuck?!" Janus exclaimed, horrified. "Why the hell wouldn't you mention that you fucking died?!"

Well, Virgil had more-or-less expected this kind of reaction.

"I thought it wasn't a big deal," Virgil answered, cringing at the incredulous look that elicited. "I mean, not compared to what happened to Remus. Looking back, I know it was stupid, but at the time, I thought it was better to pretend it never happened. You were already worried about Remus, and I didn't want to add something else on top of it. And like, you couldn't even tell it happened, so I figured that nothing would change if I just kept it quiet."

"Since when is you dying not a big deal?!" Janus hissed.

"First of all, like I said, I know it was stupid now. But back then, I didn't," Virgil pointed out. "And second, aren't you being a little hypocritical?"

Janus grimaced at him.

"Again, I did not kill myself, and that's not going to change just because you all don't believe me," Janus growled. "And I didn't hide my death. Not like I could have, but still."

Virgil had to hold back a sigh. He was talking more about Janus's general attitude about his own well-being, not so much the literally hiding part, and he still didn't entirely believe Janus when he said it was an accident. Perhaps, he mused, that Janus hadn't gone to the cliff with the intention of jumping, but Virgil couldn't but feel like it was at least an attempt to put himself in danger, a more passive attempt. Even still, he chose not to argue that point, instead asking a question.

"If you had died immediately and just woken up, would you have told us?"

Janus opened his mouth, closed it, and shot him a glare.

"I probably wouldn't have told you," he admitted sharply. "But that's different. I wouldn't have told any of the Light Sides, either."

The accusation in his tone stung a little, if he was being honest. Even if, before, he would have been glad for Janus to group him in with the Lights (not that he was necessarily unhappy with it)- he just knew that, to Janus, there was an intentional insult there).

He watched Janus sigh.

"I feel like you've all somehow forgotten that we don't get along," Janus huffed. "Look, I get that Remus can't handle all of my bullshit on his own, but just because I'm fucked up doesn't mean that everything is suddenly just fine between everyone. It doesn't mean that everyone gets the right to my business. Seriously, why would I have told you? But when we were teenagers, we were still friends, Virgil. There's a difference."

"Yeah, I guess there is," Virgil agreed reluctantly. "I should have told you back then. But I can't change that now."

"So, why are you telling me now?"

"Because," Virgil replied. "I'm trying to be fair."

The confusion returned.

"Huh?"

"You've been forced to tell us a whole bunch of shit when you didn't want to," Virgil shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "So I'm telling you something. And, I don't know, I guess I understand a little bit? About dying, I mean."

Janus gave him a calculating look, as if he was trying to ascertain whether Virgil was lying about his intentions or not. Since he was telling the truth, Janus was apparently satisfied.

"I mean, that doesn't exactly change anything, but I appreciate the thought, I suppose," Janus accepted. "But, risking sounding like a hypocrite again, the actual 'being dead' part isn't really the worst part of this scenario. I mean, being gone so long and messing up Thomas is a bigger issue to me than the experience of being dead."

"Seriously?" Virgil questioned. "When I died, it was scary and confusing as shit."

Janus shook his head.

"It was certainly confusing," Janus agreed. "Wherever we go while we're dead, it's a very abstract space. But I wasn't afraid of it. I don't really know if I could have been afraid of it. I mean, it was just… I don't even know how to describe it. Every time I try to think of a detail, it just kinda…"

He shook a hand for a second, and even though it shouldn't have made sense, it did.

"I mean, that's kinda why it was scary, dude."

"Why should I be scared of it?" Janus asked. "Literally the entire point of me being there was to be repaired, right? So, wouldn't it make more sense for it to be comforting?"

"… Was it comforting?"

Janus had a point, but considering they were talking about being dead, he wasn't exactly happy to hear Janus describe the experience as 'comforting'. Especially considering recent circumstances.

"Shut up, Virgil."

"I'm just asking. We clearly had very different experiences."

"I don't know," Janus hissed. "I already told you it's hard to remember."

"Okay," Virgil said, putting his hands up in surrender. "Well, maybe it's better that way. Not like you need to have 'mind-numbing terror while you were dead' added to the list, right?"

At that, Janus frowned deeply.

"… If it was that bad, why didn't you say anything…?"

His voice was quiet as he repeated the earlier question, and it made Virgil feel a little bad.

