A/N: Two months! I hang my head in shame for not updating sooner, but I am packing up and leaving good ol' New York and headed south! I hope you will forgive me as I bribe you with an extra-long chapter.
Chapter 37
The next few weeks passed by in much the same fashion. Serena still wouldn't voluntarily sleep and would consequently pass out on the couch, the outside lounge chair, and once right on the patio stairs. Liv would never wake her no matter the time or place, except she did have to move her from the stairs. Bernie had to help with that. Whenever she slept, it was only for a short time before the nightmares would cause her to wake thrashing and screaming bloody murder, shaking so badly her teeth would chatter. It always took some time to quiet her down and convince her that she was no longer in that nightmare. When she was screaming was the only time Olivia heard sounds coming from her daughter as she still refused to speak. It was very disconcerting to say the least. Liv couldn't figure out why and when she returned to the doctor for her post stay check-up, the doctors couldn't figure it out either. Everyone agreed therapy was essential, everyone except Serena. Since leaving the hospital, she had gained weight as well as some color. That was glorious to all who were around her. She spent every day and almost every night outside with Samson and Delilah, her constant companions. Those dogs were almost like an extension of her. She was the only one who could control the unruly puppies and she did it all with signs.
Olivia never had a second thought about leaving her job to help her daughter. She spent every day making sure Serena knew she was here, she was safe, and most importantly, she was loved. There would be moments when a flashback would happen that would drain what energy Serena was able to build and she would stay very close to her mother, but she didn't crawl into bed with her anymore or lean into her while they were sitting and reading. Olivia couldn't understand why she kept her distance. Did Serena blame her for the hospital stay like she did the clinic visit? That seemed unlikely but the renewed distance and silence worried her. At least when she was having a panic attack or a flashback episode Liv had an idea of what was going through her daughter's head. Most nights, Elliot was able to make it home before Bernie retired, others it was close to midnight. Recently he had to spend the entire weekend on the pull-out Cragen left in his office when a multiple kidnapping took place. After that night in Elliot's apartment, she knew she would never be able to go back to having two separate places and not being able to wake up every morning hearing him snore in her ear.
Olivia had three court appearances to make this month and then her caseload would be permanently closed, other than Carlson. Eli was scheduled to come for a three-week visit, but after much deliberation, it was decided between Elliot and Kathy that he would come down only on the weekends through Labor Day. Between Bernie and Olivia doting on Serena, it just wouldn't be fair to the ten-year-old. Plus, the nighttime rituals were a nightmare for everyone. Liv got about as much sleep as her daughter and that was not a lot. Bernie would never admit it, but she was exhausted also. After all, she was older but not yet deaf. She took to napping in the afternoons on the nights that Serena fell asleep and woke up screaming. Liv felt horrible about that. She even offered to take Serena back to Manhattan for the month of August and that almost caused a four-way argument.
Kathleen was coming to spend some time with them instead. She was told about Serena's nightmares, so she is prepared. It will be easier for her to deal with than Eli. The young lady was studying to be a therapist specializing in anxiety and depression. She had an opportunity to take a three-month-long internship at a mental health facility not too far away. It required working seven days a week for the month of August, but since she was currently commuting to Rye from Manhattan, this was a chance for her to salvage her summer and spend time on the beach with family. Kathleen has spent the last week and a half living at the center to get a feel for how it worked. She would now be part of an activities committee and was even able to partake in some group sessions, which she really looked forward to. She would be driving Eli down with her this weekend after going home to gather more things and Elliot would bring him to work on Monday where Kathy's husband will pick him up. They were on a trip to Atlantic City.
Serena was very excited to have her big sister staying. She had Elliot pull in one of the bunk mattresses so that Kathleen could take her bed and she'd stay on the mattress on the floor when Eli wasn't around. No matter what was said, she stood strong and Liv felt it wasn't worth arguing over since she barely slept anyway.
