Chapter 29

Barba had called and said The Doctor was being arraigned late that afternoon. It was the holiday weekend and since the courts were closed tomorrow and this is a high-profile case, the arraignment wouldn't wait. The whole squad, minus their two leaders were present with Fin front and center. Barba decided not to call Elliot or Olivia. If Carlson was pleading guilty, this would only take 5 minutes, a waste of time away from their daughter; besides, they probably just got home. Carlson stood nonchalantly next to his attorney when the judge asked for his plea.

"Not guilty, your honor" he stated loudly.

"What?!" Fin shouted as he stood, surrounded by loud murmurs. The judge banged her gavel and Rollins pulled Fin's arm until he sat.

"I will not tolerate any outbursts in my courtroom, detective" she said before turning her attention to The Doctor. "Mr. Carlson, I was under the impression that you told the ADA that you were pleading guilty to the aforementioned charges. Are you changing your plea?"

"Yes, your honor. I was attacked in that interrogation room, my life threatened. I would have said anything to keep them away from me. Now that I have had a change to reflect and understand my rights, I am telling this court that I am indeed not guilty of such heinous charges. I want to have my day in court."

"Your honor" interrupted Barba. "I was present at the interrogation and I can assure you that Dr. Carlson's rights were not violated, and he was never in any danger…" he didn't get to finish before Carlson's attorney interjected.

"You call having an enraged lieutenant almost strangle him to death while being handcuffed, unable to defend himself not being in any danger?"

Before Barba could respond, the judge spoke. "Save it. Your plea is so noted. I am assuming you are asking for remand Mr. Barba?" When he answered in the affirmative, she continued. "Granted. Dr. Carlson, you will be remanded to Rikers pending trial, date to be set as soon as possible. Dismissed."

Everyone was in shock. As soon as the gavel was pounded, voices rose above one another, all speaking in protest and disbelief. Fin watched as they dragged Carlson away, smirking as he walked.

"Mother fucker!" he exclaimed.

"Look" said Barba. "There's nothing we can do except go over the evidence and get all the information we can, starting with that child. Build our case, make sure it is airtight. If I could make him fry, I would." He saw all the disappointed and shocked faces. "You do your jobs and I'll do mine. We will make that puta madre pay.

He was right. Right now, they were stuck. Everyone would do what was needed, but first, Fin had to call Jersey.

"Hello?" said Elliot as he breathed heavily into the phone. He had just finished hitting the heavy bag in the garage. He had to hit something after seeing all that.

"Arraignment's over" said Fin and he decided to keep it short and to the point. "He changed his plea, El. Said he's not guilty. Held at Rikers until trial."

"What else Fin?"

"Ya know Barba is gonna need to know everything. He's not going to settle for anymore bits and pieces. Serena is gonna haveta testify. I'm sorry man." And he was sorry. He didn't want to see his favorite kid have to sit in the same room with that fucker and listen to all that shit. She lived it once, she shouldn't have to relive it in front of a room full of strangers.

Elliot sighed. He needed to get back to the bag before he drove to Queens and finished off what he started in the interrogation room. "It's okay Fin. Thanks for letting me know. One more thing: go home. Leave all your shit on your desk and don't even think of returning until Monday. You deserve more but for now this is all the break I can give you." He wanted to convey his gratitude for all that the detective has done for Serena, for Liv, and in turn for him. He just wasn't that type and after the afternoon he had, he couldn't muster it.

Fin knew, he heard it in the silence. "Thanks man. Look, you enjoy your family this weekend" he said as he ended the call. No one had to tell him twice, so he told Carisi and Rollins to hold down the fort and he took off.

Elliot however had to tell Olivia that she would have to break her promise. She told Serena she wouldn't have to be in the courtroom, and now not only would she have to tell her story, she would have to do it in front of him and a full court. He decided to wait until Sunday to tell them both since there was no need to ruin everyone's weekend. As far as they were concerned right now, it was over, and he was going to keep up the charade. He went back to hitting the bag.

Inside, Bernie had been cooking the entire time, trying to stay out of the way and the smell alone is what brought Olivia out of the bathroom. She heard Serena's stomach growl and hers joined in. After all, they both vomited out of emotion, not illness.

"This is dinner you two so noses out of the pots" Bernie admonished. "I made your favorite for a late lunch because I know you both must be hungry." When they turned towards the table, they saw two steaming bowls of tomato soup next to perfectly cooked grilled cheese sandwiches. It put a smile on their faces as they simultaneously reached over to kiss Bernie's cheeks. She shooed them away with the dish towel and they sat to eat.

"Gramma, where's Elliot?" questioned Serena after seeing only two place settings.

