"Writing is a way of speaking without being interrupted."

Jean Renard

August the 1st 1980

Harry, my dear little Harry,

You're wondering why I'm writing to you, aren't you? If you read these words, I can see your nose wrinkling and your eyes puzzled. But I doubt you will read these words. You are not alive after all. Sirius gave me this notebook the day I gave myself away a little too much, and he says that writing will help me get better. I doubt it, but I'll try.

You were born yesterday. Or rather, your double was born. Because this child will never be you, I promise you. He will live in the love of both parents, his godfather, his uncle, and all the people who once meant something to him.

I'm scared, Harry. I'm afraid I'm not good enough to give you the life you deserve. I want you to grow up happy, not worrying about the war. I'm afraid of this bond we have, because I don't know anything about it. Remus explained it to me, and to your parents, and to Frank and Alice, but I'm scared. I don't want you or Neville to see what I see, the horrors of life, of war, through my eyes. This bond is rare, and is only for werewolves. With these two conditions, you can imagine how little we know.

And I'm afraid I'm not up to it. Afraid of confusing you with your double. Because he is not you and never will be. I'm afraid I can't tell the difference between the two, Harry, afraid I'll smother him with my love that doesn't belong, afraid I'll fail to protect him, as I failed you.

I am afraid, Harry.

September the 8th, 1980

There was a battle today, Harry. It was the first one your mother has been in since you were born. I was scared for her and for Alice, of course, it's less than a month and a half since they gave birth. But this is war, and their bodies may not be fully recovered, but they want to fight. It was at a Muggle university. There were over two thousand civilian deaths. I'm talking like a soldier now, can you believe it? I killed Yaxley, in the heat of the moment. I'm not going to say I care about him, after all, he killed Bill, Fleur and Percy. He's not going to hurt anyone else, that's something, but I don't feel right. Because of all the Death Eaters, he wasn't the worst, at least at that time. There were others to eliminate first, and I didn't do it. Bellatrix is still alive, as is her husband and brother-in-law, as is Lucius Malfoy, and so many others. Yaxley will no longer be a concern, but the others will want revenge. I'm a target, it won't get any better.

Rem killed the Carrow sister. The brother didn't see it right away, but I know he'll want to avenge his sister at any cost. Rem' will have to be vigilant in the next few battles.

Ten aurors are dead, and the Order has lost two members: Dedalus Diggle and Elphias Doge, you know the old friend of Dumbledore's you saw at the wedding. I didn't know them that well, but they were formidable fighters, and they had families. I know I can never save everyone, but I still wonder how many people will die for the cause. We are not enough. The Order could have more power, but there are only about fifteen of us, how can we fight Voldemort and his Death Eaters effectively? We need to recruit more people, give them a thorough veritaserum interrogation to analyse their motivations, train them to fight, and then go and fight. That's how we have to do it. The Ministry is infiltrated, Hogwarts is infiltrated, we have to do something, but I don't know how to do it yet.

This battle leaves me bewildered, because it was the biggest massacre I've seen since the Battle of Hogwarts. I can still smell the blood, the sweat, the dust on me.

September the 19th 1980

Hi Harry.

It's my birthday today. I'm twenty-six. Or a year, depending on which Hermione you address. Either way, I feel much older. Fabian and Gideon are supposed to be three years older than me, but I can't help but feel older than them. I'd like to hug you, Harry, and then slap you for leaving me behind. Even though I'm not alone, Remus is with me, and I thank Morgana for that, I miss you so much. Do you even see me? Do you know the details of my life? You told me through the Resurrection Stone that you and Ron could see me, but I doubt it, it wasn't really you after all.

Lily and James came out. They weren't too happy about leaving you, so I offered to look after you. We're at your house in Godric's Hollow. You like me, I think. Maybe it's the Link, but you smile at me a lot, you calm down when I hold you. It's the same with Neville. At first, whether it was your parents or Frank and Alice, they didn't really understand and weren't very reassured, which I understand, to let me hold their children, but when the sleepless nights started piling up, they were happy to leave you to me when you were crying all day. I like looking after you and Neville. You're still too small to play together, but I'm sure you'll get on famously in a few months.

