A/N: It's been so long! My apologies, I have been hanging out at AO3. This story is almost finished, and I wanted to complete it here on ff as well for all those who haven't crossed over. Enjoy!
Since their argument, things had been a bit tight between them. Serena hadn't called Elliot 'daddy' in days (she would make sure to always slip it in somewhere), and they rarely engaged in conversation, not that they did much of that before anyway. He finally put in his papers because no one knew when a retrial would be, and it made no sense to wait anymore. Lt. Elliot Stabler will officially retire on May 6th. Amazingly, he had begun confiding in a therapist, although he adamantly refused to admit it. George Huang was just an old friend after all, and friends talked about lots of things. A few days after meeting him at the courthouse, Elliot had his old friend over for a visit with Liv. Serena knew that may have been true, her mother was glad to see him, and they spent a lot of time catching up, but the ulterior motive was her.
Elliot had come home that day to a quiet dinner and launched a discussion of their reunion. He explained how they went for coffee and talked for hours. Olivia seemed surprised but held Elliot's hand and told him she was glad they were speaking. That must be code for something. Serena learned that the man was extremely smart and sensitive and very brave. They were once all great friends and worked many cases together. George even had to counsel the partners on several occasions both on and off the record. She discovered he fought hard for gay rights and struggled for recognition and respect among his peers. From the blatantly overly animated conversation at the dinner table, Serena was able to deduce that this man pulled no punches and wasn't afraid to speak his mind. Plus, her parents were having that weird, no words, staring conversation at the same time. Definitely code.
"Hey Serena, I see you still love to write" Huang said as he approached her on the patio. She had walked away once introductions were made; he was a strange man in her home and a therapist who was there on a social call, so she made herself scarce. She didn't engage during his visit, but she wasn't going to be outright rude knowing his history with her parents. They obviously had a connection. When she nodded, he took the opportunity to sit down, and she eyed him guardedly. "Elliot says you've written enough to fill an encyclopedia set. What draws you to it?" At the raise of an eyebrow, George clarified, "What do you like to write about?"
Straight to the point, wait…an encyclopedia set? That's what he's going with? "Just whatever's on my mind" she answered politely before emphatically returning to her page. Leave it at that and go. Where the hell is Momma? Or Elliot for that matter, he's his friend. George wasn't threatening, but he gave her a different kind of "creeps". His quiet manner was off-putting, like he was trying to read her mind with his stare.
"Writing is a wonderful way of letting your emotions out. I keep journals myself as a sort of personal therapy. I hear you have your own small group therapy amongst some new friends" he continued. At that, she looked him in the eye with a look that could not deny her parentage; he remained nonplussed. "I recommend therapy of any kind, not just talking but everything from knitting to dance, but group therapy is a great tool. I've worked with countless ones throughout my career. Maybe I can offer some advice or mediation or assist in some way."
"No, thank you" she stated simply and closed her book to stand up. This confirmed her suspicion that Elliot was talking to him as a therapist again. Old friend my ass. Unfortunately, even though she was taking her medicine, her fracture was still healing, and she moved slowly with difficulty. Being a gentleman, on instinct George reached out, which was a mistake. "NO! MOMMA!"
Olivia was in the bathroom, but Elliot flew outside in a heartbeat. "What happened?" He asked George to come gauge if these kids were doing a good thing or holding Serena back from real therapy and healing. He came out and saw George just standing by Serena who was struggling to get up. He crossed in front of his old friend to grab his daughter's elbow, but she shrugged him off too.
"I said, no. You do know what that means, correct? Momma!" She didn't care if she was being bitchy and disrespectful. This man had no right to question her friends and try to hone his way in as another nosey shrink who wanted to probe with rules, specifics, and deep questions. Her own parents weren't even in the room during them. Liv finally came outside. She knew George would never harm Serena, so she didn't know why she was being summoned with a scream when Elliot was right there.
"What's going on?" she asked in general.
"I don't know" started Elliot. "I heard her yell for you, so I came out to help her get up and she yelled again."
"I don't want my head shrunk, nor do I want my life discussed with others so they can have a piece of it. My friends don't deserve to be scrutinized or dissected either. What I write about or talk to my friends about is my business and no one else's. He has no right to question that, none of you do." As the adults stood speechless for a moment, Serena was able to pull herself up and begin to walk. George spoke up.
"I only want to help. Your parents are so worried about you. This is not something you can get past on your own, Serena. Trust me, I know this to be true. You..." She wasn't about to let him finish.
"I didn't ask for your help. I don't need help from you, I don't know you and frankly, I don't care to. I don't trust you. For the record, I am neither homicidal or suicidal, I am no longer silent, I am out and about, eating, exercising, and taking my medicine finally just trying to get through a whole day, rather than just the next second, or minute, or hour. I am getting pretty good at it, actually. I neither want nor need the constant hovering or reminders to dredge up hellish memories and discuss them in detail. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to continue my private writing in a private space."
