Trigger Warning: Mentions of rape, William Lewis, and drugs.
BTW… In this story, Elliot knows about Lewis. However, he didn't know about the rape. Also, although there are probably tons of grammatical errors… Olivia calling Noah "Bub" is not one of them, lol. It's just a nickname. I know Olivia is OCC right now, but she's coping with her trauma. Bare with her. I apologize for not being able to update this weekend, but I hope this makes up for it!
"Amelia… Ame- look away…" Olivia whimpers in her sleep. She starts tossing awaking Elliot. "Stop. Please."
"What?" Elliot asked, rubbing his eyes.
"Lewis… Please" she starts to sob in her sleep. "Liv?" Elliot sits, fully aware of what's happening now. "Liv, wake up for me." He gently rubs her arm, trying his best not to startle her in fears of making the nightmare worse. "Liv, please." he moves the drenched hair out of her face. "Liv." He shakes her a little.
She pushed his hand off of her and gasped for air trying to take in her surroundings. "Breathe, baby." Olivia clutches at the collar of her tank top as Elliot continues to caress her arm in comfort. "I-I'm fine, El." she says in between deep breaths. "I just… I just need a minute." She rubs her face. "Can you get me some water?"
Elliot jumps up immediately. "Of course. I'll be right back." She takes a deep breath relieved to have a minute to herself. The nightmare keeps replaying in her head and it sends shivers down her spine. She clutches her fearless necklace in hopes that it'll help center her. "Here. Take a few sips, Liv." She grabs the cup, drinking all of it in a few gulps. "Thank you, El." She gives him a small smile and rests her head on the headboard.
Elliot takes a beat before he asks. "You wanna talk about it?" She shakes her head and pats to his empty spot on the bed. "Come here. Let's just go back to sleep." he hesitantly takes a few strides back to the bed. "Don't look so scared of me, Elliot. I'm not fragile." He slides back into the bed. "I'm not scared of you, Liv. I'm just concerned."
She huffs and rolls her eyes. "Look… It's not worth the energy to have this conversation right now." she reaches out to hold his hand. "We will have it. Just not right now. I just want to go back to sleep." She hopes he won't see through her lie, knowing that she was officially up for the rest of the night.
Elliot brings her in closer to him and kisses the top of her head. "Okay... I'm not going to push you, but you have to make an appointment with Lindstorm tomorrow." He pauses. "That… I will push you about." He shifts slightly so he can look her in the eyes, "Because I love you and I care about you." He seals his promise with one more kiss on the head before shifting to get comfortable.
Not long after his promise to Olivia, his breaths start to even out. Olivia laid awake looking into the darkness with her mind moving a mile a minute. I can't go through this again. Every time I am happy, it gets ruined. Why can't I just have a normal year? It's always something. Thoughts kept coming and there was nothing she could do to stop them. Eventually it felt like the room was caving in on her. The thoughts, the overwhelming silence, Elliot's arms around her. It was just too much.
She gently tried to maneuver her way out of Elliot's embrace without disturbing his rest, but ultimately failing. "Liv?" she sighs. "Yea, El… I just need to pee." He loosens his grip on her. "You good?"
"Yes. Elliot." Starting to get aggravated at the questioning. "Please… go to sleep. I'm fine." She walked out of the room straight to the kitchen. She looks at the time before she opens the cabinet. "3:47… One glass won't hurt." She pours the red liquid into her glass with a heavy sigh, drinking over half before footsteps made their way towards her. "Liv…" Elliot looked down at the wine glass and then at the clock on the microwave. "You shouldn't be drin-"
"Elliot. PLEASE." she hissed before picking up her glass again, taking a gulp and then leaving it just in front of her face as if waiting for the appropriate time to take another sip. "I'm tired of you thinking you know what I need to do. Just let me be, Elliot. I am a grown woman." She takes another sip. "You don't own me, Elliot." Her voice grows cold and her eyes grow dark.
Elliot sits there dumbfounded on the instant change in her demeanor. "Liv… I understand you're going through something-" Olivia lets out an even colder chuckle that sends shivers down Elliot's spin. "You have no idea, Elliot and you wanna know why…" She sizes him up, "Because you weren't here and you don't get to be here now." She's now face to face with him and Elliot feels as if he's shrunk two feet. Felt like she was now towering over him. "Olivia, I am sorry. I am so sorry."
She lets out a small guttural laugh again. "You're sorry?" she turns away from him. "You're sorry for what? For not rescuing me from my literal worst nightmare? For living your best life a million miles away while my skin was mutilated." She takes another sip of her wine, this time finishing it. "Or is it…" A menacing look grew over her face. She knows her words are going to destroy him, but she doesn't care. Nothing can compare to her hurt. "Is it that you're sorry… another man got to know me in ways you only dreamed of before you got the chance? That he kept his promise to 'split me in two'? That I walked around for WEEKS trying to hide the pain the that radiated between my legs with every step I took?"
