CHAPTER – 8 BPOV YOU FALL, I FALL, WE ALL FALL HARD
Please, Please, Please – Fiona Apple
Please, please, please
No more melodies
They lack impact, they're petty
They've been made up already
Please, please, please
No more maladies
I'm so tired of crying
You'd think I was a siren
But me and everybody's
on the sad, same team
And You can hear our
sad brains screaming:
Give us something familiar
Something similar to what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady, steady going nowhere
Please, please, please
No apologies
At best they buy you time
Till you next step out of line
Please, please, please
No more remedies
My method is uncertain
It's mess, but it's working
And maybe if you'd try it out
You won't like it when you're crying out
Give us something familiar
Something similar to what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady, steady, steady, steady
Steady, going nowhere
BPOV
The woman at the front desk eyed me suspiciously. I smiled at her but I'm sure it looked as forced as it felt.
"And what relation do you have to Mr. Masen?"
"I'm his – "
"Bella!"
I turned to see Jasper and Emmett jogging towards me. They didn't look too upset and I felt a small bit of tension disappear. Emmett reached me and pulled me into his arms; I felt like a sardine in a can. The physical contact brought back the tears and I sniffled loudly against his chest. He rubbed my head and made soothing noises. I felt Jasper's cool hand against my arm and looked over at him. He smiled weakly and nodded his head.
"Mike was at the match. He was talking to another man in the back of the room. They said they put something in his water to make him go down."
Emmett's body froze momentarily underneath me, and then began shaking as he muttered a curse into my hair. Jasper clutched my arm and pulled me away from Emmett.
"I want you to tell me exactly what you heard. Leave nothing out."
"Um…well, I heard someone saying 'Eddie Boy' and the voice sounded really familiar so I looked around for the face. I saw Mike. He was standing with a dark haired guy in the back who asked him if he had done what he was told. Then the other guy asked him how much he used and so Mike told him "all of it" and then the other guy got pissed off, saying that it was too much. Mike told him that he was lucky they moved the match there 'cause he wouldn't have gotten in at The Ring. The other guy said that's how King planned it. Mike asked him what was in all that stuff and he said it was some kind of drug that could only show up on a certain kind of test. Oh and he said that James may or may not have known about the whole thing."
Emmett's eyes were glittering dark and his fists were clenched at his sides. Jasper's lips were pursed into a line and he glared at me.
"I tried to get to you but as soon as I made it out of the crowd he was already down. I'm so sorry guys."
"No one is upset with you Bella. We know you tried. He's going to be okay. He didn't take any serious blows but right now he's going into shock and they are trying to stabilize him." Jasper's soothing voice washed over me and I relaxed into his embrace.
"You have to tell someone. They have to help him." My emotions were ragged again and I didn't know if it was possible to feel anymore tired and wide awake as I did right then.
Jasper passed me to Emmett and then took off down to hall, where I'd hoped he was going to inform Edward's doctor about what I had told him.
"How you feeling kiddo?"
"Don't call me kiddo. And I'm freaking out. He can't die Emmett. What they said…about using too much…what if…"
"Edward's strong. He is in top physical shape. I won't lie and say he's going to just bounce right back but he is going to make it and he will be just fine. They're going to fix him up."
It was weird, this soft side to Emmett. He was gentle and calming and I was sucked into his kind gestures. I rested my head on his broad chest and let out the breath that I had been holding. My face felt swollen and my nose was no longer considered an airway.
Jasper rounded the corner, lightly out of breath, and approached us.
"The doctor is going to run some Tox screens on him right now. They'll find out whatever he was drugged with and go from there. They finally wheeled him out of the wreck room and have him stable in the ICU. They're denying visitors until tomorrow."
My knees went weak and Emmett braced me against him. I gripped his arms but it was feeble at best. Jasper's soothing touch on my back alerted me to his proximity. I took a deep breath and pushed away from Emmett. I stood on my own, straightening my back and lifting my chin. I had to be strong for Edward. I had to do whatever it was he needed me to do.
"I'll run you back to Edward's place Bella. You can get cleaned up and we'll pick you up on our way back to the hospital. Okay?"