"Oh my God!" the blonde exclaimed as she and her little brother walked onto the patio and were attacked by some very enthusiastic little golden retriever puppies.
"Cool!" shouted Eli. "When did you get puppies? How come we never got puppies?"
"Trust me" said Liv as she came over to hug them both. "They weren't planned. I wasn't even here!"
Serena called off the dogs as she hugged Kathleen and high-fived her little brother.
-SVU-
"Hey kiddo. Want to come with me?" Kathleen walked out of the room in typical Stabler fashion, expecting Serena to automatically follow. It was a grey Saturday and Eli was down by the shore digging a hole with Elliot while Olivia took Bernie shopping. She had spent every possible moment with her daughter so now that a few people were around and Serena wouldn't be left alone, she took the opportunity to step out with the elder Stabler woman. Serena turned to head towards the beach when she realized that Kathleen was headed towards her car. She wasn't sure what that meant. Serena only left the house when Liv took her to the doctor and since that was over, she always just stayed put. Where on earth did Kathleen want to take her?
"Where are you going?" she signed and although Kathleen didn't speak ASL, she understood by the expression on her sister's face.
"I want to show you where I work. I think it may help you" the blonde said simply as she stood holding the car door open. Serena knew she worked at a therapy place and after the experience she had at the hospital, she wanted nothing to do with it. She didn't even like being out in public since it seemed everyone knew who she was. She felt claustrophobic sometimes even when Kathleen and Eli were together with the family. She didn't go near the car; instead she stood back and shook her head.
"Serena, I've been here for a week. You fell asleep once in your room for like three hours and when you woke up, people could probably hear you screaming in China. You konk out on the couch or in the chair and you never let yourself relax. It's not good for you. It's not good for anyone who loves you. I know you've been through hell, well actually I don't know since you haven't said anything. Neither has your mom, or dad, or Grandma and that is part of it. The press tells bullshit stories, but I've seen the scar on your arm, and I know that there is more than one man involved. His trial is coming up and that has to bother you. I think, I think I can help. Just come with me once and listen. You don't have to say a word and I will never leave you alone, just come, see, and listen. We won't be gone long, I promise. Please?"
Serena was torn. She knew she was being a burden on everyone with her unwillingness to close her eyes. When she finally passed out from exhaustion, her body was so tired that it would keep her under far too long and she had to literally fight her way out of her nightmares, which is why she screamed so loud. She learned a long time ago never to make noise and she wished she could get that ability back. Gramma was right when she once said that the brightness comes back each time she tells Momma something. It's like, sharing her secrets leaves a bit of the darkness behind her. She wanted so much to be able to tell Liv everything, but she felt so guilty. Maybe...maybe she could just see what Kathleen means. Her sister wouldn't let anything happen to her. She looked back towards the beach. She couldn't see Elliot or Eli from the driveway, but she knew it was a good day and Momma was finally taking some time for herself. Olivia spent far too much time awake with her. Serena took a deep breath and got in the car.
It wasn't long before Kathleen pulled in front of a massive building and Serena started to breathe quicker. Remembering that Elliot said physical contact grounded her, Kathleen turned to face her and put her hands on the young girl's shoulders, applying some pressure. Together they breathed slowly until Serena was able to get out of the car. Kathleen could tell the girl was shaking, but she didn't hold her again. She led her inside with just the slightest pressure on her lower back. "I promise, an hour from now we'll both be walking back to the car."
Before they entered the building, Serena's phone buzzed. It was a text from Elliot.
-Where are you? Is everything okay?-
"Yes. I'm with Kathleen, and I'm okay. We'll be home in a bit." They walked into a nondescript room that had very comfy looking chairs situated in a circle facing the middle of the room. Several very sullen teenagers walked in and started filling up the chairs. Serena stayed glued to her sister's side when she realized she knew one of the boys. He was Ms. Adelaide's grandson, the one who gave her the puppies. Great. Lovely. Fucking wonderful. When there were only two chairs left, Kathleen led Serena to one while she sat next to her in the other.
