"Don't give me orders, I won't follow them anyway."
Unknown
Hermione and Remus both abhorred obligations. Unfortunately for them, life was a succession of obligations and since they were part of the Order of the Phoenix, first generation, they were there to prevent a second generation from existing and therefore had to blend in. The problem was simple, most of the Order were pure-bloods, bordering on half-bloods, but half-bloods from prominent families, so they were required to go to the Ministry's New Year's ball.
This didn't seem to concern Remus and Hermione in any way, but the marauders, especially James and Sirius, had decided to take them along. After much protest, neither 'side' gave in and the two marauders invited the entire Order of the Phoenix. Minerva had forced the two Time Travellers to go, claiming that it would strengthen their cover, so on top of having to go to this ridiculous ball, they had to learn the workings of the Spanish Ministry of Magic if they were asked any questions.
"There's no way I'm putting on a dress for this bloody ball!"
"Helena, you're not going to a ball in jeans?"
"It's because of James and Sirius, I'll never forgive them! Don't expect me to smile and dance, I'll just keep to myself, that's fine."
"A dress, we can buy it for you if you want. Please" she begged.
"Alice! Why should a woman have to wear a dress to be beautiful and elegant? I won't wear a dress, that's my final word."
"Don't bother, no one is more stubborn than Helena, you won't change her mind, Remus warned them."
"She hadn't met us yet" smiled Dorcas with a strange sadistic smile.
"If by some miracle you succeed, get her a long-sleeved dress."
The two girls smiled and clapped their hands, as if to seal their pact to get Helena Grace to wear a dress.
On the morning of the ball, Hermione fought her dummy hard. She was afraid of the evening ahead. She knew that the girls would not let her not go, that the marauders would pester them as much as possible, and with her bad luck, she would have to talk to some wizard about the workings of the Spanish Ministry.
She let out a cry of pain, her opponent had just punched her in the lower sternum, right where her bloody strangulation scar met the second one, a blistering scar that oscillated between purple and red, which still hadn't healed over the years. Although the latter was not visible to others, it was still there and still hurt when touched too hard. With a spell, she turned off her dummy and tried to catch her breath.
"Helena, are you all right?" asked Lily, who had seen the scene.
"I'm fine, some old scars have come to the surface, I'll be more careful next time."
"I'll get you a painkiller potion.
"No, really, Lily, I don't need it, I've-"
"had worse, I know. But you may have suffered in the past, but you have the chance to suffer less, physically, in the present, so come with me."
Lily's gaze forced Hermione to obey her. Even though that stern look had never appeared in Harry's eyes, the shape and colour remained the same. The witch could not deliberately face Lily's gaze without finding Harry.
The young woman offered to come and eat with her, which Hermione refused, but told her that she never ate lunch. This shocked Lily, how could anyone skip a meal like that?
"I usually do, don't worry, I eat plenty, breakfast and dinner are more than enough for me. Some time ago I only ate one meal a day, you see I've improved."
"If I see you're not feeding properly, you'll have to deal with me, I warn you," the witch glowered at her, "skip meals, what the hell!"
Hermione left the house and walked towards the park next door. She lit a cigarette and watched with emotion as the children played quietly. Those innocent days were long gone, but honestly, she didn't want to go back. She wouldn't know Harry and Ron yet, magic, Hogwarts, her friends, Remus, and all that was part of her life.
"Excuse me, but you can't smoke in the park. Smoking is not good for children" said a grandmother, who was watching her grandchildren.
"Oh, I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"You look sad, what happened to make a beautiful young woman like you look so desperate?"
"Life. My youth and beauty have nothing to do with it. Life gives us blows and I still haven't recovered. Have a good day."
Hermione left coldly and lit a new cigarette, her gaze cold. She could understand being told not to smoke in a public place, but being told that because she was young and beautiful she couldn't suffer made her angry.
To the great misfortune of the two Time Travellers, the day passed quickly, and the time to get ready arrived. Remus had put on the evening gown that Hermione had given him on his birthday, and had gone downstairs to the drawing room. The wizards were looking forward to it, but Hermione was not, they didn't know yet that they would have to wait a long, long time. Sirius and his younger self weren't there either, but knowing Sirius' habit of always being late, it was no surprise.
