A/N: Three weeks isolating alone in my apartment…well, writing is keeping me sane! Anyway, this is a filler but important in Serena's healing. We get back to the Law part of the Order next chapter. Stay safe everyone!

Chapter 46

Barba was already buried in paperwork when Elliot got there. The anxiety clearly showed on the ADA's face, despite the effort it took him to mask it. "How's Serena? Liv?"

Elliot wasn't going to pull any punches, make small talk, or deny anything. "He got her, Barba. With the gun, but I'm sure you know that already. She'll be okay; at least that's what Olivia keeps chanting. It was a rough weekend, but she bounced back yesterday with the help of some new friends she made. She was still sleeping when I left."

"I'm so sorry, Elliot" exclaimed Barba and he truly was. He blamed himself for forcing Serena to the stand when he knew she was not ready nor willing. He never thought to vet the court staff but hindsight, being 20/20 as they say, was screaming that there were many high-profile men involved and he should have known better. He won't make either mistake again. "Thank God for small miracles. She's a tough one. I've made some phone calls and excuse me." At that moment, his phone rang. It was barely 7:30 and the conversation was very short. "We are meeting in the judge's chambers at 10am. And yes, you can come."

"Closed meeting? I have a bad feeling." Elliot knew that when a trial was interrupted and the sitting jury wasn't present during any meetings, the case was over in one way or another.

-SVU-

Serena was walking along the strip to get her dogs. She had to get away from Olivia for a bit and she didn't want to inconvenience Manny any more than she already has, although deep down she knew he wouldn't mind. She would do the same if he needed. She was able to sleep so well last night, and for so long too. Her body just shut down and took her mind with it. She doesn't even remember dreaming, but what just happened she'll be hard-pressed to forget.

"Serena, this is something that I absolutely need to know." Olivia was wrapped around her, holding her so damn tight. "Did someone die during these celebrations? This could mean a new set of charges, a new trial."

"Momma I can't move, loosen up." Serena's body started having a physical reaction to being held. She normally loved the contact, the pressure her mother put on her body would ground her, make her feel connected and safe. But not this time. After Steven's death, talking about dying was too much all at once. Her breathing started to pick up speed, but her mother didn't notice. She felt the immediate need to escape. "Momma let go." She could barely hear her mother's words; something about murder, accessories, but it all faded very quickly. Serena started to kick her legs and roll her upper body trying to free her limbs. Liv immediately let go and the girl flew across the patio and down the stairs towards the water. The sun was barely over the horizon making the surrounding light a resounding shade of red. That's all she could see-brilliant red over the indigo of the ocean.

Olivia made the mistake of trying to grab her daughter. Serena shot out, arms flailing, legs running once again. She didn't register that her fist made contact with her mother's jaw. Liv retreated a bit, but not too far. After all, the last time Serena ran towards the water, she almost drowned.

"It's okay. It's okay. That was my fault" Liv said using her victim's voice, hands up and bending her knees so she could try and be eye level. She moved her jaw around a bit, it wasn't broken of course, but there would be a nice bruise that she would have to explain to Elliot. "It's okay, you're safe." She watched as Serena rubbed her eyes and shook her head vigorously as if trying to clear it.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed. She was bent with her hands on her knees, eyes squeezed closed. She was seeing colored fireworks behind her eyelids, which she tried to concentrate on. It was much better than the images invading her mind at the moment. "I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy. Imnotcrazyimnotcrazyimnotcrazy…"

"I know baby. It's okay, I know." What the hell? Olivia got down on her knees as close to Serena as she could. The girl didn't move so Liv reached her hand out. She was shaking a bit; she hated not knowing how her child would react. She tentatively put her right hand on Serena's left and before she had a chance to rethink, Serena flipped her hand over and grabbed tight. Neither Benson moved for several moments. The only thing that could be heard in the early morning was the waves crashing and Serena trying to regulate her breathing, along with her mantra.

