CHAPTER – 17 EPOV NOT EVEN A MOUSE
Windows – Fiona Apple
I was staring out the window
The whole time he was talking to me
It was a filthy pane of glass
I couldn't get a clear view
As he went on and on
It wasn't the outside world I could see
Just the filthy pane that I was looking through
So I had to break the window
It just had to be
Better that I break the window
Than him or her or me
I was never focused on just one thing
My eyes got fixed when my mind got soft
It may looked like I'm concentrated on a very clear view
But I'm as good as asleep
I bet you didn't know
It takes a lot of it away if you do
So I had to break the window
It just had to be
Better that I break the window
Than him or her or me
Because the fact in fact
Whatever's in front of me is covering my view
So I can't see what I'm seeing in fact
I only see what I'm looking through
I had to break the window
It just had to be it was in my way
Better that I break the window
Then forget what I had to say
So again I've done the right thing
I was never worried about that
The answer's always been in clear view
But even when the window's clean
I still can't see for the fact
That when it's clean it's so clear
I can't tell what I'm looking through
So I had to break the window
It just had to be
Better that I break the window
Than him or her or me
I had to break the window
It just had to be it was in my way
Better that I break the window
Then forget what I had to say
Or miss what I should see
Or breaking him or her or me
EPOV
Of all the times to recall something my mother had said, right now would be the time. My mother loved her adages; she had one for every situation. The one that I should have heeded the most however, had failed to come to mind until the damage was already done.
Think three times before you say something, Edward. Think about how it affects you, think about how it affects the person you are saying it to, and think about how it affects the situation.
Except in this situation, I had said little and done much. If I had taken the time to think about what my outburst was going to accomplish…
Alright, well if I'm being honest with myself, there wasn't much thinking going on at all, just unadulterated rage.
I pressed my face against the seal of the bathroom door and heard her whimpering.
"Bella…"
Her sniffles stopped for a moment and then I heard her hiccup.
"Bella, please baby, come out, or let me in. Please? I'm so sorry. I'm not angry with you…I just…please, let me in."
I had been out here for an hour trying to gain access into the bathroom. She had flown in there after my colossal loss with reality and had been holed up crying. At least now her sobs had died down into silence for the most part. My heart ached knowing she was in there, probably curled up and hurting, while I was out here and couldn't do a damn thing.
When she had gotten done talking and was just sitting there looking so fucking broken and scared, I lost all control. The light in her eyes was dulled from recalling the fucked up reason of why she was here. The killer thing was that had none of that happened to her, she would never have met me. She would not be in Chicago. That made me angry.
The need to just find him, break him, kill him, was overwhelming. I hated knowing that when she needed me to be understanding and comforting, I lost my cool but I needed to let that out before I could even think about focusing on her. I had to. My eyes glanced back up at the bed and I sighed, my eyes slipping shut and my head banging back on the bathroom door.
**
"Alright Bella…truth or dare?"
I watched her face in amusement. This was going to either be really good or really bad. I tried to send her an encouraging smile but she never looked at me.
"Truth."
"Alright, lemme think of a good one, give me a second."
She smiled at Emmett and I pulled her more securely into my side, letting her know that I was here to protect her if he got out of hand.
"Okay, what was the most awkward sexual experience you have ever had?"
I rolled my eyes at his question and planned on making a smart remark but Bella tensed in my arms and I peeked down at her. Her breaths were coming in shallow gasps and her eyes were glistening with tears. She looked as white as a sheet. Suddenly, she jumped off the loveseat and ran into the bedroom. I glared at Emmett, clenching my jaw. Everyone looked stunned for a moment and Jasper sent me a sad look that made me feel uneasy.
I ushered everyone out the door and thanked them before going in search of Bella.
The bathroom door was closed so I pushed it open slowly and saw her hunched over the toilet. She had gotten sick and that made my panic jump up a notch. I squatted behind her and touched her back. She flinched but I kept my hand on her, rubbing slow circles on her back. She seemed exhausted, so I pulled her back against me and flushed the toilet, trying to get the smell to dissipate faster. I leaned her back against the wall and sat beside her, not looking at her so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
"What happened, Bella?"
I chanced a glance at her and she closed her eyes. She closed herself off from me and sucked in a breath. She looked so upset and conflicted. I was beginning to feel that nasty churn in the pit of my stomach. Something was very wrong.
"Edward, I…I have to tell you something. It's…about my past, it's the reason why I'm in Chicago. I've wanted to tell you, for so long I've wanted to tell you. I don't know what will happen when I do tell you but please just let me get this out before you say anything, okay?"