A howl of rage startled him and he saw Hermione, dressed in a black robe, her hair elegantly curled, storming downstairs.
"How dare you? I didn't want a stupid dress! I didn't want that awful Muggle make-up! And I can't walk in heels! Why couldn't you respect my choice!"
The witch ruffled her hair, but it was back in place seconds later, she couldn't take the dress or the shoes off, couldn't remove her make-up, the girls had thought of everything.
"You weren't going to go to that ball in jeans."
Hermione looked like she was going to say something back, but she realised that anything she could say would not help.
"Fine, I'll wear the bloody dress."
"You've got no choice."
"But by Morgana, take off that make-up and those bloody shoes!"
"And how are you going to get there? In sports shoes?"
Lily felt sorry for Hermione, and afraid of retaliation, she had never seen such a black look, took off the make-up and put on sandals instead of heels.
"That's it. And what do your friends do Potter?"
"I don't know, I'm going to see them."
"I'm going, go on, you're far too impatient."
"Who's to say you won't let us down?"
"Let's go" Lily cut in with a sigh, her friends were unbearable, all this for a stupid ball organized by the Ministry.
The young woman might not understand the importance of this one, she had never been to one before, but it was certainly a pure-blood tradition that she found incredibly hypocritical. Few members of the Order trusted the Minister to manage the war, and they all went to greet him and congratulate him on his work. It made no sense, but she was a Muggle-born, she had no say in pureblood traditions, discriminating as it was.
Hermione went upstairs to look for the two missing marauders, she knocked on Remus' door, but hearing no answer went in, he was not there. She then entered Sirius' room, without thinking to knock. What she saw left her speechless. Sirius and Remus were in bed and kissing passionately, leaving no doubt as to their activities.
"By Morgana! Get these images away from me."
She fled the room still hallucinating. She paced up and down the corridor. Sirius and Remus? Honestly, she'd thought about it before, when she'd seen them at the Shrieking Shack in third year, there was something strange emanating from around them, but she'd quickly pushed the thought from her mind. Sirius was supposedly the biggest womaniser at Hogwarts and Remus was married to Tonks, they had a son.
The two men had come out of the room and Merlin thank you, they had put their clothes back on. They looked at each other, embarrassed, and Sirius spoke first.
"Grace, it's not what you think!"
"You weren't kissing, half naked in bed?"
"That's exactly what you think" the young man frowned. "Don't say anything to anyone!"
"I can't hide anything from Rem'. But you should warn James, he nearly went upstairs instead of me. I think he would have fainted. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Doesn't it disgust you?"
"Why would it disgust me? What's the matter with you? I won't say anything. I just want to get these damn images out of my mind."
"What's to get off? You've seen two godlike bodies, a lot of girls would dream about that."
"I'm not like everyone else" she grinned. "The ball has already started, and even though I have no desire to go, I promised to take you."
She turned on her heels and went downstairs to Remus, who was looking at her strangely.
"What happened? I've never seen you look like that before."
She waved her hand, explaining that they would talk about it later. She called the two marauders who came downstairs with a smile on their faces. The four of them disaparated and separated, Sirius and Remus left to find their friends and the Time Travellers stayed at the entrance.
"Congratulations, you're in a relationship!" she said in the most neutral voice possible, holding back a smile, but she couldn't help it when she saw the look on Remus' face and laughed.
She could almost see smoke coming out of her friend's ears as he was thinking so hard.
"Okay, my younger self is in a relationship. But with whom?"
The solution appeared before his eyes and he opened his mouth in shock.
"Sirius?"
"You never told me you had feelings for him" Hermione said thoughtfully.
"We never talked about it Hermione. Not you, not me. But I never thought my feelings would be reciprocated" he said thoughtfully.
"I don't really like talking about it, because it reminds me of my rapes" she began. "But the first person I slept with was Harry" she said after a moment's hesitation, as seriously as possible.
