Shadowboxer

by nobloodnofoul

Edward is an underground fighter using the ring as an outlet for his pent-up rage. Bella is a college dropout running from her complicated past. Their paths collide when Edward is beaten and left for dead. Rated M for LEMONS. CANON PAIRINGS. AH. OOC.

12. The Horse and His Carrot

CHAPTER – 12 EPOV BPOVTHE HORSE AND HIS CARROT

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Quick AN: a DIVING BLOCK/PLATFORM is a square platform that competitive swimmers dive from in races. They have handle bars beneath them (that look like a bike's handle bars) for swim competitions featuring backstroke to start off.

A DIVING BOARD is that long board that is springy and such and you have to climb steps to get on just like the ones you see at public pools and such. Just so there's no confusion later on.

This chapter ended up being over 15,000 words. Crazyness I know. So enjoy the longest chapter I have written yet simply because I'm too stubborn to split it into two and fuck up my outline. Took me long enough right?

enjoi

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"Extraordinary Machine"

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperon
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease

(Chorus)

-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

---

EPOV

I started my workout this morning at six. It was now ten and I was beginning to feel the effects of Bella's food and the blatant disregard I have for my weight. It was currently Friday and my last training day of the week. Thank God.

Emmett started me out with stretches and a two mile walk, then a five mile run, and now I'm onto weights. I began to let my mind wander as he motioned for me to sit on the press bench; we were starting with curls.

Personally, things are going great. Doctor Holdman let up on the whole 'no exerting physical activities' thing and I was cleared to start back at training. Bella and I celebrated by christening the couch...and then the hallway floor. My right knee was still smarting for that one. Things with Bella were beginning to level out. We were slipping back into a good routine.

Since the morning that I found the cell phone in her pocket, I noticed she had been carrying it with her. Of course, I felt relieved that I had a way to contact her in case anything happened but more than that, I was thrilled she was accepting my offer. It showed that I was making some headway with her and we were compromising. Realizing this, I was elated. And slowly but surely, she began to wear the clothes she purchased with Alice. I felt good knowing that I could provide those things for her but I wasn't completely at ease yet.

Bella had been losing sleep lately. She would wake up in the middle of the night gasping and while I wanted desperately to hold her and tell her everything was okay - that she was safe, I couldn't. I feigned sleep and listened to her in the bathroom as she took control of her emotions. If she wasn't ready to share with me then I had to be patient; it wasn't as if I was an open book when it came to my problems. I knew that someday I would have to talk to her about my past but for right now, I was mollified to just sit back and enjoy what we have going.

I gripped onto the handles of the weight bar tighter and finished my set of curls.

Professionally, things were not going so well or at least not exactly as I had planned. Jasper was reluctant to let me back at sparring so soon. I was going through weight training first, then onto reflexes before I would be allowed any contact skill building. I thought it was ridiculous but I wasn't about to doubt Jasper or his instincts when it came to these things. I was having issues with my heart rate and my breathing and that was causing some concern. It's been a week since I started back at training and I've made great improvement with my physically but I've been feeling rather aggressive since I don't have an outlet. Jasper and Emmett are starting to see this.

Since the running and drills were getting a little too intense, Emmett suggested that I start pool training. I was not thrilled about it. While I have no problem with water itself, I have always thought that the pool training was a waste of time. The resistance it provides is excellent but speed was never my problem. All in all, I'm feeling extremely irritated with the whole business. Working me until I'm dead tired won't get rid of the rage quite as well as letting me loose in the ring.

I looked up at Emmett as he signaled me to get changed for the pool drills.

I fucking hate this shit.

**

After slinging on my swimming trunks, I stomped into the pool room. It was a large offset annex on the other side of the gym. It was rarely used after Emmett declared it off limits due to all the accidents that seemed to occur. That and he was too cheap to employ a life guard. The room smelled powerfully of chlorine and stung my nose as I inhaled the humid air. Jasper was rolling in the lane ropes and Emmett was fiddling with a boom box on the other side of the pool. I looked around at the baby blue walls and then up at the ceiling to see the sky light boxes. They were dirty with mildew and leaves that had caught and clung to the thick panes; there was minimal lighting coming from them. I draped my towel over the metal bars on the diving board and crossed my arms over my chest. It was petulant but hell if I cared at this point.

Jasper came over and gestured toward the shallow water with a sweeping motion of his hand.

"We're starting you off easy for the first few laps. Just walk as you normally would from this five foot marker to the one across and back again. Ten laps."

Groaning, I crouched down and braced the edge of the pool's cement lip before throwing my legs into the water. It was thankfully lukewarm. I trudged across to the other end and tapped the tile with the five ft mark on it, repeating the trail twenty times to make up my ten laps.

"Now, sprint. Twenty laps."

Gritting my teeth, I complied. It was much harder and I felt the water pushing against my chest with every step.

"Get in the deep end. Ten laps. All arms, no legs."

My head was starting to pound, I was so pissed off.

When I was done I looked up at Jasper with an irritated glare and he smirked at me.

"Okay, bring her out."

Emmett hopped off the bleachers and jogged to the doors that lead back to the gym.

My eyebrows pulled together as I heard the squeak of the double doors opening. Bella stepped inside with a beach towel wrapped around her frame and her hair pulled up into a ponytail. My lips parted as I saw her toe off her sneakers and drop the towel from her body. She had on a dark green one piece bathing suit. Her eyes were trained on the ground in front of her, and I watched the blush start in her cheeks and spread up to her forehead and down to her chest. Emmett shuffled over in the corner and punched a few buttons on the boom box and music reverberated across the large room.

I grinned when I saw her eyes snap over to Emmett and watched him shrug. Queen's Flash came over the waves and I outright laughed. Only Emmett would play Queen for this.

"Bella, I need you to sit at lane five's dive platform."

I looked over at Jasper with questioning eyes. She wasn't getting in? Bella did as she was told and sat on the dive block with her legs dangling over the edge.

"So, here's the deal. You have another five sets. The faster you get them done, the sooner you're done for the day. First set is free style; the second set is backstroke, the third is breast stroke, the fourth butterfly. The fifth set is…well I'll let you know when you get to it."

For some reason, Bella's presence did nothing to make me feel better. Instead, I was pissed off that she was here. Not at her, at her presence. She wasn't undermining my concentration really, but Jasper was a cruel man to do this to me. Every time my head came up for water I caught a glimpse of her legs or her torso. I would breathe in the oxygen my body was desperately begging for as my eyes greedily took in her pale skin.

I went through the laps until my body was sore and I was aching. I'm more out of shape than I'd thought. My lungs burned and my eyes were stinging from the water, despite the goggles that I was wearing. My arms felt like wet noodles and my legs felt like hard iron, whereas my head felt like it was compressed into a tiny ball. Both my arms rotated around to touch the wall of the pool and I was finally done. Jasper was crouched down at the corner of the pool where I was tossing my goggles off.

"Bella, move to lane ten's dive board. Alright, Edward, let's see how this works out for you. This is your last set. You're going to start with lunges until you hit the deeper water, then your going to use only your arms to pull you to the edge. Once you get there, you tap the edge and move over to lane two. Treading with your arms only back to the shallow end where you'll go back to the lunges till you tap the edge. You're going to repeat this till you get to lane ten. Got it? The sooner you get it done, the sooner you get to Bella and the sooner you're done with today's workout."

Well hot damn.

I pushed my body hard and let the sounds of the music filter into my head. As soon as I hit lane five, I was breathing heavily; at lane seven I was getting pissed off about it. Finally, I hit the deep end of lane ten and pushed myself with everything I had. Once I made it to Bella, I grabbed her legs and yanked her in the water. I heard her yelp before we were both pulled under the water. Instinctively, I gripped her around her ribs and pulled her up for air. She gasped and then started to push me away. I laughed and held her closer, my left hand coming up to grip the handle under the diving block and holding us both above the water's edge. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and I briefly saw Emmett grabbing the boom box and heading out the door. Jasper had already left.

"Hello." My voice was low as I squeezed her against me. She felt delicious.

"Hi." Her face flushed again and I chuckled.

"So which one of them conned you into this?"

"Conned? Psh, I wanted to come. Emmett called, he said you were being difficult."

