Joker's day was going... poorly, so far. How poorly?

Well, for one thing, there was a geth on the wing. Yup. Vandalizing his ride, breaking the port navigation lights as well as a few on the Normandy's keel. And it wasn't even a whole geth, either; it looked old, half put-together prime, one arm seemingly useless and all kinds of wires and half-attached parts backlit by the Alarai's navigation lights. It reminded him of Frankenstein's monster, but the first thought that really came to mind was:

Gremlin. Geth. Gremleth? Gethlin? So here he was, half-eaten burrito in hand, watching from port observation as this gethlin look up from it's foul deed with a flickering red eye.

To say that Joker's day was going poorly would be an understatement.

And how was there a geth on the wing, you might ask? They were currently attached to a quarian cruiser that was swarming with them. This unlucky shmuck probably got spaced by a desperate passenger. Why were they attached to a ship filled with gethlins? And why wasn't he the one at the helm at current? Well, there's an entirely reasonable, simple, logical answer to that question.

Politicians. And honestly, he'd really needed a burrito with the way his day was going.

4 hours earlier...

If Joker had his way, today would be great. Or at least half-decent. Hopefully nothing would need to be shot, at least; at best, they were dealing with a misunderstanding, at worst, some politician was just trying to start something. Tali's dad was an admiral, and though the role might be different in quarian culture, a REMF was still a REMF, and some of those cake eaters loved to play politics. If he ever saw Rear Admiral Mikhailovich again, he was going bust his knuckles on that man's nose.

If he was drunk. No way was he throwing a punch sober. But nobody insulted his baby. Even if that baby was gone-

-the light of the blast forced him to blink-

Nope, not going there! He forced a yawn as he stepped into the Captain's Cabin with two coffees in hand.

"Mornin'!" He grinned at the Commander as she shot him a glare. She was hunched over her personal workbench, her omni-tool in neat pieces before her. "Find any bugs in there?"

"The only bug in here is you; shoo fly, don't bother me." She turned back to her task.

"Yeah, no, not after yesterday." He shuffled over and set her coffee down next to her. "I know you two have been bucking heads, but that was next-level. You threw potatoes, Shepard."

"Is there a point to this?" She grit out as she ran a q-tip delicately down the inside housing of the tool's shell. "You're already in charge of the ship-and I emphasis that it will be temporary."

"The ship, yeah, but what happens when something needs shooting? I can't magically make you all get along." he pointed out. "And back in the mess, when Tali told you her life might be in the can, all you two could focus on was your... well, I can't call it a measuring contest, can I?"

"You think I don't care about Tali." She set her tool down stiffly and glared at him. "You get one thing straight; there is nothing I care about more than this crew, and you know it!"

Part of him felt relieved she finally brought up the stunt he pulled over Alchera. But most of him felt incensed. "Then think about how she feels right now! You're her closest friends, and you couldn't stop ripping into each other even after she told you what happened. I'm no people person, but I'm pretty sure she's heartbroken. And you don't want know what scuttlebutt's been passing around about that fight."

"I was under the impression that you were always the scuttlebutt source on this ship." She accused. Joker scowled.

"No; scuttlebutt comes to me. All of it; what else am I supposed to do as a hobby, ice skating?" He quipped experimentally, to see if humor might defuse her a little. Her glare only deepened. "My point is, there's cracks in moral. There's going to be cracks in the ground unit, too, if you two don't fix this."

"Garrus isn't exactly talking to me right now. He ignores me outside drills." Joker rolled one shoulder restlessly, disappointed.

"You're Commander Shepard, make him listen." He turned and wandered towards the door. "Ask him to truce for this quarian mess at least, make it a bit easier on Tali."

Why me! Part of him kind of wanted her anger. Ever since they reunited, he'd been waiting for some kind of conversation about what had happened. Angsty mutual emotional breakdown, angry superior officer dressing-down, a cold shoulder, something. But no, nothing. That part of him who wanted the confrontation was the same part that thought ripping the vacuum-safe waterproof bandaids off fast would hurt less(fun fact; not true).

But the other part of his brain was the part that hated people. And being social. And socializing with people. He kept his tongue sharp for a reason, cutting wit was an introvert's best friend. He hated being the reasonable one in any situation, he was a pilot with masters in engineering and several areas of mathematics, not some cake eating HR drone with a gender studies degree. He solved problems by flying away from them or initiating an orbital strike.

Not words. Even if some of his finer remarks could level a city.

This part of his brain was content to let the problem lie. That was how he wound up stuck with this nickname, how he aggravated many a break when he was younger, and how he still hadn't briefed Crow on the 'contents easily broken' problem. But honestly, if he waited long enough that problem should solve itself since the new guy spent all his time in med bay. To get to the point; being reasonable was exhausting, starting the reasonable conversation was more so, and it was worse when the people you were trying to reason with were the ones typically relied upon to to do most of that reasoning bullshit in the first place.

He really wished Shepard had asked Chakwas to do this instead of him. When he'd said she should, she'd denied the request; her reasoning was 'you're the one flying the ship, you know better than anyone how to keep her safe', or some bullshit along those lines. He really hated Reasonable Shepard.