"Good afternoon everyone" greeted a very odd-looking woman. Her features were average but what made her odd was the way she carried herself. She seemed to be in her forties (Serena thought she was older than Rollins but younger than her mother), black hair that hung straight down, blunt bangs, a long, flowy flowered skirt, a short sleeved white blouse with puffy sleeves and a vest that seemed to be made out of straw. She had all kinds of beads, necklaces, and bracelets dangling from everywhere and she was barefoot, so she sat with her feet tucked under her. Serena liked her on first sight. It was as if this woman was here to do a job, whatever that job was, and it didn't matter if she looked what everyone considered to be professional because she would be effective regardless. She still didn't know why she was here. What did Kathleen hope to accomplish in this weird classroom?
"I am Rachel and I say that because we have a few new faces with us today. Welcome back to Kathleen (who smiled and gave a general wave) and welcome to you all." Aside from Serena's impromptu visit (that Kathleen had prearranged of course), there were two new girls who would be residents for a bit and a new boy who was considered an outpatient. "This is a safe place, free of judgment, ridicule, and blame. You are free to speak your feelings using any words you choose that are not derogatory or demeaning. We all take turns speaking and we try to stay as calm as possible, although sometimes we just need to let out some steam. The only other rule we have here is that everyone speaks; no one gets away with sitting in silence."
Serena's head turned towards her sister so fast it would have made most people dizzy. She wasn't even a patient here! These were strangers and there was no way in hell she was opening her mouth. The look she gave her sister caused the blonde to look visibly uncomfortable. Rachel noticed.
"I know that you are only visiting. Therapy has not been ordered but it is recommended so consider this a test run. Having said that, you are not required to share anything today, but you are of course free to do so." That made Serena able to release her breath and sink a bit into her chair. She was going to kill Kathleen. Moreover, Olivia was going to kill her. She brought her to therapy alone and without her mother's knowledge! She didn't have time to plan her sister's demise as Rachel was still talking and since she was always a good student, she tried to pay attention. "Today, in light of all the newbies we will discuss why we are here. What caused the damage? Yes, I know for some that is a harsh word, a word to deny but it is not meant as an accusation. You will learn that here, in this circle, we don't censor ourselves. Today, we will discuss your first time. Your first time for what, is up to you but it has to relate to why we are all here. Our regulars have come to terms with their assaults and have openly discussed their experiences so we will start with them. It's always a good idea to revisit the beginning to continue to move towards the future. On average, sexual assault happens to someone only once but for this group, well you are all here because you have suffered on a number of occasions."
One by one a few of the kids that seemed to be there a while told their stories, or some parts of their stories. They were all equally horrifying, boys and girls. Serena sat and listened, mesmerized at how familiar it all seemed. Some asked questions or added comments or statements of support. Some cried while they spoke while others cried as they listened. Serena was so caught up that when Salomon, the puppy boy, a very well-built kid with long dreadlocks was describing how his family reacted when they found out about his abuse by his coach, he paused for in thought.
"Blame" Serena continued for him as he nodded in agreement. Whoa! Where did that come from? Kathleen was shocked since she hadn't made a sound since she passed out in Liv's lap a month ago. Serena was more surprised than anyone, but she didn't say anything more as he finished his story.
Rachel turned to Serena. "Thanks for contributing. It's nice that you felt comfortable to jump in. Would you like to share something else? About yourself maybe. It doesn't have to be heavy." Serena turned to Kathleen and then looked back at Rachel. "I understand it may be weird to speak with your sister listening in but I can assure you, Kathleen is bound by our code of confidentiality both here and at home; however since I've never had family members sit in on group therapy sessions, I can have her leave the room just this once?" Serena nodded. She felt bad about having Kathleen leave, after all it was her idea to bring her here, but no family member was going to hear anything before her mother did. Kathleen nodded, stood and rubbed Serena's shoulder in support on her way out.