Difficult? Is that what he's calling it?

"Difficult is one way to put it. I hate the fucking routines they've got me doing. Jasper won't let me back in the ring for sparring."

"I think you should be nice. They just want to help you."

I grumbled and let go of the bar above us.

"Get on my back."

She scrambled onto me, her arms wrapping around my neck once more and her legs hooking around my waist. I could feel the heat of her through the bathing suit and it made my stomach clench in anticipation. Once we were in shallow water, she let go of me and pushed herself away. I looked over my shoulder at her; she was smiling sweetly and floating on her back. Dozens of thoughts pushed themselves into my mind, all of which had to do with how I was going to get that bathing suit off her.

"Come here, Bella."

"No."

"Bella…I've just had a very hard day, and I want you to come here."

"No."

I inched closer to her and she deftly moved away like a magnet pushing at a matching end. The irritation I felt now was all at her.

"Bella…" My voice was low and I almost flinched from the annoyance in it. She noticed and she grinned. I felt the tension rise in my back.

"You'll have to catch me first."

Before I could answer her, she turned and dove under the water. I watched as her warped form swam under the surface of the ripples and reached the edge of the pool at the deep end. The fact that I was going to have to swim back out there actually made me angry. I pushed off the floor and made my way to the spot where she was waiting. Except she was gone. I looked around the pool to find it empty. Then I felt the water dripping over my head. I looked up to see her standing on the diving board.

"Bella, are you sure that's a good idea?" My original anger had been replaced with a little anxiety.

She just narrowed her eyes at me and lowered herself to sit on the edge of the long plank.

"Bella that thing is really springy, be careful."

I smirked at her and she retaliated by pulling down the strap on her right shoulder. I gaped at her and she raised an eyebrow at me. I pulled myself out of the pool and stalked over to the edge of the diving board. I took the steps slowly, careful not the bounce the board or cause her to fall. Once I reached her, she held up her hand and I slowly pulled her up to stand with me. I pulled down the other strap and spun her so that she was facing the pool and I had my back to it. Falling to my knees on the rough surface, I pulled her suit down to her ankles.

Yeah, right knee is definitely still sore but this is so worth it.

"Lift up your left leg and put it on the bar."

I heard her sharply take in a breath as she complied. My eyes sought hers out. I knew that we were in a public place, she could be seen at any second, I wanted to know if she was okay with this. I was sure as shit turned on.

"It's cold." Her eyes were apologetic and hooded. She was just as turned on as I was.

"Let me fix that."

With her leg hitched up, I had a glorious view of...Bella. I stroked her slit with my index finger softly and watched as the tip glistened with her wetness. I parted her gently and brought my fingers up to circle her clit. Her knee shook, which was my cue to brace her. My left arm slipped around her waist and I kissed her stomach before dipping down to lick her clit. Her musky scent was infused with the smell of the chlorine and it reminded of where we were. She moaned and gripped my hair to steady herself.

When I was younger and in college, I had never really enjoyed doing this. It wasn't so bad, but it wasn't something I wanted to do. The sounds that Bella made when I did this had me coming back for more. To be able to wind her up like this and then watch her fall even before I was inside her was thrilling. I wouldn't lie and say I did it because I enjoyed the act itself. I enjoyed knowing that I had that control over her body; I had the power to make her come with my mouth.

I could feel her getting closer; her hips were quivering and her grunts coming faster. I slipped two fingers inside her slowly and began to thrust them. She bucked and threw her head back. My eyes were lifted to see her breasts flushed and her chin jutting out as she neared her release. When her head dropped back down, I looked into her eyes and I curled my fingers and sucked her clit into my mouth, barely touching my teethe against it. She sucked in a breath and her eyes slammed shut as she came on my hand.

I yanked my towel down from the bar and pulled Bella against my chest before laying it down on the green board. I spun her around so that her back faced me and reached up to fondle her breasts.

"Get down on all fours." My voice was low and rough.

She shuddered and complied, slowly lowering herself down to the towel. I was frozen for a moment just watching her as she waited for my next move.

She was so compliant and willing; the exhilaration of dominating her, taking her, owning her…possessing her rose up in me. I would never let anyone else have this. Never.

Her ass was propped up and her back dipped down in a sinful curve. I knelt down behind her and tapped the inside of her thighs. She spread her knees farther apart and I groaned. I smoothed my hands over her ass cheeks before gliding them up her back and over her shoulders. When I reached her neck, I slid my right hand into her hair and gripped her gently. She moaned and arched back, the action making my dick twitch. With my left hand I guided myself to her entrance and quickly pushed into her.

And at once all the frustration inside me cracked and I gripped her hair tighter, while my left hand steadied her hips. My head fell back as I thrust into her as hard as I could. She felt different in this position; tighter, snug. With each push into her heat, my balls slapping loudly and my hips hitting her ass, I got closer to releasing the tension and frustration. Her moans and grunts egged me on and I needed the control back. I needed to make this about us, not just me. My fingers moved out of her hair and grabbed her shoulder as the hand on her hip slid forward to find her clit. My hips were moving too fast and I tried to slow down to make the journey easier but the loss of friction was so much I couldn't bare it. Bella's hand came up to circle my wrist as she moved my fingers to her center, and I moaned knowing that she wanted it too. Every jerk of my hips caused my fingers to slide over her slick clit and she bucked her hips into mine.

"Edward…Edw…Oh, God, I'm…Edward please…"

The begging got me every fucking time. I felt my balls tightening and my stomach clenching. Fuck, I was going to come.

"Bella, come baby. God, I'm so close, you have to come."

I could feel the head of my dick throbbing as I tried to hold it in. She was panting, her head dropped down and her wet hair falling out of the tie it was in. My eyes were trained to the point where we were joined. I watched myself sliding in and out of her, her wetness coating my cock. I clamped my eyes closed and willed myself to hold on; she was close, I could feel her legs shaking and her back stiffening. She was almost there and I had to hold out for just a few more moments. I could do this.

Without thinking, my eyes opened of their own accord and I looked down to see her round ass red where my hip bones were slamming into it and I released her shoulder, bringing my right hand down over her left cheek. She yelped and moaned. I could feel her tensing even more. I was so fucking close to coming at that point I almost didn't care if she came or not. The sight of my handprint on her ass cheek was enough to do me in.

"Please, Edward…do it again."

And at that moment, I couldn't have loved this girl more if someone paid me to. I raised my hand and slapped her right ass cheek hard. She gasped, moaning as her pussy clamped down around me and I finally let go. I grunted and pumped until I was spent.

We stayed there for a moment, regaining our bearings and calming our breathing. She looked over her shoulder at me and smiled. I let out a breath and laughed before pulling out of her. She stood up and I grabbed the towel wrapping it around my waist.

She quirked an eyebrow and I shrugged.

"You look better naked than I do."

Suddenly, I heard the sound of the doors screeching open again. Quickly grabbing Bella, I made to shield her but she was already trying to cover herself and we both went splashing into the water.

My eyes shut on the impact of the water but quickly snapped open looking for her. She was right beside me, her hair flowing wildly around her face and her eyes screwed shut. I reached forward and grabbed her arm, hauling her toward me and pulling us both up to the surface. I kept her chest against mine and wiped the water in my eyes before looking to see who the fuck had come in here.

Emmett's loud laughter reverberated across the room. I rolled my eyes and clutched Bella closer to me. She squeaked and wrapped her arms around my torso as I pulled us over to the edge so that I could hold onto it while keeping her against me.

"What the fuck Emmett?"

"Sorry, Jasper sent me in to get you. I'm not to leave without you."

"Well you can leave for a moment to let Bella get dressed."

"No can do, buddy."

Bella stiffened in my arms and I glared angrily at Emmett's smirking face.

Bastard.

"Turn around then."

He scoffed at me and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm not fucking playing around, Emmett. Turn the fuck around so she can get out and get her towel."

Emmett huffed and rolled his eyes before turning around and facing the door.

I swung Bella up and helped her out of the pool before following her. My own towel was at the bottom of the deep end now and I had no interest in getting it back. I snagged my shorts and pulled them on as Bella quickly ran to her towel on the bleachers and had it secured around her body just as Emmett turned back around.

"C'mon you guys, Jaspers just in the other room."