"In the garage dear. He felt the need to hit something and after almost smashing my countertop, I sent him to set up his punching bag."

"I'll go out there" Liv said as she started to get up.

"You will do no such thing dear" said Bernie, stopping Liv mid-stand. "My son rages at things, we all know that. You cried, he punched. He has to deal with it and calm himself down. He hasn't been in there long so give him some time to work it out. Now eat, the both of you."

Liv was struck at that. The way Bernie spoke to her was so loving, so...familial. "Yes, ma'am" was all she could say as she began to eat. Serena looked at her with raised eyebrows and an expression that mocked saying "you got in trouble" and "what on earth was that?" Liv started to giggle causing her daughter to join while they enjoyed their comfort lunch.

It was about 45 minutes later when Elliot entered the living room, beer in hand. Liv was going through case files trying to see how to tie up any loose ends while Serena and Bernie sat doing a puzzle. Technically, Serena was feeling the edges sine she couldn't make them out with any picture clarity. Liv looked up immediately when she heard him enter and her eyes went wide. He was bare chested and covered in sweat; his jeans were tight; his knuckles were bloody, and his chest was heaving. Damn! He looked hot, sexy, and Liv was caught up on the sight of him. Sure, they've been intimate these past few days, but she's never been able to openly focus on him like this. She was filled with...want. He seemed oblivious however as he tilted his beer to his lips, downing half in one gulp.

"Momma you're drooling" teased Serena. That caught Elliot's attention. He looked over and Liv quickly turned her head back to her papers, her mouth open like she was trying to hide an embarrassed smile. Despite everything that happened today, moments like this were too good to pass up, so he didn't.

"Like what you see, eh?" he teased as he flexed his arms up showing off his muscles. He was making such a face that Serena burst into a fit of giggles, Bernie jokingly admonished her son, and Liv's face turned four shades redder. He walked over to where she was sitting. She finally looked up, not sure of his intentions when he suddenly bent down and grabbed her in a bear hug, lifting her off the couch. He rubbed his wet face and neck all over her and held her tight while she struggled and protested.

"Ewwww, El, stop! That so disgusting!" she screamed as their daughter bent over in laughter.

"You didn't look disgusted a few moments ago" he teased just before his mouth landed on hers. When he came up for air, and Liv was gasping herself, he made a confession. "It's just rain luv. I was standing outside for a bit and it's still coming down pretty hard." This caused her to smile with a scrunched-up nose, which he promptly kissed and put her down.

She slapped his chest and pushed him back. "It's still gross, El. Go take a shower!" He went to turn when he realized that Serena was still giggling. He walked towards her. When she saw what he was going to do, she screamed in laughter and ran, but there was nowhere to hide, and she wasn't really trying. He caught her easily, although she was still so fast and hugged her in much the same way. It took a moment, but the laughter stopped, her body went rigid, and her eyes went wide and glazed over. Elliot put her down immediately and Liv was right there. "What happened baby? Talk to me" she pleaded.

She was taking short breaths through her mouth. "Elliot smells. His breath smells like…" she frowned and looked like she was desperately trying to stay in the moment. Liv turned her head and gave Elliot a quick sniff.

"He smells like sweat...and beer? Is that it baby, the beer?" Her answer came in the form of a slow nod and Elliot quickly backed away.

"They were always drinking...all the bottles open...spilling all over...their breaths." She cleared her throat and squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them, she took a deep breath and forced a smile onto her face. "You stink daddy. Momma's right, it's gross!" Elliot felt terrible but if she was trying to joke to cope, he would play along. He made an exaggerated "fine" face with a sigh. Before he turned away, he remembered something and reached into his pocket. She had such a look of surprise on her face that it was his turn to laugh. He couldn't do anything about the crack in her lens, but he was able to fix the middle of her glasses, without the use of duct tape, so she could wear them until she got another pair. He handed them to Olivia so he wouldn't get close to Serena again until he showered and brushed his teeth. She put them on and blinked to adjust. He didn't realize how bad her eyesight was until he had to look through the glasses to make sure the alignment was correct. Watching her now, he knew it must have been like coming out of a thick fog into clear skies. She looked up at him. "I thought I lost them when the waves knocked them off. Thank you, now please go shower."

-SVU-

After Bernie retired to her room for the night, Elliot came out of the bedroom from taking a phone call. He sat on the couch next to Olivia. It had finally stopped raining, but Serena was still inside writing on the couch.

"That was Kathy. July is my month with Eli. I explained things and he's going to come out for three weeks in August instead." His eyes looked far away.

