XXX Chapter 35: The Name

When they returned from the Imagination, they found Remus awake, and he didn't seem to be particularly happy about being left behind during their walk. He had, however, been convinced to just wait for them to come back by Virgil, seeing as Remus had actually been asleep up until about ten minutes before they returned.

After that, Janus returned to his spot on the couch, still not quite willing to be left alone yet. Roman, meanwhile, decided he did want to be alone for a few minutes, just to give himself some time to let everything soak in. Things still weren't great, but he felt better than he had in a long time. He and Janus had more-or-less made up, and he'd even told Roman his name. He was still worried about the other side, as it's not like their conversation really fixed all that much on Janus's end, but any progress was good, right? And he was still hesitant to believe it, but maybe Janus falling off the cliff really hadn't been as intentional as he'd thought. It was still bad that he had endangered himself, and the results had been devastating, but it was at least a little better. At least there wasn't as much of a danger that he'd actively decide to kill himself again, he thought. That meant they'd need to keep more of an eye on accidents and perhaps worry a little less about other things. He let himself hope as much, at least.

Roman laid on his bed for a while, staring up at the ceiling as he thought. Overall, today had been positive, right? He certainly hoped that Janus felt that way.

After what was probably about half an hour, a knock came at his door.

"Hey, Princey?"

"It's not locked, Virge!" Roman called back, not wanting to get up to open the door.

Virgil, as expected, got the message and twisted the doorknob, pulling open the door. He stepped into the room and closed it behind him, not saying anything until he sat down on the bed beside Roman.

"So. You and Deceit were gone a while," he said. "Everything okay?"

Roman let out a breath.

"Yeah," he replied. "We actually ended up talking about a lot of things and sorting some stuff out. I mean, at first I didn't want to get into anything too serious because I didn't want to upset him, but it kinda just happened, ya know? And I think it was for the best?"

"Hm," Virgil hummed. "Well, he didn't seem any more upset than he has been lately? So."

Virgil shrugged.

"He apologized," Roman told him. "I did too. He said I didn't have to, but I still felt like I did. But we explained some things to each other, and I guess we understand each other a little better now?"

"Well, that's good."

Roman nodded, going quiet for a moment before speaking again.

"He told me his name."

At this, Virgil's eyes widened, shocked.

"He what?"

"Janus," Roman said, as if he was proving it was true. "He did tell me not to tell Pat or Specs, though."

Virgil still seemed to be surprised, but he settled his expression a bit.

"Wow."

"Yeah. We were sitting there quietly for a while, and he just kinda told me."

"Huh. Well, that's a pretty good sign, ya know? It took years for me to figure out what Jan's name was, and we lived together."

Jan.

Jan.

Oh.

"Oh shit, I just realized I already knew part of his name," Roman gasped.

Virgil raised an eyebrow, tilting his head.

"You did?"

"Yeah… Uh…," Roman stumbled, the memory of why he knew threatening to send his thoughts down a darker path. "When Rem and I found him… He started screaming, and I heard him call Deceit 'Jan'… It wasn't all that important at the time, considering, and I kinda forgot about it?"

"Ah," Virgil accepted.

"… You don't think he'll be mad that I already knew part of it, do you…?"

"I don't think so? I mean, you didn't really do anything, and he's not gonna be mad at Remus for saying part of his name while he was freaking out over him literally dying," Virgil denied. "I mean, you could tell him, but he already told you his full name, so like, it's not like it's a big deal, I don't think?"

"I guess it's not? I didn't even remember it until now. It just feels weird, though. Like, I was one syllable away."

"… His name's only two syllables."

"I know that!"

XXX

That night was the first time in over two weeks that Janus actually returned to his own bedroom, though he did bring Remus with him. He was still incredibly anxious, but with Remus being there, he wasn't alone, and he wanted to talk to his friend for a bit without needing to worry about anyone else hearing them (even though he knew the recent lack of privacy was his own fault, seeing as he'd practically forced everyone to invade his privacy after spending months yelling at them for doing so).

