XXX Chapter 33: The Stroll

He peeled his eyes open with more effort than the action should have taken, but such effort had become familiar to him. Some days, it felt like everything he did took more from him than he had. Opening his eyes was difficult. Rolling over took up most of his energy. Sitting up was practically impossible, and getting out of bed was a laughable concept at best. On days like this, he felt almost entirely empty, except it was the kind of empty where something had burrowed into his shell, almost like it was trying to fill him up, but it didn't (couldn't). Worms of anxiety and hopelessness chewed through his skin, tunneled into his bones, ate every piece of him from the inside out, leaving nothing but a discarded shell behind. So maybe his shell wasn't entirely empty, but it was empty of him, and he only became more and more weightless the longer he was eaten away.

On days like this, he wasn't sure he was even himself anymore.

Maybe the worms had eaten him all up, and whatever he was now was just the parasites' attempts to drive him around and bend him to their will. He did, after all, remember that he wasn't always this person. There had been a time when he didn't even have to think about getting out of bed. He would wake up full of energy and roll out from beneath the covers prepared for the day and whatever he had to do. Sure, some tasks were unpleasant, but he used to be prepared to face them.

He used to be able to do so much more, be so much more. And what was he now? A lazy, worthless skin that couldn't handle anything other than sleeping and breathing (and not even doing those well sometimes).

He also knew that worms sometimes left him, allowing his flesh and organs to grow back enough that he could get up and put on a minimal act of functioning normally. That gave him just enough hope to keep him going. But even though they would leave sometimes, he knew they'd always come back, and always before he'd managed to re-grow fully. So they would just bite away at half-healed arteries and muscles, burrowing deeper each time.

He wanted to go back to sleep. He was pretty sure he'd been awake for less than an hour, and all he'd done was lay in the same position he'd woken up in, but he was exhausted. And that just made him feel even more useless, but then again, if he wasn't going to do anything other than lay in bed, he might as well sleep, right?

He just wanted to sleep.

XXX

The two of them began to make their way toward the door to the Imagination. Since they were on the Light Side of the Mindscape, that would mean that they'd end up in Roman's half of the Imagination, and Janus assumed that's where they'd stay the entire time (after all, Roman rarely entered Remus's half unless they were having a fight, or there was something extremely important they had to discuss. Or, that's how it was. He didn't quite know if that was still the case. Either way, he knew no one was going to let him anywhere near the dangers in the darker half any time soon). Not like Janus had any complaints about that, though- he himself tended to sneak into Roman's side most of the time, considering the general unpleasantness of Remus's side, along with the constant threat of danger.

That didn't mean he wasn't a bit apprehensive, though. He was sure it was no secret that he was glad to have Roman with him, rather than being alone, even though he knew the other side was staying with him more to make sure he wouldn't do anything than because of Janus's anxiety (though, Roman had been staying with him like the others were these past few weeks, so perhaps he should give the man more credit).

Beyond not wanting to be alone, though, this would also be the first time he'd be returning to the Imagination since he fell. And while he himself knew that he hadn't intended to kill himself, it was still a source of some anxiety. After all, what if, however unlikely it was, he somehow managed to fall again? Or perhaps something else might happen, like a dragon attack or some different form of accident. As terrible as he felt, and as close as he was to the end of the rope, Janus didn't want to put everyone through him dying again. If he died again so soon, it would be a serious blow to Thomas's mind, and although his self-esteem tried to tell him differently, he knew at least Remus (if not the others) would be devastated. It wouldn't be fair to do that, especially not now.

Maybe part of his apprehension was because his mind kept getting stuck on thoughts of the cliff. He didn't want to do anything to himself, and he knew Roman wouldn't even let him if he tried, but that didn't particularly alter the course of his thoughts. Because he really was getting tired of everything, especially this latest development in the bullshit his life had become. And as much as he knew it would be an absolutely awful, terrible thing to do, he desperately wanted some kind of relief from it all. He wanted to just feel calm and content for once, which he hadn't felt in so long. Even when there was a void of negativity, positivity wouldn't replace it. It was just an unpleasant nothing, and in comparison, the nothing nothing of being dead seemed like a much better option. And considering the fact that he was actively trying very hard to not give in to those thoughts, being given easier access to carrying them out was, perhaps, not the best idea.

