Chapter 40

Wait...did that say chapter 40? Wow! Thank you all who have stuck with me on this crazy journey. 40 chapters! I hope despite the subject matter, they are entertaining. Let's keep going…

The ride home was quiet, both Olivia and Serena lost in thought. When they pulled up to the house, Serena immediately walked towards the water. "Serena, are you hungry? I can have breakfast ready in ten minutes." Liv just needed to make sure her daughter didn't go silent. She knew the girl was disappointed, her demeanor did a complete 180 from just an hour ago and she didn't want her to wallow or get lost in herself again. Serena's only answer was a shake of her head. "Baby, I need to know if you're okay. Talk to me please?"

"I'm okay Momma. I just need to think for a bit." She graced Liv with a brief smile before walking slowly to her favorite spot and sitting in the sand.

Although Liv was thrilled to know that she didn't revert to silence, she was disheartened to see that when the puppies came bounding outside towards where Serena sat, she didn't engage them. She wanted so desperately to hover but knew she couldn't. Instead, she would give her daughter the time it took to make breakfast to think and then all bets were off.

"Hey peace girl! Nina and I didn't catch you this morning" Salomon said as he came up to her side. She didn't acknowledge him or the dog, who was now chasing her puppies into the water. "You have interesting knees you know" he said as he sat down. That got her attention.

"What are you talking about, Salomon?"

He smiled because he knew that would get her. "Manny. My friends call me Manny, well back when I had friends. You can be my first friend now. Anyway, I saw you staring at your knees like they were doing something special so... What's gotcha looking like you lost your best friend?" The response he got he certainly wasn't expecting. Serena burst into tears, her head falling onto said knees. "Holy shit! I'm sorry! I didn't know. Did someone really die?" She didn't so much as get glassy eyed the other day when she told that horrific story and even when her mother was panicking, she remained calm so he felt she earned her name but unless something terrible happened, he had no clue what could have brought her to tears. He was at a loss.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Stop you idiot! Serena ridiculed herself for her outburst, but she couldn't help it, it just came pouring out. "They won't let me join group unless I live there, and I can't live there! I can't leave my Momma or Elliot and now I have a Gramma and…" hiccup... "I liked talking to everyone there, listening to what they had to say. I felt like I understood what everyone went through and we could help each other but they won't let me because of some procedure or rules or other bullshit and…" shuddering breath. Oh no! "And they want me to sit with a shrink alone in a room?!" The last sentence was almost incoherent. She began hyperventilating as the tears poured down her cheeks and her nose ran away from her. She needed her mother. She quickly turned to first look him in the eye and then looked towards the house, pleading for him to understand because she was taking in short bursts of air, but none were coming out. He saw the same look on Olivia yesterday, so he immediately got up and ran for Bernie's house.

As he approached the patio, Olivia was just coming out the door, curious as to who was so heavy-footed on the steps. She looked at him quizzically. "Ma'am, I'm Salomon, my grandmother is Ms. Adelaide from up the strip a ways. We met yesterday, kinda, up by my house. Anyway, Serena is crying down by the beach and she's breathing funny, well, not really breathing at all." He remembered what she said about her lungs not being strong so he was hoping her mother would know what to do. Liv was already down the stairs before he finished his sentence.

She was at her daughter's side in seconds. Serena stopped breathing all together, she just sat with her mouth open like a fish trying to get air with her eyes popping out of her head. Olivia grabbed her hands and made sure to speak pretty close to Serena's mouth so air would go in, one way or another. "Baby take a breath. Now!" Liv blew out air into the girl's face, which only caused her eyes to widen more. "You have to breathe Serena. I'm right here now get some air." Her voice was louder and more firm, trying to break through the fog that was clouding the young girl's brain. She could tell the teen was trying, but she was going to pass out any minute.

Liv spoke to Salomon who came back next to her. "What were you two doing?"

"Just talking ma'am." He explained the conversation of the last two minutes while Olivia could feel her daughter's heartbeat against her palm. "Then I ran to get you. It's amazing how strong she really is." He was nodding as he made eye contact causing Serena to make a shocked sound, inadvertently taking a breath. Manny kept talking smoothly while Olivia encouraged her in a quieter voice to continue mimicking her breaths. "Seriously, after everything I can only imagine, you still worry about other people and have this freshness...I don't know peace girl."

"I-I-I'mmmmmm not not brave, jjjjust look. I'mmm all also nnnot normmmallly a crier. Ttttears lead to more…..thiiiiiiissss is so emba, embar" she couldn't get the words out. She was mortified. "You, you don't havvvvve to t-talk to me anymmmmmore." She couldn't stop the torrent of tears still streaming down her face nor could she control the stutter, but she hated that this boy was watching her in this state.

