"All right, just get it over with." Joker couldn't believe this. He'd rather swallow acid after chewing on razor blades than wear this thing, but here he was, letting Chakwas double-check the locks and microservo systems. He wished he could just sit here and glare at the wall all day, but unfortunately, he actually had to be reasonable. Again.
As he suffered through the peak of personal humiliation, Crow walked into the med bay with a harried look about him.
"I-" he double-took when he noticed them. "What... is everyone that stir crazy? It's like an active brood in here."
"Do I want to know the answer to 'brood of what, exactly?'" Chakwas asked, not looking up from the readouts on her data pad.
"Hive." The Awoken clarified, shuffling his feet slightly. "That was rhetorical wasn't it?"
"How'd you guess?" Joker snorted. Crow side-eyed him as he walked past to set a data pad on Chakwas' desk.
"Same way I recognized that as rhetorical." He answered. "Dr. Chakwas, Thane said to pass this to you."
"Good." She tightened a lock, and he winced as the corresponding plate pinched his leg. He much preferred his braces to this thing, but he couldn't wear them in a normal EVA suit, so this was the only environmentally-sealed hardsuit he was able to wear. The quarians, if nothing else, had made it clear they didn't want even an inch of his filthy foreign self exposed in their courtroom. The one that apparently featured a bioactive garden.
"What is going on, anyway?" Crow asked, leaning against the desk. Glint appeared and settled down on his shoulder like a parrot. "I thought Tali was the one they wanted."
"I'm in charge as of yesterday, they changed her name to 'vas Normandy', and apparently being in charge makes me her lawyer." Joker rattled off. And for some reason, seeing as the day couldn't get any worse, his brain decided he should drop the 'v' bomb. "And I have to wear this shit thing because I have vroliks."
"Language."
"Gazuntite."
"It's a disease." He snorted. Not a bad attempt at humor on Crow's part, 'gazuntite' was a good tool to have in the box. Had to work on his delivery, though. "My bones are hollow. You seriously haven't heard?"
"That's a thing in this reality?" The Awoken's face twisted as if trying to comprehend the concept, and Glint's shell twisted slightly. Not the typical reaction, but this was Crow; Crow was confused by the coffee maker. That was a relief, actually. He preferred confusion to pity any day.
"What did you think was wrong with me, gout?" He snarked. Crow shrugged.
"No, I've seen gout, there's a lot of it on the Shore." An the prize for disturbing Crow quote of the day goes to... that right there! Only from Crow could you hear about an agonizing arthritis as a casual problem that most people had.
"Mr. Moreau, Engineer Zorah has asked me to inform you that the Admiralty Board is no longer willing to wait. They will be starting the trial shortly regardless of your presence." EDI informed over the comms.
"Shit!" He pushed himself to his feet, fighting the instinct of 'you're not wearing your braces you idiot'. "I'm gonna use this suit to strangle someone!"
"Try not to." Chakwas requested, moving back so he could beat feet out of the med bay.
"If I try to make a new career out of this, jettison me!" And as far as dropping the 'my bones break if I sneeze too hard' bomb and running went, he'd say this was the best way it had ever gone, thanks to Crow's constant state of confusion.
The airlock opened, and all hell broke loose.
"Ah, Captain... what was it again?" The first quarian to greet him asked nervously.
"I'm a pilot." He corrected. "I just happen to be in charge, unfortunately for you."
"And your name is...?" The quarian prompted. Inigo Montoya, Joker responded mentally despite the temptation to say it out loud.
"Jeff Moreau." He may not have asked for his nickname, but it had grown on him over the years. It was certainly more unique than 'Jeff', but at least 'Moreau' sounded captain-y. "Where's Tali?"
"Down this way, they've started already, so I don't know if-"
"You let them start without me?" He scowled at the man, before limping down the hall as fast as his body(and this ridiculous exosuit) would let him.
" I wouldn't say 'let', I'm not in charge of anything!" The quarian protested as he walked. He could hear nasally voices echoing ahead, and even though quarians probably didn't have political parties like humans, his brain decided the nasal one might be a lefty, it seemed to be a trend, he had noticed.