For the second time that evening, Remus opened his mouth wide and choked on his glass of champagne. He hadn't expected the conversation to be about sex, he and Hermione had never talked about it and Hermione had just done so, as naturally as if they talked about it regularly.
"I thought you thought of him as your brother... You and Harry? I never would have guessed."
"There was no romantic feeling between us. To tell you the truth, I don't remember it well. There was a party in the common room, the alcohol was flowing, I'd had far too much to drink, Harry too. One thing led to another and we ended up in the Room on Requirement. The next day we woke up naked in a bed. There was no real doubt about it. But I don't regret it, we explained ourselves and there was no ambiguity. That's why I don't say Harry was like my brother, I'm not a fan of incest. The second person was Ron on the night of the Great Battle. I was afraid he'd get the wrong idea, I think he loved me, but he realised I didn't love him like that and we left it at that. There, you know everything. The only two people I slept with with consent were my two best friends, isn't that great?" she said with a touch of sarcasm.
"I would never have imagined that. You and Harry? As much as Ron, I noticed the looks he was giving you, you'd have to be blind not to see it, but Harry... At the same time, you were so fused, so inseparable that it's not so surprising."
Remus hesitated to continue but since Hermione had confided in him...
"For me it was Lily" he smirked and laughed as he watched Hermione's face.
"Lily!" she choked out. "But how?"
"Helena! Remi! Don't you know the ball is going on inside? Come on" Alice called out to them.
Hermione muttered to Remus, 'we're not leaving it at that, you're going to explain everything to me' before following the young woman who was getting impatient. She arrived in a room full of people, which she hated most of all, there was a reason she had breakfast every morning as early as possible when she was at Hogwarts. It reminded her of the Great Battle, though she was at a loss to know why. Remus saw that her friend was tense and felt the panic attack coming on, put his hand on her shoulder and assured her that everything would be alright.
"Let's go dancing, you don't have to keep up the conversation."
Remus led his friend onto the dance floor, where many couples were twirling to the music. It was a waltz, and fortunately for them, they knew how to dance.
"I didn't know you danced."
"My grandfather taught me when I was a child. He said that everyone should know how to dance, especially the waltz, the most classical dance. What about you?"
"Surprisingly, it was Dora who taught me. She loved it, and despite my apprehension, you know how clumsy she was, she never once stepped on my toes."
The dances went on and on, without them stopping, dancing like that gave them a semblance of freedom, even if it seemed silly, it relaxed them. At the end of the seventh dance, they decided to take a break and Remus went to get a drink. Hermione stood off the dance floor and immediately stopped, some strangers had come up to her out of nowhere, she had declined their invitation, she didn't want to dance, least of all with people she knew nothing about.
"Do you want a drink?" Sirius asked her, startling her.
"No thanks, I don't drink alcohol."
"Wrong, I saw you with a butterbeer three days ago."
"Shopkeepers can sell it to thirteen year olds, I don't call it alcohol."
"Why don't you drink? Everybody likes to drink."
"I know they do. I'm the first to enjoy a nice glass of firewhiskey. But I can't afford it. A stroke can happen so quickly. I have to keep my wits about me, no matter what time of day or day of year."
"You need to chill out! A drink never killed anyone!"
"Well, it did" she said icily. "He was four years younger than me. I couldn't protect him, because my reflexes were altered by that damn bottle of whiskey. So I can't drink, knowing that it already cost someone their life. You can't understand. Of course I like alcohol. If we weren't at war, you can be sure I'd be drunk before I even got through the front doors! But we are at war, as we speak, Muggles are being murdered. All the important people in the Ministry are here, if the Death Eaters want to take over, this party would be a perfect opportunity. That's why I agreed to come. Not just to please all of you."
Hermione glared at the young man, before striding away from him. She was sick of it. Tired of being judged for every action she took, without even knowing her past. Tired of trying to hide her secrets. Tired of being forced to do things she didn't want to do.
"Dancing?"
Holding back a sigh against the person who had, again, bothered her, she replied coldly that she did not dance.