I wish you were here for my birthday, but at least I have your double. Every time I meet his green eyes I can't help but think of yours, more so than when I meet Lily's. I love you very much Harry. The others don't understand why I'm so keen to protect you and Neville, but it doesn't matter, I just do it.

October the 31st 1980

As long as I've known you, I've never really liked this day, October 31st. For you it's worse, of course, it's the day your parents died. For many people, it's just Halloween, or at the very least, the day Voldemort 'died'. But it is much more than that. I think it's a cursed day, more so than May 2nd. Between the troll in the toilet -which I don't regret, because without that, the three of us would probably never have become friends-, attending a death anniversary, the petrification of Mrs Norris, a (supposed) mad murderer entering our dormitory, your participation in the Triwizard Tournament... Not exactly a lucky day.

Remus' scar hurts him today. It burned him. You may not know this, but he got that scar in a fight. I wasn't there, I was slowly recovering from my magical coma due to an attack, by the way, Remus and I still don't know how I got in that state. I said, he had a lightning bolt scar on his forehead, exactly where yours is. And it burns him. I gave him a full examination, but I didn't see anything unusual. But from what I've seen, it's pretty much the same pain as you had in our first year. Which I don't understand, because for you, Voldemort was just a piece of soul, with no real strength or even body, Quirrell's was just a passing shell. When he came back to life, you had nightmares, visions, but Rem's did not. It's as if Voldemort's soul is near. But if the scar hurts him, then the scar is alive, isn't it?

I'm confused and worried, Harry, because I don't believe in coincidence or chance. And if Remus got that scar, which is obviously identical to yours, there must be a reason. Someone who knew you, who knows Remus and me. It's the only solution I can come up with, and you know it doesn't work for me. Because it would mean that this person has travelled through time too, and has the same information as us. The more I think about it, the more I think that this unknown person was responsible for my condition.

I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a long time, but with all the information, I couldn't help it. Because I'm not ready to fight an unknown enemy from the future. We're not. Whether it's Remus and I as Time Chosen or the Order of the Phoenix, the Aurors, or just the wizarding world.

If my hypothesis proves to be true, I implore Morgana not to let it happen, the consequences would be terrible. I hope October 31st next year will be better, it should be, because your parents will be with you. I kiss you, Harry, I'm going to go and train, it's the only thing I can do now.

November the 24th 1980

Ah, if you only knew how angry I am! I want to hit everything. I'll go and do that, I'll tell you about it later.

I'm still angry, but it's getting a bit better. I don't like Dumbledore. He horrifies me, and that's a very weak word. I admired him, it's true, before I knew his true nature as a manipulator. I'd been surprised when he'd let me go off on my own to look for the horcruxes, without him sticking his nose in. I should have known better. He had me followed! Me! Since I joined the Order, over two years ago! I don't know how I didn't realise it. But I am angry, as much at myself as at him. He couldn't have followed me very often, after all, I often disapparate, it's only when I leave the house on foot and he's there. Like today.

I know what you're going to say, that stupefying him and then going to Hogwarts to yell at Dumbledore in front of all the students wasn't a good idea, but I can't help it, I'm a Gryffindor, I go for it without thinking, but only when I'm really angry...

Still, I really liked to see his face when he saw that I had discovered his little secret. Having Mundungus Fletcher follow me, what the hell! I don't know if he thought I'd never find out, but I did.

Speaking of which, I found out that the locket was put in place in the cave. I don't know yet when Remus and I will be able to go and get it and destroy it, but I hope sooner rather than later.

I have to get better at this, Harry, I have to find a spell that can tell if someone is following you. And if it doesn't exist, I'll create it.

December the 24th 1980.

Happy Christmas Eve, Harry.

It's eight years today. Eight years since we visited your parents' grave together for the first time. I still think about that moment. It was one of the times I was most moved in my life, despite the circumstances, I was happy, that's not really the right word but I can't think of any other, to be there with you. Because you weren't going through this alone. I was supporting you. Of course, what followed was not very joyful, but this strong and powerful moment will remain engraved in my memory for a long time.