I stalled. I nodded and before she could speak, I picked her up and carried her to the bed. I had no doubt what she had to tell me was going to be big and I would be upset. I could see by the sheer amount of fear on her face that what was about to happen was not going to be good. There was nothing she could say that would make me love her less, but there was plenty she could say that would hurt me.
I grabbed her the box of tissues from the nightstand and handed it to her. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose before bending her legs beneath her and blowing out a deep breath.
"I told you about how I came to Chicago because I left my mom and Phil when they were in Milwaukee…I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning though…
"So, when I was seven my parents got divorced and I went to live with Renee…my mother. Things were crazy when we left Forks, and I ended up skipping third and fourth grade and going straight into fifth. I felt really out of place there. Arizona was so different from Washington and then to top it off, I was in a class of kids two years older than me.
"I love my mother; she was always so much fun and she was kinda like a kid, we got along great. She was so cool about everything and she always understood, you know? Anyway, for years it was just us two and she would date occasionally but she never had anything meaningful happen with someone. One day she met Phil. I think I was around twelve or thirteen when she met him. I really liked Phil, he made my mom happy. He played baseball and seemed really stable, so I was okay with him. He was really young though. He was only twenty two and Renee had a good ten years on him.
"He never came around the house much at first but after a few months, he was always there. I mean, no kid wants to think about their parents' sex life, so I guess when I got up in the morning and Phil was there in his pajamas, I just put it out of my mind and ignored him.
"Anyway, after a year or so of them dating, Phil was almost a permanent fixture in our house, and looking back on it now I can see how early it started. He would randomly hug me or touch me, and at the time I thought I was just upset because he wasn't my dad. I kinda held onto that hope that Renee and Charlie would get back together.
"Phil…was very physical with me then and it made me feel awkward. I avoided my mother and him when I could and I began to resent their relationship. When I was fifteen, Renee was gone a lot because of her job and she would go out on weekends with her girlfriends. Phil would offer to stay in the house with me.
"The first time I realized that there wasn't something right with Phil was when I caught him watching me sleep. I woke up with this creepy feeling and he was there, beside my bed watching me. I tried to chalk it up to a nightmare but I know he was there. After that, he left me alone for a few weeks until one night…"
She took in a shuddering breath and clenched her eyes shut. I didn't like where this was going at all. Looking at her face, twisted in fear and the tears streaming down, was hard. I wanted to pull her into my lap and just comfort her but I knew she needed to get this out. And I had to be quiet because if I did speak, I had no guarantees of what would come out of my mouth. I wasn't angry yet, but I was terrified of what I was learning.
"One night I was getting a bath. I usually prefer showers but in the house my mom bought, my bathroom came with this huge cast iron tub and I loved it. Renee would buy me bubble bath and stuff and little sponges in the shape of ducks…she was crazy like that. Anyway, it was an strange, rainy day in Phoenix and I wanted to just relax, get a bath and read in my bed all day.
"Phil…I heard him come into my room and I called out that I was getting a bath but that I would be out in a minute. I didn't lock my bathroom door because I never needed to before…I mean, it was my bathroom.
"He…he came into the bathroom and I had just enough time to sit up and cover myself. He just stood there, watching me. And I was so embarrassed and angry that he would walk in like that. He just came over to the tub, bent down and asked if he could…wash me. I was terrified. I was so scared and embarrassed and I didn't know what to do, so I just told him no and that I wanted him to get out. And the fucked up thing is, he just smiled and stuck his hands in the water before getting up and leaving. I was fifteen. Who the fuck does that to a fifteen year old?"
Her chest shook with a silent sob and my hands were clenched so hard they were going numb. My face was a mask devoid of emotion; I had to maintain my control.
"A few months later…Phil proposed and they were married quickly. I mean, quickly. There wasn't really even a ceremony, they just went to the courthouse and got the certificate and did it. After about a year, Phil was still doing small things here and there, like touching me or rubbing against me when he would walk by. I was so jumpy in my own home. Renee and him, they fought a lot and I knew it was because of his job. He got signed and had to go to away games a lot and she wanted to go with him. Renee didn't have much confidence in herself and I think she was convinced he would cheat on her if she wasn't there. That's when I made the decision to go live with Charlie.
