Quinn felt around the empty bed, reluctant to be awake. When she opened her eyes and saw Santana in a chair at the foot of the bed staring at her. "Ugh, you have serious face on…can I get some caffeine first?" Santana nodded to the bedside table and Quinn looked over to see her favorite energy drink, a yerba mate, there. "Thank you." She sat up and took the yellow can into her hands.
Santana sat quietly as Quinn drank her drink and tried to wake up. She was still trying to sort a lot of her own feelings in this. The detangling of what was fair to be annoyed at Quinn for felt murky and heavy. When Quinn finished, San knew what the next request would be, "Go take a quick shower, we have time. I stopped by the apartment this morning with Britt to grab our stuff, you have a change of clothes in the bathroom."
Quinn stood up, "Is Britt okay?"
"As okay as she can be." Santana told her, never taking her eyes from the girls face. She wondered how long Quinn was going to drag this out. If her recent behavior was anything to go off, she knew that Quinn was going to try and milk it.
"Did you see Rachel?" Quinn asked, hesitating by the bed.
"Quinn, go take a shower." Santana said.
"Yes ma'am." She turned to go shower and then turned back to Santana who for her part looked slightly amused. "Am…Do…you…should I be thinking about something?"
Santana raised an eyebrow, "Should you be thinking about something?"
Quinn was annoyed with how frazzled Santana could make her, "Usually when you send me away, you tell me…"
Santana thought about just sending Quinn away, but she wasn't completely heartless, so she opened her arms and Quinn walked over and threw herself down on to her girl. Santana wrapped her arms tight around the girl, and kissed the side of her face, "I love you, Baby."
"But you're mad at me?" Quinn asked in a small voice. She reached down to play with the promise ring that Santana had bought them both for graduation. Their rings matched but she always liked to play with Santana's ring when she was nervous.
"What did I tell you to do, first?" San asked her. This was part of the issue. In finding some 'balance' Quinn had forgotten who made the calls in their relationship, but that was only a small issue here.
"You opened your arms." Quinn defended, burying her face into Santana's neck.
Santana squeezed her tighter. "What could you maybe be thinking about while you shower?"
"I don't know…." Quinn whined.
"Everything in me wants to be understanding but even in kindergarten, you did not whine this much." Santana told her.
"I'm sorry."
"You've been sorry a lot this weekend." Santana told her.
"Are you mad that…"
"Mad isn't the right word, Baby. I'm not feeling angry." Santana told her, rooting around in her brain for what the right word was, trying to avoid the one right in front of her.
"Then?" Quinn asked.
"Shower. Now." Santana said, patting her leg.
"No, tell me first." Quinn said, making her body dead weight as well.
"Quinn. Go. Shower. Now." Santana said, enunciating each word quietly in the girl's ear.
"I don't want to. I want to talk." Quinn whined.
"The proper answer is yes ma'am and then obedience." Santana told her.
"I want to talk." Quinn repeated, trying to burrow closer to S.
Quinn was really throwing her for a loop lately, and Santana was struggling to keep up. "Okay, then go grab my belt from my backpack and let's talk about how you are having such a hard time listening lately."
"S!" Quinn squealed.
"We are either having a 'discussion' or you are going to say, 'yes ma'am' and do as you are told, which is it Quinn?" Santana asked, patting her thigh harder.
"Yes ma'am." Quinn whispered, standing to obey.
Santana moved to the bed while Quinn was in the shower. Quinn came out in the dress that S had picked for her. She was looking down as she came out. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Quinn said quickly.
"Liar, what's wrong?" Santana asked. She could tell by Quinn's body language that something was off.
"You picked this?" Quinn asked, looking down at the floral dress.
"You love that dress." Santana said confused.
"Yeah, but you always say that you love my ass in jeans." Quinn said.
"Oh…" Santana said, catching on. "We are going to have an uncomfortable conversation, so I wanted you to feel as comfortable as I could help you be."
Quinn sat down on Santana's lap again and snuggled close. Santana welcomed the girl and kissed down the side of her face, making Quinn giggle. "So if you aren't angry, what are you?"
"I may be a little angry, but there is more going on too."
"Like what?" Quinn asked.
"All in due time, Baby. Did you think about anything while you were in the shower?" San asked her.
"I've been whining so much?" Quinn asked.
Santana laughed at that, "That has made me angry." She tickled Quinn, "Not a bad place to start: What's up with that this weekend?"