I nodded at Emmett and hesitated, looking over at the woman behind the desk.
"They know to notify us if anything happens, Bella."
I looked at Jasper with doubt in my eyes but acquiesced anyway and let them lead me out of the hospital. Emmett shuffled me into the back of the Jeep and Jasper slid into the passenger seat. The ride to the apartment building was silent and tense. We got out of the Jeep and I stopped when they followed me into the foyer. Going up those stairs without Edward seemed wrong. It felt as if I were taking a step out of turn, without him. Swallowing hard, I climbed the stairs and made it into the apartment before breaking down. I slid down the door, sobbing until my head pounded and I had no means of breathing through my nose anymore. Snot and tears ran down my face and congealed on my hands.
I thought the comforting smell of Edward's things would make me feel better but they just reminded me of him being alone in that ICU room. With that in mind, a fire was lit under my ass and I ran into the bathroom, refusing to linger on any memories.
I am going to stop saying goodbye to someone who is still here. He is still here and everything is going to be okay.
I yanked the handle in the shower stall and stripped as the steam filled the room. Jumping under the spray, I quickly showered and toweled off. I walked into the closet and did my best to ignore the way his smell was strongest there. I didn't even want to think about lying down on the bed. I tossed on a pair of jeans and one of Edward's old T-shirts. Grabbing an empty duffel bag, I started collecting some of his things. Jeans, shirt, boxers, socks, shoes, undershirt…can't forget his undershirt…and a few clothes for me. I wandered into the bathroom again and gathered his shampoo and conditioner, shaving products, and a few towels. The ones at the hospital sucked.
I didn't wait for Emmett or Jasper. I skipped down the stairs, taking them as quickly as possible without breaking my neck and bolted out the front door. It took Edward and me almost an hour to get to the park at a slow walk. I made it there in fifteen minutes running. After needing five minutes to catch my breath, I entered the lobby again and I walked up to a different woman at the reception counter.
"I'm here for Edward Masen. I know they said he's in the ICU and that he isn't allowed visitors but I was wondering if you could let me know when they are letting him have them…"
"What's your name ma'am?"
"Isabella Swan. I'm Edward's girlfriend."
"Alright, well if you want to leave me with a number where I can reach you…"
"Oh no, that won't be necessary. I'll be right over there."
She just blinked, so I smiled at her and walked over to a seriously abused bench and sat down. Two hours later I woke up to someone shaking my shoulder.
"Jasper, I'm not leaving."
"I'm not telling you to. But Emmett and I are going downstairs for something to eat and you're coming with us."
I groaned and let him to pull me up and drag me down the hallway. I caught a whiff of the familiar smell of a hospital cafeteria. Burnt coffee and tuna. My stomach found it appealing, growling. Jasper smirked at me and Emmett was already in the line pulling things down onto his tray.
Pig.
I settled for a chicken salad and bottle of pineapple juice. Jasper went the Emmett route, piling on an assortment of random food. Mostly dessert.
"Have you heard anything?" I was fifty-fifty on really wanting to know the answer to that question.
"His heart rate is stable. They're moving him out of the ICU and into a regular room in a few hours. They uh…they have him in an induced coma."
It's one of those moments where you half expect the world to kinda bump off its axis and go hurling into the sun. One of those things where you expect time to slow down until its crawling so you can have those extra precious moments to figure out why you can't move or think. But nothing like that happened. The dull chatter in the cafeteria continued. Jasper still looked at me like I was going to cut his throat and Emmett was still shoveling food in his mouth at a rate that would choke a mortal man.
I blinked, my loaded fork frozen inches away from my mouth, which was wide open.
"His body needs time to recover from the drugs. If they wake him up now, they don't know how his heart will take the stress. They also found out what was put in his water. It was a drug cocktail of Amytal, Tranxene, and Percocet. There were at least five other drug compounds identified but I can't remember their names and the doctor said those were the ones that really hurt him. Basically, the gist of this is that his heart is really weak; they have to keep him in this coma until it's strong enough to take the stress of the withdrawal while he's conscience. He might have a heart attack if they wake him up now."
Suddenly the salad in front of me seemed disgusting and all I wanted was to find Mike Newton and take a baseball bat to his skull.