"Charlie was so happy that I moved in with him. He went out and bought all this new stuff for my room. I was happy there. Charlie was dating this woman named Sue. Sue's husband was a good friend of Charlie's and he died of a heart attack. He asked Charlie to look after Sue when he was in the hospital, and I know it wasn't what Charlie intended to happen but they fell in love, you know? I was happy for them and Sue is such a nice woman. Charlie and Sue got married right after I graduated high school. I felt horrible that they couldn't enjoy their new marriage with a seventeen year-old kid in the house, so I told Charlie that I had decided to go to college in Florida.
"Mom and Phil had moved there when Phil got traded to the Mariners. Charlie was upset but I knew he was happy to have the time with Sue."
She stopped and blew her nose. I watched with shallow breaths as she picked at the tissue and drew her knees to her chest. I was aching for her.
"The night that I came back, Phil was gone playing in an away game. He was supposed to be back the following week, and Renee and I actually had time to just be us again. For a whole week it was nice to just be with my mom and not have to worry about avoiding Phil or what he was going to do. I almost forgot he was coming back."
She chuckled darkly and ripped the tissue in half, twisting it in her hands and swallowing harshly. My fingers flexed against the comforter on the bed and I sucked in a deep breath with her.
"It was a Saturday night. Renee had gone out with her friends and I expected her to stay over at Ellen's house; she usually did when she got drunk. Renee wasn't a bad drunk, she just didn't want to be like that around me. She would get crazy and she rarely ever drank but on the weekends anyway.
"Phil was supposed to come back the next day. I wasn't expecting him so when I heard the front door shut, I thought Renee had come home after all and just ignored it and fell back asleep. I don't know how much longer it was but I woke up…to Phil touching my face. He was stroking my neck…and…he just left after that. I tried to tell myself I was dreaming again. That I was just upset that he was coming back the next day and it was my imagination running wild, but when I woke up he was there in the kitchen and asked me if I had slept well.
"Over the next few weeks I was busy with school. I went to a community college, so I stayed home with Renee. I couldn't afford the housing and I didn't think it was necessary anyway. Things got really weird after a while. I caught Phil in my room one afternoon touching my panties and digging through my drawers. He just smiled and left when I asked him what he was doing. It was that smile. It was so fucking creepy. I didn't know what to do. Renee loves him. I couldn't ruin that for her, you know? I didn't know what to do…"
Her eyes watered and tears spilled down over her red, flushed cheeks. Her shoulders shook and she hunched over hugging her legs tightly.
"He took it too far. He took it too far."
I couldn't help myself, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
"It wasn't your fault, Bella."
"No, it's…I'm not done…"
My eyes squeezed shut because, fuck, I knew it was going to get worse and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear how some sadistic freak had hurt her. I didn't want to know. But I had to know. I had to listen and I had to help her. We had to work through this.
"Tell me baby. It's okay, we'll figure this out just tell me what happened."
"I tried to avoid them both. I tried to stay away as much as possible. I didn't want to hurt Renee. She didn't deserve to be hurt again. He came into my room one night and he touched me. He touched my…he touched everywhere and I cried. I pushed him off but he wouldn't stop and he just kept fucking smiling.
"A few days after that, when Renee had left for work, I got up thinking the house was empty. I went into the kitchen to make something to eat quickly before I went to class and Phil cornered me. He pinned me up against the fridge and I could feel him…he was hard and he was pressing it into me and telling me that I asked for it. That I was always teasing him and that he knew about what I wanted and he was going to give it to me. I was so scared and I just kept thinking 'Oh God, Renee is going to find out and she is going hate me.' And he touched me and I got excited. I didn't want to but he was rubbing me and I got…I couldn't stop it. I hate myself so much for it. I didn't want him to touch me like that, I didn't want to respond to it but I did. God, I'm such a horrible person…"
It was physical pain going through me. My teeth were clenched so tight and my fists were balled up around her. I was fucking murderous.
Fucking keep it together. Be there for her. Listen, comfort, love.
"He wanted me to tie him up. He said he fantasized about me tying him to the bed and spanking him. He said he knew I would like it rough and he was going to…teach me…how to please him. After that day in the kitchen…whenever Renee wasn't around, he would find a way to corner me or grab me, and he would tell me about how he pictured me…doing things to him…touching him and…"
I rocked her and breathed deeply. No, this was not happening. No one could hurt her, she was too good, too clean to defile like this. No one would hurt her like this. The part that hurt the most was I could see the sweet naïve Bella in her teen years, so happy and laughing and just being a kid and I could imagine the light dying in her eyes. The terror on her face as someone stole it from her. There is a very special place in hell for Phil and I would make sure he made it to his reservation.