"You could have told me nicely. I wouldn't have blamed you. I saw you dancing with Remi, at least I took a chance."
"I didn't recognise you Benjy. I'm sorry. I'm not here to have fun, and Rem is Rem. He would've dragged me onto the dance floor if I hadn't agreed."
"Have you ever been to a ball like this in Spain?"
Hermione shook her head and made up an excuse that her parents were not part of the Ministry and that only Ministry employees were invited. The young man did not insist and changed the subject. They realised that it was nearly midnight and Benjy joined his family, while Hermione rushed to Remus. They both watched in silence as the wizards counted down.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" the wizards shouted in unison. Hermione and Remus became silent.
"It can't be any worse than the ones we've been through" Hermione said, her face grim.
"1979. I never thought I'd live it down again."
"Great, I'm going to be born in nine months, nineteen days, twenty-two hours and thirty-seven minutes" scoffed Hermione.
"I think we've more than fulfilled our promise. Shall we go home?" Remus offered, Hermione immediately agreed, she had already been forced to come, she was just waiting to get out of there. They informed Dorcas, Alice was too busy kissing Frank, and moved on. They had chosen to get away from the HQ and had landed by the sea.
"Rem'! You didn't bring me here!"
Of all the places in the world where there was sea, Remus had chosen to take her to Aberdeen, where they had landed after crossing the North Sea. Hermione had been ill all the way across and had very bad memories of the place.
"I wanted to see your face, I'm not disappointed. Look, you threw up in this bin when you landed."
"Remus!"
"It's been a long time since anyone called me that. It's almost weird that you call me that. It's Rem' now. I don't think I'll ever get used to Remi. It always takes me a while to get used to the fact that it's me they're talking to."
"Me too. Rem' is also so I don't get confused. I don't think I could call you Remi in front of everyone, your name is Rem'. Remus is your young self. Well, it's also you, but it's complicated to explain."
"I understand that. I'm always uncomfortable around them. The marauders don't know who I am. It's as if I'm looking in a mirror, twenty years younger than I am. It's extremely disturbing."
"Besides, we were cut off, you couldn't finish your explanation. Lily, huh?"
"I was hoping you'd forget, but I knew deep down you were looking forward to it all night. It was sixth year, I had just lost my mother and I felt like the marauders couldn't understand me. We started working together in the library, her friendship with Severus had just ended and she wasn't well. We talked a lot, she told me she had lost her grandparents the year before and helped me through it. One night we slipped up and slept together. I never told James, he was so obsessed with Lily he would have killed me."
"He never knew?"
"I don't know, maybe Lily told him but he never told me. Then there was Mary. We were together for six months."
"YOU DATED MARY! But why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not something you can easily put into a conversation. Here, Hermione, pass me some chocolate and ah, did you know I used to date Mary, one of your friends?"
"You could have told me that. Why did it end?"
"We were too different, I was afraid of her reaction if she found out I was a werewolf. We weren't a total match, it was more of a friendship than anything else. I think at the time it was a way of turning me away from Sirius. And I never had another serious relationship until Nymphadora."
Hermione didn't answer and hugged Remus. They both watched as the sea grew restless without saying a word. After a quick glance at her watch, Hermione almost choked, it was quarter to four. They decided to head back to HQ. They landed directly in the living room, with Alice, Dorcas and Lily looking on in amazement.
"Where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere."
"We told you we were leaving!"
Lily seemed to understand and sighed.
"Who did you tell?"
"Dorcas. Alice was too busy pawing at Frank."
"Little lesson, never say anything important to Dorcas after ten o'clock at a party, she's completely drunk and never remembers anything."
"Thanks for the advice, it would have been better if we'd known about this before."
"Where were you?"
"Curiosity is a bad habit. Don't you know that expression? We were in Aberdeen."
"What the hell were you doing in Aberdeen?" Dorcas muttered, who apparently still hadn't dried up.
"I wanted to bring back some memories for Helena. I didn't know the city very well, but since she's..."
"Don't you dare tell that story! You'll have to deal with me."
"I wasn't planning on it. Your secret is safe."