But again, Roman wouldn't let him do anything, and it's not like he was going to fight the Princely side over it, not when he himself didn't entirely want to do it, either. Right now, Roman was his buffer, just as the others had been his buffer against the anxiety for the past few weeks.

And really, it was probably a good idea for him to get out. He had essentially been locked in the 'house' for months now, with really the only time he'd left being when he talked to Thomas. And while the sides tended to spend more time within their home than they would if they were real people, the others definitely tended to get out more. Whether it was because they went to the Imagination, discussed things with Thomas, or popped up while the man was out somewhere, the Light Sides had always been the ones to leave the Mind Palace more often. Even Janus, as much as he was used to hiding away, used to go to the Imagination rather frequently. Before Thomas knew about him, popping up in the real world hadn't really been an option, aside from the very rare instances he replaced one of the others before he'd been found out. So, really, his options were limited. And maybe they weren't quite so limited anymore, but they were limited all the same, and he hadn't exactly been eager to have another talk with Thomas.

So, despite his reservations, he'd agreed to go on a walk, and hopefully, it would be uneventful (he wasn't sure how much he should hope it would help).

XXX

As they entered the Imagination, Roman made sure that the weather would be nice and nothing in particular was going on. After all, they didn't need to add inclement weather or beleaguered villagers to their list of problems at the moment. Roman just wanted to take Deceit on a walk without anything going wrong. And so, he directed the Imagination to have a bright, sunny sky with only a handful of puffy, white clouds, and he decided to have the door open up in a patch of flowers far away from anything else (including that cliff).

Deceit didn't react much as they stepped out of the doorway, merely taking a quick glance at the surroundings. It wasn't like Roman expected him to give any particular reaction, though. He'd probably been in fields like this one before, during at least one of the times he'd snuck over here.

The flowers and wild grasses spread out around them in all directions, with a tree line visible some distance away. There wasn't particularly anywhere they were going, or anywhere to really go at all in this area, but walking through the flowers themselves wasn't exactly ideal. And so, he snapped his fingers and created a trail snaking off in a random direction.

Deceit actually didn't seem to notice, as he was staring off in the exact opposite direction.

"Deceit?" Roman called out.

The man flinched but turned toward him, so it seemed that he hadn't gotten too deep into whatever thoughts had been going through his head.

"Hm?"

"Do you want to start walking?" he asked, gesturing toward the path.

This did seem to get a reaction, though, as Deceit's eyes widened in what looked like confusion for a second before his pupils darted toward Roman and settled down again.

"Creativity, right," Deceit mumbled, his voice just barely audible.

And without further ado, the two of them began to stroll along.

XXX

Janus and Roman stepped into the middle of a field of flowers as soon as they entered the Imagination, and for a moment, Janus was back at the edge of the cliff, looking out into that field of flowers. But it was only for a second, and a blink brought him out of it, allowing him to look around. The field was absolutely filled to the brim with a rainbow of petals, and the scent they released into the surrounding air smelled like the sweetest perfume. The sun was bright overhead, the minimal clouds blocking nothing, and its gentle warmth laid like a soft blanket across the land. There was the slightest bit of breeze, and it rustled through the plants so they danced like fairies at a banquet.

It should have been beautiful- it was always beautiful- but Janus just didn't feel anything about it. The flowers, the sun, the breeze, anything. It was all the same, no different than staring at a blank wall.

Even still, he looked out in a random direction, trying to will himself to feel something, anything that wasn't negative, but he couldn't. He just felt empty and anxious, and he wasn't sure that going on this walk would change that.

"Deceit?"

"Hm?"

Being brought out of his head, Janus turned toward Roman, and shockingly, a path had appeared out of nowhere. Had that always been there? He was pretty sure it hadn't been a moment ago.

"Do you want to start walking?"

He was a little confused for a second, but perhaps he shouldn't have been. Of course, he was in the Imagination, with Creativity no less. Changing topography shouldn't be all that shocking.

He muttered as much to himself, not really intending for Roman to hear and not sure whether he did.

And then the two of them started walking.

For the first few minutes, Janus was fine (or as fine as he generally was now). But very quickly, the silence between him and Roman started to grow heavier. The sunlight was too bright, too intense, and the rustling breeze sounded aggressive. A shadow cast by one of the clouds rolled over him for a moment, and that was all he could take.