"Things got really bad when I turned nineteen though. My friend Mitch…he kinda knew what was going on, although I never said anything about it. I would stay over at his house a lot and he was a good friend. This is going to sound kind of stupid. Mitch, he wasn't really the most popular guy in the world and he was a few years older than me, he was like…twenty-two when I was nineteen, and anyway we were both virgins and we decided to just get it out of the way. I was teased a lot for being so young and in college and I was almost done with school and I wanted to just live, you know? So, we decided as friends that we would sleep together. It was awful."
She laughed a little. It was strained and raspy but it alleviated the stress I was feeling a bit. I was jealous of her first experience but I couldn't afford to be, it wasn't like my first time was with her nor was it special by any means.
"I just wanted to feel normal. Mitch and I would drink together at his house and get slap drunk and just laugh our asses off at stupid shit. Watch movies and…he was my best friend. We were so awkward and we bumped heads and it was more mechanical than anything. It hurt but not as badly as I thought it would, and I don't know. The mistake I made I guess was that instead of doing it at his place, we did it at mine. Renee was out with her friends for a week long trip to Los Angeles. Phil was supposed to be at an away game. The house was supposed to be empty all weekend. Mitch's roommates were kinda assholes, so we didn't want them walking in on us and…it was a mistake to do it in my room. Mitch and I…we did it and we laughed afterwards and he left. Nothing really changed with us and we were still cool. I just…got a shower and went back to bed. I didn't think to throw away the condom or anything.
"Phil came home that night and came into my room and he was angry. He woke me up and held me down…
"He started calling me a whore, saying that I ruined all this plans and that if I had just waited for him he would have made it worth it. He was so angry and his face was so ugly and red, and he was so heavy and he just pushed me down. His hands were grabbing my chest and my…my nipples got hard…I couldn't fucking help it. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to. I didn't like it. He…kept telling me I was such a slut for teasing him and then giving away what was his. He said that I deserved everything I got. I asked for it and I should be punished for it. I cried so hard that I couldn't even fight. He was making these noises and grunting and touching me,rubbing himself against me. He…he put his…he stuck his fingers inside me. It hurt so bad….he was so rough and I was…dry, so… I don't know, it hurt and…I didn't want to, I couldn't stop it, the more he touched me, the more he rubbed, I started to react I mean, my body, I got…and he tried to make me touch him. I…I was so scared. It was wrong. It was wrong. It felt so wrong. I felt so wrong and so dirty."
Stillness. Ringing in my ears and stillness. My head was throbbing with the pressure of my anger. My face felt hot and my throat was clenched so tight. I felt like exploding to relieve myself of the tension. I wanted to hit something, anything. When she continued her voice was clinical and detached. It scared me more than her crying.
"I didn't sleep anymore. I barely ate anything because I was always afraid he was going to do something. I was so scared all the time. Last year, for my birthday, he waited until Renee went to sleep. He woke me up and gave me a box. It had a pair of…God. It had a pair of leather panties in it, handcuffs and a whip. Like a fucking leather riding crop whip. He looked fucking maniacal. He just laughed and said he knew I would like it. He said he couldn't wait till I tied him up. Fuck. I just…
"I hid the box. I tried to throw it away but I was too scared Renee might see it in the trash. I just hid it in my closet and tried to forget it existed. The whole situation…the whole thing just got worse. Renee wanted me to come on the road with her. I had a week left of classes. I was stressed about finals and she said that since I had one more semester before graduation, I should see the world some before I have to get a job and officially become an adult. I couldn't do anything. She wanted to spend time with me and Phil. She was so fucking excited about it. But I thought about it and reasoned that if Renee was there, there was no way Phil could do anything. I mean, his teammates would be there…
"One of Phil's teammates…his name was Ryan. He was a few years older than me and he was a good guy. I wasn't really too interested in him but he was the closest person to my age there. Phil didn't like him for a lot of reasons. I think he was jealous that Ryan was so young and made it as far as he did. Ryan always went out of his way to make me feel welcome and comfortable. I mean, it's not easy being the only young person around a bunch of guys in their late twenties or early thirties. The night that I left, the night that I just…couldn't stay anymore…
"It was really late…or early, I guess. He started banging on my door, shouting and screaming for me to open up. My mom's room was only a few doors down, so I opened up because I didn't want her to know. He came in and pushed me down onto the couch by the window and started to grab me everywhere. He was gripping me so hard…my chest, my legs…so hard I knew there would be marks. He got angry and kept saying things about how I was such a tease and he was going to tell Renee how I had tried to seduce him and he said that I knew what I was doing. I was a dirty girl and I needed to be punished. Then he started to laugh and went on about how…how I made his body react…how he touched himself and he wanted me to know he was devoted to me. He tried to get his hands into my shorts and I bit him. I didn't mean to it just, I panicked and bit his arm. He was screaming and yelling that I asked for it, that my body wanted it. He was about to hit me and Ryan yanked him off me. The door was still wide open from when Phil came in and I freaked out thinking Renee might have seen it happen.
