XXX Chapter 36: The Jam

Over the next few days, Janus slowly got better, his anxiety about being alone diminishing significantly. He was still spending more time outside his room than usual, but he was eventually going to bed by himself at night and didn't have to constantly be near someone. He was also slowly chipping away at his piles of paperwork, though he still wasn't really accepting anyone's offered help on that front.

He still wasn't great, but he was improving. Actually, he couldn't really remember the last time he'd felt even the slightest bit okay. And maybe part of it was just that he was relieved to finally be done with what had just happened, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

As it was, he was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, and Logan happened to be sharing the table with him. Logan had opted for a bagel smeared with cream cheese and jam, which he'd finished a few minutes ago, leaving him to finish his morning coffee. Janus, however, was eating some applesauce, as he'd followed Logan's meal plan until he'd been able to eat mostly-normal again but had found a set-back during recent events, having gone back to feeling nauseous from anxiety when he ate. Luckily, that, too, was starting to fade away again along with the anxiety itself, but he was trying to not tempt fate too much.

He also had a cup of herbal tea, though it was still too hot to drink, leading him to ignore it for the time-being.

He supposed that, perhaps, he was also ignoring Logan at the moment as well. Not exactly intentionally- it was more that they were just sitting together quietly. And really, he was pretty content with that, and he thought Logan was as well. But he did remember what Remus said a few days ago, that he should try to befriend Logan.

Janus wasn't really sure about it. On the one hand, there wasn't that much drama between the two of them, certainly much less than there was with the others. For the most part, the disagreements between them stemmed from more professional than personal quarrels. When they were younger, they certainly argued quite a lot about what Thomas should do in any given situation. As Logic, Logan wanted Thomas to use truth and facts, as he was inclined to believe it would cause the least amount of hassle (and of course, being influenced by Patton, he also generally agreed that it was the 'right' thing to do). But Janus was Deceit, and as one would expect, he tended toward favoring lies quite a lot more. Sometimes, he'd win the argument and Thomas would lie, and really, they were met with mixed results. Sometimes, a little white lie was innocuous enough and no one ever found out, or if they did, it wasn't a big deal. Other times, Thomas ended up in more trouble because he lied than if he had just told the truth in the first place. Janus knew there was a place for lies, but he wasn't stubborn enough that he couldn't admit that it didn't always work.

They really didn't argue very much as they got older, though. Mostly, this was when Janus altered his approach from outright telling Thomas to lie to trying to subtly nudge him in different directions instead. He didn't have to fight the others, and Thomas never actually saw him. It was actually easier to get him to lie when he would merely suggest (anonymously) that lying would spare someone's feelings or keep himself safe (and Janus still stood by many of those justifications- even if they were intended to justify lies, they themselves were true). And at a certain point, the split between the halves of the Mindscape became more distinct and intentional, and Janus lost his reason for interacting with the logical side most of the time.

They weren't friends, and they weren't enemies. They just had frequently-opposing functions.

On the other hand, though, it wasn't like there was nothing between them at all. Whether they wanted it to be the case or not, their functions and their conflicts had an effect on how they viewed each other. Logan pretended to be emotionless, and even though no one actually believed it, it was still difficult to determine exactly how he felt about many things. He couldn't exactly speak on Logan's behalf, but Janus himself always had the impression that the logical side was just entirely ambivalent toward him most of the time. They debated on Thomas's behalf, but there wasn't anything else. Outside of those arguments, they didn't talk or fight or do much of anything together, even when they were young. It was like he said- Logan's general approach to both he and Remus was similar: if they were ignored enough, they had no power and therefore the best way to deal with them was to just ignore them. Janus wasn't really treated like a foe to be vanquished- he was treated like a misguided nuisance who just needed to be convinced he was wrong.

Even that, though, wasn't exactly personal. Logan had a tendency to treat everyone in a similar manner during arguments, just to different degrees.

Really, the two of them were as close to strangers as was possible in a Mindscape with so few sides in it.

He, however, also couldn't ignore that he'd been a bit of a jerk to Logan in the past. It wasn't like he avoided name-calling and insults when they'd argued in their younger years, and more recently, he'd intentionally excluded Logan from the court debate until he'd wanted to use him as a witness (which he had no idea of whether Logan was angry or not about).

But that left Janus in an uncomfortable position. Logan had, on multiple occasions, expressed concern about him in one way or another ever since this whole debacle began. And it's not like Janus believed the man was heartless, but it did shake his impression on what he believed Logan thought about him.

Well, it seemed that, according to Remus at least, he and Logan were friends (?), so perhaps he could start with that.

"So," Janus began. "Remus mentioned that the two of you are friends now."

He was trying to keep his voice even, not wanting to betray any emotion.

Logan set down his coffee, swallowing the sip he'd just taken, before responding:

"I suppose we are. Why? Do you disapprove?"

Fuck.

No emotion, it seemed, had been interpreted as anger.

"No, it's fine," Janus replied, a little quickly. "He just mentioned it…"

Logan's eyebrows crinkled just the slightest bit.