It took a few minutes for Serena to gather her thoughts, especially since every pair of eyes were now on her. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Why couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut?! "I-I-Iffff you w-w-watch the news, you know who I am. Mmmmy name is Serena." Damn! Calm down. You're making a fool of yourself with the stutter! "I'mmmmm sssorry. When I g-get nervous, my words…" Breathe. "I didn't want to speak in front of my sister because I made a promise that the first person to hear anything about what happened would be my mom. The last two statements she got second hand from the police recordings and that's just not fair to her, to either of us. Knowing that, if I can get through this, I will go home and repeat everything to her, so she knows from me and no one else.
"I was kidnapped two years ago from my middle school. I don't remember exactly how it happened, only waving goodbye to my mom and then, then I opened my eyes to darkness. At first, I kept thinking "stupid, your eyes are still closed, that's why you can't see." But no, once I realized that my throat was killing me and my head was pounding, I knew that I was wide awake, in total darkness." Once she began to speak, the words flowed out surprisingly easy. Maybe it was because she had a specific directive, tell about the first time. More likely it was because she NEEDED to tell someone something. I can do this.
"You know how people say, "Oh I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face!?" Well, they really have no clue, but I do. It was the day after my birthday in April and I was freezing. Since I was rarely sick, the headache and nausea were all new and bothersome. I sat there wondering what the hell happened when suddenly there was a loud noise and light coming from above. A door opened from above me and I realized I was in a cave of sorts. I came to learn later that it wasn't a cave, but a room dug out of dirt, just dirt like you would dig out an inground pool only smaller, just for me. Anyway, a ladder was thrown down and an older man stepped onto it, closing the door over his head, but he had a lantern. He seemed so happy to see me. He kept calling me "Heaven" and when I tried to tell him my name is Serena, he slapped me. My mother never even raised her voice let alone her hands and the men in my life would kill anyone who tried to touch me. Oh, I should mention my parents are cops, sex crimes detectives technically. Ironic. Anyway, the slap was like being hit with a brick." She got silent for a moment. "Now I know that slap was just a tender touch compared to what was to come."
Serena took a breath and continued to look at the floor as she spoke. "He was a big man, not exactly tall but he had a big belly. I used to love wearing dresses, with perfect tights and shiny shoes. I guess that hasn't changed too much!" she chuckled a bit as she looked down at the dress she was wearing. Only now, she wore leggings underneath and if she wasn't barefoot (well at least wearing socks) she always had on sneakers. "He took one hand and pulled my dress right up over my head. Then he tore off my stockings, taking my panties with them. Momma always told me about how no one should see your private parts unless you love them or they're a doctor. She was partially right; he was indeed a doctor." She cleared her throat and continued. Everyone in the room was silent. "He shoved me down on the ground which was so cold since it was just dirt and he laid down on top of me. I couldn't breathe. I had an accident when I was little that weakened my lungs, so they aren't that strong to begin with and all his weight was on my front. He held my arms over my head with one hand and with the other he pulled down his pants.
"We just had this lesson in school where they separated the boys from the girls and talked about puberty and reproduction. Do they do that in schools here too?" she asked, chancing a look up and when every head in the room nodded, she continued. "My mother and I discussed it further when I got home since she was special victims and she needed to impart every ounce of truth and knowledge that she could so I knew about sex and rape but what was never explained was how it would feel. He sat up a bit and held his penis in his hand. "Tell me Heaven, isn't this perfect? You're in for a real treat. This is meant to be. Not only do you get to see one of the things that makes me special, you get to experience all that it can do" he said. I'd never seen a penis before other than that weird drawing that they show in the school video. He laid back down on top of me and I didn't have a chance to catch my breath when I was stabbed between my legs. That's what it felt like when he rammed his penis inside, hard. He did it over and over until he was sweaty and grunting. I thought I was going to die, be ripped apart from the inside out. I kept thinking, people do this for pleasure? I'm dying. I knew I was bleeding and I could feel the ripping, the tearing inside each time he shoved. It didn't last long, thankfully. He actually apologized for it being so quick. He said he had been waiting my whole life and it must've gotten the best of him. He finally rolled off me and smiled, laughed even. I just laid there and cried. I'm not a crier either, never had much reason to be. I still don't…" She cleared her throat and looked up at Rachel when she realized that she told that part with her eyes closed. "He did it again a short time later, and again after that for a long time. When he realized that I got cut up on some rocks and branches that stuck up from the dirt, he "fixed me up." I'd rather not explain exactly what that entailed. Anyway, that was my first time."