"Oh Elliot. You didn't have to do that. You get so little time with him as it is. Serena and I could…" Liv began before Elliot cut her off.

"You can what Liv? Go back to your apartment? She'll be so uncomfortable there after being out here with the water and the sunshine and the freedom to just go outside whenever and sleep under the stars. No Olivia. I made a promise, and nothing is going to cause me to break it. Besides, Eli has been wanting to go to this baseball camp that Kathy has been denying him because of our time. Now he can go be happy, and we can continue to heal." Serena, who was watching and listening intently, walked over to him.

"I'm sorry Elliot. I never want to get in the way of your children, but Momma's right. We could go back to the city so you can have Eli. Central Park is right there and it's full of open spaces. You shouldn't sacrifice anything because I can't...because I don't…"

He grabbed her to him and held her tight to his side. She never hugged him full on and he could certainly understand why. "Four of my children are grown with children of their own, well at least one anyway. And you forget, you are my child too and you need me right now. You need a sense of security, a sense of normalcy, not a house full of chaos. Eli wasn't too sad, especially since he could play baseball now. He'd rather be on his game than out in the water anyway. He will visit, just later." Serena looked sad and so did her mother and Elliot was pained by that. He was formulating a reply when his phone buzzed once again.

"Hey Maureen. Everything okay?" He had just seen all three of his girls the other night so for Maureen to call again was a surprise. "Dammit I forgot! Shit. Ummm, hold on baby." Both Bensons looked at him questioning. "Tomorrow is the fourth of July" he began, and he could see both of them doing the calculations in their heads. They all lost track of time. "The kids usually come out here to hang out, swim, barbeque, and watch the fireworks display. I totally forgot to cancel."

"Why would you cancel?" interrupted Serena just as Liv was about to ask the same question. Elliot furrowed his brow and he looked dumbfounded. "I mean, if this is what they always do, then you should continue. Don't change your plans for me, you already pushed Eli back. It's only one day Elliot. I can do it."

Elliot looked to Liv who was watching her daughter in awe. "If she gets overwhelmed and the company or anything gets to be too much, she and I will take a quiet break. Go ahead El. You said we all needed to heal and this is a step in the right direction." She was holding Serena's hand and they were both looking at him. He went back to his phone.

Liv watched him intently. "Hey Maur, sorry. Yeah, noon sounds good. I'll get the burgers and hot dogs going and the usual setup only I already told your mom that I can't have Eli until Aug..." He must have been interrupted because he got silent. "Really? O...Okay baby. Yeah. I love you too. See you tomorrow, drive safe."

He got a wistful smile on his face as he hung up the phone. "Kathy called her immediately. Marcus is driving up to Connecticut right now to get Eli so he can enjoy the day with us. He'll spend tonight and tomorrow with them and they'll bring him home on Saturday." He got quiet again and Olivia leaned over to kiss him.

"See, now you'll have your whole family with you" Liv said as she laid her head on his shoulder. He opened his other arm and Serena walked in for a side hug.

-SVU-

It was hours after Olivia and Elliot had gone to bed, still with the door open. Serena had to convince Olivia she would make an attempt to relax in just a little while because it had finally stopped raining and she needed some air. Otherwise her mother would still be up with her and although she hated being alone, she hated keeping her mother awake more. After all, Liv was on the same emotional rollercoaster, only a different track. She didn't lie, she was sitting outside in the fresh air, but there was no way in hell she would willingly fall asleep. While she was sitting on the patio with her journal and sketchpad, Serena was deep in thought. Funny how things can change in an instant. Ms. Gladys helped me feel a bit better without pills. Elliot came home last night and said this is where we're going to live from now on. Then that chief called and ruined the morning. God I thought I was going to pee all over the precinct floor again. The Doctor was there, talking to me! He said things that I can tell embarrassed Momma, but I wonder if they're true. She told me about sex, but are we really that much alike? I'm so confused about that whole thing.

He got so close! I could feel the rage coming off of Elliot and Momma squeezed my hand just as hard as I did hers. I am infected. That's what he said and damn I know he's right! Elliot put the cream on and Momma crushed the pills in juice but, I still don't feel right. I'll never forget the look on her face when she saw my scars. It wasn't how I imagined it. Yeah she was shocked, horrified, and disgusted; I mean she did throw up but I don't think she was disgusted with me. I really think she was just sickened by what was done to me. I wonder if I can tell her a bit. That might be too much. I don't want to upset her anymore.