I grit my teeth and wrapped my arm around Bella's waist, shooting her a look that screamed how sorry I was. She shrugged but I saw how red her face was.

Jasper's blonde head looked up from a stack of sheets he had on a clip board as we entered the small side office across the hall from the pool annex.

"I see you got a warm down."

I rolled my eyes and Bella turned her face into my chest. Jasper's moods with Bella were putting him on my shit list. One minute she was his favorite person, then the next he treated her like the enemy. My eyes narrowed in on him and he shrugged his shoulders before looking back down at his papers.

"We start sparring next Monday. I have three guys lined up for practice. You will start out slow though. I want you to take this and follow it."

He handed me a meal plan. I skimmed and nodded. Nothing new. Bella took a peek at it and a pensive look came over her face.

"Do you approve?" I teased.

She looked up at me with those brown eyes that glimmered some and my teasing stopped. I wasn't sure what it was about this girl that turned me into a giant shield but I wanted nothing more than to gather her up in my arms and hold her. Some kind of pull inside me kept raging that I keep her safe. The need to wrap her up in warm, fuzzy blankets and feed her hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire was utterly ridiculous.

Like that cat from Shrek. Mmmm Pussy in boots…

She blinked and turned shyly into my chest again. My eyebrows furrowed and I hugged her to me. She seemed uncomfortable now. It had to be because of Emmett walking in on us.

Jasper cleared his throat and I looked back over to see his steel blue eyes regarding me.

"As I was saying, you need to follow that. We'll be scaling you in every morning. Starting Monday, along with sparring, you will be increasing your running and we'll be bringing out the punching bags. So be in the mindset for that. Also, you will need to be here at 5:30, training will run until 3. Any questions?"

He was increasing my workout times. I had never had to go for ten hours before, never. I wasn't in the mood to ask why. Bella was clearly in a bad situation and I wanted to get her home and the both of us cleaned up.

"None. See you bright and early Monday morning."

I grinned at him, but it was forced and I think he knew that.

My arms were around Bella's shoulders as I practically carried her out of the small office. Just before the door swung closed, I heard Emmett laughing.

"Bella! By the way! Nice hand prints!"

I desperately wanted to go back in there and ram his head into something sharp…repeatedly. But getting her far away from him was the best option. When I looked down, she had her face mashed into my shoulder and I could see that her forehead was a healthy shade of crimson. Chuckling, I released her for a moment to grab her swim suit and both our bags. Once we were set to go, I grabbed her hand and pulled her out the side exit to the parking lot. I looked around for her truck for a brief moment before turning to look at her with question.

"Alice dropped me off."

Nodding, I led her over to the Volvo and deposited her in the passenger seat before sliding in and racing home.

Something about us both needing to shower had me all excited.

I wonder why.

---

September 13

BPOV

The dreaded day of horror is upon me. Like the once a month vile thing that happens to all women, this once a year event has fallen on today's date…my birthday. Cherubs cowered and animals scurried into the safety of thicker woods on this day. My spine tingled in anticipation of what shiteousness was to come my way on this fateful, plaguing date. This day, that almost always held some sort of evil power over me.

Today I was twenty-two.

Yay for me! We have the first aide kit ready right?

September thirteenth has always held awful connotations for me, but not for the reasons that one might think. Oh no, I am all about getting presents and eating cake. It's just that since I was five, something horrible always seems to happen on this day. My birthday was like a once a year episode of Final Destination, whether it was my life or my pride Death was seeking, I never knew. I reclined back on the couch and looked at the television, not really comprehending the images or the sounds, but just looking at the scenes on the glossy flat screen is if they held the keys to my existence in them. I let my mind wander to the hell of birthday pasts; the real reasons why I hated this day with a fiery passion.

It all started on my fifth birthday when the clown threw up on my cake. It started there because that was the first one I can remember having at all. It was memorable, that's for sure. Thinking back on it now, the clown was probably drunk. At the time it was horrible but now that I think of it, I understand. I would have been sauced too if I had to dress up like that and fall around a bunch of kids and twist up balloons.

On my seventh birthday, I was visiting Charlie. He took me fishing. It was fun...until I got finned in the hand and the boat capsized. And it was funny, up until the moment I could feel the bottom of the lake wrapping around my legs. Freaky water plants trying to drown me on my birthday left me with some issues about being in Mother Nature's swimming pool.

On my tenth birthday, Renee got me a bike. It had training wheels. I broke my arm after twenty minutes.

For my twelfth birthday, my first boyfriend broke up with me. He started dating my best friend, Amanda. My mother bought me a push up bra and had me open it in front of everyone. Seventh grade sucked hard.

When I turned sixteen, Renee thought it would be a huge deal.

Sweet sixteen my ass.

She dressed me up in this awful pink dress and sent me to school in it. It was nice but didn't really belong on a sixteen year old; it was far too short and showed off my lack of breasts. I was complemented on it all day long. Whether people were sincere or just being sarcastic, I couldn't care less; I wanted the day to be over. When gym was over and it was time to change back into our regular clothes, I yanked the dress on as quickly as I could. I made it all the way down the hall to the cafeteria before I noticed the laughing was directed at me. I figured it was just the dress. Yeah, the dress that had failed to make it all the way down over my rear. Everyone at school now knew that I preferred the teenage mutant ninja turtles to regular underwear.

When I turned eighteen, my friend Sara thought I should start smoking. I wanted to try it because it seemed like fun and she swore it would relax me and take the edge off. So, I got completely drunk and smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I spent the rest of the night vomiting. In the morning my throat was so sore from the retching and smoking and my head hurt so bad I couldn't go to school.

Thanks Sara.

For my twentieth birthday Phil…well, Phil bought me some rather inappropriate attire. Needless to say, it was an awkward ordeal. One that my mother to this day knows nothing about and I shudder when I think of what that small gray box had contained.

And the small but still horrifying events in between those birthdays ranged from food poisoning, chicken pox, breaking my ankle, and all around asshattery that seemed to stem from the celebration of my birth.

So while I have nothing against getting gifts and celebrating getting older, it's the connotation that I have for this event. And the fact that this would be the first birthday not shared with my family.

Renee wasn't here to be silly and frivolous about cakes and balloons. She wouldn't be here to hug me and tell me no matter what, I was still her little baby. Charlie wasn't here to charm me into fishing or watching a baseball game. Neither would be around with 911 on speed dial, subsequently waiting for my demise at the hands of candles and balloon strings. No one would be rushing me to the hospital as birthday doom loomed over me.

It was strange to finally feel as if I were living in this grown up world. I was relieved but also sad to know that I was at this point in my life…

…and that I would have to call for the ambulance myself.

For the first time in almost a year, I wondered what Renee was doing. I wondered if she was thinking about today as my birthday or if she had forgotten. If it weren't for the reminder on the calendar she would most likely forget. I know my mother loves me but she was never one for remembering dates. I thought back on the reasons that I left. Would Charlie remember? Would he wonder where to send the card? Or had he already forgotten as well with Sue in the picture? My thoughts lingered on my memories of my parents, and I was a little worried at how I couldn't quite recall their faces. I seemed to be stuck in old photos that I had memorized of them and with that sad recollection, I realized that I had no photos to look at. I had no mementos of my childhood. I had the clothes on my back and the contents of my purse when I left Renee. And not being sentimental enough to carry photos around in my wallet, I was left with just my memories.

Depressing, indeed.

The one tradition that held strong all my birthdays was the candle. There was always just one candle. Renee always said it was because my first birthday was the moment she realized how monumentally important I was to her. I felt a little put out that it took her a whole year to realize that. But it was Renee, and I suppose I should feel happy that she realized it at all. So the one candle became a tradition for me and no matter what my cake looked like or how old I was, there was always one lone flame in the middle. It was always yellow and it was always the one that had a swirly stem. Renee would always stand behind me when it came time to blow it out and say something along the lines of "Make a wish and blow it out honey, or you'll have bad luck all year 'round." Always so superstitious of bad luck, she claimed that blowing out the fire would ensure happiness and good luck. In my later years, I internally scoffed as I blew out the candle with Phil standing right next to me.

Ramming that lit candle in his face would have got me farther.