After a few silent moments of some teenagers staring at her and some looking down or had their eyes closed as well, Salomon spoke up. "Well shit. Everyone in this room was violated more than once but you, in that one day, got fucked up more than some people in this room in total. I gotta say, the fact that you're sitting here talking about it like you're ordering a pizza is awesome." Awesome? What is he…? As she looked around, most of the kids were nodding. They were able to relate in one way or another, each was different, but they had this in common. "I'm Salomon. It means peace and calm. Much like Serena." It is definitely not what Serena would have liked to bond with, but she did feel a bit of a bond, like Bernie said, something was lifted. She gave a small grin and went back to memorizing the floor pattern.
"Gianna, please go tell Kathleen she can come back in" ordered Rachel before addressing Serena. "Thank you everyone for sharing. For some, this is old hat and speaking about first experiences of abuse comes a lot easier. For our newcomers, relaying that first experience might still be fresh and the hardest thing you've done since surviving it. How do you all feel?" Serena had to think about that while Kathleen reclaimed her seat.
How do I feel? She didn't really know yet, so she shrugged and made a 'whatever' face, pretty much like everyone else, which made her feel like not so much of an outsider anymore. "Can I come back again?" Wait, what? Where did that come from? Kathleen was surprised by that question, not knowing what was said while she waited outside for longer than expected, but Rachel simply smiled.
"We'll talk after. Okay everyone. We regroup in three days; I will see each of you in my office at some point before then. Remember to keep one new journal entry before we speak. Have a good day everyone!" As the teens who knew the routine walked out, Serena, along with the two new girls and boy, stood up and looked around, not knowing what happens next. For the girls, another woman came in to escort them somewhere since this place was to be their new home for a while. Rachel pulled the boy away to speak privately while Kathleen spoke to Serena.
"I wasn't expecting that. I'm proud of you." She gently punched Serena's arm playfully as Rachel made her way over.
"Serena, I would love for you to join our group sessions, maybe even some private sessions as well." When Serena's eyes grew wide, Rachel didn't falter, but she didn't push either. "Today was a special circumstance. When Kathleen asked if you could come observe, it was completely unprecedented. This type of therapy is usually emergency doctor or court mandated and not for public display. This isn't AA after all. When I realized who you were, I thought that I could help in some way. It's so wonderful how you just jumped in and shared. You looked like you surprised yourself. Let's say we meet with your parents on Monday around 8am? It's early I know but I have a packed schedule and we cannot allow you to continue without getting permissions, forms, you know about paperwork. Would that be okay?" Serena smiled and nodded. She suddenly felt a tremendous wanting to be here and talk to these people again. "Great. Kathleen, you are on duty this afternoon so why don't you take your sister home and when you return, I'm sure Dr. Feshmon will want to speak to you about ethics. Good day ladies."
"Shit" Kathleen mumbled under her breath before leading Serena out to the car. It was about 90 minutes later than when they pulled in, but Serena felt lighter and she knew what her next move was going to be. She remained silent on the car ride home and Kathleen was lost in her own thoughts. Asking to bring Serena was unconventional but Rachel agreed. What wasn't explained was that the girl's parents had no idea that she was there. There was no consent, no prescription so to speak and technically bringing her today was completely unethical. She was in trouble after less than two weeks on the job, but when Serena spoke, she shared and when she asked to come back, well that made everything worth it, even if she lost the internship.