"Again, teenager logic," Virgil huffed. "I'm over it now. Wouldn't like to repeat the experience, though."

Janus didn't reply, didn't even react, and he hoped it wasn't because the man disagreed with him and just didn't want to say it. The sat there quietly for a minute before Janus suddenly sat up a little straighter, turning his full attention on Virgil.

"You tricked me."

Virgil blinked.

"Um, how?"

"You said we were going to talk about you."

"Oh. Well…"

"A surprising tactic for you, but I suppose I can't complain about it," Janus sighed.

"To be fair, we did talk about me."

"Sure, sure," Janus accepted begrudgingly, clearly not agreeing but not wanting to fight about it.

"Sorry. I was just trying to make things a little easier."

"By telling me you died?" Janus laughed incredulously. "Whatever you may think of me, Virgil, I can assure you that I don't take joy in your death."

"That's great, but you know that's not what I meant," Virgil spoke firmly.

Janus frowned at him, eyebrow raised.

"Do the others know?"

Virgil shifted on the bed.

"… No."

"Why?"

He looked upward, blowing out a puff of air.

"Well, Patton would freak. Roman too, probably. And Logan, but he'd pretend he isn't."

"You didn't think I would 'freak'?"

"I thought you might be kinda upset about it, but I figured you'd understand that it happened a long time ago and doesn't have a very big impact anymore."

He didn't want to say that he thought the bad blood between them might also have made Janus less concerned over his well-being. He knew that probably wasn't entirely true or fair, and saying it would just hurt Janus and probably result in some combination of crying, yelling, or shutting down. And he didn't want to do that- he was trying to help, not harm.

"You know, I might have freaked out if I knew when it happened," Janus told him, huffing audibly. "I can be worried about two idiots at once. And just because someone else fucking dies doesn't mean you dying isn't just as bad. We don't exactly have to rank our deaths to decide who's most worthy of giving-a-shit."

"I know."

Virgil also didn't want to tell him that, secretly, part of him had wished that Janus would notice on his own. Even though he was purposefully hiding it from him to spare him the worry, that little piece of Virgil had hoped that Janus would find out anyway. It was a selfish part of him that wanted to have Janus's attention and comfort, even if he also felt like that attention was needed more elsewhere. He didn't want to admit that him not noticing had hurt, that it had formed one of the first cracks in their relationship- because that wasn't actually fair. He couldn't hide something and then get upset when it wasn't discovered. It was easier to blame the cracks on the times Janus had actually done something wrong, claim that their friendship started breaking because of him and what he did. It felt bad to accept that the first crack was technically his own doing, even though he already knew he wasn't entirely innocent in their fights.

"I'm sorry I'm not going about this in the right way," Virgil apologized. "And I'm sorry that a lot of what we're doing isn't really working. We're really just trying to help you, but we're not professionals, and we don't always know what we're doing. Even Emile is limited by Thomas's knowledge, so we're just… We're trying. I've tried convincing the others about certain things, but they don't want to listen because they're afraid. And I don't even know if I'm right, so for all I know, they shouldn't be listening to me."

Janus moved so he was sitting crossed-legged, leaning his head on one arm.

"You know, I never asked any of you to know exactly what to do," Janus responded. "I never asked you for help at all, technically, but I'm sure you'd all have some pretty big disagreements if I said I don't need it."

"Probably because you do."

Janus waved him off.

"Regardless, I have tried to tell you all things, and for the most part, you aren't listening- and I don't necessarily mean you, since you, surprisingly, actually have been listening to me sometimes, but," he took a deep breath in. "As much as I hate revealing things, there have been times where I've been rather explicit about what would help me, and no one actually wants to listen to that. Because now I'm crazy and can't possibly be trusted to decide anything for myself."

He squeezed the seal.

"And maybe some of my thoughts are skewed, but they're still my thoughts, and I'm still me," Janus continued. "Everyone's already discussed my 'need for control' or whatever, and yeah, I'm controlling. That's old news. But no one would be happy about the ways you've all tried to 'help' me."

He curled into himself a little further.

"It's not even about me being Deceit," he said. "It's about me being a person. Or, as much of a person as the rest of you, I guess."

"I know."