Neither of them were actually going to go to sleep yet, Remus because he'd slept a significant portion of the day and Janus because he just didn't want to at the moment. Instead, they were sitting on Janus's bed watching YouTube on Remus's phone.

After one of the videos ended, Remus was actually the one who started the conversation.

"How'd your walk with Ro-bro go?" he asked. "Whatever you answer, though, I'm still sneaking gummy worms into his socks for leaving me behind."

"It was… fine, I guess?" Janus told him. "For most of it, we just walked through a field, and I listened to Roman chatter about things because I couldn't stand it being quiet. It seems that the recent trend of having heart-to-hearts with me is continuing, though."

"What'd you talk about?"

"Mostly what happened with the wedding. And we discussed that sort-of friendship we had for a while there," Janus informed him. "Apparently, your brother thinks it's his fault I died, because he was somehow supposed to know I was mentally unwell and would happen to fall off a cliff."

Remus let out a slight hiss between his teeth.

"And I know you blame yourself for not knowing what was wrong with me, either," Janus sighed. "Why do you all seem to feel guilty about me dying? It was an accident, but if anything, it was my fault for getting too close to the edge."

"DeeDee, it's not your fault, either, and you know it's not just about the cliff," Remus pointed out. "We've all messed up with you, and you wouldn't have ended up out there if you were okay."

Janus rubbed one of his temples.

"I don't want everyone to feel guilty. It's not like I'm not still angry about a few things, or they didn't hurt, but that doesn't mean I want everyone to feel like they're responsible for my mental state," spoke Janus. "It just makes me feel like crap for having thoughts."

"Dee."

"I can't help it, Remus," Janus told him, a pointed warning underlying his voice, telling Remus not to push too hard.

"I know," Remus breathed. "I'm just worried about you, especially with what's been happening the past few weeks."

Janus crossed his arms.

"It's not like I can do anything," Janus huffed. "I can't stand being alone, so you could all see if I tried, and it's not like I would try anything in front of any of you."

"Would you, if we left you alone?" Remus asked, voice serious. "Like, is that why you don't want to be alone?"

Janus's face pinched.

"I don't know," he responded quietly. "It's like I said, there's not really any specific reason for what I'm feeling right now. Or at least, not one that I can really identify in a way where I could actually explain it properly."

He looked away.

"But I don't even want to act on those thoughts right now. But not wanting to act on them isn't stopping me from having them," Janus continued. "And what I thought didn't matter as much before because I just had to worry about how what I do could affect you or Thomas, but now I have to worry about everyone. And like, every time I end up doing anything, everyone freaks out!"

Remus frowned at him, tilting his head. A long moment of silence stretched between them as Remus considered what Janus said.

"… Janny, are you upset because you realized the others don't hate you?"

Janus practically flinched, his face falling. And then he shook his head.

"… I still feel like they hate me," Janus disagreed. "But Virgil and I mostly made up, and now I've talked to Roman, and I feel like Logan mostly doesn't care about me either way, and I don't know if Patton even can hate someone, but that's not even my problem with him, so I just…"

He trailed off, and Remus moved a little closer, putting an arm around him.

"So you still feel like they hate you, but now that you have evidence that they don't, it's making things harder?"

After a moment of hesitation, Janus nodded begrudgingly.

"I already feel guilty about dying, Rem," Janus said softly. "Even if I didn't mean to, I know it caused a lot of problems. Thomas didn't have a major aspect of his personality functioning for months, and the rest of you had to pick up the slack, not to mention how much you were all affected emotionally. And based on what your brother told me earlier, I think he might be actually traumatized by it, and what am I supposed to do?"

The longer he spoke, the more agitated Janus was getting. He was starting to gesture with his hands, and Remus could see the beginnings of tears forming in the corner of his human eye.

Silently, Remus decided to stop the comment about them all being traumatized by what happened from leaving his lips. He knew it wouldn't help right now, since Janus was actively telling him that he couldn't handle his mental health affecting everyone else so much.