As she turned to walk down the steps, Elliot finally grabbed her elbow. "Hey, wait just a min..." Again, Serena was not going to let anyone speak as she wrenched her arm free.
"Oh, fuck you, Elliot! I thought I was clear the last time that I don't like being ambushed by your men, yet you keep doing it! Throwing more shit at me! Yo..."
"Enough" Olivia shouted. All was silent, even the ocean waves. She pointed one finger straight at Serena, "You, go to your room." When the teen looked towards the shore instead, she reiterated, "Room, now." Once Serena turned, Elliot began to protest, but Liv held up one finger and stopped him in his tracks until the kid made it inside. "George, I just said goodbye because I thought you were leaving. Did Elliot ask you to come and psychoanalyze my daughter?"
The "my daughter" line was like a slap in the face. "She's my daughter too, Liv and I have every right to try and do what's best for her." The slow turn of his partner's head and the squinting of her eyes told him that wasn't the right thing to say. He was frustrated and he couldn't switch gears fast enough to figure out why, so he stayed silent. As George was about to speak (possibly rescue him), Olivia moved her finger to the man to make him pause as well.
"When was the last time you've talked to her? Really talked to her now that she is no longer desperately gripping reality? We've spoken about how you treat her differently from the others and she knows that. She's not going to suddenly open up to you or anyone else just because you want to know. You can't sneak around things, Elliot when she has this whole either silent or open and honest mentality and you sure as hell cannot sneak around me to get to her. I will not allow that. Yes, she is your daughter and I know you love her, but she is mine." The emphasis on that last word and Liv's body language explained a lot more than words ever could.
George felt it was a good time to interject. "It's obvious that you both love her and each other very much. I always knew that when, not if, you two got together it would be an amazing thing to behold. You are both identical in many ways yet polar opposites, fiercely independent yet codependent on each other. But I'm not here to play marriage counselor so I need you both to take a deep breath right now because you have the same concerns; trying to do the same thing." The two detectives stared him down and it reminded him of the old days, and he smiled.
"I don't believe Serena is in any danger, Elliot. She stated her list and I believe it is true; she is recovering in the way she needs to right now. Physically, other than her recent injury, she is greatly improved, her demeanor is reserved but she's social, and most importantly, she said she was "getting through the whole day and not just each second" and that is wonderful progress."
"Momma!" interrupted his analysis. Olivia took a deep breath and thanked her friend, once again wishing him farewell and left both men to their discussion on the patio knowing that when she came back out, George would be gone, and she'd have to deal with Elliot.
-SVU—
Serena was furious! Elliot did it again; he brought another man who tried to get her to talk about things she didn't want to, but this one brought her friends into it, and she wasn't going to stand for that. Then her mother sends her to her room instead of allowing her to go down by the water. Her room, like she was grounded! Ugh, I get in trouble after what he just did. Whose side is she on now? As Serena walked past Bernie's room, she noticed it was empty. Her grandmother wasn't in the kitchen or next door since Ms. Gladys went into the city. As she took a quick look out the window, she saw no one by the shore and got a sinking feeling in her stomach. Maybe it's just my nerves on edge, I am upset after all, everything is fine, Gramma's fine.
"Momma!" she shouted. The adults were on the patio analyzing her behavior and quite possibly getting ready to put an end to her sessions and now she didn't know where Bernie was. She began taking deep breaths when her mother walked in.
Liv immediately saw that although Serena was still pissed off about what just happened, something new was getting to her. Before she could ask, her daughter beat her to it.
"Where's Gramma? She's not in her room or the kitchen or down by the shore and Ms. Gladys isn't home and since Maddie isn't here where could she be?"
That was a mouthful and Liv put her hands up to stop any escalation. "She's at the cardiologist. Maddie came and took her just after George got here and you slipped away. I thought you knew. She…"
"The cardiologist? Is she okay? Why are we still here entertaining someone when Gramma is at the heart doctor?! We…"
"Stop. She's fine. She goes every six months and since Maddie is more familiar and we had company, she took her as always. It's routine and nothing to worry about. In fact, they should be back soon. Come with me." She reached for Serena's hands, not knowing if her touch would be welcomed but the girl grabbed on and allowed herself to be led into her room, the whole time talking in one panicked, run-on sentence.