"Yeah, well, you're outnumbered, Virgil," Janus huffed. "I appreciate that you've tried to get me some more privacy, but you understand that need a lot more than the others do. You may be one of them now, but you can't change the fact that we've had very different lives compared to them. They think about things differently in some ways, and that's one of them. They're pushy when it comes to other people's problems. And they're going to keep being pushy, even when they say they're not, because that's how they are."

Virgil knew that already. Even Remus, who was still considered a Dark Side, had adopted some the pushiness that Janus was complaining about- after all, someone who tended to lack an understanding of boundaries, who was extremely and rightfully worried on top of that, was quite likely to end up being pushy. In the Dark Side, Remus had always been the one to snoop in other people's things and worm his way into whichever nooks and crannies he could. Janus was secretive and defensive and guarded himself against anything that tried to force its way in, only allowing the information he wanted to be known to escape. Virgil had been closer to a middle ground, keeping to himself and letting others do the same, but also not completely hiding away.

"And the fact is, if we were real, that wouldn't even be an issue. Because we wouldn't even be a part of each other's lives, so they wouldn't be forced to see any of this, and they wouldn't feel like they have to help," Janus kept going. "But we're sides, and we really only have each other. So no matter how much any of you hate me, you know I'm still around, and if Remus can't handle it alone, you know there's no one else that can do anything besides you all."

He was somewhat surprised that Janus was telling him all of this, considering he didn't even want to talk in the first place. But still, this seemed to have almost become a habit for the man since he'd returned. He didn't really want to talk, but once he did, he ended up spilling out all sorts of things. Virgil had brought it up to Logan at some point, and the logical side suggested that he probably just couldn't keep it all contained anymore. He may want to keep it all inside himself, but bottling things up for years and years on end had taken its toll, and now he couldn't help it half the time. Logan said it would be beneficial to just let him talk, so the emotions were no longer bottled up.

Still, part of him wondered if he should be a little bit guilty about this. Janus had told him he didn't want to talk about his problems, but he'd still ended up prompting exactly that. Was that another example of not listening to him? Or was it okay since Janus was responding rather readily, and even continued on without Virgil saying anything at a certain point?

It felt wrong to cut him off while he was talking just to ask if he actually wanted to keep talking, though, so Virgil just let him.

"So now I'm just stuck with having people who hate me forcing their way into things that are extremely personal. It's not pleasant, Virgil."

This wasn't the first time Janus had insisted that they all hated him, and he knew it wouldn't be the last, either. Virgil was less sure about how true the statement was, even though Janus clearly believed it to be true. It was hard to say how much any of them hated any other- pretty much all the relationships in the Mindscape were complicated. Roman and Logan, for example, didn't always get along, but they didn't ever hate each other. He doubted Patton had it in him to outright hate Janus, though he definitely had a lot of misgivings. Logan also wasn't the type to hate, though he was the type to get annoyed. Roman… Well, he had hated Janus at certain points, just like he'd once hated Virgil, but there was no way that Roman still hated him now. Being hurt wasn't the same as hate.

And Virgil himself, again, was complicated. He and Janus had been close for many years, and then they started fighting, and Virgil could (in his head, at least) confidently say that he had hated Janus during (and after) some of those arguments. Even when he left, despite thinking that leaving would also be beneficial in some way to Janus, a (big) part of him hated the man then too. Sometimes, he cared about and hated Janus at the same time, and it was a confusing mess of emotions he didn't like to confront.

But right now, his feelings weren't hate. There was still lingering pain between them, but the hate had been gone for a while now.

"… I don't hate you," Virgil spoke softly, leaving the others out of it for now.

"Oh, sure you don't," Janus snorted. "I'm Deceit, remember?"

"Yeah, so you should know I'm not lying."

Janus turned away, glaring at a wall.

"Fuck off."

"Do you hate me?" Virgil asked, genuinely curious.

The glare redirected itself back to him.

"I'm not the one who shouted about how much I despise you and ran off to play house with the people who spent years rejecting us!" Janus shouted, bitter.

And to be fair, Virgil had kind of done that. Sure, Janus was ignoring the literal months it took for Virgil to become friends with the others (because it's not like it was sudden), and he was ignoring that the other factor was feeling driven away, but he was right about the yelling part. At some point in that final argument, Virgil had had enough and started yelling about pretty much every little thing he didn't like about the man, and the phrase 'I hate you' had probably been spoken at least ten separate times.

"You were the one who told me not to come back," he pointed out, breathing in an attempt to keep himself calm until he could steer the conversation back into safer waters.