The evil grin she once plastered had now been replaced with an angry mask, but there's something else in her eyes. Something Elliot has been trying to figure out since he's gotten back and at that moment, he finally realized what it was… it's pain. It's hurt. Her words keep replaying in his head while he looks at her waiting for his response. "Olivia, I thought you said he didn't rape you." She put her glass in the sink, "Yea, well... I lied." She pushes past him. "And this is where you leave and lock the door behind you."
She makes her way to her bedroom and locks the door just before she slides down it to the floor. She's numb. She just wants to sleep, wants to forget. She eyes her bathroom knowing the pain pills they gave her for her ankle were still in there. Are they even any good? Maybe it's worth the risk? She thought to herself. She hates to admit it, but at some point during the first encounter with Lewis, she looked forward to pills he feed her. It gave her an escape. "Olivia, get your shit together. You have a son to think about." She tells herself taking a breath. If sleep wouldn't come naturally, then she'll just be left alone to her own thoughts. "I can't do that to Noah." She sighs getting up from the floor and heading to her bed.
Elliot makes his way to the closest to grab a blanket and a pillow. No way he's leaving her in this state and with the amount of wine she had, she's not going to be up to taking Noah to school anyway. He goes to set his alarm in enough time to get Noah up and ready for school, but decided to send Fin a text first.
E: We need to talk ASAP.
After he made his 'bed' on the couch he laid down and the events that just took place ran through his head. Finally left to his own thoughts, Elliot breaks.
He cries for Olivia. For every pain she has ever been through since birth. For the pain she went through while he wasn't here. For whatever drudged up the pain of William Lewis. She's been doing well. He's never witnessed her have a nightmare (until tonight). She never flinched away from him. If he didn't know any better, he probably wouldn't have even known she was a survivor of actual hell on Earth and now she said she was raped. Was it Lewis? Oh my-, did yet another trauma happen outside of Lewis? He cries silently until sleep overcomes him.
Elliot is startled awake to the sound of the door slamming. He looks down at his phone sitting up quickly realizing his alarm never went off because he forgot to set it. He makes his way out the door hoping to get to Olivia before she got on the elevator, but caught her eyes just before the doors shut. "Liv…"
Olivia kept thinking of the hurt Elliot's eyes held while the doors closed. She hates the way she acted yesterday, but she just is not ready to discuss it right now. The workload is insane, Noah has a million activities, and she feels like the worst mom of all time after thinking about using prescription drugs recreationally. It's just too much to handle right now, but the fact that he didn't leave after everything that went down, made her want to cry. Whether it was from relief or pain she didn't know, but she knew he deserved better.
"Mom, why wouldn't you let me tell Elliot bye this morning." Noah asked his mother, bringing her out of her thoughts. "He had a rough night, Bub. He needed his rest." Noah took a moment before he continued, "I heard you guys arguing last night." He said sheepishly. "Are you guys gonna break-up."
Olivia's heart broke. If she felt like a bad mom before, the way she's feeling now is indescribable. "No, of course not. It was just a little disagreement." she looks up in her rearview in order to make eye contact with him. "And what do you know about breaking-up anyways?" She chuckled trying to make light of the situation.
"Mom, I'm a big boy. People break up all the time at school." He rolled his eyes with a smile before looking back out the window. "I just want to make sure you're okay, mama." That did it. A very small sob escaped her throat, but she tried to conceal it as a laugh. "I'm fine, Noah. I'm just a little sad, but I'm going to talk to someone about it. Okay?" She put the car in park and turned to look at him. He didn't reply so she got out of the car and walked over to him. She opened the door and gently placed both hands on his face. "Your mama is okay. You don't have to worry about me." She continued to look him in the eyes. "You worry about your schoolwork. Whether the cafeteria is selling those cookies you like or what song you're gonna do for your recital. Not me, Bubba." she kissed his cheek. "I love you, okay?"
Noah nodded his head. "I love you too, mom." he took his seatbelt off and hugged her tight. "Now go take the world by storm, my smart boy." She gave him one more kiss and helped him out of the car. Watching as he made his way into the school. He paused and turned back to her and waved. "Love you." She waved back and blew him a kiss. "Have a good day, Noh. I love you more." With that she made her way back to the car and broke down.
Elliot made his way into the precinct heading straight for Fin's desk. "You can't answer a text?" he slammed his phone on the desk, almost breaking it. "Woah man! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Olivia got drunk last night, told me some things. We need to talk. Now." he said, motioning for Fin to follow him. "The cribs. NOW." he started to make his way to the cribs, checking to make sure it was empty.
"Listen… I get you're upset, but watch your tone Stabler." he pointed at him. "You don't get to walk in here and start making demands like you've been here the whole time." Fin said, trying to control his temper.