Liv sat staring at her hand holding Serena's when she heard, "Steven is dead. It doesn't matter who else is dead from that room, they all deserve it. I'm still here...with you and I'm good. Or at least trying to be so let's move on."

"No, baby. No. We can't move on. You may think you can, but it doesn't work that way. I can't move on." She said that last sentence barely above a whisper. Serena finally looked up. When she did, she jumped back, throwing her hands over her mouth.

"I'm sorry, Momma! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I didn't see you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Seeing her mother's jaw begin to bruise put her in more distress than she was before.

"No, no sweet girl. I know. I know. I also should have known better than to try and touch you during a flashback. It's okay."

"No, it's not. This needs to stop. I told you The Doctor will never talk about what happened and I told you I don't want to either. From this moment on, I won't. No more identifying your perps, being interrogated by Uncle Fin and Mr. Barba can go bang a bong. No judge can make me speak, nobody else is going to use… I mean threaten me in any way. The sun is up, I am alive and it's a new day. I am very sorry I hit you Momma, but I need a moment." Serena turned around and began to walk up towards Manny's house.

Ms. Adelaide was out on her deck watching the progress of the sun and when Serena walked up and saw her, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"I told you he can't give ya nuthin girl, but you went and got him all riled up. You're too young to be on the streets, no well maybe not, but what kinda spell you got on my Salomon?" She stared Serena right in the eyes, but the girl stared death in the face many times, and this old woman was nothing compared to that. Today was just not the day.

"I'm sorry Ms. Adelaide, but I don't have any 'spell' over Salomon, and I would never dream of being 'on the streets' as you put it. He's my friend and that's all I need from him." She spoke clearly and forcefully making sure not to flinch. She was the combination of Benson and Stabler after all, stronger than she knew. She didn't want to prolong any conversation with this woman, so she immediately continued. "I don't mean to intrude, but my dogs followed Nina earlier and I came to fetch them." Adelaide didn't have a chance to formulate a response because as soon as those puppies recognized Serena's voice, it was like approaching a dog shelter. All three dogs started barking and clawing at the door to be let out. The older woman started cursing up a storm as she got up from her spot at the same moment her grandson opened the door. The puppies nearly knocked her off her feet as she tried to whack them with her cane. Fortunately, she missed. Both Serena and Salomon started yelling, begging her not to hit them, but the old lady balked and flailed as she went inside.

As soon as they wobbled down the stairs, Serena grabbed both her dogs by the collar as Salomon approached with Nina on her leash. "I'm so sorry! She didn't touch them, I swear! She missed; they're alright. I'm sorry." He was out of breath and genuinely upset by his grandmother's behavior. Serena knew none of it was his fault and she had to make sure he didn't go down some path of guilt and shut himself off. She wanted his friendship; she needed it.

"They're safe with you Manny. I know that because I am safe with you too. It wasn't your fault and thanks for taking them. Momma was having a bout of overprotectiveness this morning and wouldn't let me go for a while." Her friend seemed to calm down considerably at her words and gave her that inquisitive look he does quite often. Like he was staring into her soul, trying to figure her out. She didn't want that to happen, so she kept talking. "Are you going to be okay? I mean, you're not in trouble for having them in the house, are you? For how they acted? I will take the full blame from your grand…"

"No," he said, interrupting her. "They were well behaved until then. My dad was impressed. As for my grandma, don't worry. She's leaving for Florida tomorrow to visit my auntie. She's going to be gone until March! Let her be mad or whatever, it's nothing new but I can't believe she went to hit them though. Nina too! I'm so sorry."

She smiled then and let her dogs lose. They immediately began to twirl around her ankles as she started to walk back, Manny right beside her.

"Feel free not to answer, but I gotta ask" he said, turning to face her as they walked. She gave him side-eye and nodded. "Would you be walking with me right now if you didn't see me in therapy? I mean, even after I gave you the dogs and such, would we be friends if you didn't know what I went through?"