With a new found sense of determination, I pulled myself off the couch and crept into the kitchen. I was, after all, done with all that bullshit and moving on with my life. My life with Edward. Who was still with Jasper and Emmett, doing God knows what at the ungodly hour. Who the fuck goes over training schedules at 9 o' clock at night? Jasper was really starting to piss me off. He had better be fucking training. Scowling, I thought about all the things he could be doing besides 'working out'. Bastard better be at the gym and not having a happy hour.

We trust Edward. Edward is amazing.

Mantra time.

Ohmmmm, Edward gives you happy thoughts and orgasms.

Ohmmmm, Edward and his enormous cock are our friends.

Ohmmmm, Edward has pretty hair and muscle-y arms and a nice ass and he's tall and takes care of you.

Ohmmmm, Edward would kick Phil's dirty…

You're done now.

I shook my head at my own stupid diatribe and began opening cabinets and looking for ingredients, quickly coming to the conclusion that I did not have what it took to make a cake. Taking the easy way out, I snagged the box of brownie mix that I hid in the pantry, preheated the oven, and pulled out the eggs and vegetable oil, resolving myself to make birthday brownies. After mixing the batter and pouring the concoction into a brand spankin' new baking dish, courtesy of Edward 'my big cock caretaker' as my internal monologue liked to call him. Not gonna lie, I haven't seen many dicks in my time…maybe five or so, but Edward has the market cornered on girth…and length…and hardness…and how long did those brownies have to be in the oven?

Longschlongward. You know its true.

A burst of hysteria escaped my lips and I knew I must look insane standing in front of the oven with wild eyes, cackling like a hyena.

Sometimes Prozac seems like a good idea.

When the buzzer sounded, I reached for a dish towel and pulled my chocolate goodness from the rack and set it to cool. I fished around in the drawers for the small box of candles that I had seen. Edward, for some reason had a drawer in the kitchen designated for batteries, post its, pens, and clothes pins, as well as an assortment of odd items that one would never need in a kitchen. I left the drawer with its odd miscellaneous items because it was such an Edward thing to do. It showed that side of his character that I couldn't help but love.

I yanked the next drawer open with the spirit of a pirate at a treasure chest and dug for the small white box of waxy sticks. Once I had them, I noticed they were small straight stems of blue candles; much thinner than my traditional yellow ones but much longer. Grinning, I opened the box and plucked one out to go on my brownie. It would stand tall and lean over my brownie, strongly defying the memory of my yellow candle, it's spectral opposite. The irony was not lost on me. Finding something to make fire would be harder. After pillaging the living room, the bedroom and finally Edward's office, I discovered a small book of matches in the bathroom. Why in the bathroom, I have no clue other than…it's Edward.

With unnecessary care, I cut out a small square of brownie (with a butter knife, no need to tempt fate) and plunked it down on a tiny plate. I placed the candle off center, at the top right corner. My life was no longer centered anyway. Honestly, lack of family aside, this was quite possibly the best birthday ever. A little depressing sure, but I wasn't embarrassed, confused, or angry. I didn't get any broken bones and there weren't people hovering around me. It was perfect. If only I had Edward here so that we could have some brownie sex…but there's still the rest of the pan and he'd be home later.

Don't forget the ice cream in the freezer. Nothing goes better with a warm brownie than some vanilla ice cream…all over his chest…and that long schlong he's got.

Another giggle escaped from my lips and I shook my head to clear myself before carefully lighting the match and then my candle. With my luck at birthday's, I had a good chance of lighting my hair on fire. I watched it for a few moments as the blue wax dripped down the straight stem and pursed my lips with resignation.

It was too horribly hopeful of me to wish that Edward would be here right now. It was too mean of me to wish for him to walk in at this exact moment to see me blow out this candle because of the conflicting emotions racing in me. One, I never told him it was my birthday and it was bitchy to assume that he would just know. Two, the guilt he would feel over not getting me a gift was shitty. The fact that I didn't really want a gift was another reason and my crazy bi-polarness wouldn't leave me alone to realize that while I didn't want a gift, I still wanted a gift.

Rolling my eyes, I surveyed how much wax I had left until my brownie would ignite itself with clinical severity. Gritting my teeth, I shut my eyes tightly and blew out the flame.

I wish that Edward and I get our happy ending. I wish that I had the strength to be honest with him.

My eyes popped open and I looked down at the candle with only centimeters to go before it touched the confection it was planted in. The smoke rose in steady rivulets up towards my face and I inhaled the scent of burnt, cheap wax and wick. I watched the waves of smoke as they filtered up and dissipated. I had always thought that it was a rather pretty thing to watch, even as a child it fascinated me. I would wait each time for the smoke to stop billowing before pulling out the candle. The scent was familiar and different than the smell of a regular candle. It was distinct in my mind as 'birthday candle smell'. It sent a moment of nostalgia through me when I took a big whiff. Twenty two years of blown out candles.

Fucking sentimental over a specific smoke smell. Uh huh. Hey! Can I get a refill on my Prozac script over here?! Thanks.

I pulled the small stub of wax from its corner spot on the brownie and laid it down on the counter to cool before tossing it in the trash. My fingers trembled as they picked up the square of brown birthday symbolism and taking a healthy bite, my eyes slipped shut and I tilted my chin up to savor the moment. It was still warm and soft, not quite cooked all the way. Essentially, it was a perfect brownie. I scarfed the rest down and took a chug of milk straight from the carton before cleaning up my birthday mess. I rinsed my mixing bowl and stuck in the wash and left the brownies to cool.

Edward would never know anything was different. I baked things all the time. My eye caught the blue stub of wax and I picked up, thinking briefly about keeping it as a memento or not, before my foot stomped down on the pedal and the trash can lid flew up. I tossed it in the trash thinking of how foolish I was becoming with silly things like candles. My mind switched over into its kitchen OCDness as I thought about how I would need to take the trash out tomorrow since it was getting full. Sighing, I surveyed the kitchen and was happy to see there was no evidence whatsoever lingering about.

Returning to the couch, I picked up my TV Guide and found a re-run of Gilligan's Island to help me relax.

My mind flickered to Edward and I wondered what he must have been doing right at that second. I could see him lounging in Emmett's office with Jasper. All three of them laughing over something stupid or concentrating on formulating another routine or schedule. They could have been talking strategy or how Edward was progressing with his training. I smiled to myself thinking about how concentrated Edward always looked when he was working out and listening to Jasper's low voiced comments and encouragements. He was always so fierce when it came to improving himself.

My mind wandered to Emmett calling me and asking me to come up to The Ring with a bathing suit on and a towel. He had said that Edward was being difficult and that I was the only person who could help him. I laughed, realizing the moment he mentioned a pool what exactly my role was going to be and I couldn't deny that it had sent a thrill up my spine knowing what was going to happen. My cheeks flushed thinking about our time on the diving board. My palms were still a little rough from the abrasive lining but it was well worth it. I had never been taken in that position before and it was amazing.

Sooner than I expected my eyes were drooping and I was nearly dead to the world. Before I could no longer hear Ginger's voice, I wondered…

Where are you Edward?

---

EPOV

Jasper was going to pay maliciously for this assfuckery. Calling me out to the fucking Ring at seven o' clock at night to go over charts was just being plain assholish. He knew I wanted to be home with Bella tonight. He knew the moment I mentioned how she was feeling off this morning that I was concerned for her. She had a particularly rough nightmare the night before and I was getting sick over not knowing what the fuck was wrong with her. For the first time since we had been sleeping together, she had mumbled in her unconscious. She only uttered three words but they were enough to make my blood run cold.

'Edward…save me.'

Her voice was sleep ravaged but she was clear as a bell and I felt the familiar tug at my chest when I heard her. So brave when she was awake and so fucking vulnerable in her sleep. Why was she dreaming of me? What was I supposed to save her from? Why couldn't she just tell me what was scaring her? My mind ran rampant with scenarios of what could have happened to her that caused her to leave her family at such a young age. Was I so different though? I left for stupid reasons but at the time they had meant everything. My pride was all I had when I walked out of my parents' house and uttered those fate sealing words.

"Fuck you both." I muttered under my breath with a tinge of ironic regret.

I was so fucking green then. I pressed the gas peddle down harder as my eyes glanced at the clock again. Ten thirty-five.