"Is there something on your mind, Deceit?" he inquired. "I know you can be a bit… protective… over Remus."

Janus's face flamed red, though he wasn't sure whether it was more from anger or embarrassment. He knew damn well that 'protective' wasn't the word Logan really meant, and he didn't like the implications. Yes, he could get paranoid about Remus leaving him, but he also knew that Remus had every right to talk to whoever he wanted to.

"I'm not his keeper," Janus shot back. "… Never mind."

Logan blinked at him, eyes widening just a bit, suggesting he was surprised.

"I'm sorry if I offended you?" he spoke. "That wasn't my intention. I was just trying to gauge your opinion on the matter."

"Why would my opinion matter?" Janus replied, forcing disinterest into his tone before taking a sip from his still-steaming mug. "Even if I absolutely hated that you two were talking to each other, it doesn't matter. Remus can be friends with whoever he wants. It's not like I have a monopoly on him."

Logan shrugged.

"Well, you have some abandonment issues from when Virgil left, so if you do have an issue, I would just want to reassure you that Remus and I being friends doesn't detract from your friendship with him, so you shouldn't worry about it."

If Janus hadn't just swallowed his sip of tea, he would have most likely spat it out.

Logan could be blunt sometimes. Very blunt. It was another thing that set the two of them at opposite ends, inverted images with differing goals.

As it was, Deceit set his mug down on the table a little too hard.

He didn't want to fight with Logan. He was pretty sure Logan was the only one he hadn't had an individual screaming match with in the past few months, and really, he wanted to keep it that way. He didn't want to burn a new bridge just as he'd started mending the old ones. His intention with the conversation had been to start acting more friendly with the other side, hadn't it? And yet, here he was, seconds away from storming off (Was that what Logan actually thought of him? That he'd throw a fit if Remus talked to anyone other than him? Was his assumption about Logan's ambivalence toward him wrong, not because he actually cared, but because he had hated Deceit all along? Maybe his exclaiming of 'Deceit!' every time he showed up was a little more emotionally charged than he'd thought).

"I'm aware, thank you," Deceit ended up replying, a little tartly.

Perhaps he shouldn't have assumed anything different. Logan didn't have to like him. He didn't exactly have any reason to, and really, what attempts had Deceit ever made to be civil before? And maybe Logan knew about that time he'd freaked out because Remus was talking to his own brother. Perhaps Logan's analysis of his intentions wasn't so flawed, even if it was incorrect.

"Are you sure you don't have anything you want to say? It's fine if you do."

Janus shook his head.

"No, I was just making conversation," Deceit lied. "I just figured it was a bit quiet in here."

Logan frowned.

"… Do you want to turn on some music?" the logical side offered. "I don't mind if you just want background noise."

Was Logan just trying to be considerate? Or did he actually care about whether Deceit could stand silence at the moment?

He didn't know.

"No, thank you," he denied. "I should be getting some paperwork started, anyway."

He stood up from the table, mug in one hand and mostly-empty cup of applesauce in the other.

"Alright," Logan accepted easily, though he was still giving Deceit an observant look. "I should probably start my work soon as well."

Deceit nodded and left the room.

XXX

It was sometime late in the afternoon that Logan decided to take a break from his work for a bit. Normally, he would have preferred working until he finished, but he didn't want to risk accidentally overworking himself at the moment. Things in the Mindscape were generally improving but fragile, and it's not like it would kill him to stretch for a few minutes.

He got up from his chair and lifted his arms toward the ceiling, intending to stretch out his back. He, however, jumped when he heard a voice calling out from his bed.

"Wow, sure took you forever to take a break."

Logan whirled around and found Remus laying across his comforter, tying various knots in a short length of rope. He noticed the distinct lack of a noose, one of Remus's favorites, amongst the knots.

"How long have you been in here?" Logan asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"Eh, an hour? Maybe. Heck if I know, but a while," Remus replied casually, getting rid of the rope and sitting up in a singular motion. "Just figured I'd see what you're up to. DeeDee's busy today, but it looks like you are too. But I was already here, so."

"Has Deceit not taken a break yet?" Logan questioned.

"I dunno," Remus answered. "I mean, I've been in here for a while, but he didn't while I was in there. He might've while I was gone."

Logan nodded, making a mental note to check on the man later to make sure he didn't overwork himself, either.

"I'm surprised he's been able to work so long, considering how much he's been struggling with focus lately," Logan commented.

"I mean, I don't know how much he was actually getting done," Remus admitted. "He looked like he was getting kinda frazzled, but whenever I said I'd help or that he should do something else, he got annoyed. And then he ended up kicking me out after, like, the tenth time."

"Do you think he's alright?" Logan asked. "He was acting a little strange during breakfast this morning."

Remus frowned, and Logan could tell that the man's worry about his friend had spiked.

"What do you mean?"

"He suddenly asked about you and I being friends, and then he appeared to be upset and pretending otherwise," explained Logan. "I tried to ask him if he was upset about us being friends but that just seemed to get him more upset."

Remus's frown deepened as he propped his head up with one hand.

"What exactly did you actually say, though?"