Serena didn't even have to think of her answer. "I could ask you the same. Please know that I will always be honest with you, Manny. The truth may be harsh sometimes, but I have no intention of hurting your feelings in any way. There will be some questions that you ask that I will never answer. It's just the way it is and I ask that you please accept that. But this one I will. The answer would be a resounding no. It's not you in any way other than your Y chromosome. You are so much bigger than me and I tried to explain this to my big brother too. You're a man and… but I would absolutely regret not being your friend. I am so glad to know you Manny. To call you my friend. I just hope I never scare you away." With that, she walked to the shoreline and stared at the horizon.

"Please" he said in a sarcastic 'tish' kind of way. "You don't scare me. You can be intimidating for sure, but I can handle that." He bent down, picked up a shell and threw it as far as he could. Serena just blatantly stared at him until he finally looked at her. "What? What'd I say?"

"Me? Intimidating?" she questioned. "I'm like a walking frayed nerve, how on earth do I intimidate you?" She made sure not to sound like she was making fun, but she was in disbelief and really wanted to know what he meant by that.

Manny just shrugged and explained. "Well, you're smart as fuck. Like really genius level shit, but you don't flaunt it except in the way you sometimes talk-all proper and crap. I just know the brain is there and I can't even seem to pass biology. You genuinely care about others in spite of everything you've been through, and I know that I have no idea other than what you've revealed on the surface. It's been a couple years for me, and I hide out here while you, it's fresh and yet you face things head on. You are strong and brave and beautiful inside and out. Sorry, but it's true" he added as he saw her face turn red and her head bow down. "I made myself a big guy to fight back, now when people look at me, they go, holy shit, stay away! Just the way I like it. But you, you're this… this… I don't know but something I can never hope to be and yes, that is intimidating. Don't go changing Serena."

They were quiet for a few moments after that. "I don't like it when you call me by my name" she said as she resumed their walk. He knew what she meant.

"Well, sometimes, it's the best way for me to get through to you, peace girl" he said and they both smiled. "I can see you're still in pain. The way you're walking and holding yourself is a dead giveaway. Anything I can do?"

She didn't want to talk about herself so she shook her head and decided to tease. "No. Why does Ms. Adelaide think I want to have sex with you?" she asked, causing the young man to freeze in his tracks. She took three more steps before she realized and stopped herself to turn around. "Are you secretly a player Salomon?" She raised her eyebrows with a smirk but he was taking her way too seriously.

"What did she say to you?" he asked fervently. She was shaking her head but he continued. "What. The. Fuck. Serena?"

Back to her name. Okay. "Calm down" she said putting her hands up. "I just… I… You said not to worry about her so what does it matter?" His face turned a darker shade of chocolate. She knew he was extremely embarrassed and getting rather angry too. Although she knew he wouldn't hurt her, his sheer size and his current demeanor caused her to take a few steps back. Sampson and Delilah heeled at her sides, even Nina stood sentry. "I don't judge you and I never will. I, I waassss trying to get the topic off mmmmeeee. I'm sorry I don't understand."

There was something in the way she said that last part that made him pause. He heard the stutter in her voice and knew he was scaring her a bit. He blinked a few times, making sure his emotions were in check as he felt a sheen come to his eyes. "No, I'm sorry. I really am. You just talked about how you fear men and here I go being all...manly." At that she smiled.

"Manly? Maybe that should be my name for you. It worked for Laura Ingalls after all."

"There you go. Intimidating. You just... " he took a deep breath and held it a moment before letting it out. "Manly is out of the question by the way and no, I was definitely NOT a playa. I was skinny, all legs and gangly arms. I never had a hard on and I never will but Grandma, she doesn't see the reality. I mean all she sees is the reality, the physical part anyway. She only seems to think all men just want to fuck and she knows I can't. Well, you understand that better than anyone. Anyway, I can't explain her, just please ignore her if you can."