"What are we going to do about this?"
"I don't know but I do know that right now we need to focus on Edward's recovery. Then we can form some sort of plan to handle King and his actions."
I nodded. Jasper seemed to understand that I wasn't going to finish my salad and took it with his discarded food and threw them away.
I resumed my perch on that stupid uncomfortable bench and waited.
**
Three days. He was in a coma for three days. They allowed no visitors at all during that time, however as soon as they took him off the drug IV and let his body awaken on its own, we were allowed in to see him.
I was currently standing outside the door and listening attentively as his doctor spoke of what they expected of his recovery.
"…Like I said, I don't expect him to wake up today. We only just took him off the benzodiazepines a few minutes ago and it usually takes a whole twenty-four hours to achieve any kind of lucidity. I will allow you visitation, so long as you keep the noise to a minimum and don't try to wake him at all. When he does wake up, there will be obvious side effects from the narcotics in his system. He will be confused, sensitive to light, and he can hallucinate. He might not make any sense if he talks."
I nodded my head quickly and wanted to yell at him to just let us in the damn room. He gave us all a stern look and turned the doorknob, letting the door swing open and gestured for us to enter.
My breathing stopped and I clutched my stomach when I saw him. He was so pale. The gauzy blankets lay around him, thickly guarding his body from the chill of the room. Despite the frigid temperature and the blankets, he was sweating. My hand went out, of its own accord, and swept the hair from his face. He had an oxygen tube looped under his nose and various lines leading from his arms and from under the blankets. His face was red and bruised but no longer swollen, and his eyelids were purple and green hued. Tears traveled down my face.
"I'm so sorry Edward. I was too late to help you."
Emmett's large hand pulled my arm away from Edward's face and he wrapped me up in a hug.
"Hey, he's fine. He's going to be okay. And when he gets the 'all clear' from the doc we're going to kick James' sorry ass and give King something to really cry about. You have to be strong for him, Bella. We all have to. Edward did this because it's what he does. We're just going to have to be here for him. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself for something you didn't do."
I leaned into Emmett and nodded against his shoulder. I settled down in the hard plastic bucket seat next to Edward's bed and scooped up his hand. It was swollen but none of his fingers were broken or bandaged. I kissed his fingers and laid my head down on his forearm. It felt good to touch him, to feel his solidness under my cheek and hear his breathing.
The hours passed in silence. Emmett and Jasper came and went. I slept in the chair. I used the small bathroom off to the side and didn't leave when the doctor came in to check his vitals. Around three in the morning the doctor came in and cleared his throat.
"I would tell you to leave but I'm under the impression that would do more damage than repair."
I simply looked up at him. My eyes felt dry and my throat sore. I couldn't even muster the energy at that point to nod at him.
"He's going to be alright. I'm not going to tell you that he'll just miraculously wake up and be okay again but with the proper care and some time, he will be just fine. They say that talking to people when they're out like this…they say it helps."
He placed a hand on my shoulder as I turned to look back at Edward's slack face. His hand dropped and I heard the door shut as he left.
"Um…So I don't know what to say right now. I miss you. I miss you so much it's not even funny. I don't know how you managed to turn my world upside down in such a short amount of time but you did. I…I don't take back what I said the other night. I love you Edward. I love you so fucking much and it's scaring the shit out of me. Everyone keeps saying you'll be fine and I hope you don't make liars out of them. I'm trying so hard right now to be strong for you Edward. I want you to come back and be okay again. I won't lie, I'm so selfish. I want you to come back because I need you. I need you to make this okay again. I haven't…felt this way in a long time and I need you to bring that back okay? Please just wake up and let me see those eyes and that smile. I'll do anything for that.
Jasper and Emmett are here, too. Well, not in this room right now but they're in the hospital and they're waiting for you to wake up just like I am. We all miss you. I, um…I don't know what else to tell you other than I love you and that I can't breathe without you here, so please come back for me. Come back and make it all okay again. I know you love me too and it's okay that you can't say it.