"Ryan threw Phil out of the room and made sure I was okay. I begged him not to tell anyone. He wanted to report Phil to the team managers and he wanted me to tell Renee what happened. He asked me how long it had been going on. I just cried and begged him not to tell anyone. Eventually, he left and I think he was angry that I wouldn't say anything.
"The final straw though, was Renee. She walked into my room that morning and she was crying and upset and I was just, frozen. I thought for sure she knew and she was going to tell me she knew. She had something in her hand and she sat down on the bed and looked at me with her makeup all over her face and she said 'He's cheating on me'. They were my panties, Edward. She had my panties in her hand. She didn't even know they were mine but I was sick to my stomach. I didn't even remember them. They were just little green panties but they weren't hers. They were mine. So I hugged her and I cried with her, and I think she didn't understand why I was so upset and I just had to go. I knew it right then. I packed up my stuff and when I was heading out, Ryan stopped me. He asked me what I was doing and I just told him. I told him everything, kinda, I mean I was so upset I don't think he understood much but…he gave me all the money he had in his wallet and he wrote me a check for six hundred dollars, which I never cashed. He gave me his cell number and said if I ever needed help, he would be there.
"I…I'm sorry I didn't tell you before and I understand if you…the thing is, when I met you, I really liked you right from the start and I felt like, I could just forget about it. I wanted to just forget and live like that shit never happened. I wanted to be normal…be in a normal relationship…as normal as this is. You made me feel like I didn't need to be ashamed of myself, and I didn't feel disgusted or awkward when you touched me, I felt…different. I felt like you wanted me. I didn't want to fuck that up by telling you all of this. Please, please don't be angry with me. I swear to God, I didn't want any of that, I never wanted him… and I never wanted to hurt Renee or you…"
**
Her eyes had pleaded with me to understand and I did. I understood that, that sick fuck had made her believe she was wrong. He made her feel like she brought the whole thing onto herself. I felt sick. I was so angry I was sick from it. I was frozen, like a stone, watching her tears brim and her lip quiver. Now, I understand that I should have comforted her straight away. I should have told her it wasn't her fault. I should have…
I should have.
But I didn't.
**
I watched her rocking herself on the bed and I had to get away from her. I had to clear my head for a few precious moments before I hurt her on accident. I wanted to find Phil and break his neck. I wanted to go back in time and take her away from those people. I wanted to do so many things that at this point I couldn't do. I sucked in a deep breath and stood from the bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bella watching me. Her eyes sparkled in the lamp light.
The only thing I was good at, the only thing I knew how to do.
Violence, anger, hatred, pain.
I walked out of the bedroom and down the hall. The emotions inside me were so much, too much. They were suffocating me. My right knee faltered and I sagged against the hallway wall. My fist struck out first and went through the sheetrock. I kicked against the wall and pushed myself away, bumping into a table that was housing a lamp. I picked it up and threw it, the cord snapping away from the wall and the heavy porcelain shattering. The dining room table still had plates on it…I upended it and heard with satisfaction the crash of glass and the table cracking as it hit the floor.
My breathing was labored and my muscles were tensed, ready for confrontation. The red haze and the pressing rage was still too high. I threw the bar stools and kicked at chairs.
I couldn't ever take away those memories. I couldn't ever make it right. She didn't deserve that, she was good. She is good. She is the only good. She is my good and she had been hurt. No, she had been terrorized and mind-fucked. He had touched her, he had taken away her happiness and replaced it with fear. He had broken her and taken away the security…turned her on herself, made her feel shame.
But fuck had she not had a reason to run, would she be here with me? Would I go back in time and erase those actions if it meant never meeting her? I benefitted from her pain.
And that sadistic pedophile was still out there. That crazy fucking bastard who had hurt her and scared her and touched her. He had touched her when she was just a child. He had tried to take something that wasn't his. He had taken her trust and her innocence. But the thing that angered me the most was I had no control. I had no control over what happened. I had no control over Phil and I had no way of finding that cocksucker. But I will. I will find him. If it's the last thing I ever do. If it takes me ten years, I will find him.
