XXX Chapter 31: The Pacing

Well, we're in the final quarter of this fic…

I meant to post this a lot earlier today, but I ended up busy, so here it is now :3

XXX

Deceit had felt a twinge in his chest as soon as he woke up that morning, a flood of adrenaline spreading through his veins the moment he realized he was awake. He didn't know why, and it wasn't the first time something like this had happened, but that didn't make him feel any better. Instead, the icy frost that overcame him was only a warning about what kind of day he was going to have.

The feeling itself was unpleasant, and every time it cropped up, it would end up increasing ten-fold as Deceit got stuck on it, fearing that the feeling wouldn't go away, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to distract himself away from it. He knew that thinking about how much he didn't want to feel it was what made it worse, the anxiety of anticipation feeding the original until he couldn't handle it, but he couldn't just not think about it- the ice had slapped him in the face and demanded his attention. Distractions would only work for a matter of seconds, and each minute dragged on into an eternity that made him dread the rest of the day. How could he survive an entire day of this, especially when he knew sleep wouldn't come easy tonight, either?

He looked at the clock and found that it wasn't even 6 am. Chances were that no one else was awake quite yet, and for once, the thought of being alone for even another minute was terrifying. It didn't matter that he'd been trying to be alone for weeks, that he hated having so much of the others' attention focused on him. Because, right now, it was different. Right now, being alone was the last thing he wanted. He couldn't do it. He couldn't stay in his room either, with the walls closing in around him and making him feel like something would happen, even if he couldn't think of what that something was- but he still knew it would happen, whatever it would be, and he couldn't stay in his room.

Deceit didn't even get dressed before approaching the door, but before he could open it, a fresh wave of anxiety washed over him. He couldn't stay here, but he didn't want to leave, either. His room was usually safe, usually comforting, and he didn't like being forced to come out. But now his room wasn't safe, either, and he was stuck between staying in the frying pan or leaping into what very well could be a fire.

His breath hitched, and another minute stretched on, and his hand reached out before he could make a decision, trembling as he turned the doorknob.

He needed help. He didn't know what kind of help he needed, or how or where to get it, but he needed something, or he was going to go insane.

The door flew open and Deceit almost stumbled into the hallway. He lurched over to the door to his right since it was the closest, not caring that it was Patton's. He didn't care who he went to as long as it was someone.

He knocked quickly, but there wasn't a lot of force behind it- it would have been audible if someone was awake, but he doubted Patton was.

Sure enough, he waited for about a minute and there was no response.

And he knew he should just knock again, louder, but he couldn't bring himself to. Even though he was sure Patton was just asleep, it felt like he'd been rejected somehow, not only by him but by everyone because everyone else was asleep too. And if he was in any other state of mind, he would know that feeling like this is ridiculous, that he'd barely even tried, but with his mind as frantic as it now was, his perseverance was severely limited.

And so, he turned around and fled down the corridor, because he had to move, had to go somewhere. He couldn't stay here, couldn't stand still. Maybe if he walked, he'd figure out what he needed, figure out how to make the feelings stop.

And maybe, if he was really lucky, someone did happen to be awake.

XXX

Patton hadn't been sleeping very soundly that night. There were a lot of emotions around the Mindscape, and being Thomas's center of emotions, there was an effect on him. Granted, not as much of an effect as there was on the ones actually experiencing those emotions, but it was there nonetheless.

He'd woken up a few times already, but this time, he had a distinct sense of foreboding- and while he normally wouldn't know the cause, he had a pretty reasonable guess as to who, at least, was distressed. So, knowing he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep anyway (not that he thought he should- it would be wrong to just ignore it when he knew someone was upset), he slid out of bed. With a quick snap, he changed out of his pajamas and left the room.

As soon as he turned his head to the left, he could see that Deceit's door had been left open, and even though he was pretty sure that meant the man wasn't currently inside, he still checked anyway. Just as he'd expected, though, the room was empty. The sheets and blankets were all tangled up and half-falling off the bed- clearly, Deceit's night hadn't been any more restful than his own.