"I don't remember my exact phrasing, Remus, but I was more-or-less trying to reassure him that I wasn't going to 'steal you away', so to speak," Logan told him. "I didn't want him to feel upset about it, but I do think that I might have done the opposite."

Remus grimaced awkwardly.

"Hmmmmm, I mean, I kinda suggested he try to be friends with you the other day?" said Remus. "So you might've accidentally shot him down while he was trying to do that. Or maybe you were right. I don't know, he can get kinda upset when he thinks I'm gonna leave, but like, he hasn't mentioned that in a while."

"Oh."

Logan sighed, realizing that he very well could have offended someone when they were trying to reach out.

"Perhaps I should go talk to him, now that I'm up anyway," he decided. "At least to check on him."

Remus, after a moment, nodded.

"Let me know how it goes?" he requested, clearly holding himself back from tagging along so the two of them could talk together.

Logan returned the nod and moved to leave his room.

XXX

Janus heard a knock on his door a few hours after Remus left, and, assuming that the man had gotten bored and had decided to come back, decided to yell through the door instead of leaving his desk.

"Remus, I'm busy! Can you come back a little later?"

Really, he kind of just wanted to sulk a bit. His conversation with Logan earlier had left a small but stinging wound, and trying to distract himself with papers wasn't really working. Even with Remus gone, he kept getting distracted, and he'd barely gotten any further into his work for the day (let alone all the piled-up work he still had from before, which he was probably never going to actually touch again. He already needed to sort out the now-newly-irrelevant things yet again).

He hated this.

He'd finally been feeling a little better, and all it took to send him back into a spiral of worthlessness was a singular comment about his controlling tendencies. Sure, he knew that he wasn't going to just suddenly be okay because one symptom simmered down and got placed on the back-burner, but he'd hoped to feel better for a little longer, at least.

"Actually, it's Logan. I was just coming to check up on you."

Of course it was.

He sighed.

Why was Logan here? Was he actually checking on him, or was he going to tell him to stop moping? Did he care about him, or did he hate him?

"Deceit?"

He supposed it would be better to get it over with. If he didn't respond, the logical side might very well assume he was doing something he shouldn't and open the unlocked door anyway.

"It's open!" he yelled back, even though they both knew that his door was never locked anymore.

Logan let himself in, closing the door behind him.

"Deceit," the logical side greeted him with a nod.

"Hello," Deceit answered.

He stared determinedly down at the paper in front of him. He didn't want Logan to be here right now. He wanted to avoid him for the rest of the day and pretend everything was fine in the morning. And really, it was such a minor thing that that should be enough for him to get over it. But no, Logan, of all sides, just had to come check on him.

"How are you doing?" asked Logan.

"Fine," Deceit answered. "Just trying to catch up on a few things.

"Would you like to join me for some tea? I think you might need a break."

He moved to pick up a pen, realizing that he hadn't even been holding one while he was trying to fill out paperwork.

"No thank you," Deceit denied. "I would rather get some of this done."

"Remus said you were having a hard time focusing."

"Which is why I'm trying to finish it."

"Perhaps it would help to take a break, though," Logan suggested. "After a while, our attention spans have a hard time maintaining our attention on a singular, boring task, so taking a break can actually improve efficiency in many cases."

"I'll take a break in a bit," Deceit lied dismissively. "But I want to finish this document before I do."

Really, he wasn't even sure what this particular document applied to. He hadn't started reading it yet.

There was a long pause of silence, and even though Logan said nothing, Deceit knew he hadn't left. After all, he kept waiting for the sound of footsteps and a door opening that never came. Even still, he stubbornly refused to look up or say anything else.

But then he did hear footsteps, and just as he was about to relax, he realized they had gotten closer, and Logan was standing right in front of his desk.

"Deceit," the man repeated.

"What?" he eventually hissed out, unable to stop himself.

He glared up at the standing man, surprised to see that his face was a little softer than usual.

"I'm sorry about our conversation earlier," Logan apologized. "I made a few assumptions that appear to have been incorrect, and I seem to have upset you. So I'm sorry."

Deceit let the glare fall, but he didn't entirely intense his body.

"It's fine," Deceit said simply, hoping that would be enough to end the conversation.

"I'm still sorry," Logan sighed. "Remus told me that you were probably trying to be friendly, and I assumed that you were upset that I was spending time with Remus, and I shouldn't have done that."

Janus shifted his gaze back down to the paper so he didn't have to look at the other man.

"It's fine," Janus repeated, less sharply.

He wasn't sure what else to say, really, and it seemed like Logan had said his piece. Was he going to just keep standing there? Or was he going to leave now that he'd done what he came for?

"… My offer for tea still stands, Deceit," Logan spoke eventually. "I think we'd both benefit from a break, considering I tend to ignore my own advice."

Janus considered the offer for a moment, eventually making his decision.

"… Fine."

XXX

The next morning, Logan was surprised to find a piece of paper slid under his door. Once he picked it up, he discovered a few rows of neat handwriting:

I'm sorry for excluding you during the court case.

It wasn't fair to ignore you, especially when I know how it feels.

- Janus

XXX