The Order are all with their families tonight, so Rem' and I have decided to go and get the horcrux today. That way our minds will be occupied with something other than the dead, well not quite, because the horcrux is waiting for us there.

December the 25th 1980

We've done it. We destroyed the locket. I couldn't tell you yesterday, I was still too weak, well, I'm not going to tell you what happened, you already know the effects of the potion. Remus wanted to take the potion, so did I. I managed to convince him, as you can imagine. It wasn't easy to go through it all again, but I'm dealing with my memories better than before. Remus was almost more traumatized than I was, which supports my choice to have taken the potion. His scar hurt, again, and it was even more painful to be near the locket, but that didn't stop him from destroying it with the fiendfyre. I'm afraid my guess is as good as mine.

And there it is, another horcrux destroyed. The tiara, the diary, the ring, the ornament, the locket, they're all destroyed. The Hufflepuff's cup is missing, and maybe Nagini. I don't know if the snake was transformed at this time, but if it was, we'll destroy it. Voldemort's vulnerability is approaching, yet I can't help thinking that he'll live for a long time. How much longer? I don't know, but I think several years.

February the 18th 1981

I know... I haven't written to you for a long time, I'm sorry. One battle after another, I don't really have time to think about anything else. I almost died today, really. My heart stopped beating for seven minutes, it's a miracle my brain wasn't damaged. But here I am, still here. If this keeps up, I'll end up stealing your title of the person who lived. I've been revived, I'm fine. Remus fell asleep next to me. He went out of control when he saw that I wasn't waking up, they had to evacuate him from the infirmary because he was screaming and struggling so much. I understand him, I don't know what state I would have been in if our places were reversed.

I'm tired of all the fighting lately, there's almost a Muggle village destroyed every other day. Often it's small villages, but still, it's a lot of people in the end. There hasn't been this much killing since Muggle University, but the deaths are everywhere, and the Dark Mark is in every corner of the UK.

Hagrid is officially part of the Order, but if he doesn't attend the meetings —you know him, he might drop a piece of information— but in a way he was already part of it and was giving information to Dumbledore. According to Remus, all the members of the first war are either in the Order or dead. We're going to have to approach the ones who are old enough to join, but didn't until he returned: Kingsley, Molly and Arthur, Hestia Jones...

I miss you.

April the 1st 1981

I went to the Burrow today. I was afraid I wouldn't get in, but it went pretty well. It was Fabian who invited me. Gideon came with his girlfriend, and he was tired of Molly's comments about his loneliness, so he asked me to come. He knows that I love the Weasleys like my own family, but he also knows that seeing them again could make me feel worse than dirt. He supported me, and I was able to enjoy the day.

For once, it was a beautiful day in April, in England. It was Fred and George's birthday. It was hard at first to get used to the idea that these two little three year old were the twins we had known. They are already rambunctious, but they made me laugh a lot. In fact, I gave them Muggle pranks. Remus thought he was a bit young, but knowing them, they must have started their art very early.

But there was something I didn't understand. The Link we share with Neville didn't activate. I was surprised, because Ron is my best friend, he's been my best friend longer than Neville even, but the Link didn't form. That's one more thing I don't understand about this link, and Remus didn't enlighten me.

I had a good day, I was anxious to see the Weasleys again, but I think it did me good. I got to know Fabian and Gideon in ways other than on the battlefield or through the meetings. Well, not Fabian anymore, Gideon is still suspicious, even though we've told him our whole life story.

I hope our doubles will always be friends, that's what I thought today, seeing a one year old Ron for the first time. Maybe they won't, maybe we'll each be in a different house, I don't know. I hope to go back to the Weasleys soon.

Love to you.

P.S. Did you know that Percy is already obsessed with reading, that the twins have been teasing him since they were two, that Bill has long hair to Molly's dismay and that Charlie has been fascinated by dragons since he met one when he was four?