"If it makes you feel any better-not better but...understood- you don't need an erection to fuck, Manny. Trust me on that. And I don't mean that in the terrible way it sounds, I shouldn't say "fuck" but it can be quite pleasant without the use of a penis." She cleared her throat. "I will never have sex again. Elliot says my view of sex is skewed after all this, but honestly I think it was skewed before. I mean, my parents work special victims and they didn't really shield me from anything. Quite the opposite in fact; Momma made sure I had all the facts about everything. Manny, you know that The Doctor wasn't the only one who… had me. I told you Steven, the bailiff hurt me too, more than once but I want you to know that it didn't stop with them. There were others, many others and that's what my mother and I were arguing about."

Manny was quiet as he studied her face, which was hard since her head was down. "Wanna talk about it? Not the others, although I'll listen anytime. I meant the argument. You and Ms. Olivia are way close and arguing must be difficult." It was hard for him to be a victim of one person, more than once but it was just one man. This wonderful girl in front of him, well; he'd have time to confront those thoughts and feelings later.

Serena copied his earlier movement and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I only told you because I like hanging with you, but there will be many more moments where I will freeze or run and I need you to know that it has nothing to do with you. My mother just wants justice for all, especially me and I just want it done. I don't want to go there again." She then shook out her hands and started to wiggle her body before remembering she wasn't ready for that yet. "Ugh, too many heavy conversations today and I haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Breakfast? Shit, I gotta get ready to check in at school and go talk to my grandmother. Don't be mad at your mom for too long, Serena. It's extremely obvious that she loves you more than anything so… anyway. Later peace girl." He tapped her shoulder before whistling for Nina. The puppies tried to follow but Serena quickly grabbed them by their collars and got them to stay. She watched as he made his way up his steps and she hers.

-SVU-

He found her in the garage pummeling the bag, sweaty and grunting with each punch in rhythm to the hip hop blasting through the speaker. Fin was such a big influence on her. He went back inside to change into sweats and a tank. Her day must have been as shitty as his, and he came home knowing he was going to make it worse. He stood and watched, wondering what the hell happened and how he would be received. Serena told him where to find her. At least the kid looked okay; she was on the patio with his mother, animatedly showing her something on the laptop. Olivia was dressed in a sports bra and biker shorts, soaked in sweat with her hair in a messy ponytail, curling at the ends. Elliot thought she looked sexy as fuck. This was his Badass Benson personified. He loved her when she was laughing and when she was crying. He loved her when she was quiet and when she was screaming at him. He loved her strength and her vulnerability.

"Well, spit it out" she said, not breaking her rhythm. He should have known she knew he was there, despite not being able to hear him. It didn't matter what either was doing, that sense was always aware.

"Ya done?" he inquired. She didn't answer right away. She threw a few more punches before relaxing her arms and taking a few deep breaths. She turned around with her head down and her eyes closed. Elliot hated when Olivia didn't look at him; especially when he knew she was stuck in her head and he needed her focus.

"OK STOP!" she spoke to the speaker, instantly throwing the garage into silence. They always had classical music playing throughout the house on low, more like white noise in the background. The silence unnerved Serena: she said it put pressure on her ears like they were building up to explode. "Go ahead" she said as she raised her arms towards him, indicating she wanted him to remove the gloves as he talked.

Once both gloves were removed and she began shaking out her hands, he got a good look at her. "Holy shit! What happened?" He lightly brushed his fingers against her jaw but she pulled away.

Olivia simply shook her head. "Nothing, it was a complete accident. Tell me why you're home so early."

"Olivia" he said in that barely there, growl voice. She knew she wouldn't get her information until he got his.

Sighing heavily, Liv wiped her brow. "Serena and I were talking; I was caught up in the conversation and triggered her. She panicked and I tried to grab her. Rookie mistake, I know. She has my left cross though." She looked Elliot in the eye. In truth, the pain in her jaw barely registered compared to the knowledge that her baby admitted she wished to die, and all but confirmed that she actually did at least once. "El, just tell me."

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