He just pulled Janus even closer.

"I know it's hard, Dee," Remus spoke as gently as he could. "And I'm sorry it sucks. But I can't just stop worrying about you, and I don't think the others can, either."

Janus rubbed the half-formed tear away from his eye, the drop of liquid soaking into the fabric of his gloves.

"But isn't it a good thing that the others don't hate you? I mean, the way the others treated you is a big part of what got you to this point, right?" Remus suggested. "So even if it sucks, maybe it's just a trade-off until you start feeling a little better. And once you start to feel okay again, maybe having some more people to talk to will help keep you from getting like this."

Janus leaned his head on Remus's shoulder.

"… It's so weird having you give me advice like this. Before, you would have just offered to help me fight whoever was bothering me."

Remus sighed.

"Well, I'd love it if I could just fight something to get you to feel better, but I know that wouldn't work," he said. "And I mean, back when you first fell, I did kinda want to kill everyone. But eh, I kinda had to learn how to get along with them too, ya know?"

"Hm."

Janus fiddled with one of his gloves, pulling on the fingertips to rearrange the seams.

"… I told Roman my name today…"

Remus blinked.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Remus responded, looking up to find the right words. "Did you want to?"

"It felt appropriate."

"But did you want to? Just because Roman didn't force you doesn't mean you didn't force yourself."

"I don't know. I just figured that we'd had a big heart-to-heart and sorted out our differences, and I was trying to show him that I was sorry for what I did, and it just made sense to tell him. Plus, it's weird having deep discussions with someone when they don't know your name."

Remus nodded.

"Are you going to tell the other two?"

After all, more of the sides knew his name than didn't at this point.

But Janus shook his head.

"I don't think I can," he explained. "Logan and I aren't exactly close, and I still… Things with Patton are still complicated. You and Virgil have known my name for years already, so I don't have to worry about you two. And I told Roman today because I was trying to prove I was being sincere. I don't really have a reason to force myself to tell the other two."

Remus nodded.

"Eh, that's okay. It's your name, so you don't have to tell them if you don't want to," Remus accepted. "But, being friends with Logan might be a good idea, because under all the boring nerd stuff, there's a whole bunch of exciting nerd stuff."

And despite everything, Janus couldn't help but crack a smile.

XXX

The next day, Janus and Roman found themselves sitting together in the living room together once again. Remus had something he had to take care of in the Imagination, and the others were helping Thomas brainstorm for a video. Roman had volunteered to stay behind with Janus, who hadn't been feeling up for participating in the discussion.

It was less awkward than Roman thought it might have been, considering all they'd discussed only the day before. Janus was actually working on some paperwork while the television played quietly in the background, which was surprising since he hadn't really been able to focus on his papers in a while.

Though, after about forty minutes, he did end up needing to take a break, setting the papers down slowly, as if he was afraid Roman would judge him for not finishing them.

"You okay?" Roman asked.

"Yeah. I guess I just need to work on my attention span," he sighed. "I've gotten too used to not doing shit."

"… We could help you, you know," Roman reminded him.

Janus shrugged.

"I might as well do some work while I can," he replied, neither accepting nor denying the offer. "Seeing as I'm able to do any of it, hopefully that means this whole situation is going away."

Roman just nodded, equally hopeful that Janus's condition would improve a little. It was something, at least, that he could focus on reading something for any amount of time, considering that, last week, all he'd been able to do was stare blankly at the TV while he sat frozen on the couch.

Janus rubbed his eyes, and Roman set down his sketchbook he'd been doodling in.

"So…," Roman spoke up. "Is it okay if I just add something onto our discussion from yesterday real quick?"

Janus looked up at him, frowning. Then, he sighed.

"Sure."

"Okay, so, I'm hoping this isn't a problem, but I'm just bringing it up now in case it is and you find out later. Okay?"

Janus blinked.

"… Go on."