-SVU-
Elliot and Eli were deep in conversation about going to the go-kart track. He and Liv were waiting for Serena to come back. When she and Bernie came back from their shopping trip, she was extremely surprised not to find her daughter home. In fact, she seemed more than a little upset by it. Not that Serena would actually go to the track, but Elliot vowed to include them both in everything and he would keep that promise. The clouds had rolled in, it was lightly raining, and just like the rest of his blonde children, his ten-year-old never knew how to entertain himself outside of a video game. Liv's attention was focused on the road leading towards the house, they were gone for quite a long time. She had immediately tried Serena's cell, but it went straight to voicemail which meant it was turned off. Olivia assumed her daughter knew never to turn the phone off but since they didn't technically have that conversation, she would have to make sure the girl understood that the phone was their lifeline to each other.
Where the hell did Kathleen take her? Serena never wanted to be in public so what was Kathleen thinking? Why the fuck didn't Elliot know where they went? Serena said she was fine, but she probably didn't want to make her sister feel bad. Liv had no such compulsion and would definitely be having a chat with one of her favorite blondes. She let out the breath she was holding as Kat's car rolled down the street. Olivia curbed the urge to go run and greet them; instead she stayed put, waiting. Before she knew what was happening, the dogs were barking like maniacs and she saw the car's taillights head back towards the gate. Sneaky girl did a drop and run! Well, there's always later.
When the front door opened, all discussion stopped, and everyone turned towards the young brunette. She looked a bit shell shocked and self-conscious as she crossed the room, signaled for the dogs to quiet down, which they immediately did, grabbed her mother's hand, and pulled her towards her bedroom. Liv didn't hesitate and Elliot decided a trip to the go-kart track wasn't a bad idea after all, just to keep his son occupied and give the Bensons time to...whatever.
The ladies sat on the bed in much the same way they sat that day on the side of the road, cross-legged, facing each other. Liv studied her daughter, curious as to her whereabouts before and what she was thinking/feeling now. She was screaming inside to tell her to speak, sign, something; tell her anything but she resisted and sat silently, giving Serena time. She watched as her daughter closed her eyes and bowed her head, seemingly having an internal debate before jumping up, grabbing Liv's phone, and setting it up to record. This surprised Liv but she made no comment either way. Liv put her hands out, palms facing up. Serena took what she offered and grabbed her hands, pulling them up to her forehead and releasing a few staggered breaths.
"I broke a promise" she said, barely whispering so that if Olivia wasn't so close and so acutely tuned in, she wouldn't have known she spoke. She was thrilled to hear Serena's voice again but was concerned with what she was saying.
"What promise, sweetie?"
Serena spoke up, now looking at her mother instead of her knees. "I made a promise to you, well maybe it was to me, or the universe but I promised that I wouldn't say anything else about my time away unless I told you first. You had to hear the recordings twice from Uncle Fin, but it should have been me. You love me more than anyone and you were hurting like I was, am, differently but hurting and you deserve to hear everything first." She gripped Olivia's hands and put them by her mouth and closed her eyes. Liv could feel her breath come in short bursts. The room was silent, waiting for her to continue. "Don't be mad, well you can be mad at Kathleen because it wasn't her place, but don't be mad. Wait…" She shook her head in obvious confusion, so Liv spoke up.
"Why don't you just tell me what happened, and I'll be the judge of who to be mad at, or not. Okay?"
Serena seemed to think about that and nodded, finding her mother's gaze and holding it. "Kathleen asked if I wanted to see her new job at the hospital. Actually, that's not how she put it, she kinda worded it weirdly and tricked me into getting in the car. Anyway, we walked into a room that had group therapy. There were all these teenagers, not as young as me, just a little bit older but not quite grown-ups and we all sat around a circle. Kathleen arranged my visit with the therapist, so I was expected by everyone but me…and you. Since there were three other new kids, she had everyone discuss the first time abuse took place, as much or as little as we wanted to share. Momma, their stories have similarities to some of my days while I was away. The kids who have been in group for a while talked like they told the story hundreds of times and the new kids spoke quietly and not much. When one boy was talking, he was a boy that's been there a while but he doesn't live there, he was trying to explain himself and I chimed in. Momma, I don't know where it came from, I wasn't going to say a word but it sorta just came out! Then, when Rachel, she's the therapist, she asked if I wanted to share, I did. I'm sorry Momma. I shouldn't have done that without your permission or you being there to hear it." She was speaking quickly and looked under stress.