Quinn giggled again, squirming in Santana's arms. "Everything just felt too big this weekend, normal communication was too much. You were very patient though."
"Yeah, great lead in to point two, maybe too patient. Since when do you tell me no? Everything I told you to do was meet with a no." Santana frowned down at her. She wanted Quinn to feel safe, but needed her to know they were shifting to a more serious tone.
Quinn bit her lip thinking back on the last few days. She really had told Santana no a lot. "Like I said, lots of big feelings." She couldn't really figure out too much beyond that.
"I'm going to ask you a couple questions, and I want you to take a second to think before you answer. Understood?"
"Yes Ma'am." Quinn shifted so that she was sitting up, mirroring Santana sitting crisscross applesauce on the bed with their knees touching.
"You said something last night about college turning you into a switch, is that a real feeling you are having?"
Quinn wanted to answer right away but counted to ten first, hoping that was a long enough pause. "I was joking." She really was, in fact, if anything, she was wishing that Santana would take more control during this time of chaos but didn't want to add stress to Santana's plate, when she was also starting something new.
"I've been trying really hard to be more patient and not let my temper get the best of me…I'm trying to allow room for things not to be perfect, but it feels like it is leaving a lot of room for confused boundaries." Santana said.
Quinn tilted her head to the side and frowned, she hadn't thought about it but agreed with the statement now that it was in her mind. "There wasn't a question there." Perfection was something that they were working on collectively though. Both she and Santana strived for perfection, because their parents had, but they were trying to learn that sometimes just the striving was good.
Santana nodded. "When you asked to go to the party, you said that you understood Rachel needing to spread her wings…"
"Also not a question, and the speed at which you just switched gears is giving me whiplash." Quinn told her. Honestly trying to keep up with the common point in all of these half-formed thoughts.
"Parts of our relationship are going to always be evolving, they need to be." Santana stated. "But is switching…or more space something that you are feeling the need to evolve into?"
"No." Quinn said quickly and firmly.
"Quinn…"
"I know that you said wait, but I don't need to think about it. I enjoy that we are communicating through things more effectively, but I like the clear boundaries. I appreciate that you are the boss of this relationship." Quinn told her.
"Then why have you been pushing back since school started?" Santana asked her honestly. Her eyes searched Quinn's face looking for an answer that she was sure was hidden there.
Quinn paused at that and thought through the last month. She blushed and then threw herself backwards. "I don't know."
That was a lie, Santana had watched the exact moment that the answer had dawned on Quinn. "Go get my belt if you can't answer me properly."
Quinn sat back up quickly. Her expression had changed, and she raised an eyebrow of her own, "Why have you let me?"
Santana nodded at the fair question, "I like seeing you, it's hard to only get a little bit of time and then to have to use it to punish you just sucks. We have had this conversation before, though, and I thought that we had come to a resolve."
"We have?" Quinn asked.
"Yes. With your school work, if you feel like you are being neglected, what are you supposed to do?" Santana asked her.
"I wasn't feeling neglected." Quinn said, now having to be the one to search her mind for the correct word to use, she settled on the one that had she had been feeling in her very bones recently, "I've been feeling chaotic."
"Still, why not talk to me about it?" Santana asked.
Quinn picked at the quilt thinking about why she hadn't spoken to S sooner about everything going on in her head. "You usually just know."
Santana nodded, "Did you feel like I didn't care enough to know?"
"No." Quinn said quickly. "I just thought that you were also adjusting to this new life and I didn't want to add more to your plate."
Santana nodded, she wanted to interject but used every ounce of will power to keep quiet so that Quinn could continue.
Quinn crawled into Santana's lap, "I do not want to switch. I do want to firm back up on boundaries, and I will work hard to not push back on the rules."
"I will work hard to set and enforce the boundaries, even when it sucks." Santana told her, she rocked with her girl knowing the hardest part to navigate was coming up. "I've also been feeling a little…" She hesitated, still feeling unconfident in this word. "Disappointed." The word settled harshly between the two of them.
Quinn pulled away, and Santana could see the tears that had instantly started falling at her statement. Quinn sniffled, "In me?"
"In us, I think." Santana told her honestly.
"You haven't said that to me in a long time."
"I know," Santana told her, "And I really weighed what it would mean to say it to you today. I knew you would be upset, but this conversation is important for us to have."
"In us both?" Quinn clarified.