I know what you're going to do when you wake up and I want to tell you now, when you can't say anything back to me, that I'm not going anywhere. This is just something that I have to accept about you and what you do. But I want you to know…that I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. I've never said this much to anyone before and I feel really silly right now saying it to someone who might not be able to hear me but I guess that's just one more thing that you got me to do that no one else has. Come back Edward. Wake up. Please, please wake up…You said you made all these arrangements with Emmett but I don't want arrangements, I want only want you…"
The tears won out in the end and I felt my throat constrict with a sob. I laid my head down on the sheet beside his arm and pressed my face into the stiff cotton.
He has to wake up. He just has to. I can't do this without him.
**
It took two days. Two long days for him to wake up. And when he did, I was fucking sleeping. The first thing I realized when my eyes decided to cooperate with the rest of my waking mind was that it was very bright where I was. And before I even opened them, I heard Emmett's boisterous voice.
"I think she's waking up! Dude, she's been here the entire time. She wouldn't leave. Jasper and I had to force her to eat!"
"Shut the fuck up Emmett and for Christ's sake tone it down, there are other sick people in this hospital who don't want to know about our business." Jasper hissed at him.
I felt the soft pads of Edward's fingers stroking my cheek and became aware of the odd angle at which I was laying. I felt my leg asleep underneath me, pinned between my ass and the chair. My torso was laying half on the bed, half off and my left arm was under my head which was turned to the right at a severe angle. I felt the drool seeping out of my mouth and then a second later the blush creeping up my neck and over my face. I glanced up and turned around to see Edward lying propped up on three pillows. The bed had been raised up some so that he could see around the room easily. I must have looked retarded sitting there staring at him with my mouth hanging open and drool coming out one side. He chuckled at me and smoothed my hair back before wiping away my spit with his thumb. I blushed harder and looked down but not for very long. I couldn't keep my eyes off his.
I looked at him and smiled. He took my hand in his and squeezed it. When he spoke his voice was hoarse.
"Emmett told me what happened. You could have gotten hurt if they knew you were eavesdropping."
"I um…I didn't mean-"
"I thought I told you to leave before the fight started."
"I couldn't stay out there, Edward. I had to know what was happening."
He looked sternly at me for a moment but I couldn't find it in me to care. He was awake. He was okay. He came back to me. I grinned at him and his shoulders slumped as he smiled back at me.
Score! We won!
"Ugh, you two make my teeth hurt." I looked over at Emmett and giggled at his scrunched up face.
"Shut your face McCarty." I giggled harder at Edward's raspy reply.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Half an hour, maybe. You need to go home and get some sleep."
"Um, I'm sorry but I've been waiting here for five days for you get up. DAYS, Edward. I'm not leaving now that what I have been waiting for has finally happened. How do you feel? Do we need to go get the doctor?"
"We've already told the nursing staff that Edward's awake. The doctor should be in here when he has a moment." Jasper informed.
"I want a re-match."
All three of us turned to look at Edward. I felt as if I should rub my eyes and pinch myself just to be sure this wasn't a nightmare.
"Uh, no. That's not a good idea."
"I agree. That's the worst idea I've ever heard." I glanced at Emmett with appreciation. At least I had someone else in my corner.
"I think if that's what you want then that's what we'll do." My appreciation shifted to malice as I glared at Jasper. Traitor.
"I don't care what any of you think. I'm getting a re-match, with or without your support and I'm going to beat James. I can't let this go."
I was confused and kinda pissed off. Did he want to leave me? Did he want to die?
"Emmett, we've known each other for years. Make the call. I want a re-match."
"Alright. I don't like it, but I'll do it."
Edward nodded and Jasper stared out the window.
"We will need proper time to train and get you back to where you were before this. You'll need weeks of rehab for your heart and lungs then another month or two of endurance and stamina training." Jasper murmured, almost to himself.
Was I in the Twilight Zone? The world really did get knocked off its axis. I should get up and check to see how close we are to the sun; we should be headed right for it. What the hell is going on?
"You…are sitting in a hospital bed, after you just woke up from a medically induced coma…you're heart is fucked from those drugs…and you want to schedule a re-match?"
Edward looked at me blankly for a moment before answering.
"Yes."
"Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you have any idea…any idea what we went through watching you, waiting for you to wake up? And now, just to twist the knife while it's still fresh, you say you want to do this again?"
"I don't expect you to understand. I have to do this. I'm not going to sit here and lick my wounds while that asshole gloats about a false win. I am better than him. I know I am. I'm going to do this my way."
"You are better than him. Yeah, we all know that. But he drugged your water this time. What happens next? A car bomb? He sends four guys to beat your ass before the match, instead of just the two? 'Cause I got news for you sweetheart, it's not just James, it's that rich fucker King who is in on this, too."
"Don't you think I know that?! Do you think I get my ass beat because I like it? Do you think I want to do this for the rest of my life? No! I don't! But I have to because I have bills to pay! I have rent and a car payment! I have you! I have to take care of you!"
The verbal slap to the face hit me hard and I stared at him, wide-eyed. He seriously did not just say that. Tell me I'm hearing things. Tell me he did not just make me an obligation. I shook my head to try and clear it but nothing worked. I couldn't wrap my head around it.
"Bella, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean it like that. I just, I want to take care of yo-"
"Stop. You know what? Just stop. I can't do this right now. Here's a bag of clothes and your bathroom stuff. I can't be here right now. I'm sorry, Edward, but I refuse to be that kind of woman. I can't…I'm sorry you think that way. I can't be here right now. I'll check on you later."
"Bella, wait, please let me just explain…"
But I was already down the hall and bee-lining for the door. I had to get out of here. This place was suffocating me. Fresh air. I looked out over the lot and saw my truck still in the same spot as it was when I first came here; the night he was first brought in. I walked slowly until I reached the cab and pulled the keys out of my pocket. Sliding onto the old worn bench seat, I leaned my head against the steering wheel and tried to cry. I tried to let it out but it wouldn't come. A streak of white caught my eyes and I looked down to see that damn towel marring my world. The blood had dried on it and when I picked it up, it was stiff and hard. I rubbed it between my hands then threw it back down on the bench before cranking up the truck and leaving the hospital and what I thought was my whole world.
**
It's not that I was angry about his decision to fight again. I knew that was inevitable. It was what he did and I had accepted that. It was that he was willingly engaging the same asshole and his gang of shady friends that put him in this situation in the first place. Did he honestly have no concern over how we would feel about this? Of course Jasper would be behind him. Of course he would. Emmett at least had enough brains in him to realize this was stupid. Five days. Five long days of hearing doctors talk about brain damage, heart problems and kidney failure. Five long fucking days of not knowing a damn thing and he wants to jump back in the ring with this asshole. He was being selfish. He was being selfish and prideful and not thinking about the consequences. Of how this choice, this decision was affecting those around him.
He fights to make money so that he can take care of me? What kind of garbage is that? And what do I do now? What does he want from me? What does he want me to say?
Hey thanks for sacrificing your body baby. When you're brain dead and in a coma, I'll be out spending all your money just like you wanted.
Ugh! If I wanted to deal with clueless assholes, I would have stayed with Renee and Phil. I couldn't decide what pissed me off more - the fact that he was instigating a re-match or the fact that he claims to be fighting for me.
There were so many shades of fucked up in this whole thing. He was fighting before he ever met me. He continues to fight even though he has tons of money saved up. He could go to college, get a degree, and make a decent living for himself. But no, he fights. And if he is fighting for me why can't he just….not fight because I don't like it? Is that so much to ask for?
Apparently so.
I looked down at my feet and tapped them idly on the bench below me. I had managed to go a whopping two blocks before circling the truck and parking at Oz Park. I sat in the same spot that Edward had brought me to and stared at the neon hospital sign. I had never felt this emotionally invested in someone and now that I am, the guy turns out to be clinically retarded. Rolling my eyes, I leaned back and took a deep breath, slowly exhaling.
I have two options. I can suck it up, go back in there and tell him that I support him in this because I love him. Or I can grab my shit and leave town.
Option A: face your fears and prove you love him.
Option B: be a coward and run away. Again.