"But I like talking to you. Like I said, you are my first friend now, and my now has been a hell of a lot longer than yours. I'd like to be the same for you, if you'd let me." He was sitting calm and still on the sand beside Olivia, who was watching the exchange intently while still holding onto Serena's hands. "Rachel got you hyped up and you were expecting a different outcome and things got fucked up by those who wouldn't know pain if it bit them in the ass. Oh, I apologize, excuse my language ma'am. Tears won't chase me away. If someone told me it was okay to cry back then, maybe I wouldn't be making my first friend right now. It's an odd trait you share with your momma, the not breathing thing. The only trait I share with my dad is the way we both snore like chainsaws. So, if crying helps, go for it. Better to let the feelings out than stuff them down. That's what they say in therapy anyway. Let me know and I'll stub my toe or watch one of those soldiers returning home videos and join you."

Serena expelled a breath that sounded as if she was trying to laugh through her tears. "I did didn't hhhave mmmannny fffriends before." Shaky breath. "Not lllllike I'mmmmm sh-sure you did but bbbbut I'd like a fffriend now." She finally grasped her mother's hands back. "Momma, thhhhhhisss is my my fffriend SSSSSalomon, bbbut I'mmm going to c-c-call him Manny." She had to stop then and try to breathe normally. Her head was pounding, and her chest hurt like a bitch. She was going to have to spend the afternoon attached to her cannula, maybe even the machine if she didn't stop the waterworks.

Olivia turned her head towards the young man. "It's nice to meet you Manny and Serena's first friend now gets to call me Olivia." She didn't have to ask what they meant by "now." Nearly 20 years in special victims and she just knew. The time of their lives was divided, before and after abuse; then and now. Living and surviving. Hopefully they all were both on their way to thriving. They all got quiet for a few moments while the young girl tried to compose herself. When she made to stand up, they all did.

"Are you going to be okay Serena?" It was the first time he used her actual name outside of group. When she nodded, he continued. "Yeah you look it. I'm going to go for a run, I think I need to expel some energy. You know where to find me and if it's okay, Nina might want to see her puppies later?" Again, she just nodded so he bid farewell to Olivia, whistled for his dog, and took off as mother and daughter headed home.

-SVU-

The damn tears wouldn't stop and as they flowed, she tried desperately to catch her breath. Olivia kept her arms wrapped around her as they walked up the steps. "I, I, I don't nnnnnn, know what's wrong with me. I can't maaaake it sssstop!" They were walking towards the bathroom when Serena stopped short in the doorway.

"We are going to the sink sweetheart. You have to try to calm down." Reluctantly, Serena walked towards the pedestal. It was inconceivable that just a couple hours ago she was dragging Elliot in to check the toilet, excited to start the day and now, she was falling apart at the seams. Liv thought it was good though. Serena hardly cried on her own; it was almost always caused by some nightmare or pain. This was as if her body was telling her it needed release and it was taking it anyway it could get it. They always said that one needed to break in order to heal but did that apply to someone who has been broken repeatedly?

Olivia thought about Manny's comment. Neither she nor Serena ever had panic attacks before, so she didn't realize they both handled, or rather mishandled, them the same way, hyperventilating to the point of being unable to breathe. They were both so much alike. She had Serena lean over the sink as she pulled her daughter's hair into a ponytail and tied it up. She wet a washcloth and pressed the cold rag to her neck causing the teen to gasp and grip the sides of the basin. She continued to wet her down and reassure her that all would be okay. Serena kept sneaking glances at the toilet as she tried to control the tears. No one checked it yet. Olivia moved to lift the lid, but Serena threw her arm out to stop her.

"I d-d-don't have to go. It'ssssssssssss just… Can we sit?" As they moved into the living room, Olivia grabbed two cups and filled them with water before sitting on the sofa. She made Serena take a drink and she did the same. Her chest continued to rattle with each gasp for air and the tears still cascaded down her cheeks. Olivia ran to the bedroom and grabbed the cannula with the tank, helping to ensure it was in place while Bernie, who was silently unseen until now, closed the windows, leaving the screen door open, and turned on the ac. By the time the water was finished and Liv stopped using the cloth, the oxygen began doing its job and the girl's breathing slowed down and once again, the eldest Stabler was nowhere to be seen.