Liv pulled her hands out of her daughter's and placed them on her shoulders. "Baby, stop. It's okay, it's okay. I'm not exactly sure why you're apologizing. Did you tell your story?" Liv was curious as to what Serena felt guilty over.
"Just about the first time, that's what the directions were. I didn't mean to, but once I said that my name is Serena, the story just came out. But YOU don't know Momma. I never told you and I should have done that first." Before Olivia could respond in any way, Serena hit the record button, took back her mother's hands, pulled them up towards her mouth, in turn pulling Liv closer and repeated, verbatim, the story she told the group. They sat for a moment, Serena's breath warming Olivia's hands before she released one to stop the recording. "But I didn't tell them Momma that that time was the easiest. They all made it sound like the first time was the worst of their sex abuse and I'm not belittling that, one time is horrific for anyone to go through, but not me. If that was all it was those two years, I wouldn't be so...so...I'm crawling out of my skin. My head doesn't work the way it used to. There are so many more worse times after that first, not counting the celebrations; times none of them could ever imagine and I pray no one ever…" She let out a frustrated breath and returned her attention to her knees, in the process moving Liv's hands to her forehead.
Olivia just sat quietly, her hands holding onto Serena's just as tightly. She has heard hundreds of stories similar to the one time that her daughter just spoke about, but to hear it from the child that she birthed was more than she thought she could handle. To speak as if that horrible day was the best of two years made it impossible to imagine what else the girl was holding on to.
"I'm sorry for not talking to you first Momma, but now you can give this to Mr. Barba. He said that he needed me to say what specifically The Doctor did, to make the complaint. I didn't use his name in the therapy room, just for the recording here but c-c-can I go, go back? Rachel said I could be a regular part of the group, not to live there like most of them, but to just go and talk like a few do. I promise to tell you everything we discuss but…"
"No angel. Don't apologize for seeking counsel from others. You are free to talk to whomever you feel comfortable with as long as you let it out. Of course, you can go back. You can go and talk whenever you need, knowing that I am here to listen also, to as much or as little as you want to tell me." Serena thought that her mother looked like she was about to cry; if she knew her at all, she was crying on the inside and trying her damndest to hold it in for her sake.
"Don't worry Momma. Some things I'll never tell, and some things I'll only tell you...when I'm ready. Maybe talking to others that had things happen will help make me ready. Rachel said she wants to meet you on Monday morning at 8 to discuss how I can become a regular group participant. Is that okay?" When Olivia just nodded, Serena continued. "Momma it's just, I am so tired. Even though things got fixed and the hospital helped, which I will deny once this conversation is over…" she made a face causing Olivia to smile, albeit fleetingly… "my body is indescribably exhausted. I can actually feel it, weird. My head though, my head is not right. It's like my brain is constantly firing and it won't calm down enough to just rest. I have to watch and be prepared even though I know I'm no longer in danger but after I heard those kids tell their experiences today...some were hurt by their own family members! Then I shared mine and I couldn't control it, I didn't mean to, I didn't! But I felt like, like someone else could understand. It's hard to explain." Watching the emotions play out over Olivia's face confused Serena. "Say something Momma. Tell me what you're thinking. Please don't censor for my sake. Are you mad?'
It took a moment for Serena's question to register but when it did, it brought Olivia out of her head. "No baby, I'm not mad. Serena, I'm just...you scare me." Olivia couldn't believe she said that and let go of her daughter's hand to stand up. She walked over to the open window and was surprised how much time had passed. She could see that the light rain had disappeared, and the day was simply overcast once again.