"Y-you're right." Elliot said with a sigh as he sat down on one of the bunks. "I just… she's hurting, Fin. She said she lied about not being raped." Elliot rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. "Was it Lewis or di-" Fin put his hands up in surrender, softening his tone. "What exactly did she tell you?" He asked genuinely curious, because what he saw was horrific, but it wasn't rape.
"It was graphic man. I-" Elliot looks at his hands. "She's hurting. Hurting like I've never seen, Fin." He looks up at his friend pleading for any clue of how to fix her hurt. "She said she walked around for weeks in pain."
"Yea, she said Lewis beat her, but nothing that would be visible. Said he punched her in her side a few t-" Elliot stands up and leans his head against the wall. "No Fin… She said she was in pain…"
Fin was astounded by Elliot's confession. "I- I didn't know." Anger filled Elliot's veins. "What do you mean you didn't know?! How could you not know?!" Elliot made his way to Fin. "You work with rape victims for Godsake! It's your job to know!" He's practically yelling at this point.
"Look… I get you're upse-" Fin started before Elliot interrupted him.
"Upset?! Are you se-, you're fucking kidding me right now! This shit is a fuc-"
"What the hell is going on in here?" Olivia busted through the door to see Elliot and Fin all but ready to fight each other. "My office. NOW?" she seethed before storming to her office.
Before she could even express her outrage with Fin and Elliot's antics, she was stopped in her tracks to see Cragen sitting in her office. "Look, before you even start… I can't right now. We have three open cases and instead of working, I have a sergeant and a detective," she gestures towards the two men who now enter her office, "a detective doesn't even work this percent mind you, ready to throw blows and the work day hasn't even started yet." She huffed as she sat down in her chair.
"Well I can see you have your hands full. I just wanted to check in. See how you're handling all of this." He looked at her with sympathy.
"Well I would be doing better if I didn't have two grown men acting like they were teens."
Before she could say anymore, Elliot stepped up, "Captain, it's good to see you."
"Likewise, although I see much hasn't changed." He chuckled. "I heard you were in town. Was hoping we could get together sometime soon."
"Listen, with all due respect you two can catch up later." She rubs her head as if it would magically take away her headache that was now forming. "Elliot, what are you even doing here?"
"You left before we had a chance to talk." He said feeling a little uneasy with all the eyes on him. "Well, it's not happening here." She said with a scuff. "You're causing chaos in my house so I suggest you leave before I have a uni help you find the door." Cragen sat there awkwardly wanting to leave, but also not wanting to get in the middle of the stand off between his two former detectives in trying to make his exit.
"Liv, before you go chewing his head off, it wasn't just him. We were arguing about you… because we're concerned." Olivia places her head in her hands. "Cragen, you in on this too?" She raises her eyebrow at him. "What is this? The whole fight was fake. Trying to set me up? For what?" her voice raises a level. "All you have to do is ask me." She said, shaking her head. "I'm tired of the ambushes. I'm tired of the 'are you okays'".
"Liv, that's not at all what happened. I came here to talk to Fin, not to ambush you." Elliot looks at her with sadness in his eyes.
"And I honest to God came to check on you. I knew you'd be back today." Cragen chimed in.
"And to be completely honest… you haven't been very forthcoming with the truth, Babygirl." Fin finally says. "I know we wouldn't be having this conversation if I never found the vid-"
"STOP." She held her hand up. "Video? What video?" Elliot asks Fin and then realization hits him. "I'm sorry, Liv. I thought he knew." She puts her elbows on her desk and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Knew what? What the hell is going on? A video of Liv?" Elliot is firing questions left and right, but something catches his eye. Cragen's face didn't look surprised. "You knew, Cap? What kind of video is it?" He now is firing questions at Cragen.
"What difference does it make?" Olivia is still pinching the bridge of her nose with her hand covering her mouth. They barely heard her whisper, but it stopped Elliot's line of questioning. "What?" He looked at her.
She inhaled a deep breath, "What difference does it make?" She finally looked up at the three men who she knew were just concerned, but it didn't stop her feeling like they invaded her privacy. "If I say he raped me, what are you going to do? Dig him out of the grave and read him his Miranda Rights?" She placed her chin in her hand. "It was over ten years ago." she sighs, "So the only thing bringing this up is going to accomplish is building a lack of confidence in my team... Causing them to wonder if I can still do my job."
Everyone's heart breaks at her words. No one could say anything. They all could see the pain in her eyes. Something that's been there since Lewis took her, but now it seems even more evident. Finally Cragen speaks up asking a question he already knew the answer to, "So he raped you, Olivia?" Elliot's breath hitched in his throat. He already knows the answer, but he still has yet to actually hear her say the words.
She scratched her forehead and sighed and then looked back up at the three men, "Yea… he did" she finally admitted with tears gathering at the brim of her eyes.
Soooo... What do ya think? I can sense some light coming soon... I promise lol. Please leave a review if you'd like.