They sat on the couch for another fifteen minutes or so until Serena was able to take a breath without a struggle and her beautiful cheeks no longer showed signs of salty tear tracks that she spoke. "Momma, can you please get the journal my sisters gave me? It's in the drawer of my nightstand." Once Olivia sat down again, Serena clutched it to her chest. Now that she was relatively calm, her stutter was once again under control. "You asked me a question when I first came home and I said I couldn't answer it, not then. I figured out a way to tell you Momma. I wrote it down, like a story for you to read. Will you read it?"

Liv knew exactly what she meant. She was going to tell her about the baby. After the brief explanation that her daughter told Fin and Melinda, Olivia knew how difficult it would be for her to open up. The pain and humiliation she suffered for over two years probably paled in comparison to that day. She wanted so desperately to know, but then again, she was terrified of the knowledge. But, since the girl had found a way to tell her story, Liv was going to listen, or in this case read. The tumultuous emotions of the morning were still playing on her; Olivia realized that Serena only told of the horrors when pushed to an emotional limit. She didn't even discuss her nightmares, nor cry over them once she was awake. Olivia didn't speak, just nodded and held out her hand.

-SVU-

Before Olivia put on her reading glasses, Serena stood up. "I don't need to read over your shoulder, I have a headache. I'm hot in these jeans and my shirt is now gross and wet, thanks for that, so I'm going to change. Be right back." Liv knew they had fallen asleep while the stars were just beginning to fade and as usual, that was not enough rest for either of them. Then she went on that emotional roller coaster and this was the first time the young teen admitted to having a headache, which probably meant she had a mind-numbing migraine. Liv vowed that after reading the journal, she would save her questions for later and try to get Serena to partake in some calming activities for the afternoon and oh yes, there was the small matter that neither had the chance to eat breakfast. At least Serena wouldn't fight her on food. Opening to the marked page, Olivia began to read.

What to write, what to write... My brothers and sisters gave me a basket full of goodies today because they thought it would make me feel better. They still make me anxious when they're all together, but they really are sweet. Momma, you asked me to tell you about the baby and I just can't, not out loud so I am writing it all down for you. Hopefully this will fulfill parts A and B as well as any addendum you stipulated in our last round of 3 questions.

When Dr. Warner asked me what I wanted her to "do with the remains" I almost had a stroke! I remember what I had to do with the remains the first time. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay, I suppose I should start at the beginning. It's so weird Momma, but I never realized that you can learn to ignore pain and push it away. I remember when they had to change the dressing on my arm, and it felt like I was on fire each time. I tried so hard not to cry but when they didn't sedate me, I couldn't help it. I thought that nothing could hurt worse. Naive.

After The Doctor came down the ladder the second time, I realized that if I bit the inside of my cheeks, I can keep the screams in. Man do I have scars in there! Anyway, I learned that I can float and imagine that I was home with you so that the pain was something that was just outside of where it could hurt. Now that I've read that, it sounds like it doesn't make sense but it's the only way to describe it. He had come down many times plus Amir and one celebration before my belly really felt weird. I got sick once, as soon as he rolled off me, I rolled over and threw up. He wasn't happy with that but before he took his usual action, he said the oddest thing. He said, "Heaven, I can see it in your eyes. Damn!" He jumped up and got dressed and up the ladder so fast I was so confused. Usually, I couldn't wait for him to leave but as I said, I felt funny. He came down again and it was the same day, or night and he had his bag with him. I hated that bag. He took blood from my arm and held a stick between my legs and told me to pee. I didn't want to do that at all, not after Steven.

In addition to learning how to keep the screams in and the tears at bay, I learned not to say no. After we sat for a few minutes, he threw the stick at me and disappeared for a couple of days. The stick was plain white with a little temperature window that only had a plus sign in it. He never mentioned it again. I realized I was pregnant during the second celebration. It was Judge Sorotsky that commented on how my belly was nice and round but the rest of me was skin and bones. It was a big joke after that. Honestly, I thought I was becoming like one of those starving children you see on television. I never even got my first period, so pregnancy never occurred to me. Guess that's something else I'll never get to experience.

I know you heard the recording from Uncle Fin, but I'll write it here anyway. Makes the story flowy and more interesting :) I can pretend things are not happening to my body and I can ignore the aches and pains pretty well, but when my head hurts, it's too hard to do that. I can't think straight, and Steven gave me such a wallop that I hit the hook and broke my cheekbone. I ended up with a bad concussion. My head hurt for like, a year after that (remember I couldn't tell time down there). They got into a huge argument and he only came to one more celebration before The Doctor cut him off, but that's a different story that I can't promise I'll ever tell. I'm not sure how long it was after, but I was finally able to see without stars and blurriness, even with my glasses but then the door opened, and he came down with that bag. He prepared a shot and I tried to scoot backwards but I was already up against the wall and when he gave me that look, I froze as always. I held out my arm, but he jabbed the needle right in my stomach! I watched as he plunged the clear liquid inside and packed up. He put three bottles of water, some towels, and a mopping bucket close by and he left. I got scared because almost immediately, my stomach was exploding. I begged him not to leave me, that he had to "fix me up" and I can't believe I actually said those words. I think it shocked him too because he stopped midway up the ladder. He said not to "leave a trace" and I had no idea what that meant because then my head was pounding with each flip of my stomach.