I grit my teeth and thought of all the ways I would fuck Jasper's world up the next time I saw him. He had lured me into his office with promises of only a ten minute chat that subsequently lasted a few hours. I nodded and grunted my understanding when he spieled on about the importance of my diet as he carefully dropped jabs at Bella's cooking and her lack of care for my training progress. So I snapped back, not so subtly, about how she had taken his stupid fucking meal plan and stuck to it faithfully. I was at the end my patience meter when it came to Jasper and his 'hot and cold' routine. He praised Bella as a person and tore her down as my girlfriend. I didn't need to be a fucking psychologist to know where this was all coming from.

But Bella was no Maria, and I wasn't going to make his mistake. I knew how I felt about Bella. Uttering those three deadly words was my only defect when it came to my certainty on our relationship. It wasn't like I didn't feel love for her. I did, in massive quantities but saying it out loud was getting harder with every day that I didn't and every moment when I wanted to, when the timing seemed perfect, the words seemed stuck in my throat, refusing to come out. And every time I saw her face fall, just a little, knowing that I was not going to tell her, it crushed me.

Three fucking words and you can't do it. This is the only thing that makes you a man. The fear of commitment.

And it wasn't even commitment. I was committed to Bella. She had me, heart and soul. It was the thought of making the love real and then stealing it away from her that I feared. In a month and half I had the distinct possibility of going into a ring with a sociopath and not coming out again. How could I lay that on her?

'I love you, Bella, now I'm going to get in that ring and I might die…but I love you.'

Oh, yeah, that's rich. No pressure or anything. At least by omitting those words I can provide her an out to this situation. I would show her I loved her and never give her the concrete evidence that she needed. So that if I didn't come back to her one day, she was free to write it off as a meaningless relationship. Jasper's issues paled in comparison my mine.

I knew that my reasoning was weak at best, but it was the only thing keeping me from walking into Emmett's office and telling him I wasn't coming back. It was the only thing keeping me from really thinking about going back to school and entertaining a real job, a real life, and real security. I wasn't poor by any means. I worked hard, pushing my body to the limits for every dollar that I made and I didn't live a careless life. I saved, by God did I save. But those three words, said out loud…those three words that would make her face glow and her smile blinding were the three words that would steal the sanity right out from under me. I couldn't do it. I was a coward and a selfish fucking asshole for it. She deserved better but could I let her go?

Fuck no.

I would rather die in the ring than let her go. And that is exactly what I was planning on doing. Going until I died. Reasonably, I knew at some point she would confront me about the situation. Okay, so I knew that she wouldn't, she loved me that much. And if it were the other way around, I wouldn't push the topic either. I played her insecurity against her on this subject which only made me more of a fucking douchebag. She wouldn't push me, or weasel a confession of love from me because she knew. She knew I fucking loved her and she knew I would give my left nut for her in a heartbeat. Fuck, she practically carried my balls in her back pocket as it is.

We know. You clearly act as if you are testicle-less.

Finally, I pulled into the only vacant spot in front of the apartment and sprinted up the steps to her. Because that was really where I was going; not home, not to my bed...I was going to her. And it was the most thrilling thing to know that no matter where we were, she would be there. It was that warm fuzzy truth that had conquered the anger inside me.

Taking the steps two at a time I finally made it to the door and slowed down, making sure to be as quiet as possible in case she was already asleep. Once inside I heard the faint sounds of 'I Dream of Jennie' coming from the living room. I crept towards the couch slowly and smiled at her peaceful face. She was sleeping soundly for once and I had no intention of waking her. The throw blanket lay on the floor next to her and her arms were tossed above her head like a child. Her lips parted slightly as she breathed evenly and her lashes fluttered gently against her cheeks. I grinned and watched her for a moment before my stomach growled. I frowned and backed away into the kitchen. As soon as I stepped close to the counter I smelled the chocolate and zeroed in on the brownies left on the stove.

It seemed rather odd that she would have made them considering I couldn't have anything sweet. But to rationalize the thought, Bella loved to bake and it wasn't so unreasonable that she would make them. I shrugged to myself and opened the fridge, snagging a protein shake that kinda tasted like strawberries and popped the top. Before it made it to my mouth, I caught the scent of something off. Something slightly stronger than the fudgy smell of the brownies.

Smoke.

I suddenly tensed. Bella never burned anything. She was meticulous when it came to cooking. I peered around the kitchen to detect where the smell might be emitting from only to see clean counter tops and an empty sink. I downed the drink in one chug and walked to the trash can. As my foot came down on the pedal and the top lifted, I stared down expecting to see remnants of a burnt…something, only to see the short blue candle that had been burnt down to nothing. I recognized them immediately. I had purchased them for Emmett's birthday two years ago but never used them. Alice already had a cake for him with sparkling candles to boot. And I had tossed them in the drawer not thinking twice about them again. My fingers delicately picked up the used wax and I rolled it in my fingers, mulling over the intentions it held.

I lingered over my internal calendar and accounted for Emmett and Jasper's birthdays. It was impossible for me not to know about Alice's. She made sure the entire building knew she was getting older. That left one person.

Bella.

I was frozen for a moment staring at the little blue piece of evidence. Surely, I was mistaken. I glanced over at the pan of brownies and walked over to it cautiously, the empty bottle still in my hand and the candle in the other. One square was suspiciously missing. Sucking in a controlled breath, I tossed the candle and the empty drink into the trash before quietly moving into the living room. I looked down at her slumbering form briefly before resolving to snoop where I shouldn't snoop. I snatched her purse from the coffee table and stole away into my office. I felt like a thief. Once I located her wallet, I flipped out her driver's license and peered over it. It was an Arizona license and it took me a moment to locate her birth date however, once I did, those glaring red numbers confirmed my suspicions. My eyes flickered to the desktop calendar and I squeezed my eyes shut.

Bella had turned twenty-two today.

I gripped the hard plastic card, feeling its sharp edges cutting into my palm, before shoving back into its slot and throwing the wallet into her purse. After placing the offending bag back on the coffee table, I glared down at her. How the fuck could she not say anything? Could I really be angry at her for it? I never fucking asked.

Fuck. I never fucking asked.

Apparently my douchebaggery knew no bounds after all. Wonderful. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other while glancing around the apartment. My hands planted firmly on my hips in an attempt to keep me from breaking something. I was outraged. Pissed beyond belief that I had fucked up so monumentally. Of course she was down this morning, it was her fucking birthday and I didn't say shit. I should have told Jasper to shove this meeting up his ass. On the one fucking day I should have been home, I had left her here by herself. The one fucking day that should have paid attention to her moods and I failed.

With a string of profanities under my breath, I snagged my car keys off the hall table and left the apartment, shutting the door as silently as possible. Once in the safety of the Volvo I let out my frustration….on the steering wheel. My palm slammed down repeatedly on the leather ring with force and when I was afraid of damaging it any further, I switched to the dash. I heard the plastic groan under my assault but it didn't crack. Gritting my teeth in the wake of my impotence, I rammed the key into the ignition and cranked it with viciousness. I peeled out of the parking space with the intention of…doing God knows what. I drove for almost thirty minutes before coming to the conclusion that it wasn't too late to fix this. I could still fix this.

As I pulled into the parking lot of an all night grocery store my phone began to vibrate in my coat pocket. I yanked it out and glanced at the screen. Bella's grinning face displayed on the screen and I dropped my head back in aggravation. Finally deciding to answer, I hit the green button and held the phone up to my ear.

"Yeah?" I grimaced at the harsh tone of my voice.

There was silence for a beat before she spoke.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?" I breathed out a controlled answer that spoke volumes of my impatience.

"Um, I didn't mean to…bother you while you're with Jasper but I was just wondering…if you were okay, cause its late and I didn't know. You know, I'm sorry, this was stupid I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry, I'll let you go."

I shut my eyes in defeat. If it was possible to make me feel even shittier, I would find the way.

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'll be home in a little bit okay? Just give me another half an hour and I'll be there."

"Don't rush yourself, Edward. It's not a big deal, I was just worried that's all."

And my chest constricted as the python of guilt went in for the kill. 'Not a big deal…' It was a big fucking deal.