"Can you talk?" Janus requested, the words coming out fast.

"Huh?" Roman said, turning his attention toward him. "I mean, I guess so? I didn't think you wanted to."

Janus rubbed his arm, looking away.

"… It's too quiet," he admitted, begrudgingly. "And I just…"

He didn't want to explain it, but he figured Roman would understand what he meant. After all, Janus had just spent the past two weeks watching TV to fill the silence.

"Well, what do you want to talk about…?"

"I don't care… Just… It can't be quiet."

He watched Roman think for a minute before he spoke again.

"Uh, so, do you like Ducktales?" Roman tried.

Janus shrugged, despite knowing he should probably respond verbally, considering he was forcing Roman to talk to him.

"I don't know," he forced himself to say. "I'm just… watching it."

"Okay… Um…"

Roman had to search for another topic, as it seemed like that topic was gonna die out pretty quickly.

"… I've been working on a new idea for Thomas…"

XXX

Roman chattered on about random things for a while, getting the message that Deceit mostly just wanted him to talk but didn't actually want to say much himself. And sure enough, Deceit spent most of the time just walking quietly and nodding every so often. And that wasn't bad or anything, but Roman was kind of running out of things to talk about- not that he couldn't talk endlessly under normal circumstances if he wanted to, but with things the way they were, it was hard to keep it up.

Really, things had been awkward with Deceit ever since he came back, and it's not like he didn't know why, but that didn't make it any less awkward. They'd hardly spent any time alone with each other (if any) until now. And it certainly didn't help that Roman still hadn't gotten over the trial- both what had been done to him and the guilt over his decision.

Everything hanging over them made it hard for Roman to just have normal conversations with him, but he was pretty sure bringing it up was a bad idea. After all, Deceit wasn't really in a very good state (the understatement of the century), and he didn't know if it was really an appropriate time for it (or if it would make things worse). It was, essentially, not the time to make this about himself, but Roman was having difficulty with temporarily moving on. And the longer they walked, the more Roman remembered the private conversations they used to have.

They were such bittersweet memories, with the pleasant camaraderie mixing in with the knowledge that Deceit had taken advantage of him, had manipulated him. And top of that, there was guilt and uncertainty- had Deceit been right to manipulate him, in the end? After all, he wasn't so sure that he'd made the right call in forcing Thomas to go to the wedding. Literally every one of them, especially Thomas himself, had been hit hard by that decision. In hindsight, it seemed like he'd been wrong, but at the same time, how was he supposed to know that? Everything he knew about right and wrong told him that Thomas should go to the wedding, and in proving that Thomas wanted to go to the callback, didn't they prove that Thomas should be forced to do the opposite? If his desires went against morals, didn't they have to make the conscious decision to do what was right?

But what was right? Everything seemed so shaky now, especially now that they knew what followed. He'd been so convinced that, whatever Deceit's opinion on the matter was, that had to be wrong. After all, Morality himself told him as much, and he had been so convinced that Deceit was the villain (and really, maybe that was also to blame for the ending of their strange sort-of-friendship. Deceit had manipulated him, and Roman had still seen him as a villain. Neither of them, it seemed, had been a very good friend to the other).

It was when Deceit decided he needed to sit for a minute that Roman's resolve to keep his inner thoughts silent started to waver.

They had, in fact, been walking for quite a while (longer than the walk was really supposed to last, but Roman hadn't had the heart to decide they needed to go back yet, not when Deceit seemed to be at least a little more relaxed). And so, Roman quickly created a bench for the two of them to sit on, making sure it was long enough that they could sit next to each other without being crowded too close.

He fell silent, and he could tell that Deceit was starting to get uncomfortable again, but the dam holding back his heavy thoughts was cracking, and any word would be enough to shatter what remained.

But if that was the case, maybe he had little choice other than ripping off the bandaid.

"Deceit…," Roman spoke after a few minutes, his voice soft and uncertain.

Deceit turned his attention away from the flowers, focusing on him with apprehension, as though he knew which can of worms the princely side was about to open.

And sure enough, Roman pulled open the lid:

"… If I had told Thomas to go to the callback…," he spoke, pushing himself to finish the sentence now that he started. "Would any of this have happened?"

XXX