"Yeah, the two of us have never really come up against something that we haven't been able to conquer together, and I feel like we failed miserably this weekend. That's a hard thing to face." Santana told her. She started rocking with Quinn again thinking. "I don't think that's the only thing we've failed at recently either."
Failed was another word that Quinn hated more than anything. "Failed at what?
"What did you ask me for?"
"Space to figure this Rachel thing out."
"Yeah, before it was space that you wanted, what did you ask for?" Santana asked, thinking back to their original conversation.
"Room for you to trust me to be able to handle Rachel." Quinn said, after a moment of also thinking back to that night.
"Do you think that trust was built in that?" Santana asked her.
"I don't know what I could have done differently. I didn't know that things were going to go south in that way." Quinn said, honestly trying to figure out what Santana had told her.
"You can't think of anything that you could have done to alleviate some of the chaos this weekend?" Santana asked her, trying and failing to keep the surprise out of her voice.
"Tell me." Quinn said, irritation slipping into her own voice.
"I'm going to ask you a question that's going to feel a little convoluted: Did you trust me to actually trust you with Rachel?" Santana asked her.
Quinn opened her mouth to say that she trusted Santana with her everything, but she closed it as she thought about the question. "I…I don't know."
"Think about it while I plunge on: Do you trust me to trust you to self-report at school?" Santana asked.
Quinn was really frustrated now. "I don't like for you to use the word trust like that."
Santana tried not to snap back at her. Quinn's tone was out of control lately. "Okay, what's a better one?"
"A better word?" Quinn asked. Santana smirked and nodded at the obvious stall tactic. "I feel like we trust each other."
"I think that's usually true, we are just noticing some cracks in the foundation. If we respond as we see them, it isn't dire. In fact it's bound to happen. How are we resolving it and filling in the crack?"
"Usually we just identify it and then exercise that muscle." Quinn said.
"That didn't work this time. I let you go to this party, you went, and that muscle didn't get stronger, if anything it got strained." Santana told her. She felt Quinn stiffen under her. "So now what?"
"We've never had a now what after we try." Quinn said.
"I know, this is new. That's why it's uncomfortable, but it's also important for that reason." Santana told her, leaning down to kiss her ear.
Quinn relaxed a little. "Do you have any ideas about what we should do?"
"I do. This isn't the only thing I want to talk about though, so I don't want you to agree to something and then feel tricked." Santana told her.
"Okay, tell me what you think, then we will pause, and I will listen to the next thing before we make a choice." Quinn told her. Santana bit her lip, looking down at her girl's face. "Oh, you look nervous, that's not good."
Santana laughed at that observation. "I think that Britt and Rachel are going to need some help."
"I will help Britt; Rachel can go screw herself." Quinn said firmly. Santana reached out and gave Quinn a mighty swat. "Ow! Santana!"
"So, what, you are just not going to be her friend ever again? Never going to come back to New York and see Britt?" Santana asked.
"Hopefully they will break up and Rachel will move out." Quinn growled.
Santana winced. "I need you in a good headspace for this conversation; I think we are missing that mark."
"No, you want me in a submissive headspace, and I'm not there." Quinn pushed up and scooted off of Santana's lap.
"I would like it if you were in that headspace most of the time." Santana agreed. "Is that not what you want?"
Quinn had expected Santana to object, so she felt thrown off. "I…I do want that…"
"When it suits you?" Santana asked, working to keep any judgement from her tone.
"Don't…" Quinn whined.
"Stop." Santana's voice cracked. Quinn instantly looked up. "Is that a true statement, or no?"
"That's probably how it feels…"
"Is it what you want?"
"No. It makes me feel chaotic." Quinn said honestly.
"So, if I tightened up the reigns again, you aren't going to feel suffocated?" Santana asked honestly.
"No, I think it will make me feel better." Quinn said.
"So then when I say, 'Quinn, you need to talk to Rachel…'?"
"Really Santana?"
"Really, Quinn, that's why I wanted to discuss Rachel before we made a choice on the level of control I would be taking over." Santana told her.
"I don't want to do that." Quinn snapped.
"There has been a lot of things you don't want to do recently, Quinn and instead of communicating with me, you've been throwing a huge fit all weekend." Santana growled. "I tried to communicate with you all weekend. The old Santana would have just hauled you over my knee until you told me what was wrong, and my reward for that was you shutting me out. How do you think that made me feel?"
Quinn picked at the quilt, "Angry?"