"Bella, baby…I…I'll be home soon. Will you try to stay up for me?"

"Of course, Edward. Please don't rush home; I'm sure Jasper isn't too thrilled with me stealing you away all the time. I'll let you go now, okay?"

Sighing, I nodded, as if she could see me.

"Alright, I'll see you in a bit."

"Kay…um..bye."

"Bye."

Even her goodbye was plagued with that missing 'I love you.'

Such a fucking tool.

Groaning, I slipped the phone back in my pocket and bolted into the store. I went quickly to the bakery and saw the assortment of cakes. But the more I looked, the more I second guessed getting one. She had made brownies…would buying her cake be wrong now? I settled on a small cake that could reasonably be shared between two people only and zoomed over to the liquor isle. All the wine and champagne seemed too cheap, then I remembered that they probably kept the good stuff locked up front with the smokes. As I made a beeline for the register, I passed a small section of school supplies and skidded to a stop. Without putting too much thought into it, I snatched up three black composition books, the nicest ones they had, and a pack of those stupid Bic pens that she loved to demolish with her teeth. There was a roll of brown wrapping paper on the bottom shelf and I grabbed it too, along with some scissors and tape. It was kinda shitty but it would have to do. It was better than presenting it in a plastic bag.

Once at the register, I asked the girl for a bottle of Cristal. I cringed when she asked to see my driver's license, thinking back on my treachery but gladly paid the outrageous price for the bottle. It was worth it. It was all worth it. She bagged the frigid bottle and handed it to me with a wary glance.

With my packages secured, I bolted to the car and quickly tore apart the bag with the wrapping paper and the notebooks. It was a frightening hodgepodge of brown paper and tape. I never could remember how to wrap things right. After three attempts to correctly wrap the notebooks and pens, I gave up and just twisted the paper and taped it down like a fucked up sack. After I was out of paper and time, I raced back home, praying that I was doing the right thing. The closer I got to the apartment the more my anxiety rose. Would she see right through me? Would she know that I went through her purse? Would she be angry about it? Was this fixable?

By the time I pulled back into the same empty spot, my hands were sweating and I couldn't help but think about how I continued to fail miserably at this whole thing and how many more times I could afford to fuck up before Bella had had enough. While the reasonable side of my mind was telling me that she wasn't going to leave over a forgotten birthday, that I had no knowledge of in the first place, the insecure part of my brain was yelling profanities at me and telling me to just end my own pathetic existence.

Just drink the fucking kool-aid and get it over with.

Grunting, I reached into the back seat for my stash of birthday surprises and walked up the steps to my impending doom. Unlike before, I took the steps one at a time and the farther up I got, gravity seemed to be weighing me down. The situation I was entering into was scary as fuck and I entertained the thought of ditching the shit in the bags and continuing on as if I really didn't know about her birthday, which made me feel even shittier than I already did just for thinking it, if that were at all possible. My hand shook as I fit the key in the lock of the door and I tentatively stepped inside, my eyes darting around in search of Bella. I walked forward into the living room, robotically. I didn't really comprehend anything at this point other than the motions that I knew I had to perform. When I saw her sitting on the couch with a expression on her face I couldn't quite decipher, I felt all the worry rush out of me and the anger resurface.

Being angry at Bella felt wrong. No matter what I was upset about, warranted or not, it felt wrong to be anything but happy with her. It threw me out of whack when I felt this way and unlike all the other times I felt frustrated with her actions, this was not a time where I could just fuck the emotions out. I had to tread carefully here and jam the rage back into its loose lidded box. I had to remain in control of this for her sake and my own.

She offered me a small smile. She knew something was wrong. I'm sure my expression, whatever it was, had shown her as much.

"Happy Birthday."

She blanched at my words and quickly ducked her head down, shielding her eyes from me. I felt the red haze flare up momentarily before I kicked it back down.

Always getting so fucking angry at such stupid shit.

"Bella…why didn't you tell me?"

She sniffled a little and shrugged her shoulders. I knew she was close to crying. I could almost smell her tears as if they were tangible flood gates. I sighed and placed the bags on the coffee table before pulling her into my arms and settling down on the couch with her in my lap, where she automatically curled up and pressed her face into my neck.

"Bella baby, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I should have asked…but you could have told me. I'm so shitty at this whole boyfriend thing." I mumbled the last part under my breath.

I stroked her hair and rubbed her back, showing her that I wasn't angry just confused and tried to convey as much love and care into the gestures and hoped she would notice.

"Y-you're not shitty at it. You're...hiccup...the best. How… did you find out?"

Oh shit. So I figured I could get around this question by just firing off questions at her… maybe confusing her into not seeing that I had also partaken in some treachery of my own, because God knows having the discussion about raiding her purse was not something I wanted to do at this moment. My hand paused mid stroke in her hair.

Deflect dammit! The longer you pause the guiltier you look.

"You didn't answer my question."

She sniffled and turned her head out from my neck to answer me.

"It never came up and I honestly didn't remember until this morning when I saw the calendar. I…kinda hate my birthday so I mean, it's not like I look forward to it or anything. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty or keep it a secret or anything."

She rambled on and I internally sighed. She had forgotten, too. That made me feel better.

"Why don't you like your birthday?"

She let out a frantic chuckle that had me slightly worried for her sanity and then sucked in a deep breath.

"Oh, well let's see. Clowns throwing up, guys breaking up with me, people seeing my panties, breaking my arm, chicken pox, my mother freaking out, fucking lake grass…This probably doesn't make much sense but I'm cursed when it comes to birthdays. Today I thought I might actually make it till midnight without something happening…I was wrong. You didn't have to get me anything. It's not a big deal."

And then the guilt washed over me, fresh and salty in my wounded heart and I squeezed her to me. The guilt was quickly replaced by anger as I let her last words filter into my brain. It was a big fucking deal. My fingers curled into tight fists as I tried to maintain my composure. This is where it was all getting tricky. I had to be understanding; I had to think about why she would not want to celebrate today. It made it easier to relieve the tension I was feeling. Of course there would be something wrong with her memories of birthdays. What person wouldn't mention the date if they actually enjoyed them. I shook my head at this whole situation and placed her back down on the cushions of the seat. She looked at me curiously and I squeezed her knee to let her know that I was okay.

I shrugged off my jacket and leaned forward, digging through the bags on the coffee table for my first order of business. I pulled the cake from the box and popped off the clear plastic top setting it gently down on the table. Suddenly, I realized I forgot candles like the dipshit that I am. She wouldn't be upset if I used the blue ones again, right? Jesus, I hope there are twenty two of them in the box. I walked to the kitchen slowly but as soon as I was out of her vision, I raced to the drawer and yanked it open snagging the box and popping the top trying to count the wicks. Fuck, nineteen. Okay so we'll improvise…I looked around for something that I could use as three more candles but it was no use, I never got candles. I snagged the matches and hurried back out to the living room, hoping that I got credit for trying and sat back down on the couch. I tried to be discreet about the breath that I was sucking in to help give me to composure not to fuck this up. Bella watched me with wide eyes and I tried to smile at her reassuringly. This was playing out like a scene from a movie where I felt like should be defusing the cake rather than lighting it.

I pulled the candles out into my lap and picked up the first one and leaned over to stick it in the middle of the cake when Bella's hand shot out and grabbed my wrist.

"No, not in the middle…and…just one. I just need one candle."

"But…"

"Please Edward? It's just…it's how my mother always did it."

That was the end of that. I looked over the round cake and decided to place it up at the right corner where there was more space allotted away from the cursive 'Happy Birthday' and looked over at her for her reaction. The genuine grin caught me by surprise and I found myself smiling back. It gave me the confidence I needed to continue.

See, I can do this, I got this. I can fix things and be all romantic and shit.

I lit the candle and held my breath waiting for her to blow it out. And as the candle burned down, I became concerned. My eyes flickered back to her face and I half expected to see something wrong, however, she was staring at the wax with a look of determination. My eyebrows shot up and I watched with patience as she leaned forward and grabbed my hand.

She sucked in a shaky breath and blew out the candle. I made to pluck it from the cake but again, she grabbed my hand and stopped me.

"You have to wait for the smoke to stop burning first."