May the 3rd 1981

I didn't write to you yesterday, I think you know why. There have been many battles in the last few weeks, and many deaths. Remus spent three weeks in a coma, he woke up four days ago. Marlene lost her entire family. But unlike the first time, she survived with her husband. I advised Edgar to put his house under fidelitas, according to Rem', his family was decimated before October 31st. He's a prime target, he's one of the best fighters of his generation, his parents were both great aurors, killed by Voldemort himself, his sister works in the Department of Magical Justice and his brother, Susan's father, is an Unspeakable. I didn't know Susan very well, but she lived with Amelia Bones, right? Her father must have died too.

I didn't spend yesterday crying—for once— there were a lot of battles in one day. Voldemort is actively recruiting. They attacked the various Muggle ministries, and as a diversion, they also attacked Diagon Alley, ten minutes before. It was a massacre. The Prime Minister is dead, the head of the auror's office and three high-ranking Unspeakable too, not to mention thousands of muggles and dozens of wizards.

It's almost midnight, I haven't slept in over forty-five hours and I'm almost falling over with exhaustion. But I can't go to sleep, because there are too many injured. It's panic among the muggles, it's been panic among the wizards for a long time, but it's gotten worse, a lot worse. The mediwizards are overwhelmed, so they have called for volunteers, people who have some knowledge of first aid. Students are there too, some of them haven't even finished their first year of training, have never been in the field, but they're asked to be there, as if they were full-fledged mediwizards. They have to treat hundreds of people, but they don't know a quarter of the injuries and they don't know how to treat them.

I try to help as much as I can. I've never had a course, I learnt everything from books and on the ground. It's a horrible day, and the next few weeks are going to be just as horrible, I can feel it. Our country is going to be plunged into chaos. There is no longer a Muggle government, no one knows the cause of the Prime Minister's death, it's a horror.

June the 24th 1981

I still won't die.

July the 4th 1981

Hi Harry. I hope you're not too bored with death.

It's three years to the day since I discovered the prophecy. My prophecy. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I should tell Remus or keep him in the dark. He's mentioned in it, well I'm pretty sure it's him, but you know prophecies, it often leaves you in the dark. I'm concerned too. I didn't really understand the questioning, but I know it's me. There are other people mentioned, one of whom I'm sure I haven't met yet. Because I don't think of anyone like that. I thought it might be you, well your double, but no, I don't think of him like that at all.

I'm completely lost, but I don't want to put this extra burden on Remus' shoulders, our destiny.

July the 31st 1981.

Happy birthday, Harry.

I always feel a twinge of sadness on this day, because we celebrate your birth, but you are no longer here. But today we are celebrating the first year of your double. It's the new moon tonight, so I'm annoyed and unbearable, but I'm doing my best to stay calm.

Your parents have invited a few people, almost the same as for Neville's birthday yesterday, plus your grandparents. By the way, the vaccine against the dragon pox is working, according to Rem', they should have died in April. You've been spoiled, and I really liked Lily's reaction when she discovered the toy broom Sirius gave you. I thought she was either going to faint or scream at Sirius that you were too young. She turned red and James took over. But the best part of the evening was when I gave you your present. I didn't really have any ideas, so I stuck to the same line as your birth gift. You got four stuffed animals, a lion, a snake, an eagle and a badger, no difference between the houses. James seriously blanched when you showed him that your favourite was the snake, but for the first time in a few months I smiled, genuinely.

I want to make it clear that the idea of giving a stuffed snake to see James' face came from Remus, not me.

August the 22nd 1981

I returned to the Burrow, Fabian invited me to Percy's birthday party. I wanted to give him a book on magic theory, but Remus reminded me that he was only five. So I gave him Hogwarts, A History. He may be a bit young, but he can read, so I might as well give him a big book as opposed to a five-page book he'll have finished the same day.

September the 19th 1981

I'm twenty-seven, there's nothing more to say.

October the 14th 1981

Yesterday was a full moon. It was different from the others. More painful, as if my wolf was trying to get out, when he was already out, as if to warn me. I'm going back to sleep, I can hardly stand up.

November the 9th or 10th 1981, I don't know anymore.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Harry. I have failed. I failed you. I wanted you to grow up happy, surrounded by all the people you cared about.

I'm so sorry... Forgive me, Harry... I failed you.