"So remember how you told me your name?" Roman questioned, not actually waiting for a response before he continued. "So, I was talking to Virgil after we got back, and I mentioned that to him, and then he called you 'Jan' and I kinda remembered that Remus called you that when we… found you, and you know, there were more important things going on at the time, so I kinda forgot about it until then, but then I did remember, so the point is, I actually kinda already knew like 50% of your name already."

Now, Janus was staring at him, possibly trying to untangle the rapid string of words that formed the run-on sentence Roman had just spewed at him.

"… Alright," he replied eventually. "I guess I can't really be angry, considering the circumstances. "Again, just don't tell Logan and Patton."

"Got ya," Roman agreed. "Really, I just didn't want to risk it becoming a problem later. Or something."

Janus nodded. And Roman thought that would be the end of their discussion, that Janus would either pick his papers back up or turn his attention to the television, but he did neither. Instead, he was still looking at Roman, now with a searching expression.

"I have an appointment with Picani tomorrow," he eventually stated.

"Yeah?"

"Well, I have to talk to a therapist, and Thomas has been going to a therapist…"

"I know?"

Janus sighed.

"Do you think you maybe also need to talk to Picani?" he suggested.

Roman froze, surprised, for a moment.

"… Why would I need to talk to Picani? I mean, I'm fine."

"Well, aside from anything else, you did sound a little traumatized when we were talking yesterday," Janus explained. "And I mean, it's technically my fault, but I wasn't trying to traumatize you. Or anyone else. Fuck, did I traumatize anyone else…?"

"Um… Janus…?" Roman said, trying to keep Janus from getting sidetracked by his own mumbling.

"I don't know," he sighed. "It's just that, yesterday, when you telling me about what happened when you and Remus found me, you didn't sound fine. And as much as I hate to say it… Picani's not that bad once he stops trying to turn everything into a metaphor about cartoons. Actually, you might like that part. I don't know, it's just an idea. Since. You know."

Roman stared at him for a moment, and he realized that Janus seemed to actually be… concerned about him?

"I… I can think about it?" Roman partially accepted. "I mean, you're the one who died, though, so I don't really know if I should make it about myself. Which, I get it, I control the ego, but I don't have to make everything about me."

But Janus shook his head.

"You are allowed to be affected by it, you know," he said. "I mean, I obviously didn't see what I looked like, but I imagine it wasn't particularly pleasant. Plenty of people can be traumatized by witnessing accidents, and it probably wasn't easy seeing your brother being upset, either. So, I think you're justified in needing therapy, even if you don't have to justify needing therapy, really."

"… I'll think about it. Really," Roman told him. "But if I go, Remus should probably go too. I mean… He was worse off than I was while you were gone."

Janus groaned, letting his face fall into his hands.

"Please tell me I didn't traumatize anyone else."

"Well…"

Janus raised his head as he continued to receive no response.

"Seriously?"

"I mean, a lot happened…"

Janus's face fell, and it made Roman kind of wish he had lied.

"I know," he muttered. "I guess I've seen how everything affected everyone, but I guess… I don't know, I guess I was just too angry about everything for it to click. Now I just feel like complete shit, though."

"It wasn't your fault," Roman told him, unknowingly reflecting Remus's words from the previous day.

"… Maybe everyone needs therapy, actually."

"Wait, is this some plan to get revenge for us forcing you to go to therapy?" Roman questioned, 90% joking.

Janus shot him a glare.

"I'm being serious," he shot back. "Even if I'm shit at it myself, I still represent self-care. It's… still my job to make sure Thomas's mind is being taken care of."

He frowned, crossing his arms.

"But I haven't been doing that, and I just keep making everything worse, actually, so who even knows if I'm doing anything right…"

By the end, Janus was mumbling, but Roman could still hear him. And he was pretty sure that Janus was starting to get into some kind of spiral that he really didn't need to get stuck in at the moment.

"Hey, hey. Let's just figure things out one piece at a time, okay?" Roman suggested. "We're all figuring things out. I'm sorry for making a joke when you were trying to be serious."

In response, Janus only sighed again.

"I really wish I could go a day without… this."

Silently, Roman wished the same.

XXX