Phil…I will kill him. I will fucking kill him.
**
From that moment on, I couldn't quite tell you what I broke or in what order. I couldn't tell you how I broke it. I couldn't tell you when I destroyed the Christmas tree or when I ripped the garlands off the wall or how all the holes in the walls came to be. I have no clue how long I went at destroying my own apartment. The apartment I was living in when she was living in fear. The place I came home to and took for granted.
I only remember hearing the slam of the bathroom door and like a hypnotist's chime, I snapped out of it and realized my mistake. My anger had blinded me to what I needed to do. It had blinded me from what was important.
My head rolled back and forth against the bathroom door.
"Please Bella, please let me in. I was angry. Fuck, I love you. I just, I can't hear about you…I can't hear that and not be angry and I needed to let it out. I'm not angry with you. Please, let me make this right."
Silence was on the other end and I felt my emotions bubbling up to the top. My eyes prickled with wetness and my lungs clenched on a sob. I hated crying. Right now, all I wanted to do was hold her. I needed to hold her. I needed to have that affirmation that she was safe now.
But she's not, is she? She's with you, and you just proved how safe she really is.
"You're disgusted with me."
The quiet reply made me jump. She was right on the other side. I sat up straight and pressed harder against the door, my mouth right next to the seal.
"No, never. What he did…what happened to you. That was not your fault. I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that. Sick fucking bastards like that…they only say shit like that because they need the excuse. He knew he was doing something wrong and fucking disgusting and he put that on you. You were just a kid Bella, but you're older now. If you saw him doing it to another little girl…would you blame her?"
I heard her crying again, and I wished like hell I could get into this fucking bathroom.
"It…was…my f-fault. I s-should have s-said s-something. And I g-got…I…he th-thought I l-liked it."
"He wanted you to think you liked it. He wanted to think he wasn't doing something wrong. Baby, you gotta open this door. I need to see you. Please, let me make this right."
Silence.
I couldn't even hear her crying anymore. I was reaching the end of my rope, again. I didn't know what was going to kill me first, the anger I felt at that fucker for what he did or the shame at myself for how I handled this whole situation. My hand came up to press against the white washed wood and I leaned against my arm.
"Just...Bella, I need you right now. Please, come out here. Please, we don't even have to talk about anymore right now. Just come out here. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much and I'm hurting right now because you hurt, and I want to make it right for the both of us."
I heard her shifting and a light thud before the door cracked open. I scrambled up and waited for her to clear the door before I yanked her into my arms and crushed her to my body. My arm went around her waist and my hand buried itself into her hair, anchoring her head to my chest. I pressed kisses to her temple and on the crown of her head.
"I love you. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Bella, I love you and you are not a bad person. You did not deserve that."
She shook and cried, and I held her close, letting her get it all out. I carried her to the bed and held onto her tightly, irrational fear that she would run again.
"Don't run away. Don't leave. I'm here. I want you here…I'll fix this…we'll fix this. I'll make right, I swear…"
My voice died out and I swallowed thickly against my own tears. She couldn't leave me. I would go after her, I would beg her but she couldn't leave.
"Please, say you'll stay here. Say you'll let me help you?"
"Yeah, I'll stay. I mean, if you still want me here, shit I'll stay here."
I chuckled at her response and hugged her to me. She was tired and I cradled her until she fell asleep. For the first time in months, she slept peacefully. After a few hours of listening to her breath and thinking of ways to rectify this situation, I slipped out of the bed and shut the bedroom door. Thankfully it was the one part of the house that survived my tantrum.
I straightened up the living room, deciding the tree was not salvageable and neither was the dining room table. Which was a shame 'cause Bella and I had christened some damn good times on it. I would need to get another one soon. I felt shitty sweeping up all those ornaments. I would have liked to keep them. One caught my attention. It was still intact with a hairline crack at the top. It had 'Christmas '09' written on it in silver glitter. I set it up on the bookshelf softly, with the utmost reverence.
After I did as much cleaning and straightening as I could, I went into my office and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed the number with determination.
"Yeah?"
"I need your help. Meet me at Galway's in thirty minutes."
I hung up, grabbed my keys and scrawled a note to Bella in case she woke up early. I shrugged on my leather jacket and headed out the door.
I would take care of Phil if it was the last thing I did.
AN:
At the end of the day, Fightward is still Fightward.
So, who'd he call?
That was by far the hardest chapter to write. ever. EVER.
So, since I'm all angsted out and upset over here...you should...you know...
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