I don't know how you did it, Momma. How on Earth do women give birth every day and then want to do it all again? Kathy has five kids! God, it feels like your insides are going to run out. It hurt worse with each breath I took, and it lasted a long time. I'm sorry Momma, but I screamed for you. I tried not to do that while I was gone once I realized the consequences because I didn't want you anywhere near him or them, but I was all alone and I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to die. It wasn't the first time I thought that, but it was the only time I was by myself when I did. I was used to bleeding coming from between my legs; it felt different than when I peed myself but this time, it felt like both. Wet, wet blood and lots of it. It was hard getting my sweatpants off but when I checked, my vagina looked different than it usually did, even after the celebrations with the bruises. Something was stuck in there and it was sliding out. When I realized it was the baby (I mean duh, how can I be so smart and so stupid about some things?), I tried to keep it in. I tried to push it back up, but it hurt so bad. I leaned back up against the wall and used both hands to pull. I figured if it was trying to come out and I couldn't put it back, maybe it was better to help it out.

The head came all the way out, but it wasn't crying, it wasn't doing anything. The shoulders, I had to turn the shoulders because I was afraid I would break the little bones. Once we got past that, it slid out all by itself. It was so tiny Momma, but it didn't have a penis so I figured it was a girl. Maybe it hadn't developed yet since I wasn't sure how long I was pregnant, but I couldn't keep saying "it" so she's a girl. Dr. Warner confirmed it. I used to read a lot of books and I knew how babies were made, but I never read anything on how to deliver them. I knew she was supposed to be making noise, but the only one screaming and crying was me. I was still gushing blood and some gross stuff that looked like 10 times worse than snot and there was a part of her body that was still hanging from inside me to her little belly. I tried to pull it out but that was torturous, and I think I must've passed out because I went from sitting up to leaning almost all the way down on the floor. I went numb and since the baby wasn't crying or moving or breathing, I knew she came out dead. I figured I was going to be dead soon too. I wrapped her up in the towels and just held her in my lap. That piece was still attached but I knew better than to try to pull it out again.

It was a long time before The Doctor came down the ladder. He started shaking his head and clicking his tongue and told me how much smarter he was than me and that I should be glad he was there to fix my mess. Being fixed up was always horrible, another kind of nightmare, but afterwards whatever was broken or bruised was better. I remember my head wouldn't let me think straight and the blurriness and throbbing were just constant and I was barely able to keep my eyes open to watch. I always watched even though he never gave me an antibiotic or knocked me out or anything. Funny since he gave me some type of pills almost every day. This time he used his scalpel to cut under my belly button and when I felt him slapping me to wake up, he gave me ibuprofen, took her from my lap still wrapped in the towels and brought her up the ladder. I don't know how long it was until he came down again; I still didn't move from the spot. I couldn't really feel anything below my chest. He said I'd been laying still for too long and had to get moving so he made me stand up and walk around a bit. After a few laps he made me climb the ladder. I was going to die at the top Momma. There was no way I would survive a celebration right then, I don't even know how I made it up the ladder I was shaking so much and having to climb up, well it wasn't pleasant but he didn't take me the way we go to the room. We went to the flower patch. Each step was excruciating which is why I started counting them, as a distraction. That's how I knew to tell Uncle Fin exactly where to go. When we got there, the bucket with the baby still wrapped in towels was just lying on the snow. He said he didn't want any trace of a child that probably wasn't his and he wouldn't care for another person and handed me a shovel. I did my best to dig a good hole for her because Elliot used to say that when you buried someone, it was sacred. I took her out of the towels when he told me to, and I laid her in the ground; then I covered it back up. Carmella once told me that when her bird died and then her daughter's gerbil, that she put each of them in a box before burying them. My baby never even got a box so it's a good thing she never knew she was supposed to have one.