Well, when you say it like that…
I huffed the entire walk back to the truck and practically idled back into the hospital parking lot. It had been close to four hours now and the sun was setting behind the generators off to the side of the building. I tried to calm my breathing as I made my way down the hall and to his room. Emmett had gone but Jasper was sitting in my vacated chair and his head was bowed down next to Edward's as they talked intensely, probably forming some sort of plan for this fight.
When I entered the room, Edward looked up at me with a remorseful look on his face. Jasper turned and gave me the stink eye. I arched an eyebrow at him in defiance and didn't bother to say anything to him as he rose from the chair and left the room. Asshole.
"Look, before you say anything - if you're going to do this…I support you. But don't you dare say that you're doing it for me. I refuse to be the reason that you do this. I won't let you put that on my shoulders. You do this because it's what you want to do. I am not an obligation. You are not obligated to take care of me. I can take care of myself. So if you're going to do this rematch, then fine, I'm behind you. I'll help you train if you want. But don't make me the reason for this stupidity."
He took a calming breath and looked at his hands. The large plastic sleeve over his index finger, connecting him to the heart monitor, tapped against his palm.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things earlier. And you're right. I don't do this for you. I do it for me. But I also do it because I want to be able to take care of you. I've never had anyone to take care of before. I've never had anyone I cared enough about to want to take care of before. This is new for me Bella. I don't know how to tell you what I'm feeling. I'm angry most of the time. I'm full of this…pent up energy. But when I'm with you, I calm down. I can focus. I make choices now with you in mind. I don't want to be selfish; I want to think of you and your needs. I want to take care of you. I know you can take care of yourself. I won't delude myself into thinking that you need me. But I want you to need me. I need you. I need you so much. I know you don't like me fighting. I don't like the risk either but it's what I do best. It's what I am now. This probably isn't coming out right…"
"No, no its perfect and I understand where you're coming from but you can't use me as an excuse. Do this for you. I understand the need to have a fair fight, really I do. You have to start treating me like an equal. I can't be this little woman in your eyes. I can't be some dependant. It's not who I am."
He shifted and peeked up at me through his lashes and I almost caved and went to him but I had to stand my ground.
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling before speaking again.
"Look, if you want, if things start to get too intense, I'll back out okay? I'll stop doing this and find other work. Just…don't leave and I'll make the best effort to treat you like you deserve."
My insides melted because he honestly treated me better than I deserved. I went over to him and sat down on the edge of the bed facing him. He pulled me closer and wrapped me in his arms. I snuggled into his neck, breathing deeply. Underneath the smell of his hospital gown and the antiseptic was Edward.
"Thank you for bringing me my things."
"Whatever, just kiss me."
He laughed and kissed me chastely but I wanted more. I sucked his lower lip into my mouth and he moaned before opening up to slip me his tongue. We made out like teenagers on his hospital bed and then I snuggled up next to him on the tiny mattress.
"Edward?"
"Yes?"
"If you ever do this to me again, I'll kick your ass."
"If I ever do this to you again, I'll let you."
"Good; I don't think I would be able to do it without your help."
He chuckled against my shoulder and pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck.
"Sleep, my Bella. We get to go home tomorrow."
I grinned and before I knew it, I was asleep. It felt good to have his arms around me again.
A/N: Ah, so see, I'm not so mean. Edward was only out for a whole chapter. Srsly, I could have drug that shit out for like three chapters but no I love you all enough to not put you in pain. Alas, he has issues.
Bella is distancing herself from Edward during his coma time. She's warring right now with Edward, his views on her, and her views on him and what he does. We will figure out what happens with this whole rematch thing a majiggy next chapter.
Also my beta will not be here next weekend. I usually post on Fridays….so I'm going to shoot for an early post and if I'm feeling really inspired (not distracting myself at the t'd board.) then I might post two. Yay! Anyways, it's going to be a while until the rematch so don't go getting all upset about it. We got chapter and chapters to go till then….
Again I have to make my T'd shout out to the wonderfully funny chickadee's over at the SB thread. They have saved me from many nights of not wanting to finish this chapter. Hahaha. Oh me. So yeah, cheddah (my kick ass beta), lucylu, dawn, gav, aspen….yeah all you bitches and ho's….i love ya…always have.
-nbnf
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Leave me some love…