I conceded and greedily took in this information for future reference. This was the closest we had ever gotten to discussing anything personal about her past and I wanted to show her that I was okay with learning. I would learn these small things for her and keep to them. We both sat there watching the smoke trailing off the black wick and waiting for it to stop. Once it was done, I looked to her for permission and she nodded. After pulling out the candle, I set it on the coffee table with care and pulled out the bottle of Cristal.

"Edward…that's…a really expensive bottle of champagne."

"Um, the point here is quality not…monetary. So, hold up real quick while I get forks and glasses."

She just stared at the gold wrapping around the top of the bottle as I sprinted for the kitchen again and produced two glasses and two forks. I handed her one of each before sitting back down and grabbing the champagne bottle. I had never opened one of these before. Emmett was always the boisterous one at parties and managed to get a hold of the bottle before anyone else. I tore off the golden wrapper and decided it might be best to open this thing in the kitchen and save myself the mess all over the living room. Grabbing Bella's hand, I tugged her into the kitchen and set her up on the island counter top.

She watched me with amusement as I looked at the wire cage over the cork. I ignored her and pried it off gently. With the utmost concentration, I twisted the cork and heard the distinct pop as the cork flew out from between my wet fingers and saw the small geyser of foam shoot out just as I turned to direct the flow over the floor and countertop before settling into the sink. A second too late, I registered Bella's yelp of pain and I almost dropped the bottle in my haste to find out what had happened. Setting it down quickly, I turned to see her gripping her shoulder and wincing.

"Shit! I'm so sorry, I've never opened one of those before…here, let me see."

I pried her fingers away from the wounded area and saw an angry red dot forming on the soft flesh of her upper arm. The cork must have hit her.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm so sorry. Let me get you some ice."

"No, no, it's okay…." She trailed off in fits of laughter. I was considering her sanity for a moment before joining in and kissing above the angry welt.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Now my birthday is complete. I can't tell you how worried I was about that. It could have been so much worse. At least we don't have to call for the ambulance."

She laughed harder as if there was some inside joke to that statement and I just smiled at her. She looked genuinely happy. Shrugging, I filled our glasses and took us back to couch for the cake. She grinned and we both dug into the icing without bothering to cut pieces. She laughed when I fed her a piece and smeared it on her face and I was paid back with icing smudged over my nose. It was fun and light and much easier now that I knew I wasn't an asshole for not knowing it was her birthday. We were enjoying the time.

"When's your birthday, Edward?"

"I don't think I should tell you. I should just wait and see if you figure it out."

It might have come out sounding dickish because of recent events but the words came out unfiltered before I could stop them. She surprised me though and giggled.

"C'mon. Tell me. You know you wanna."

She turned those brown eyes on me and pouted a little. Alice should take lessons from her. Bella rarely used the face of doom but when she did, she owned it.

"Do you remember the day that you found me in the locker room?"

"Of course I do, Edward. I'll never forget that day." Suddenly her mood was pensive and thoughtful. I struggled to right my wrong.

"Well, that was my birthday."

She gaped at me for a moment before rolling her eyes.

"When's your birthday, Edward? Really?"

"June 20th. That's my birthday. Really."

"And that day…that was June 20th? ...Really?"

"Really. And I got the best gift of my entire life."

Her eyes misted over and she got all sniffley.

I fucking own being romantic.

And she launched herself into my arms and I held her close with our sugar crusted faces and sticky champagne fingers.

"Bella, from now on you will have cake and candles and presents. I don't give a shit how much it pisses you off about the gifts. I'm going to make sure every year you have a happy birthday and I'm going to do my damndest to make sure no one throws up or gets hurt okay?"

She giggled into my chest and weights came off me in bounds.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Can we…will you…make love to me?"

Freeze. Stop. Re-wind. Back it up. Danger. Proceed with Caution.

"Of course I will. You never have to ask."

And with wild thoughts running through my mind, my lack of balls, my utter devotion to this crazy woman, and my uncertain future, I knew that I would tell her that I loved her. I would tell her soon because she risked her heart for me and I was a fucking douchebag for not doing the same.

---

BPOV

After I got off the phone with Edward, I was worried. Something bad had happened. He was angry. And I knew enough to know that Edward being angry and difficult wasn't a new thing but it was a cause for concern. I feared that it had something to do with Jasper's new found bipolar hate for me. Scenarios of them fighting cropped up in my head and I nervously tapped my leg waiting for his arrival. I heard the door knob rattle and I tensed waiting for whatever it was that was coming. Of course today couldn't be without any repercussions.

Edward breezed in carrying grocery bags and I didn't question it even though I wanted to. "Happy Birthday." And I fucking lost it. I felt the tremor run up my spine and I knew this was going to be bad. He was probably pissed.

Shit, Fuck, shit.

And so I did what I had felt like doing all day long. I cried. And Edward was…well, he was Edward and managed to turn the tables on me yet again. I told him about the candles and he bought me ridiculously expensive champagne. I was delighted to find out my only birthday retribution was a stray cork. We had cake and made a mess on the couch. It was the best fucking birthday ever.

And to top things off, Edward was currently carrying me into the bedroom…to do naughty things to me.

Best fucking birthday ever.

He laid me down on the comforter and leaned between my bent legs, running his hands up and down my thighs. I thanked my stars for shaving my legs this morning and deciding to wear these shorts to bed. I laid there watching him stroke his hands in a lazy circuit, up the outside of my thighs and down to my knees. My hips squirmed into the fluffy mattress when his fingers came up higher, brushing underneath the cotton of my shorts.

"Edward…"

"Oh no, this is retribution for teasing me."

"I…have never…teased you."

He looked at me in disbelief while grinning madly. Slowly, he pulled his hands away and tugged the black polo he was wearing over his head. Inch by delicious inch, his abs came into view, then his pecs, and his glorious shoulders. He tossed the shirt to the floor and reached down to flick open his belt and unbutton his jeans. I licked my lips thinking about it.

Where the fuck are those brownies?

But no sooner had the thought popped into my head, the playfulness left us and we were lost to the gravity. This was different. We both needed the affirmation. We both needed to know that we were each other's everything. And I felt him trying to show me that it was okay for me to need him like this. It was okay for me to let him take the control I wanted to give him.

Leaving his erection straining from his boxers, he drug his hands up my calves and over my inner thighs. My breathing hitched and I lay motionless; the venom of his seduction leaving me immobile. I eyed his thick shaft concealed by gray cloth, lying between the heavy ends of his belt, the undone zipper showcasing what I wanted the most. I could clearly see the silhouette of the head and the small stain of pre-cum darkening the tip. His jade eyes were dilated, leaving only a thin ring of green glowing in the blue light of the alarm clock. Fingers connected to hot palms pressed up over my hips and across my stomach to touch my breasts. My heart began to pump in unsteady beats as I arched into his touch, as if the beating muscle were trying to escape to him through my chest. My vocal cords mutinied against me and released low moans of satisfaction.

His hands were never awkward or hesitant. He knew what he wanted. The way he completely controlled every second of our unions sent a tremor through my body. He was everything I needed him to me. He took the lead and made me feel what I never thought I could. My head pressed back into the pillows as his hands reached up over my chest and wrapped around the back of my neck, massaging and comforting. His torso bent over my own.

Looming, controlling, loving, needing, giving. He was everything now.

His eyes held a kind of devotion and need that I felt. I released the breath I was holding when his lips pressed down on my neck, slowly sliding up my jaw. He knew what I needed, and he never asked for more than what I was willing to give. He never made me into something I was not. Not here, not where we were at our barest level.

My legs pulled shut, holding him close to me and his hands moved from my neck and shoulder to balance himself above me, his face dipping to rest against my neck.

"I need you." My voice was just a whisper.

"I know, baby. I need you, too. Let me love you." He mumbled against my skin.

It was the closest he had gotten to saying it, and I reveled in the new found feeling. Edward was getting closer to admitting it. He was getting closer to me. We were the same; both needing, both wanting and both willing to give whatever was asked of one another.

His hands slid under my waist and pulled me up until I was sitting, my forehead pressed against his sternum. I felt his fingertips flit under the hem of my tank top before he drew it up over my head. Pushing me back against the pillows, he gripped the waistband of my shorts and slid them down along with my panties. I felt the cold air hit my slick thighs and burning pussy. My cheeks flushed in embarrassment and I felt the heat radiate down over my chest.