I could barely stand up but that wasn't unusual. He always had to drag or carry me back from the celebrations, but I was kind of mobile this time. When we got back to the ladder, he threw down a few more water bottles and told me to clean up the mess so he would never be reminded. He threw down some food and told me to remember to walk around or scar tissue would form and I wouldn't heal properly. It's the same thing he told me all the time. I didn't use the water to clean up the floor though, I washed my hands and used the rest to drink. I covered the blood with dirt and that's all. It was a long time before we had another celebration and once the men knew I couldn't get pregnant, that's why he cut under my belly, they did things differently.

I'm sorry I can't make you a real grandmother one day Momma. I tried to keep her, but the choice wasn't mine. It's okay, I'm not sure I can take care of someone else, someone so small and fragile. Samson and Delilah are enough of a handful! Writing this wasn't so bad after all. Please don't share this with anybody else, even Elliot. I mean you can tell him if you want, but I don't ever want anyone else to read this. I know you're probably crying right now and it's okay; just remember I am here, and I am fine-well, getting there with your help :) Yes, you can hug me tight, my ribs are all healed.

She was so caught up that Olivia didn't realize she and Serena had switched places from this morning. It was now her who had the never-ending cascade of tears down her cheeks and who was struggling to breathe. She wasn't sure her nose would ever stop running. Her heart was pounding, and she was trying to take unstaggered breaths. It took her a moment to realize that Serena hadn't come back yet. Granted, only a few minutes had passed, but Serena was usually dressed in less time that it took Olivia to cross the room. Closing the journal and looking around, Olivia stiffly stood up. She felt like she was sitting forever, her back and her joints were stiff. Olivia took the cloth she was using on Serena, which was only slightly damp by now, Jeez! How long was I sitting here? and wiped her own face with it, grabbing tissues along the way in an effort to clear her nose. When she got to Serena's room, she was met with a sight that made her want to giggle and cry, again, at the same time.

Serena was sat on her bed, essentially sleeping sitting up. She had her jeans and socks off and her arm was across her lap as if to pull her shirt over her head before she stopped. Her eyes were closed, but her head was lollying around while her body tried not to topple over. The room was uncomfortably warm, even with the window open and the ceiling fan on. Besides the living room, the only other room with an air conditioner was Elliot's. Kathleen had been complaining about it for quite some time; even Eli questioned it yesterday morning. They couldn't appreciate the fact that Bernie and Serena loved the breeze coming in, no matter how hot that breeze was and since she didn't really sleep inside anyway, it didn't matter. Today though, Olivia felt the stifling heat shuffling through.

She searched her daughter's drawers and came up with a pair of cotton shorts and a light tank top. It wasn't something Serena would normally wear but no one else was home and wouldn't be for hours, so it didn't matter if she wasn't completely covered. Liv had already seen everything intimately during her last hospital stay and Bernie never pointed out anything that would make the girl self-conscious. Olivia squatted down and placed both Serena's feet in the shorts. The girl's eyes opened a fraction. "Come on baby, let's make you comfortable." Thanks to years of practice, her voice was steady. She was answered with a grunt, but the girl managed to stand up and put her hands on Olivia's shoulders. As Liv was pulling up the shorts, she made note that although she bought Serena many different types of undergarments from boy shorts to briefs to hi-cuts, the girl never wore any. She also noticed that Serena still lacked any visible signs of puberty. She should at least have a small batch of dark curls, but beside the scars, she was smooth. As she disconnected the cannula to remove the long-sleeved shirt while noting lack of a bra, she noticed Serena's underarms were the same, baby bottom kissable. She had one viable ovary and she tried her best to hide severe monthly cramping and period symptoms so Liv knew the hormones were there, but despite the hysterectomy, given her age and trauma she should be in flux right now, especially given that she gave birth. Most girls her age were learning to shave. Add that concern to the ever-growing list.

Olivia wrapped Serena's arm around her shoulders as she half dragged her to the living room. "It's cooler in here angel." Serena didn't protest the movement; in fact, as soon as she hit the couch again, she flopped down onto her back. Smiling and shaking her head, Liv quickly repositioned her child as Bernie closed the patio door.

"It was letting all the coolness out" she stated as she made her way to the back of the sofa and placed a soft blanket over her granddaughter. Although her breathing seemed steady now, Olivia dragged the oxygen tank next to the couch since she didn't want Serena sleeping without her cannula, especially after the workout her lungs got this morning.

Before her mother placed the tubules under her nose, she spoke softly and slurred a bit. "I can't fight it anymore… don't go anywhere okay?"

Closing her eyes against another rise of emotions, Liv responded. "Like hell I'm going anywhere baby. You don't have to fight anymore, leave that to us. Give in and rest, I'll be right here." She was answered with some unintelligible mumbling, but Serena immediately relaxed into the cushions and Liv once again let the tears fall.

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