The Stablers are coming over tomorrow, well, later today. There are so many of them and they are all so loud and rowdy and they don't know that I am their sister. Will Elliot ever tell them? Will they hate him for it? Will they hate me or Momma? I don't want that. They can hate me all they want, but neither Momma nor Elliot had any control that night. They were violated and I hate using that word, but it is true. They were made to do something they wouldn't have normally done. Yes, they loved each other even then but they never would have had sex if The Doctor didn't drug them. Truth be told, I'm not sure that I'm glad he did. I wouldn't be here, but I wouldn't have suffered either. Momma and Elliot might have finally figured it out how in love they were and maybe have had me eventually, but things would have been way different.

Going to the precinct was okay even though there are hundreds of people there, because Uncle Fin always keeps me separate and focuses just on me. How will I be able to focus tomorrow? I don't want to be around Elliot's family honestly. You can tell they all really love each other and from what I remember, they all tease but get along really well and that's great, I just can't handle it when I am barely holding myself together. They'll all stare or put on fake faces to try and not upset me. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, I can do that enough for everyone. If I stay inside, then Momma will too and that's not fair to her. I know how much she cares for all the Stablers. Gramma and Elliot would also stay inside with me but again...I guess I'll suck it up. Maybe if I write things down like this, it'll be easier. If I sit and write, no one will ask me any questions and they can feel free to ignore me to have fun. Writing is using your words to convey messages so if I write the hard stuff down and Momma reads it...yeah that might work.

She was still writing when Bernie came outside with a glass of orange juice in hand. "Please tell me you at least took a nap." When Serena looked up with guilt in her eyes, Bernie sighed and passed over the juice.

"Thanks" she said sipping the juice. "I got lost writing. I used to write about a lot of things but of course not since...and then the girls gave me this journal, and I had no idea what to write! Now, I do."

"Will you read some to me?" Bernie asked drinking her coffee.

Serena shook her head. "I'm sorry Gramma. Not right now, but maybe soon. Is that okay?" The last time she said no to her grandmother she got scolded by her mother.

"Of course darling! I've told you before, you don't have to share anything that you don't want to. I know how you feel. When I am painting, I get lost in the picture and I don't want anyone looking over my shoulder until it is signed."

"Mornin' Ma" greeted Elliot yawning. "Morning angel. Did you sleep?" It was always the first question he asked. She gave him the same look she gave Bernie not five minutes ago and he got his answer. "We are gonna have a very busy day today and you told your mother that you would rest." He knew he couldn't accuse nor push or force her to lay down and sleep, he just needed her to see the importance of it.

Bernie saw Serena's face fall and steered the conversation elsewhere. "What makes today hectic?" She was already in bed when Maureen called to make arrangements.

"It's the fourth of July Ma. The kids are all coming out as usual. I hope that's still okay with you?" He realized that he has been taking command of the decisions of his mother's house a lot lately when he should always defer to her.

"It's Independence Day already? Oh my! I've been so caught up this past week that it totally slipped my mind. Serena, are you up for the Stabler invasion? It can get quite hectic and it lasts well into the night. How do you feel about that?" Of course she wanted to see her grandkids and Maureen's little boy, but not if it made Serena uncomfortable in any way.

"It's okay Gramma. I've already told Elliot that we should try and keep everything as routine as possible as Momma suggested. I'll be okay." She tried to keep her voice as even and calm as possible. She's had a lot of practice faking it.

"Well since we all forgot, I have to hit the supermarket to get barbeque supplies. Ma, any requests?"

As Bernie shook her head, Serena spoke up. "I need new bandages, wraps and honey please."

"You got it. Now go lay down with your mother" he ordered only half joking. He wanted her to at least lay down without reading, drawing, or worrying. He hoped that if she laid down for a minute, that her exhaustion would win out and allow her to get at least a few hours of sleep.

When Bernie announced that she was going to start "getting the house in order", Serena walked into her parents' room to find Olivia just waking up. She crawled into bed next to her and since Liv was still in that half-sleep, not wanting to accept it is time to wake up stage, she wrapped her arms around her daughter and closed her eyes once again. Serena could tell that she easily went back to sleep and she was glad. If she remembered correctly, and she always did, Olivia was always nervous when they spent time with the Stabler children, even though they weren't children anymore. She once told Casey that she felt like a mistress trying to insinuate herself as the new matriarch. She had to look that one up but knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth.

As she laid there listening to Olivia lightly snoring (not the deep, loud, from the gut snoring that came out of Elliot) she thought of all the ways she could talk to her mother. She really wanted to tell her mother everything now that she saw the scars, she just didn't know how. Her eyes started to drift close and her breathing slowed but before sleep could pull her under, she heard the truck door slam, followed by another car door and yelling. She and Olivia both sat upright, and the day began.