"Yeah, and powerless, and hurt and…disappointed." Santana told her growing quieter with each word.
Tears sprang to Quinn's eyes again, "I know I've said it a lot, but I am sorry."
Santana watched Quinn slip into a more submissive frame of mind. "Switching gears just the slightest amount…how would you feel if I took a more hands on approach with Rachel?" Santana watched anger flash across Quinn's face before she schooled it. "Don't you dare, Quinn. I asked you a question, you don't get to hide from me."
"I don't know how I would feel…did Rachel ask you to?" Quinn started picking at the quilt again.
"No one has, but I was going to talk to Britt about it tonight." Santana said, "And I don't think it's a bad idea unless it makes you upset. So does it?"
"I'm feeling torn about that." Quinn said honestly.
"Talk it out." Santana commanded, reaching to pull Quinn back into her lap. Quinn helped and gladly took her spot back.
"On one hand, it's very intimate to spank someone." Quinn told her.
"You aren't wrong. It would be different though." Santana assured her.
"What if it's not?" Quinn asked. She turned so her back leaned against S and pulled her legs up.
"If it's not, then I will immediately stop, and call you or come get you so that we can talk about it." Santana whispered in her ear. "But I do think that it will be entirely different, amor."
"But you promise to stop right away if it's not?"
"Prometo" Santana told her.
"Why do you think you will need to?" Quinn started to play with Santana's ring.
Santana hummed in her ear. "Do you know what makes things a little easier for us?"
"Neither of us are spoiled brats." Quinn seethed.
"Quinn, it's gotta stop. You are starting to sound like a spoiled brat with all of the whining and venom this weekend, do I tolerate that?" Santana asked her. When Quinn didn't answer, Santana blew in her ear, happy to hear Quinn's laughter in response. "Are you being coachable?" Quinn still didn't answer, "Mi Amada, I asked you a question."
"I am not, and you do not." Quinn acknowledged. It was always a little dangerous when Santana started using so much Spanish.
"Things have been easier for us because our parents laid a strong foundation for us. They were strict but we had many discussions on why that's important. I think that Rachel may need some of that foundation." Santana told her.
"I guess I can see that."
"So, on one hand, you are upset about the intimacy, what about the other hand?" Santana whispered.
"On the other hand, I know that you won't let Rachel get away with anything, and it's about time she had actual rules." Quinn said.
Quinn really was sounding like a brat to S, and she was having a hard time swallowing that. "Yes, but she would still be learning, and I would expect you to not only be around, but to be extra good so that Rachel sees how to act."
"Great, so Rachel is a cheater and all of a sudden you are cracking down on me?" Quinn growled.
Santana scooted Quinn off her lap and stood up. She walked over to her backpack and pulled the belt out. "Turn the TV on."
"Santana!" Quinn jumped up, "Wait."
"No. I've been more than patient. We can finish this talk after."
"Please."
Santana walked over to the bedside table, grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. She sat down and pulled a struggling Quinn over her knees and immediately started in with the belt. She wasn't going easy either.
Quinn was unnerved by the total silence from Santana instead of lecturing, but she knew that Santana was waiting on her to submit. She took a few breaths and reminded herself that her and Santana were on the same team. After a moment she was able to relax and force herself to be still and untense.
"Such a good girl." Santana told her as she sat the belt down next to her. Quinn was softly crying, and Santana started to rub her back. "I'm going to let you up Quinn, you are going to stand up, take your panties off, and go stand in the corner, am I understood?"
"Yes Ma'am."
Santana patted her back letting her know she could stand, and Quinn did as she was told. Santana waited for ten minutes to make sure Quinn was completely submitting. "You may turn around, but keep your hands locked behind your head, and do not come out of the corner." Quinn turned to face her. "Are you ready to continue this conversation, or do you need more time?"
"I'm ready."
Santana moved back to leaning against the headboard and motioned for Quinn to come to her. "I want you to lie over my knees Baby, I'm gonna rub your back." Quinn gladly obeyed.
"I know that the Rachel thing is going to be hard, and I'm not saying you have to forgive her right now, but you do need to be the bigger person, am I understood?"
"Yes ma'am." Quinn agreed. She could play nice she supposed.
"Good girl. I did some digging and there is a math tutor at NYU who can help you when you are here on weekends, I would like you to keep coming, to help stabilize things. If we try it a couple times and it's not working, we will pull the trigger on me only going to New Haven the rest of the semester, is that okay?" Santana asked, she leaned into the back rub, hoping to work out some of Quinn's tension knots.