"It's not "routine" and she's not fine the poor woman has had her whole life upheaved and she's always stressed and making herself scarce in her own home because we just took over everything and she doesn't get the sleep she needs and have you been paying attention to her medication when Maddie isn't here because honestly I haven't and I feel terrible because all this isn't good for her she's old and needs lazy days to relax not some fucked up kid screaming at all hours keeping her awake and walking on eggshells with horrific images in her head that no one deserves and she's…"
"Sit. Don't move." Serena heeded the simple commands as she sat awkwardly on the edge of her bed watching her mother leave the room. Liv came back almost immediately with a glass of water and an icepack wrapped in a wet towel. "Drink first." As her daughter drank, Liv sat down next to her and applied the towel to her neck. Much like that day when she was angry on the beach, both the cool wetness and her mother's touch calmed Serena down. "You understand that you just told your father to fuck off?"
"Yep, and he deserved it, don't try to tell me otherwise." Voicing the question that was nagging her brain, she asked, "Whose side are you on, Momma? I can't believe I even have to ask you that, but here we are." There was no chagrin or remorse for her remarks, just a fire in her eyes.
Liv was indeed taken aback by that question. "There are no sides, Serena. We both love you very much and…"
"No." Serena put her glass down and pulled the towel away to face her mother. "It was always just you and me and nothing or no one could sever our bond. Team Benson from day one. Elliot has in fact always been a big part of our lives but not like…" Breath… "He doesn't think, just does whatever the fuck… I am so angry, Momma. So, goddam angry that I feel physically ill, and you are no longer right by my side but instead standing over there, in the middle." Breath. "I'm not explaining it right." She took the iced towel, bowed her head, and covered her eyes.
"You" Liv had to clear her throat and waited a few breaths before pulling the towel away forcing Serena to look her in the eyes. "You are mine." She said that with the same fierce, possessive reverence that she used a few minutes ago. "No one, not The Doctor or even Elliot is going to change that. You. Are. Mine."
It was a Benson stare down for several long moments before the teen sighed and placed the ice pack on her abdomen.
"My hormones are all over the place and I'm cramping like a bitch." Liv took that as an acknowledgement and truce.
"Which really means your non-period pain is off the charts and your organs feel like they're in a vice making the other pain you're still experiencing ten times worse." Olivia would come back to today's behavior, but she had to ensure her daughter's comfort first. "Come" she commanded as she situated herself up against the headboard and gathered all the throw pillows Kathleen had accumulated. Really, who needed that many? Liv placed a bed pillow lengthwise down her lap. "I used to get pretty bad periods myself and this helped." She guided Serena to lay on the pillow on her stomach, which, like her mother, she never did, mostly because of her breathing issues. After receiving a questioning look, all she did was beckon with a "Trust me."
After some finagling, Serena was face down on the pillow. Olivia then placed one of the throws right under Serena's navel, where her torso met her pelvis. Once in place, Liv laid her arm on her daughter's back and pressed lightly. The sigh of relief was instantaneous. Serena adjusted her head to face Liv's stomach and proceeded to grab the bottom of Liv's shirt and hold it up to her face and breathe. With her other hand, she fisted the side of Liv's yoga pants while Liv removed the ice pack and replaced the cool towel on her neck. Olivia's legs kept her upper half elevated while relieving the stress of her healing bone in addition to putting pressure where she needed it. Liv sat quietly for some time, feeling her daughter's body relax and her breathing even out. She was stroking her hair when she saw the journal on the nightstand had fallen open on the bed.
"Dear Momma" was written in Serena's slanty writing across the top of the page. She remembered that is exactly how the last entry she read, the one about the baby, began. Dear God, the journals are for me. She's writing her stories down for me since she can't tell me directly. Oh, baby! Liv bent down to kiss her daughter's head. She noticed Serena didn't take off her glasses so, very gently, and with creative movement, Olivia was able to remove the glasses before any damage could be done to them. She continued stroking her daughter's hair; her older, wiser, fierce, brilliant, more independent, stubborn, defiant, kind, caring, beautiful daughter. Her little girl was lost to the world for a while, and now she seems to be lost to herself. Again, Liv looked at the open journal. I want to understand baby, anything you want to tell me. Serena was already angry; would she see this as the ultimate betrayal? She left her notebooks all over her room, trusting that they would remain private.
"You could read it" came the sleepy, muffled voice of her favorite human as she adjusted her face after her glasses were unceremoniously removed. Liv wasn't sure if she herself had spoken out loud or if Serena was mumbling in her sleep or if she had awakened at the movement and was really giving her permission to read the journal.
Liv bent down once again and whispered, "What's that angel?" The only response she got was Serena pulling on her shirt and taking another deep breath. Well, it's addressed to me. With that, Olivia took the journal and quickly flipped through. She saw that this particular one had what looked like chapters partially filled in various spots. She opened to the beginning and used Serena's glasses to read. She could only use the tops of the glasses as Serena's prescription was so strong, she couldn't use the bifocals.
"Dear Momma,"