"Me? Why?"
God! That came out wrong. How do I explain this? I can't fucking think straight! Olivia thought with panic rising. She ran her hands through her hair. "I need a minute." She needed a year to sort out all the shit going through her head. The only sound she heard was Serena getting off the bed and the floor creak as she was walking out. Liv turned around quickly. "No! I didn't mean for you to...I'm not mad, I promise I just…" Yeah, I'm the daughter of an English professor and can't even get a fricken sentence out.
Serena stopped at the door. "I know, it's a lot. I could use a few minutes myself" she said before walking out, uncharacteristically closing the door behind her. She knew Olivia would be affected by anything she divulged about the past two years, what parent wouldn't? But it was exponentiated by the fact that she was exhausted in every sense. Serena walked towards the kitchen where Bernie had started thinking about dinner prep. "Gramma, could you please help me?"
Bernie instantly stopped her search and looked at her newest granddaughter. "With anything" she replied. She did take note that Serena went into the room with Olivia, but came out all alone, but at least talking again. The girl seemed upset but reigned it in. Barely.
The puppies were striving for Serena's attention. "Samson and Delilah, heel! Go play!" The dogs immediately went silent, startled and confused by hearing their master speak. She sighed and signed her instructions instead. When they obeyed, she turned her attention back to her grandmother. "I had a talk with Momma and she needs a few minutes to absorb everything. Actually, she needs more than that, but you know how she can be. I think she's too tired to really think straight. In fact, I know she's too tired to think straight because I can't think straight. Momma needs to sleep but she won't until I do and I just...Gramma, can you do what Maddie did for me that night before I went into the hospital? I know she drugged us, please don't deny that you know."
Bernie looked right in her eyes. "I'm not denying anything dear. It was my idea."
Serena appreciated her honesty. "I didn't dream that night and Elliot said Momma didn't move at all. But I can't swallow a pill. I won't ever again. Just standing here asking you to crush it makes me...If you could do what Maddie did, then I can sleep, and Momma will too. She needs it."
Bernie marveled at how although Serena did acknowledge her own exhaustion, she put her mother's well-being first. "Of course, honey. Can you tell me which bottle it is? I can barely remember my own." Serena showed her which pills but didn't watch as she prepared them. Instead, she walked out to the patio chairs. Since it rained, albeit briefly, the breeze picked up, so the late afternoon was not scorching. Before she could settle in a chair, Bernie walked towards her with a small glass of juice. "Here you go darling. I hope it does the job."
Serena drank the whole thing at once. The effect was probably all in her head, power of suggestion and all, but the sleeping pill took hold instantly. She grabbed Janie, laid down and felt herself go limp.
Liv walked out of Serena's room a few moments later, finding Bernie cleaning the already spotless kitchen counter. "I'm assuming Serena's outside?"
"She's sleeping dear" replied Bernie as she handed Olivia a small glass of juice.
"What?" Liv asked quite surprised as she drank the juice down while walking outside. She saw her baby sound asleep on the patio. She didn't hear Elliot come out as well when she turned towards Bernie. "How did you get her...you drugged her." When Bernie didn't respond with anything other than a look towards the empty glass Liv was holding, she knew. "And me too. Thank God, I'm so tired!" she found herself whining. Her reaction surprised everyone. Bernie reached forward and took the glass out of Olivia's hand as she rubbed her forehead with the other. Elliot moved forward and came up behind her, startling her a bit since she didn't realize he came home.
"Come on Liv. Let's get you to bed" he said, wrapping his arm around her waist. She practically fell into him and he lifted her bridal style.
"Bring her in El" she said, slurring her words together, wrapping her arms around his neck laying her head on his shoulder. Those were the last words she said before he tucked her into their bed, already asleep in his arms.
Elliot came back outside and picked his daughter up in much the same way. "Ma, grab her glasses please."
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