"I want to say yes, but I really am nervous about being around Rachel right now." Quinn said honestly. She turned her head to look at San.
Santana used her other hand to rub Quinn's head, know it truly was the girls love language. "I think the first solution to that is going to be us tightening up in our relationship. You having firm boundaries again will make things feel easier with Rachel, I'm sure."
"And the second thing?" Quinn asked.
"Time. Rachel and Britt are going to both be calling every night. I want you to talk to both of them. Even if you only talk to Rachel for five minutes, I want you to talk to her every night this week."
'Submit' Quinn told herself. She needed to go back to letting Santana be in control and she knew that. Five minutes a night was not that long. Santana wasn't sure which way the conversation was going to go by the extreme battle on Quinn's face. She decided to help her out a little bit. She flipped up the bottom of Quinn's dress and moved her hand from rubbing Quinn's back to gently rubbing her bottom. "Yes Ma'am."
"Thank you, Quinn." Santana said. "Are we in agreement about being stricter?"
"Yes ma'am." This time without hesitation.
"What about me punishing Rachel?"
"Can we leave it open to talk about it after the first time?"
"Of course. Final question: You are going to keep communicating with me, correct?"
"Yes Ma'am. I promise."
Santana leaned down to kiss the side of Quinn's face, "I love you."
Quinn nodded, "I love you too." She knew what was coming though, and rolled a little bit so that her bottom was presented to her girlfriend. Santana reached past her to pick up the belt. She rested it on Quinn's bottom.
"Quinn, my love, this is going to be a hard one." Santana warned her.
"I know, S." Quinn assured her.
Santana nodded before lighting into Quinn. She lectured on all of the things that would not be happening anymore going forward like defiance and whining. It was for sure one of the hardest spankings that she had ever handed out, and Quinn lay sobbing at the end of it.
Santana pulled the girl up into her arms after and sang to her until she fell asleep.
-Glee-
Later that night in New Haven, Quinn was again laying over Santana's knees, this time as the Latina rubbed lotion into her bottom and praised her generously for her behavior that day. Santana paused as her phone screen lit up and Quinn felt her stiffen. She reached over and picked it up. "Hey Rach, how's it going there?"
Quinn also stiffened at the mention of Rachel's name. She listened as Santana idle chatted with her about having spent the day just lounging around once they had made it to New Haven. After a few minutes there was a pause. "I'm proud of you for calling, Rachel." She felt Quinn stiffen even more. "Quinn is here and wants to talk to you for a little bit too."
Quinn sat up on her knees careful not to let her bottom touch anything and took the offered phone. "Hello?"
"Hey," She heard Rachel say nervously. Quinn pushed off the bed and went to stand by the door.
They were both quiet for a moment and she locked eyes with Santana. "How are you holding up?"
"It's been rough." Rachel said softly. "Britt has avoided me all day."
Quinn bit her lip, she could hear the upset in Rachel's tone. "Do you blame her?"
"No." Rachel said. "I wanted to say I was sorry, Quinn. I put you in a rough spot."
Quinn kept her eyes on Santana, "You did Rach, and it was really unfair."
"I know sorry isn't enough, but I'm hoping you will let me try to fix things."
"Its going to take a lot of work Rach, but I'm sorry we can fix this." Quinn told her, totally caving to the sound of Rachel's broken voice. She looked down so that she couldn't see Santana's face.
"I will do whatever, thank you so much, Quinn!" Rachel said, breaking down into sobs.
"Shh…everything is going to be okay." Quinn soothed gently. Suddenly Quinn wished she were in New York to be holding her. "Everything is going to be okay." Like Santana she talked to Rachel for a little while about mundane things before promising to talk to her the next day. When she got off the phone she stayed where she was by the door.
"What are you thinking?" Santana asked, watching her girlfriend scrape her nail on her dresser.
"I'm tired." Quinn said, still not looking at her.
"Do you need a minute?" Santana asked. Quinn nodded. "Okay, go take a shower while I call Britt, but I expect you to be ready to tell me what's going on in your head when you come back."
"Yes Ma'am." Quinn tossed Santana's phone back to her, grabbed some PJs and went down the hall to shower.
"Hey Britt, I have an idea I want to run by you…" Santana started the moment Brittany picked up the phone.