"Hey, I wanted to know that story!"
"Too bad for you, Alice."
The two went up to the room they shared and went to bed. For once, Hermione fell asleep quickly and it was Remus who couldn't sleep and went for a walk in the park.
The next two weeks passed quickly, without any major events. Hermione and Remus were still training hard, they had started a new kind of fight, a fight against their past. Their memories were too important, too painful to ignore, but they could no longer afford to be consumed by them, especially Hermione. She hadn't had another seizure in a while, but she knew that they would -unfortunately- come back.
On the night of the January the 16th 1979, Hermione was smoking her cigarette in the park as usual. Remus had left the previous day on a mission with two other members of the Order and as usual she was not feeling well. She missed her friend very much. They had been through so much together, never in her first Defence Against the Dark Arts class did she imagine she would become so close to this man. Harry and Ron would always be special cases, but Hermione now considered Remus her best friend. He was ahead of everyone else, except for the two Gryffindor fools who were her friends, as she liked to call them a few years ago.
"You seem to be lost in thought tonight."
Hermione didn't look back, she took another drag, not caring about the man who had joined her. She didn't need to see him to recognise his voice.
"Are you done avoiding me?"
"I never avoided you!" he retorted a little too quickly.
"Since I saw you and Lupin in this room, you haven't spoken to me, not even a glance. Not that I care, but I call that avoiding someone."
"You didn't ask any questions."
"I wanted to, but you were uncomfortable so... I wasn't going to bother you with it, my curiosity can wait. "
"Remus was afraid you'd tell Prongs."
"It's not my place to do so. But the longer you wait, the more he'll resent you for keeping it from him. How long has it been anyway?"
"Just over a year."
"You've been very discreet, I've never suspected anything."
"You can't know everything."
"I do now."
"The worst part is you kind of brought us together. James was with Lily, Peter was always somewhere, and when the four of us got together, you always added another mystery. Moony and I both needed to talk and then..."
Hermione remained silent after Sirius' tirade. It was true that if she had never been in the past they would never have gotten together, but it was still no thanks to her. They were the ones who had had the courage to admit their feelings to each other. She had the impression that in this reality, everything was becoming more urgent, as if the war was starting more quickly.
"Do you want one?" she offered, pointing to her pack.
Sirius accepted and then quickly consumed it. He threw the cigarette on the floor, under Hermione's dark eyes.
"What's the matter?"
"You know you've just polluted five hundred litres of water. We're wizards. We use magic to make things disappear and we don't even use it to save our planet."
With a flick of her wand, she made Sirius's cigarette butt and her own disappear, before taking another.
"Are you aiming to whistle a whole packet?"
"Our conversation from a few months ago still stands. I'm still looking forward to death, sorry to disappoint."
"Why are you so depressed?"
"Tonight or all the time?"
"Both."
"Life has never done me any favours. Well, it did until I was twelve. I was lucky to grow up in a good family, with parents who loved me, but the rest was a series of ordeals, each one harder than the last. I should have died a good ten times. I can't even count how many people have sacrificed themselves for me, so that I could be here today. I don't deserve it. I'm not going to tell anyone what I've been through, this is not a night for horror movies. As for tonight, I miss Rem."
"You never call her Remi?"
"No" she answered in a colder voice than she would have liked. "He's my cornerstone, I don't like being apart from him. I feel like we can't protect each other anymore, and I hate that."
"You've both been through a lot."
"You can't even imagine. I'm gonna go home, are you coming or staying?"
"I'll stay a little longer, I need to be alone."
Hermione nodded, and left silently. She knew what it was like to have insomnia and understood the Gryffindor's need for solitude. Her friends weren't there tonight, Peter was probably at the Death Eaters, Remus was out celebrating his father's birthday with his father and James and Lily were enjoying a date night.
Hermione walked through the door, glad that she had held back her tears when a bang sounded. She saw the house explode. She felt herself being thrown several feet away. Bodies flew through the flames like flaming phoenixes. Hermione tried to stand up and see the wounded, but could not. Slowly, her consciousness slipped away and she was left with a black hole.