My eyes shot up to Edward's face as he made a strangled noise; his own eyes taking in my naked form and lingering on my blushing breasts. He yanked off his jeans and boxers without looking away and kicked his knees, freeing himself without leaving the area between my legs. My hands lay at my sides, my fingers twitching to touch him. But I wanted him to take what he wanted, how he wanted.

"Shit, Bella, there are so many things…so many words…none of them are good enough."

"No words, Edward. Just us."

He nodded and swallowed thickly before lowering himself down on me and nuzzling my hard nipples. My hands came up and held his face to me. I wanted to keep him safe from everything. I wanted to make all his pain go away. I wanted to take him away from all the fighting and the bloodshed and just take care of him forever.

"Bella…"

I felt him press at my entrance and I affirmed his request by lifting my hips and urging him on. He slid into me easily, moaning as I gasped. He was always so consuming. The feeling of him inside me filling up everything I lacked; he was everywhere all at once. His thrusts were slow and steady. I gripped onto his arms and pulled him closer, wanting the contact. My legs wrapped around his waist, hitching high and holding tight, an arm slid around my waist, holding me close. The proximity of our chests prevented him from pulling out too far and we moved together slowly. He pulled out only inches before sliding back into me. It was enough. It was just enough to give me what I needed and to prolong the experience.

Slicked with sweat we shifted and grinded against each other. Our panting and shudders blending into each other. I felt myself getting closer to the edge of that release. That high only he could bring me too. The sounds of his pleasure resonating inside my mind and urging me on to freedom and he knew that I was almost there, just like I knew he was almost there.

His hips moved faster, out of rhythm, frantic almost. I tried to match him, to meet him halfway but I was at an awkward angle and he was consuming me. This was the nature of our love; the slow, steady, solid buildup and the reckless, wanting, needing release.

I bit my lip and moaned as my walls clamped down around him and he dropped his head to my neck pressing hot, wet kisses there as he groaned and spilled into me. My legs wrapped around him tighter and he knew I wanted him to stay.

His hands swept down my sides and I kissed away the sweat on his brow. He murmured words of affection and endearments to me as I regained my composure. My hands stroked his back with comfort and before long he pulled me up and settled us both under the blankets. He reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp before looking down at me for a moment.

"I'll be right back okay?"

I looked at him in bewilderment before woodenly nodding my head and watching him retreat out of the bedroom. I heard the rustling of plastic before he came loping back into the room, naked and glorious. My eyes lingered up his stomach and over his arms before I noticed he had a mangled brown package in his hands. When I looked at his face he looked sheepish and shy. I had never seen that look before.

"What is it, Edward?"

"I got you something. It's stupid…and not at all what you really deserve but it's the best I could have done on such short notice…and later on I can always…just…open it. And pretend like its wrapped right."

I took the package from him delicately and looked at the wrapping job he had done. Compressing my laughter, I slid my nails under the tape and pulled it apart quickly. A pack of pens fell out into my lap and I sifted through the notebooks.

"I know how much you like to write stuff down and I figured those other ones you have are all filled up and I noticed you flipping through one looking for space to write…so I was thinking of getting some the other day for you…

They're just cheap little notebooks and I do plan on getting you something nice to write with but for right now…

And the pens…I know those are your favorites…I won't bitch about you chewing on them anymore."

My throat closed up and I blinked back tears.

"Fuck, Bella I'm sorry. I'll get nicer ones…whatever you want. It's your birthday…"

"Stop, please stop. It's perfect. It's actually the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever gotten me."

I chewed on my lip and finally pulled my eyes from the pens to see his face. I threw myself into his arms and squeezed him tightly.

"Really, Edward, this is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. This has to be the best birthday I have ever had. Thank you."

He beamed at me and picked up my gifts, setting them aside on the nightstand and wrapping me up in his arms. The light was turned out and I drifted off to sleep not fearing my dreams anymore.

---

AN: Ridiculously long…just like this chapter…Read this if you have questions or just wanna know what the fuck im thinking what i write this shizzle. If you don't feel like it, eh, its not that important.

Was it too long? I just fucking hate cutting shit down when it's going to fuck with my outline. I'm OCD like that...just lemme know anyone had problems with this being too long...

...I'm under the impression ppl like long chapters...

BELLA DOES NOT GET PREGNANT. AT ALL. NOT HAPPENING. NOT EVEN A PREGNANCY SCARE. no babies....whatsoever.

Alright, I'm going to address this. I don't really want to but I'm going to. So some people don't like Bella and her Miss Independence act. (kelly clarkson's song is close here) Some of you think she should just put aside her feelings and let Edward take care of her. Now, I'm aware that Bella's thoughts and actions might come off a little overbearing but think about the whole picture here. She's 22. (now) and she's barely had time to be an adult. She's grown up with divorced parents and she's thrown herself under the bus for them. Her entire life she's done what she thought was best for her mother and father, never for her. So in this bizzaro world where this man suddenly wants to lavish affections on her, she's thrown off kilter. She doesn't want to be like her mother, who relied on a man to support her. She doesn't want to seem weak in front Edward, she wants to be his equal. Also, it's a defense mechanism. It's the last shield she has to protect herself. By providing for herself she is not responsible to anyone. She doesn't owe anyone anything. Despite that being Edward's intention or not, its how Bella see's it. She doesn't want anything held over her head.

okay now that, that's been said.

so a few things if you might want to know. the candles. yeah. if you saw the resemblance there

yellow and blue are color opposites and she placed the blue candle in the corner (like when a boxer goes to his corner) also Bella's world is different now. She has different people in her life who care about her. She's realizing that the centered normal world that she lived in wasn't so normal. She's okay with being a little off center. whether she did this with realizing it or not she has associated in her mind her allegiance to Edward. Her future with Edward is the blue candle and her past with Renee and Phil is the yellow candle.

Edward is afraid of dumb shit. Just like always. This was one character flaw I couldn't get rid of in this fic. It has to be here. He has managed to convince himself that by not saying I love you to Bella it makes it not exist. He's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyding it. The good part of him wants to tell her, but cant so he shows her, the other part is going, fuck telling her, we might die soon. Both sides want to protect Bella. His believes that by keeping the words to himself this will grant her the ability to get over him should he die in the ring. But he isn't being stupid enough to let Bella go and find a better life. He's too selfish for that. They're both too selfish to face their problems. This method of thinking won't last long though. Edward's smart enough to figure his shit out. His problem now will be timing.

So, yeah, there was some nice lemony fluff and some fail on the birthday business. And not only was there one lemon...but two. yeah, they're back to doing it like rabbits. Edward's all "oooh baby" and Bella's all "meaningful connection" typical man/woman thing.

No one died, there wasn't a house fire and definitely no pot brownies but I like to think it worked itself out. ha, not really. So, this is a catalyst for these two. This is where all the drama is going to start from. The past is rearing its ugly head and making itself known.

And Bella is loving the control that Edward is putting out in the bedroom....and in the kitchen...and in the bathroom...and apparently now in public. This will become a big deal later on. The whole sexual control thing that is.

Bella's internal monologue made a vengeful comeback in this chapter. She's regaining some of her old self now. I mean if you think about it, you'd lose a little bit of yourself with all this shit going on. So, if you haven't figured that out yet, her inner diatribe is her conscience and kinda like her moral compass. It's those annoying stray thoughts that make you feel stupid when no one is looking and you're making crackpot remarks to yourself about the girls on the magazines in the checkout line at the supermarket.

And I almost never hint out what's going on in a chapter so if it helped you understand better, then awesome if it ruined it for you...I'm not sorry. I just felt like these points are important to point out just in case you didn't see them because they'll become more so important in the future and maybe it will show you what I'm trying to get at here with this.

if you're bored and looking for some fun and man candy come on down to Twilighted's Shadowboxer forum thread

we don't bite...unless you want us to, in which case we are really good at it.

i post teasers and drop hints about chapters. generally riling up anyone who wants to know whats going to happen.

so, that's about for this installment kiddies, hopefully it wont take me so long to get the next one to you...even tho it too will probably be a doozy, go rest your eyes....

tune in next time.

oh and you know...

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