-SVU-

Serena's room was at the end of the hall across from Bernie's. Someone would have to walk past Olivia's room to use the bathroom, but not hers. This is where she sat looking out the window ever since she watched Olivia quickly dress while swearing under her breath and go out to meet their "very early" guests about 90 minutes ago.

"Are you going to hide in here all day?" The voice coming from behind made her jump as she whipped around. "I'm sorry!" apologized Kathleen, the most outgoing of the Stabler children in Serena's mind. "I didn't mean to scare you. I was just wondering if you were ever gonna come out and hang with us?"

Serena had been contemplating that very question since she found out they were coming yesterday. She liked all of Elliot's children and they always made her and her mother feel welcome, like family, but now that she knows the truth, she wasn't sure if they would still feel that way once they found out. Plus, she may have hated the silence when it was quiet, but the volume of the litany of those five voices was something she dreaded. However, she knew she couldn't stand here in silence ignoring Kathleen's question.

"You guys want me to hang out with you?" She was always on the outskirts of friendships, even as a young child. The other children wouldn't actively engage her in play because she had a tendency to point out all the mistakes or spout some random knowledge. When she was old enough to figure that out, she of course stopped and just played along, but it wasn't fun for her. Her mother always said never diminish yourself for someone else. People should like you for who you are, all of you. Yes, that was true, but unhelpful when kids begrudgingly include you because they are forced to, and you end up playing next to them rather than with them.

Kathleen seemed surprised at that question. "Of course! You used to hang out with us all the time. And now that you're finally old enough to be cool, suddenly you don't want to? Fine!" she said as she turned to leave. Serena had an idea that she was kidding, or using reverse psychology or something, but she wasn't good at reading people anymore and she didn't want them to think she didn't want to.

"No wait!" she shouted and ran towards the door at just the same moment Kathleen came back in, causing them to collide. "Oh!" they both exclaimed but Serena was the unbalanced one and she ended up landing on her backside. When she saw the look of horror on Kathleen's face, she couldn't help but chuckle.

"Are you okay?" the blonde asked as a smile formed on her face as well. She bent down to help Serena up when she noticed that the young girl's sleeve had been pushed up, revealing all the scars on her left arm. The laughter immediately ceased when Kathleen took hold of Serena's elbow. Neither girl pulled away and Serena sat watching her examination. Kathleen sat cross legged in front of her and removed the watch from her wrist. "I admire you. I can't imagine what you've gone through, Dad never said anything don't worry and the news is full of shit. But I wanted to give up once." She showed Serena her wrist which had a raised scar across. "I kept thinking, 'life sucks' and I figured I could just make it stop. Instead, I ended up getting arrested, going to rehab, medication, rehab again." She chuckled but there was no humor in it. "It's still a battle but I see these..." she said pointing to Serena's wrist…"and I am put to shame. You are so strong and what right did I have to think my life was so horrible when you survived literal hell?"

"You can't compare Kathleen. What happened to me is seriously atypical, something no one would ever imagine. Whatever you were going through, that's how you felt, and you have every right to your feelings. Momma says no one can tell you that what you're feeling is wrong and no two people react to a situation the same way." She stopped abruptly when Lizzie appeared in the doorway.

"You always were too smart for your own good. Olivia must be very proud. I'm proud to know you. I remember meeting you after one of my soccer games. You had just gotten out of the hospital and Dad kept telling Olivia that you needed air and socialization, so he dragged the two of you along. I knew you were still in pain, but you tried your best to keep it to yourself. I remember banging a header and thinking, "God now I have a headache and I just want to be sidelined" but then looking over and seeing you smiling so your mom wouldn't worry made me realize how selfish I was being. Kat, you scared the shit out of me when you did that" Lizzie said as she pointed to her sister's wrist.

"Believe me when I say that I am definitely not the poster girl for positivity or self-control" Serena said trying to steer attention away from her and the dark conversation. "Lizzie, if your head hurts, it's not selfish to stop and take a quiet moment." She had to laugh at that. "Actually, that's something I have to take my own advice for. It's true, I don't want my mom to worry about me hurting, she does enough worrying about me already and these past two years have caused enough worry for her to last three lifetimes. And I am not that strong. I wanted it to end too. Three times. Life, nature, God, something just didn't allow it to happen and..." They all got quiet. "I would very much like to hang out with you all. Let's not…. let's have fun." She extricated her arm from Kathleen's grip and as she stood up, she pulled her sleeve down, hooking her thumb in the hole she made in all her sleeves. She held out both hands and as each girl grabbed hold and stood up, they all smiled.

"Yeah."

"Let's go." Lizzie and Kathleen said in unison as all three girls made their way outside.

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