He was starting to hate Spud Launcher Shepard, too. And... actually, he couldn't come up with a stupid name for Garrus right now. He took a long drink of coffee instead as the doors opened to the CIC.

I'll come up with one later. For now, he had Flight Engineer to kick out of his chair...

"One million seven hundred seventy one thousand five hundred sixty one. That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of ten, producing a new generation every twelve hours-"

"Joker!" Tali's voice called over comms. He hit cancel on the window his show on to fast he struck the console itself. Face hot, Joker clicked output, examining his thumb as he did so.

"Yeah? Might've broke my thumb on EDI's mute button, make it snappy." he requested. Poor Tali had decided to face the music by herself, telling an incensed Garrus and Shepard that she didn't want her people to see them bickering(which they started to do again after she left the airlock, to his great disappointment). He'd go with her if he could; probably Ken and Gabby, too, but it would mean he'd have to put on one of those awful medical exo-suits.

"They've changed my name!" the quarian snapped. "They've changed it to 'vas Normandy, those bosh'tets!"

"Hey, that's my ship you're talking about!" he scolded, only half-joking.

"It means that the captain of the Neema can no longer stand in my defense. In a quarian courtroom, the Captain of the ship the accused serves on acts as an attorney." Which meant...

If we hadn't given her a ride, she'd have no defense right now! Those-

"Joker?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll get Shepard, just hang tight." he rose carefully from his chair.

"Uh... Joker..." why did she sound like that? Why was she using her 'I've got worse news' voice? "Remember how she, um... put you in charge yesterday? By quarian law, you're technically... acting Captain."

"...I can't go dump her back in command to avoid this, can I?"

"They already know you're in charge... I might have let it slip before I knew about the name change."

"Okay. Give twenty. You have twenty, right?" he asked, blood starting to boil.

"I'm not sure they'll wait that long." he could mentally picture her shaking her head in an 'I'm getting a migrain' way.

"Well, tell them that the only way I have of leaving the ship is a stupid exo-suit that takes twenty minutes to assemble. So tell them, in these exact words, that unless they want me to jump out there in nothing but braces and a birthday suit, they'll give me twenty minutes!"

"I'll try to get the message across, but get here as soon as you can." she promised nervously. Joker turned of the output. Deep breath in, deep breath out...

"SHIIIIIIIIIT!" everyone else on the deck jumped.

Guess who forgot to update last week? Yeah. This gal right here. I didn't realize until sunday, and I waiting until today because my OCD said so. Wednesday master race. I got halfway through writing this one when I realized I had given myself a far-fetched excuse to put Joker in a room full of politicians. An angry Joker. I'm embracing the concept.

Joker's degrees were based the actual educational requirements that were needed to pilot a space shuttle. Flight Engineers assisted pilots and mission commanders in flying the shuttle. Also, nautical and aviation terms used in this chapter:

Port: Left, from the pilot's perspective.

Starboard: Right, from a pilot's perspective.

Keel: the 'spine' of a ship. In water, it is located along the bottom. On the Normandy, it's along the top.

Navigation Lights: Lights on the wings of an airplane that make them easier to see at night by other planes. I could see this concept applying to spaceship easily, but instead of just on the wings, they are along other parts of the ship as well. On the Normandy, these would likely be turned off when the IES is active, and back on when: going through a relay, navigating well-populated systems, during EVA such as when minor repairs are needed, and, of course, when docking with another ship.

Nacel: Compartment where a plane engine is housed, or in this case, Normandy's main thrusters.

Gremlins: Pilot's myth dating back to World War Two; supposedly, strange creatures that would break things and cause inconvenience during a flight. It originated in the Royal Airforce, and spread to popular culture, eliciting 'sightings', books, and even featuring on posters during the war. They inspired the Gremlins movies, that one Twilight Zone episode, and I can easily see them remaining a popular folktale in space.

Guest: Don't worry, I have big plans for exploring the natural intuition of the Light.

edboy: thanky you.

A Sleeping Moon: As much as I appreciate a good review bombing, I highly suggest you read up on what's been going on in d2 over the last couple of years, since you mentioned you hadn't played in a while in one of you To Trails End reviews. If anything, look up My Name is Byf on youtube and watch some of his tuff, he does great breakdowns on events in the game's history, lore, and the events impact upon it. That being said, welcome to the party.

Guest: As I've said, I always felt there should have been more fallout from his mission, given how deeply personal it is, especially if you're playing as Akuze Shep, who's also experienced the loss of a unit.

evattude: Very glad you liked it!

YeTianshi: Jack is literally psychotic. She never denies it, either. Nothing she does is supposed to make sense. In her mind, wanting to see if she can actually kill Crow as much as she wants is too good to pass up. The concept of killing with even less consequences than she's used to entices her, and the fact that Crow is used to letting people step all over him all the time is even better.

MystiYew: If it make's you feel better, I missed THIS update, lol.

I'm not going to lie, Setting Joker loose on the Rayya makes no sense... but it also makes perfect sense, and I've written myself into this corner on purpose. I'm gonna have a stupid amount of fun with this.

Fare Thee Well!