Upon re-entering the hallway, he quickly glanced toward the bathroom, and to his relief, he found that door open as well and the room within dark. He figured it would be best to check the kitchen/living room next, even if it was possible Deceit was with one of the others. After all, if he was with someone, then it was far less of an urgent need for him to find him. And if he wasn't, he'd most likely be in one of those two rooms, considering he couldn't enter the Imagination or the Dark Side at the moment.

"Deceit?" Patton called out as he looked into the kitchen.

He didn't get a response, and he didn't see anyone either, but he was pretty sure he heard something- a slight shuffle, and a harsh breath.

The moral side turned his attention to the living room, and even though it was dark, he could see a shape moving around, going back and forth in a prescribed line across the floor.

"Deceit?"

The shape stopped moving, the action punctuated by a strangled noise. Patton reached out to turn on the light, forgetting to warn the man in his haste to find out what was going on. The figure flinched, but seemed to adjust to the change in lighting quickly enough.

Now that he could see more clearly, Patton realized that, first of all, Janus was still in his pajamas- a pair of sweatpants and a short-sleeved shirt that showed a relatively fresh bandage, though it only covered a small part of his arm and didn't seem to be concealing any still-bleeding wounds. Knowing that the wounds were probably at least a day or two old, Patton tried to keep himself from addressing it at that exact moment, since the new cuts didn't seem to be the immediate problem. Deceit's hat was missing from his head, fitting in with the image that he'd been in bed until not very long ago, as did the ruffled hair. That allowed him to get an unobscured view of the man's face. He wasn't crying, which was hopefully a good thing, but his eyes were wide, and his mouth was open so he could take in large gulps of air. Despite the lack of tears, however, there were thick shadows around his eyes, just like when they'd talked with Thomas. If he couldn't see the scales adorning half of his face, he might have actually mistaken him for Virgil.

He looked scared- terrified, really, and the image almost broke Patton's heart.

"Hey, Kiddo, it's okay," Patton automatically brought out his 'dad voice'. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Deceit shook his head.

"Okay, can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know," he breathed out, his head still pivoting back and forth.

The man moved his arms so that he was more-or-less hugging himself, and it was only then that Patton realized he wasn't wearing his ever-present gloves, either- which allowed his nails to start digging deeply into his flesh.

"Woah, hey, don't do that," Patton said quickly, reaching toward him.

But Deceit just stepped back, and Patton wasn't sure if his continued head shaking was a 'no' or if he just wasn't stopping.

Patton wasn't sure what to do here. He had no illusions about Deceit's opinion of him, and he knew he probably wasn't the man's first choice for a source of comfort. Deceit didn't appear to want him to touch him, and he didn't know if he could talk him down either. He didn't even know what was going on, aside from Deceit being very upset and either not knowing why or not wanting to tell him. He didn't know how to help under these circumstances- this was very different from when the man dissociated, or even from when he had panic attacks (was this a panic attack?).

While he debated what to do, Deceit started pacing again. He walked quickly, and Patton wondered whether that might be working him up more.

"Deceit, do you want to sit down?"

"Can't."

"Okay," Patton nodded. "Do you want me to get Remus?"

He hesitated for a second before nodding, but as soon as Patton turned to get him, Deceit froze and shouted.

"Don't leave!"

Patton stopped and turned back around, only to find that Deceit looked even more scared.

"Please."

"Okay, it's okay, I won't go anywhere," Patton promised. "I'll… I'll text him, okay?"

Deceit nodded again, but instead of returning to pacing, he started swaying in a way that looked more like an attempt to self-soothe than because he was going to collapse or something (the former of which was certainly preferable). Quickly, he summoned up his phone and started to type out a message:

Remus:

Deceit is panickinf, wants me 2 get u but doesnt want me 2 leave. In

livng room.

"Okay, I texted him," Patton told the other side. "Why don't you try to take some deep breaths?"

Deceit clearly tried, taking in large, exaggerated gulps of air that didn't seem to help.

Patton just hoped that Remus was awake. Remus was Deceit's friend, after all, so it would probably help to have him here. Actually… Deceit was getting along with Virgil, too, recently. Perhaps he should text him too? But thinking of Virgil, hadn't they been able to calm Deceit down by playing music? Patton didn't have the same songs on his phone, but he listened to a lot of soothing music, so maybe that would help.