"Like you would have come back anyway."

"You don't know what I would have done. Besides, even if I was still pissed at you, maybe I would have come back to talk to Remus."

Janus practically flinched at that, and Virgil mentally berated himself for adding the last part. He was trying not to make Janus any more upset, so why was he still bringing out his claws?

"… If that was true, you'd have come back anyway…"

He forced himself to breathe again. In and out, until he felt like he could answer without messing up again.

"Okay, yeah, I probably wasn't going to come back anyway," Virgil admitted, his feelings conflicted. "But that doesn't mean I still hate you, even if I did while we were arguing."

Janus was still tense, but he didn't seem to be any worse.

"I still think leaving was the right choice," Virgil continued, hoping Janus would let him finish. "I mostly did it for myself, but I still think it was better in the long-run. Even with as much as it hurt you and Remus, I think that staying and continuing to fight all the time would have hurt worse."

Janus definitely looked like he was going to cry, but now that Virgil hard started, he had to try to get the rest of it out.

"We weren't going to just magically get along again, Jay," Virgil tried to speak gently. "Each fight was worse than the last, and we didn't have any other solution, and I still don't know how else we could have resolved it. So I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm not sorry I did it."

Janus wasn't looking at him again, and he was pretty sure he was trying to hide his human eye, because he had almost certainly started crying. And, despite knowing that Janus might lash out at him, Virgil shifted closer on the bed and leaned in just close enough to brush against his shoulder with his own.

"Jay. If there was another solution, don't you think we would have done it before getting to that point?"

He didn't get an answer.

"I think we would have just hated each other forever if I had stayed. Isn't it better this way, where we aren't at each others' throats, at least?"

"Except you still hate me. You've just put it aside for now."

Virgil shook his head.

"Nope. I don't hate you. Just because I was reminded of a few things recently doesn't mean I'm just pretending so you get better," he denied.

"Liar."

The ironic accusation was weak, but that didn't mean Janus believed him.

"Frankly, if I hated you as much as you probably think I do, I wouldn't be trying to help you," Virgil pointed out. "So it's a good thing I don't, right?"

"Shut up."

"Nope."

Janus's lips were wobbling, and he was clearly trying to hold himself back from sobbing. It wasn't like Virgil wanted him to cry, but once they had entered this territory, it seemed like it was better to try to clear the air between them. He wouldn't have chosen to start this particular conversation right then, but once Janus started talking about how much everyone hated him, he couldn't just let him continue to believe that. The idea that they all hated him was a major contributor to his problems, and literally everyone else already knew that Virgil didn't hate the deceptive side anymore. So shouldn't the man himself know as well?

"Can we just- can we just sit here and not talk for a bit?"

It looked like he was forcing himself to say the words instead of snapping again, and Virgil wasn't going to be an ass and deny him.

"Okay."

And with that, Virgil went silent and just stayed where he was, feeling Janus's slight tremors from their point of contact. Janus also stayed quiet, despite his tears and the fact that he looked like he was biting his own tongue to do so. He really hoped he hadn't gone too far, but Janus was never going to believe him if he just said what the man wanted to hear. Janus wasn't an idiot- if Virgil went on about how he had never hated him and how he would have come back, Janus would know it was a lie. And what would that do? It would just make Janus try to figure out what the actual truth was with missing information, and whatever he came up with was likely to be twisted into something worse than reality, just like it already had been.

So, they just sat there for a while, and it was actually sooner than he expected when Janus spoke up again.

"I didn't want you to leave," he whispered.

"I know," Virgil replied, matching the volume and tone. "You're Deceit, remember? I know you lie."

There was another pause, but much briefer.

"… I'm sorry."

Those two words were even quieter, and if Virgil hadn't been sitting next to him, he wouldn't have been able to hear them. Even still, Virgil had waited years to hear them, and now that he had, his chest felt a little lighter, a hopeful feeling rising within it.

"I'm sorry too," Virgil returned. "You know, I don't even remember what half of our arguments were about anymore. I don't even remember who did what or why aside from the really bad ones."

"… I remember."

And Virgil remembered more than he was letting on too, but he'd thought Janus would catch on and play along with him for now. Apparently not, but that was fine. They still had a long way to go before everything was okay, but this was the first time in a while that it felt like they really could be friends again.

"Well, maybe you should forget a little."

XXX