Now, Udina, though, he had a bit of everything going on; that ugly son was so bipolar even the independents got thrown for a loop.
"-geth rampaged the Alarai, killing all hands, your father included." The following uproar was too loud for him to hear Tali's reaction to this, but Joker pushed himself to closest he got to a run, and burt into the 'courtroom'.
"You mangy bastards going to explain why you told a girl her dad is dead in a hearing?" He yelled, cutting through the dying gasps of horror and controversy. All heads turned, and, still catching his breath, Joker leaned forwards a little on the railing that began on the stairs. "Or why you started without me?"
"Objection!" The nasally one spat out. "A human has no place in a quarian court!"
"Acting Captain... Moreau, was it- has every right to be here, per Tali's legal name change to vas Normandy. " The woman at the top pointed out. Joker glared at nasal guy.
"Objection withdrawn." He shook his head in defeat. Tali was looking up at him like he was a lifeline, and his gut churned. He'd never had anyone look at him like that before, hoping for good news, like he could do something for them. Well, actually, a lot of people probably looked up at him like that; he just never saw their faces because they were specks on the ground and he was busy getting clear lines of fire on enemy craft.
The difference was that behind the pilot seat, that hope was justified. He didn't do all this in-person give hope to the hopeless stuff, that was for dirt lovers like Shepard. It was what they did for their living, just like blasting things from orbit was what he did for his. Now Tali was looking at him like that, and he isn't sure he can deliver.
"Now, about what I just heard..." it took all his self restraint not to curse them out. That would be very undiplomatic of him. He might curse if these stairs do him dirty, though. He isn't afraid of stairs.
He just doesn't trust them. They're shady mother- Focus, Joker, focus!
"There are loose geth, and this is your priority?" He took a risk midway down the stairs to wave a hand at the crowd. "Isn't the safety of the fleet supposed to be your priority? You know, instead of harassing heros of the Citadel when their fathers are missing?"
"Several teams has tried to take back the Alarei unsuccessfully." The woman at the top shook her head.
"At this point, the most logical choice would be to destroy the ship." Nasal said haughtily.
"They could still be alive!" Tali protested. The Admiral on Nasal's left shook his head. "Let me go, let me look for survivors!"
"Are you crazy?" Joker hissed in what he hoped was a low enough voice. It was like everyone on the Normandy loved mortal peril, at times.
"Well, in that case, if you're looking for an honorable death instead of exile-"
"I'm looking for my father, you bosh'tet!" Tali jabbed a finger in his direction, and several people gasped. Joker could mentally hear Glint shouting about language.
"Let her try!" Someone called out(probably against procedure). "I saw what that ground unit could do on Heastrom, they could easily take the ship back!"
Oh, please shut up! Now Tali was definitely going to do it, and Shepard was definitely doing it with her. Unfortunately, if Garrus cared more about Tali than he did about his grudge, he'd want in on it, too. Meaning Shepard and Garrus would be together, armed, on a damaged ship filled with geth, with an emotionally unstable Tali. Hadn't he thought in the med bay that it couldn't get any worse?
"Is it your intention to retake the Alarei?" The top podium asked in due fashion, as if the outburst had been a reasonable sentence appropriate for a courtroom. Tali looked to him, and he tried not to slouch as he responded.
"Since I don't see any other volunteers, yeah." He paused a moment. "For Tali's dad, though. Not for this 'honorable death's bullshit, I mean honestly, I once air-dropped her into a canyon full of armatures, and she came out fine!"
"But if she dies on this mission," nasal's left gave nasal a pointed look as he said this," we will see that her name is cleared of all charges."
"We can discuss that later." Nasal dismissed.
"Then it is decided." Podium declared in Offically In Charge Voice #3. "Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy will attempt to retake the Alarei. She is hereby given leave to temporarily depart the Rayya. A shuttle will be waiting for her in the secondary docking hangar."
"Hold up, what class ship is the Alarei?" Joker's pilot senses were tingling.
"A cruiser, though minimally armed." The only other woman on the panel stated.
"You want me to let her take a dingy shuttlecraft to an armed cruiser full of geth? Oh, hell no! We're using the Normandy!" Like it would be anything else but an 'absolutely not'. Do they want her to die?