So, Patton quickly sent a message to Virgil, too, telling him what was happening and pulled up his music app. He clicked on his 'bedtime' playlist and let the soft notes trail their way out of the phone's speaker.

XXX

Virgil awoke from a half-doze to the sound of a ping from his phone. Grumbling, he rolled over in his blankets and blindly reached around for it, feeling the smooth screen beneath his fingers after a few tries. He grabbed it and clicked it on, blinking at the bright screen. It took a minute for him to get used to the brightness, but once he did, he saw that he'd gotten a text message from Patton. Frowning, he sat up and swiped it open. Patton didn't usually text him this early- hell, he usually wasn't even up so early in the first place.

"Shit," Virgil hissed as he read the screen.

Patton:

Hey Virgil, Deceit panicing n lving room. Texted Rmus but Deceit does nt want

2 b left alone,

He stumbled out of bed and pulled his hoodie on. As he walked down the hall, he saw that Remus's door was shut, which didn't really tell him whether Remus was still there or not, since Remus's door was always kept shut as a general rule. Just in case Remus wasn't awake or wasn't checking his phone, he knocked loudly against the door.

The door opened shortly after, Remus looking at him with a mildly worried expression.

"What's going on, emo?" he asked, rubbing one eye.

He had probably been asleep, seeing as he was only wearing boxers. Remus didn't always sleep at regular hours, but he'd been on a bit more of a normal schedule since Janus came back.

"Patton sent a text-"

Remus took out his phone and looked down at the screen, which stayed black.

"Fuck, my phone's dead," Remus cursed. "What happened?"

Virgil shrugged slightly, shifting in discomfort.

"He just said Janus is panicking in the living room."

Remus nodded and snapped a shirt on, charging past him before Virgil could even blink. Virgil followed behind a little slower, unsure about whether he was supposed to go too or if Patton just texted him when Remus didn't show up.

Once he made his way to the living room, he saw Remus already trying to comfort Janus, Patton standing awkwardly to the side, soft music playing from the phone gripped in his hands. Janus was crying and breathing heavily, his eyes ringed in black worse than his own. Remus was muttering quietly to him, and Janus started gripping onto the creative side's sleeves. As Remus pulled him into a hug, Virgil went over to Patton and grabbed his arm, leading him out of the room.

Patton turned the music off as they entered the kitchen.

"What happened?" Virgil asked.

Patton shook his head.

"I don't know," Patton replied solemnly. "I woke up a while ago and something just felt… wrong. So I looked around and found Deceit… pacing, in the living room."

"Did he say anything?" Virgil asked.

Patton sighed.

"I asked him what was wrong, and he said he doesn't know," Patton shook his head. "I don't know- it kinda seems like he's having a panic attack? It just looks different than the others, so…"

Virgil frowned. Janus definitely seemed panicked, but it was strange for there to not be something that triggered it. Not that Virgil was any stranger to panicking for no reason, but usually, Janus panicked when he was getting pressured by one of them or because something happened. Or at least, that's what happened when they knew about the panic attacks. Hopefully, Janus wasn't having even more of them, considering that they witnessed quite a few of them already. Right now, though, it was barely morning, and Janus was crying.

Had something happened? Did he have a nightmare? Or maybe he got stuck thinking and started spiraling?

"I can't do this anymore, Remus! It just won't stop!"

He didn't want to hear this, and he doubted Janus wanted them to hear it, either. Should they leave, though? Remus was providing immediate comfort, but should they stay just in case they were needed?

Patton took a deep breath in.

"Okay. Let's…," he said. "I'm going to make breakfast. It's pretty much time to wake up anyway, and everyone has to eat… I don't know, maybe eating something will help a little…"

He knew Patton was trying to do literally anything he could do to help right now, and in the absence of anything else, he could at least cook breakfast.

Virgil sighed.

"I'll help."

XXX

So, not my favorite chapter, really, but it's kinda the beginning of the last part of the story (I kinda separate this story into 'arcs' in my head)?

Hope it's not as bad as I think it is? Thanks for reading.

XXX