"Objection!" Nasal cried. "How do we know you won't just fly off with her and never return?"
"Oh, sure, like running away from exile isn't counterproductive." He snarled in return. Honestly.
"Enough." Top podium cut her hand through the air. "If you leave communications range, your chance at redemption will be consider forfeit, but use of your own ship shall be allowed. This trial shall resume upon your return, or upon determination that you have been killed in action."
"Uh, she survived a volcanic eruption once. Nobody is dying."
Unless Shepard and Garrus throttle each other.
Joker spent an hour talking to people after that. Just talking, because he wasn't caught up on what exactly the charges were, and these politicians definitely all had angles they were trying to work. Boy did they have angles. Joker had never really cared for politics; he was a spacer to the core, and moving around a lot meant he never even saw the point in voting, seeing as he'd be gone to his next posting by the time any changes he liked came around. Besides, if it didn't affect him, he typically didn't care. Most people these days were all about 'biotic tolerance' and racism... neither of which had ever affected him seeing as he wasn't biotic and disliked all people equally.
Quarian politics were a bit different. Instead of 'biotic tolerance', you had 'geth apologists', and instead of racism you had... whatever the hell brand of creepy Admiral Xen was. She was a few thruster short of a full propulsion system, that was for sure. She might have gotten along with Mordin, though, which was a scary thought in itself.
As for the charges, apparently Tali was being accused of sending geth parts to the fleet that could spontaneously reactivate... witch Joker knew to be bullshit. She was Crow-level paranoid about potential danger from geth tech, she had actually asked him to go over some of those parts himself for the benefit of being looked over by a set of fresh eyes. He'd never asked about them much, and looking back, maybe asking would have helped make this whole lawyer business easier. At least he would have felt less out of his depth.
By the time they got back on the Normandy, Tali was wound tight enough that all one had to do was point her in the right direction and set her loose. Shepard was waiting directly on the other side of the door with Garrus, and she tore a debriefing out of him as Chakwas got him out of the exosuit. And to be honest, after he got back in the pilot seat, Joker kind of just tuned everyone else out and focused on flying. He was just done with thinking today, and he would still have to go back on the Rayya once this was done.
True to his great fears, Shepard went with Tali and Garrus demanded to be part of it.
"Good luck, Tals." He waved the quarian off. To the other two, all he could manage at this point was, "Try not to kill each other or her, will you?"
"Watch it, Lieutenant." Shepard grit out. He rolled his eyes as he turned towards the elevator; if she and Garrus were going to keep acting like ensigns with daddy issues, he was going to treat them like it until she got herself together again.
Nevermind all that. For at least the next hour, the only thing that was going to happen to him was a burrito. Nothing could possibly ruin that.
Boo. I'm not dead, I'm just lazy. Last chapter was the last one I had stored, and I got writers block 50 words into this one. Honestly, I kind of needed a break.
MystiYew: bruh, people who looked at reviews to see if this was worth the read are gonna think I killed him!
edboy4926: oh yes.
Servermeta: that a compliment? Never seen that one before.
A Sleeping Moon: I'll see if my brain ever remembers to correct those.
Ebuc: I'm seriously thinking of keeping Joker second in command shipside, just because how great it would be. Imagine him in charge with Javik on board? Pressly was XO, and he was just a Navigation Specialist we barely ever spoke to. Honestly, I chose Eden Prime so I could f#ck with Javik's life more if I ever get that far in this series. That's pretty much it. I love messing with certain characters, he's one of them.
Guest: Lol I'm glad. The fact that Shepard never has a psychological breakdown in me2 always got me to decide spuds need to fly.
Sulzi: Glad you think so.
Knightwolf1875:Glad you're enjoying it so far. Ain't quite dead yet, lol, but sorry to say the vex won't be making an appearance; I wouldn't be able to do so without ignoring their actual capabilities and limitations.
So, I'll post this the day Witch queen drops, hopefully I have a few more chapters built up by the time I post this, but if I don't, well, currently Horizon: Forbidden West comes out in a week, Witch Queen a few days after, so... yeah, that's why. I'll be much distracted these next few weeks.
Fare Thee Well!